Tortured Soul

Sixteen Hours since the Last Death (Four Deaths)

Darkness, everything that stretched before his gaze was covered by darkness. There, in the middle of that shadow world, the only thing that accompanied him were his own thoughts. He didn't understand why he was there, or how he got there. Nor did he understand what had happened to his physical body. At that moment, in that place, his being was only shaped by his thoughts, from there, nothing else existed.

Or that would've been the case, if it hadn't been for a particular shadow blending in with the rest of the shadows. A shadow that, unlike the rest of that world, seemed to possess presence and... consciousness. Radiating from that shadow, alienated feelings reached Subaru. At first it was difficult to understand it, but with the passage of time he managed to grasp what they were about; it was love. But not a pure and innocent love. No, it was a sticky, obsessive, unpleasant, vomiting love. And he didn't want to receive that kind of love.

A part of himself felt that he had already been there, in that place, in that world of shadows, next to that vile shadow. A part of himself told him that he must feel the same as the shadow. A part of himself, rooted in the core of his being, deep in his bodyless existence, forced him to reciprocate the disgusting feelings of the shadow. As if loving the shadow was etched in his DNA. But, for some unknown reason to him, that part had weakened.

Was it because he went several months without dying? And therefore he hadn't rejoined the shadow in its shadow world. Or was it due to his previous death? In which he was brutalized to his breaking point, physically, emotionally, and psychologically. Subaru, in his current state, couldn't care less about the reason... Now that he had apparently returned to that shadowy world, he wanted to make it clear that he wouldn't be reciprocal with the shadow, that he never would.

Furthermore, now what existed within himself, replacing that fragment that compelled him to reciprocate the feelings of the vile shadow, was pure and condensed hatred, undiluted wrath. Subaru wanted to make it clear that those were his feelings now. Now that Subaru wasn't just him, now that his thoughts weren't his alone; now that his tortured soul had been fragmented, without him perceiving it, Subaru had been released.

And he would exercise that newly acquired freedom to convey all the hatred and wrath that were building up inside his fragmented being. Subaru wasn't fully aware of why he felt those negative feelings, what he was entirely aware of was that he needed to make it clear to the shadow that this was what he was feeling now; as many times as necessary.

The shadow seemed to realize what Subaru really felt, as it began to radiate "love" more strongly than before. Subaru, annoyed, tried to reject the feelings of the shadow. However, he had no eyes with which to convey contempt, a heart with which to feel hatred, ears which to cover to stop listening to the shadow, a tongue with which to transmit his wrath directed towards the shadow, a nose with which to smell the disgusting miasma of the shadow and thus be able to express his revulsion, or a body with which to avert the shadow. Still, Subaru wanted to make clear his contempt for the shadow, so he focused on expressing it in the only way he could.

"I loathe your feelings, I disgust your presence, I hate everything about it, your existence causes burning anger to fluctuate in my being... I despise you... I completely despise you. I fucking despise you! Leave me alone! I spurn you! I hate you! Get away from me!" However, no matter how hard Subaru tried to convey his thoughts, it was apparently useless. Or that's what he initially thought...

The shadow finally stopped struggling to convey its "love" feelings. Now it was aware that that wouldn't work with him. However, it simply wouldn't just accept it. Subaru quivered, if that was possible without a body, limbs, or muscles. The shadows trembled, the entire shadow world began to shake, and then Subaru saw it. The shadow that, like water in a river, started uttering the phrase "I love you", incessantly.

"I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you..." Her cloying voice began to distort as she approached him, followed by a swarming mass of darkness. Two violet gemstones appeared where its eyes must have been, conveying, for the first time, another feeling aside from the unpleasant "love"; it was hate. No, it was envy... Jealousy. "I love you, I love you, I... love you, I lo-ve y-you, I... lo-ve you, I… love… you..." Its voice, distorted, gradually stopped conveying love, and then started begging for love. "Love me, I love you, love me… I love you, love me… I love you… Love me, love me, love me... Love me! Love me! Love me! Love me! Love me!"

The shadows, like waves in a stormy sea, began to crash against each other, charged with anger, hatred, envy, jealousy...Toxic jealousy, obsessive jealousy, murderous jealousy... Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy, everything that was in that world was jealousy. Subaru, frightened, stopped thinking exclusively about how much he despised the shadow. Now he could only think of running away from that shadowy world never to return.

"Let me go, let me go, let me go... Let me go! Set me free! I hate you! I hate you! So set me free! Set me free!" Subaru screamed, feeling an incredible load of emotions that made him feel a strong sense of déjà vu. As with Elsa, his thoughts desperately began to collapse in a heap.

"Love me! Love me! Love me! Love me! Love me! Love me! Love me! Love me!" The shadows tsunami finally merged with the sentient shadow that insistently begged for his love. Thus transforming into a being taken from Subaru's nightmares. He, with his torrent of thoughts completely collapsed, watched as the tsunami of shadows engulfed him in one gulp, plunging him into a sea of jealousy. Little by little, his consciousness faded, until the last thing he heard was: "Subaru, love me..."

Hyperventilating, Subaru woke up from a nightmare for the fifth time in a row that night. Cold sweat ran over much of his body, especially his back. His eyes were watery and his limbs kept trembling violently. However, to his delight, that occasion wasn't drenched in his crotch.

Sighing, Subaru wiped the sweat from his forehead and rubbed his eyes, then immediately sat down on the futon. In his mind, he insistently tried to remember the dream that had just awakened him, but it was as if it had completely vanished. Until now, all his dreams had been nightmares involving Elsa, but this one had been different; it felt different. It felt more like he had been… remembering.

"S-Subaru, love me...?" Without fully comprehending it, Subaru whispered those words. They had been on the tip of his tongue and he had said them out of inertia, however, he didn't remember where he had heard them… Because, yes, he felt as if he had heard them somewhere, even though he didn't know anyone capable of saying those words to him.

Does it have something to do with what I just dreamed of? I woke up quite agitated, but I don't think it was that kind of dream. With that in mind, Subaru sighed wearily.

Discarding the possibility of an erotic dream, Subaru decided that it was not worth thinking too much about the matter and decided to continue sleeping. But before he leaned back, he scanned the state of the inn room he was in. That room, while very similar to his, was definitely not. The four additional people who were there, were proof of this.

Subaru was in Anastasia Hoshin's room. If someone had told him about that was going to happen a few days ago, Subaru would have certainly laughed at it; but that was definitely not the case now. After pathetically pleading with Anastasia to stay with him, she, sighing, accepted. At the time, Subaru's surprise had been paramount, as he was prepared for his plea to be rejected and even insulted.

Anastasia stayed with him until Mimi returned, and it was then, when she was about to leave once and for all, that Subaru tried his luck again. Shamelessly, Subaru begged her not to leave. Anastasia, finally grasping that Subaru not only didn't want to be left alone, but also didn't specifically want her to leave, showed a bit of disgust for the first time that day.

However, before he apologized and Mimi rebuked him for saying such a thing, Anastasia agreed to return after taking care of a few things. After that, Anastasia asked Mimi to keep Subaru company until she returned, and left the room. The employee who had arrived with the girl exchanged the futons and left the room, leaving him alone with the demi-human child.

Mimi, though she continued with her lively attitude, didn't address Subaru at any time, as if fearing that with it she would break him, like he was a porcelain ornament. So they were both silent, one lying down and the other fiddling with one of the artifacts he and Leith created.

After almost an hour, Anastasia returned with the news that he would sleep in her room with her and the triplets. That the triplets' presence was insurance against Subaru, or that they already shared a room with her as something normal, Subaru didn't bother to ask. Luckily for him, Anastasia had already finished the unfinished business, so she could finally stay with him.

After dining in Anastasia's room accompanied by her, the triplets and Julius, Subaru returned to his futon, placed in one of the corners of the room, and lay down on it, completely covering himself with a sheet. In all that time, he hadn't exchanged words with anyone other than Anastasia, and he never spoke to her more than necessary.

Subaru, despite having his consciousness relatively clear, was too emotionally damaged to attempt to interact normally with his surroundings. With the gazes of Anastasia and her guards on his back, Subaru closed his eyes. So, even in that state, with his mind clouded by trauma and his heart squeezed with fear, Subaru was finally able to fall asleep.

He knew it. That no one agreed with him spending the night in Anastasia's room. Julius had argued, the triplets had complained, and Ricardo had screamed. All those who watched over the safety of the businesswoman and candidate for the throne, were against her giving in to Subaru's pathetic pleas.

Perhaps, if they hadn't met him months ago, he hadn't become an ally and hadn't interacted with them daily for almost a month, none of them would have ended up yielding to Anastasia's firmness. She had realized that Subaru was hanging by a thread, and that a single push would be enough to make his mind break to the point of no return.

Anastasia was also aware that, for some reason unknown to her, Subaru was holding onto her as a pillar of emotional stability. So not leaving him alone and allowing him to spend the night in her room, was her way of helping him. If that's what he needed at the moment so as not to fall apart, then she'd have no problem granting it to him.

After all, despite behaving childish from time to time, she liked Subaru. Especially when she heard him talk about his ideas and where they came from; even if she didn't fully believe him about his life in a place beyond the Great Cascade. Also, it never hurts to make someone as valuable as Subaru become an employee completely loyal to her and her company; and she was sure that, in that way, she would definitely make it.

Unaware of the reasons that had led Anastasia to condone his pathetic plea, Subaru watched her sleep. The girl was sharing a futon with Mimi, which made them an especially cute couple at bedtime. Not far from them, the two brothers were sharing another futon.

Just seeing them sleep so quietly, even if it was a little, relaxed him. It convinced him, if only for a moment, that there was no danger in the world and no one would threaten to harm them. But Subaru was aware of the truth, so that momentary peace they transmitted to him was nothing more than an illusion, one that could disappear from the face of that world at any moment.

Knowing it and doing nothing made him feel guilty. How it made him feel guilty to be using Anastasia. His broken heart, desperate to feel safe, clung to the most protected person in all of Priestella. So he needed to keep Anastasia close to him, because with her would be Julius and the mercenaries of Fang of Iron. Thanks to this, Subaru was now sleeping in a room located in the middle of Julius and Ricardo's. He was using Anastasia. He knew it, and so he felt guilty.

Use her that way, and still not warn her of the danger lurking in the city. How ungrateful could he be? Of course, it wasn't that he actively and of his own accord concealed what was about to happen, he was simply unable to speak about it without suffering a panic attack. Just thinking about Elsa, Meili and the monster was enough to make his stomach turn and feel the need to vomit, enough to loosen his bladder and make his head felt like it was about to explode.

Still… would they be able to trust me without giving them proof of my words? With this in mind, Subaru ruled out, to his self-satisfaction, that speaking was going to give any results. Striving until losing control of his body, for something that wouldn't change a thing. Subaru really wasn't willing to go through something like that.

Leaving aside the futility of him talking about the attack of the two cruel females that was going to take place at any moment, Subaru thought again about Anastasia and how he was clinging to her. It was clear that, first of all, he was doing so since, with her close, he would have a better chance of avoiding another tortuous and prolonged death at the hands of Elsa and the girl's monster. Although something inside him indicated that this was not all there was to it...

The way he was clung to her, and the way he had accepted her conditions without thinking during their first meeting, were making him feel confused. All of this made him wonder what he really thought about Anastasia Hoshin and her determination to obtain everything that had been denied her since birth.

Perhaps, having her close would help him get the answers he was looking for in his own life. Maybe that was the other reason he was holding on to her. Maybe… he saw her as a symbol of hope. Someone he needed to follow in order to find a way to overcome his weaknesses and exploit that he can really excel at.

"Th-this isn't the time to be thin-thinking about it..." Whispering as he stuttered, Subaru lay back down. In that moment, Subaru could only be sure that he would be eternally grateful for everything Anastasia had done for him, no matter what her intentions might be. Above all, he owed her his gratitude for extending her hand to him, despite the pathetic state he was in after his fourth death.

Glancing once more towards his surroundings, Subaru rested his gaze one last time on Anastasia's face, which was barely illuminated by the moonlight that filtered through the tatami wall. Recording the image of her, hugging Mimi while she slept peacefully, in his retinas, Subaru finally allowed himself to return to the dangerous world of his dreams.

One Day and Seven Hours since the Last Death (Four Deaths)

"Subaru, Anastasia-sama has to meet with several Hoshin Company commercial allies. And I know you understand that you cannot accompany her during the meeting. So Anastasia-sama ordered me to stay with you for the duration of the meeting. I'm aware that it isn't what you want to hear, but I hope that my company calms, even partially, your soul."

Subaru, who was sitting on his futon, still located in Anastasia's room, looked up without moving his head. His body was wrapped in a sheet, revealing only a completely gaunt face. His eyes were red and had huge eye-bags. His face was pale, his nose was bright red, and his hair was completely messy.

Julius, standing next to him, slightly twisted his face, in disgust. Such a pathetic image could move the heart of even the man nicknamed the Valuable Knight. Realizing his mistake immediately, Julius corrected his gesture to show his unflappable countenance of tranquility again. Not receiving any response from Subaru, he simply went to one of the tatami chairs in the room and sat there.

"It's still hard for me to accept that you changed so abruptly." Julius combed his bangs, while talking to no one in particular; He knew Subaru wouldn't answer him, so talking to him would be the same as talking to himself. "At first I thought you were up to something, that it was all an act... Ricardo thought the same." Then his gaze rested on Subaru. "But it's already clear to me that that's not the case..."

His intense yellow gaze wandered around the perimeter of the room again. The table, the chairs, the carpet, the two futons, everything was tidy and conveyed an incredible aura of clarity. But that boy lying in one of its corners, was completely out of keeping with that image. Julius couldn't help but think of his journey with his mistress, his companions and Subaru.

"It's strange, despite having interacted with you throughout the whole trip to here, I still feel like I don't understand you at all." Julius had the opportunity to exchange words with Subaru at various times throughout the trip, to the point where the latter asked him to speak more casually to him. Still, for Julius, Subaru remained a mystery.

"What do you want? What're you looking for? What's your goal? In your gaze I identify determination, determination like I have never seen in anyone. But at the same time, I feel that it's so loaded with regret and confusion... So, who're you Subaru Natsuki? What're you thinking right now? What made you end up in your current condition?"

Of course, Subaru didn't answer him, he didn't even react in any way to his questions. His body, covered by the sheet, remained unchanged. Seeing his chest rise and fall at short intervals was the only proof that the dark-haired guy was still alive. Since his eyes were open, it was hard to tell that he was asleep. Although it could be a case of dreaming with open eyelids, Julius didn't think that was the case.

"Are you looking at the door? Are you waiting for Anastasia-sama's return?" Again, Julius's questions faded into thin air without being answered. Sighing, Julius combed his bangs again. "Relying so heavily on a woman completely lacking in physical strength. Did you utterly lose the pride of a knight? Of a man?"

Julius, bewildered, stood up and approached Subaru. Taking firm steps, loaded with dignity, he placed himself in front of Subaru, who completely ignored him. His doubts that Subaru was acting had already vanished, that was true; throughout the night, he and Ricardo were in charge of keeping a watchful eye on his mistress's room, but nothing unusual happened.

That alone wouldn't be enough to dispel his doubts, but given Subaru's traumatic symptoms, difficult to act on, such as vomiting, fluid incontinence, crying, and incessant trembling, it was unlikely that he was playing any acting role. That, or Subaru was simply very good at it; but his intuition indicated him that this wasn't the case.

Still, on the other hand, his doubts about Subaru's intentions towards his mistress only increased. His brazen insistence on being unpleasantly attached to her caused him enormous discomfort. And not only for being Anastasia's best knight, but also for being a man. Maybe it was the wrong way of looking at it, maybe his focus was wrong. Still, the way Subaru showed weakness made him feel completely uncomfortable.

"Are you in love with Anastasia-sama? I couldn't blame you if that were the case, for she is an exceptional woman, but your treatment of her is nothing more than a pathetic display of dependency that is, bluntly, painful to watch."

Julius personally felt nothing for Anastasia other than loyalty, yet as a man he was, watching Subaru behave the way he did, was too embarrassing and unpleasant to testify. Although Julius personally didn't have much of a romantic experience, he knew enough to frown on Subaru's behavior.

"And if you're not in love or even attracted to her, then why're you so attached to her and nobody else?" His voice rose, as if hoping it would be enough to make Subaru react, but Subaru didn't even blink.

Love? Dependence? Greediness? Julius was convinced that Subaru wasn't acting, but even in his condition, he could be being moved by a feeling like that. Perhaps his attachment to Anastasia could be related to greediness. Whether he wanted money or political power; being close to Anastasia, he could get whatever he was looking for. There was a problem with that theory, though. That was definitely the worst way to win favor with someone like his mistress. On the contrary, Subaru would be the one to end up in debt; that's where that approach faltered.

Surely that wasn't the right approach, maybe Subaru was just holding on to the person with whom he had the most emotional connection in the entire group. Without a doubt, Anastasia was the person Subaru interacted with the most during the trip. Although, rarely did their topics of conversation vary from topics related to the ideas of the man who claims to come from beyond the Great Cascade.

"Even if that were the case, the way you have clung to Anastasia-sama, like that of an infant with his mother, is definitely pathetic. Perhaps, if we knew what had you in that condition, we could better understand your attitude... Subaru, we really need you to come back to your senses. We're willing to help you, Anastasia-sama's stance is clear proof of this, but you must also do your part." Tired of receiving no response from Subaru, Julius returned to the chair in which he had been sitting.

"Anastasia-sama's a busy woman; a top businesswoman and merchant, as well as a candidate for the throne. If you don't come back to your senses soon, I don't promise that she can carry you around for long. Now, you're valuable to her, but if you stop being so, she may find herself needing to cancel the entire Renovation Project and return you to your colleagues in the capital. That would leave her with losses, no doubt about it, but maintaining the project without the brain behind it isn't feasible. I don't know much about commerce and business, and still I'm still aware of it. So I really hope you can recover before everything you worked for slips through your fingers."

Combing his bangs one last time, Julius finally fell silent. Talking a lot was never part of his personality, but seeing Subaru's state, remaining silent had simply been impossible for him. Now that he had said everything he thought, he set about spending the rest of the time prepared to act if necessary. He had not finished sitting down, however, when a loud rumble forced him back to his feet.

"What was that?!" With doubt and alarm clouding his gaze, Julius leaned out of the room to contemplate the panorama. The Zen garden had been demolished, as if something very heavy had fallen on it, and several bodies could be seen scattered on the ground. They were the bodies of people, people he had seen through his stay in that inn. "What's going on?!"

But before he could process what was happening, Julius managed to see a pack of beings shaped like dogs running towards the inn dining room; they were mabeasts. Specifically, Wolgarms, dog-shaped mabeasts, known for their ferocity and pack attacks. "Anastasia-sama!" Thinking of his mistress, Julius was about to go to where she was. But then he remembered why he was in that room and not next to her, as he should have been.

"Damn it!" Frowning, Julius cursed for the first time in a long time. His gaze wandered from Subaru, to where his mistress was supposed to be, and back. After a moment of considering it, Julius focused on Subaru again. "Subaru, I'm sorry, but Anastasia-sama must always be my priority, no matter what. Still, I'll make sure to send someone here to rescue you. I will pray for your well-being."

Julius then left the room and was about to close its door in order to increase the black-haired man's chances of survival. But before doing so, he heard him speak for the first time since he had his first panic attack shortly before entering Priestella. His voice sounded broken and fraught with terror, and though it was barely a whisper, Julius was able to hear it.

"T-they d-did it… They already started their attack... They'll come for me-me... They'll come for me!" With his voice laden with fear, he began to tug on his hair forcefully, in what seemed like another panic attack.

Julius wasn't sure if his reaction was due to his condition or if his crazed words carried some truth. He wished he could ask Subaru directly, but he no longer had time to waste. Finally closing the door to Anastasia's room, Julius ran in the direction of where she was. Subaru, for his part, didn't even notice that he had been left alone. His mind was only capable of processing the terror he felt knowing that he was close to suffering again at the hands of Elsa.

"Anastasia's n-not here, Anastasia's not h-here, Anastasia's n-not h-here, Anastasia i-is n-not here, Anastasia's n-not he-re..." Repeating that phrase obsessively, Subaru started to surrender to the idea of his fifth death. Now that he had failed to stand by his only hope of salvation, all was truly lost. "Anastasia, w-where d-did you go? Anastasia, where a-are y-you? Anastasia, w-where're you? I don't w-wanna d-die, I-I don't wanna t-to die... I don't want to die. Damn, I don't want to die!"

Abruptly coming to his senses due to fear and adrenaline, Subaru hugged his trembling body, while covering his head with the sheet; with that, he now was completely covered by the white piece of cloth. At that moment, Subaru cursed to remain aware of his surroundings and wished to lock himself in his mind. At the same time, he cursed his weakness and inability to do anything. Many lives were about to be lost, and he could only think of himself… Cursing everything, Subaru closed himself to the world around him.