Eternal Weakness

Zero Days since the Last Death (Five Deaths)

"Hnk! Hnk!" Choking, Subaru gulped air desperately, causing him to start coughing violently.

His consciousness, which came and went in intervals, was completely clouded, as if he had come out of the water after having been on the verge of drowning. His head ached, his stomach was upset, and his body wouldn't stop shuddering viciously. He was completely out of balance, as if he were floating in nothingness, due to the fact that his mind was unable to process the stimuli his body received.

"...-kun?!" Therefore, his ears were capable of picking up sounds from what was happening around him, but his brain could not yet to process them. He felt as if he had been swallowed up by an ocean of darkness, only to then be spat out into reality. He wasn't sure if that was related to him having been the cause of his own death, but he was sure that this was one of the worst comebacks he had ever had; only behind the previous one, in which he returned after being completely brutalized.

"-Baru?" Breathing, coughing, shaking. Subaru was fighting the feeling of daze, slowly escaping the darkness that refused to release him completely. His larynx was barely accepting the intake of air, probably because his mind had not yet realized that there was no longer a piece of iron piercing his neck. And that made it more difficult for him to regain consciousness.

"… atsuki-kun?" Subaru finally began to process the stimuli around him, thus managing to better understand his surroundings. His mind was finally gaining clarity. Now he was able to feel the beating of his heart, the blood flowing through his veins, the air struggling into his throat and lungs, the saliva splashing into his mouth, and his throat expelling the air in the form of a cough.

His body was recovering its life, his environment was gaining the color that had been stolen from it, his understanding of what surrounded him was slowly returning. Blinking, Subaru realized that he was out in the open; contrary to what he expected. In front of his eyes, everything that was spread out was blue, with certain patches of white. Not seeing the inside of the carriage, which was supposed to be the new "save point", Subaru once again lost understanding of the environment around him.

His mind, numb, simply was not able to process the data he was finally picking up, at the speed necessary to rebuild the world around him. Why am I here? Did the "save point" change? Where are everybody? His brain wasn't even capable of formulate those kinds of questions.

Completely stunned and confused, Subaru tried to lift his head to get a better perspective of his surroundings, but his neck simply refused to respond. Apparently, his body and mind were not yet in tune. But that was not all, the failed attempt to move his head cost him to feel horrendous nausea that, added to those he already felt, forced him to expel all the contents of his stomach.

Vomiting, but unable to move his head, Subaru felt his throat fill with a thick, acidic liquid. Then it was his mouth, which made him feel the unpleasant taste of half-processed food combined with the enzymes in his stomach. Unable to contain the vomit, his mouth fell open, expelling the liquid upward; which ended up bathing his face.

Convulsing, his brain began to fire thousands of alarms at his body. The vomit was now obstructing his oral tract, preventing him from accessing vital oxygen to live. Suffocating and unable to do anything to save himself, Subaru's vision began to darken once more.

Crying desperately, Subaru began to die again, incapable to understand why all this was happening. Unable to receive oxygen, his brain began to release all kinds of chemicals, which led to a near death experience. Thus, hallucinations from his previous deaths began to unfold in his mind.

The pain, the pain, the pain. His abdomen was open, Satella was about to die, he had not been able to warn her, it was all his fault... I will save you... Slowly, slowly... Elsa, satisfied, was delighted with the color of his intestines, while he bled out. Cold, very cold... His mind was shutting down... Pain, a lot of pain... A dagger was stuck in his back, he was going to die without even understanding why Satella had gotten mad when hearing her name, he was going to die pathetically in the middle of an alley, having achieved nothing ...

Pain! So much pain! Death is a delight, death is a prize, death is the end of everything, death is the beginning of everything, death is the way out, death is the only way. Death, death, death, death, death... Pain, so much pain that his mind was fragmenting, so much pain, so much pain, that he only wanted his death...

Cold, very cold... But that was the way... His death was the only way that would take him forward... That is why, without hesitation, he had pierced his neck with a sword... But... Anastasia did not want to die... Death was the way, but not for that it was less painful, less lonely, less shocking… I had to die… I had to die… I will save you, Anastasia… This time I will fulfill my promise… Death… Only death…

"Natsuki-kun! What happened 'ere?! I left for a moment and Natsuki-kun's about to die chokin' on his own puke!"

"I'm sorry, miss. Mimi stopped lookin' at Onii-san for a second and all this happened… I'm sorry…"

"It's okay, Mimi. Don't worry. Luckily, Ricardo was able to turn him onto his side, before it was too late…"

"Miss, have ya already found a healin' magic user available…? The boy was so fine just a few hours ago and now this's happenin'... It definitely can't be something normal. A magic attack, perhaps? If that's the case, we'd immediately go into Priestella. We don't know what might happen if we stay 'ere, and I'm concerned about your safety, miss."

"Ya're right Ricardo. It was definitely my mistake to ask that we brin' Subaru out for a breath… Now, about the healin' magic user… The guard at the entrance to the city says there's a healer nearby who could see Natsuki-kun immediately. Julius already received the healer's address from the guard, so we'd hurry up and… "

"Arghh!" Regaining his senses for the second time in less than ten minutes, Subaru again vomited what little was left in his stomach. Now that he was in a more comfortable position, the sour liquid flowed without pooling in his mouth.

"Natsuki-kun?!"

His shaken brain was more stunned than ever. However, through his eyelids, he could see the tender and concerned face of the girl who not long ago accompanied him during his deathbed. Anastasia, the girl who, again, he had promised to save, to help...

Perhaps, deep down, that promise was nothing more than a replacement for that promise that he failed to fulfill. However, his desire to help her has true. He really wanted to help the girl who supported his project in that world, the girl who took an interest in his artifacts and ideas, the girl who received him kindly in her business company, the girl who did not turn her back on him even when his mind snapped and he ended up clinging to her pathetically, the girl who accompanied him during his lonely suicide.

"Ana... stasia..." With tears in his eyes and his voice cracking, Subaru said the girl's name.

"How're ya feeling, Natsuki-kun? Are ya feeling better? Could ya tell us what happened to you?" Calmly, but unable to completely hide her concern, Anastasia inquired about his condition. But he at that moment was not able to think about any of that, he needed to tell them what was about to happen. Now that he was regaining clarity, he had to reveal everything about Elsa and Meili's attack.

"An attack-" Subaru began to remember what happened, Subaru remembered the torture, his death, the return to life, the attack on the inn, the death of Anastasia, Mimi and dozens of other deaths that he would never be aware of. He remembered the cold of the metal passing through his body. Terror, anger, pain... Everything so fresh. His mind had just returned and now he was forcing it to revisit those traumatic memories. Before he could begin to prevent them, Subaru's world returned to the darkness he just escaped from.

"Natsuki-kun? Natsuki-kun?! Ricardo, did somethin' happen to him?" Anastasia asked, looking at Ricardo urgently, though trying to stay calm and cool.

"Hmm... It seems the boy fainted. It doesn't seem serious to me. He's breathing normally. However, we'd go to that healer as soon as possible and see what happened to him. If it's an attack with magic or somethin' similar, we'll have to reinforce security immediately..."

Nodding, Anastasia returned to the carriage along with Mimi and Ricardo, which was carrying Subaru in his arms. Sitting in the driver's seat was Julius, and the two remaining triplets were standing guard around the carriage. Once everyone got back inside the vehicle, they entered Priestella and went to the healer's office that the guard recommended to Anastasia and Julius.

"This should have reduced the migraine and nausea by now." Stopping emitting light from his hands, the medic looked Subaru directly into his eyes. Subaru, who had just regained his consciousness for the third time that day, looked at him with an exhausted expression.

"Yeah, I think so..." His voice came out of his lips like a whisper that vanished into thin air. However, the doctor nodded satisfied. Subaru wanted to ask him to do more, to do everything in his power to heal his mind. But it was useless, the magic in that world could work miracles in the body, but it was unable to solve the problems that had arisen in the mind. And at that time, all his problems came from there.

"Unfortunately, there's nothing else I can do, Miss Hoshin. There does not seem to be any kind of intervention with his mana, and his body is completely healthy. Therefore, I am confident it's something that cannot be treated with magic; it's all in his mind."

"I understand. Thanks for assisting us so quickly." In a sympathetic way, Anastasia thanked the healer who treated them as soon as they entered Priestella.

"It's nothing. It's an honor for me to be able to be of use to a woman like you." Condescendingly, the healer praised Anastasia.

With an annoyed gesture, Subaru watched the exchange between Anastasia and the man. Why did he claim to have been useful? Why? His heart still felt broken. His mind was still fragmented into pieces. His emotions were still rampant inside him. Useful? That man had done nothing. Did he ease his migraine, his nausea? So what? At any moment, they would return; just thinking about the past, about his previous deaths, about what was getting closer to him...

"Ana… Anastasia…" Pushing himself to speak, Subaru forced the words out of his mouth. Feeling the pain spread throughout his body, Subaru decided that it was time to divulge the information for which he questioned Elsa about before committing suicide. He needed to reveal that they were going to be attacked, that the assassins and their beasts would enter through the sewers.

"Do ya've something to say, Natsuki-kun?" Approaching him with a calm countenance, Anastasia looked at him curiously. The urgency that had stained her face minutes ago was no longer apparent. Inside, deep inside, Subaru was satisfied that he had managed to cause that rare mood in the woman he admired.

"W-What I'll t-tell you... is ex-tremely important..." Like poison flowing through his veins, fear flooded him. The fear, the pain, the despair. He didn't want to remember Elsa, he didn't want to remember the suffering, he didn't want to remember the cold of death. But he had to, he had to warn her, no matter that they might not believe him. Once the words were out of his mouth, everything would be okay, finally.

"Yes? What's it?" Cocking her head cutely, the girl motioned for him to continue.

"We… are g-gonna… an assa… two assa… they're go-gonna ata… Blergh!" His fragmented mind, his broken heart, his body affected by a powerful phantom pain. Instead of words, instead of a warning, yellowish bile was expelled from his mouth, bathing his already-stained clothes in vomit. Anastasia would have been hit by the nasty liquid, had it not been for the negligible amount left in her stomach.

"Natsuki-kun?!"

"Miss Hoshin! Did you get vomit on you?" The healer, concerned, approached them with a cloth in his hands.

"No, apparently his stomach was almost completely empty. Natsuki-kun, what happened? What did ya wanna tell me?" As the doctor helped Subaru clean himself up, Subaru looked back at Anastasia, his eyes brimming with tears.

"I-I can't... Ana-stasia... I ca-can't... I'll f-fail aga-in... I-I don't wanna... b-but I c-can't say it..." Grabbing his head, Subaru started to shake it while he muttered. That behavior worried both his employer and the magical doctor. Before their eyes, what they had was a tortured soul.

After paying the healer for the medical consultation, Anastasia approached Julius. He had stayed near the exit of the healer's office, watching what was happening from a distance. With a wave of her hand, she motioned for him to help Subaru up and follow her. Subaru, who seemed to have calmed down a bit, shook his head and stood up by himself, starting to walk behind her with an erratic step.

"It seems the doctor couldn't do anything for him…" Slightly listless, Julius commented as he escorted Anastasia back out of the office.

"Whatever Natsuki-kun's going through, it can't be cured with magic. The healer says he found no trace of interference with his mana, so it seems like it wasn't an attack or curse either. Ultimately, just Natsuki-kun knows why he's in such condition."

"Are you sure of that, Anastasia-sama?" Looking at Subaru, who was walking beside them slightly behind, Julius added. "It doesn't seem to me that he's in all his senses. He may not even know it himself."

"No, I don't think that's the case… It seems like he wants to tell me somethin'. No, he needs to tell me somethin', but he can't. I'm sure whatever he needs to tell me, is related to what has him like this. Unfortunately, he just tryin' to express it seems to make his condition worse, so for now we'll have no choice but to wait for him to recover at least a little. " Sighing, Anastasia also turned to see Subaru.

"I c-can't… I-I ne-ed… to s-say i-it… B-But… I-I can't…" Visibly frustrated, Subaru kept repeating the same phrase over and over again. Thus, the three of them met with the leaders of the Fang of Iron and set off for the inn. The time that Subaru had to warn them about the assassin's attack, was less and less every second.

Eight hours since the Last Death (Five Deaths)

"I can't... I need to say it... I can't... I need to say it... I can't... I need to say it... I can't... I need to say it... I can't... I need to say it..." Over and over, Subaru repeated that phrase while pulling hard on his hair. He was aware of what he had to do and had the determination to do it. But his fragmented mind and tainted spirit just wouldn't allow it. Thus, the fight had moved into his being.

I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. Pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain. Death, death, death, death, death, death, death, death, death, death, death. Cold and lonely, death was drawing near. The suffering and pain that wanted to drown him would come with it. He needed to say it, but he couldn't. He needed to say it, but his mind precluded him. He needed to say it, but his body refused.

"Please…" Shaking his body, Subaru rocked back and forth, hugging his legs. It was already getting dark and he was sitting on the futon in his room, completely alone.

He had refused to behave in the same way as the previous loop, when, completely broken, he pathetically clung to Anastasia. However, that in itself presented a huge risk, as Elsa had mentioned that his repulsive attachment to Anastasia had made it difficult for them to find the right moment to attack.

So, for that very reason, there was a possibility that at that moment Elsa and Meili were about to start their attack. The very idea set Subaru's heart racing. He needed to warn them, he needed to talk to Anastasia, Julius or Ricardo, and fully reveal the events that were about to happen. If he didn't act fast, the last piece of information he got from Elsa would be useless; if it weren't already. In the end, that moment of fearlessness would also end up in the trash. So he needed to do it, he longed to do it... but he couldn't.

"Fuck!" Pulling his hair even harder, Subaru screamed. After several seconds, he inhaled deeply and forced himself to calm down. After releasing his hair, several strands fell from his fingers, spreading across the sheet. With an expression of pain and frustration on his face, Subaru finally dropped down, being crushed under the weight of his inaction and the accompanying consequences.

Inhale, one, two, three, Exhale. Inhale, one, two, three, Exhale. Inhale, one, two, three, Exhale. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Until the body gets used to it, until it is recorded in the mind, until it is marked in the soul. Forcing himself to accept despair, Subaru, with tears in his eyes, finally stopped moving.

Face down, with his limbs splayed out, Subaru gazed into the darkness of his tainted spirit. With bloody tears, he gazed at the fragments of his mind. With a heavy heart, he contemplated his eternal weakness. Subaru had to accept it again, he had to accept that he couldn't do anything, that he wasn't the right person for the job.

Promises? Why bother? Why bother doing them? Why bother to comply with them? That's how he was, always hoping to achieve everything, always talking about how he would achieve everything; so that in the end they were nothing more than empty words. He, proud without reason, was nothing. His self-loathing only increased, as if in an upward spiral.

Subaru was aware of everything, the day he met Reinhard he was forced to see the truth straight in the face. But he had refused to really accept his weaknesses, had refused to truly accept their existence. However, the torture made everything so clear that there was no longer room for doubt. He was a coward who kept walking in circles, unable to get out of his loop of misery.

I am weak, I really am… My stupid unfounded pride, my big mouth, my childish attitude, my cowardice, my mediocrity, my self-indulgence. It was true, he had played at being humble the day he left everything in Reinhard's hands, but in the end he had only escaped. Escaped once more, escaped from his promise, escaped from himself, escaped from it all.

But now he couldn't keep running, he had to accept that he was weak, assimilate it. His weakness that was cruel, his weakness that was to blame for the death of those who were willing to give him a hand. So he had to accept it, assimilate it, and do something about it. He had to get up, assume he was who he was, and really do his best to improve himself. Strive to find his qualities and exploit them.

That is why he was following Anastasia, the woman who had accomplished just that. No, that was not entirely true... She had not completed the path, she was halfway there. She had taken the first step, the second and even the third. Unlike him, who was still stuck on the first step. But she was still far from her goal, far from achieving what she was fighting for. Subaru knew this from what he heard her say on their deathbed.

Anastasia suffered death like him, Anastasia was not satisfied with the end of her life, Anastasia wanted to continue living, to continue fighting. That is why it was necessary for him to overcome his weakness and reveal the proximity of Elsa's attack. So he had to ignore the pain caused by his weakness and take the second step towards his goal.

"Yeah, I really get it… Then why can't I do it?!" The surface of the futon absorbed Subaru's frustrated cry.

Subaru was aware of the course of action to take, Subaru had his goal clear. But he was unable to do anything about it. That's why he was in that state. He had accepted that he could do nothing, had accepted his weaknesses. However, he could not find the strength to do anything about it. Doubts clouded his spirit, holding him at a stalemate. What if they don't believe me? What if saying it makes everything worse? What if it's too late? Those were the questions that haunted him.

His mind was a mess. He was aware of everything, but he couldn't do anything. He had clear goals and desires, but they were not enough to move him out of self-induced stagnation; because of his doubts. He was frustrated, but couldn't find a way to release that frustration. He was at the end of a cul-de-sac that he had created himself and couldn't find his way out.

"I'll have to start all over again…" It was then that he finally found a way to release his frustration.

Using his two arms, Subaru raised his body slowly. With the sheet peeling from his reddened eyes, Subaru revealed a face that expressed resignation. Numb, he took the sheet in one of his hands and with a clumsy step approached the wooden pillar that supported the structure of the room. Looking up, he carefully observed the angle at which the pillar split into two pieces of wood that supported the ceiling.

Sighing, Subaru tossed the sheet up into the air, getting it through the gap formed between the pillar and the wooden beam. In a robotic way, without producing a word, he tied the sheet in a knot. Once he was sure that the sheet would be able to support his weight, he walked over to the table in the corner of his room and dragged it to the side of the pillar.

Sighing resignedly, Subaru placed himself on the table. Carefully, he rolled part of the sheet around his neck. Once he finished with the preparations, he looked down at his feet. The fabric of the sheet was snug against his neck as he hung from the beam. His legs wouldn't stop shaking; indication that he hadn't yet fully digested it.

"T-This is the only w-way…" If I die, I'll go back. If I die, I will have more time. If I die, I will be able to seek the courage to overcome my eternal weakness. If I die, I can put my doubts aside and say what I know I must say. If I die, I will be able to warn Anastasia in time. If I die, I can avoid being killed by Elsa. If I die, I won't have to witness their deaths again... If I die, I won't have to face the consequences of my inaction again.

Death was the way. Now that he was at a dead end of his own making, he would force his way out the only remaining path. His death was the answer. His death was the ultimate escape. He didn't want to keep running away, he needed to stop using his weaknesses as an excuse. But without the willpower to carry out that, he had no choice but to try again... He would escape once more, to be able to find the willpower necessary to stop escaping. Ironically, that in itself was one more excuse, another way of escaping. Everything about him, that instant, was ironic and contradictory. The absurdity of the man who lies to himself and ends up believing his own lie.

With tears obscuring his vision, Subaru glanced towards his bedroom door, which had taken on a reddish hue. It was dusk, darkness would come in no time, and with it, the two assassins would attack; he was convinced of it. If he could not overcome his fear and warn Anastasia of the attack of the assassins before dark, he would have to continue to resort to that path, to death.

Cold death, lonely death, painful death. He didn't want to accept it. As much as it was the way in moments of despair, he didn't want to resort to it. He did not wish to die. He did not want to continue suffering. But as long as he had no other options, he would be forced to accept it.

"I'm s-such a c-coward... It's e-easier for me to d-die, than to talk a-about what's about to ha-happen. I'm only good at running away, apparently..." Grudgingly, Subaru once again accepted his helplessness, unable to do anything to change himself. Silently, without saying another word, he kicked the table and dropped to his death.

The Pain, the pain returned. He gasped for air, his throat begging for a breath of oxygen, but the fabric wouldn't allow it. The weight of his body was causing the tension around his neck to increase, making it harder for him to breathe every second. It wasn't being a peaceful death. Convulsing, his body begged for survival.

With his lips turning purple, his skin whitening until it was camouflaged with the sheet that was robbing him of life, and with his reddened eyes about to pop out of their socket, Subaru finally lost consciousness. The darkness embraced him and his death, with frustratingly slow steps, approached him with a grim smile. I hate myself so much… Subaru thought, as his life faded.

"-baru!" Feeling his entire world tremble, Subaru was abruptly yanked out of the darkness. "Subaru!?" Thousands of alarms were ringing inside his brain, forcing him to take a deep breath.

Coughing, Subaru squirmed. His throat hurt, it hurt a lot. The mere entry and exit of air was torture for his body. Still, his lungs didn't stop doing their job, as if making fun of him. Slowly regaining his senses, Subaru opened his eyes, to find a face that would usually never show expressions like the ones it was showing.

"Subaru, why?!" Still trying to understand what was happening around him, Subaru was shaken by an alarmed Julius, who kept questioning him about something.

Slow to understand, Subaru began to realize that something was wrong. He was still in his room, the sheet lying beside him, torn. And the light, that filtered through the tatami walls, stained the place a reddish hue. Realization hit him hard. His death had been thwarted. He was still in the world that was about to be dyed red, by the blood spilled because of his eternal weakness.