The Useless Employee and the Valuable Knight

Eight hours since the Last Death (Five Deaths)

Shame and pain ran through his body, causing new tears to form in his eyes. Why was he still alive? Had Julius come for him just in time to save him? Subaru knew the answer, but refused to accept it. He was sick of all that, sick of the fate that played with him, as if making fun of his pathetic self.

"Arghhh!" With a squeak of frustration, Subaru pulled Julius, who was holding him by the shoulders, off of him. He was in no condition to listen to the knight's reproaches; he was in no condition to listen to anyone.

With a blank look on his face, Subaru took the rope, made from his sheet, that Julius had discarded. His gaze traveled from the makeshift rope to the rest of the room, to finally land on the tatami door. It was open, probably because Julius didn't even think to close it when he saw him hanging from the wooden beam. Through it, he observed the sky that stretched out over the rest of the inn rooms; it was already dark, completely dark.

"Subaru, you're not thinking…?" Julius approached him with the intention of snatching the piece of sheet from him, so Subaru threw it at his face. The knight, being caught off guard, tried to grab the rope out of reflex. That was the moment when Subaru took the opportunity to throw himself at Julius's waist to try to steal his sword. "Agh!"

But Subaru was weak, useless, incapable of anything… With a swift movement, Julius pulled his waist away while with one hand he pushed Subaru's shoulder. Thrown by inertia, Subaru fell, face first, to the wooden floor. With a groan of anger and frustration, Subaru started hitting the ground with his fist, to the point where blood began to gush from the injuries he was causing himself.

"W-Why? Why ?! You just had to let me die! Julius!" Snorting, Subaru glanced at the knight. His pupils were clouded with fear, frustration, guilt, anger... hatred. Like a spring, Subaru got up and threw a punch at Julius's face. This time, waiting for it, Julius dodged without even touching him.

Stumbling, Subaru collided with the pillar. From his nose, his mouth and his forehead… blood didn't stop flowing from his face. Was the cause of it the hit against the ground? Or was it the blow against the wooden pillar? Subaru had no idea, and he wasn't interested in the answer either. At that moment, Subaru had only one thing in mind: to get even with the one who thwarted his death.

His wishes were frustrated, his ideas, his plans, his future, his happy ending, his life... and now his death too. Nothing happened the way he wanted, the way he needed. And when he found a path that seemed to lead him to it, it always ended in suffering. That's how his life was before, which ended with him locked in his room, escaping from his reality, and now, which ended with him escaping his death and... his life, without achieving it.

Therefore, for all the frustration it caused him to be unable to warn Anastasia, to be unable to overcome his doubts and fears, and to reveal what was coming. For being unable to fulfill his plans. For being unable to act. For being unable to die. For being incapable of everything... For this reason, due to the frustration that this caused him, Subaru wanted to retaliate with Julius, the man who denied him death.

Like a maddened man, Subaru threw punches into the air, in places where only moments ago Julius had been. Left, Right, nothing... Annoyed, he threw a kick and knee, losing his balance and falling in the process. Getting up again, Subaru searched Julius with bloodshot eyes. There he was, near the entrance. His white knight's clothing, perfectly neat as always, reflected the light of the newly looming moon.

With his fists clenched so tight that his nails had penetrated his skin, Subaru lunged at Julius, waving his fists in a completely erratic manner. Julius, without showing any emotion, without saying a word, just dodged it. Just like a dragon would treat an ant, Julius ignored Subaru. This went on for several minutes, until Subaru showed obvious signs of exhaustion.

"Could you stop, Subaru? I was just coming to give you a message, I must return to my mistress as soon as possible and your childish tantrum prevents me from doing so." Nonchalantly, Julius questioned Subaru. Still, the raven-haired man just kept shaking his fists, not paying attention to his words.

Realizing that dealing with Subaru in a civilized manner would not work, Julius drew his sword and, with its handle, lightly struck Subaru's left shoulder. Upon being stopped by the force of the impact, Subaru was exposed to another attack. Julius was about to finish that useless revolt, when he noticed Subaru's fist approaching his abdomen. At another time, under other circumstances, he would have praised his determination. However, after everything that happened, they would have only been wasted words.

"Do us both a favor, and stay put." Printing a bit more force than in the previous blow, the metal handle of his sword plunged into Subaru's abdomen. Stripping him of air and the strength to stand, Subaru collapsed to the ground once more; this time, he showed no signs of wanting to continue attacking him. Assuming Subaru was done, Julius returned his sword to its sheath. And it was then that he heard it.

"Ha, ha, ha... Ha, ha..." Subaru, who was still lying splayed out on the ground, started to laugh. It was a broken chuckle, product of the shortage of air in his lungs. "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha..." As he caught his breath, his laugh became more and more strident. "Hahahahahaha!" Until his laugh finally started to sound completely crazed. A tainted laugh that could have chilled the blood of anyone lacking in guts.

"Subaru?" Bewildered, Julius called Subaru. But he just ignored him. Subaru kept laughing, as if his mind had finally been broken.

"Hahaha… I made it… Hahaha… I finally made it." Calming down a bit, Subaru knelt and looked Julius straight in the face. For an instant, even Julius felt a chill run through his body. Subaru's face, bathed in tears and blood, had a twisted smile on her lips, while his eyes conveyed suffering and despair. "I made it… Your damn uniform is no longer as tidy and neat as you always pretend to be!"

"What are you talking about?" Subaru, as if reacting to Julius' question, looked down at the knight's abdomen. Mimicking him, Julius looked in the same direction and… finally understood. A drop of blood, a lonely drop that could be completely ignored if not paid attention, even considering the white of his uniform. That's what Subaru had been looking for.

"Now you too have your clothes stained with blood. Soon it will be your hands, your sword, your entire body will be bathed in the blood of your enemies and allies. You'll leave behind thousands of bodies, thousands and thousands. You're a royal knight, so I'm sure you're used to it by now. But will it be the same when it comes to the bodies of Ricardo, Mimi, Hetaro, Tivey… Joshua… and Anastasia? You'll bear the guilt… You'll bear the pain of failure… You, the best knight of a candidate for the Royal Selection of the country you serve…"

"Subaru, what are you talking about?" More firmly than before, Julius repeated the question.

"You'll get stained with blood... Like me! You and I will have failed! We'll be equal! Regardless of whether you are the knight and I the useless employee! We'll both fail! And all..."

"Subaru…?"

"And all because you didn't let me die! We'll both bear the pain and the guilt! So it would've been better if you had let me die! That was the only way out left! Don't you get it?! With my death we would have prevented it! But now it's too late... At any moment it'll begin, I'm sure. My damn, eternal weakness, led us to this hell one more time... And you... You took away the only way I had left!"

"Subaru!" With a voice so firm that it could have been mistaken for a scream, Julius stopped Subaru as he rambled incoherently. "I don't know what you're talking about, and I hope you can explain yourself once you calm down. But, for now, you have to start by understanding that your death wouldn't have solved anything."

"Anything…?" With a genuine gesture of confusion, Subaru finally stopped his crazed tantrum. "Wouldn't have solved anything... Sure, for you, things may be like that. But for me..." Before continuing, Subaru stopped, her doubts were once again preventing him from saying what he had to say... He won't believe me… "You wouldn't understand…"

"Understand? What do I've to understand? Death's the end, there's no magic or power capable of giving you back the life you have lost. There's only one person with a similar power, and he possesses it just because of who he is." A bittersweet frown formed on Julius's face as he said those last words. Subaru was not able to grasp what was going through Julius's head. However, that was not the time to try to comprehend him.

"I already told you, you would not understand. I doubt that there's anyone capable of doing so, and with that I include myself. The only thing you should know is that death was my only way, our only way. Now we'll have to bear the consequences of not having taking it. I'm sure it's too late by this point… And if it isn't, I'm sure you won't let me die, no matter how much I beg of you. Or am I wrong?"

"You're not… Subaru, I don't know what's going through your head, but I'm going to repeat it: Death is not the way."

"I already told you, you foolish knight! For me, it is! For me, it's the way!" Starting to feel quite annoyed, Subaru continued to insist on his point of view. Winning that argument was the only thing left for him to win...

"Accepting your death, or worse, being the cause of your own death, is no different than giving up. Are you doing that? Are you giving up? Are you running away from whatever it is that left you in your current state? Is death the only way out that your eyes, blinded by your emotions, can see?" Showing genuine interest, the Valuable Knight asked question after question. And unknowingly, each question struck Subaru deeply, who hated someone pointing out what he already knew.

"Am I giving up…? Running way…? Maybe…" With a deep wail leaving his throat, Subaru lowered his head. He hated Julius for saying it, and he hated himself for being unable to contradict him.

"That's the easy way out." Julius affirmed firmly.

"Easy?" For the first time during the entire conversation, Subaru firmly raised his face and glared at Julius. Anger ran through his veins, heating his body to the point of melting. "Giving up may be the easy way, escape may be the cowards' way out. I won't be so hypocrite as to deny that. But... Do you think dying's easy? Are you so closed-minded as to believe that accepting death's something easy?"

"I depends on..." Julius was about to counter, but Subaru didn't let him.

"It isn't! Damn it! It isn't! Accepting your own death sucks! Accepting that it's the only way, it's frustrating and painful! Death is pure suffering! Especially if it's you the one who carries it out!" Terrible memories of a sharp piece of metal going through his throat flashed through his mind, causing his hands to spasm. "I wish there were another way! I wish I didn't have to accept that dying's the only way! But there's no other way! Know why? Because it's the only way resulting from my own actions! My weak self caused all this! Me! Only me! Stupid me who is incapable of doing what's necessary! Useless me, who cannot do more than weep over his own weaknesses!

"I insist, death is not the way. No matter how closed you perceive the panorama, death is not a way. There will always be another way to take, you just have to search without losing your determination. And if there really isn't a way, you just have to forge the path with your bare hands. Therefore, I refuse to accept your logic." Taking a deep breath, Julius stretched out his hand towards Subaru. "I may not know you well enough to try to put myself in your place and pretend that I understand you. But I have seen your look, a look full of determination. Of course, in addition to determination, I perceive fear, doubt and frustration. But above all that, there's a great determination that prevents you from stagnating."

"I'm sure you saw wrong." Subaru replied, rejecting Julius's hand. "I'm someone who's only capable of running away, someone who uses his weaknesses as an excuse to sit back and regret everything he isn't capable of. There's no such thing as determination in me." Clenching his fists tightly, Subaru denied Julius's claim in a hoarse voice.

"You appeared out of nowhere, with no apparent knowledge about Lugunica or one of the neighboring countries. You looked for merchants and craftsmen, who were willing to help you, without obtaining anything for weeks, and still you didn't give up. You strived to bring to life artifacts lacking a market, and with the help of your colleagues, you built an unlikely business in less than a month… That's what I heard about the results of Anastasia-sama's research on you and your past."

"What does that have to do with what we're talking about?"

"You endeavored to learn the writing, the local culture and about business and commerce; although they aren't your strong suit. You accepted Anastasia-sama's offer without hesitation and rushed all the procedures to begin the Reinvention Project as soon as possible. Plus, you have created at least twenty completely innovative artifact designs. All in less than five months. "

"Why're you aware of all that? I'm a nobody! Why've you paid so much attention to me?"

"Not just me. Anastasia-sama and many people have been drawn to the mystery around you. For many, you're the new Hoshin of the Wilderness, a person completely out of the ordinary. Therefore, it's to be expected that even someone like me would be curious about you. Who are you? Where do you come from? What is your goal? What are you looking for? I'm sure you've heard those questions many times..."

"What's up with all that? I already told you, I'm a nobody. All my ideas are taken from really ingenious people where I come from. So none of that matters…" Subaru still remembered what Anastasia told him before his last death; that his ideas were his and no one else's. However, now that he was in a shit hole of his own making, it was hard to accept those lenient words.

"Leaving aside things related to the origin of your ideas and your place of birth, the point I want to get to is that."

"That? Which one?! Julius, stop playing with me!" Annoyed by Julius' roundabout way of speaking, Subaru urged him to say what he had to say once and for all.

"Everything I said." Insisted Julius, firmly, as if it were obvious. Then, noticing that Subaru still hadn't realize it, he continued speaking. "… Apparently you need me to tell you... In these four months you have worked non-stop, even obtaining a contract with Anastasia-sama. You have struggled to adapt to the new environment, you have learned from a business that you hardly knew about and still, you are already considered the new Hoshin of the Wilderness. Your determination has brought you here, this place and time, with us, with Anastasia-sama. Are you really willing to make all those efforts to no avail, for whatever has you in your current condition? Will you give up so easily? Will you fail the expectations of my mistress, who trusted you? Will you fail the determination that appears in your gaze, without letting itself be clouded by the doubts, fears and frustrations?"

"I…" Wordlessly, Subaru looked at Julius with a blank expression.

"The determination I saw in you, couldn't have been completely in vain..." Combing his bangs elegantly, Julius looked at Subaru with a strength and determination worthy of the Knight among knights.

"I…" Subaru remembered.

The pain of being killed by Elsa, him leaving everything in the hands of Reinhard, he seeking to make a living with the ideas of his world, he selling his cell phone and seeking support from a craftsman or merchant to start his business project. He remembered the nights full of fear, the days full of uncertainty.

He remembered entire days spent drawing designs with Leith, remembered entire nights doing business plans with Otto, remembered weeks spent helping Leith bring the designs to life. He recalled the efforts invested to make his business official, in order to sign their alliance with Anastasia. He remembered his promise to reach his happy ending. He remembered his promise to help Anastasia achieve the same.

Then he remembered even further back, his thread of memories traveled even before reaching that world. He remembered how hard his parents tried to get him out of his room... He remembered how much he made them suffer by ignoring and staying away from them. He remembered that everything happened, because he was unable to be like his father... He remembered that everything happened because of his inaction... His parents, whom he never listened to... His mother, whom he never said goodbye to...

And after all that time, even after acknowledging the existence of his weaknesses, he still acted the same. Allowing his inaction to define him, allowing himself to get away whenever things don't go the way he expect. Even after dedicating himself body and soul to the project he started with Otto and Leith, would he still make the same mistakes?

Perhaps the ideas weren't his, but Anastasia was right… Now that he was in that world, his reinventions would inevitably have a part of him. Would it be right to quit, when part of him was now invested in his ideas, designs, and reinvented artifacts? Would it be right to quit after putting Leith and Otto together with him in the same metaphorical boat? Would it be right to disappoint Anastasia, who had high expectations of him?

Sure, dying wouldn't be the same as giving up. He can return after death… But, seeing Julius's determined countenance when speaking of the determination he saw in him. Seeing him save his life, subsequently refusing to let him die. And after witnessing Anastasia return for him, to end up with both her and Mimi's life destroyed… Would he be able to say that dying would not be giving up and leaving them behind.

What assured him that when he died, they would not continue their life alongside a deceased Subaru? Was his Return by Death a change of dimension, or a return in time that erases everything that happens after his death? There was no way he could come up with the answer, so there was uncertainty... Could he disregard the kind gestures of the people of that world towards his life? Knowing that there is a possibility that after his death, they are left behind, dealing alone with the consequences of his sins…

"Death it's not the way…?" If death was not the way, then he would have to fight. Was that the correct course of action? Subaru didn't know it, but seeing Julius's determination, who claimed to see determination in him, he felt that betraying his expectations, like Anastasia's, would be despicable of him. But then, if death is not the way...

"No, it isn't. So get up and fight whatever brought you to your knees. And if you feel like you just can't, then don't hesitate to borrow my sword. We are allies now, as men under the command of Anastasia-sama. So it's my duty to ensure that you can meet my mistress's expectations and help her achieve her goals." Noticing the change in attitude in Subaru, Julius lowered his head slightly and again offered his support to Subaru.

"Do you think that everything can be solved with the sword, Julius?" With sarcasm, Subaru questioned Julius, who widened his eyes in surprise, as if realizing his error in judgment. But before the knight apologized for it, Subaru added. "Luckily for both of us, the problem that afflicts me could definitely be dealt with the help of your sword…"

"I'm glad to hear that." The knight expressed, smiling with his typical dignified expression. "Now, could you explain to me what you stated earlier? About the death of Anastasia-sama, the leaders of the Fang of Iron, and even my brother. From what I have heard you say, it seems to me that it is related to whatever ails you. Am I wrong?"

"No. You're not…" That was the moment, He couldn't keep relegating it. Fears? Doubts? Weaknesses? A new path has just been opened in front of him, it was time to put all that aside and say what he had been incapable of up to that moment. "There's something I've been trying to tell Anastasia, but I haven't been able to…"

"I know." Julius replied, nodding.

"My weakness… The weakness of my mind, my spirit and my heart, prevented me from saying it before, but… I'll take advantage of the fact that you are willing to listen to me and I'll get everything off my chest." Taking a deep breath, Subaru prepared to reveal what he had been unable to say.

Would he fail again? Would he breakdown again? No, he couldn't afford that. Not after everything Julius told him. If it was true that he could see determination in his eyes, then he wished he could live up to the knight's expectations. Same with Anastasia's expectations. To be less than that, would be a betrayal of all the efforts that he went through with Leith and Otto. It would be disappointing his parents, who loved him and wanted to help him, once again. Therefore…

"Tell me everything you have to say, Subaru. I pledge to listen to you silently. Once you finish, we can think about what would be the best course of action to take." Being the reliable knight that he was, Julius prepared to listen to him.

"Julius… They're c-coming… Two ass-… Argh!" Memories flowed through him. The pain of torture, the pain of death, the pain of loneliness… His stomach churned, nausea causing him to reel. His forehead was bathed in cold sweat, his skin turned pale, and thick tears began to form at the corners of his eyes.

His brain was breaking down. The trauma etched into his mind after the torture was so profound that just trying to mention it shook his entire body. That was the weakness that was holding him back, the weakness Elsa etched deep in his heart. And that wasn't all... What if he don't believe me? What if he thinks I know about it because I'm in cahoots with Elsa and Meili? What if all this is in vain? The doubts, one by one, accumulated inside him again. Piece by piece, Subaru began to fall apart.

His mind; clouded with doubts. His heart; oppressed by the trauma. His spirit; corrupted by pain and fear. Subaru knew that as long as his condition remained that way, talking about what was about to happen would be impossible without getting seriously hurt psychologically and emotionally in the process. He knew it… But he also knew that if he didn't do it, if he allowed it to stop him, then all the people who accompanied him, all the people who had been kind to him, all the people who had placed expectations on him, would die or be embraced by misfortune.

It doesn't matter if he don't believe me. It doesn't matter if I make it worse. It doesn't matter if it's too late. I'll say that what I've known all this time I've to say, no matter what happens from here. Whatever happens, it has to be better than the hell I witnessed before my last death. Fighting the doubts that gathered inside him, Subaru forced himself to keep talking.

"They're go-nna c-come…" With his eyes reddened, Subaru continued to fight his weakness. That was the second step... The first was to acknowledged his weaknesses, which occurred the moment he accepted that what happened in the Loot Cellar was beyond him and left everything in the hands of the Saint of the Sword. Now was the time to take the next step, and do something about his weaknesses; using them as an excuse was no longer an option. "Two p-people will co-me..." He paused again, searching for words that would stray as far as possible from the painful memories of his previous deaths. "A li-ttle girl and a wo-woman…" Every word that came out of his mouth, he felt like a knife was driven into his chest. "They're b-both… a… as… assa… assassins… A-And… they'll en-ter the c-city… throu-gh the se-wers… alo-ng w-with a g-group of ma-beasts…" Julius' eyes widened, but the knight refrained from stopping him, which Subaru silently thanked; had he stopped it, continuing would have been impossible. "I-I'm… their ta-target… B-but, they'll a-also attack… Anastasia!" Feeling a weight disappear from his shoulders, Subaru finished saying what he had to say, as he began to cough violently.

"Two assassins have been hired to kill you, but they will also attack Anastasia-sama and the rest of the camp?" Summing up Subaru's words, Julius made sure he understood the message by repeating it. Subaru, who was still coughing in agony, nodded. "And what did you mean earlier by "it's too late"? Do you think they are about to attack?" Subaru, who was finally beginning to recover, nodded again. "Subaru..." A change in the atmosphere caused Subaru to look at Julius. What he found was one of the sources of his doubts. "How do you know all this? Where did you get all this information? I am willing to believe you, but I need you to answer that."

There was no other way... Doubt was visible on Julius' face, but it was clear that, for the moment, he was willing to take his word for it. How high were his expectations of him? If that was the case, then Subaru would go as far as he could go. He had nothing to lose anymore, anyway. To hell with everything, he thought.

If he had finally managed to warn about Elsa and Meili's attack, talking about his ability to return to life after his death should be relatively easy. Besides, if he hadn't talked about his ability until then, that was because he hadn't had the need and didn't want people to doubt his sanity any more than they already did. But, in the situation he was in, that was the least of his concerns. Let whatever happens… Subaru thought, ready to reveal the reason for his knowledge of future events.

"Julius, your trust in me may be completely shattered by hearing how I know about it. Still, I'll tell you, so I hope you'll listen to what I have to say with an open mind." Julius, with a serious expression, accepted. "I've never told anyone, but the reason I know about the attack is because… I can return by dea-"

Julius didn't react. In fact, he didn't move at all. It took Subaru several seconds to realize it. Time had come to a complete standstill, including him. The dust in the air, the feel of the wind, the sounds of the people in the inn, even his breathing. The only thing that was mobilizing at that moment was the running of his thoughts. Was it the same for Julius?

Subaru was forced to abandon that train of thought when he realized that something was changing in the room frozen in time. It was a shadow, a shadow that was materializing in front of him. What the hell? He thought, unable to tear his gaze away from the shadow. Moreover, something inside him told him that this was not the first time he had seen that shadow; it felt like déjà vu.

However, he was sure that whatever it was, his life was in danger in its presence. Little by little, like the fluctuation of ink in the water, the shadow approached him, gaining the shape of a hand. Five fingers were visible, but the rest of the arm was nothing more than a stream of throbbing shadows, giving the impression that it was something toxic.

The hand-shaped shadow advanced until it touched his chest… No, the shadow went through his chest. Panicking, Subaru tried to shake himself, wallow, whatever it took to prevent the black hand from entering inside him. But it was all useless, his body did not move in the slightest. In terror of what was about to happen, Subaru kept his gaze fixed on Julius's frozen face, unable to check the state of his shadow-pierced chest.

For a moment that felt like an eternity, absolutely nothing happened. The flow of the shadow that disappeared behind his chest remained static. However, everything shifted so quickly that his brain had trouble processing the change for several seconds. When he did, a wave of pain, coming from his chest, washed over him completely.

If he hadn't been deprived of his voice, his cry could have been heard in every corner of Priestella. The pain that arose inside his chest was so great, that if time had not been stopped, he would have collapsed lifelessly right there. He wanted to squirm, he wanted to refuse, he wanted to resist, but he had no choice but to accept the torture the shadow was inflicting on him in complete obedience.

The pain in his chest, the pain in his heart, was compared to it being crushed with all the force of an industrial machine. For several agonizing minutes, the shadowy hand made his heart its toy. Subaru inevitably remembered the torture he suffered at the hands of Elsa. At first, despair and madness seized his thoughts. But, little by little, he got used to it.

It was maddening pain, as terrible as having your heart crushed can feel. Even so, Subaru eventually began to realize that Elsa's torture took the pain and suffering to another level, one that the shadowy hand had failed to reach. It was almost nothing compared to feeling your skin being ripped off, feeling your limbs being sliced off, feeing your scalp being cut like a sheet of skin, feeling your organs being ripped out. All, at the same time, while you are still alive. Pain enough to break you completely. The torture of the hand, while incredibly painful, still did not compare to it...

Then, with his mind starting to clear, Subaru felt something inside him. A fragment that was hidden inside him, waiting for the right moment to show itself. "I hate you... I hate you... I hate you..." Like a mantra, that fragment of his mind began to express hatred towards the shadow that was torturing him. And before Subaru could begin to question himself about it, the pain level increased; no, to describe it like that would be an understatement, a huge understatement. Apparently, the shadowy hand had reacted to the feelings in the piece of his fragmented mind.

His spirit, mind and heart, everything that represented his being, Natsuki Subaru, was then fragmented into thousands of pieces that the air took away. His heart, which had beaten to keep him alive throughout his existence, was crushed until nothing was left but a bloody pulp... Subaru, whose mind was unable to process all the suffering that was tormenting him, heard a voice . He heard a voice yell at him with jealousy, before everything in his mind went white. "Love me, Subaru!"