Cure of Despair

Nine hours since the Last Death (Five Deaths)

The muscles in his legs begged for rest and his lungs ached with every breath he took. His body, bathed in sweat, was close to collapse. After speaking so grandly, was that all he could give of himself? Subaru wanted to answer that question in the negative, but doing so would be lying.

"Al Dona!" Casting a spell, the little girl who was guiding them collapsed part of the ground on which was running a pack of Wolgarms that had approached them. Blood and chunks of flesh rained down, along with the paper and wood of what was, until a moment ago, one of the inn's rooms. Mimi seemed to be more used to using her screams than using her earth element magic, yet she had apparently already reached her limit.

Hyperventilating, the girl leaned on her knees, trying to catch her breath. It wasn't just about Subaru and Anastasia anymore, now Mimi had reached the limit of her stamina as well. All three were exhausted, but the endless flow of mabeasts had barely diminished since they were separated from the two remaining triplets; something that was not a good sign.

Frustrated, Mimi walked over to them. From her gesture, it was obvious that she had already run out of ideas. They had gone through each of the inn corridors, so they no longer had anywhere to go. The only option was to leave the inn grounds, but that option had already been ruled out by Anastasia. Even so, to continue like this, would only be to condemn themselves...

"Grooar!" Subaru, still in his current condition, was able to react to the attack of a lone Wolgarm.

The beast, which had been hiding in the shadows until just now, lunged to his side. Unable to completely escape its trajectory, Subaru did the only thing he could think of at the time. Using one of his arms, Subaru tore the lightweight Anastasia off his back and threw her to the side. As the girl fell onto the wooden floor, Subaru used her other arm to receive the beast's attack.

The beast's long canines dug into his limb, causing jets of blood to flow violently down the Wolgarm's neck. An enormous pain ran through the nerves in his arm, causing him to cry out in rage and agony. Struggling to free himself, Subaru hit the mabeast's skull; but it was useless.

Clamping his teeth relentlessly to ease the pain, Subaru kept hitting the demon dog's snout. But the blows were not causing the desired result, on the contrary, the fangs of the beast were increasingly introduced into his flesh, to the point where they were about to hit the bone.

Feeling the adrenaline rush through his body, Subaru chose to stick one of his fingers into the socket of one of the Wolgarm's eyes. Digging hard, Subaru ripped out the eye organ. The eyeball was expelled from its orbit, hanging from it by the set of veins that linked it to the brain of the bestial dog. Screaming, the Wolgarm finally released him, at which point Subaru took the opportunity to kick him away from him.

The beast had not finished falling on the wooden corridor, when a sound wave impacted its body, turning it into a heap of blood and mutilated flesh. Disgusted, Subaru stepped away from the blood-stinking remains and approached Anastasia, who was already on her feet. Slightly concerned, the girl approached him and took him by the arm where he was bitten.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry I threw you out like that, but it was the only way I found to free you from danger." Gazing Anastasia up and down, Subaru searched for any sign of injury.

In the end, he noticed nothing but a small tear in the beautiful kimono she was wearing. Subaru had to admit that this was the first time he had noticed Anastasia's change of clothes. Probably because since arriving in Priestella, he hadn't had a chance to stop to appreciate the details, except for the short tour he took through Priestella; although just thinking about how it ended made him feel like he was about to throw up.

"I'm the one who should ask that, Natsuki-kun. Ya only acted in the best way ya'd think of to save me, so… thanks, Natsuki-kun." Smiling tenderly, Anastasia thanked him for acting in favor of her health, at a time when their lives had been placed on the edge of the abyss of death. "Now tell me how ya feel. This bite looks quite deep, so we should treat it immediately to prevent the bleedin' from continuin'."

"I'm fine, I'm fine… I don't think it's a big deal." Smiling sorrowfully, Subaru played down his injury. It might come to be considered that he was acting bravely for something stupid like male honor, but in truth he thought it was no big deal; especially compared to his latest injuries. And deep down, he hated he was starting to think that way... "And you don't have to thank me. I already told you that now my duty as an employee, is to make sure you're well by the end of this day."

"Hmm… In that case, you're doing a good job." Nodding, the girl appreciated the efforts Subaru had put into keeping her alive. After that, without much thought, she tore a piece from the hem of her kimono and began to make a makeshift bandage with it, to stop the bleeding from Subaru's arm.

"I… Um… I'm sorry, Onii-san, miss. Mimi couldn't react in time and that's why you're attacked. The worst part is that since magic or Mimi's scream could have damaged Onii-san, Mimi had to wait until he broke free to do somethin'… So I'm sorry. " Distressed, Mimi approached them, with a look that could destroy the heart of even the coldest person. Her blue-green eyes had tears in them and her breathing was still labored.

"You don't have to worry about it, Mimi. You've guided and protected us since the siege of the inn began, so the mistake was mine for not paying more attention to my surroundings." Seeking to cheer her up, Subaru claimed, not without believing it, that the real culprit was him.

"Natsuki-kun's right… partly, Mimi. I don't think there's culprit . The three of us are tired from escapin' from the mabeasts, so it's normal for this kinda thing to happen. Hence, this isn't the time to look for the culprit. We should think of another way to deal with the situation, because the current one is clearly not gonna work."

"Miss, Mimi already thought of somethin'." Regaining her determined and lively gaze, Mimi claimed to have thought of a way for them to escape. Pointing with her index finger at the room that had just been demolished by her attack, Mimi continued. "Mimi's scream opened a gap under that room. The debris partially covered it, leavin' barely a space to hide inside. So hide there while Mimi takes care of getting' the attention of the beasts. Wait for a few minutes and escape in direction towards the exit of the inn, thus you can get to the bunker."

"Mimi..." Reluctantly, Anastasia called out to the girl, but stopped before saying more. The plan, while far from perfect, seemed like the best option they had on hand. If Mimi took it upon herself to lure the beasts that had been chasing them nonstop, there really was a chance of finally fleeing to the bunker. However, Subaru could understand the girl's reluctance.

"Don't worry, miss. Mimi will surround these rooms and go back to Tivey and Hetaro. Together, Mimi's sure that we can stop the mabeasts. Once we do it, we'll return to protect you, I assure you." Taking her hand to her heart, Mimi pledged to defeat the beasts and return so she could continue to protect Anastasia. "In the meantime, please take care of the lady, Onii-san." Looking at Subaru, Mimi entrusted him with Anastasia's care.

Feeling lead fall onto his stomach, Subaru forced himself not to show a pathetic gesture at the girl's confidence. "I'll do it, Mimi!" Satisfied by Subaru's answer, Mimi nodded.

"See ya, miss, Onii-san!" Saying goodbye to them, Mimi prepared to raise a scream with which to attract the attention of the beasts, who might be nearby, towards her.

"Take care, Mimi! I look forward to your return with Hetaro and Tivey!" Showing once more a countenance of composure, Anastasia said goodbye to the little girl.

Having finished the makeshift bandage on Subaru's arm, together they approached the hole Mimi had mentioned. Anastasia came in first, followed closely by Subaru. The hole that had formed in the ground was barely enough for both of them to enter, and yet they were still considerably crammed.

Without complaining about the matter, Subaru moved a piece of wood that was nearby and covered the entrance, leaving just a small opening with which he could monitor the situation outside. Then, a loud rumbling was heard and the wait began. One, two, three, four, five minutes. During that time, the only thing that was heard inside the hole was the slight breathing of its two dwellers.

When Subaru felt that the necessary time had finally passed, he slowly moved towards the opening so that he could see what was happening outside. As he did so, he felt his heart skip one, two, and even three beats. With cold sweat forming on his skin, Subaru witnessed the crowd of dozens of mabeasts, lurking outside the collapsed room in which they found themselves.

Just a few feet away from them, there were multiple beasts prepared to kill them. Mimi's plan had failed, the beasts had found them again. And with a terrible sense of despair clouding his mind, Subaru began to pay more attention to the storm of negative thoughts that had been raging in the back of his mind for a long time now.

Both his breathing and his pulse quickened and tears of despair began to form at the corners of his eyes. Had it all been for nothing? He had forced himself to talk about Elsa's attack and Meili's beasts. He had broken the taboo of the shadow and been hideously punished. He had given himself up completely to escape with Anastasia and the triplets. He had agreed to leave the two brothers behind and had entrusted his life to the exhausted little girl. All for nothing?

His teeth gritted from the force he was applying on his jaws. Blood flowed from between her fists, due to the force with which he was digging his nails into the palms of his hands. He felt angry, frustrated, depressed, overwhelmed. Why was nothing going right? Why was nothing going the way he wanted? Could it be that fate, or whatever it was that controlled his life in that world, enjoyed making him suffer so much?

Was his life the amusement of an unknown entity who rejoiced to see him die? Subaru knew that those kinds of thoughts would get him nowhere, but the situation was pushing him to have them more frequently with every second that passed. What used to be a leak, was now a river of pessimism that did not stop increasing, and was close to overflowing his brain.

Subaru remembered Elsa's last words again, before being eaten by the Chimera Beast. "You made the wrong decision", that had been the message that the person, who hired the two assassins, entrusted them to deliver to him before he died. What was the point of that message, if he was going to die anyway? What was the client's goal in getting him tortured? Subaru couldn't understand it, and it frustrated him too much not to, because that could be a valuable hint...

Valuable? Subaru's train of thoughts stopped in its tracks, further clouding his mind. Why was he thinking about it at the time? What would he get out of it? Revenge… That was the answer. Before he even asked to notice it, all the frustration and hatred had been directed towards the true culprit of the pitiful situation in which he found himself.

Something inside him craved revenge on the person that stained the path to his happy ending with pain. Now, regardless of whether he reached it, the scars left by the deaths, but especially the torture, would accompany him for life. And all because of an imbecile who believed he had the right to say which was the right or wrong path that he should take.

Revenge! I need to vent the anger I feel! I need to get revenge! I need to get revenge! I need to get revenge! I need to get revenge! His derailed train of thought completely lost its way. Hate and wrath were blinding his mind, Subaru felt lost in a world of frustration, fear, anger, hatred, horror...

Revenge? How would he get it being so weak? Overwhelmed, Subaru's train of thought derailed again; even more so, if it was possible. The situation had brought out the worst in him. He didn't know how to deal with what was on the outside, and now he couldn't deal with what was on his inside either. He was at a impasse, and now that his mind had been flooded with pessimism, the only remaining conclusion was the one that had always been there for him since he came into that world.

Julius's words and determination had been useless. Anastasia's trust had been useless. The sacrifice of the triplets was futile. The conclusion was the same again. That's how it had been since Subaru suffered the torture. His mind was stagnant, moving in circles, never leaving that quagmire of despair that was his present, his past and his future. Death was the way...

He didn't want to die, he hated the feeling, that's why he wished he could hold onto Julius's words. He wanted to convince himself that death was not the only way, but the feeling had been so etched in his heart during Elsa's torture, that there was nothing he could do to make it disappear. No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, that he was positive and thought that determination could lead him to the right path, in the end, something inside him reminded him that... "Death is the only way."

"Natsuki-kun…" Anastasia's whisper reached his ear, but Subaru decided to ignore it. His mind and heart had already accepted again that only that way remained, so trying to pay attention to the girl would be useless; like water falling into a drain. In the end, Julius had been wrong...

"Julius… Death's the only way." He would start again, there was no other way. Even if it were detrimental to his mental and emotional health, Subaru would end his own life again. He preferred that to becoming food for mabeasts again.

Instinctively, Subaru picked up a piece of wood that had fallen into the hole. Its shape, similar to a stake, would be perfect to fulfill its objective. With an empty gaze, Subaru stared at the multiple, poorly lit wooden spikes protruding from its tip. Twisting his face, he concluded that this would be a worse death than piercing his neck with the edge of a blade.

Robotically, as if his body had been programmed to carry out that action as naturally as breathing, Subaru placed the tip of the stake on his neck. The minimal light from the moon that came through the small opening, that allowed him to look outside the hole, was insufficient to see clearly inside it. So hopefully Anastasia wouldn't witness too much of his suicide.

Leaving her alone in the midst of all those mabeasts, was already an incredibly cruel and selfish action. His heart felt heavy as he realized that he had been ignoring that fact, but that was not enough to stop what he was about to do. Once he returned to the earth dragon carriage, he could endeavor to pay for the sin he was about to commit. Once dead, he could start from scratch and wipe the traces of his previous failure with his bloodstained hands. He inhaled and exhaled, and then pressed the stake against his neck...

"Natsuki-kun!" Before the wood pierced his throat and choked him with gallons of his own blood, Anastasia realized what was happening and pushed the tip of the stake. The piece of wood, due to the impulse that Subaru had applied to it, fell to the bottom of the hole, far from Subaru's reach.

"Ahh?" Exclaiming stupidly, Subaru took a couple of seconds to comprehend that his suicide attempt had once again been thwarted. With his thoughts adrift, Anastasia took him by one of his arms and pulled him close to her, hugging him. That was not an out-of-place gesture of affection from the girl, but her pathetic attempt to prevent him from using his arms again to try to end his life. I could still bite my tongue if I wanted to, he thought...

"Natsuki-kun, why?!" But Anastasia's obfuscated whispers robbed him of the drive to carry out the action. "Until a moment ago ya were talkin' about respectin' Tivey and Hetaro's determination and continuin' to escape! Ya saved me and fought to escape from the mabeast that attacked ya! What happened to that determination, Natsuki-kun?!" Struggling not to raise her voice too high, Anastasia desperately questioned him.

"Look outside..." Without intending to argue with her, Subaru indicated that behind the opening was the reason for his actions. Anastasia didn't move. Maybe he couldn't see her face, but Subaru was sure that the reason why she hadn't done it, was because she thought he would try to kill herself again if she let go of her grip. "I won't do anything. I swear..." After hesitating for a moment, Anastasia moved slowly, approaching the opening without letting go of Subaru's shirt. As she did so, thanks to the filtered light, he could see the look of complete despair that was drawn on the girl's face. "There's nothing we can do anymore, we're finished."

"S-Still…" Hesitant, Anastasia answered him as she returned to his side. "Natsuki-kun, we'll gain nothin' if you die. I'll be left alone and ya'll have no life to fight for. So what do ya achieve by givin' up before tryin'?" From the tone of her voice, it was obvious that even she wasn't convinced of the strength of her words.

"Death is the way..." Like a broken-down tape deck, he repeated the phrase that he had spoken the most that day.

"What are ya talkin' about, Natsuki-kun? From what I heard, ya said the same thing to Julius. Didn't he save ya from a suicide attempt? Didn't he talk some sense into ya? So why do ya insist on this insanity that death is the way? " Anastasia insisted, moving closer to him, to the point where their breaths mingled. Inasmuch as that was the only way to carry on that conversation, without ending in the jaws of one of the beasts.

"He talk some sense into me…? As I already told Julius, you just wouldn't understand." Anastasia seemed willing to ask for an explanation, but Subaru stopped her before the words came from her lips. "I can't explain it to you either, or it would end very badly..." Clenching his chest, he remembered the shadow's torture.

"Ya're bein' quite uncooperative, Natsuki-kun… I just wanna help ya." Forlorn, Anastasia pressed her forehead against one of Subaru's shoulders. She, like him, was at her limit; the situation was too strenuous for both of them.

"I know it... Anastasia, I'd like to help you too. If there was a way to escape from here with the two of us alive, I would've already taken that path without hesitation. But there's nothing we can do anymore. You're an intelligent woman, so I'm sure you're aware of it. " In a change of roles, he was now the one trying to convince her. But instead of giving up and accepting his words, Anastasia pulled away from him like a spring and took his hands; the heat of her body spreading through Subaru's fingers.

"And will surrenderin' solve anythin'?! Natsuki-kun, while there's still a bit of life left in our bodies, we must go on. You said so yourself, when you stated that we should respect T-Tivey and Hetaro's will by running away! Now apply the same with M-Mimi! If you kill yourself, you'd be disregardin' her determination to give us a chance to escape! " Stuttering slightly, Anastasia recalled the triplets' determination to save their lives.

"But that doesn't change that we won't be able to get out of…"

"Since I was born, I found myself at a disadvantage." Refusing to listen to Subaru's negative comments, Anastasia continued. "I was born into a poor family and was orphaned as a little gal. I'd to earn a name, a name that I decided on for myself. I also had to earn a surname, a surname that I also decided on for myself. I was born with nothin' and I always refused to accept that there was nothin' I'd do about it. I wanted to live well, I wanted to get away from the streets... I wanna have everythin' that life denied me from birth, I wanna have everythin' that my hands can reach. And I don't intend to give up halfway through! I still have a long way to go, Natsuki-kun. I still haven't managed to win the Royal Selection and we still haven't managed to make the Reinvention Project a success. Didn't you say we'd make it a success together, Natsuki-kun? If you die, that will be impossible…"

"Anastasia, I…" His heart began to beat faster and faster, but not out of fear, and his mind started to clear.

"Natsuki-kun, the first and only belongin' we're born with is our own life, so we must value it above everythin' else. The first step to bein' able to own everythin', begins with valuing one's own life. For a greedy gal like me, seein' someone amazin' like ya, in whom I've placed so many expectations, decidin' to waste it by committin' suicide, is almost like an offence. If ya were to end your life, ya'd be defiling my expectations, Julius' and many others'. Didn't ya say ya'd repay the favor I granted ya and your partners durin' the negotiations, and that ya'd live up to my expectations?"

"But I never asked anyone to place such high expectations on me!" Feeling extremely frustrated, Subaru tried to block Anastasia's words by shaking his head, but she wouldn't let him.

"Ya really did, Natsuki-kun. Through your determination and hard work. Ya fought for the expectations we now have placed on ya, so ya can't pretend to ignore what ya did in the past just because ya wanna give up. There's no way my opinion of who ya've been up to now will change, Natsuki-kun. Only by changing the past, and that isn't possible."

"Hnk!" Choking on his own words, Subaru felt more and more cornered by Anastasia's words of support.

"So honor that determination ya've shown throughout your time in Lugunica. If ya are where ya are, it's because a great desire moves ya; even if it's unknown to everyone around ya. So fight to stay alive until the end and strive for all that ya desire. And show the determination necessary to achieve it!"

"But there's no point in fighting anymore! Mimi, Hetaro, Julius, Ricardo... We left them behind to cover our escape and nothing has changed. The mabeasts have us surrounded and we can't do anything to escape on our own..." Ducking his head, Subaru insisted that there was nothing left to do.

"And by endin' your life ya'll only tarnish the efforts of all of them! I refuse to think that their determination has been in vain. I'm sure they're out there, fightin' to give us a chance; that's how my trustworthy employees are. So we must stand firm, Natsuki-kun. Ya can't let your head drop because of the losses; and I know that I'm not the best person to say it, since I was hesitant to leave them behind, too… But we've to accept that we cannot do anythin' to help them; at least not right now. We who're non-combatants must focus on supportin' our comrades as much as we can and staying alive. That's the least we can do for them. Because no matter how much we want to, we can never fully embrace everythin'… So don't give up, Natsuki-kun. Let's fight to survive. Let's honor the efforts of those who stayed behind for us, survive this day, and reach our goals together!"

Squeezing his hand, Anastasia almost begged him not to give up. And Subaru, who had already exhausted his pessimistic counterarguments, could not help but admire the brightness of Anastasia's determined gaze, whose face was being illuminated by the light that filtered through the opening. With his body hot, to the point of almost boiling, and his heart pounding, Subaru couldn't think of anything other than Anastasia and her admirable determination.

With her tired breath hitting his face, Subaru felt the need to close the space between them. After all Anastasia had said, that was the only answer he felt capable to give her. She, the girl who had paved the way for his happy ending. She, the girl who had not abandoned him in any of his most pathetic moments. She, the girl who refused to let him give up and die.

How could he end his own life and leave her at the mercy of the beasts? Even if he returned, he did not feel capable of committing such a cowardly act. So, once again, the path of his death had been closed. And he didn't feel capable of taking it again while he still had something to fight for. He would finally commit to fully embracing the new promise, now more strongly than ever; repeating what happened with Emilia was definitely no longer an option. He would have to get up on his two feet and live up to the new promise.