Re; Exhaustion and Helplessness

Five Months and One Week since the Last Death (Nine Deaths)

As the carriage moved through the main streets of the capital of Lugunica, which shared the country's name, Subaru's gaze was drawn to the masses of people fluctuating among the sidewalk stalls. What had initially caught his attention had been the number of people crowded in one spot, but then something else did.

Multiple glass jars containing some kind of whitish emulsion were neatly arranged on the edge of one of the most crowded stalls. In front of the jars, a desperate clientele was struggling to get hold of one of these jars whose stock, due to the enormous demand, was rapidly depleting.

Dumbfounded, Subaru watched intently as a woman took the purse that was hanging from her shoulder, and used it to hit hard a guy who seemed willing to take the same jar she was about to acquire. The man, annoyed, swore at the woman, and then walked away from her, ranting; even so, he did not seem willing to give up in his quest to get one of the jars, as he nimbly went around the crowd and approached the stall again, but now from another flank.

Whether or not the hapless fellow finally got his coveted treasure, the truth is that Subaru was never able to find out the answer, since the carriage continued on its course, leaving behind the stall crowded by a crazed clientele. Sighing, Subaru gently grasped one of his arms; the night before he had received the weekly treatment for the constant infections caused by the splinters, so there was no longer any sign of visible inflammation in them.

With his eyes fixed on his arms eternally wrapped in cloth bandages, Subaru reflected on what he had just witnessed. Now that he had seen it with his own eyes, there was no longer any possibility of dismissing Julius' words as an exaggeration. Indeed, his reinvented products were causing a huge stir among the people of Lugunica; but after what he had just seen, he wasn't sure he could claim to be satisfied with it.

And the dispute between the woman with the purse and the poor fellow, over the bottle containing the whitish emulsion, was not the only one he had witnessed along the route. He had also come to see two ladies quarreling over the purchase of one of his lighters, and two elderly men arguing over who should get the last blender available at one of the stalls.

All three were inventions, or rather reinventions of his own. And the first one was a jar of mayonnaise; one of his first successful reinventions. Subaru knew the sauce recipe like the back of his hand, and in his pursuit to feel closer to his parents and his home, Subaru had decided to find a way to remake mayonnaise with the ingredients available in that world.

In the end he was forced to alter the recipe quite a bit due to the absence of ingredients that apparently only existed in his world, but where others would have failed, he had succeeded. He had found a way to emulate mayonnaise at a time when he was stuck in a rough patch where neither Leith nor he could find a way to bring any of his ideas to life, so that small success had been enough to keep him from abandoning his goal prematurely.

One could say he found himself there largely because of the mayonnaise, an acquired taste due to his parents, and this made him extremely nostalgic. When he reinvented the mayonnaise, he didn't do it thinking of commercializing it, he simply wanted to have something with him that would reconnect him with his world and his parents. Besides, Leith didn't like the taste of it, so for a long time he refrained from putting it on the market. It was Otto, a converted lover of that sauce from his world, who convinced him to sell it.

At first it did not sell well due to people's reluctance to try something so foreign and exotic compared to what they usually consumed. However, Otto managed to convince several people to accept a jar of mayonnaise as a bonus for the purchase of their other products. Soon, more and more customers interested in the foreign and exotic sauce began to appear.

Back then, its mayonnaise enjoyed moderate fame. It can even be said that it was one of their star products along with the lighter. And so Subaru decided to add more of his country's recipes to the list of products to be reinvented; a list that he had to greatly modify when he traveled to Kararagi and discovered that Hoshin of the Wilderness had already come up with the same idea hundreds of years earlier.

Even so, the popularity that the foreign sauce possessed at the time before the birth of Reinvention Project could never compare to what it now boasted. Although the same could be said of all the products in the Hoshin Company's brand of reinvented artifacts. His reinventions, as Julius had said, were influencing the daily lives of the people of Lugunica, and it was inevitable that Subaru would not be anxious to witness what it would all lead to.

"I just hope I haven't started the end of a relatively stable society..." Subaru muttered, his gaze still fixed on his arm.

"… Natsuki-kun, are ya listenin' to me?" It was then that his ear caught a distant sound; as if someone was talking to him from a great distance. Blinking rapidly, Subaru turned towards the source of the sound, thus finding himself face to face with Anastasia. "Is somethin' the matter, Natsuki-kun?"

Finally, Subaru remembered where he was, so he shook his head slightly and forced a smile back at his companion. "N-No, it's nothing… It's just that… No…? Sorry, I guess I was daydreaming and didn't hear you, were you saying something to me?"

"Hmm... Nothin' too important. I was just askin' ya about your opinion regardin' what's going on in the Lugunica marketplaces. It's the first time ya've left my mansion since we returned from Kararagi, after all."

Subaru stared at the girl, in total silence, as he processed the words he had just heard. What Anastasia said was true. Since they returned from the second trip to Kararagi, in which the transfer of part of the Hoshin Company to Lugunica took place, Subaru had not left the mansion again; not even to meet Otto and Leith, whom he now used to see at Anastasia's mansion by unanimous decision of the three of them and Anastasia herself.

"Hmm…" After thinking about it for a moment, Subaru finally found the words with which to respond to his boss. "It's astonishing... When Leith, Otto and I worked reinventing and trading the objects from my world, I never even imagined that they could become so popular. Sure, back then we were limited by what Leith and I could create in the workshop, but still… Astonishing, that's all I can say. So thank you, Anastasia; if it weren't for you, my creations would probably never have been positioned so well in the Lugunica market."

"What are ya talkin' 'bout, Natsuki-kun? I didn't do a thing." Subaru looked at the girl strangely, unable to understand what she was saying. Anastasia, realizing what was going through Subaru's mind from her expression, moved slightly closer to him. They were both sitting across from each other, so for a moment Subaru was able to feel Anastasia's warm breath caressing his face. "I, or rather, the Hoshin Company, did nothin' more than increase the production capacity of your artifacts. I'm sure that, back then, if Hendar-kun and ya had the necessary resources, ya'd have achieved the same amount of success as we do now."

"Without the support of your company, I don't think that would've been possible..." Subaru argued, turning his face slightly away from hers.

"Hmm… Did I make you nervous?" She asked then, noticing Subaru's reaction, momentarily putting aside the conversation they were having.

"I-It's not that... It's just that..." Unable to respond to the girl's question, Subaru forced himself to come up with an answer that wouldn't leave him in a bad light in front of his boss.

"Heh, heh, heh... I'm just messin' with ya." Anastasia then drew back, leaning back against the cushioned surface of the carriage seat. "I'm sorry if I made ya uncomfortable, it's just that lately ya've been so withdrawn..." The girl paused, realizing what she was saying, so she proceeded to correct herself. "What am I talkin' about? Ya always have been. Just forget 'bout it, okay? I apologize for invadin' your personal space... in more ways than one. My policy has always been not to pry into my employees' personal lives, and that's the way I want it to stay."

As would have been expected, an awkward silence settled between the two of them. How long had it been since he had talked to her about anything other than work? Subaru wasn't entirely sure, but if his calculations didn't fail him, the last time he did was the day he found out about Crusch Karsten's disappearance. Since then he began to occupy his time only in training with Julius, in creating new designs, in improving the old ones, and in spontaneous meetings with Otto and Leith, strictly related to the Reinvention Project.

He had never spent much time bonding with Anastasia, but now he was doing it less than ever. And to his surprise, she seemed concerned about him. Subaru had never seen Anastasia Hoshin so insecure about anything, and that something was how to properly handle him. And she wasn't lying; since they had met, she had never confronted him about anything that had transpired subsequent to the signing of their contract.

She never questioned him about what happened with Meili, never broached the subject of his knowledge about what happened in Priestella, never inquired him about what happened in Kyo. Even after everything that had taken place since their association, Anastasia never made the decision to face him about the events that took place, thus choosing to let time settle the matter, or let him decide to open up about it himself.

But neither occurred. Subaru was increasingly carrying more emotional weight, but that had not been enough to lead him to open up; quite the contrary. Withdrawing into that which he considered necessary to achieve his goals was the only answer he had come up with. And Anastasia, after almost a year of knowing him, was finally beginning to truly fear for Subaru's sanity.

Her logic as a merchant told her that it was best not to interfere in his life, to let him resolve his conflicts by himself. However, as time went on and Subaru got worse, the greater her need to ignore that logic and force him to talk to her about what he really felt, to force him to talk to her about what was tormenting him to the point of eating him up from within.

Was it what led him to suffer panic attacks in Priestella? His blessing? Was it the murder of the assassin girl? Was it what happened in the Kyo metropolitan area? The answer was probably all of these, and more. There were also the scars on his arms that he concealed so warily, and the splinters that he, to Anastasia's complete lack of understanding, had deliberately decided to leave in there.

The latter even had been extremely disturbing to her, to the point where Anastasia had actually wanted to question Subaru upon learning that he had made the decision to leave hundreds of splinters buried in his skin. Though she had ultimately refrained from doing so due to her own policy; after all, she had experienced something similar with him before. In Priestella, it took Subaru himself deciding to speak up to reveal some of what was tormenting him. Asking him about it before he felt ready to talk about it had proven futile, so there was no reason for Anastasia to press him for an explanation.

"He's productive, upsetting him could backfire"; that's what she had told Julius a time when he had questioned her regarding it. But now that she had seen time pass, and along with it the increase in Subaru's deterioration, Anastasia felt more and more anxious to confront him regarding everything she had let transpire in complete silence. She could no longer ignore it; she could no longer be so negligent...

Yet, Anastasia was overwhelmed by the enormous challenge of coaxing Subaru Natsuki to open up to her; she simply didn't know how to approach him and get him to feel comfortable enough with her to reveal aspects of him that he had jealously withheld. And even though she was an expert merchant, and therefore really good with words, she was unable to figure out how to deal with someone as deranged as Subaru.

"Anastasia… If you have something to say, just say it; I won't be bothered." Subaru prompted her, noticing the girl's strange behavior. She was concerned about his behavior, of that there was no doubt. She didn't express disgust when she heard about what happened with Meili, nor did she mention anything about his stupid decision to leave the splinters buried in his arms; perhaps her patience had simply run out.

"How've ya been?" But what came out of Anastasia's mouth was not what he had expected.

"Huh?" He exclaimed, idiotically.

"Yes... How have ya been, Natsuki-kun? Have ya enjoyed your time in my mansion, in my mansions...? It's been months since you started travelin' with us, and it seems that the journey just doesn't end, does it? After all that ya've been through, both in Priestella and Kyo, ya've been forced to stay with my faction, rather than with your mates. So I wanted to know, how've ya been?" Although she strayed slightly in the process, Anastasia was finally able to formulate the question she wanted to ask him.

Was it all? Subaru wondered, confused. No, there was definitely something else that Anastasia hadn't dared to question him about, but for the moment that was all she had been able to externalize. With that in mind, Subaru understood that the least he could do for her was to answer her question sincerely.

"If you're asking what my time together with you and the rest of your faction has been like, then the answer would be that, despite everything that has happened, I've had a good time." Without the slightest hint of hesitation, Subaru gave the girl the answer she was waiting for. "And honestly, it'd be an affront if I said otherwise. You've been extremely tolerant towards me and my... eccentricities. You've allowed me to stay in two of your mansions despite all the trouble I've caused, and you've also placed personal escorts to protect me. I think it would be very ungrateful of me to deny that I'm doing well with-"

"No need to be so condescendin' to me, Natsuki-kun." Anastasia stated, interrupting his speech. The girl analyzed him with her beautiful eyes for a brief period of time before continuing. "It's true that I've sought yer welfare as much as possible, but that's only the expected thing to do when it comes to takin' care of somethin' valuable. Isn't that right, Natsuki-kun? One takes care of that which has value and discards that which doesn't. It's a very simple logic, a logic strictly rooted in business. And that's how I conduct myself. So ya don't need to treat me like I'm some kinda altruistic noblewoman."

"What are you getting at, Anastasia?" Subaru questioned her, frowning slightly.

"That ya aren't bein' completely honest just to humor me, Natsuki-kun."

"You're wrong, I ain't-"

"Ya ain't lyin'?" she asked before he could finish speaking. "Maybe not entirely... It's true that I've gone out of my way to make ya comfortable under my roof, but that doesn't mean I've created an environment in which ya're thriving. Or are we now gonna ignore that ya rarely leave your room? Are we gonna disregard that till recently ya were pulling all-nighters, and now ya're only sleepin' 'cause yer current routine leaves ya completely exhausted? And I wanna make it clear that I ain't displeased that ya're now trainin' with Julius. In fact, I think it's a good thing; at least this way ya don't spend as much time just workin' on your designs as ya used to."

"But isn't that what you wanted?!" Subaru exclaimed, letting his pent-up frustration get the better of him. "I did it all to pay back what I owe you, to prove that I can be of use! And now you're telling me it wasn't necessary?!" Startled, Subaru clenched his left forearm tightly, causing blood to begin to stain the bandages covering it.

"Subaru..." She spoke, without losing her characteristic calmness. Subaru at that moment, due to his troubled mood, did not realize that that had been the first time Anastasia had called him by his name. "There's the rub. I never asked ya to entirely submit yerself to the development of new designs. Haven't ya noticed that ya create new designs faster than the company's able to process 'em? We currently only have ten artifacts and two edibles on the market, and ya've created almost two hundred in total in the past few months... Natsuki-kun, ya don't need to overexert yourself like that."

"But if I don't..." Subaru, visibly shaken, gripped his arm tighter and tighter. If what Anastasia was saying was true... then should he slow down the pace of work he had been sustaining all this time? If he was of no use even creating drafts, then it would be like having to start from scratch.

"Natsuki-kun, I think that's enough, don't ya agree?" Suddenly, Anastasia's dainty hand appeared in his field of vision. The girl placed her palm on Subaru's left arm, thus urging him to let go of his other arm, which was beginning to drip blood on the seat of the carriage.

Subaru then stopped clenching his arm and, after an awkward silence, dared to speak again. "You don't want me to keep developing designs anymore?" He asked, without looking up.

"That's not what I meant, Natsuki-kun. Ya don't have to be so drastic…" The girl then pulled her hand away from him, releasing a weary sigh. "Just tone down your work pace, okay? As I've made clear on more than one occasion, ya're quite valuable to me and my company, and it'd be a shame if your health deteriorated to the point where ya couldn't continue workin' because ya pushed yourself too hard... And that's exactly what I meant when I asked ya how ya've been. No matter how hard I've tried to make ya feel at ease, it seems that nothin' has been of any use. Ya keep isolatin' yourself in your room, ya keep showin' terrible symptoms of burnout due to your tendency to overexert yourself, your workaholism and lack of sleep, and ya keep actin' like ya owe me somethin'."

"But I do... I owe you a lot." At Anastasia's words, Subaru finally raised his gaze, thus meeting the beautiful face of the woman who had helped him so much. "If it weren't for you, I might never have gotten anywhere near my goal. If not for you, I may never have found my worth... That's why I can't stop squeezing out my memories, I need to continue being useful to you. I need to leave the weak and useless me behind, that's why I simply can't stop pushing myself."

"Natsuki-kun, ya don't owe me anythin'. We've a contract, remember? I provide ya with my company's resources and ya in return keep comin' up with those innovative artifacts of yours. And I can assure ya that ya've more than held up your end of the deal." Even after everything she had told him, Subaru seemed ready to refute her, so Anastasia pointed to his bloody arm and continued speaking. "And that's not all. Besides, if it weren't for ya, it's possible that I, or even several of my employees, would've died. Ya're a great help in Priestella, and in Kyo ya dealt almost single-handedly with the woman who attacked ya in the metropolitan area; even though it was my job to keep ya out of harm's way."

"But those attacks happened because I was there in the first place." Subaru didn't seem willing to listen to anything Anastasia voiced to him, he was simply too stubborn. Beginning to feel rather frustrated, the candidate for the throne of Lugunica decided to slightly change her approach on the matter.

"And if indeed someone bothered to send assassins after ya, then it's proof that ya're someone extremely valuable, wouldn't ya say…? Ya've enormous value, Natsuki-kun, so there's no way that relaxin' a bit and slightly slackenin' the pace of work is gonna make ya useless and worthless, as ya imply..." Anastasia could tell that Subaru was still unconvinced of her words, so she slightly re-positioned her body and looked towards the carriage window, behind which was the moving panorama of the streets of Lugunica. "There's also your Divine Protection, Natsuki-kun. Ya said it only activates when ya're in danger, didn't ya?"

"Y-Yeah…" Replied Subaru, hesitant.

"That certainly explains your condition when we entered Priestella, and it also explains why ya found it so hard to talk about it... Ya were in shock, there's no doubt 'bout it... So ya don't have to be so harsh on yerself."

"What do you mean?" Subaru asked him, flinching lightly.

"Natsuki-kun, I already told ya... If I am where I am, it's because I've learned to judge people very well. And from the beginnin' I'd see in your gaze all the guilt ya carry; and it's not like ya were hidin' it very well either... The truth's that I know almost nothin' about your past, so I can't take the liberty to assume too much, but it's clear to me that ya carry the burden of not havin' prevented the attack in Priestella from takin' place. Maybe I'd have talked to ya about it sooner, but I guess it's better late than never." The girl looked him straight in the eye, in complete earnestness. "Ya aren't to blame for anythin', neither is it your responsibility to protect my employees. Natsuki-kun, ya aren't a knight, nor a soldier, nor a mercenary. And no one expects ya to behave like one. What ya're is a genius, someone without equal; a visionary. And I know that ya think ya aren't, I know that ya think that everythin' ya possess was stolen from geniuses from the place where ya come from; I know that ya conceal information from me regardin' your past... Likewise, I know that ya're withholdin' information from me about your Divine Protection, that ya haven't told me everythin' about it. However, that doesn't bother me. Ya're free to talk to me 'bout it all when ya feel up to it, I'll be there to listen to ya when that time comes. Before that, I just want ya to know that ya really don't need to demand so much of yerself, and that yer health's also just as important..."

"Anastasia..." Subaru had at last been rendered speechless, and not because he completely accepted Anastasia's arguments, but because her words had really sunk into him. Subaru knew he was not utterly alone; it was just that he sometimes came to forget it.

"So I hope ya get more rest from now on. Also, it'd be nice if ya'd join me for breakfast. Ever since the Reinvention Project was inaugurated, I find myself havin' to eat breakfast a little later than usual, and the truth is that I'm usually a little lonely in the dinin' room in the mornings. I'm glad ya've managed to get some sleep lately though, so there's really no need for ya to take me too seriously; sleep as much as ya need."

"Anastasia..." Subaru repeated.

"Yeah?"

"I've been very tired." It was then that Subaru finally resolved to come completely clean; or at least as much as possible. That was the real answer to the question Anastasia had initially posed to him, no longer would he pretend that everything was fine, no longer would he shy away from the pathetic situation he found himself in. "Ever since I came here, and I mean this... this country... Ever since I arrived in Lugunica, I feel that I've done nothing but turn my back on the people who've needed me; and I've done so simply because I've never been enough. I'm weak and resourceless; even if you may believe otherwise. And if it weren't for the knowledge I brought with me, I certainly would've died a long time ago; and to be honest, sometimes I wish I truly had." Subaru paused to pay attention to Anastasia's reaction, and noticing that she didn't seem willing to interrupt him, he proceeded with what he was saying. "You claim that I don't need to save anyone's life, that it's not my responsibility and that no one expects that of me; but I just can't seem to be content with that answer. I want to be able to keep at least you, who gave me a hand when I so desperately needed it, from getting hurt; the same with Mimi and her brothers, who like you, have always been there when I've needed them. I've to make sure that nothing prevents me from reaching my goal. And so I have to keep going forward, I just can't give up... But I'm tired... So tired..."

Anastasia took a close look at Subaru. It was clear that he was omitting a lot when expressing himself, as if he was trying hard not to reveal too much, as if he was afraid to overspeak. Anastasia was not yet able to understand the reason behind this, but taking into consideration that everyone possesses their own secrets, that this is part of the human nature, she could not judge him for concealing what could very well be sensitive information for him. The young businesswoman realized that the conversation had already gone as far as it could go, and that continuing would only hurt Subaru, so she decided to end it once and for all.

"In that case, ya keep on endeavorin'." Subaru, surprised by Anastasia's response, looked at her with wide open eyes without uttering a word. "Strive as much as ya deem necessary to achieve that which ya so long for, don't give up." Unable to gesticulate a word, Subaru was only able to express himself through another session of self-flagellation, thus returning to constricting his bruised arm. But before he could hurt his right arm any further, Anastasia concluded her statement. "But before ya do so, take a break; that's an order. As your boss, I order ya to rest for at least a couple of weeks. After that, ya can keep pushin' yourself as hard as ya want, but I hope that by the time ya get back to it, ya'll have learned to manage your work schedule better. If ya're lookin' for results, then ya need a healthier work pace. The one ya currently have is no different than that of a slave, and I think ya're well aware that I'm against slavery; after all, a devoted and healthy employee is more productive than one who isn't."

"So I can finally rest?" Subaru asked, as if he didn't quite believe what he was hearing. Of course, he could simply ignore her and go about his current daily routine, however, Anastasia was convinced that Subaru really needed to hear that from her.

"Yes. I'm hopin' that now that ya'll have your schedule cleared, ya'll finally be able to attend the mornin' meetings again." With a playful smile, Anastasia finally put the matter to rest. It was clear that there was still much to be delved into, but for the moment she would have to be content with that.

Overwhelmed, Subaru glanced down at his bleeding arm. Would Anastasia's words be enough to help him out of the downward spiral he was in? Since the day he had handed over the fate of Emilia, Felt and Old Man Rom to the current Saint of the Sword, Subaru had done nothing but despise his pathetic weakness, his inability to solve anything on his own, his inability to prevent the death of the girl who reached out to help him when no one else would...

The answer was no, and to believe otherwise would be foolish naivety. No matter how much he cherished her, Anastasia could not erase the traumas caused by all the sorrows he had endured since arriving in that world. After all, his self-loathing had grown as his failures piled up. Victory at Priestella? His mental weakness prevented him from saving dozens of innocent lives and with his own hands he took the life of a little girl; could that be considered a victory?

Victory at Kyo? He was forced to give in to the unpleasant feelings welling up inside him, thus claiming another life and proving to himself that he would need to keep breaking his own moral rules if he planned to achieve his goals. This latter caused him to find it necessary, despite his discontent about it, to reinvent something close to a firearm.

But he was not so foolish as to believe that a makeshift weapon would be enough to stand against the forces lurking in that world. The weapon would be a measure of self-defense in extreme cases, but he could not be satisfied with that. So he had begun training with Julius, naively hoping to gain the skill necessary to at least protect himself and those around him; but once again, the progress he had made was mediocre. He was falling short in a world that undoubtedly inflicted punishment on the weak.

And that lack of satisfactory results had only prompted him to become further obsessed with the only thing he was useful at; drawing sketches based on the memories swarming around in his head. He had to train more, create more designs, try harder, work harder, push himself more, exert himself more... After months of living under that mentality, his body and mind were simply no longer able to keep up; he was worn out, exhausted, he was actually starting to wish he had really died when Elsa's knife sliced through his abdomen; that he had ceased to exist completely... He definitely needed a break.

"I guess I can take a rest for a couple of weeks…" He finally mumbled, causing Anastasia to smile at him with genuine contentment.

"Glad to hear it!" She proclaimed, clasping her palms together again, then exclaiming almost immediately afterward. "I almost forgot! In a few weeks will be the anniversary of the signin' of the agreement between the Reinvention Association and the Hoshin Company. Shall we, as heads of both organizations, celebrate it together? I know a good restaurant near the mansion that ya might like. Besides, I feel it'd do ya good to come out more often..."

He felt utterly exhausted; that would be the best way to describe the outcome of his sojourn with Anastasia's faction, but still he could not deny that he had come to appreciate her as much as her other employees. Mimi, the little girl whom, after all that had transpired, he now loved almost like the little sister he never had. Tivey, who, despite his size, made him feel safe when he was around. Hetaro, the boy he admired for his gigantic determination and courage. Ricardo, the friendly beast-man who never looked at him like he was broken. Julius, the knight who constantly kept him from looking down in defeat and helped him even when it was not worth doing so. And of course Anastasia who, even though she claimed to act only with her and her company's interests in mind, had become one of his main emotional pillars, because she has always been there for him when he needed her.

"Yeah, I'd like to!" Subaru replied, not realizing that his face now was tear-stained. Yes, if it was an order from his kind boss, he could afford to spare a few days' rest.