A "Nostalgic" Stroll

Five Months and One Week since the Last Death (Nine Deaths)

With a slight jolt, which none of its occupants noticed, the luxurious carriage of the finest wood came to a halt in front of a large golden gate. A burly, grumpy-looking fellow, who was guarding the gate, slowly approached the carriage. The guard looked carefully at the carriage driver and his companion, both of whom returned his gaze with a salute.

A simple nod of the head, denoting disinterest, was the gesture with which the guard greeted the driver and the co-driver back, a signal that was interpreted by them as indicating that everything was in order. The grumpy guard, having identified the visitors, approached the golden gate and motioned to the guard behind the threshold to open it.

The two sections of the gate were then divided, thus finally giving way to the waiting carriage. The driver consequently signaled his beast of burden to resume the ride, whereupon it immediately began to enter the grounds bounded by the golden gate. A luxurious limestone road continued on from the gate, which made it stand out quite a bit in comparison to the less luxurious stone road they had just traveled on.

The albino stone road ran until it reached a huge mansion, in front of which it made a turn forming a kind of roundabout. The mansion located at the end of the road was extremely sumptuous, it was completely painted in white and had golden ornaments in every corner that could be seen. It was then that the carriage could make its final stop in front of the gigantic white mansion.

Accordingly, the driver of the carriage released the reins he held in both hands and climbed down from his seat, leaving his little co-pilot there. With a leap, the man landed on one of the large limestone boulders that formed part of the rocky path. With wide strides, the chariot driver approached the side of the chariot, where he found a door with sublime chiseled details.

Without the slightest hint of hesitation, the man opened the door wide, only to be met by the intelligent gaze of a beautiful maiden. The woman, upon the appearance of her attendant, elegantly reached out her hand. The driver, with a big beastly-looking smile, took the maiden's hand and helped her out of the carriage.

Afterwards, the two of them relaxedly walked towards the entrance of the mansion, where they were greeted by two youthful-looking servants. After a courteous bow by the two servants and a small exchange of words, the four characters finally disappeared behind the threshold of the huge door that served as access to the luxurious mansion.

From his passenger seat, a young man watched carefully as his, until a moment ago, companion entered the mansion and disappeared from sight. Sighing heavily, the young man rested his chin on the palm of his hand and prepared to spend his time gazing out the window parsimoniously. After all, he had a lot to think about, and now that he was alone, it was an excellent time to do so. However, the one who had served as co-pilot had another idea in mind.

"Onii-san!" Flinching, the young man turned away from the window, his gaze fixed on the smiling girl who was now hanging from the window frame. Frowning slightly, the young man pulled himself together and drew closer to the little girl.

"What the hell are you doing, Midge? Do you want to scare me to death?" At the young man's complaint, the girl tilted her head to one side with a gesture of genuine incomprehension.

"Could you die like that?" She asked, after a moment of analytical silence.

The young man rolled his eyes, only to immediately afterward let out a genuine smile. "I suppose not. After all, you're too cute to scare someone to death."

"Heh, heh, heh. Mimi really is super cute, isn't she, Subaru Nii-san?!" The little girl queried, jumping into the passenger compartment.

"You would be more so if you weren't so restless..." Subaru mumbled mockingly, at which the little girl with feline features looked at him with a showy pout.

"What're you sayin', Onii-san! That's one of my great traits!" The little girl complained as she poked him with one of her little fingers. Subaru, to her annoyance, simply laughed at her childish attitude.

Ceasing to laugh, Subaru laid his hand on the little girl's head, and then carefully caressed her. The girl received the stroking in silence, with a slight blush appearing on her cheeks and the top of her ears. Mimi, embarrassed, slowly looked up, hoping to meet the smile that Subaru had been displaying until just a moment ago.

But what she met with was nothing more than a corrupted version of this. A broken smile lay on the pale face of the young man, whose expression now expressed nothing but agony. What had happened to cause such an expression on him, who until only a moment ago had been smiling so naturally? Mimi was not sure exactly what, but she was certain that his mind had something to do with it.

Subaru's mind was broken, as was his spirit. And pitifully it was not uncommon for an expression of complete melancholy to seep onto his face when he was careless; after all, keeping up his facade all the time was simply not possible for him. He was weak, there was no doubt about it. Weak physically, emotionally and mentally. Mimi didn't know what he was thinking at the time, but she could get an idea...

Showing determination, the girl smoothly drew away from Subaru and jumped out of the carriage. And when Subaru realized it, his hand was floating above nothingness. Confirming that he was alone, Subaru repeatedly slapped his cheeks, forcing himself back to the reality from which he had been absent for only a few seconds. He really had a lot to think about, but with Mimi around that was not an option; he would have to wait until he found himself alone in his room.

Subaru was repositioning himself in one of the long seats that made up the passenger cabin when he heard one of the carriage doors open. It was Mimi, which was no surprise to him. Subaru shifted slightly to the side, indicating to the girl that she could sit next to him, patting the space he had just left vacated.

Sure, she could sit in the seat where Anastasia had been sitting until a few minutes ago, but Subaru knew Mimi well enough to know that she would prefer to sit next to him; that way she could hang onto his shoulder if she thought it was to her liking, after all. Contrary to his expectations, however, the girl did not sit where he had indicated. In fact, she did not sit at all, nor did she even get into the carriage.

"Is something wrong, Mimi?" He asked, fearing that something might have happened. But the girl, to his relief, smiled at him as energetically as ever before answering him.

"Nope! Mimi was talkin' to one of the mansion's servants, that's all." The girl still insisted on not entering the carriage, which was confusing Subaru more and more.

"You're talking to one of the servants? To what end?" What could Mimi be looking for by exchanging words with one of the mansion's servants? Had she perhaps gone to bother him? If that was the case, it could be that both she and he would get into trouble.

"Mimi asked him to take the carriage and the earth dragon to the stables; that's all."

"To take the carriage and the earth dragon to the stables? But...?"

"Let's go, Onii-san! You've over a month of not leavin' the mansion!" The girl then finally entered the carriage, but not to sit beside him and keep him company, but to drag him out of it.

"Go? Where? Mimi, we should rather stay here and avoid causing trouble." Subaru objected, refusing to comply with the girl's wishes. After all, Anastasia could return at any moment, and it would be wrong for them not to be there when that happened.

Anastasia was in the middle of a meeting with Russell Fellow, the leader of the Merchant Guild. And the reason he hadn't accompanied her was that it had nothing to do with Reinvention Project. No, the meeting pertained to a deal Anastasia had made with the man, which involved the loan of a large number of resources, such as weapons, dragon carriages and rations, for the hunt that had taken place months ago; the hunt for the White Whale.

Subaru was ignorant of the ins and outs of the matter, and after what had happened with the said hunt, that was the least of his worries. So the meeting had nothing to do with him. Consequently, Mimi had stayed behind to protect him in case anything happened. Still, one had to wonder, then why had he accompanied Anastasia in the first place?

The first and most obvious answer was that they would both be attending the Hoshin Trading Company headquarters in Lugunica, as Subaru, since they had started operations, had not met with the design department as yet. The designers had finished processing the latest designs he had submitted to them, and since he had a huge pile of them waiting in his room, that was not a meeting he could keep postponing.

The second answer, and it was one that Subaru had not realized until now, was to get him out of the mansion. It could even be said that the real objective behind this was the conversation he and Anastasia just had, since it was Anastasia herself who had suggested he accompany her under the pretext that, after she met with Fellow, he could meet with the designers.

And considering that Mimi, contrary to how things usually occurred, had accompanied Ricardo while he was driving, instead of Anastasia and him, it was quite evident that it had all been a plan of his boss to deal with that issue that she had preferred to avoid for so long. And Subaru didn't know how to feel about it...

"Let's go Onii-san! Mimi is sure that the meetin' will take 'bout a couple of hours, so durin' that time we can explore the streets of this area of the nobles' district! Many of the most important people in the kingdom live here, so it'd be safe. Also, there's a market nearby, so we'd go and witness people's reactions to Subaru Nii-san's amazin' inventions up close."

"Mimi... I really don't think it's a good idea..." Subaru really didn't want to take any chances; that short outing from the mansion wasn't supposed to turn into an adventure... But Mimi's expectant and eager gaze was indeed eating away at his determination to refuse. After all, it was to be expected that the little girl would also find herself worried about him, as well as Anastasia; she just wanted to help him... in her own way. "Well, I guess a little walk won't hurt."

After explaining to the guard in charge of overseeing the gate about this little "adventure" of theirs and their prompt return, both Mimi and Subaru began their stroll through the streets of the eastern part of what was known as the high-class area, or the nobles' district, and such. If Lugunica, the capital of the country with the same name, were represented on a relief map, it would stand out at sight that it is built on a wide hill; and that the level of wealth of its population is directly proportional to the height at which they live.

Those with greater affluence build closer to the top of the hill, with the castle standing at its peak, representing the highest social rank in Dragon Kingdom society. Consequently, the underprivileged have found it necessary to make a life on the slopes of the hill, where the dazzling, distant castle serves as a metaphor for how far they are from attaining dignified living conditions.

That stark disparity had been one of the first aspects of that city that Subaru had come to notice. And it was just a preamble to the many social problems that lurked in the Royal Capital. Still, it was easy to forget about it all when traveling the luxurious roads that were part of the high-class district; one that Subaru had grown accustomed to due to his almost permanent sojourn there.

The only time Subaru traveled to the slums of Lugunica was the day it all began, the day he discovered his blessing and curse, the day he turned his back on those who had been the first people he met in that world, the day he failed to keep the promise that bound him to the first person who had helped him...

Since then, Subaru never left the central area of the capital, the site of Leith's home, and therefore the workshop where he began his labors in that world. And this changed again when it began what was supposed to be a brief tour to Priestella. Perhaps had the assassin siege not occurred, Subaru would never have become accustomed to the upper-class lifestyle.

And yet, he enjoyed this lifestyle so little that, given the chance, even if it meant never living in a mansion, Subaru would have given everything he had to not have to go through everything that brought him to the circumstances he now found himself in. After all, living with Anastasia reinforced the unpleasant feeling that he was a nuisance; although the truth was that the same would have been true if he continued to live with Leith.

After all, Subaru was incapable of seeing himself as anything more than a hindrance that was only tolerable because of the information he stole from his world; a nuisance worth enduring as long as he could still produce artifacts of great value. Subaru was actively aware that these thoughts were at least partially wrong, but that would not change how he felt inside, deep within himself.

As long as Subaru was unable to accept himself, the words Anastasia had said to him in the carriage would be nothing more than a drug with a temporary effect. He was indeed very aware of all this. That was why he needed to strive to find that something in him that would actually be of use, something that was genuinely his own, not that of people whose ideas he now found himself half-heartedly imitating. And although he had the Return by Death, in his current state its use simply turned into eternal loops of suffering that only served to tear him further and further apart.

Learning to defend himself and those who, like him, were unable to do so, was another of his goals; which were beginning to pile up one on top of the other, without being reached. If he could find a way to protect his life and stop depending so much on others, then perhaps he could truly begin to appreciate himself, before that it would be very difficult for him to ignore the enormous degree of self-loathing he felt.

Due to his inability to protect himself and prevent others from being harmed by his shortcomings, Subaru now lived with Anastasia as if she were a sickening parasite. And accepting that he had become accustomed to the scenery of the upper-class district did not make him proud, quite the contrary. The Hoshin Trading Company owner's mansion was in the western part of the high-class area, so even the journey from there to the Merchant Guild leader's mansion hadn't entailed leaving that section of the city.

"I certainly am despicable." Subaru instinctively muttered. Even though his contemptible self wasn't worth a gold coin, he was living a fairly comfortable life in the high-class area, while others who worked their whole lives, just like Leith, could barely dream of someday giving their families a better quality of life. "And I wasn't even able to try to prevent all those deaths, even though it was in my power to do so..."

First, he disregarded the lives of those three people whose destinies had become intertwined with his own; he neglected the promise he had professed on his first deathbed. He subsequently decided to ignore all the deaths caused by his cowardice and lack of courage, completely dismissing the consequences of his inaction in Priestella. And the last time other people's lives hung on his decision whether or not to use his ability, Subaru had chosen to turn a deaf ear to the tear in reality caused by the White Whale hunt.

"Onii-san… -ook at tha… -all count…" His ears registered an alien sound, which Subaru didn't pay the slightest attention to due to that reverie he was caught in. As he rambled in his mind on matters that he never truly stopped thinking about, Subaru didn't notice that he was deviating from the route that Mimi had preset to follow...

Anastasia and Julius were quite right, it was not his responsibility to use his life as a bargaining chip to achieve the optimal results of those terrible events that had taken place revolving around his wretched existence. No one knew of his peculiar blessing and curse, so no one expected him to take care of it.

Yet, in contrast to them, he indeed was well aware of his ability to greatly influence the outcome of each of these events. And that his eternal weakness, but especially his repugnant aversion to death, were the catalysts for his failure to do anything when he had the opportunity, disgusted him to no end. Of course, dying was painful and traumatic, and he had promised to cherish his own life and fight to the very last breath; but he would still come back to life, no matter how painful his last breath...

If his ability made it possible to save a single person, only in exchange for his own suffering; was not that a fair price to pay? After all, he was striving for exactly that very purpose: to be useful, to prolong his own life and the lives of those around him. Therein lay the greatest flaw in his way of dealing with his disgusting weaknesses; even after all that had happened, he refused to use his best asset.

He could use his ability to alter the course of history to a favorable outcome for everyone in that world, but he limited himself to using it only to escape the lethal obstacles he kept running into. Were his mind and spirit not so weak... How important was Crusch Karsten's existence to the Kingdom of Lugunica? Subaru didn't know much about her, but instead Leith spoke only words of praise for her when the subject of the Royal Selection had come up. His life for hers; was it not the right way to go?

And the death of the candidate of the Royal Selection had not been the only one resulting from the battle against the fearsome mabeast, but also the death of dozens of warriors and that of the legendary swordsman Wilhelm Van Astrea. Perhaps if he had committed suicide, and warned Anastasia about the events that took place during the battle against the whale and the subsequent appearance of the Sin Archbishops pertaining to the Witch Cult, he would have prevented most of those tragic casualties.

Dwelling on it was pointless and only served to increase his deep sense of self-loathing, but Subaru simply couldn't stop doing it; it was his form of self-torture, his way of punishing himself for being so revoltingly weak. He could try to content himself with the thought that the death of the Archbishop of Gluttony had caused many people who had disappeared years ago to "come back to life", but the very thought of it seemed extremely distasteful to him; it struck him as a stupidly mediocre and self-indulgent mentality...

Throughout his time away from Lugunica on his second trip to Kararagi, he had come to hear from Anastasia that chaos had come to reign because of the people who were "returning". Those who had been forgotten and lost their memories were simply coming back into people's memories and it was as if they were waking up from a coma, so they did not cause too much of a stir. But the same could not be said of those who recovered their memories to realize that they had been living a life other than their own. The effect was even stronger for those who had been forgotten and were remembered again, months or even years after having rebuilt their lives almost from scratch.

Even after a couple of months, people were still emerging who could be classified in one of the above cases, but not at the same rate as when it all started. However, if he had used Return by Death to warn Anastasia and Crusch, it would probably lead to the same result, but with fewer casualties. That was why he had forbidden himself to use that as a self-congratulatory pretext that there was no need to change the outcome of the hunt; he really had no excuses with which to evade blame.

Sighing, Subaru stopped his lethargic stride. He really had a lot to think about, but doing so was getting him nowhere; rather literally. Blinking, Subaru realized that he was deep in the marketplace in which, until only a moment ago, he had stood at its entrance.

"Midge?" Wasting no time, the first thing he did was to look for Mimi; whereupon it was not long before he noticed that the girl was nowhere in sight. "Hey! Mim-! Argh!" He was about to call out to her again, when suddenly he was violently pushed, and before he could realize it, he had left the market and was in one of the alleys adjoining it.

"Quick, grab him by the arms!"

Subaru was extremely disoriented. What was happening? Just a moment ago he was in a crowded market, and now he found himself in a dark, lonely alley. "What the-?! Gasck!"

"Hold him tight, don't let him get away!" He had been punched in the stomach, his air had been knocked out of him and his feet were beginning to give way under their own weight. Frantic, Subaru struggled to regain air, but the opportunity to do so was quickly denied to him by another sudden blow that landed near his liver.

Subaru was incapacitated to discern what was happening, he was short of breath and his vision was beginning to darken, the only thing he was able to distinguish were black spots on a canvas of corrupted darkness. However, even in that state, he could tell that someone was restraining him from behind; he could not use his arms and his movement was totally limited. Subaru was still struggling to understand the situation he was in, when he suddenly felt pressure being applied to his chin.

"You're gonna pay for what happened before! You hear me?!"Although his gaze was blurry, Subaru glimpsed a face similar to that of a snake. And not because the attacker was a demi-human, but because of its vicious gaze and serpentine tongue that he kept flicking out.

"Hmm... He doesn't seem to remember you." A third attacker remarked, one that was out of Subaru's range of vision. At his companion's comment, the serpentine complexioned assailant let go of Subaru's chin as he released a frustrated groan.

"Well, then I'll make damn sure he does!" The thug then shouted, maliciously. With a grimace of unpleasant pleasure, the fellow grabbed Subaru by his hair, forcing him to look him in the eye. "You screwed us. You called the, oh, so great Sword Saint, making us look bad, you piece of shit!" Frowning, annoyed by Subaru's lack of reaction, the crook tugged harder on his victim's black hair. "We weren't looking for you, don't think you're that special; you definitely weren't worth the trouble. Still, fortune smiled on us! We're looking for a rich guy to strip everything he had, when we spotted you. So we thought; we shouldn't waste this opportunity..."

"He still shows zero interest in what you're saying." Insisted the same voice as before, earning an angry growl from his companion.

"I've grown bored of this! Hold him tight, Gaston, I'm about to give him the beating of his life. And you, Camb, stop being a pain in the ass and join in the thrashing."

"Whatever... I just wanna cut him a litt-"

"K-Kuro... Sha..." Before the thug by the name of Camberley could finish speaking, a whisper coming from Subaru alerted him and his two companions; Subaru had finally recognized them. The man with the disgusting face was about to berate Subaru for it, but before he could do so... "Shamak!" The alleyway was enveloped by veritable darkness.

Subaru, putting to use what he had learned during his training together with Julius, which did not involve purely swordplay, grabbed his captor's arm hard and twisted it forcefully, bending it beyond the natural limit of the elbow. The thief released a howl of agony, which was Subaru's signal to begin his breakneck escape. He took a breath of air and dodged the attempted lunge by the thief who until a moment ago had enjoyed beating him.

"You won't escape from us again! Agkh!" Subaru knew what he had to do and so he did. With a quick swipe to the guy's neck, Subaru shook him off and started running towards the exit of the alley. As he ran away, he could hear the smaller of the crooks groping for his companions in the darkness.

He had to run, he had to escape. The phantom pain from the stabbing he received in his back was manifesting itself, and Subaru could only think of alleviating it by getting away from those three pathetic muggers as quickly as possible. Subaru knew that, no matter how mediocre his progress was during his training with Julius, this one would indeed be enough to defeat those three thugs; after all, he had already succeeded once prior to all of this.

Nevertheless, his pathetic fear of death, reinforced by the last death cycles and the ensuing traumas, urged him to keep running, to never look back. "You don't have to fight"; that's what Anastasia and Julius had implied to him. "You don't have to struggle so hard"; was it really that easy? Could he keep running away for life? Was that the solution to his endless problems? Subaru knew the answer was negative, but at that moment the last thing he wanted was to engage in a meaningless fight.

Subaru finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel, it was the exit of the alley. And given the absence of any signs of pursuit behind him, it seemed that indeed taking revenge on him for what happened was not worth it. And it made sense, after all, he lacked any value, even to those three pathetic thieves. "Only Anastasia... Mimi... Julius... Otto... Leith..." There were scarce people who, unlike him and those around him, actually saw value in him, in his life.

"Onii-san! Where did you go?! Mimi stopped lookin' at you for a second and you disappeared..." So when he was finally able to reunite with Mimi, after ten minutes fleeing through a sea of people, Subaru once again forced himself to smile.

"I saw something that caught my attention, I wound up getting carried away and lost track of time, that's all." The girl was alarmed, and that was considering that he had no visible signs of abuse; after all, he had only been hit in the abdomen. Mimi looked at him, doubtful, but finally decided not to dwell further on the matter.

"We should go back already. The lady might get mad at me if she finds out that I've lost sight of Onii-san..." And so, the short stroll came to an end.

Subaru cast one last glance at the market, before walking out of it; there was genuinely no sign of any of the thieves. Subaru released a heavy sigh, struggling to hide the pain it caused him to do so... His lack of courage was embarrassing, to the point where it made him want to vomit. The least he could do now was to refrain from disclosing what had occurred, otherwise he would only worry Mimi and Anastasia more than they already were, and the little girl may well be greatly affected.

He felt as if he were trapped in a cycle of misery, one from which it was simply impossible to get out. Was it that there were only three crooks in the whole kingdom? Why did he always meet the same ones? It was his fault; if he had been paying attention instead of letting himself be carried away by his musings... It was the fault of fate, of the providence that never ceased to place obstacles in his way and that enjoyed making him suffer...

This time he had gotten off without a hitch, but when the next time came? Was he in an eternal loop of misery that he hadn't realized existed? Or was he just so inept that he kept going around in circles, unable to improve himself in the slightest? Subaru wasn't sure he wanted to uncover the answer...