The Agony of "It's Too Late"
Zero Days since the Last Death (Eighteen Deaths)
Dumbfounded, Subaru stared at the dazzling and graceful figure of Pandora. The small woman possessing an unnatural beauty, on a par with the most beautiful goddesses of all mythology, looked back at him. On her face, brimming with composure, there was a small calm smile, which conveyed the feeling that she was confident that everything that might happen would turn out as she wished. Seeing her smile at him like that, Subaru felt he could combust with anger.
"Was it you, you wicked bitch?! Are you the one behind this?!" Subaru exclaimed angrily, feelings of despair overflowing from his words and gestures.
Subaru had counted on returning to the save point situated at the moment of his awakening from his blackout, a consequence of Petelgeuse's last desperate attack. Subaru had clung to the idea that his save point had not changed; perhaps he had been deluded to believe in it with such conviction, but Subaru was truly certain that his save point had not been altered.
However, he had been mistaken. He had not woken up feeling Halibel's voice drilling in his ears, but had awakened just in time to hear Pandora's disgusting first words to him. Now there would be no way he could make it to the castle before Mimi was attacked; when he finally understood this, Subaru's consciousness was on the verge of fading. Mimi's destiny had drifted too far away... Anastasia's destiny ate was no longer within his grasp. The destiny of both of them had been set adrift in an unnavigable ocean for him.
"I do not know what you are talking about, I'm going to need you to be more specific." Pandora replied, indifferently.
Subaru felt the urge to scream at the witch again, but refrained from doing so. Instead, he brought his hand to his mouth and stifled an anguished wail. Was there really nothing he could do anymore? Subaru dug his fingernails hard into his cheeks, getting blood to start soaking the lower part of his face.
With streams of blood flowing down his neck, Subaru forced himself to think of an alternative. There had to be one. He simply could not give up. It was then that it finally dawned on him; he had not yet wasted valuable time talking with Pandora. Indeed, he had only just met her. Maybe, just maybe, if he hurried to the castle, he would find a way to solve this seemingly unsolvable crisis.
"I don't have time to deal with you." Subaru said, holding onto his dragon's neck.
Of course, since Patrasche had come to a stop on Subaru's orders, its Divine Protection of Wind Evasion had been deactivated and that meant that that would be a considerably bumpy ride. If only he had not stopped to talk to Pandora in the first place... No, it was not worth lamenting about that, not now that he was simply unable to change it. Understanding what Subaru would do, the smile on Pandora's face widened.
"If you refuse to join the Witch Cult, you will never be able to solve your problems, Natsuki Subaru. You will merely suffer in vain." Speaking with a tone of voice that indicated she knew everything, Pandora tried to convince him to join the Witch Cult. It was clear that she understood that Subaru's "Authority" had been used.
"Go fuck yourself, you damn witch!" Subaru shouted, to subsequently pat Patrasche's neck and start speeding away from Pandora.
Ten Minutes since the Last Death (Eighteen Deaths)
He had pushed Patrasche to its limit. Just as its previous owner had surely done, Subaru forced the earth dragon to run at top speed without stopping to take breaks or allowing it to slow down. Subaru understood that it was a cruel act, however, it was necessary. Subaru would do whatever it took to achieve his goals, even if it meant going against his own morals.
Thanks to having pushed Patrasche to its limit, Subaru managed to get to the entrance of the citadel in two-thirds of the time it took to do it the previous loop. Subaru could not claim to be proud of that accomplishment, but he could certainly feel a huge tension drain from his body. He could still prevent the tragedy, he had to fervently believe in it.
Subaru signaled with his hand to Patrasche that it could begin to slow down its stride; being able to give it directions in that way was possible thanks to that strange connection the two had. Patrasche released a squeal of thanks and immediately began to run slower. Panting, the earth dragon took the opportunity to catch its breath.
Subaru then began to scan his surroundings with his eyes. He had not noticed it before due to his tunnel vision, but various carriages, moved by large four-footed earth dragons, were leaving the citadel fully loaded with people. Nobles of all ages and genders, but mostly old men and women, comprised the majority of the carriage passengers. It was clear that this was an evacuation. Which was not surprising considering what had transpired in the city.
"... Most of the nobles from the surrounding area escaped to the castle. However, after the battle that took place the castle was no longer suitable to accommodate anyone, so it has been decided to evacuate the civilians out of the city. Fortunately, several of the nobles who own territories near the city have facilities prepared for situations like this. Even so... I've never seen Lugunica suffer a crisis similar to this one, I really fear for the future of the kingdom..."
"Ya're right, this's definitely an unprecedented crisis."
Subaru could hear two people talking. One of them owned a voice that was unfamiliar to him, but, on the contrary, the other had a voice extremely familiar to him. Subaru waited for the carriage next to him to move out of his field of vision, and when this happened he could see the guard that the previous loop had futilely tried to stop him conversing earnestly with Ricardo, whose body was covered with non-lethal wounds.
"Ricardo..." Subaru uttered, drawing the attention of both of them.
"Hey, halt! Who are you? Access to this area is restricted." Said the guard, as he eyed Subaru suspiciously.
Ricardo, in contrast, smiled at the sight of him. "Boy!" After greeting Subaru, he immediately turned to the guard. "Relax, he's a friend, you don' need to trouble him."
"Ah, I see!" Exclaimed the guard, who apparently respected Ricardo quite a bit. Were they old acquaintances? Or had Ricardo just saved his life? Subaru could only wonder inwardly, since he had no intention of wasting time asking about something of such little importance.
"It's good to see you're okay, kid...! Damn, what happened to yer arms n' face!" Subaru sighed in frustration.
He was sick of hearing that question. Subaru scrubbed his face with his hand, but with that he only managed to spread the blood, giving the impression that he was using a crimson bandana to hide his face from the nose down. Expressions of discomfort appeared on the faces of the guard and Ricardo, but the demi-human's had been less evident; after all, he had already become accustomed to Subaru's eccentricities.
"It's nothing, it doesn't even hurt." Said Subaru, while shaking his hand to get rid of the blood that was now drenching it; something he quickly regretted. With difficulty he forced himself not to wince. He had forgotten that in that loop Pandora had not relieved the pain from his body. So focused had he been on getting to the castle as quickly as possible, he had not even noticed the burning pain.
"If ya say so..." Ricardo replied, unsure of the veracity of Subaru's words.
"Besides, you're not one to talk, you're also covered in wounds." Subaru countered.
"Are you talkin' about these lil' scratches? Kitzu managed to heal the deeper wounds, so I told him not to waste mana and save it to heal the wounded in the castle; he and Maju left fer there not too long ago to see if they could be of help." Ricardo replied, shrugging off his injuries as did Subaru. "By the way, where's Utada, did somethin' happen to him?"
"He's fine, this earth dragon we ran into couldn't carry us both, so we decided I'd go ahead." Subaru said, failing to hide how eager he was to end that conversation and continue on his way to the castle.
"You look like ya're in a great hurry. Halibel shoulda arrived at the castle by now, boy, no need to be so nervous. And didn'tcha know? All the cultists vanished from the capital, it's as if they're never here... Unfortunately the same can't be said for the damage they wrought."
"I AM in a big hurry, Ricardo. And I do have reason to be nervous." Noticing that Subaru spoke with complete seriousness, Ricardo frowned.
"Somethin' happened?"
"I had another vision. I don't have time to explain. I can only tell you that I need to get to the castle as soon as possible." Subaru lied.
"Hmm... It will be hard for you to be let in if you don't know even a little bit of healing magic." Said the guard, barging into the conversation.
"Boy, if ya hurry maybe you'll catch up with Kitzu and Maju before they get into the castle. Kitzu's the best healer in our group and Maju knows some of healin' magic, so hopefully they help ya get in." Ricardo informed collaboratively.
"Got it, thank you." Subaru thanked. He then looked ahead and set to touch Patrasche's neck, but before doing so he added. "When we meet again, tell me about what happened after we parted ways; you guys clearly had it rough too."
With a melancholy smile shaping on his lips, Ricardo nodded. Subaru then began to ride away once again. Perhaps that gesture of sympathy was unnecessary based on his hierarchy of priorities, but after all the help he had received from Ricardo, Subaru felt it was the least he could do.
Fifteen Minutes since the Last Death (Eighteen Deaths)
When Subaru spotted the two people he had been looking for, this time they were both near the bridge that gave access to the castle. Kitzu at that moment was casting healing magic on a wounded guard lying on the paving stone path, while two more guards watched the process with concern. Once Kitzu finished, he nodded and one of the guards helped the wounded guard walk towards the castle. In the end only one guard remained, who euphorically thanked Kitzu and Maju for their help. Perhaps that was why he had allowed Subaru to pass as soon as Maju asked him to do so.
"... Thank you very much! With the number of wounded in the garden, who knows how long it would have taken for one of the castle healers to arrive to help us. We were afraid that if we moved him we might put him in danger, so I really appreciate it!" The guard exclaimed, moved.
"There's no need. Our intention in comin' was precisely to help." Kitzu said modestly.
"You guys are going to go help at the castle? It's chaos there, there are more wounded than anywhere else in the surrounding area, so I'm sure your help will be welcome." Reported the guard, losing his cheerful countenance.
"Yeah, we will do dat." Maju replied.
"Maju, Kitzu, I finally caught up with you!" Subaru shouted, managing to get the trio's attention.
"Subaru-sama! What'cha doin' here!" Subaru answered Maju's question with the same lie he told Ricardo, he also claimed to have been informed of everything by the captain and explained why he was not with Utada; all this to prevent the conversation from dragging on longer than necessary. "I understand... Then we'd enter the castle immediately."
"Hmm... Is he a partner of yours?" Inquired the guard, shooting a glance at Subaru.
"Yes. There won't be a problem with him accompanyin' us to the castle, will there?" Questioned Kitzu to the guard.
"N-No. The more help the better." Replied the guard, apparently apologetic that he had been forced to ask about Subaru's identity.
"In that case let's get goin-." Was saying Maju, but was interrupted by Kitzu.
"Subaru-sama, what happened to your arms?! And your face?!" Alarmed, the healer brought his hands close to Subaru's right arm, who remained on Patrasche. "Let me heal ya."
"No need." Subaru asserted, pulling his arm away, much to the bewilderment of the healer. "I'm really in a hurry, so thanks for the help, guys. I'll see you in there." And Subaru was about to go ahead, but in the end decided against it. "Kitzu, Mimi needs your help, so please come with me." Subaru said, gesturing with his hands for him to get on Patrasche behind him.
"Wouldn't we be leavin' Maju behind? I don' think the three of us would fit on the back of this earth dragon." The healer asked Subaru, quizzical.
"Does it have somethin' to do with the vision you mentioned, Subaru-sama?" Maju inquired, comprehending Subaru's intentions better than Kitzu.
"Yes." Then, without hesitation, the girl told Kitzu to do as Subaru said; Kitzu did not object to her companion's words and mounted the earth dragon...
When they found Mimi in the same tent as in the previous loop, two healers were doing their best to save her life. Kitzu hurried to join the healers and Subaru, struggling to suppress a wail of despair, sat on the ground near the entrance to the tent, in a place where he would not get in the way of the influx of healers and wounded. Silently, Subaru prayed for Mimi's recovery.
Subaru pleaded in his mind and heart for Mimi to be saved, even when he knew beforehand the tragic outcome. Subaru came from the future, or from a parallel world, and knew how that attempt to prevent the little girl's death would end, but that did not stop him from silently sending all his support to the team of healers who were striving to save the girl.
He had to trust, even though he felt deep down that it was already too late; he needed to have faith. Subaru thought about chaos theory and the butterfly effect. Not that he possessed advanced knowledge about it, but that was not necessary either; he knew the basics from a video he got to see one day when he was absent from school. A single factor, the smallest one, could result in the triggering of enormous events. The flapping of a butterfly's wings could trigger the birth of a tornado on the other side of the country.
Subaru had returned right at the moment he had met Pandora, he had not indulged her by staying to talk to her and had wasted as little time as possible on his way to the castle. His interactions with Ricardo and Maju had also been shorter, and he had also brought forward Kitzu's arrival at the tent where Mimi was. Perhaps that was all it took to change the future, if only Mimi's future.
Holding on to that idea, Subaru waited, waited for a change to happen on the cot where Mimi was being treated. Blood flowed nonstop from the girl's exposed stumps; bone, flesh, and muscle were visible. How many times had he not come to see corpses in worse condition during that day? He had lost count, and yet the sight of Mimi in that state made him shudder far more than seeing the sea of severed and incinerated corpses.
The healers tightened the tourniquets they had placed on the girl's thighs while forcing her to drink water to keep her hydrated. Mimi had lost a lot of blood, and one thing Subaru had learned throughout his time on that world was that healing magic did not regenerate it, just as it did not regenerate lost limbs or organs. Even the great healer, the Blue Knight, had needed Hetaro's limbs preserved in order to reattach them to his body.
Losing a limb by amputation was avoidable in that world, if there was some extremely skilled healer ready to treat the injured person promptly. However, in Halibel's words, by the time he had found Mimi, she had already lost too much blood and was in serious condition. Apparently, Halibel had indeed recovered the amputated legs, however, in addition to the fact that Mimi's condition did not make such an operation any easier, the healers present could not even hold a candle to Felix.
"This cut simply won't heal, it's as if it was made with the intent to kill!" Exclaimed one of the healers.
It was clear that that was the intention of the attacker; a witch cultist who was evidently extremely skilled. Who had it been? Subaru needed to know, Subaru needed to know who he would have to hunt down... But what would be the point of him knowing? He would never be able to defeat them... Frustrated, Subaru punched the ground, and then continued to wait...
"Mimi-chan!" It was when Kitzu's surprised voice reached his ears that Subaru ventured to raise his gaze once more. As he did so, he noticed a slight movement on Mimi's cot and practically jumped headlong onto it.
"Midge?! Did she wake up?!" Subaru asked frantically, as he wedged himself in between the healers, careful not to push them away from the girl.
"Nii... san..." A wailing whisper reached his ears and Subaru then met Mimi's pale face, her aqua green eyes were hazy; it was evident that her sense of sight was fading. Subaru felt a sharp pain in his chest as he noticed the symptoms of death in the girl.
"Midge..." Subaru muttered, unable to process what was happening before his eyes. His breathing became agitated, and his heart rate increased dramatically. "Mimi! Who the hell did this to you?! Who attacked you?!" Subaru frantically inquired, losing his composure. Kitzu tried to calm him down, but to no avail. Subaru pushed the demi-human off of him and brought his face close to Mimi's.
"Arch... bi... shop... Glu... tton... y..." Mimi stammered, the meaning of her words increasingly difficult to comprehend. Still, Subaru understood her perfectly. "Suba... Nii-san... Mi… mi… wa… nts… ya… to… li… ve... don'… gi…ve… up... plea… se..." Shocked, Subaru was finally dragged away from Mimi by a knight who had been called out by one of the healers. The healers desperately resumed their work, before Subaru's stunned gaze.
"Will you quit causing trouble?" The knight asked him when they were both near the exit of the tent, but Subaru made no reply; he simply was not capable of doing so. "Anyway, I have too many things to deal with right now, so I will give you a second chance as I understand how you feel. Just stay here quietly and don't yell again, you are upsetting the wounded." And with those words, the knight walked away from Subaru and left the tent.
Subaru once again waited, but this time he did not expect anything at all. Subaru had seen it, had seen how life had left Mimi's body. And it was proven that he had not been hallucinating, when Kitzu started walking towards him, pale and with his eyes wide open. "If only I were Felix-sama... Maybe I coulda saved her..." Subaru heard him mutter as the healer walked past him.
Kitzu continued walking and left the tent without saying a word to Subaru. And Subaru, who inevitably remembered that Felix had been relieved of his position as a knight because he was deemed mentally incapable of continuing to exercise it, fell to his knees, supporting himself with his hands on the ground.
Tears flowed from his eyes and soaked the portion of ground beneath his face, yet Subaru did not move, not even to hide his pathetic emotional weakness. He was weak, and that was why it had taken him so long to reach the castle. He was weak, and that was why he had allowed the death and disappearance of Crusch Karsten and her subordinates to occur; thereby, causing Felix to go mad. He was weak, and that was why he had failed to regain control over Anastasia's destiny. Maybe if he had been strong, maybe if he had not been so selfish, maybe if he had not been so powerless... Mimi would still be alive.
Thirty-Five Minutes since the Last Death (Eighteen Deaths)
It took five minutes for Subaru to muster the courage to stand up. In that time, none of those present inside the tent had dared to approach him. Avoiding looking at Mimi's body, Subaru walked out of the place. Kitzu was at his side, crouching down. In the end it all turned out the same as the last loop; thought Subaru, dejectedly. They both remained silent, they preferred it that way.
Subaru glanced at the other tents next to the one he had just left. There were five in all. Healers came in and out of these, sometimes carrying medical implements, sometimes carrying wounded to be treated. Only one of them did not seem to have such a frenetic traffic of people. And it was at the entrance of this tent that Subaru caught a glimpse of the particular figure of a wolfman with black fur.
"Halibel..." Subaru whispered. His ally nodded to him and entered the tent, disappearing inside it. Subaru hesitated for a moment to go there, but quickly dismissed his doubts. He could not give up yet, no, he could never do that. Subaru wiped away his tears and stepped forward. One, two, three, four, five strides and Subaru finally reached the tent where he saw that Halibel had entered.
Subaru peered into this tent and immediately understood why there were so few healers coming in and out of there. On the cots, used as stretchers, placed side by side in a row, there seemed to be not a single person with serious injuries. Most of those who were there seemed to be simply unconscious. Subaru scanned the patients' features and soon realized that there were three familiar faces.
A young man dressed in the white uniform of the Lugunica Royal Guard lay asleep on one of the cots, his typical purple hair as neatly combed as ever. A silver-haired girl was whimpering and babbling as she repeatedly rocked back and forth on her cot. And next to this crazed girl was a young pink-haired girl, totally unconscious.
"You finally made it 'ere, Su-san. I was beginnin' ta worry." Subaru was not surprised to abruptly hear a voice beside him. He spun around and saw Halibel smoking from his kiseru as he leaned against one of the wooden pillars supporting the tent's tarpaulin.
"What happened when you got here?" Subaru asked, deciding to get straight to the point. He had previously opted to tell Halibel to fill him in on the matter later; well now was that time. He needed to start gathering information on what had happened at the castle. Subaru needed to better understand what had transpired in that place. Mimi had given him a name, still... the Sin Archbishop of Gluttony was supposed to be dead.
"Su-san. I can imagine how ya feel. I know you're very close to lil' Mimi. But shouldn't ya sit down n'-?"
"What the fuck happened, Halibel?!" Subaru shouted, cutting off Halibel's words of concern. The healers and the few patients' companions shot him reproachful glances, but Subaru paid them not the slightest attention.
Halibel sighed deeply, releasing a plume of smoke that escaped through the tent entrance. "The Sword Saint n' the Archbishop of Greed were clashin' when I arrived at the castle. The place was in chaos, guards and knights clashin' against a swarm of the witch cultists. Wastin' no time getting' distracted by the battle, I created two clones and entered the castle. I guess you get what happened next..."
"You split up and started searching the castle, then one of you found Emilia and Mimi." Subaru inferred; although this is not true, he simply already knew.
"That's right. I found lil' Mimi in one of the castle hallways, by then she'd already lost a lotta blood. I'm sorry, Su-san." Halibel apologized, lowering his head.
"Don't be sorry. You did everything you could, and I thank you for it." Said Subaru. However, the words that came out of his mouth lacked genuineness, emotion. Halibel sighed regretfully and continued with the report.
"Those girls," Halibel said, pointing to the fainted girl and the girl in a catatonic state; Subaru had already recognized them upon entering the tent, but he was finally paying attention to how bad a state Emilia was in. The half elf, in a deep state of shock, kept rocking back and forth while mumbling incomprehensible words. "Emilia-sama and Ram-san, they're bein' attacked by a witch cultist when one of my clones found 'em."
"And you beat the cultist?"
"No. At 'bout the same time I'd found lil' Mimi, so I created a third clone that I tasked with findin' someone who'd heal her. My other clone kept the cultist busy for a few seconds, but the coward destroyed it and escaped before I could get there. When I did, only the two gals were left."
Subaru scratched his head in frustration. "You don't know anything about another girl who might have been with them?"
"Another girl? Why yes." This answer made Subaru's eyes widen like saucers, but that expression was quickly replaced by a look of disappointment. "Felt-sama. I ran into her on my way to them. Apparently she'd managed to escape from the witch cultist and was lookin' fer help."
"And she didn't tell you about the witch cultist who attacked them? Don't you know where Felt might be at this moment?"
"No, the urgency of the moment made it impossible for us to talk for too long. And 'bout where she might be; the Sword Saint met with her before I went after Emilia-sama, and he took her away from 'ere. Even though the witch cultists disappeared, it seems that the Royal Guard fears a second attack n' so they're evacuatin' the city; the priority's the members of the nobility and the candidates of the Royal Selection. Any moment now someone should be comin' for Emilia-sama and Ram-san, probably the cap'n of the Royal Guard, considerin' that Emilia-sama has no knight... Most likely they woulda taken her already if she wasn't... who she is. On second thought, they mayn't even come fer her, with the excuse that she's in the care of the Fang of Iron."
"Shit... There goes my chance to question the only witness to what happened in speaking condition..." Subaru muttered, frustrated. "And yeah, you're right, the last candidate on the priority list no doubt is the "half-demon"; we're in Lugunica, so I guess it couldn't be otherwise. What happened to them, why are they in that state?"
"Ram-san apparently pushed herself to her limit in order to protect Emilia-sama. In her time at the mansion I hadn't noticed that despite bein' an Oni she lacks horns; and well, that explains why she kept bleedin' from her forehead when I found her passed out."
"What about Emilia, didn't you try to question her about what happened?"
"I did try, but it was useless, she didn't respond to any of my questions. It seems that the Witch Cult's attack has left her badly shaken. And the truth is, I can't blame her... After all she went through, I wouldn't be surprised if she's left with a deep mental scar; poor gal."
"And what do you know about the purple-haired knight?" Subaru asked, referring to Julius, who remained unconscious, completely ignoring what Halibel had said regarding Emilia's condition. Subaru was completely focused on gathering information, and cared little about anything else.
"I also found him while searchin' fer Emilia-sama, but since he didn't seem to have serious injuries I left him where he was. Next thing I knew, he'd already been brought here... The curious thing's that, despite havin' the Royal Guard's uniform, no one recognizes him; it's as if he had appeared out of nowhere."
"Fuck..." Frustrated, Subaru massaged his temples. That definitely confirmed what Mimi had said. Damn, Anastasia Camp is falling apart; Subaru cursed in his mind. All those he held dear were being taken away from him; were those the ramifications of his decision to protect one thing and detach from everything else? "Halibel... Were you able to get a look at the witch cultist who attacked the candidates?" Subaru asked; he needed an eyewitness to this mysterious new Archbishop of Gluttony. Maybe if he knew what he looked like... He should find a way to track him down and... kill him.
He did not know how he would be capable of accomplishing such a feat, but Subaru was aware that this was the only way to restore Anastasia and Julius' existences. By Wilhelm Van Astrea assassinating the previous Archbishop of Gluttony, the people devoured by him had begun to be remembered once again. Therefore he had to do exactly this same thing... Only he could do it, he, who was the only one who had not forgotten Julius and Anastasia; this was definitely due to his anomaly status.
"No, unfortunately I don' share the sense of sight with my clones. If the bastard hadn't destroyed it before, I woulda been able to ask my clone..." Halibel replied, slightly distressed by his failure. "Hey, Su-san. Shouldn't you've your arms healed? And your hands, n' your face… What the heck happened to ya? You look like you dipped yer arms in friggin' lava."
"It's nothing, forget it." Subaru stubbornly insisted.
What could he do? He had no clues as to Anastasia's whereabouts, and the only eyewitnesses to the attack on the candidates were in no condition to engage him in conversation; even worse, one of them was dead. The very thought of it made him feel nauseous. Starting to be consumed by despair, Subaru clawed at his injured arms. What would he do? Subaru looked up at Emilia and Ram. There, completely detached from the harsh reality that surrounded her, withdrawn into her own world, was Emilia.
Emilia, the girl who had saved him from the thugs who attacked him shortly after his arrival in that world. "Hal-san, why did you save Emilia and not Anastasia?"
"Whaddya mean, Su-san? You told me that your priority was Emilia-sama, you asked me to save her at all costs. Besides, who's Anastasia?"
"I see..." He had returned to zero. It was as if everything experienced together with the Anastasia Camp had been a fever dream. Subaru took a closer look at Emilia's gaze devoid of reason. It was like looking at Leith... That girl was lost, she needed someone to support her. Could he be that someone? He still felt that unpleasant mix of emotions fluctuating through his being every time he looked at her, but...
She might need him; that thought surfaced in his head. Suddenly it was as if a part of him wanted to try to abide once again by that first broken promise, while the other wanted him to put that behind him for good and focus on finding a way to get Anastasia back. The situation was not my different from those fantasy scenarios seen in the cartoons, a voice spoke to one ear and another voice spoke to the other; love and hate. However, Subaru ignored both voices, both emotions directed at Emilia for no apparent reason.
He owed a lot to Emilia, if it were not for her, he might never have learned that there was goodness in that hostile world. Something inside him, something dying, cried out declaring that it did not want to disappear, but Subaru ignored it altogether. Something inside him was struggling to continue to exist, something whose feeble existence was nearing the end of its pathetic life. Emilia was not his priority, maybe she could have been, but that possibility vanished the moment he broke the first promise he made in that world.
The image of Anastasia appeared before him, the memory of her burning brightly in his mind. Her self-serving warmth, her greedy affection, her toxic ambition; she had saved him. Anastasia made him feel that there was something worthwhile in his pathetic existence. Anastasia, who had claimed that her stolen ideas were indeed her own, for they brimmed with his essence. Anastasia, who had recognized him for being Natsuki Subaru and not Natsuki Kenichi's son. She saw value in him. Anastasia had reached out to him and made him feel important, valued... He had no reason to love Emilia, but he had reason to love Anastasia. Did he love her?
Admiration? Affection? Love? Obsession? It was really irrelevant; the truth was that he needed Anastasia. Without her he did not think he would be able to go on. Determined, Subaru extended his arm towards Halibel. "Halibel, I need you to give me one of your kunai." As expected, Halibel was hesitant to obey him, but it was not difficult for Subaru to persuade him.
As he had done before, Subaru sliced deeply into his own throat without the slightest trace of hesitation. The last death scene was repeated almost identically. And as he was dragged into the abyss of death, Subaru realized that his fear of death was diminishing. After all, fate, his weakness and his own decisions had taken away almost everything that tied him to life.
Zero Days since the Last Death (Nineteen Deaths)
Subaru embraced death and it embraced him back. However, Subaru was quickly repelled by the deadly blackness. Understanding what was about to happen, Subaru braced himself. When he returned, Subaru could feel the weight of all the emotions swirling inside him return with a vengeance. And then despair quickly overcame him. It was too late, the worst case scenario had taken place...
"At last we meet... It seems to me that the Ordeal I subjected you to is finally bearing fruit." Before him stood the beautiful Witch of Vanity, Pandora. What could he do now that it was too late? Subaru, not hesitating a second longer, tapped Patrasche's neck forcefully. Without responding to Pandora's words, Subaru started to get away from her. "...Will you continue to suffer in silence? How long will you endure it, Natsuki Subaru?"
Turning a deaf ear to Pandora's attempts at persuasion, Subaru once again forced the earth dragon he had stolen to run at top speed towards the castle. Disregarding Ricardo, the knight with him and the carriages evacuating the area completely, Subaru rode onward. Once he arrived at the bridge that gave access to the castle, he almost forced Kitzu to accompany him, even though he had not finished healing the comrade of the guard who was standing watch over the bridge.
"I'll finish healin' him..." Maju said, trying to calm the enraged knight, while wondering what had happened to Subaru and Utada.
Yet once again Subaru's efforts proved futile. Nothing prevented that, after long and tense minutes of trying to save Mimi with medieval medical implements and healing magic, Mimi died. "Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! DAMN IT! Damn witch!" Subaru bellowed madly, before grabbing his weapon and immolating himself in front of the tent where Mimi's corpse lay. The explosion wounded Kitzu and caused part of the tent to catch fire. Shocked, Halibel tried to put out the flames, but his stunned gaze never left Subaru's charred corpse blown to pieces.
Zero Days since the Last Death (Twenty Deaths)
"... How many archbishops are there actually? What happened to Gluttony? Why was he so quickly replaced?" Subaru questioned Pandora, barely restraining his anger and despair.
"Does that mean you already went to the castle?" She answered with another question.
"That doesn't fuckin' matter, answer me already, you damn bitch!"
"As you like... There are only six Sin Archbishops, and these are: Wrath, Gluttony, Lust, Sloth, Greed and Pride. Each of these possesses a Witch Factor, however, the peculiarity of Gluttony is that the factor was fragmented centuries ago. The Archbishop of Gluttony who died at the hands of Wilhelm Van Astrea was the brother of the one who until recently was besieging the castle; he now also possesses the fragment of his late sibling."
"Goddamn it... Who's that Archbishop of Gluttony?! How do I find him?! How do I kill him?!" At Subaru's frantic questions, Pandora's smile widened.
"You shall never be able to know unless you become part of the Witch Cult. After all, the Sin Archbishops of Gluttony, because of the particularity of their authority, have always been shrouded in an aura of mystery even denser than that of my other Sin Archbishops."
"Fuck yourself, you damned witch!" And with that parting shot, Subaru set off again to try to change the destiny of those in the castle. Though once again, this would prove to be in vain...
Zero Days since the Last Death (Twenty-two Deaths)
"...Tell me more about your cursed ordeal! What does it involve? Is everything that happened in the castle part of it?" Having failed for the fourth time in a row to save Mimi, Subaru once again decided to humor the Witch of Vanity by wasting time talking to her. He needed to get information out of her, anything that could turn the tide of the current dismal flow of fate.
"I thought you figured it out already." Pandora replied wryly. Subaru, annoyed, pointed his gun at her. "That's unnecessary, I shall answer your question whether you threaten me or not."
"This way I feel more at ease..."
"If you so desire, I'll be fine with it." She said composedly. "It's as you say, everything that has happened to you on this day since you first learned of the advent of my Witch Cult, is part of the Orde-" Before Pandora could finish speaking, a fiery projectile slammed into her face, blowing it apart. Subaru and Patrasche, as expected, were thrown to the ground by the force of the blast and received severe burns. Even so, as had happened before, these disappeared almost instantly. "...part of the Ordeal."
"You fucking witch! Why did you do it! What the fuck do you want from me!" Subaru exclaimed frantically, still not getting up from the ground.
"Hmm... I am rather confident that you are aware of that as well. This Ordeal is required in order to prepare you for your impending incorporation into the Witch Cult..." Fed up with hearing that, Subaru interrupted Pandora, thus preventing her from continuing to talk about the ordeal.
"Won't happen! Don't you get it?!" Subaru exclaimed, as he stood up.
"Why are you so reluctant to accept my gracious offer? You are a sinner yourself... You are well aware of that, are you not? You are fully aware that you would fit right in with us, as a Sin Archbishop... You are Natsuki Subaru, the sinner, those scars on your arms are faithful proof of such a thing..." Pandora shifted her gaze to Subaru's arms and Subaru instinctively did the same; the latter, upset, hid his arms behind his back. "Only by becoming a part of my Witch Cult will you attain the power you seek, Natsuki Subaru."
Hearing this, Subaru's body shuddered violently. Power... If only he had the power to change the destiny he was unable to change... Subaru, for the first time since meeting Pandora, was tempted to accept her proposal. However, Subaru quelled those dangerous emotions before they could sprout in his heart. He could not give in to the witch's temptation, or else he would truly lose everything.
"I'll find a way to fix everything without your help." Subaru stated, determined. However, deep down he knew that he was simply bluffing; his weakness was so immense that he would never be able to make good on those words. They were merely an empty threat.
"We shall meet again, Natsuki Subaru, such is your fate. Eventually you will have to accept my proposal."
Subaru insists on refusing Pandora's offer. It doesn't matter if it's the Subaru of the original story or the one in the What If's, if there's one trait about him that persists through time, death and loops, it's his inability to give up. And in my fic that will be no different. Still, as we've come to see, especially in the alternate histories, this trait of Subaru's can become a double-edged sword. For Subaru it is possible to die as many times as necessary to solve the crisis, but how much can his mind endure it, especially considering that his mental stability hangs by a thread? Is he gonna die more times? A lot more.
Mimi's death is inevitable, Anastasia is nowhere to be found, Julius lost both his name and memories, Ram is unconscious, Emilia was left on the verge of insanity. Is there really a chance that Subaru can overcome Pandora's Ordeal without accepting her offer? Or is it impossible and Pandora already won? The truth is that the answer is pretty obvious, but this is my fic and we are talking about Subaru, nothing is really impossible for him when he is determined to achieve something. However, he has so few options at hand...
I must say, JiroAwesome read me like a book, and I don't mean the fic; I really enjoy reading your reviews man. Indeed, what happened with Crusch came back to bite Subaru in the ass, one more burden for the guilt bag. And yes, if Subaru had hypothetically saved her, he wouldn't have condemned Mimi.
As for the Anastasia X Subaru, I wouldn't give up hope that it's going to happen. It is true that Subaru is, and is going to be even more, emotionally broken. However, that won't be a deterrent for it to happen, especially considering all that he has sacrificed for her. Will it be a healthy relationship? Obviously not, but this is a tragedy fic, so it couldn't be otherwise. Still, there will be plenty of wholesome moments to lighten up the plot, so rest assured... Anyway, as always, thanks for your support, I really appreciate it! Till next week.