Humility = Inferiority Complex
Ten Minutes since the Last Death (Fifty Deaths)
"Ha... Ha, ha, ha... Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha... Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha..." Elated, Subaru began to laugh stridently. He had been blessed. For the first time since he had set foot in that world, he had been genuinely blessed. His humility had been rewarded. He, who was weak, powerless, and had been able to acknowledge it, had been rewarded with a power that satisfied his most heartfelt desires.
Fate, bored of seeing him fail over and over again, tired of seeing how he was unable to fight off his insurmountable challenges, had decided to give him a tool with which he could make the competition more interesting. How it worked, Subaru himself could not be entirely sure, but he could definitely sense it; by looking at a person, if he wished, would trigger them to experience the same as he had experienced. It seemed to be slightly similar to Sirius' authority, but instead of focusing on emotions, it focused on sensations; pain, in particular.
As far as he could discern, he could only make others feel things that he himself had experienced, and he was unsure how many people he could affect at a time, but considering the nature of his other Authority, Return by Death, this one seemed extremely convenient. If he focused hard enough, he could achieve results like those obtained in Pandora; that is, he could make other people sustain the same wounds he had suffered.
The wounds he sustained throughout each loop, the deaths caused by these wounds and his endless weakness, would finally be of use to him. He had finally been granted a way to force others to empathize with his pain. He could make Anastasia, Halibel, Julius, Ricardo, Otto, Leith, Utada and all the others understand him. He could convey to them what he had been unable to convey in words all this time. He could...
No... Subaru put a stop to that train of thought. What the hell was he thinking about? He was allowing his frustrations to blind him. To use that power, that Authority, on them, who had reached out to a pathetic being like him? That was definitely not a proper way to repay their kindness. If he used his newly acquired Authority on them, then he would be no different than the monsters he would henceforth call colleagues.
Had his humility been rewarded? Introspectively, Subaru pointed out his greatest misjudgment. Humility to have acknowledged that he was weak and in need of power? Perhaps he had come to this realization partly because of a corrupted humility, but he could never claim that he was driven by genuine humility. His tainted false humility could never be considered a virtue. Indeed, his humility was nothing more than a sin disguised as a virtue; he had lowered his head, acknowledging that he was powerless, while he longed with rage and envy for the power of those capable of doing what he could not.
In order to get Anastasia and her employees back, to get her to achieve her goals, those that would fulfill her and make her feel complete, he had decided to make a deal with the devil. To understand that whoever granted him that power was of no importance, that had been his corrupt humility. The end justifies the means, he, who was powerless, needed to be governed by that principle in order to survive in that world and achieve what he had determined to achieve.
Nevertheless, he had died in vain dozens of times just because of his unfounded pride, even when he was acutely aware that he alone could never alter the events that unfolded in the castle. He was powerless and he knew it, and yet when he accepted help from others he did so reluctantly and after thousands of lethal failures behind him.
No... He could not be so blind. His tainted humility was nothing more than an inferiority complex; his humility equaled inferiority complex. And because of that inferiority complex, he had suffered and made those he considered allies suffer as well. He was by no means a virtuous man; Pandora was right, he was a sinner.
"Marvellous! Simply marvellous!" Moved by Subaru's display of power, Pandora, who only moments before had been enveloped by inextinguishable flames, began to clap her hands, as she watched Subaru contentedly. Her small hands repeatedly clapped against each other, her half-closed eyes sparkled, brimming with excitement. "In the name of the Witch of Vanity, for your humility in recognizing that which you lack, and your undying determination to achieve that which you crave, I bestow upon you the titles of Envy and Wrath, Bishop Natsuki."
"So now I work for you, huh? Holy shit... Well, I can't deny that the results were better than I had expected." As he responded to Pandora's words, Subaru inspected his body with his gaze, wiggled and stretched his limbs; he still felt a bit odd, strained even. Once he considered that his body was back to feeling as it usually did, he zeroed back in on the witch before him. "Still... You REALLY are the cause of all the shit I went through today, so I'd like to take it out on you some more... Feel the same as me, Pandora... sama."
Subaru locked eyes with the witch, who despite his threatening words, remained impassive. Subaru's eyes flashed with a dangerous crimson glow and then... nothing happened. The confident countenance Subaru had been showing vanished in a matter of an instant; he had overestimated the power he had just received, that was his unfounded pride.
"I willingly let you use your Authority of Wrath on me for the purpose of you demonstrating your ability to me, but that does not mean I'm just going to permit it again. You know, I was really hurt by that earlier, and you really expected me to allow you to use your Authority of Wrath on me once again? Now that is no way to treat your benefactor, is it?"
"Tch! I suppose then that there are certain conditions that must be met for my Authority to take effect. Could you tell me what they're?" Subaru questioned her, ignoring Pandora's words of false resentment; there's no way that woman could have any feelings, he thought.
"Hmm... From what I could experience, it seems to me that it is the mentality of your target; that is, mental strength and willpower. If a person is not mentally strong, you shall be able to subdue their psyche and cause enormous physical damage with your Authority, just as you did with me when I stood before you defenseless. Nevertheless, if a person boasts great willpower, you shall find it significantly more difficult to subdue their mind, and therefore you might even be unable to cause them physical harm. Fortunately for you, I find it unlikely that anyone will be able to stop you from making them feel your pain; so there may be people you cannot physically harm with your Authority, but you shall definitely be able to harm them psychologically."
"I understand... That piece of info will be quite helpful to me, thank you." Subaru replied with genuine appreciation.
"It would be problematic for me if in the course of your first assignment for the cult you were to find yourself unable to properly use your Authority of Wrath. I have high expectations placed upon you, Bishop Natsuki."
"Assignment? What do you expect me to do?" Subaru inquired, unsure if he wanted to hear the answer.
"For the present it is needless for you to be concerned about it. When the time comes, the scriptures of your Gospel shall show you the path you must follow." Having said this, Pandora stretched out her arm toward Subaru; in the blink of an eye, a black book materialized on the palm of her hand. "Take it. From this day forth, you shall live your life according to the scriptures of the Gospel I have endowed upon you. This shall be your identification as Sin Archbishop of the Witch Cult, and you shall treasure it as the most sacred object among your possessions."
"I guess I'd better not put into practice what I had told Petelgeuse I did with the Gospel." Subaru muttered, as he picked up the black book.
"I presume you have a full understanding of this, but I shall still repeat it for the sake of clarity. If you do not comply with what is written in your Gospel, you shall be stripped of the Authority I have conceded to you. You can do as much as you desire, provided you abide by the scriptures of the Gospel."
"I get it, I get it. You don't have to tell me so many times, I ain't deaf." Subaru complained, as he began scanning the contents of his Gospel.
Subaru palpated the texture of the Gospel's hardcover, but did not detect anything remarkable. It was nothing more than a black cover decorated with simple engravings. He opened the book and then came across its title page; in golden letters was written his name, Natsuki Subaru (ナツキ・スバル). To his surprise, it was written in Japanese instead of the glyphs of that world. Besides his name, there was nothing else written, so he turned the page, and it was then that an exclamation of confusion escaped his mouth.
"Eh?" Puzzled, Subaru turned the page again. The result was the same, so he turned the page one more time; the process was repeated about five more times, until, frustrated, he quickly flipped through all the pages of the book. When the back cover appeared, indicating that he had reached the end of the book, Subaru raised his eyes and looked at Pandora. "It's empty!" Subaru exclaimed, annoyed. What kind of joke was that? Pandora nodded, conveying understanding.
"It is already a challenging task for the Book of Wisdom to keep pace with the changes inserted by your existence into reality itself, it is understandable that doing so would prove even more difficult for one of its failed copies."
"If it's a failed copy then what are you giving it to me for? Now how am I supposed to follow your damn orders! You're not going to take my Authority away from me for it, are you?!" Enraged, Subaru approached Pandora as he swung the black book in the air.
"I figured from the beginning that something like that might come about, no need to get so worked up. This can be nothing but a good thing for you." Gently taking the hand with which Subaru had been shaking his Gospel, Pandora calmed him by assuring him that there was no risk of his newly acquired power being taken away from him.
"A good thing...? What do you mean?"
"Look at it this way. The less content your Gospel has, the less you shall have to govern your life by what is written in it. When the time comes that you must do something vitally important, such as one of my assignments, then its writing will be updated, of that I am certain. If you have the Gospel at hand, you will be able to perceive when this happens, so you must not remove it from you… As long as you comply with this, you shall be able to do what you desire with your life."
"Hmm... If you put it that way, I suppose it does benefit me." Despite having responded in this manner, Subaru looked askance at Pandora as he again put some distance between the two of them and deposited the Gospel in one of the back pockets of his pants.
"My purpose in coming to this accursed city has already been fulfilled, so it is my time to depart. Bishop Natsuki, I shall look forward to the time when you and I can meet again. Until then, I will be keeping a keen eye on your exploits as one of my Sin Archbishops... Now, I do not doubt that you have spent a great deal of time conversing with myself, but if you still wish me to dispel any of your doubts, I shall gladly do so."
"What am I supposed to do now?" Asked Subaru immediately, once Pandora finished speaking. "Now that I've agreed to join the Witch Cult, I don't know how I'm supposed to proceed. How do I find Anastasia? How do I find Gluttony?" For dozens of loops, the only path before him had been death, and though he had finally received the power he so longed for, he still felt as utterly lost as before.
"Worry not, Bishop Natsuki. Head to the castle, interact with all your allies and wait for the first scriptures of your Gospel to appear. Then you shall know what you must do." Having heard this, Subaru nodded, still with doubts and questions fluttering in his head; was that it? "Anything else you wish to ask me?"
"No... I think I've already asked you everything I wanted to ask you, Pandora-sama."
"If so... Archbishop Natsuki is free of all pain. There, now you shall be able to get to the castle without any problems. With that done..." And it was those words that caused two figures to suddenly appear behind Pandora.
Stunned, Subaru observed the newcomers. Both were wearing the characteristic black robes used by the Witch Cult, because of this it was difficult to determine what they looked like. However, thanks to the build of each, Subaru was able to discern that they were a man and a woman of average height. Beyond their genders, there was nothing else that stood out about each of them.
Still, there was something that had caught his attention. It did not appear that either of them had been teleported to that area. Subaru had barely been able to perceive it, and had only done so because he had become accustomed to seeing how Halibel moved; they had both arrived from some unknown point in the surrounding area. Subaru all that time had believed that Pandora was alone, and now he realized that he had always been totally wrong.
"W-who are they?" Subaru inquired, slightly intimidated by the cultists. They both exuded such an aura of danger that made him want to flee from there; surprising, considering that not even the witch in front of him had managed to have that effect on him.
"Hmm? You mean my bodyguards? They are but puppets, warriors of old whose bodies I considered it would be a waste to allow to rot and be consumed by maggots."
"I see..." Subaru replied, somewhere between disgusted and fascinated.
"It is true, however, that this particular pair share a rather extraordinary story. Both in life they were husband and wife, unfortunately, they were separated by calamity. It was not until recently that the husband was able to reunite with his beloved wife. A touching denouement, if you ask me."
"Poor bastard..." Subaru muttered, feeling sorry for the dismal fate of that unknown warrior.
"Well then, it is time for us to part, my precious Archbishop of Envy and Wrath. I long for the time when we meet again, and you can regale me with tales of your accomplishments..."
"And I hope that by then the number of Sin Archbishops will've decreased again."
And with those words, Subaru bid farewell to the woman who had both destroyed him, and built him up again. Pandora, her composed countenance completely unchanged, began to walk slowly towards the same alley from which Subaru had emerged before his encounter with her. The witch and her two puppets entered the alley and then finally disappeared from Subaru's sight. It was until then that Subaru heaved a long sigh.
Twenty Minutes since the Last Death (Fifty Deaths)
On this occasion, Subaru did not force Patrasche to run to exhaustion. That seemed to be the final loop, and Subaru did not want to make a mistake he might regret. Therefore, when he came upon the refugee caravan, Subaru signaled Patrasche to move to the side of the road without a word. Therefore, when he reached the entrance of the citadel and a guard prevented his passage, Subaru called out to Ricardo without losing his composure.
"... Hmm... So you guys actually pulled off defeatin' Wrath, but Lust started chasin' after ya shortly afterwards. Damn, boy, and I thought we had it rough." Ricardo replied in shock, after hearing Subaru's report.
"Still, I'm sure Utada was able to hang on until the cult's withdrawal, I've no doubt of that."
"Hah, you sound very confident, kid, but I'm with ya. That bastard's too damn headstrong, he'd never give any member of the Witch Cult the pleasure of killin' him."
"Yes, that's Utada for you..." After replying to Ricardo, Subaru was silent for a couple of seconds before braving to speak again. "Ricardo, I truly regret that the information I gave you didn't stop the Fang of Iron from losing so many valuable members... If only I had given you guys more accurate information, perhaps you would've defeated that damned multi-armed cultist without so much trouble."
"Don' sweat it, boy. We're mercenaries, warriors who fight for money. Whenever we go into combat, we do so with the knowledge that we may never come back. Besides, it's likely that without the information you gave us, we woulda all died without so much as a scratch on that motherfucker; so I thank ya fer that." And with those reassuring words, Ricardo gave Subaru a small pat on the back.
"... Ricardo, I will go to the castle to rendezvous with Halibel, what are you gonna do?"
"I'll go in search of Utada. From what ya told me, I think I know where you guys met Lust. Whether he survived or not, someone needs to go and get 'im."
"Got it... I'll see you at the mansion, then."
This time, the first thing Subaru did was to ask Ricardo about what transpired after they parted ways. Not because Subaru had found it in his heart to regret those deaths, but because he wished to avoid incurring again the anger of the captain of the Fang of Iron, whom he considered a valuable ally. However, the truth was that Subaru, who abhorred his own weakness, felt partially responsible for that massacre. He had undoubtedly been indirectly responsible for many deaths that day.
After saying goodbye to Ricardo, Subaru proceeded on his way, went through the citadel and met the guard who was guarding the entrance to the castle. Ignoring the guard's questions about his reasons for being there, Subaru waited in silence for Maju's appearance; a few minutes passed for that event to take place.
"... So the captain went lookin' fer Utada. If that's the case, I'll stay here to keep lendin' a hand to the healers." This is how Maju responded when informed by Subaru of what had transpired. "I will've to wait so I can inform him 'bout Mimi-chan's condition." She added, distraught. Subaru, despite being aware of the event, failed to hide his dismay. "Subaru-sama! I'm sorry! I-"
"Maju, could you take me to her?" Requested Subaru, interrupting Maju's apologies for her tactlessness. The latter, sympathetic, nodded...
"It can't be... I mean, the prognosis wasn't promisin', but I thought you guys could save her... Kitzu... No, don't blame yourself... I'll... I'll go see her."
When the sorceress spotted her companion crouched next to the entrance of the medical tent, embracing his head, she was quick to run to him, assuming the worst. Silently, Subaru watched as the woman squatted down in front of his friend and grabbed him by the shoulders... The news had been hard for her to digest as well. Subaru waited. The woman walked into the tent and seconds later the sound of her crying reached Subaru's ears. From where he stood, he could see how the mercenary healer covered his ears with his hands.
If he had rushed to arrive as he did in other loops, what happened would have unfolded somewhat differently. However, he had no reason to hurry; the one thing he wished to change would not change, regardless of when he got to the castle. After all, he sincerely wished never to witness Mimi's death again, he wished never to feel so disgustingly helpless again. Subaru knew that even with the power he had acquired, he could do nothing to save her. If he were to arrive sooner, all he would have done is relive the suffering of the previous loops.
Once Maju emerged from the tent and crouched down again beside Kitzu to keep him company, comfort him and be comforted, Subaru finally ventured into the tent. Its poorly lit interior remained the same as in all previous loops. On cots next to Mimi's, healers struggled to save the lives of fatally wounded people.
Ignoring all the hubbub of death that pervaded the place, Subaru slowly approached Mimi. When her pale face and orange hair entered his field of vision, Subaru felt his heart being wrung with melancholy. Since several loops ago, he had assumed that saving Mimi would prove impossible, her destiny had simply drifted too far out of reach, and he had been cast adrift in the fabric of fate. But in that loop he would formally bid farewell to the girl.
With ragged breathing, Subaru stretched out his hand and caressed Mimi's lifeless face. A determined but disconsolate whisper trickled out of his lips.
"Midge... Mimi... I will avenge you. I will make sure to make your killer suffer a tenfold what he made you suffer. I will tear him to pieces, and I will spill every last drop of blood from his mangled body. I promise you, I won't give up; I will live and achieve all my goals. I will never forget you..." And with those parting words, Subaru walked off from the little girl who had made the worst days of his life more bearable and left the medical tent.
Without casting a glance at Maju and Kitzu, Subaru strode through the space that distanced the tent where Mimi was from the tent where Halibel was waiting for him. As usual, the Shinobi was waiting for him leaning on one of the wooden pillars that supported the tent's tarp. Without uttering a word, Subaru stepped into the tent and sat down on a wooden stool placed next to the cot on which Emilia was endlessly rocking back and forth.
"... Did somethin' happen, Su-san?" To Subaru's surprise, the conversation began not as it usually did.
Subaru exchanged glances with Halibel and said. "Whaddya mean?"
"I perceive ya to be different; it's as if your soul has undergone an abrupt metamorphosis."
"In a bad way or a good way?"
"Hmm... It's hard to say, but I'd say in a good way; as far as my interests are concerned, though, then in a good way definitely. The moment ya crossed the threshold of the entrance, I felt shivers all over my body. Now I'm sure, I can feel it; from today your story shall begin, Su-san. That fer which I waited so long's finally here, before me; the moment when you'll set out to change the world." Halibel replied, completely ecstatic.
"Your instincts as keen as ever, eh, Hal-san? I guess you're right, our adventure really is about to begin. I wouldn't so much call it an adventure though, more like an odyssey."
"It will be a pleasure to be at your side, whether we're traversin' stormy forests, icy wastelands, mabeast-infested grasslands or arid deserts, Su-san."
"I'll take your word for it, Hal-san..." And having answered in this way, Subaru fell silent again. There was no longer anything he wished to ask Halibel, there was no longer anything he could do in that castle; he had already tried everything, he had exhausted his attempts, otherwise he would not have accepted Pandora's proposal.
"Won'tcha tell me about what happened? Or if ya don't wish to talk about it, won't you ask me 'bout what happened 'ere?" Halibel inquired, slightly disconcerted.
"I'll tell you about it later, Hal-san. Somewhere where no one can accidentally overhear us."
"Understood."
"And there's no need. You're right about something having happened, and it's because of it that I'm aware of everything that took place here in the castle."
"Eh? That certainly sounds like your Divine Protection was triggered, Su-san."
"That and more, Hal-san. But as I just told ya, I'll tell you about it later. For now we'll wait in silence."
"Are ya waitin' fer somethin' to happen?" Subaru answered Halibel's question by nodding. From that moment on, they both waited in complete silence...
Something had to occur, something had to shift in the atmosphere. Subaru waited patiently for several minutes. However, Subaru soon began to grow impatient; the longer the time went on, the more his uneasiness increased. Nothing had changed, everything was still the same. Had Pandora lied to him? Until then it did not seem that Pandora had lied to him about anything, but maybe she had... If everything remained the same, then his sacrifice had been in vain. If that proved to be the case...
"Oh!" Subaru exclaimed and hurriedly pulled out the black book stored in the back of his pants. He opened it and found writings on the first page, which he proceeded to read. In the recesses obscured by the opulent and conceited nobility, in the nooks and crannies that those with power neglect and strive to conceal, there where rats may thrive, lies that which only you yearn for and no one else. "... Whatever's that supposed to mean? Do I have to search every alley in the nobility's district?" Muttered Subaru, chagrined.
"Somethin' the matter, Su-san?"
"No... Well, yes. I must leave. I need you to stay here and wait. If nothing remarkable has happened in an hour, head for the mansion. Take with you that purple-haired knight, and Emilia and Ram; in case someone comes for Emilia, tell them that the Fang of Iron will take over as per the contract established with that Roswaal guy. Coming from you, for sure they'll take it seriously."
"Gotcha... But why should I brin' the knight?"
"He's important, that's all you need to know." Subaru replied as he headed for the exit of the tent. "Hal-san, if something remarkable should really happen, contact me through the metia."
"That I will, Su-san. I'll see ya at the Ryuushika Mansion."
Fifty Minutes since the Last Death (Fifty Deaths)
Searching in the nooks and crannies? Why would Anastasia be there? Subaru had no doubt about it, Pandora was at fault. Using her Authority, she had moved Anastasia from the castle to somewhere he could never find her no matter how hard he looked. Contempt directed towards Pandora began to boil within him, but it was quickly quelled by discordant gratitude.
Perhaps Pandora's methods had been despicable, but in the end she had genuinely granted him power. Subaru could have survived the previous cycles of death using only Return by Death, but that method was bound to fail eventually; it was the chronicle of a death foretold. He who was powerless would have failed sooner or later if he did not receive a power like the Authority of Wrath. Hence he simply could not wholeheartedly hate Pandora; she was his enemy, but above all she was his savior.
"Argh! Still, why did she have to make it so hard for me to find Anastasia? I already agreed to her damn deal, was it so hard to make her appear before me?" Subaru muttered, annoyed. Several minutes ago he had left the citadel that preceded the castle behind and had begun to inspect the nearby alleys on Patrasche's back.
One by one, he had ruled out those that looked utterly desolate. Those where he had heard noise or perceived signs of movement, he had inspected more thoroughly. On more than one occasion he had encountered frightened civilians who seemed not to have noticed that the Witch Cult's assault had already ended. Without a word, Subaru had ridden off from the unfortunates and continued his search.
It was paramount that he always had his priorities absolutely clear, or else he would again be overwhelmed by the weight of his own actions and lack thereof. It was true that he had received power, but he would only use it to achieve his current goals. He would never again pretend to carry more than he was capable of. He could not allow such a day to repeat itself.
Subaru, riding Patrasche, peered into an alley that split into an intricate network of narrow alleyways. He signaled his earth dragon to stop and paid close attention to the sounds coming from the alleyway. "... Everything... I've lost everything... All those years of strenuous effort have turned out to be in vain..." In this one he could catch the plaintive echo of a voice faded by the wind and the distance. His heart skipped a beat; he would recognize that voice anywhere, no matter how distorted it was.
"Let's go, Patrasche." He indicated to his dragon. The animal obeyed him and entered the alley that deceptively appeared to be desolate.
Without making a sound, Subaru used the sporadic echoes of that familiar voice as a trail to locate its source. Left, right, right, right, left... He soon realized that rather than an alleyway, this place looked like a maze. Compounding his misfortune, that voice had stopped wafting towards him. Fearing that he had lost track of it, Subaru was ready to call out to it, when he finally caught sight of her. Deep in a narrow alley that stretched to his left, in a filthy, neglected corner, lay a petite, purple-haired woman.
"Ana..." Subaru whispered, trailing off almost mid-word. He could not let himself get carried away, maybe his eyes were playing tricks on him. Would that be another one of Pandora's cursed ordeals? Subaru hopped off Patrasche, placed the reinvented weapon on Patrasche's back, and silently approached the figure. As if afraid of scaring her away, as if afraid that upon seeing him, she would blur into thin air, Subaru moved cautiously towards her.
"It was all for naught... It's like I'm right back where I started..." Mumbled the figure, mournfully. By then, Subaru was already less than a yard away from her. Subaru was not as good at hiding his presence as Halibel, therefore, the figure finally perceived that someone had sneaked up on her and startled looked up at Subaru. On the corpse-pale skin of her face was etched an expression of surprise and disbelief. "Huh?! Natsuki-kun, is that you? You're alive! Are you okay? Did something happen to you?" It did not take long for the figure to recognize him.
"..." Subaru, rendered speechless, merely stared in a trance-like state at the face of this person; Anastasia.
There was no doubt, it was her. She was there, right in front of him. How long had it been since he had last seen her? In real time, probably a few hours. But to him, who perceived time in a different manner than the usual, it felt as if months, even years, had passed. Dozens of times he had died since the last time he heard her mellow voice.
"It's no use... You don't know who I am, do ya? You've no idea who this pathetic girl before you is, even though we've spent so much time together over the past year." Anastasia shook her head, thus trying to conceal the melancholy that crept into her features. Supporting herself with her hands on the wall she had been leaning her back against, Anastasia rose to her feet. "Once again I'm a nameless gal, without so much as a single possession other than my own body... I guess this's what I was always doomed to be..."
"..." Anastasia stared into Subaru's eyes, who remained motionless, like a statue, and mistakenly interpreted Subaru's vacant look as meaning that he had not, in fact, recognized her.
"I guess you're wondering what nonsense I'm talking 'bout; I'm sorry to bother you. I was just about to leave, so you won't have to keep staring at this unsightly nameless gal." And with those words, Anastasia turned her back on Subaru and began to walk off in the direction of one of the alley exits.
However, she was pulled abruptly to a halt. Feeling pressure on her abdomen, Anastasia lowered her gaze and could see that Subaru's hands now encircled her upper abdomen, just below her bust. Having been taken by surprise, Anastasia was unable to utter a word; her mind was thrown into utter turmoil.
"Ana..." And it was the moment she heard that word come out of Subaru's mouth, that Anastasia lost the ability to breathe. "Anastasia... I... I remember you, so please, I beg you, don't take another step... You... don't... You don't know how hard I tried to see you again, and I'd be crushed if you were to vanish again." Subaru, who had lost his speech from the shock, finally snapped out of it and revealed the truth to Anastasia; she had not yet been completely forgotten by that bleak world.
"Natsuki-kun... I..." The roles had been reversed, now it was Anastasia who had been rendered speechless by shock.
"You aren't alone... I remember you Anastasia... So it's not true that you have lost everything... It's not true that everything we shared together during the last year has faded away... I... I remember you, Anastasia... And I would never be able to forget you, not after the impact you've had on my life... Without you... Without you I don't know what would've become of me... So I beg of you, don't leave... Don't leave... Don't fade away ever again... Please... I... I remember you... I... I-I..." Subaru, who had struggled to keep his composure, began to stutter, at the same time as his eyes watered and tears began to soak his face.
Subaru's grip gradually lost strength. Subaru, unable to stand, fell to his knees. Having lost the strength in his arms, Subaru finally released Anastasia and put his hands on the ground. However, his arms gave way and Subaru fell completely to the ground, his face drenched with nasal secretions and tears. Unable to hold back any longer, Subaru cried hard; a cry equivalent to the first rain in a desert after years of drought.
Anastasia, dumbfounded, spun around to find Subaru lying on the floor, curled up in a ball. Silently, the girl sat down next to Subaru and placed his head on her slender legs, thus giving him a lap pillow. Despite this, Subaru's loud crying did not stop. After all, that was nothing more than the cathartic outlet for a toxic amalgam of negative emotions that had welled up in his heart. Mimi's death, Pandora's deal, Anastasia's disappearance and their longed-for reunion, the pain of death, the imminent waning of his sanity, the hatred for Gluttony and Lust, the despair and frustration born of his eternal powerlessness.
And the truth is that Subaru would have continued to cry on Anastasia's lap, had it not been for the fact that he felt a drop of warm liquid from an unknown source fall on his forehead. This drop quickly became two, and these two became four; soon his forehead was as wet as the rest of his face. Unbeknownst to him, Anastasia, who had been trying to comfort an emotionally broken Subaru, had at some point bent her head down, wrapped her arms around Subaru's head and burst into tears. The dam of emotions had collapsed; silently, Anastasia had also begun to cry.
What had begun as a silent cry soon turned into audible sobs. And Subaru, who throughout that loop had been hypocritically unable to empathize with the pain of others, finally recognized that he was not the only one who had experienced heartbreaking situations. Having come to this realization, with tears still welling up in his eyes, Subaru pulled himself upright, got down on his knees and hugged Anastasia tightly.
The two young adults shared a sorrowful but heartfelt embrace. Anastasia, who had silently longed for emotional support, rested her forehead on Subaru's shoulder and gave vent to her emotions. The loss of sanity of her knight, Felix, the attack of the Witch Cult and the mysterious young man who claimed to be Gluttony, the pain of having witnessed Mimi's death, the shock of realizing that her existence had been devoured, the traumatic regressive experience of having internalized that she had to start from zero, the desolate feeling of having lost everything she had worked for and of having lost all the people she had met along the way. Anastasia, who had always kept her composure, cried without any emotional restraint, together with Subaru.
It took several minutes for Subaru and Anastasia to compose themselves. Having vented the feelings they had repressed in their hearts, they both sat down next to each other. With their hands clasped together and their fingers intertwined, Subaru and Anastasia shared that moment in silence. Both of them had bloodshot, swollen eyes, and their faces were red and drenched, but neither made an attempt to wipe them away. In that instant, neither of them had anything to look like or pretend.
"… Natsuki-kun, am I wrong for craving not to be alone? Don't you think I'm being too pitiful for being so afraid of loneliness?" Anastasia inquired in a slightly hoarse voice.
"No, you aren't. It's completely understandable for you to feel that way, we humans are a social creature, after all."
"A social creature, huh? You're right..." Once again, they both remained silent; but it was certainly not an awkward or tense silence, quite the opposite. Anastasia slowly dropped her head on Subaru's shoulder; he startled a little at the sensation of the contact, but his breathing quickly calmed down and steadied, thus synchronizing with Anastasia's.
"... Anastasia... Before I came here, even before I got to the castle, I met a person. This person turned out to be the leader of the Witch Cult... And I... I agreed to join 'em." Subaru bluntly revealed; the truth was that he really needed to open up to someone about it. Now that he had achieved his main goal in the short term, Subaru was unable to hide that ominous truth any longer. Anastasia shook her head slightly, but ultimately did not remove it from Subaru's shoulder.
"Why would ya do such a thing?" Anastasia asked him calmly; it was obvious that before judging Subaru for it, she would wait patiently for him to elaborate on his reasons.
"... A lot happened, Anastasia. I suppose you know this, but a new Archbishop of Gluttony appeared; cause of it, your existence was consumed. Also, I found out that the Archbishop of Lust knows the identity of the person who sent those assassins after us in Priestella. If I wanted to have a chance of finding them both, it was necessary for me to join the cult."
"Don't you reckon you're in great danger by doing that, Natsuki-kun?" Anastasia inquired, her tone of voice laden with concern. "What do you expect to achieve with it? Revenge? Is it really worth sacrificin' your life for?"
"No... It's not just for the sake of revenge. Anastasia, you do remember, don't you? What the captain of the Royal Guard said about what was discovered thanks to Wilhelm-san; if you kill Gluttony, the memories and names devoured by him will return to their owners. So... Anastasia, I'll get your name back, you just wait, I'll do whatever it takes to give you back everything that has been taken from you. And then, we will both achieve our goals... together."
"Natsuki-kun... I've lost everything, you aren't mistaken... It's been taken away from me... But that really shouldn't affect you, should it? It's not good to have such a selective memory; Marcos also mentioned that the moment a person's devoured by Gluttony, apparently reality adapts to a world where this one doesn't exist. I'm sure you'll be able to continue workin' fer me... for the company I used to own. So you probably have nothing to gain by trying so hard to find the new Archbishop of Gluttony... Besides, you're not a warrior, Natsuki-kun... As I told you before, no one expects you to risk your life; that's not your responsibility... So, is it really worth puttin' yourself at risk just to get back what I lost?"
Anastasia claimed that she was not worth Subaru sacrificing for her, but it was clear that she was merely projecting her way of thinking and dealing with situations onto Subaru; she, who only sought self-benefit, did not expect Subaru to save her out of pure altruism. Still, the truth was that Subaru was not doing it out of pure generosity; just because she was her, he was willing to go to such lengths.
"Anastasia... When I agreed to work for the Hoshin Company, I agreed to work for you. I don't care who owns the company now, Finn or whoever, I'll only work for you; and no one else but you. Without you, I myself will be unable to achieve my goals. And it's true that you told me that you didn't expect me to act as a mercenary or a knight, but I remember perfectly well that I replied that I did expect myself to be able to at least protect you and the triplets... I already failed to protect 'em, I can't afford to lose you too..."
Sighing deeply, Anastasia stopped resting her head on Subaru's shoulder; Subaru instinctively turned to her, and in consequence the two of them came face to face. "So you heard 'bout what happened with Mimi…?" Subaru, realizing that he had made a similar mistake as Maju had made with him, nodded ruefully. "D-Did she die?"
Subaru did not answer, but his expression said it all. Anastasia, without another word, rested her head on Subaru's shoulder again, this time hiding her face. From the way her back was trembling lightly, it was evident that she was sobbing. Subaru felt unable to say anything that could comfort the girl, so he merely stroked her back as he continued with what he was saying.
"Anastasia, more than once you told me that I had no reason to feel indebted to you, but you should know very well that I simply cannot dismiss everything you have done for me since we met. It may sound pathetic and kinda unhealthy... but the truth's that I need you. You are the reason why I haven't given up, even when I have been on the verge of falling apart... Anastasia, I'll do whatever it takes to return to you what has been unjustly taken from you; not only for your sake, but also for my own." Subaru declared, gazing up at the sky.
"So that's your greed..." Anastasia whispered; even so, since her mouth was so close to Subaru's left ear, he heard her loud and clear. After a few seconds, Anastasia lifted her head up again and stared at Subaru. "Natsuki-kun, even though we've known each other for over a year, I feel like I don't know a great deal about you. I still find it hard to believe that you hail from beyond the Great Waterfall, but there's no doubtin' that your origin is quite a mystery. For the same reason, you have always been extremely curious to me; from the moment I discovered that no amount of money would get me to know about your past before suddenly appearing in Lugunica, I've found myself very interested in you… Drawn to ya."
"..." Subaru, feeling moved by Anastasia's revelation, gazed raptly into her aqua green eyes.
"Don't know how it happened, but before I appeared in this alley, I was transported in front of Ricardo. He, like Halibel-san and Ram-san, failed to recognize me." Halibel? Subaru immediately inferred that she was talking about the clone. That implied that before Halibel's clone was destroyed, it actually found Anastasia. On the other hand, what did she mean by having been transported?
"Transported?" Subaru murmured, thoughtfully.
Without a doubt, this was the work of no one but Pandora; his suspicions had been borne out. That damned witch had orchestrated everything in such a way that Subaru would find it impossible to refuse her offer. That cunning woman had rendered Return for Dead utterly useless. Understanding this vexed him, and yet at the same time, he could not help but admire the craftiness of the woman he would henceforth consider his mistress.
"Yeah. I've no idea how it happened. One moment I was next to Emilia-san and the next I was standing in front of Ricardo. After everything that happened in the castle, I figured he wouldn't recognize me; still, hearing him ask for my name was more distressing than I thought... At that point all I thought was to get out of there, but then everything went black, and I woke up in this alley..."Anastasia made a short pause to emphasize what she was saying by glancing about the gloomy place. After that she continued. "What I'm getting at, Natsuki-kun, is that even though my lifelong partner forgot me completely, you're able to remember me. You're probably the only person who remembers me in the whole world... That's more than enough reason to peak my interest in you even further, don'tcha think?"
"..." Unsure how to respond, Subaru opted to remain silent. This elicited a soft chuckle from Anastasia.
"You've always underestimated and undervalued yourself, Natsuki-kun. You're an amazing person, you should seriously value yourself more... So I guess in that respect you do need me, to constantly remind you of how valuable and incredible you are. Thus, I wish to ask of you to let me accompany you wherever you go, Natsuki-kun; allow me to follow ya on your way."
"F-Follow me?" Subaru asked, confused.
"Yes, follow you. After all, you do profess to need me, and now that you're the only one capable of rememberin' me, then I need ya as much, if not more, than you need me. We need each other, so it's in our best interest not to be separated, wouldn't ya say?" Anastasia said, tilting her head ever so slightly with a tender expression.
"... But... Anastasia, I'll most likely have to leave the city for a while, it's also likely that I will've to travel this world doing missions for the Witch Cult while I search for Gluttony and Lust. It's too dangerous... I... I could convince Ricardo to let you stay in your mansion while I recover-"
"It won't do." Anastasia curtly stated. "As I find myself at the moment, I've no business in that mansion. That place will only serve to remind me of what was stolen from me, so I want to travel with you and build new memories. For as long as I can remember, all I've done is work my way up the ranks within companies. I want to experience things that I didn't experience during my childhood and teenage years. Besides, don't think that I'll be a burden. An experienced merchant is always necessary when travelin' the roads and cities of this world, or else you'll be duped into empty pockets. Don't forget that I made a big investment in you, so I must make sure you survive this journey of yours."
Taking a deep breath, Subaru scratched his head vigorously. He felt defeated. "Fine. You can come with me, but please don't do anything too risky when things get dicey."
"Don'tcha think I should be the one to say that?" She countered, with a grin.
"Anyway... I want us to go on that date you promised me, though." Subaru declared, smiling back at her.
"Date...? Ah! Right, we agreed that we would go celebrate the anniversary of the signing of the agreement between my company and your Reinvention Association... We also agreed that you would officially join my camp..." Anastasia murmured, the smile on her face melting away.
"I guess that last one we can't do until Gluttony's dead..." Subaru said, determination burning in his gaze. Anastasia, noticing the look on Subaru's face, regained her smile.
"Yeah, in that case we'll celebrate together the anniversary of your joining my company, and then, when we've settled all this, everyone will be informed that as of today you were part of my camp."
"Today?" Subaru inquired in confusion.
"Yes, why wait? The others can learn 'bout it later. 'Sides, right now my camp will be just you and me, don'tcha thunk?" Anastasia smilingly claimed. A smile that rubbed off on Subaru.
"You can put Kararagi's strongest warrior on the list too!" Subaru exclaimed brimming with enthusiasm.
"Halibel-san? Why him?" Noting the puzzlement on Anastasia's countenance, Subaru remembered that she was unaware of the true relationship between him and Halibel.
"I'll explain later. For now we should get out of this damn alley and get back to the mansion. I know you don't want to be there, but I need to collect a bunch of stuff..."
Anastasia nodded understandingly. "I understand. If it's a couple of days, I guess I can handle being a guest in my own mansion." As Anastasia said this, Subaru stood up.
"C'mon, there's someone I want to introduce ya to." Subaru said, reaching out his hand towards Anastasia. Anastasia took it and Subaru pulled on her hand to help her up. Then, Subaru led Anastasia by the hand to where Patrasche was, their way out of that place.
As they strode towards the earth dragon, so as to ride out of that intricate alleyway, Subaru could not help but feel the smooth texture of Anastasia's skin. That sensation of his skin in contact with hers, and the feeling of their sweat intermingling, told Subaru that everything that had just happened had not been a mere precious illusion. Subaru took his time to enjoy the heat emanating from Anastasia...
That warmth, it was proof that she was alive; his weakness almost rendered him unable to experience that sensation. If he wished to recover her name, Anastasia's existence, without losing her in the process, he would need to retain his power; no, that would not prove sufficient, he would need to increase his power, he would need to increase his power, and if possible, his number of allies.
If he lost the power Pandora had granted him, then he would lose Anastasia; if that were to happen a second time, there was no assurance that he could get her back once again. It was at that instant that Subaru truly comprehended that he would have to take his title as Sin's Archbishop seriously. If it meant ensuring Anastasia's safety, recovering her name and taking revenge on those who had caused all his suffering, Subaru was willing to go to any lengths necessary.
Upon introducing Patrasche to Anastasia, Subaru helped her onto the earth dragon and then proceeded to mount it himself. Anastasia's warmth was now transmitted to him through the contact of her chest against his back... Keeping that warmth ablaze would be his top priority; he would gather warriors under his command and transform them into cultists of the witch, slay Sin Archbishops and strip them of their Authorities, thus ensuring that Anastasia regained her name and successfully took the throne of Lugunica.
"I'll do whatever it takes to achieve my goals... and hers; no matter what it takes, there's no turning back now. This is the path I chose." That soliloquy, unheard by Anastasia, marked the true birth of the Sin Archbishop of Envy and Wrath, Natsuki Subaru; later known as the Witch's Apostle, harbinger of despair.
END OF ARC III
And thus ends arc 3, the longest arc of the fanfic, the following ones will be more focused on Subaru pursuing his goals, his relationships and how he deals with being one of the monsters that steals the sleep of the inhabitants of that world.
I really hope you guys enjoyed Arc 3, The Call of the Five Sinners, I know there were times when it felt a bit too stretched out, I felt that way too, but as I said once before, there really was a lot I wanted to cover in this arc, and I failed to compress it. Would you believe me if I told you that this story was planned to be of a similar length to Tappei's What if stories? Still, I'm personally satisfied with the result, so I ain't gonna complain either; I hope you share my opinion.
Now, regarding the chapter, Subaru was reunited with Anastasia, but he failed to prevent Mimi's death and Julius is still in comatose state. Now is when what happened at the end of the previous arc takes relevance. Subaru has no reason to go to the Pleiades Watchtower, he believes that killing Roy will be enough to recover the devoured memories, and this will ignite the flame of the next arc's conflict.
In the next arc, the relationship between Subaru and Anastasia will gain relevance, and Halibel will finally become Subaru's right hand. Before, Subaru needed Halibel, but he refused to accept it. Before, Subaru needed Anastasia, but Anastasia didn't need him as much as he needed her. Now, all this will change.
Anyway, before I say goodbye, I want to give a little announcement. As I said before, this arc took longer than planned, and the truth is that it wore me out mentally more than I would have ever thought. So, I'll be taking a couple of weeks or so off. But I promise to be back with more chapters of this fic that I so enjoy writing. As always, thanks for the huge support you've been giving me, it really motivates me a lot. Till next time. Geisterivain will be back.
What is this? Why am I still writing even though I have already said goodbye? Well, this is information for those who are curious. I'm going to show you the notes I made about Subaru's first authority (don't expect something too polished, it's what I wrote while I was planning it). So, those of you who may not understand too much about Subaru's Authority of Wrath will hopefully understand it better.
Wrath (Voodoo of Despair): Very Compatible. Can alter the sensations of others at will; but the effect is limited by the willpower of the person affected. The effects of sensations can be physically manifested; Subaru can cause others to die as he has died, but the effect diminishes the greater the target's willpower, so he may be limited to only causing pain in the target. He can only transmit pain that he himself remembers having experienced. It can affect several people, but the more people it affects, the lesser its effect and the greater the backlash. It is based on Sirius' authority, but if he or someone affected by the authority dies, the effect of death is not shared. He has backlash, it is normal that he himself feels the pain he wishes to inflict on others; as if his body itself remembers it. Subaru is like a living voodoo doll. He only affects those he can see. The star Sirius was called hunter or deer hunter in some cultures; this is why he affects everything he sees, like the gaze of a hunter. He acquires it by his burning desire to make others feel the same as he does. The more strongly etched the pain is in his mind, the more effective the authority will be. The most recent sensations are more useful, therefore, those that are more present in his mind; thus, breaking the taboo of the shadow makes it possible to have a greater effect on his target in a pinch…