Chapter 6: Avoidance
Everything about your friendship with Brittany changes on the Thursday before Christmas break.
"Can I ask you something?" Brittany turns to you as soon as Will starts his sermon. Per usual, the both of you are tucked away in the back corner of the auditorium manning the sound booth.
The tone of her voice scares you. You don't think you've ever heard her sounding this cautious so you're not sure if that's a good or bad thing. You nod though, encouraging her to continue.
"Why haven't you come to Sunday services, yet?"
At her question, your eyes widen. Of all the things she could've asked about, you weren't expecting that.
Brittany had told you when you first met that she wouldn't pressure you, but it's been four months now and she has a right to be at least be a little curious. So far she's been good about not bringing up the topic of religion. You know it's because she's respecting your privacy, but you can't help but wonder if there's a part of Brittany that you're not privy to because of it. You don't like the idea that she doesn't talk to you about certain things because she thinks you won't understand.
She shifts slightly and speaks up again. "If you still don't want to talk about it, I'll understand, but you mentioned something happened to you before, at another church. Was it really that serious?"
You sigh, looking away towards the stage. You knew this was going to come up sooner or later. Brittany's your best friend and at some point, you knew you'd have to come clean. You just wish it wasn't right now, during chapel, in the middle of a church.
"We're best friends, right?" You ask, not daring to look to your right for her answer, you already know she's nodding. "And if I told you this, will you promise me you won't freak out?"
"Santana, you're scaring me." Brittany's voice is laced with worry now. She turns to face you fully and you chance a glance to your right. Concern written all over her features, she reaches out and holds your hand tightly to comfort you. It results in the opposite effect however, making you even more nervous.
It's now or never.
"I was outed." You take a breath, watching her face carefully. "Or more like forced out. The church my family attended for as long as I could remember made sure I knew I wasn't welcome anymore." You're hopeful that she'll understand what you're saying without having to explain further. Your eyes hold hers as you try to interpret her reaction.
You watch as Brittany thinks over your words for a minute, but it doesn't seem to be connecting for her. "I don't understand." She finally says, shaking her head slowly. "Are you saying they banned you from going back to church? Why would they even do that? How-"
"Brittany." You stop her, "I was forced out." You emphasize the 'out' this time because maybe she'll catch the hint. Taking another breath, you prepare yourself for what's to come.
You're scared of losing her. You actually pray you don't.
Brittany's face still reads as confused until finally it clicks, and she suddenly lets go of your hand. "Oh." Your chest aches at the loss of contact and you break eye contact immediately. "Oh. Oh my god." She says, probably to herself. You can feel her staring at you until eventually she looks away.
You close your eyes, begging your tears to stay where they are. "Shit, I'm sorry, Britt. I shouldn't have told you this yet. This isn't the time or place." When you open your eyes again, she's noticeably uncomfortable.
She shakes her head and turns her body away from you so that she's facing the front again. "No, it's not that, I just- I mean-" you watch as she wrings her hands in front of her, "I'm sorry, I'm kind of at a loss for words, right now."
"I don't want you to think I was avoiding it for no reason. It's a long story but as soon as I was old enough, I got out of Ohio. I left that whole life behind."
Maybe you can talk your way around this.
"So..." She looks awkwardly at you, "So you aren't… um…"
Shit. You can't lie to her. "I am." You say quickly, a little too quickly. "I mean, I am… that." A lesbian. "But the church convinced my parents to put me through 'healing' therapy sessions. It was horrible. That's why I'm so reluctant, Britt. I haven't really attended a real church service in more than ten years now."
Brittany shifts uncomfortably again and you know it's a losing battle. No matter how you frame it.
You dreaded this conversation. You knew that once Brittany found out about what happened, it would definitely change things between you too.
Now that Brittany knows about your past, and your preferences, you know she's probably pulling into question all of the conversations you've had with her over the past four months. She's probably mentally going over every interaction, picking it apart one by one, reexamining your intentions.
You hate this feeling. You hate the idea that Brittany is realizing that your innocent flirting might not have been so innocent after all. You feel dirty. Like you were taking advantage of her natural charm and sweet demeanor.
You push down the thought that you probably were.
You're so fucking selfish. You didn't want to stop. You wanted it to go on because you secretly wished – no, hoped – that maybe this time it would all work out in the end. You should've known better. You did know better.
"And that means, you're actually waiting on a princess?" She looks at you and you're reminded of the conversation you had on her couch after watching Sleeping Beauty. She scrunches up her face, "A Princess... Phyllis?"
Even in a state of panic, Brittany somehow still manages to make you smile, "Well, I'm not so sure about that name but, yeah Britt, I'm waiting on a princess."
Her eyes linger on yours for a moment, and your mind finds a sliver of hope. Maybe you've been overthinking all of this. Maybe you're being dramatic for no good reason. It isn't until she mumbles a quiet 'I see' and looks away from you that you realize this really isn't going to go in the direction you hoped. You duck your head in shame and for the first time since working here, you feel trapped in this booth.
The rest of chapel is spent in silence between the two of you. You don't make any more attempts to talk to her or reason with her. You know she needs time to fully digest this new information. She's a good Christian girl after all. Actually, she's the perfect Christian girl. She's practically the school's golden child.
On the walk back to the school building, she tells you that she can't have lunch with you today because she forgot she had to take care of some things. You don't even question her. When you get inside, she offers you an apologetic smile and walks away. You don't go after her.
You don't see her for the rest of the day.
By the next day, you're determined to let Brittany decide where your relationship stands. You don't make any attempts to push her or make her feel more uncomfortable than she clearly already does.
It's the last school day before Christmas break and you've decided to not go to Brittany's classroom for lunch, even if she never officially 'uninvited' you this time. Instead, you're spending your lunch period in the teacher's lounge. Secretly, you hope she would walk in to ask you why you are sitting in here and not in her room. That doesn't happen though.
"Why, hello there, Santana." You lift your head and see Mrs. Miller, smiling down at you. You smile in return and she takes a seat across from you. It's weird interacting with other teachers, mainly because you've been spending most of your time with Brittany.
"Not eating with Brittany today?" She asks, and you shake your head. She must've gotten the hint that you're not really in a talking mood because she doesn't pry any further. The room is quiet, except for a few other teachers coming in and out to heat up their food or pour some coffee.
Another teacher sits at your table and he greets you both. "Santana, it's nice to finally sit with you," he laughs, "Brittany's been monopolizing you." You force yourself to laugh at his joke. Mr. Liu is a nice enough man but right now you didn't need to be reminded a second time that Brittany isn't talking to you.
"Any fun plans for Christmas?" he asks you. You shake your head in response and when they both look at you like they're expecting you to continue, you sigh.
"I don't have any family here. They're all back in Ohio." You explain, but they still look at you for more. "I'm not really close with them anyways."
"That's so sad." Mrs. Miller looks at you with sympathy. She's an older woman so you think she probably takes on the motherly role for a lot of the younger teachers. That's also why you don't address her as Teresa, it would feel weird to do so. "You'll be coming to the staff party on Christmas Eve then, right?"
You hadn't planned on it. But then again you were waiting to see if Brittany was going before making your decision. You guess now you really shouldn't either way. You know you'll stick out like a sore thumb and you don't really feel like you're up for socializing with the other teachers.
"You have to come." Mr. Liu speaks up, "At the very least you'll be fed a nice meal for Christmas. You don't even have to bring anything."
Same as Mrs. Miller, Mr. Liu has been teaching at Grace Christian Academy for more than 20 years. Together, they're the last of the OG staff still working here. They probably know Brittany more than her own parents. They helped shape her into who she is now.
"I don't know…"
"Oh, come on," the older woman pleads, "It'll at least give the rest of us a chance to get to know you. I'm just going to put your name down." She decides for you and you don't fight her on it. She has a point. If you no longer have a best friend, you need to start getting along with the other teachers.
"Perfect." Mr. Liu stands, "I'll see you ladies next week at the party." He excuses himself and the bell rings shortly after.
When you're walking back to your classroom you see Brittany walking down the same hall. When she looks up and sees you, she stops. Then she awkwardly stumbles on whether or not she wants to walk past you or turn around.
You try not to feel hurt when she decides to turn around, heading back the way she was coming from. You make it to your classroom and turn on your laptop. You have your free period now and you don't know what to do.
Yesterday, after you didn't have lunch together, you knew it would've been weird for you to go and sit in her class like you usually would. You tried your best to keep busy, re-organizing your room and performing some light cleaning.
Now, you find yourself staring at the chat you have with Brittany, trying to talk yourself down from messaging her. You thought she needed some time but after what just happened in the hallway, you can't help but feel like you've ruined things between the two of you. You know she has every reason to be wary of you, but is it enough for her to actively avoid you?
Lopez, S: Are you mad at me?
You stare at the message you just sent and cringe. So smooth. You hadn't expected to actually press send but your stupid finger acted on their own. But when you see that Brittany has read your message and has begun typing, you pull your chair closer to your desk in anticipation.
Pierce, B: I'm so embarrassed. I don't know why I did that…
She's talking about the fact that she very obviously turned and walked away when she saw you. She knows it hurt you, but you're glad she's at least still talking to you. You try your hand and send her another message.
Lopez, S: I'm still the same person, B.
You watch your screen as you wait for her response. It shows her typing for more than a few minutes and the anxiety from waiting rises quickly. You can feel your chest tighten and your breath shorten.
Finally, Brittany's response comes in.
Pierce, B: I know, I'm sorry. I just need some time, okay?
It's short. Too short for the amount of time she spent 'typing' but you understand. You got the message loud and clear. Not wanting to push any further, you close the chat, determined to give her the space she needs. You're at least grateful that it's Christmas break for the next three weeks. You don't want to have any more awkward lunches with Mrs. Miller and Mr. Liu.
The following week passes slowly. You do your best to keep busy, but you hate leaving your house. Every time you do you're met with Christmas cheer and you can't stand it. The holiday season is never easy for you because you're constantly reminded that you have no one, no family. You've tried the whole 'going home for Christmas' thing a few times but that always ended in a family screaming match.
Your parents don't approve of your lifestyle and sure, the world has changed since then but your parents still haven't. It's better to just keep your distance. You even used to send them Christmas cards with updates on your life after you stopped going home for the holidays, but they never once returned the gesture. It's been about two years now since you've sent them anything at all.
Your mind wanders to Brittany and the fact that she has an entire support system here. How she probably never felt alone the way you did. Or do. You want to ask her how that feels but you're in no position to do that anymore.
Now that it's been a week into Christmas break you actually kind of hate it. You hate not knowing where you stand with Brittany. You hate not being able to see her face. At least then you could get a clue of what she's thinking. When you saw her avoiding you, you knew for sure she wasn't ready to talk.
Being on break means you can't even get that. It's Schrodinger's Cat, your relationship with Brittany being both alive and dead.
You're stuck in limbo.
The last few days have also forced you to give up on telling yourself that you only want Brittany to go back to being just your best friend. You've known for a long time now that you've developed these intense feelings for her. It's not like you could've stopped yourself even if you tried. But, at the very least, you want things to go back to the way they were, with Brittany being oblivious to your pinning.
It was safer that way.
Now, the only thing you have to look forward to is possibly seeing Brittany at the staff Christmas party tomorrow. You turn your head on the couch to look at the small gift box on the coffee table. It's a small gold anklet with a cross pendent. When you were out shopping a month ago you saw it and immediately thought of it as the perfect Christmas gift for Brittany.
You wanted to give her something that shows you care about her. All of her. Even her faith. You think back to when she told you she doesn't have friends outside of the church anymore. You can't believe that anyone would stop being her friend over something as trivial as that. You know it's a big part of her life.
You turn your head away and groan. You don't know if you can give that to her now. You don't know if she'll even accept it.
After about an hour of sulking, you get up from your couch and put the gift box in your purse. You've decided to give it to Brittany tomorrow at the party. You hope she's there.