Chapter 7: Christmas
It's the day of the Christmas Eve party and you have no idea what to wear tonight. Naturally, your first instinct would be to call Brittany and ask but that obviously is out of the question. You decide to play it safe by choosing something that's not too dressed up and still conservative enough. You settle on an old red dress of yours, tight but not too tight, and short but not too short.
You also make sure to head to the grocery store to pick up the ingredients for guacamole. Mr. Liu told you not to bring anything but you know it's a potluck, so it would be rude of you not to. Once the guacamole is done and safely stowed in the refrigerator, you get a chance to sit down and take a breath.
Glancing at the clock, you see that it's still only 3:00 p.m. The party isn't for another three more hours. You grab your laptop off the coffee table and settle into the couch, intent on passing the time by mindlessly scrolling through social media.
You're bored after about an hour but just before you close your laptop, your scrolling lands on an update posted by some guy named Sam. You're only seeing it because Brittany's tagged in it. A photo captioned, 'Finally convinced this one to go to the Zoo with me.'
There was Brittany, smiling shyly. She looks happy in the photo and you notice that Sam, you presume, has his arm draped over her shoulders. He has big stupid dopey grin on his face and admittedly, your first thought is how much money he sets aside for his chapstick budget.
Either way it's clear to you that this was a date. Brittany went on a date and you're not sure if the heat you feel in your chest is because of jealousy or anger. Maybe a mixture of both. Maybe betrayal.
You inspect it further and note that this must've happened yesterday because that's when Sam posted it along with an entire album full of photos of zoo animals. You go through the whole album, searching for more photos of the blonde.
You find another photo of Brittany towards the end and smile to yourself before realizing you shouldn't be smiling at the fact that she looks this happy on a date with another person. But you can't help it when she looks that adorable in the middle of the gift shop smiling her signature smile, holding a stuffed lizard like it's the cutest thing in the world.
You're like a lizard, San. Always mean mugging everyone but really, you just need some warming up.
The memory of Brittany saying that to you floods your mind. She was teasing you because you called yourself 'cold-blooded' when talking about how the students view you.
Snapping your laptop shut, you stop yourself before you can start stalking this Sam person's social media accounts. You're in no position to be jealous. Actually, you have no right to any reaction. Definitely, no right to blame Sam, whoever he is, for ruining lizards for you forever.
You get out of your car, guacamole and chips in hand, and make your way into the building. The staff party is in the school cafeteria, so it doesn't take you long until you're walking through the doors, taking in the sight of Christmas decorations everywhere. You greet a few people on your way to the food table and place your container and chips down near the rest of the snacks.
"You actually came!" Mrs. Miller yells from behind you and soon you're being pulled away and into a huddle of a few other teachers. "Was that guacamole I saw?" She asks and you nod your head.
"I made it earlier today. I hope you guys like it." You smile at them, happy to already be a part of a group. You were worried you'd be sitting by yourself the whole night. That's why you arrived so early, you figured it'd be easier to leave after staying an appropriate amount of time.
"And she cooks!" Mrs. Miller bellows, squeezing your shoulders. You laugh with the group and easily make conversation. For a while, you forget your troubles and you're grateful for that.
You make your rounds and eventually find your way to Sue.
"Santana." She greets you and you tilt your head in response. "I didn't think this was your kind of scene." She motions to the whole room. It's definitely overly decorated for your taste, but you think that's probably because someone got a little too excited.
"It's not." You shake your head, "I figured the other teachers needed to see the nicer side of me instead of what all the students tell them."
"To tell you the truth, I wish everyone was just as tough as you." She pats your back and you laugh with her. Music isn't anywhere close to being a core class but you made sure the students know they shouldn't expect an easy 'A' from you.
As a Principal, Sue Sylvester actually runs a tight ship. And from what you've observed so far since working here, all the teachers, even Brittany, hold the students to pretty high standards. Not in a cruel or unrealistic kind of way, but in a way that truly challenges them to grow. Everyone here has a level of compassion and understanding that's unparallel to anything you've ever experienced.
This small private school is everything your's wasn't.
You continue to make small talk with Sue until a few of the other teachers join you. The night is fun and filled with laughter and if you're being honest, you're actually glad you came. It makes you think you could still find a space to belong here even if things don't work out with-
"Brittany!" Sue waves toward the door from beside you and you instantly turn your head to look in the same direction. Brittany is near the door, shrugging off her jacket before placing it on a rack. When your eyes finally meet, she actually smiles at you. You almost don't register it because you're in a group of other people so really, she could just be smiling in your general direction.
But when she mouths a silent 'hi' while holding your stare, you finally smile in return before dropping your gaze shyly. You're hopeful that maybe she's ready to move past all this now. You discreetly, or try to discreetly, watch her as she drops off her dish at the food table before making her way toward your group.
Once the group greets her, she falls into place beside you. "Sorry I'm so late." She tells everyone and you look sideways at her. She offers you another smile and your hopes are definitely high now. Two smiles in just 5 minutes.
"I'm surprised you even came tonight. Doesn't Sam's family celebrate on Christmas Eve?" Sue looks at Brittany and you feel your heart drop to your feet. You shift uncomfortably, not bothering to stop the thought of Brittany already being considered 'part of the family' enough for her to celebrate with Sam's family. You look to Brittany, waiting for her response.
"What? How-" Brittany begins to ask but Sue waves her off.
"Your parents wouldn't shut up about it. They were very excited that you finally took Sam up on his offer." The older blonde explains. This quickly gets the other teachers' attention.
"Seriously?" Emma, the English teacher, speaks up, "Sam from the church? He's had the biggest crush on you since you were teenagers! It's about time, Brittany. I'm so happy for you two!" Emma excitedly exclaims, and you mentally add the bitch to your shitlist. You turn away from Brittany as you try your best to not look hurt from this conversation. You don't exactly have an excuse to be breaking down in front of everyone.
"So, tell us the details. What made you change your mind?" Mrs. Miller asks, and when Brittany doesn't answer, you hate yourself for giving in and looking at her. Like some sick urge to watch the knife twist.
But you want to know why. Why, she seemingly out of the blue, choose to go on a date with someone she had obviously already turned down in the past. It takes Brittany a second but when her eyes flicker to yours, you have your answer.
You. You changed her mind.
That's all it took for you to lose it. Internally, of course. You can't handle being in here and being so close to Brittany. It's like you can't breathe anymore. Especially if she's going to start talking about her date with Sam. A date she only went on because of you. You need to leave before you start throwing things or crying. You're not sure which one yet but you don't want to find out.
"Restroom break." You quickly stutter out, excusing yourself and walking away as fast as you can. Once you make it past the restrooms and out the front doors, you finally take a breath of fresh air. It's only when the cold air hits you that you feel the wetness on your cheeks.
You feel like an idiot. Of course Brittany isn't into you. Of course she would naturally reach out and find the first available guy for her to assert her straightness to you. You think about the fact that this is exactly how it happened last time. Next thing you know you'll be getting dirty looks and notes on your desk about how disgusting you are.
You get in your car and drive away. When you get home, you strip off the night and lay on your bed. You spend the night tossing and turning until you finally drift off to sleep. You somehow manage to get at least a few hours of sleep before the sun is rising and creeping its way onto your bed.
When you fully wake up, your mind wanders to the events of last night. While you were restlessly tossing and turning all night, you've come to terms with the idea that maybe Brittany just doesn't accept who you are.
Most of your Christmas Day is spent wondering what will happen now. Now that you know how Brittany feels and the fact that your whole life is basically in her hands, you can't help but worry. Will you need to leave and start over again? Will she tell the others about your indiscretions? Has she already?
You pace around the house, making mental note of all the things you'll need to pack and how quickly you can do so. You're not really sure how fast or how far you'll need to leave. It all would depend on how badly things go down.
By the time dinner nears, you've worked yourself up into a frenzy. The sad thing is, you know you're overreacting. You know you're only thinking worst-case scenario. There's really no use in thinking best-case scenario because that obviously already crashed and burned.
You decide to take a bath to calm yourself down. Which inadvertently turned out to be a horrible idea because it left you basically marinating in your own frantic thoughts. With no escape from worrying, your brain began coming up with more thoughts of Brittany's impending betrayal.
When it became too much, you left the tub and now find yourself looking through your dresser for a change of clothes. Your eyes land on Brittany's pajamas and you sigh. You grab it out and place it on your bed. Allowing yourself to continue torturing your heart, you put on her shorts and t-shirt, sighing when you look at yourself in the mirror.
You're such a bitch to yourself. You deserve this heartache.
Not having eaten all day, you force yourself to walk into the kitchen in hopes of finding something simple that requires little to no effort. But as you're rummaging through the refrigerator, your doorbell rings. You stand up straight and look at the time on the oven.
7:04 p.m. blinks back at you.
You try to think if you've subconsciously ordered delivery while under the influence of your earlier frenzy. You're pretty sure you didn't because most places aren't even open on Christmas Day so you must've just imagined it, but then you hear the soft knock that follows. You step out from the kitchen and slowly make your way to the door, looking through the peephole.
It's Brittany.
You curse silently at yourself for wearing her pajamas but it's too late to change now so you open the door slowly.
"Hey," She smiles softly at you and you force a smile in return. Her eyes glance down at your outfit and you see her smile widen. "Nice jammies." She says, clearly amused, and you try to look indifferent, hoping to conceal your embarrassment. It's only when she shifts in place that you notice how cold it is outside. Opening the door further, you allow her to step inside to stay warm.
"Sorry, it's a mess. I wasn't expecting anyone." You mumble, and she hands you a plastic food container. You recognize it immediately as your own, mostly because it has your last name written on the bottom of it and you only now realize that you forgot your guacamole last night when you left unexpectedly early.
"I hope I'm not interrupting your Christmas. I just wanted to return this to you. It was cleaned out by the time the party ended. Everyone loved it." She tells you and you only nod. "You left early. I didn't even get a chance to talk to you." Cautiously, you look at her face, trying to read her expression. She wanted to talk to you. That can't be good.
Turning away to avoid her eyes, you catch sight of your purse on the table next to you. Now might be your only chance. You reach inside and pull out the small box, handing it to her. Her eyes widen at your gesture, realizing what it is.
You watch as she inspects the giftbox in her hands before looking back to you. "Santana, you didn't have to..."
You shrug. You don't trust your voice because if this is your last real interaction with Brittany, you don't want to ruin it by accidently confessing more of your feelings.
"Thank you." Brittany's eyes search yours again and when you don't say anything, she looks down, almost dejectedly. "So I guess I'll just be on my way, then." As she turns and reaches for the door, you voice stops her.
"Wait, Britt." You squeeze your eyes shut at your outburst but it's too late to turn back now. Your mind is reeling. "Do I need to start looking for a new job?"
"What?" Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Santana, why would you think that?"
Your earlier frenzy hits you like a truck and you're scared all over again of what she's capable of doing with the knowledge of your past. "Look, I really don't want this to blow up in my face again. I don't think I can handle that a second time. If I've made you feel uncomfortable, just tell me. I'll understand, okay? I'll stop. I won't come near you. I swear to god, Brittany, I won't even look at you if that's what you want."
You're rambling, taking it too far and you know it. You sound like an idiot, the desperation dripping from your voice irritates you. Trying to conceal it, you turn away and walk further into your house but she follows you. You place the container down and turn back to her, waiting for her response, but not daring to look her in the eyes.
"You want me to be honest?" She asks, ducking her head to catch your eyes. When you finally look at her she takes a deep breath. "When you told me what happened to you I didn't know what to think. I mean, we were in the middle of chapel. And on top of that to find out you're... you know, I think I-"
You force your eyes away causing her to stop but she ducks her head again to meet you. She wants you to look at her. You reluctantly give in.
"What I'm trying to say is, I went on a date." She states and you scoff. That was not what you wanted to hear but she continues. "I went on a date with a man that is probably the perfect match for me."
You try not to look hurt at what she's saying but you won't be able to hold it together for long. Not if she's going to continue talking about this stupid date.
"Santana, all I could think about the entire time was you." Her voice is soft and her confession stuns you. You don't want to get your hopes up but you know she can see it in your eyes. A glimmer of hope. "It drove me insane. I couldn't stop thinking about the way you make me feel every time you look at me. Even right now, I can feel it."
You take a shaky breath because you can't believe what your hearing. Brittany steps closer to you, placing a hand on your cheek, calming the voices in your head. With her thumb caressing you softly, you lean your head into her palm. Her touch is magnetic.
"He kissed me." She says, making you frown but her thumb continues her motions, soothing you. "I didn't feel anything, Santana." She takes another step forward and you step back, needing the distance to keep you at least a little sane. "I stayed up the whole night wondering if it would've been better... with feelings." Her eyes drop to your lips and your heart leaps from of your chest.
"Brittany, I don't kn-"
"Please, Santana. I need to know." She pleads and when she steps forward again, your back hits the wall. She's so close now and you watch as she licks her lips, causing you to do the same. "Tell me to stop and I will."
You don't respond. You don't dare make a noise because Brittany's eyes close and she leans in. You close your eyes just as her lips make contact. It takes you a second but eventually you find the strength to move your lips with hers.
Brittany's lips are soft, and she moves so carefully that you reason it's because she probably thinks she might break you. But she's not, right now she's doing the exact opposite of break you. You feel her hand move from your cheek to the back of your neck and you hum in response, spurring her on to deepen the kiss. You allow your hands to finally move and you place them at her hips, holding on to her to keep you in place. To keep you from falling.
It's everything a first kiss should be.
When Brittany pulls away she's breathless. She rests her forehead against yours and her eyes open slowly. You can't even think. It's like you're surrounded by stars and you think might actually see the entire universe in Brittany's eyes. Brittany. Brittany, who is pressed up against your body, against a wall. You can't believe what just happened, and on Christmas no less.
"Merry Christmas." You say lamely, letting out a nervous laugh and making her giggle in return. She leans in and places another tender kiss to your lips.
"Merry Christmas, Santana."