Chapter 11: Monday

It happens in layers, but the change in Santana is like night and day.

After constant reassurance -read: stolen kisses- you've successfully gotten through to her that this is what you want. That she is what you want.

I'm sure. I'm so sure.

You had to repeat that to her on more than one occasion and even after all of that it still took her a good three weeks before she realized you had already thought of the two you as officially dating. But once you got through that particular wall, Santana fully embraced the new dynamic of your relationship.

And one thing's for sure, she wasn't lying when she said she won't hold back.

If you really want this, I'm all in.

Those words were whispered into your hair one lazy Saturday afternoon as you were snuggled into her on your couch. You're sure she had thought you were asleep, but it was the way in which she said it that really got to you. Almost like she was saying it to herself.

You've noticed she still does that sometimes. She'll let things slip when you least expect it and it's almost like little glimpses of her inner most thoughts. The more time you spend with her, the more you begin to realize how much of herself she'd been holding back this whole time.

And as much as you had enjoyed the awkward and flustered Santana you first met a half year ago, what you have now is so much better.

She's steady. Confident. Not as afraid of the unknown and no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You've also come to learn that there are multiple versions of Santana and she's an expert at switching between them. For the most part, Santana on campus, is very different from Secret Girlfriend Santana, your personal favorite. For obvious reasons but mostly because it includes the word girlfriend. And also because she reserves it only for when it's just the two of you.

You, on the other hand, are not as talented as Santana.

It's hard for you to hide your smiles, even harder to hide your eyes, and Santana knows it. You can see it in her eyes every time she catches you. She'll scold you, playfully, to stay in character. To not get caught.

That's usually when it hits you.

And you're not entirely sure why this is happening now but recently, your mind started doing this new thing where you can't help but wonder if you're enough for her. Or if you're being too selfish. And it scares you because now that you've spent all this time getting Santana out of her shell, you're only now starting to realize what that means for her.

Because you can see it when she takes extra care into being calculated and careful. Always on campus and always in front of others. Even in front of random strangers on the street, which is already pretty rare since you hardly go out in public with her. She's resigned to hiding herself again. For you. Going back into the closet that she had long left behind.

And sure, she was technically already in the closet since she couldn't exactly come out given her current job, but this, this is different. Now, she's actively hiding. You both are.

It never comes up in conversation but it's like an unspoken agreement. She knows that you're nowhere near ready yet. That there's so much you have to figure out still but all you know for sure is that you just want to be with her. She knows it's going to take time for you to get your ducks in a row and, for now at least, she's okay with it.

Still, you can't help but think that if Santana were with someone else, she wouldn't have to hide who she is. She'd be able to hold their hand in public, or kiss their cheek every morning. She'd be able to do the things you wish you could do.

But it doesn't faze her. At least, you don't think it does because she's being so good to you. Sometimes, you think she must know it when you get like this because when you become quiet and in your thoughts, she's always so patient and understanding. Always so accommodating.

She's just so… amazing. You don't know what you did to deserve someone like her.

Ding

Your computer snaps you back to reality and you clear your throat, turning your head to read the new message.

Lopez, S: Stop it.

You blush. She's caught you staring again. You look up from your desk and past the student's working hard on their tests. Santana's sitting in the back, like she usually is, but right now, she's staring right at you. A glint in her eyes and a perfectly arched eyebrow.

Pierce, B: Sorry.

Lopez, S: Britt… You really need to start controlling yourself here.

Pierce, B: I can't help it. Not when you look that cute wearing my sweater.

You glance up and watch as Santana reads your message, a grin appearing on her lips.

So, you might've accidentally left your favorite sweater at her place a few days ago. She never mentioned anything of it though, so you weren't sure if she even saw it.

But then she showed up to work today wearing it, making you feel all kinds of wonderful. Like, actual butterflies in your stomach, kind of wonderful. Then when you hugged her you instantly realized that she must've washed it because it even smelt like her.

At that revelation, you had to fight every bone in your body to not kiss her right then and there in the middle of the teacher's lounge. You wanted nothing more than to bury your nose into her shoulder. Her neck. Her-

Ding

Lopez, S: You're doing it again!

You roll your eyes dramatically and you hear the faint giggle from the back of the room. Sighing, you decide to focus on grading the few tests that have already been turned in and try your best to ignore the brunette across the room.

You don't dare look at her again until the end of class and all the students have left. When your eyes finally find hers, she's soft.

Girlfriend Santana is always so soft.

She gathers her belongings and walks up to your desk, glancing quickly to the doorway before looking back at you with a coy smile.

"Babe," her voice low, "I can't keep sitting in on your class if you don't start behaving yourself."

You smile widely at her and she chuckles, shaking her head at you. See, you just can't seem to gain control of your smiles. Not when she calls you things like, babe.

"Stop it." She scolds you again but she's still smiling.

You shake your head defiantly, making her laugh again. She makes you so happy. You wonder if she knows how badly you want to shout that from the rooftop. If only you could. If only you had the courage.

Eventually Santana leaves to teach her next class and you move on to prepare for yours. You can't wait till after school because she had asked you earlier to meet her at her classroom once the school clears out.

You spend the rest of the day focused on your students and your work. Just because you're the happiest you've ever been, doesn't mean you can start slacking off.

Time passes quickly and soon, the halls are quiet, no sounds of shoes shuffling or teens gossiping.

You pack up the last of your things and make your way to Santana's classroom. When you reach her door you hesitate, smiling at the recognition of Santana's fingers tapping softly at the keys of a piano.

You're ears are trained to the sound by now. You've heard her silently play more than a few times and you have to wonder if she plays the same thing everytime. All you know is that sometimes it's your song because once in a while she'll hum along. Especially on the nights you've spent sitting on her couch prepping your lesson plans, as she's tucked in the corner with her keyboard, headphones plugged in. She always hums when it's just the two of you.

Content with your eavesdropping, you finally turn the corner and lean against the door frame, your eyes easily finding her brunette hair. She's sitting at the familiar student desk, glasses already on and framing her face perfectly. She doesn't wear them often, but they were a pleasant surprise the first time they made an appearance. You've definitely got a thing for nerd Santana and she knows it.

She doesn't notice you right away but eventually, like always, her eyes flutter up to meet yours. You don't even have to flicker the lights anymore. Somehow, she just knows. You watch the shy smile form on her lips as she stops what she's doing and removes her headphones.

"Come in, Ms. Pierce." She stands and moves back to her desk. You make your way in and stand at the other side of her desk, remembering to keep a respectable distance. Even though you're likely to be the last two on campus, you never know who else could be lurking around.

"You wanted to see me, Ms. Lopez?"

She turns to you slowly, and where you expect to see playful eyes, you find careful ones. "I wanted to ask you something." She mumbles as she looks down at her shoes, scuffing them across the floor.

She's nervous. It's cute to see her like this again. To not scare her away, you soften when she looks back up at you, allowing her to continue.

"What are your dinner plans for next Monday?"

The randomness of her question confuses you and you have to spend more than a second to think about it, but then the realization hits you.

"San..." You blush heavily in recognition. Next week Monday is the day after your birthday. You weren't planning on doing anything special with Santana because you haven't been dating long and you didn't want her to feel pressured. But still, she's telling you she wants to take you out. And you know she only chose the Monday because you already have weekend plans with your parents. Canceling that would raise some serious questions.

Careful Santana is always so calculated.

"I know it's a school night but if you're up for it, we could go a few towns over," she says softly, looking around at her surroundings, "away from all of this."

"Are you asking me out on a date, Santana? A birthday date?"

"Yes?" She looks at you, her face scrunches up in apprehension and you can't help but giggle.

"So confident." You tease, taking the few steps until you're standing in front of her. She leans away slightly but you stop her by pulling her in for a hug. Eventually, she relaxes in your embrace and you wait -you always wait- until you can feel the tender touch of her hands resting on your waist.

"Is that a yes?"

"Definitely."

The sun is setting as you look out the window of Santana's car and you watch the lights of the passing city slowly come to life.

Santana's driving. Her car is simple, clean and not flashy in any way, but you can tell that she takes extra care of it. She's like that, you've come to learn. She doesn't have very many material items but the few things she does hold dear are in pristine condition.

She explained it to you once by saying it's a sort of sense of security. A peace of mind that she's done everything she can to insure nothing goes wrong and if it does, she's not at fault. She likes the assurance of it. The black and white way she looks at things makes you appreciate the little things she does for you so much more. She's literally throwing caution to the wind to be with you. She's taking a chance on you because she trusts you. She trusts that you wont hurt her.

You pray you never will.

"You look nice." Santana's voice cuts through the quiet and you turn to look at her. She glances to her side and you watch as her eyes skate over your outfit quickly before looking back to the road ahead. "I'm sorry I didn't get to say it earlier when I picked you up."

"It's okay," You chuckle, "I kind of got the memo when you greeted me by saying good morning."

Santana rolls her eyes at that but you can see the faint blush on her cheeks. You both went straight home after work to get ready for your date tonight so when she came to your door and she first laid eyes on you, she couldn't form a single coherent sentence.

The way she looked at you when you opened your front door, it ignited every single cell inside of you.

"I wish I could take a picture of this." She smiles, "You sitting there with the sunset as a backdrop. You're just so beautiful, Britt. And I know it's only been a little over a month and everything's still so new but sometimes I'll wake up in the morning and I don't know... I'm just so happy. You make me so happy."

"San..." Your eyes nearly tearing now, "Stop it."

You can't handle her like this. Alone in her car as she showers you with love words.

"I mean it." She looks at you again. "Sorry, I guess I just don't get to say that out loud enough."

Your heart jumps at her words but in a different kind of way. A guilty kind of way. You brush off the feeling quickly, not wanting to ruin the mood. Especially since this is your first official date, away from everything, and Santana is being extra sweet to you.

The drive takes over an hour but you don't mind. Not when most of the time is spent holding Santana's hand on your lap as she draws tiny circles with her thumb on the back of yours and she sings along to whatever is playing on the radio. By the time you reach the restaurant the sun has completely set.

Santana is the perfect gentlewoman, opening doors for you and holding your hand as she leads the way. Once you're seated at your table in the restaurant, she begins ordering for the both of you and you sit there quietly, allowing her to take charge. Every few seconds, as she's speaking to the waiter, she'll glance at you from above the menu and smile. The minute your waiter walks away, you don't even think twice before you're leaning in and kissing her on the lips gently.

The kiss definitely surprises her but what surprises you is that she doesn't flinch. Not in the same way she usually does when you kiss. Even in the comfort of your home or even her own, where you're sure no one can see you, there's always a split second of panic on her lips.

But tonight, miles away from home, she returns your affection without a hint of hesitation and it sets you on fire. The kiss ends up getting a little too heated and it isn't until Santana giggles onto your lips that you finally pull away.

"What was that for?" Her eyes twinkling as she searches your features.

"For being so good to me." You tell her and she smiles, reaching towards you to hold your hand on the table. Although a small gesture it easily makes you flush. She's actually holding your hand, affectionately, in public, and over the table.

First the kiss and now this?

You expected her to be more open tonight but not like this. Nothing could have prepared you for this. You can't even bring yourself to be scared that someone might see because you're just that far away from home. No one here knows who you are here.

And most importantly, no one here cares. It feels almost unreal. No more stolen glances or hidden kisses.

Then, like clockwork, your mind immediately wanders. Is this what it would feel like if you weren't in the situation you're in? If in an alternate universe, you were actually open and honest? If you weren't afraid?

Your mind reels. It never fails. Always in these moments of bliss, you become acutely aware of your reality.

She deserves so much more than what you can give her.

"Hey," Santana squeezes your hand gently, "You're thinking about it too much."

The way she reads you so easily is honestly too jarring sometimes. It's like she can physically see it when the seeds of doubt begin to take root. You feel guilty at the idea of her knowing your insecurities but she never judges. She knows you're still adjusting so it's to be expected.

She's so good at guiding you back to her.

But the thought of her turning off this Santana, girlfriend Santana, as soon as you get back to your city makes your chest ache. Like she's on some sort of automatic timer, turning on 'best friend' Santana the majority of the time you're together and only switching back behind closed doors, hidden texts, and late night phone calls. What makes it worse is she does it all without complaining. Without making it into a big deal.

"How do you do that?" You ask, biting your bottom lip.

"Do what?"

"How can you switch it on and off so easily like that?" You shake your head and her eyes soften as she takes a breath.

"This isn't my first rodeo, Britt." Her fingers brush your wrist softly, "I'm just trying to get it right this time around. But, I don't ever want you to think my feelings for you are switched off. I'll keep that in mind."

You have to close your eyes because you still can't shake the feeling. It's one thing to go through something like this together but knowing that Santana already had and she's only in the predicament again because of you, makes you feel like you're dragging her down.

"I don't deserve you." You finally say, shaking your head, "And you, you deserve someone who doesn't have to travel an hour and a half away from home just to feel at ease. Someone you can take out on their actual birthday, not the day after. Someone-"

"Brittany, stop." She cuts you off, her voice a shade more serious as her eyes lock onto yours. "I don't want just someone. I just want you."

A tear releases and you're quick to move your free hand, wiping it away. You don't know why, but hearing those words out loud was the final straw.

"Oh, babe." Santana cooes, her thumb caressing the back of your hand. It's too much. She's too much. "Britt, look at me." You blink away another tear before looking up and find soft eyes. "You can't keep doing this to yourself every time you feel a little bit happy. I want this. I know more than anyone what I signed up for and I'm okay. Promise."

"I don't want to hurt you, Santana. I feel like I'm hurting you somehow."

"You're not." She's quick to shake her head. "You want to be with me, right?"

"Of course I do. You know I do."

"And… you're sure?" She smiles wryly, making you crack small smile in return. She obviously knows the answer.

"I'm sure. I'm so sure."

"Good." She moves your hand up to her lips and places a light kiss to your knuckles. "Then that's all I need to know."

After dinner, Santana tells you that she has a surprise in store for you. It's unexpected but still, it makes you giddy because dinner was better than you could have ever imagined and now that there's something else, it'll probably cause you to burst into a bubbling mess.

She takes you to a small record store. It's not far from the restaurant but at this time of night, it looks to be already closed. You're about to ask her what's going on but before you get the chance, she moves to the small lock box on the side, punches in a few numbers and opens it, revealing a key.

When she turns back to you she laughs, probably because of the very confused expression gracing your face.

"A friend of mine called in a favor for me."

You nod, not really understanding her explanation but still you watch as she unlocks the door and allows you to step in first. It's a pretty small store from what you can see. The lights are off but you can make out the rows of shelving that hold various selections of vinyls.

Waiting for her direction, you stand there as she locks the door from the inside. "You're not going to murder me here, are you?" You ask innocently and she giggles lightly.

"It's just in the back through that door." She points toward the back of the store before grabbing your hand and leading the way. Once you finally get inside the second door, your breath hitches.

It's a studio. She's taken you to a studio and you don't know what to do with yourself because you can't tell if you're nervous or if you're excited.

"So, I'm not one for grand romantic gestures, but something tells me you are." Santana's eyes watch you carefully before turning away to flip on the lights, bringing the room to life. When she turns back to you, she chuckles. "Baby, I haven't even done anything yet."

"Shut up." You mumble shyly, bringing your hands up to your face to wipe at your watery eyes. "Are you going to sing to me?"

"And then some." She smiles, turning on the light to the inner room, revealing a grand piano and a microphone set up inside.

You can't speak. You can't even think. A tear makes it's escape and Santana quickly moves to wipe it from your cheek.

"Oh god, is it too much? Am I too much?" She asks, and you're quick to shake your head, taking a steadying breath.

"This what you've been practicing all this time?"

Her cheeks flush with a tint of red and she nods her head. "I hope you don't mind, I rearranged it a little."

"Santana..." You can't believe her. You can't believe she would do something like this for you.

"I know it's your favorite and I know you like it when I sing to you so I just thought, maybe if you had a recording of it, you could listen to it whenever you wanted to. Whenever we can't be together and you need a reminder-"

You don't let her finish because you just need to kiss her, holding her tightly against you. You tell her through your lips how much this means to you. She knew exactly what you needed. She knew that with as much reassurance you had to give her the first few weeks, you too needed a little bit of that reflected back. And she absolutely delivered in the most magical of ways.

A super special Santana way that reminds you on command, at the push of a button, how much you mean to her.

You're a complete mess by the time you pull away and Santana eyes are glistening back at you as she helps you wipe away the last few tears that have found their way out from behind your eyes.

She sets up quickly and it's not long until she's giving you little instruction on how to record from the studio side. Thanks to chapel, you already know your way around a mixing console so it's not difficult to know how to press record. Before you know it, she's on the other side of the glass, sitting at the piano.

"Can you hear me, Britt?" Santana speaks into the microphone and you hold up an enthusiastic thumb to her. She giggles, probably at the silly grin you're sporting, and the sound of it makes you wish you had already pressed record. "So, as you know, I've been practicing this for a while now. I'm hoping to get this done in one shot." She smiles proudly at you.

Once you press record and she starts playing, the whole world fades away.

It's a beautiful rendition and you already feel yourself tearing up again. It's slower than the movie version, but still, it's powerful. She's made it her own. You've never heard her like this before. She's usually soft with her singing around you, never really reaching her full voice. You almost can't believe you're witnessing this.

She's absolutely enchanting and your mind takes note, wanting to remember this moment for the rest of your life.

And after tonight, you'll have your own personal sound bite that will never let you forget it.