Chapter 14: Questions
Thoughts of the future flood your mind.
Thoughts of a future, with Santana permanently in it, flood your mind.
Some nights you'll lay awake and wonder if this is really it for you. If maybe Santana truly is your 'happily ever after'. You're mind takes on new life again, reeling and wandering and you can't help but think about the fact that no real future can start with Santana until you come clean. Until you show your whole true self to the world.
But if you're being honest, the past six months with Santana have been the most wonderful whirlwind. You've never been so happy and it's not hard to miss the change in you. You're practically radiating with glee and people are starting to take note.
Which absolutely terrifies you.
The first big scare comes a little more than a month after camp.
It's late and you ended up staying behind at the school to finish prepping your final exams. Santana's probably still at the church, helping the seniors with the end of the year musical.
Since getting closer with the student worship team, Santana's spent a lot of time with them preparing for the big day. Rehearsal after rehearsal, you would spend most nights in the audience, watching as she coaches them.
Tonight though, you're late as you walk into the auditorium doors, the lights are dim and it looks as if everyone had already left. You almost turn around to leave but then you notice two figures sitting by the instruments. You walk up slowly, not quite sure as to why Santana and Sunshine would be sitting there alone.
Silently, you duck by the nearest wall in an attempt to hide yourself from them. They're backs are toward you and you can barely make out their voices.
"What are you trying to say, Sunshine?" Santana's voice is soft. Most notably though, it's careful. Like how she used to be.
"I'm trying to say that I know." The younger girl answers quietly, almost unsure. You feel your chest tighten slightly as she continues, "I know, Ms. Lopez. About you and Ms. Pierce."
You have to strain your ears to listen for Santana's response but it never comes. You don't know if you should step in or not but you can't bear the thought of your girlfriend handling this on her own. Deciding to move from your spot, you step closer to them. When they finally feel your presence, they turn to you and their eyes widen.
"Britt…" Santana shakes her head from her thoughts, "Sunshine just-" She attempts to fake a laugh, "She just told me she thought-"
"I heard." You try to calm her nerves with a playful smile and an amused laugh of your own but it doesn't work. You know her mind has already gone to the worst-case scenario. "Sunshine, I don't know why-"
"No, no wait, you don't understand." Sunshine interrupts you, her eyes suddenly watering, "I-I just thought you might be able to help me. Please, I just need someone to talk to." Her tears openly falling now and the sight makes your heart ache for her.
At that, Santana turns to her student, her protective instincts seemingly kick in and her aura changes, "Wait, what do you mean? What's going on, Sunshine?".
As Sunshine tries to calm her breathing, you take the seat next to her and glance up to Santana for guidance. Santana doesn't look at you though, her eyebrows knitted in concern as she watches Sunshine compose herself.
"I thought maybe since you both… I don't know. Please, don't be mad at me. I don't know who to trust or who to talk to."
"We're not mad at you, hun. You can talk to us." You try to offer and Santana finally tears her eyes away to meet your eyes. There's something about the way she looks at you though. It's as if she already knows something that you haven't figured out yet. And you can't place it, but you think you see it deep in Santana's eyes. Like an old enemy that's come back in the worst way.
"Sunshine, how long have you felt like this?" Santana turns to Sunshine again but the younger girl shakes her head.
"I'm not the same… as you. It's… different."
You can't help but tilt your head a little, unsure of what she's saying. At first you thought you had an idea but now...
"But I don't know," Sunshine wipes at the tears on her cheek, "It comes and goes. Some days, I'll wake up and I'll feel like I'm not in my own body. I don't know what to do anymore. It's like it's getting stronger and I know it's wrong. I feel wrong."
Oh.
"It's not." Santana says quickly, shaking her head. "There's nothing wrong with the way you feel. Whatever feels right for you, is right for you."
"I used to pray for it to go away." Sunshine looks down, ashamed. "I kept telling myself that I'll grow out of it. But then sometimes I'll find myself thinking I'm so close to getting out of here. In a few months I can leave and never come back and no one will know who I am or who I become."
You sit there and look at Santana because you don't know what to say or do. This is completely new territory for you. There's nothing you can do but sit there and listen.
"But then I'll think about how much I love God." Sunshine continues, "And I believe in him, you know? How did you do it?" She suddenly looks at you, new tears forming quickly. "How did you learn to accept yourself knowing that God will never accept you?"
Her question catches you off guard and all air leaves your lungs. This whole time, that thought has never fully crossed your mind. Sure you've thought long and hard about the church not accepting it, or the school, and even your parents, but never God. Never before did you question God's love for you.
"Sunshine, listen to me," Santana speaks up when you fail to, "God accepts you. I need you to hear that, okay? He's a loving God and he loves you. So so much, sweetie. No matter what we do, or who we love, or who we are, he will never stop loving us." Santana's voice cracks and her eyes become glossy.
Your chest aches again, no longer at the sight before you but from the words Santana spoke. You try to absorb it but it just floats there, or near you, or above you. It doesn't reach your heart. Ever since you were a child you've been told time and time again that God will love you no matter what, but for some reason, right now, it's like a curtain's been pulled back and the first seed of doubt takes root.
You realize you've been going on as if your relationship with Santana and your relationship with God were two separate things. Never touching. Never meeting.
How naive.
"It took a long time for me to understand God's love for me but please trust me when I say, it gets better. I promise you, Sunshine. It definitely gets better." Santana smiles, a genuine smile, and her eyes look to yours again. But when she finds you, her expression falters slightly.
It's obvious and you know it. You've never been good at hiding your emotions. Just like the smiles on your lips, you can't hide the doubt in your eyes.
Santana turns her attention back to Sunshine and takes charge as they talk about some of the resources that are available to her. Together they look up a few websites, Santana even bookmarking some of them onto Sunshine's phone browser for her.
Before Sunshine leaves, Santana promises to check up on her from time to time, but only if she's comfortable with that. She also reminds her, for probably the fifteenth time, that God does in fact love her.
Once she's gone and you're alone with Santana in the auditorium, she turns to you, exhaling. "Britt-"
"It was nothing." You shake your head, pushing down your thoughts. You can't do this again. You can't let your mind do this to you. To Santana.
"Britt," Santana reaches for your hand and you flinch, "Don't hide from me, please."
"I-I'm not." You can't even look her in the eye and it hurts your heart, "Can we just move past this. Please." You're desperate. You don't want to disappoint her because you've worked so hard to get to where you are. You just need some time to get over this. Everything is fine.
Santana's eyes turn soft, and careful. "Okay." She sighs dejectedly, "But sooner or later, we're going to have to talk about it."
She's not going to let it go. You already knew she wouldn't but at least for now, she's letting you off easy. She allowing you space. You hope that's all you need.
You slowly begin to pull back.
Santana definitely notices because her eyes have become careful again, and every time you notice them you hate yourself a little more. When you're in public, it's not the same as it used to be and when you're alone you do your best in reassuring her that there's nothing wrong.
But then the second big scare happens a week before opening night. In the days between, Santana and Sunshine have had a few more 'meetings' in the auditorium after rehearsal.
Santana doesn't relay much to you, which if you're being honest, you're kind of grateful for. It would only bring up what happened that night and even though you've seemingly managed to push down all stray feelings of doubt since then, you don't want that particular issue to come up again.
That is until Sue calls you into her office at lunch for a quick chat.
"You wanted to see me?" Your knuckles rapt at the wood of Sue's door and the older woman looks up from above the glasses perched on the tip of her nose.
"Pierce, yes. Come in." She motions to the exercise ball in front of her desk and resumes scribbling some notes on the papers in front of her. When you take your first step inside, she calls out a quick, "And close the door."
Hesitantly, you do as you're told and assume a seated position on the bouncy ball. "I feel like I've been called to the Principal's office." You try to joke but Sue's eyes glance up with all seriousness.
"You have been called to the Principal's office, Brittany. I am the Principal."
"No, I know. I just meant-" You sigh, "Never mind."
Sue studies you carefully, causing you to shift uncomfortably under her unreadable glare. You're not sure why she wanted to talk to you but seeing as she's never done this to you before, you know it can't be good. She turns back to her papers, jots one last thing down before closing it and setting it aside.
"Pierce, some of the teachers have been coming to me in the past few weeks." She looks at you, eyes still studying, still searching. "They had some things to say about Santana."
Your eyes widen and you know she noticed it so you clear your throat. "What does this have to do with me?"
The pause before she speaks is too long and the silence settles deep in the pit of your stomach. "Some of them expressed a few… concerns." She reaches into her desk and pulls out another folder, her fingers lightly tapping at the cover. "Concerns about you as well."
"M-me? What did I do?" You attempt to clear your throat again, but it's suddenly dry and feels like it's closing with each passing second.
"Look, I'm not going to waste my time beating around the bush. I just need to know if this is something I need to get ahead of."
You can only blink back at her, not knowing what to say. A chill runs down your spine, causing you to shiver slightly.
"Is this something I need to get ahead of?" She repeats, her eyes as piercing as her tone is stern.
You somehow manage to at least fake a laugh, "I really don't know what you're talking about."
She sighs, "You should know that as reigning Principal, it's part of my job to know exactly who we hire here. And, if I do my job right, there's no such thing as secrets. No matter how long ago or how far away." She glances at the folder in front of her, "Do you understand what I'm saying?"
You don't move a muscle. You don't dare give her any reaction in fear that she'll be able to read you like a book. She knew. She knew this whole time about Santana's past and whatever is in that folder is what Santana told you that day in chapel.
"And I'm not the only one that knows." Sue continues, "I gave Whitney a copy back when we were still considering Santana for the position."
"My mom knows?" Your eyes widen, and with that you basically confirm your own knowledge of Santana's past. "Does that mean my dad knows, too?"
"I don't know what she did with the information, Brittany. All I know is she was hesitant at first but you know how she is. She gets a little too protective for her own good. But now that people are starting to talk, I just wanted to check in with you first. Before things got out of hand."
Your mind is racing, going a million miles a minute and your having trouble keeping track of your thoughts. What exactly is in that folder? How much do they actually know? How did she get it and how biased is it? You feel like crying. Or screaming. You can't believe this. This isn't fair.
"So who was it?" You finally ask, not caring about the tone in your voice, "Which teachers said something?"
"You're not denying it, then?"
"It was Emma wasn't it? Who knows what other crazy ideas she's come up with in that crazy mind of hers."
"Actually, it was more than one teacher. And from what I've personally observed, it's not hard to see how they all came to the same conclusion."
"Well, it's not true." You shake your head, trying your best to hold it together.
"Britt-"
"Actually no, you know what?" You cut her off, the harshness of your voice surprising the both of you but you continue, "Why is it anyone's business, anyways? Santana's already been through so much." You point to the folder in her hands, "Does your files tell you how hurt she was? How completely broken that left her? It's not right."
"No, it's not, but-"
"Then why can't people just mind their own damn business? No one talks about Will and Emma's weird and uncomfortable relationship because we all know they love each other and that's all that matters. How is this any different? After everything, doesn't Santana deserve at least that? Doesn't she deserve happiness like everyone else?"
You have to take a steadying breath because now you're on the verge of tears. You straighten your back and hold Sue's stare. If the goal was to deny the relationship, you're obviously failing. After a beat, Sue softens and the sight makes you even more emotional. There's no use in holding it back anymore.
"You love her then?"
"So much," a tear escapes, "And she makes me happy, Sue. Like I've never been before."
How many times have you thought about what it would feel like to finally be able to share that with someone. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. And for Sue to the be first person to know, you definitely didn't see that coming.
Sue's known you for so long and she's never treated you with gloves. She never cared about the fact that you're technically her boss's daughter and she never babied you. There was no such thing as special treatment when it came to Sue and as crazy as that sounds, it's what made you respect her even more.
But now, with the way she's looking at you as you wipe away your tears, you know she cares about you like she would a niece, or even a daughter.
"Look kid, I'm not saying you can't be happy, just…just be more careful, okay?"
Taking a few calming breaths, you watch as Sue puts Santana's folder back into her desk. She excuses you as soon as you gather yourself and you dodge all questioning looks as you make your way back to your classroom.
"Britt?" Santana stands to her feet as soon as you walk in and you shut the door behind you, not caring that the action is the exact opposite of 'being more careful'.
"Sue knows." You tell her quickly, glancing at the clock, knowing you only have a limited amount of time before lunch ends and your next class starts. Her eyes widen in shock and before she has a chance to say anything, "She knows about what happened in Ohio and us. She knows about us, Santana."
Santana stays quiet. Like she's thumbing through all the options in her brain and trying to figure out the best possible way to handle this. She turns away and begins pacing back and forth, mumbling incoherently and if you weren't just as freaked out, you'd probably find it cute.
"But she told us to be more careful." You try to tell her, hoping that it would be enough to calm her mile-a-minute mind.
She stops pacing and her eyes find yours, a glimmer of hope. "Okay. Okay, that's good right? That means it's not an issue. We don't have to worry."
You want to be hopeful with her but you can't. And you know the next thing you say is going to spin her into another rambling state.
"Sue's not the one I'm worried about though." You state and watch as her face falls, "It's my mom."
"Your mom? Why would we have to worry about your mom?"
"Because she knows about Ohio, too."
You leave as soon as school lets out for the day. Now that things are coming to light, you need to clear things with your mom before it's too late. You need to address it now before it gets worse.
Putting your car in park, you take a deep breath and look out the window to your parents' house. Your father should still be at the church so that means you only have a few hours until he's driving into the garage.
You'll need to leave before then. You don't know if you can have this conversation with him yet because your not sure how he's going to react to something like this and if you're being honest, you're kind of hoping to keep this secret from him for just a little while longer.
By the time you get to the door, your nerves are at an all time high. Checking your phone one last time, you stare at the text Santana sent just as you were leaving the school.
San: I love you.
The two of you came up with the plan together during the last few minutes of lunch and she must've known you would need the extra encouragement. She loves you. And you love her. That's all that matters right now.
"Britt?" The front door suddenly opens and you're meet with the surprising sight of your father.
"Dad? What are you doing home? I thought you would be working?"
"Stayed home today." He says, wiggling his eyebrows, "I'm playing hooky. Don't tell the elders."
You smile at his charm, rolling your eyes, "It's your church, doesn't that mean you can do whatever you want?"
"Try tell that to the elders." He laughs, opening the door further for you to walk in, "If you're looking for your mother she's not here. Something about a last minute meeting with Sue at the school."
Pausing mid-step, you turn around slowly to face your father. "Did she say why she's meeting with Sue?"
His eyes turn questioning, "I don't think it's about you, babygirl. It was something with one of the students. Apparently one of her parent's approached your mother at the grocery store. I think she said the student's name was something like… Skylight? Or moonbeam, maybe?"
"Sunshine?"
"Yes! That's the one!"
"Shit." You mumble under your breath as you pull out your phone to send a quick text to Santana. "Did she mention what they were going to talk about?"
"There were concerns about what their daughter was being taught at the school…" His voice turns quiet as he watches you type away at your phone. "Brittany, is something going on?"
Looking at him, you find concerned eyes. You don't know what to do but you do know it's not your place to tell him about Sunshine. "I can't tell you, dad. I'm sorry."
"But this somehow involves Santana?" He asks and your eyes widen, "She's one of Sunshine's teachers, right?"
"Santana's helping her work through some things, right now. I just don't want mom asking too many questions."
"Because of your relationship with Santana?"
"W-what?" You choke a little and laugh awkwardly to cover it up, "Oh, because we're friends?"
He's doesn't fall for it though and sighs, the disappointment easy to read on his features, "I know I may be a little slow at times, but I'm not blind, Brittany. It's obvious you've become close with her. More than you would an ordinary friend."
Oh god, this is really happening. And there's no way out of it. You close your eyes in an attempt to gain a little bit of composure back but even then it still feels as if the walls of your childhood home are closing in around you. It's getting harder to breathe.
"Hey wait, I'm not mad." He moves, placing his hands on your shoulders, trying to relax you. "Maybe a little hurt, sure, but I'm not mad. You could've told us. Or at least… me."
"I'm so sorry, dad." Your vision blurs and you realize you're already at the verge of tears. He frowns at that a little before pulling you in for a hug and you hold on to him, surprised at his reaction. It's comforting in a way that keeps you from bursting into tears. "I was just too scared."
"Of me?"
You nod into his shoulder and he tightens his hold on you, "You always talk about the future of this family and now I've gone and messed it all up. I didn't want to let you down."
He pulls back to look at you, his eyes clear and sincere, "Two things you can always count on with your old man, babygirl. I'll always love you know matter what, and you could never let me down."
"But Santana… She's-" You shake your head, "I'm pretty sure she doesn't fit in with your vision of the future."
"Hey now, didn't I tell you when I met her that I liked her. That doesn't change. Yeah, it's going to take some getting used to, but so what if she's not exactly who I imagined you'd find happiness with. Plus, I see her in the audience on Sunday sometimes so at least I know she's a believer."
He ducks his head to meet your eyes again and you look back, hopeful. "So… you don't care?"
"That she's a she?" He asks and you nod your head . "My vision of your future wasn't about who you end up with, it's more about the hope that you're happy with who you end up with. That's all that matters to me."
You crack a smile at his words and he easily flashes one back at you. It's funny, you may not be related by blood but somehow, God made it so that you share the same smile.
But, it's only a momentary pause in tension before your thoughts falls to another corner of your mind and your heartbeat quickens.
"Dad," You pause, knowing fully that this isn't exactly the right time to go into this but you can't help it, you need to know, "Do you think it's a sin?"
He must've expected your question because he didn't seem surprised by it but as you wait for his answer, he takes a steadying breath, "Honestly, I don't know what to think about that just yet. But I've been praying and asking God for enlightenment for some time now. I can say that I'm willing to open my heart and learn, though."
He's trying. Which, if going by Santana's experience, is better than what most people get.
You feel foolish even asking the next question but you've already opened the door and you can't stop yourself. It may even be childish but something in you needs to hear it. Something in you needs to hear it in his voice. You soften, embarrassed at you own absurd thoughts, "Do you think God still loves me?"
You barely can finish your question before you're breaking down, crying at the realization that you've never said it out loud. You've never given a voice to the doubts in your head and now that you have, all of your bottled up feelings are pouring out of you at once.
"Oh honey," He wipes at the trail of tears along your cheeks but he can't keep up, the tears keep coming, "Of course he does. He loves you no matter what, you know that."
Needing to hug him, you move to cling to his shoulders and allow yourself to sob fully into his shoulder. Your whole life, your love for God has always been unmatched. And as sure as you are of your love for Santana, it scares you that you're not so sure anymore of God's love for you.
"I've been having these thoughts recently." You mumble, trying to control your breathing so that you can explain yourself, "I know he loves me but sometimes I'll get these nagging feelings that won't go away. But what if-" You take a shaky breath, "What if I have to choose between him and the love of my life?"
Your father doesn't reply right away and you can almost feel his thought process through the slight movements of his embrace. You think the hesitation is because you had just admitted to him that you love Santana and he's still processing that part of it. Eventually, you feel him sigh as he pulls away to look at you, "Have you told Santana about this?"
You duck your head in shame, "No. I've been kind of avoiding the topic."
"Well, maybe it's about time you talk to her then. But Britt," He wipes at your cheek one last time and moves some hair from your forehead, "I hope you know that if it comes down to it and she does ask you to choose, she's not the one. No one should ever ask that of you. Even if you think they're the great love of your life."
"I know, dad." You nod.
He kisses your forehead softly, "That's good to hear, babygirl."
You don't tell him that that's exactly what you're afraid of. Because right now, if it comes down to it, you know you would still pick Santana in a heartbeat.