Dein Weg ist Mein Weg

Chapter IV

The Abyss

The wails of her teammates and the rising water drowning them all was replaced by an electronic screeching as the alarm woke Maho from her usual nightmare the following morning. She reached out a sweaty hand to turn it off, but ended up falling out of her bed as a result. For a moment she simply remained as she was, face down on the carpet and half a leg still in the bed, sighing, before she ultimately rose from the floor and turned the alarm off. She got herself ready for another day at school and, having learned her lesson from yesterday, didn't even try to pack a lunchbox. It would seem her skill in tankery was not to be transferable to cooking, so she would rely on bought lunches for the foreseeable future. As she placed a hand on the doorknob, ready to leave, she glanced at the small teddy bear she had stitched back together last night, now sitting on the counter near the door. She debated putting it in her bag for a few moments, bringing it and all it represented with her during the day. It was a stuffed reminder of what she had lost, and what she couldn't bear to lose again. Ultimately she decided that the darkness was enough of a cross to bear in her day-to-day life, clawing at her soul at every opportunity, and so the injured teddy bear remained on the counter as she left.

As she began her walk to school, her stomach gave a rumbling reminder that she had once again neglected breakfast, and so she made a quick stop at a bakery that lay along her path and picked up a sandwich. Hopefully it would be enough to keep her going until lunch. As she reached the school gates and made her way through the corridors, she crossed paths with Saori and Hana. The ginger girl almost started running towards her, but was blocked by Hana placing an arm in front of her. They were to avoid her after all. The girls shared a few glances, but Maho quickly passed the two by and continued towards the classroom.

"Thanks for getting my bag yesterday," she mumbled to the two as she passed.

"Oh, uh… You're wel…" Saori started to answer, but Maho had already left before she could answer in full.

Once Maho had taken her seat in the classroom, the day passed much like the one before had. Keeping her attention focused on the teacher and blackboard during lessons made staving off the nightmare and darkness somewhat doable. But just like the day before, this technique would fail as classes let out for lunch. Today Maho had prepared herself however. The moment class ended, she packed up her things, and left campus. She picked up lunch at a nearby convenience store, and sat down leaning against a tree in a nearby park. The food wasn't great, but it was leaps and bounds superior to what she had tried to force herself to eat yesterday. As she threw the trash of her meal in a nearby bin, the next issue arose. She still needed to keep her mind occupied for another half-hour before classes would start up again. But yet again she had planned for this issue. She reached into her bag, and produced a set of pencils and the sketchpad she had found the previous evening, propping it up against her knee. She looked out over the idyllic scene, seeing the people passing by, the birds flying above, the dog playing with some children on a patch of grass. All of it she took in, and got to work capturing the scene, as she had done while she still lived in Kumamoto.

As the alarm on her phone rang, alerting her to the fact that classes would start in 10 minutes, she looked back up from her sketch. The idyllic scene remained, but her sketch had in no way captured it. The trees growing vividly and green seemed wrinkly and dying. The birds flying above had vanished, as had the clear blue sky behind dark clouds. The smiling people passing her by instead stared up from her sketch with judging grimaces. The dog and children couldn't stare at her judgingly even if they wanted to, as every one of them lacked a face with which to stare. After a few seconds of looking at the grim impression she had drawn, she closed the sketchpad and packed up her things.

As she reached the top of the stairs to the second floor and turned to make her way down the corridor, Maho's path was blocked. Before her stood the black-haired member of the Student Council with the strange monocle, and no matter how Maho tried to pass her by, she would move to intercept.

"We need to have a chat," she said with an annoyed tone. Almost as if she would rather do anything but have a chat with Maho

"I've got class," Maho responded in her usual dour tone. "So move."

"You're not going anywhere," the girl responded and slammed a fist into the locker beside her when Maho tried to pass. "You don't talk to the President like that, do you hear?"

"She was annoying me," Maho replied. "Much like you are now. Seems it's a common trait for Council members. Besides, didn't she claim it was fine?"

"I don't care. You don't talk to her like that, and you should do as she says! You need to do Sensha-Do as your elective!"

"I've lived my entire life under the dictatorial thumb of others." Maho looked the girl right in the eye, pushing her aside. "And you don't frighten me nearly enough to make a demand like that." As she walked away from the girl and towards her classroom, she could once again feel the darkness nestling itself inside her. There goes my streak, she thought to herself. I was doing so well today, and that cyclops just had to ruin it. She reached the classroom door and pulled it open.

"Miss Nishizumi, where have…" the teacher began, but Maho was already answering as she took her seat..

"I apologize for my tardiness. A member of the Student Council wanted a word, and it took longer than I thought." Maybe the teacher answered. Maybe they returned to the lesson. Maho didn't really care, or notice for that matter. The darkness had already claimed her mind, pulling her back to the battle with its shadowy tendrils. Pulling her back to the mud and rain, mocking her every move as she tried to act just a bit quicker, as she tried to reach the Panzer III a few moments sooner. Even though it mocked her vain attempts, she still tried. She had to try, even though she knew full well it would neither help, nor change anything. What was done was done. As she had suspected this morning, she didn't need the teddy bear with her to be reminded of the fact.

The rest of the day passed by without Maho even noticing. She had vague memories of the bell chiming to signal the end of the school day, and of walking home alone. But between her 'chat' with the cyclops and her head slamming into her pillow as she fell into bed, everything was a blur. Soon sleep came to her, and the nightmare took her in its usual cold embrace.

The remaining days of the week passed in a similar manner. Maho awoke, walked to school, was avoided by Saori and Hana, sat down in class, focused on the teacher, bought lunch and ate it when classes let out, sat down for afternoon classes, walked home, fell asleep, and relived the nightmare again. Rinse and repeat, day in and day out.

Invariably, the student council would try daily to push her to take up Sensha-Do again, whether it was through actually coming to talk to her, or leaving a pamphlet on the sports many advantages in her bag or locker, or some other attempt to get her to comply. And just as invariably, these attempts would give the void and darkness more opportunities to grasp at Maho's soul, as she gave way to the seductive anger and detachment they could provide her over and over again. For every day that passed, she awoke as just a hint more of the person she used to be, and it sickened her to her core.

The next week began in much the same way. But as Maho was taking her seat in the classroom in the morning, a call went out over the speakers.

"All students are to report to the auditorium for an announcement from the Student Council. I repeat, all students are to report to the auditorium for an announcement from the Student Council."

Well, isn't that just great? Maho thought. What are they gonna do now? Shame me in front of the entire school because I dared defy them? But still, she did as the rest of the students, and made her way to the auditorium. The hall was quite large, but with every single member of the student body crammed inside, it was still rather tight between shoulders. The three girls from the student council took pride of place on the hall's central stage.

"Quiet everyone," the raven-haired cyclops said. "We're starting the orientation on our schools' choices of mandatory electives." The lights died down, the student council walked off the stage, and the ricketing sound of a projector could be heard as a film began to be projected on the back wall of the auditorium. Maho recognized it immediately, and knew where it was all heading.

The characters for 'Introduction to Sensha-Do' appeared on the screen, followed by shot after shot of girls and women of different ages taking part in the sport, or being lauded with cheers driving in great parades.

"Sensha-Do has long been a part of our culture," the brown-haired council member began from aside the stage, narrating the film as it played. "It is enjoyed by girls of all ages across many parts of the world." Maho sighed and wished she could just close her eyes and lean back while the propaganda played, but both the tightly packed auditorium and the grasping tendrils the darkness sent towards her made it impossible. "A strong but delicate art, that aims to make girls and women alike more polite, graceful, modest and gallant, both on and off the battlefield" Maho could have delivered the speech from memory. While she was the Commander at Kuromorimine, she had given it to countless classes, willing many innocent girls to join her on the road to the abyss. They all had deserved better than that, and now she was forced to sit through girls from another school being drawn towards a fate not dissimilar to her own, like moths to a flame. "To pursue the path of Sensha-Do is to armor the heart of a maiden, the soul that embraces and burns with femininity." What they neglected to mention was how an armored heart, burning with femininity, would sink and sputter out in the depths of the abyss.

"Intense and strong like the tank's iron, cute and lively like the clattering of its tracks, and passionate and precise like its main cannon." The narration was, just like it had when Maho had performed this con of a recruitment tool, interrupted by the sound of a Panzer III's 37mm cannon firing. "If you train in Sensha-Do, you will become a better wife, a better mother, a better student, and a better worker." Everything the Nishizumi name had prided itself on for a century, it was all spelled out before her as a clueless mockery of Maho's chosen path. "You will become healthier, kinder, stronger, and men from all over the world will fall at your feet." Much like when Maho had given the presentation herself, she knew full well that this was far from the truth. Tanks were considered girly for a reason, and men and boys rarely did more than run from anyone who achieved even the slightest success in the sport. "This is your chance. Train your body, train your mind, embrace Sensha-Do, and blossom as a woman on the fields of battle." The presentation ended with some faint pyrotechnics, and a copy of the forms the students were to fill out to select their elective projected large on the screen. The formatting of the form made no secret of what the student council wanted students to choose, with Sensha-Do taking up half the page, and the other nine choices being relegated to share the other. The lights faded back in, and the student council returned to the stage.

"Some of you may not know this, but a few years ago it was decided that a world championship of Sensha-Do was to be organized," the black-haired girl said. "And the inaugural tournament of this championship is to be held here in Japan. Therefore, MEXT has requested that schools of all levels do their part in strengthening the Japanese Sensha-Do Federation in preparation for this event." The twin-tailed pipsqueak took over.

"So, therefore we've decided to restart our school's Sensha-Do program. If you choose it as your elective, we will provide a bunch of special benefits. Vice President?" She turned to the Vice President, the brown-haired girl with a ponytail, who nodded and continued from where the pipsqueak had left off.

"Those who perform well in the course will receive 100 vouchers for cafeteria lunches, 200 free passes for late arrivals to school, as well as three times the credit any normal class will provide." A shocked murmur made its way through the auditorium, and even Maho had to admit that she was impressed by the sheer audacity of the bribes the Student Council was offering to those who would dance to their tune.

"So, that's it everyone. We look forward to starting up the electives, so choose well!" the President said with a cheerful wave as the trio made their way off the stage.

After the Student Council's abundantly clear attempt at bribery was over, Maho returned to class along with the other students. The pure annoyance she felt at the Council's conduct was enough to open the door for the darkness. Did they honestly think that she, or anyone else for that matter, was that easily swayed? She only just managed to keep it all at bay by focusing on the lesson, but when lunch came around, her usual mode of distraction proved to be too far away to help her in any meaningful way. The Cafeteria it is, I suppose. Thankfully Maho managed to arrive before the rush of students made the queuing untenable, and sat down at a table to eat. Her dour expression thankfully let her keep it to herself. At least for a while.

"Uhm… Excuse us, but…" Maho's meal was interrupted by Hana's voice, and she turned to glare at the two girls.

"Look, we know that you want to be left alone, but, you know…" she gestured to the packed cafeteria, noting that Maho's table was the only one with empty seats. "We promise we won't talk to you unless you want us to…"

"Fine," Maho sighed, "Just leave me alone." and returned her attention to her food.

"So, what are you gonna pick for your elective Hana?" Saori asked Hana with her usual cheerful voice. Even if they weren't talking to Maho directly, she still couldn't escape their chatter. "I'm thinking Sensha-Do. I can't wait for the boys to start swooning over me!"

"I was going to pick calligraphy to try something new, but I think Sensha-Do might inspire me to do more with my flower arranging."

"That's probably true. Sensha-Do is one of the maidenly arts after all, so it stands to reason that being good at one makes you better at the others, right?"

"I don't think that's quite right, but I look forward to experiencing it. Those tanks looked really elegant the way they moved."

"I don't know about elegant, but did you see all the attention the girls got in that parade at the end? I don't know how I'm going to be able to reject all the love confessions I'm going to get…"

The fools carried on their conversation for quite a while, still talking when Maho left the table. Let them do what they want. It's not like it concerns me anyways.

Maho returned her tray to the kitchen, and began making her way back to the classroom. Unfortunately, her walk was intercepted by the Student Council President.

"Hiya Nishizumi! Did you see the presentation? Perhaps all those extra benefits made you reconsider my offer?"

"No, it didn't. Now go away."

Why do you coddle with her like this? She is an annoyance, and should be struck down, the darkness whispered seductively in her ear, using the voice of her mother. It annoyed Maho even further.

"I haven't even told you why I'm here yet. Listen, about the electives…"

The lesser should be broken by the better, should they not? It's a dog-eat-dog world, so why not break her?

"Leave me alone," Maho growled at her. "I've told you before, I'm not here to do Sensha-Do, so drop it before I do something I regret."

But isn't that what you want? To destroy her, to be rid of this pipsqueak and her demands?

"Oh come on, you don't mean that," the tiny girl continued in her chipper tone, as if Maho's fury was invisible to her. "I just know that once you give it a try, you'll fall right in love with Sensha-Do. It's destiny I tell ya!"

Perhaps she is right? Surely it is destiny that you should be pulled back to the turret of a tank? You were never stronger than when you were in a tank. With a tank you could end this girl and any who oppose you for all time. Why restrain yourself?

"I'm warning you. Stop talking, or else…"

Yes, use me, I beg of you... Use the rage, use the power... Let me give you the strength to silence her...

"I'm just saying, there's nothing more fun or freeing for a girl than Sen…" The President didn't have time to finish her sentence. Maho could feel something within her snap. She turned and grabbed the president by the collar of her shirt with one hand, lifting her a foot off the floor and slamming her into a locker. She had given herself fully to the darkness, sinking into the abyss with every moment as it promised her strength and safety with it's whispers.

Good… You should relax... Let me handle this insignificant nuisance… I insist...

"You think Sensha-Do is 'fun' and 'freeing' do you?! You don't know the first thing about it! It's nothing but a road to oblivion, a shortcut to death and destruction!" Light and color vanished from Maho's vision. All she could see was grey and darkness. She had reached the abyss proper, and all control was lost to her. She was a passenger in her own body, a mere witness to her own actions. "Trick these girls all you want, see if I care! I don't give a damn what happens to them, but don't come preaching to me of the so-called virtues of Sensha-Do! Do you even know who I am?! I am Maho Nishizumi, heir and first-born to the Nishizumi name, and I will destroy you and all you hold dear if you don't leave me alone!" The darkness held her body in it's tendrils, like a puppet on strings. She could do nothing but watch as her body readied itself by pulling a fist back, and fear crept into the girl's eye.

Maho tried to look away, tried to stop herself, but her body refused to obey. Whatever manner of being was pulling the strings, it wasn't her. And so, she was forced to watch as the darkness made her strike, her fist making contact with the locker behind the President, mere inches from the girl's head. She pulled back for another blow, oblivious to the gasps and shouts from the students around them, but before she could land it, she was dragged away. Her grip let go of the President, and as Maho looked to find what had interrupted her, color slowly began returning to the world. A hint of orange hair. Black hair reaching down to a green skirt. It was Hana and Saori. They had stopped her from doing what she wanted, stopped her from beating the ever-loving crap out of the president. That was what she wanted after all, to see her beaten and bloody like the insect she was. Wasn't it? The voice had told her as much…

"Maho, what are you doing?!" Maho could barely hear Saori's voice. It was muffled and silent, as if she was truly at the bottom of the sea. As her body struggled against her classmates' attempts to restrain her, Maho began to swim. She tried to reach the surface, to regain control of herself. She struggled against the torrents and crushing pressure, but after a minute or so, she could see the surface, and her vision was slowly restored. She shook herself free from the two girls, gave the President a final glare, and walked away in silence, feeling as if an invisible smog of darkness surrounded her. The rest of the students could do nothing but stare, not understanding what had happened.

Sleep came easily to Maho that night. Peace did not. In other words, it was like most nights. The cold and rain came to her as she slept, as it always did, and she watched helplessly once again as the Panzer III fell into the river. Why do you care? That is the cost of winning, her mother's voice once again whispered in her ear. When you take aim, you hit. When you advance you break through, and when you defend you hold. Is that not what I taught you? Maho struggled against her restraints as always, but as they released their hold on her, she didn't fall. She was somehow free. Free to run, free to rush to the fallen tank's aid, and yet, as she began to move towards the river, she could feel something holding her ankles in place. She tried to turn and shake it off, but that invariably made her fall. As she hit the mud, she once again found herself in the turret of the Panzer III with her faceless teammates. But they did not share the tank with her this time. The crew carried the faces of Hana and Saori, and their wails were far different. Almost cheerful.

"Well, they say that boys love a girl with trauma!" Saori said in a chipper voice.

"Yes, an experience like this is sure to help me put more feeling into my flower arrangements" Hana replied, equally cheery.

"Why didn't you tell us tanks could lead to all this? We're friends, are we not?"

"Yes, we would never have ended up here if it wasn't for you not telling us."

"Did you want to keep all these fun dreams to yourself?"

"Did you perhaps think your trauma would have less worth if others shared it?"

Maho tried her best to block them out, but they just kept on chatting as if nothing could ever be wrong as the water rose inside the tank. Slowly, the two girls were silenced by the drowning water, and Maho was left alone again, chipping for air in the silence. The water reached the ceiling, and as she struggled to breathe, the hatch suddenly opened and she was lifted from the tank. Suddenly she was floating in place in the murky depths, seeing her sister and old teammates floating lifelessly in the water around her. Her sister and teammates, replicated in the hundreds, littered like leaves in the depths around her. Everything her own actions had lost her, mirrored in their multitudes before her. A sharp jolt of pain pierced her heart, and as she looked down, she saw her torso splitting open, revealing the dark void inside. Black and purple flames burst forth from it, adding to the earth-shattering pain. Maho tried to scream, but she couldn't. Her lungs were filled with water, and no sound would emerge.

As the flames grew larger it was as if they were trying to creep forth from within her. Soon they left the void in her chest entirely, dancing around her, but the pain wouldn't stop. As the flames danced, they grew in size, until they were as large as her, and came to a halt before her. The flames began to twist and turn, slowly taking form, mirroring her own shape and look until there were two perfect mirror images before her. One made of purple flames, the other of black ones. For a moment they stood motionless before her, their faces bowed and their eyes closed. She reached out a hand to try to reach them, and in an instant, their eyelids opened, their open eye-sockets staring blankly at her.

Maho awoke with a scream. She was drenched in sweat, short of breath, and from the looks of her sheets and pillows being thrown across the room, she had been writhing in her sleep. She reached a panicked hand towards her chest, and looking down, found it to be whole. She gave a short sigh of relief. Still, she was covered in sweat, and her bed was equally soaked through. She hadn't reacted quite like this in over six months, so familiar was her nightmare to her, and now it had suddenly changed? She reached over to her nightstand and picked up her phone, before putting it down again. What good would calling him do me? It's not like he'll pick up... She tried to get out of her bed, to get into the shower to clean herself off, but her body felt sluggish and unresponsive. The sharp pain in her chest was still there, and as she forced her body to comply, it only grew.

"Hey, Hana," Saori said to her friend as they walked across campus after lunch. "Have you seen Maho today?"

"No," the tall girl replied. "It's strange. I didn't see her yesterday either."

"I haven't seen her at all since she got in a fight with the Student Council President on Monday."

"I hope she isn't sick. She seems to have enough worries as it is."

"Me too, but four days without showing up to school is weird, isn't it?"

"It is. I wonder what could have happened."

"Ok, here's what we'll do!" Saori said and jumped in front of Hana. "After school is done, we'll go to her apartment and see if she's there."

"But she specifically told us to leave her alone? And we gave her our word?"

"But what if she is injured? What if she fell in the shower and needs our help? Or," she gasped, "what if she's been kidnapped? What kind of friends would we be if we didn't at least go check?"

"I suppose," Hana said, still unsure. "Four days missing is a bit strange… so I guess it's warranted."

As school let out at the end of the day, the two friends began making their way to the apartment complex where Maho lived, unaware that they were being followed.

"Maho?" Hana called out as she knocked on the door. "Are you there? It's Hana and Saori! We're worried about you!"

"Hello?! Anyone ho-oome?!" Saori called out as well, knocking harder and faster on the door.

"I don't think there's any need for that Sao…" Hana began and reached to grab her friend's hand, but accidentally pushed the doorknob, revealing that the door was unlocked as it swung open. They both leaned around the door and looked inside. Boxes were toppled over, their contents spread across the small apartment, all of it having been turned into a great big mess.

"I knew it!" Saori shouted triumphantly, with just a hint of worry. "I knew she had to have been kidnapped. Come on Hana, we need to get to the police station to tell them what's happened" She began to rush down the stairs, but as she rounded the corner, she instead ran straight into another girl that had been peeking around the corner.

"Ow…" the girl said to herself as she rubbed her forehead where she was now sitting on the ground.

"Ow indeed…" Saori said and did much the same. "Hey, wait a minute, who are you? And why were you peeking at us from behind the corner?!"

"Oh, uh, uhm, I mean…"

"Come on, out with it!" Saori said, pushing the issue. "Were you the one who kidnapped Maho?"

"Wait, what?" the girl replied with sudden clarity. "What do you mean kidnapped?"

"Don't play dumb with me Missy. We know that Maho is missing, and considering you were shadowing us, it stands to reason that you're behind this!"

"Wait, what?

"Don't believe me? We are her friends, and she's missing. Now tell us where you've taken her, or I'll have Hana beat you up!" Saori's threat made the girl look with fright at Hana, who shook her head and smiled.

"Saori, I'm not going to beat anyone up, I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable expla…"

"I swear I haven't taken her. I would never dare do anything to harm Miss Nishizumi."

"Then why were you following us?"

"I...uh…"

"Oh, forget it. This is ridiculous. Come on Hana, we'll just have to search the carrier from bow to stern until we find her." Saori got up from the ground, and dusted off her skirt before walking away.

"I'm terribly sorry for all this. Have a nice day," Hana said to the girl as she passed, and bowed in apology. As the two turned the corner and began making their way down the street, they heard the girl calling out for them.

"Hey, wait!" she shouted as she ran towards them. "I might not have taken Miss Nishizumi anywhere, but if you're looking for her, I know where she is!"

"You do?"

"Y-yeah…"

"Then why didn't you say so? Lead the way," Saori said with enthusiasm. "I'm Saori takebe by the way, and that's Hana Izusu."

"Y-Yukari Akiyama, at your service." The girl straightened her back, clacked the non-existent heels of her shoes and saluted the two girls, who could only give her a quizzical look, before turning and leading them the opposite way down the street.

Author's Notes:

After a short hiatus where I had to deal with some other stuff, DWiMW is back. I gotta say, writing this series is really taking it's toll on me, if only because of how mentally draining it is. I really can't wait for when I get to the point where someone can give Maho a hug, cause she really needs it.

As always, reviews, thoughts and feedback are greatly appreciated.