Dein Weg ist Mein Weg

Chapter XIII

The Junior

Even though both the Panzer IV and Churchill was blocked from her view, Maho knew what had happened. The smoke clearing only confirmed it. A white flag was blowing in the wind, and despite the gruesome dent and scorching on the turret ring of the Churchill, the Panzer IV was the one to fly it.

She collapsed back in her seat and simply sat there, quiet and empty, staring at the wall opposite her. In the distance, she might have heard the announcement of St. Gloriana's victory, or she might have heard her crew ask her if she was OK. She didn't. She simply sat there, and let the loss wash over her.

After a minute or so, color and sound slowly began to creep back into the world, and she could feel herself regain control of her body. The moment she had it, she climbed up and out of the tank, and jumped down to the ground.

"Maho, wait!" "Commander, where are you going?!" Saori and Yukari called out behind her as she started to run, but she didn't stop. She couldn't allow them to catch up with her. She ran for several blocks, only stopping when she reached the river at the edge of town. She collapsed on the walkway running along it, and threw up into the water before her. She felt sicker than she had in a long time, her breathing was on the verge of hyperventilating, and she felt like her body would give up at any second.

She could see herself in the water, but despite it looking like her, it wasn't her. It was the old Maho, the one she resented and hated. What the hell had she just done? Why did she do all that? The match replayed in her mind, her every tyrannical action shown to her over and over again. She was supposed to man the radio, not overthrow Saori in the middle of a match and treat her team like pawns. Why didn't she stop? Why did she keep on doing it? This wasn't the deal she had made with herself. She should have just stayed quiet. She should have stayed quiet and remained in her seat like she was supposed to. So why didn't she? Why did she let herself sink back down like that?

For the first time in her life, Maho felt truly terrified. She was shaking all the way to her core, her stomach only wanted to empty itself further despite being empty already, and she was completely petrified. Her mind was a wild jumble of thoughts, jumping back and forth between her actions during the battle, what she had done on that rainy day a year ago, what her mother had done to her, and back again to the horrific demon she had become today. That wasn't her, it couldn't have been. She must have been possessed by some evil spirit. Or perhaps she was still in one of her nightmares, trapped in a prison of her own making. She tried to pinch herself as hard as she could, but to no avail. She was still staring into the river, and her own face stared back.

Her reflection was shattered by tears falling into the water. Much in the same way, Maho felt like she was shattering herself. She should never have done it. She should have just stayed out of it all. She shouldn't have taken command. She shouldn't have said anything when the ambush failed. She shouldn't have suggested she was going to man the radio. She shouldn't have become an advisor to the team, or let Yuzu tell her the stakes, or let Hana, Saori and Yukari get to know her. She shouldn't have left Ogin's that day. She shouldn't have come to this stupid town, or this stupid school. She shouldn't have left the hospital that day. She shouldn't have left Kuromorimine, or her flag tank. She shouldn't have let herself grow soft. She shouldn't have accepted what her mother did to her. She should never have set foot in a tank at all. She should have just let the lake take her that day. She should have just let herself sink to the bottom. She wouldn't have suffered so much if she had, and the world and everyone in it would have been better off for it.

"I must say, I'm impressed…" As her reflection reformed in the water, it spoke back to her. It spoke back to her wearing the blacks and reds of Kuromorimine. "I think maybe we shouldn't have tried quite that hard, but hey; I really didn't think we had it in us. "

"Just… Just go away. You're not me, so just go away."

"Oh, please. We both know that I am. At least in part."

"You're not! And neither was whatever that was back there. So just leave me alone!"

"You think so? I honestly think we haven't been more like ourself in years. Again, we probably went a little overboard, but this is progress."

"That wasn't me. It was… It was… It wasn't me."

"Perhaps. Or perhaps, you now realize that I was right?"

"I'm telling you, that wasn't me!"

"Oh give it up, Maho." Her reflection smiled back at her. "You enjoyed it, didn't you? The power, the sound of cannonfire, that feeling of invincibility. You enjoyed it, just like I said you did, and that's what you're trying to hide from yourself."

"Shut up…"

"But you can't hide anything from me Maho. After all, I'm a part of you."

"SHUT UP!" She struck the water with her fist, shattering her reflection once again, before she recoiled from the water's edge. Whatever that mirror image of her was, it wasn't her. Not that it mattered what it was, since Maho knew it was clearly lying.

Maho's rushing thoughts froze when something cold touched her neck, and shivers were sent down her spine. She flinched and turned around, only to see a blond girl with braided hair in a red and black uniform.

"My my… What have we here? A lost tiger cub perhaps?" She reached down and handed Maho the bottle of water she had pressed against her neck, and sat down on a bench a few steps behind her.

"Go away Darjeeling," Maho growled, but opened the bottle and drank. The cold water at least helped clear the taste of vomit from her mouth. "I don't want to hear any of your stupid sayings."

"And here I had the perfect one thought out." Darjeeling smiled at Maho, which in no way made Maho less frustrated. "It's a shame really, but oh well…" she shrugged.

"What do you want? If you're here to gloat you can do it somewhere else."

Darjeeling put a hand to her heart, and looked away in a theatrical fashion. "You wound me with your words, Nishizumi. Truly, I am hurt. Can't a commander merely hold concern for her opponent's wellbeing?"

"So you are here to gloat…" Maho took another sip of water, and wished that her legs would allow her to leave. The world seemed determined to play this prank on her however, and so she was unable to.

"Nothing of the sort." Darjeeling leaned forward on the bench and looked at Maho with concern. "You don't exactly seem to be doing well, so I thought I would…"

"I'm fine. Just leave me alone and I'll do even better."

"Really? That's not the impression you give off, my dear."

"I. Am. Fine," Maho snarled, and averted her eyes from Darjeeling's gaze. "So just go away and stop worrying about something that's none of your business."

"You know, I didn't think I would see you again…" Darjeeling leaned back on the bench as she spoke, simultaneously ignoring Maho and changing the subject. "The Commander of Kuromorimine values the life of another over winning, especially their tenth consecutive win, and then disappears. That's quite the story. Some people even claimed you'd done 'the honorable thing' like in the days of old. I wasn't among them of course, but you have to agree that it is strange we should meet like this. I wish I had put money on you returning to the sport. The winnings for you becoming a commander again would have fetched some very fine tea indeed…"

"I'm not a commander! I'm just an advisor, and I just happened to sub in as radio operator in the Panzer IV. Nothing more. You'll have to pay for your stupid tea out of pocket."

"I see. Then Ooarai doesn't quite seem to have grasped exactly what a radio operator's job is, because last I checked, they're not supposed to be in command of the tank."

"I said; I'M NOT IN COMMAND OF ANYTHING! Besides, even if I was commanding, it's not like it made a difference. We were losing back in the ravine, and we lost here in town."

"True. But as long as it stays between us, I'll tell you a little secret, Radio Operator Nishizumi." Darjeeling got up from the bench, and walked over to Maho, where she kneeled down and whispered in her ear. "If you had been in command from the start, I wouldn't have stood a chance. Not even against a hap-hazard team like that."

Maho sat stunned, trying to come up with a response, but when she had one figured out, Darjeeling had already walked off somewhere.

She remained by the river for a while longer after Darjeeling had left, before finally getting back on her feet and turning to walk back to the harbor and the Zuikaku.

She didn't get very far. As she passed through town and the gathering spot for the reclaimed tanks, the rest of the team came running over, almost swarming her.

"Maporin!" Saori shouted and hugged her tightly. "That was incredible!"

"Get off me!" Maho yelled and wrangled free. "And leave me alone!"

"But Commander, we almost won," Yukari said with admiration in her eyes.

"But we didn't! We lost, so leave me alone! And I'm not your goddamned commander!" Maho began taking determined strides towards the harbor, and most of the team parted to give her room. At least, all but two did.

"Where do you think you're going?" Momo said coldly, refusing to move.

"Away from here, you cyclops."

"Well, we're not exactly done here yet, are we?" Anzu noted, almost gleefully. "There's still the matter of the bet."

"What bet?" Maho growled through gritted teeth, and closed her hands into fists. Anzu took a step back when she noticed, but didn't seem too deterred.

"The bet we made with St. Gloriana. The losing team, which means us, will perform the Ankou dance for the winners." She put a hand on Maho's shoulder, turned her towards the gathered tanks and began trying to push her in their direction. "So come on, it's time for us all to change!"

Maho pushed the hand away. "I never agreed to that…" she said in a cold voice.

"Well, I made the bet on the team's behalf, and you're on the team, so…"

"I'M NOT ON THE TEAM!" Maho pushed Anzu to the ground and glared at her. "So you can take your bets and your dance and go to hell, you arrogant pipsqueak!" She put her hands in her pockets, and began walking away again. After only a few steps she was stopped again. A hand appeared on her shoulder, and held her in place. In the corner of her eye, Maho could see that it belonged to Momo.

"You. are not. leaving." Momo said with a veiled anger that rivaled Maho's own.

"Take your hand off of me…" Maho spoke with a voice sharp enough to cut steel, "or this is the last day you'll have hands."

"You will apologize." Momo's voice faltered slightly, but she continued. "You will apologize for what you just did, and you will do as the President says. Your little stunt in the Panzer lost us the match, and you will face the…"

Momo didn't get to finish. She didn't even see it coming. In the blink of an eye, Maho spun around and punched the girl right in the face. She fell backwards into Yuzu, who stopped her from hitting the ground. Maho shook her hand a few times against the pain, but as she looked at Momo, she almost smiled. Her monocle had fallen off and was lying on the ground, while she held a hand to her most likely broken nose, blood trickling down her face. "You… You bitf…"

"IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO BLAME THE LOSS ON, YOU CAN LOOK IN THE MIRROR! AN AMBUSH A TODDLER WOULD SEE COMING?! WAS THAT REALLY YOUR INVINCIBLE STRATEGY?! HATE AND DESPISE ME ALL YOU WANT, BUT DON'T YOU DARE SUGGEST THAT I LOST US THIS MATCH! I'VE CAUSED A LOSS BEFORE, AND IT SURE DIDN'T LOOK LIKE THIS!" The confusion and commotion that followed gave Maho an opportunity to leave, and she took it. She left the stunned team behind her, and walked back to her apartment aboard the Zuikaku.

"Azusa, are you coming?!" Aya called out as the group began to leave, but Azusa shook her head.

"You go on ahead. I've got someone I need to talk to first."

"Oh? What's his name?" Ayumi teased, but Azusa just shook her head and sighed.

"Just go. I'll catch up with you later." She pushed her friends towards the school gates, and waved as they left, before she sat down on a bench and waited.

After ten minutes or so, Azusa saw who she was looking for. She got up from the bench, and walked over to place herself in the path of the older girl, and as she got closer, put her hands together and bowed low.

"Commander Nishizumi! I'm really sorry about…" She didn't get much further before the Commander had walked past her, ignoring her completely.

Azusa wouldn't let this setback stop her. She needed to apologize to the Commander properly for her and her team's cowardice. While no one had actually blamed her for it, she knew that their failure to remain in the M3 Lee was a big part of the team losing against St. Gloriana. She knew that they could do better, and that they could have helped turn the tide, but they didn't. They all just panicked and ran, leaving the Commander and their seniors to try and deal with it by themselves.

The following day, she once again endured some teasing from her friends, waved them goodbye as they left school, and waited. The Commander came walking towards the gate, and Azusa once again tried to get her attention. This time she elected to walk beside her as she spoke, in the hopes that this would be a more obvious way of starting a conversation.

"Commander Nishizumi, I just wanted to…"

"Go away."

The answer was short, to the point, and stung worse than a hornet. Azusa was left stunned and silent as the Commander kept on walking. It was as if she was nothing more than an annoyance to the older girl, like a fly in need of swatting.

This continued for the rest of the week. Azusa tried everyday after school to get the attention of the Commander, and every day she was denied it.

"Go away." "Leave me alone." "Get out of my way." These were the few words Azusa received as answer, never once actually getting to express her apology to the Commander.

"So, Azusa," the Student Council President said as she put an arm around her shoulder, "how's it going with Nishizumi? Have you gotten her to budge yet?"

"Eh? Uhm… n-n-no, Ma-madam President… She won't even talk to me…" Azusa had always prided herself on being someone others could depend on, but the kind of clandestine work the President had recruited her for made her deeply uncomfortable. She was just hoping the President wouldn't notice.

"Oh well." She patted Azusa on the back a few times, and grinned. "Just keep at it. You know how important this is, right? We need her on side to make this work."

"Ye-yeah… right… I'll… I'll do my best." Azusa tried to hide her nervousness behind a smile, and looked down at the floor.

The president let Azusa go, and put a hand on either of her shoulders, looking her in the eye. "I'm counting on you Azusa. You know that right? You're the only one who can make this happen"

"R-right… I… I won't let you down…"

"Excellent! Just remember, this is our little secret!" Azusa received a few more pats to the back, and the President walked away.

"What did the President want?" Karina asked Azusa when she returned to her friends.

"Huh? Oh. It… it was nothing." She leaned back against the M3 Lee and tried not to make any eye contact. "It's just… nothing. Everything's fine."

Her friends did exchange a few concerned glances, but they didn't ask any more questions. Not that they would have had the time anyways, as the President began to bellow from on top of the 38(t).

"Alright everyone, I've counted the votes, and it's settled! We're going for it!"

"But Madame President, is this really such a good ide…" Miss Takebe of the Panzer IV asked, but the President quickly interrupted.

"That's what the votes showed the team wants, so that's what we're doing!" She leapt down to the ground again, and gave a quick wave of the hand as she began to leave the garage together with the rest of the student council. "That's all, everyone. Dismissed!"

Azusa spent the weekend with her friends watching movies. It was their traditional weekend activity, but this particular weekend she had a hard time enjoying the films. She was too preoccupied with trying to figure out a solution to the issue of Commander Nishizumi. How was she going to get her to listen to her, not to mention talk to her? All her previous attempts had barely been worth calling attempts, and she was running out of ideas. She didn't want to impose herself, that would just be rude, and was likely to give her the same fate as the Student Council PR-officer, Miss Kawashima.

"Hello?! Earth to Azusa?!" Yuuki said and knocked her on the head a few times.

"Huh? What?" Azusa snapped back to her surroundings.

"It's time to go. We're heading back, and I don't think you want to sleep on Yuuki's floor." Aya called from the hall.

"Oh… right. I'm coming." she quickly got up from where she had been sitting, and rushed over to join the rest of her friends in the hall. "Thanks for the snacks Yuuki. I'll see you at school!" She added before rushing out the door.

"You sure you're ok?" Ayumi asked her as they walked towards the dorms.

"Yeah, you've been spacing out a lot recently." Aya continued.

"It's… It's nothing." Azusa smiled and increased her pace a little bit so she was at the front of the group. She turned and walked backwards for a few paces while she continued. "Besides, it's a secret." She turned again, and began to run towards the dorms, with her friends trying to catch up.

"What do you mean a secret?!"

"Azusa wait!"

"Is it a boyfriend? How long have you been dating?!"

Monday was here, and Azusa steeled herself. She waited by the school gates like she used to, but this time was going to be different. She was sure of it. She saw Commander Nishizumi exit the school and walk towards the gate, and so she made her move.

"Commander Nishizumi! I just wanted to…"

"Go away." Azusa had expected a reply like that, but she didn't let it get to her. As Commander Nishizumi kept walking out through the gates and down the streets of the Zuikaku, she made sure to keep pace.

"I would, but I really need to talk…"

"I don't. So go away."

"Please, I really feel like we should talk about what happened…"

"There's nothing to talk about, and even if there was, I'm not in the mood. Leave me alone."

"But Commander Nishizumi…"

"I'M NOT YOUR COMMANDER! AND DON'T CALL ME NISHIZUMI EITHER!" The Commander spun around and yelled Azusa right in the face, which left her utterly stunned. "I'm sorry," the commander sighed. "I shouldn't have yelled. But just… just leave me alone." she turned and kept walking, while Azusa remained where she was, still stunned.

After a few seconds however, Azusa composed herself. She curled her hands into fists, and asked the question she needed answered, straight out. "What did I do to make you hate me?!"

The question made Maho stop in her tracks. She bowed her head and sighed, but didn't turn to face the girl. "I don't hate you," she said, trying to sound convincing. Maho only hated two people in the world. Herself, and her mother.

"Then why do you keep avoiding me?!"

"I'm not avoiding you, I'm just…"

"What do you call this then? You're just walking away! Just like you did all of last week! And even before the match, you always avoided me! You gave pointers and advice to everyone else on the team, but me!" By this point Azusa was crying as she yelled proof after proof at Maho. "So why?! Why do you hate and avoid me?!"

Maho stood silent. She didn't want this. She didn't want to experience all of this anew. She knew what would happen. But it seemed the world was intent on toying with her. She turned and began to walk over to Azusa. "Here." She pulled out a handkerchief from her bag, and handed it to the first-year. "Take it. You need it more than me." Azusa looked with confusion at the handkerchief for a second, before accepting it and drying her tears. "I've been avoiding you because you remind me of someone. Someone I'd rather not be reminded of."

"So I remind you of someone you hate?"

"No, that's not what I…" Maho sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. She gave a quick glance around to see that they were alone, which they were. "Do you need to be somewhere?" Azusa slowly moved her head back and forth, and Maho pointed to a bench in an empty playground beside the road. They walked over to it, and each took a seat.

"The reason I've been avoiding you is… It's because you remind me of someone I cared for very much. Someone I won't get to talk to again." Maho glanced over to Azusa, but it was obvious that she wasn't entirely following. "You remind me of Miho… My younger sister. She was the most important thing in the world to me... still is, and I'll never see her again." She sighed and looked down at the ground. "I just… I just wanted to keep her safe, and I couldn't. I've been broken by a lot of things in my life, but losing her… that was the most painful."

"Oh…" Azusa looked down at her shoes.

"That's why I've been avoiding you Azusa. I know it's unfair, and I really shouldn't take the fact that you remind me of her out on you, but I'm scared. I'm absolutely terrified of getting to know you, because I know that if I do, I'll just worry about losing you the way I lost her. If you had just been one of my juniors, and we didn't both do tankery, then maybe I could have dealt with it, but as it stands I just don't… I just don't think I can handle it." She sighed, and put her face in her hands.

"Miss Nishizumi…"

"Don't… just don't call me that."

"But then…"

"My name's Maho. Nothing else." She lifted her face and looked at Azusa with a faint smile. "It's only fair, right? I call you Azusa, you call me Maho?"

"I… I guess that's fair."

"Look, I'm sorry about avoiding you. I didn't mean to make you think I hated you. I just… I just couldn't deal with losing Miho again."

"It's… it's fine. I didn't know. I shouldn't have been bothering you." Azusa carefully got up to leave, and bowed again to the Commander. "I'm sorry for taking up your time, comma-I mean Maho."

"You wanted to talk to me about something…" Maho said as Azusa began to leave. "Didn't you?"

"Oh, well, I mean, I did, but…"

"What was it?"

"Oh, it was nothing really…"

"Come on, out with it. I took up enough of your time with my sob-story, it's only fair I let you take up some of mine." Maho gestured for Azusa to sit back down.

"I… I wanted to apologize to you."

"What for? You haven't done anything wrong, have you?"

"But I did! The entire crew did! Last weekend, during the battle. You and all the seniors gave your all, and we just ran and hid. We should have stayed and helped, but we were all cowards, It was just, all those tanks started firing, and the Lee started to rattle... "

"Azusa."

"and there was the banging and we panicked and then…"

"Azusa! Calm down. It's ok. I don't blame you. Not in the slightest."

"You don't? But what about the battle…"

"We lost the battle the moment we tried to ambush St. Gloriana like that. It wouldn't have mattered what any of us did."

"How… how do you know that?"

"Because everyone did the best they could. You had never been in a real battle before. Of course you were scared. I was scared too."

"You were?"

"Sure. I've been scared every time I set foot in a tank."

"But… But you looked so cool and confident when you led the team through the comeback."

"That wasn't me. I just spent the entire match hiding inside my shell of a body." Maho sighed and looked across the playground into the distance. "Do you enjoy Sensha-Do?"

"What?"

"Sensha-Do. Do you enjoy doing it?"

"I… I guess I do?"

"You guess?"

Azusa looked at Maho, and thought about what she had said. Did she actually enjoy Sensha-Do? Or was she still just doing it because it was what her friends wanted to do?

"No. I know I do. Even if I ran, I know that I could have done more. I could have kept the crew together, and I could have helped. And if I could go back to that morning, I would have. I would have made sure to help, and I would have made sure we won."

"I see…"

"Do… do you enjoy Sensha-Do?"

Maho sat silently with a far-away look in her eye for the better part of a minute, until finally she responded. "I don't know. I sure used to. At least, I think I did. Now I'm not sure." She stood up, and turned to leave. "But if you enjoy Sensha-Do, then I think you'll only get better at it, as long as you keep trying. I even think you could become a good commander one day." She began walking away again, but just as she was leaving the abandoned playground, she stopped. She looked over her shoulder, and gave a quick wave to her junior. "I'll see you around, Azusa."

Next time on Dein Weg ist Mein Weg: Anzu enacts her sinister scheme, Maho leaves the Zuikaku, and a face from her past makes an unwelcome appearance...

Author's Notes:

And so ends the first real battle of Dein Weg ist Mein Weg. As many predicted, Maho's mental state didn't exactly improve from it, but perhaps having Azusa by her side will help? And speaking of Azusa, what's she and Anzu up to? Who knows?

Anyhoo, this week FFN has seemingly decided not to have a heart attack, so I can give you all the pleasure of reading the chapter properly. Here's hoping last weeks issue doesn't come back. knocks on wood

As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts, and I'll see you all next week for Chapter 14. Let me tell you now, you don't want to miss it.

So long,

/Rihno