Dein Weg ist Mein Weg
Chapter XV
The Past
A/N: Hello everyone and welcome to this week's chapter; The Past. Word of warning, this chapter is a bit weird. What you will find here is a series of flashbacks to different events in Maho's past, which don't necessarily have anything to do with each other, but they are all important in their own way. So if it seems like an event doesn't seem continuous with the one before or after it, that would be why.
Also, important content warnings: This chapter contains depictions of drowning, trauma, domestic child abuse, as well as references to self-harm.
Despite this, I hope you can enjoy this week's chapter. I'll see you again at the end.
Water
At first, Maho didn't notice or understand what was happening. She was just feeling cold. Then she noticed her vision was blurry, and sounds seemed muted. It all became clear when she tried to breathe however. Water flooded into her mouth and lungs. She was sinking. She tried to struggle and thrash to get back to the surface, but to no avail. She just sunk faster. Soon she hit the bottom, and the edge of her vision blurred more and more until it blackened. She kept trying to struggle, but kelp wrapped itself around her legs and arms, keeping her tied to the bottom.
She involuntarily tried to take another breath, but there was only more water. It all became blacker and darker as she felt her thoughts slowing. Her mind was becoming sluggish, and she tried time and time again to breathe, but no air would come. She almost felt sleepy. It was like she had been up late celebrating the new years, and she should just let sleep and darkness take her. She soon lost what little energy she had left to struggle, and collapsed limply on the bottom, the world slipping away from her as she fell into blackness.
The next thing she knew, she was coughing. She was coughing, and throwing up water as someone pushed repeatedly against her chest. She gasped for air, and tried to focus both her mind and vision. She failed. All she could see was the sun in the sky, and black formless blots moving against it.
"Maho! Oh thank the stars! I was so worried!" a voice she thought she recognized said as someone or something hugged her, but she was too dizzy to see who. She closed her eyes and fell back into the dark.
A Lesson and A Burden
The moment the shell left the barrel, Maho knew her mistake. She had miscalculated her target's speed while rushing to fire, and the shot hit several feet ahead of the drone driving along the practice range.
"Well," she heard her mother say behind her. "I suppose that ends our lesson for today." Maho felt a chill run up her spine, in dreadful anticipation of the words she knew would follow. "Go clean up and eat dinner, then report to my study by 1830. Understood?"
"Yes Mother," she answered without emotion. Showing emotion would only add to her troubles.
"Big sis?"
Maho looked up from her plate. Miho was standing beside her, an innocent smile on her face.
"What is it, Miho?" she asked, and tried to push her mistake and the punishment that would surely follow from her mind.
"Why do you look so sad?"
"I don't look sad, do I?" Maho said, trying her best to force a wide smile and giving off the appearance of happiness. "See?"
Miho hummed pensively, and looked down to the stuffed bear she was holding. "What do you think, Boko?" "Yeah, I think so too." She looked back up at Maho. "Boko thinks you look sad on the inside."
Maho had a hard time containing a giggle as she looked at her sister and the bear. "Does he now?"
Miho looked again at the bear and asked it something inaudible, using her grip to make it nod, before looking back at Maho. "Mhmm. Come on!" She grabbed Maho by the arm, and began dragging her down from the chair and out of the dining room.
"Miho," Maho called out, surprised by Miho dragging her away from her half-finished dinner.
"Come on! Boko has an idea to make you happy again!"
Maho was led by her sister to her room, and was left standing near the doorway as Miho rummaged around in a box, pulling up what looked to Maho as near identical teddy bears one after the other and gingerly placing them beside her on the floor. There was no shortage of bandaged bears lining the shelves and any other flat surface in the room. Everywhere Maho looked there were copies of the bear in different sizes, colors, and with different wounds, all comically bandaged.
"There you are!" Miho said triumphantly, and turned around to face Maho again. She walked over towards her, hugging something very tightly and whispering gently to whatever it was. "Here," she said, and held out a smaller bear towards Maho, cupping it in her hands.
"Miho, I…"
"Whenever I'm sad, Boko always makes me happy again, so if you have Boko with you, you won't be sad anymore."
Maho picked up the small bear and looked at it, unable to contain a smile. "Are you sure? I'm sure he would be much happier with you."
Miho nodded. "I'm sure. He said that he would be just as happy with Maho."
"I see," Maho chuckled, and held the small bear to her ear. "What's that? You're going to miss Miho?" Now it was Miho's turn to giggle, and Maho held the small bear towards her. "He says he wants a kiss goodbye from you."
Miho leaned forward and gave the bear a kiss on each cheek. "You be a good Boko and take care of Maho, ok?"
"You betcha," Maho said in a squeaky voice and moved the bear up and down as she spoke. "Private Boko is ready for duty!"
"Ma-ho," Miho laughed, "That's not what he sounds like."
At precisely half past six, Maho knocked on the large oak door to her mother's study.
"Enter," the call was heard from beyond it, and so she opened the door and stepped inside. Her mother sat at her desk looking through some documents, so Maho walked to the center of the room, and stood at attention. She knew what was about to happen, and she knew how it would all go down. This was not the first time she had been called to her mother's study.
Her mother continued looking through her documents for several minutes, ignoring Maho all the while, but Maho didn't move. After another couple of minutes, her mother put the documents down, leaned forwards in her chair, and steepled her fingers as she looked at Maho. "You missed." It wasn't a question. Just a cold statement of fact and disappointment.
"Yes Mother."
"Why?"
"In my attempt to minimize the time it took to fire, I miscalculated the target's speed. It was traveling at 33km/h, not 35. This miscalculation led to me missing by 4 feet." Maho didn't move as she spoke. She merely recited her mistake from memory.
"Correct." Her mother got up from behind her desk, and walked over to one of her bookshelves, her back turned as she spoke. "This is a mistake that cannot be allowed to repeat itself. When a Nishizumi fires, they hit their target. Understood?"
"Yes Mother."
"Remove your shirt, and face the wall."
"Yes Mother," Maho replied, and did as instructed. The cold autumn breeze flowing in through the open panels along the side of the study chilled her skin. She walked over to the wall, and faced it, while carefully folding her shirt and placing it on the floor beside her. Once she was finished, Maho could hear her mother walk closer, stopping just behind her.
"Recite the lesson," she said in her cold and unyielding voice. "We must ensure it will be remembered."
"When a Nishizumi fires, they hit their target." Maho said out loud. As soon as she was finished, a short whizzing sound was heard, followed by a stinging pain appearing in a thin line across her back.
"Again."
"When a Nishizumi fires, they hit their target." Again, a whizz and a stinging pain on her back. As if following her own lesson, her mother struck in the exact same spot as her first hit. As she always did. 'Every lesson should leave it's own scar, so that they are clear and easy to remember' she had told Maho the first time she was called into the study a few years ago.
"Again."
"When a Nishizumi fires, they hit their target." Once again, her mother hit her mark. The pain was excruciating as the piece of carved bamboo slowly cut deeper and deeper with every strike. But Maho didn't cry. She didn't flinch. She didn't react in any way. She just continued repeating the words, and endured. The first few times she had been called in, she had cried out in pain with every strike. She had flinched, and begged her mother to stop. That only gave way to another lesson that needed to be remembered, and soon, Maho had learned to stay still and quiet.
"Again."
The session continued for what felt like eternity. It usually did. Once her skin cracked and blood flowed freely along her back, Maho recited her lesson one final time, and was excused. In the corner of her eye, she could see her mother return to her desk and documents as if nothing had happened. She turned and bowed to her mother.
"Thank you, Mother," she said, and left the room
Kikuyo was waiting outside the door as Maho hobbled out of her mother's study. She covered Maho in the towel she was holding, and helped her towards her room.
"I'm sorry, Miss Nishizumi…" she said as Maho flinched when she began cleaning the wound. "But we really must clean it out."
"Yes, I know." Maho tried her best to hold still, taking deep breaths all the while to steady herself. Kikuyo had helped her like this before. Every time she left her mother's office, Kikuyo was there waiting with a clean towel and a comforting smile.
"I'm about to apply the alcohol, Miss Nishizumi. Are you ready?"
Maho took another few breaths, and steeled herself. "Yes." The alcohol stung and burned, almost rivaling the pain that had caused the wound itself. But Kikuyo moved with a steady hand and a quick pace, doing her best to spare Maho any pain. Soon the wound was cleaned, and Kikuyo had applied a bandage to cover it until it healed.
"There, all done." She could feel Kikuyo running a gentle hand across her back. "That makes thirteen… It really is not what you deserve, Miss Nishizumi…"
"No, I do. I missed, and when a Nishizumi fires, they hit their target. Mother only wants to help me get stronger." She spoke with an innocent and naive tone. "And if I just remember my lessons, Mother won't have to help me remember them…"
"I see…" Kikuyo said in a low and caring voice. "Well, let's get you to bed then, Miss Nishizumi. You need rest if you are to remember your lessons and get stronger." She picked up Maho, and gingerly put her in bed, tucking her in tightly. She was about to leave and turn off the lights when Maho spoke again.
"Kikuyo?"
"Yes, Miss Nishizumi?
"Do you think I'm strong?"
"I think you're very strong, Miss Nishizumi." She ran a hand through Maho's hair as she spoke.
"As strong as Mother?"
"Even stronger. Now, it's time to sleep." She got up from the bed, and walked over to the door.
"Kikuyo?"
"Yes?"
"I think you're strong too."
Kikuyo smiled. "Thank you, Miss Nishizumi. Good night."
"Goodnight!"
Long Range and Close Sisters
"A little more to the right... Little more… There. Try now!"
The cannon of the Panzer III fired, and a second later, the shell impacted. It had hit just behind the drone Maho had set to patrol the firing range.
"Aaw, I'll never get this. It's too hard, Big sis," Miho sulked from the gunner's seat.
"No, you were super close," Maho said encouragingly as she loaded another shell into the breach of the gun. "You just have to try again."
"No, I can't do it," she protested from her seat and pulled her knees up towards her chin. "I'll never be able to do Tankery."
The words echoed in Maho's mind. She had brought Miho out with the Panzer III twice a week for months now, trying to help train her in how to drive, load, operate the radio, man the gun, and command a tank. She needed to know it all like a running water once their mother began training her. If she could do it all perfectly, if she could remember all that the Nishizumi style stood for, there would be no need for mother to call her to the study.
"Scooch over a bit," Maho said and clambered around the gun to sit in the gunner's seat, with Miho in her lap. "Just take it slow and work it through. You remember how to calculate ít right?"
"Yeah…" Miho said, disheartened. "I guess…"
Maho walked Miho through the different steps again, and got the gun aimed anew.
"I think I've got it…" Miho said in an uncertain voice.
"Then just tell me when to fire, and we'll see."
"Ok…" Miho said, and waited. "Now, Maho! Fire!"
Maho pushed down on the trigger, and the gun roared. The shell flew across the practice range, and the drone rattled from the impact. It settled after a second, and a white flag popped out as it began driving itself back to the starting location.
"I DID IT! I DID IT! DID YOU SEE, MAHO?" Miho celebrated as she jumped up and down in Maho's lap. For a second Maho was afraid she was going to hit her head on the ceiling, but the hatch was thankfully left open.
"I saw it, Miho. You did great." She couldn't help but smile and laugh together with her sister, her celebratory spirit driving any worries away. "I bet you can't do it again though," she said, trying to coax Miho into continuing.
"Yes I can!" Miho said defiantly.
"Oh yeah?" She put Miho down on the floor and clambered back to the loader's seat. "If you can hit the target three more times, I'll let you have my dessert after dinner tonight."
"You got it, Big Sis!" Miho said confidently as Maho loaded another shell and the session continued.
An Officer and A Lady
"I thank you for coming, Commander Chono. Your leadership, for all it's worth, has set an example for all to follow."
"Thank you, Lady Nishizumi. You are too kind. I only worked from what you taught me."
"Quite... I suppose a certain level of innovation is to be admired, even if your interpretation of my family's style is… unorthodox, to say the least."
"Ah, well," the commander shrugged, "I find there are some elements of the style that lack a certain tact and civility expected of a maiden. None of which are evidence of your own failings, of course."
"I see…" Lady Nishizumi answered coldly. "Still, I suppose there's no arguing with results. A victory is a victory after all, and winning the national championship three years in a row is no small feat. I hope your successor will not disappoint us. But perhaps she will hold more respect for tradition."
Ami Chono had done what few thought possible. She had not only risen to the rank of Commander of Kuromorimine's Sensha-Do team during her first year, but had also led them to victory in the Federation's national championship during all three of her years there. Whenever Kuromorimine had stood victorious in the championship in the past, her mother had invited the team's commander to an extravagant dinner to celebrate the victory, and through her consecutive victories, Ami had become at least tolerated by Lady Nishizumi, if not accepted. Maho and Miho spent the majority of the dinner in silence, as Commander Chono and her mother exchanged what on the surface appeared as pleasantries. They spoke only when spoken to, just like they had been taught.
"So, Commander Chono, what are your intentions for the future?"
"I haven't quite decided yet, Lady Nishizumi. I'm considering joining the JSDF."
"The JSDF?" Maho looked on as her mother scoffed. It was clear that she viewed the armed forces with a disdain that seemed incompatible with the regard she held for Sensha-Do. "That seems to me a senseless waste of your talents, Miss Chono. But I suppose you could use a little discipline… Still, why not aim for one of the professional teams, or a posting within the Federation?"
"Well, they have very strict conditions to…"
"I hold a great deal of influence within the Federation, Miss Chono, and you have honored Kuromorimine greatly these past three years. I'm certain we can find an occupation worthy of someone of your… talents…"
"Ah," Ami bowed her head, looking slightly nervous, before looking up again. "If you say so, Lady Nishizumi. I would… be grateful, for any support you may offer me…"
"Hey Maho!" Ami called out as Maho passed through the hall as she was putting on her jacket, preparing to leave. She and Miho had been excused while Ami and her mother discussed 'adult business'.
"Hi Ami," Maho replied excitedly, and came rushing over to her. "I think you were great in the finals! The way you just broke through those Cromwells was awesome!"
"Oh yeah?!" Ami replied, feigning humility. "You mean like this?" She grabbed Maho and turned her around, holding her with an arm under her armpits, as she used the other to tickle Maho. She tried her best to struggle free, which was rather difficult between all the laughing. Ami's lax and rebellious style might have made her an enemy of her mother's, but to Maho she was a welcome change of pace.
"Hahaha...stop...haha...I mean it…" Maho giggled as she finally managed to break free, and shared a smile with the older girl.
"God, you keep getting bigger, don't you? Last time I was here you barely reached my elbows, and now look at you." She ruffled Maho's hair a bit, and knelt down so that she was at eye-level with her.
"I'm stronger too! I bet I could beat you with one arm tied behind my back!"
"Oh yeah? You've got guts, challenging the commander of Kuromorimine!" Ami said with feigned sternness, before breaking down into a chuckle. "You'll do fine Maho. I'm sure you'll do fine."
"Will I see you again?"
"Well, I probably won't be welcome back here after I leave Kuromorimine, but I'm sure we'll meet again someday." Ami pulled out a pack of gum and began chewing on a piece. "If nothing else you'll probably come to take my spot in Kuromorimine's hall of fame."
"You think so?!"
"I'm sure of it, buddy…"
"Maho," her mother called from the hall, and Maho instantly snapped to attention and turned to face her cold glare.
"Yes, Mother?"
"What have I said about bothering my guests? Commander Chono does not need you giving her trouble. Off to bed."
"Yes Mother," she replied, and began making her way towards her room, leaving Ami behind.
A Memory Forgotten
She struggled to keep herself above the surface, but it didn't matter how much she struggled. Maho was sinking beneath the waves, and she couldn't stop it. She tried to take a deep breath before she went under, but water somehow managed to fill her mouth as the waves pulled her down. She tried to breathe, but there was only water. She struggled to get back to the surface, but she only sank. Her vision blurred and blackened, and she was almost falling asleep as she lost all energy and strength she had left.
Her eyes shot open, and she bolted upright in her bed. The memory of the nightmare quickly vanished, but her fear did not. She was scared, and she felt cold and alone. She crawled out of her bed and threw a blanket around her head and shoulders to keep her warm. Outside she could hear the wind howling and the rain pouring onto the roof and walls of their house. She walked as quietly as she could through the dark halls of her home, the faint pitter-patter of bare feet on the hard wooden floor being drowned by the storm outside.
Once she reached her destination, she carefully slid the door open and walked inside.
"Kikuyo?" she asked meekly into the dark room, and was answered only by a snore. She closed the door behind her, and walked over to the servants bed. "Kikuyo?" she asked again, and tugged gently at her sleeve.
"Hmm…" she groaned in answer, and stirred slightly.
"Kikuyo… I can't sleep…" Maho tugged at Kikuyo's sleeve again, and she slowly began to rouse.
"Miss Nishizumi?" Kikuyo said groggily and yawned. "What are you doing up? Go back to bed."
"No," Maho answered meekly. "I can't sleep. I had a… a nightmare."
Kikuyo finally woke up enough to realize the situation, and reached over to turn on the lamp beside her bed, filling the corner of her room with a faint but warm light.. "I see," she said and smiled at Maho once their eyes had readjusted to the light. "What was the nightmare about?"
"I was…" Maho began, before stopping as tears began welling in her eyes. "I can't remember… But I'm scared…" She dried some of the tears with the corner of her blanket. "Can I sleep with you tonight?"
Kikuyo sat silent in her bed for a few seconds and looked down at Maho, before giving a quiet sigh and answering. "Oh, alright then." She reached down and lifted the girl up and beside her, tucking her neatly underneath her covers and putting her pillow under Maho's head.
"Thank you, Kikuyo," Maho said in a low voice. "I'm sorry I was so scared."
"Oh, don't be," Kikuyo said. "It's only when we're scared that we can be brave, right?"
"I guess so…" Maho yawned, and began falling to sleep while Kikuyo hummed a song she used to sing the girls to sleep with when they were younger.
Panic at the Tank Range
"Target at 7 o'clock."
"Yes Mother." Maho turned the turret, and fired. They were both out on the training field in her mother's Tiger, with Maho in the gunner's seat. The drone that was the target showed a white flag, and retreated to its starting position, leaving the field to it's comrades. As it did, Maho began to feel ill and dizzy, the condition descending upon her without warning.
"Target at 2 o'clock." Her mother didn't seem to notice from her place above the gunner's hatch, and picked out a new target.
At first Maho didn't hear the order. She could barely hear a thing, nor could she see or breathe. The air felt heavy and thick, as if she was under water. Sound, light and color seemed to disappear from the world, and she felt like she was sinking.
"Maho. Fire upon the target," her mother repeated, hiding her annoyance behind her cold voice, but Maho couldn't do it. All her focus was spent on trying to breathe, and she was rocking back and forth grasping the sides of her head as she hyperventilated.
"MAHO!"
"M-mother… I… I can't…" She managed to stammer out. "I… I can't breathe… I can't… I can't see…"
"Then what use are you in a tank?" her mother said coldly, and climbed down from the turret, leaving Maho. "Report to my study in an hour," she said equally coldly as she walked away.
"Y...yes… Mo-mother…" Maho replied between chipped breaths. She frantically grasped for perches to climb out of her seat, but her limbs felt sluggish and unresponsive. It took her almost a quarter of an hour to climb out of a tank that she could usually get out of in less than a minute. Once she reached the ground, she collapsed to the ground as her knees gave in, trying with all her might to calm herself and take slow, deep breaths. She felt something wet appear in the corner of her eyes, dripping down on the ground beneath her. She was crying.
She couldn't understand. What was wrong with her? Why had she broken down like that? She was Maho Nishizumi. She had practically been raised in a tank, and suddenly she cracked? It didn't make sense. She was supposed to be a Nishizumi. She was supposed to be infallible. She was supposed to be like a living tank. She was supposed to withstand anything, and destroy anyone or anything that stood in her path. She was supposed to have an armored heart and an iron mind, and now she had none of that. She had somehow been reduced to a frightened little girl, crying and chipping for air beside the thing she was supposed to be like.
She thankfully managed to compose herself before she was supposed to report to her mother's study. What her mother would do if she hadn't, she didn't want to know. She entered at the exact moment she had been ordered to, and took her place in the middle of the room, standing silently with her arms crossed behind her back. But today was different. Her mother usually made her wait for twenty minutes or more while she handled some documents or other paperwork, but not today.
"What is the meaning of this?" She asked coldly, but Maho could see the fury in her eyes.
"I don't…"
"What do you mean by this failure?" Her mother got up from behind her desk, and walked over to Maho, pacing slowly around her like a tiger waiting to strike as she spoke coldly. "You are supposed to be a Nishizumi. Nishizumis do not cry." Maho felt one of her scars burn slightly at the mention of the lesson. "Nishizumis do not flinch, Nishizumis do not break down, Nishizumis fire when the target is before them" More burning across her back, each scar making itself known as its lesson was mentioned.
"I'm sorry, Mother."
"SORRY?!" Her mother struck her across the face with the back of her hand. "You will not dare speak so to me. You will explain your failure, and now! Why did you fail?!"
"I… I don't know…"
"Oh? And you expect me to simply work around your flaws? You are supposed to be a Nishizumi, and Nishizumis do not have flaws. Flaws are for the weak, and Nishizumis are not weak. Or is that what you think we are?"
"No, Mother." Maho said and swallowed. "I shall double my efforts."
"I would hope so, Maho, for your sake." Her mother's fury had died down slightly, even if she still looked at Maho with nothing but disapproval. A light knock on the door drew her attention away, and Kikuyo opened it slightly.
"Madam, he has arrived," she said, glancing at Maho while hiding any emotion behind a blank expression.
"Excellent. Send him in," her mother replied, and gathered herself. She paced back and forth in front of her desk, while Maho tried to hide her confusion. Who had arrived?
After a minute or so, Kikuyo returned and opened the door to the study, allowing a man in a finely tailored suit carrying a bag to enter. He was thin and tall, standing a head above her mother and far more above Maho herself, which made him give off an almost unsettling impression. This was not helped by the smile filled with perfect teeth he showed at all times, and his eyes being hidden behind a large set of round glasses, the reflecting light making them seem fully opaque.
"You called for me, Lady Nishizumi?" he said in a tone not too dissimilar from her mother as he bowed deeply towards her.
"Yes. I believe your services are required, Doctor." Her mother nodded towards Maho, who snapped to attention.
"Ah, yes," the man said, his voice suddenly full of glee. "What seems to be the issue then?"
"Apparently, a lack of breath and sight came over her earlier." There was no concern or affection in her mother's voice, only cold fact and disappointment. "I trust you understand this cannot be tolerated?"
"Oh, of course, of course," the man said without moving his eyes from Maho. He put his bag down and rummaged around in it for a second, and suddenly shone a small flashlight into Maho's eyes. It startled her, but she tried her best to remain still in an effort to not incur further wrath from her mother.
"Ah, yes, yes… I see…" the man said and began flipping through a small notebook he pulled out of his bag. "Any significant trauma in her past?"
"None. She has been treated like all Nishizumi's."
"I see, I see…" He continued in excited tones, and glance back and forth between Maho, her mother and his notebook. "Might we speak in private for a moment?"
"Certainly. Maho." Maho bowed to her mother and turned to leave the room, but was stopped by the man putting one of his hands on her shoulder.
"Actually… If it's not too much trouble, I would want to speak to the subject undisturbed."
"I see." Her mother nodded to the man, and left the room. He gestured to a chair beside her mother's desk, and Maho sat down, feeling a deep sense of unease both from the man's presence and from her apparent condition.
The man grabbed the chair from behind her mother's desk, and sat down opposite her. He pulled out a notebook and pen from his bag, and began asking her a series of questions. There was nothing directly malignant in his questioning, but his tone and overall appearance still kept Maho on edge, even if a lifetime of training from her mother helped her keep that fact hidden. After perhaps half an hour of questioning, the man nodded and got up from his seat, opening the door to call her mother back inside.
"I believe I have found the source of the issue," he said giddily. "It is a deep-rooted one, but nothing we cannot solve. Modern medicine truly is remarkable, isn't it?"
"So, how is it solved then?" her mother asked coldly. "I will not have a sniveling coward for a daughter."
"Oh, most certainly." The man clapped his hands excitedly a few times, and walked back to his bag. He rummaged for a few seconds, and placed a few bottles on the desk before getting out a syringe. "The mind is a strange thing, is it not, Lady Nishizumi? Capable of so much, yet a single flaw can render even someone as skilled as the young miss here completely useless. May I?" he asked of her mother, who nodded. He began filling the syringe from one of the bottles, and walked over to Maho. "Now, Miss Nishizumi, this may sting a bit. But it will be a small price to pay for solving this particular flaw of yours." He grabbed her arm and stuck the syringe into her shoulder. He depressed it, and the liquid began flowing into her body.
At first Maho didn't feel anything in particular, but her shoulder quickly began to burn and itch on the inside, and her head soon followed. It was as if there was a wildfire inside her mind, burning all in its path. The man then handed her some pills from two different bottles, and instructed her to swallow them. She glanced over at her mother, then down at the two green and white pills, and did as she was told. After a few minutes, the burning subsided and her mind cleared. She didn't feel sluggish exactly, but something was most certainly different.
"She is to take these a few minutes before getting into a tank," the man said to her mother. "They should help clear her mind, and prevent this flaw from rearing its ugly head again."
"Thank you, Doctor."
"Oh, no worries. Helping the Nishizumi clan continue its greatness is an honor in and of itself." he bowed, and scribbled something down in his notebook which he ripped out and handed to her mother. "I will leave these two with you, Lady Nishizumi, but take this for the day they need to be refilled."
"Thank you. I shall see to it that you are compensated for this."
The man collected his things, and bowed again.
"All in good time, I hope. I wish you a pleasant evening, Lady Nishizumi."
Little Army
As Maho walked down the gangway of the Graf Zeppelin, she was met by Kikuyo standing under her colorful parasol.
"Welcome home, Miss Nishizumi. I'm glad to see you well."
"Thank you Kikuyo. It's good to be home." Home. She hadn't set foot on land since she started at Kuromorimine half a year ago apart from when participating in matches. And now, she was finally allowed back home for two weeks. She would finally get to see Miho again.
"Is there anywhere in particular you wish to go? The car is waiting for us, ready to take you anywhere…"
"No," she said sharply. "Take me home first. I imagine Mother wishes to speak with me."
"The Lady is currently in Kyoto, Miss Nishizumi. She will not be returning until Monday."
"Even so, take me home."
"Of course." Kikuyo bowed and smiled. "Right this way." She picked up Maho's bag, and led the way across the dock to where Konuma had parked the car.
"Your studies go well then, Miss Nishizumi?" Kikuyo asked as they drove through the city towards the Nishizumi household.
"Yes, they do."
"As one would expect of you, Miss Nishizumi," she continued. "We were all very proud to see you lead Kuromorimine to victory last month."
"And Mother?" Maho answered in a dour tone as she looked out at the passing landscape. "Was she 'proud' to see it as well?"
"I'm sure Lady Nishizumi was extremely proud…" Kikuyo said, not very convincingly. "In her own way…"
"Is Miho alright?" Maho couldn't wait any longer. She needed to know. She had been gone for almost six months. six long months, during which their mother would have had free reign over Miho. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if Miho had come to harm while she was away.
"Miss Miho is well and happy." Kikuyo glanced towards Konuma in the driver's seat. "Mister Konuma? Might we have some privacy?"
"Oh, of course, Ma'am," he answered in a stilted fashion, and soon a divider rose up between him and them.
Maho glanced over to Kikuyo. This wasn't like her.
"Those who hear often speak, Miss Nishizumi." She gave a short nod to Maho, who answered it in turn. "But you will be pleased to hear that Miss Miho has performed admirably under Lady Nishizumi's tutelage, and not once has she been called to the Lady's study."
Maho breathed a sigh of relief, and felt some of the tension leave her body as she could finally relax. She had somehow managed to protect Miho from the ruthlessness of the Nishizumi style.
"Thank you, Kikuyo. It's good to hear she's well."
"Indeed," Kikuyo said, and looked at Maho. "But are you, Miss Nishizumi?" Maho followed her gaze to her lower arm, and the handful of scars scattered across it. "Those were not there when you left…"
"I'm fine," Maho replied and crossed her arms, covering the scars from sight.
"There is no weakness in asking for help when things are difficult, Miss Nishizumi…"
"I SAID I'M FINE!"
The rest of the drive passed in silence, but as they neared the Nishizumi residence, Maho saw something further down the road.
"Stop the car, please," Maho said and Konuma did as instructed.
"Miss Nishizumi?" Kikuyo asked with a confused look.
"I'll walk the rest of the way, thank you." She got out of the car and began walking through the late summer air, while Konuma drove on the last few hundred meters towards the residence. It took most of Maho's discipline for her not to run towards her target.
"It's been a while, Miho," she said as she approached, and her sister turned away from the three girls she had been speaking to.
"Big Sis?!" Miho said affectionately, and walked with springy steps towards Maho, hugging her.
"Hi Miho," Maho said in a low voice and nuzzled the top of Miho's head. "I missed you."
"Me too! You did so great at the tournament! I saw it!" There was something odd about Miho's answer. On the outside she still seemed like the happy and carefree sister Maho had left when she set out to sea, but there was something else too. Something that wasn't entirely apparent, and even Maho who had spent most of her life with Miho had a hard time picking up on it. As if there was a veiled coldness beneath the affection, and not one that had been there when Maho left.
Miho held Maho in place a few moments more, before letting go and turning to her companions. "These are my friends! We're doing tankery together!" The strange coldness was gone, and Miho again seemed like the sister Maho remembered.
"Is that so…" Maho said pensively, trying her best not to sound anxious. "Well, I'm glad to see you've made friends while I've been gone."
"Mh-hm!" Miho nodded. "That's Hitomi, and that's Chihiro, and that's Emi!" Miho pointed to her friends in turn as she introduced them. Hitomi was a short girl with blond hair, who bowed enthusiastically. Chihiro was roughly as tall as Miho with a slender build and short black hair, and was more reserved in her greeting, but still polite. Finally, Emi had a pale complexion and long red hair tied up into twintails which made her stick out from the rest. Her body language added to this, for while her two friends came up and greeted Maho, Emi remained a few paces away, and only glared at Maho.
"This is my big sister, Ma…"
"Maho Nishizumi," Emi said coldly. "I know."
"Emi already did tankery in Germany!" Miho said with enthusiasm and pulled the reluctant girl closer, seemingly not picking up on her cold demeanor towards Maho.
"Really?" Maho said with a fascinated tone. "You must be quite skilled then."
Emi yanked her arm free from Miho's grip, and began walking away. "I'm going home!" There was clear dislike in her voice, even if Maho didn't know what she had done to cause her offense.
"Emi?" Miho said and walked after, grabbing her arm again, but Emi quickly pulled free again.
"Don't you get it? I don't want to be near her!" She took off down the road, leaving the rest of them behind with confused faces.
"That is a valid hit. The Panzer IV is taken out, and the StuG III is victorious." The duel was over. Maho had been surprised when Miho asked her to face her in battle, but had agreed nonetheless. The air of coldness in Miho had been coming and going all throughout the week, never appearing long enough for Maho to notice it outright, and perhaps a Sensha-Do battle would allow her a greater insight.
It had not. The battle had been a simple affair, and Maho had defeated Miho and her friends with the aid of some disciples of the Nishizumi style, studying under her mother. Still, the cold tone in Miho's voice reappeared for a fraction of a moment while the two teams bowed and thanked each other for the match. At this point, Maho knew she wasn't imagining things. Still, Miho was not the only one she needed to take care of.
"You're injured..:"
"Don't bother…"
"Here. Take it."
"Leave me alone."
"That's a nasty bump you've got there. You should put this salve on it to help it heal."
Maho again held the small container out to Emi, who after looking between Maho and the container for a few moments, cautiously accepted it.
"Tha...thanks… I guess." She bowed her head, before looking back up at Maho. "You fought well. I… I thought you were more cruel than that."
"Of course not!" Miho said as she walked over. "Maho always does the right thing!"
"Then tell me…" Emi said and curled her hands into fists. "Why did you do that?" Maho raised an eyebrow, not fully understanding. "In the final match of the summer tournament, you were facing the German team and fought expertly. You had the enemy flag tank isolated and surrounded. But the weather shifted to rain, and one of your tanks advanced too far on the flank, leaving it on the edge of a cliff once the ground gave way. The enemy flag tank rushed to help, and you fired on it." Maho sighed at this retelling of her actions. "Why? Your victory was already certain, so why? They were going to help your own teammates, and you could have easily waited until they were safe."
"It was your sister, wasn't it? Who commanded the German tank?"
"It was." The answer was cold and direct. "So tell me; Why did you have to fire on her?"
"I only did…" Maho began answering, but was interrupted by a voice calling from behind her.
"Maho, Miho!" It was their mother, who took determined strides towards them. "Kikuyo, what's all this?"
"A training match took place between the ladies."
"I see. I suppose that is acceptable." She looked down at Maho. "You performed admirably in the summer tournament, and defended the Nishizumi name. Well done."
"Yes Mother." Maho answered instinctively, and bowed.
"I shall hear the rest at home." She began walking away, and even though she hadn't said it, the command to follow was clear. What surprised Maho was seeing Miho fall in beside her. "Kikuyo, I trust you will see this dealt with?"
"Yes, Madam. At once."
"You are dismissed," her mother said coldly after Maho had finished her report.
"Thank you, Mother." She bowed, and left the study while her mother began looking through some paperwork. Her stomach grumbled as she closed the door to the study. She should get some food, but first she needed to talk to Miho.
"Miho?" she said as she knocked on the door to her sister's room. "Are you there?"
Maho heard steps inside, and after a few seconds Miho opened the door. "What is it?" That coldness again.
"I… I just wanted to talk to you a little. But if it's inconvenient, it can wai…"
"No, of course not. Come in," Miho replied with a smile, and left the door open as she walked over to her desk, sitting down on it. Maho followed her inside, and sat down on the bed. It wasn't hard to see that the room had changed. The room which had once been filled with injured teddy bears was now screaming with their absence. Only one remained beside Miho's pillow, while the rest of the room had a much cleaner appearance. There was the occasional model of a tank, and the shelves were lined with books on tanks and Sensha-do. Maho recognized the majority as being about the Nishizumi style, written by their mother or some other famed adherent of the style.
"How have you been?"
"I'm good," Miho shrugged.
"How's school going?" Maho asked, unsure of how to proceed. Miho was usually more expressive and affectionate than this. "Your friends seem very nice."
"I guess so." Miho looked down at the floor, before she looked up at Maho again with a quizzical look. "Why does Emi hate you?"
Maho sighed. She had imagined the subject would come up, and she was intending on bringing it up herself, if not this quickly.
"I don't think she hates me, she just…"
"No, she hates you." Miho fiddled with a pen as she spoke. "She said so herself a few days ago. I yelled at her. That's why I challenged you to the match. To help her understand you…"
"I see…" Maho looked down, but soon looked up with a smile. "So that was what it was about."
"I don't know… Still, I don't get why she would hate you."
"She's angry at me for what I did during the summer tournament," Maho sighed.
"Why? Is she just jealous of you for being good at tankery?"
"No, I don't think that's it. Her sister was in Ober Preussische's flag tank."
"But what does that matter? You won fair and square. Emi even said so herself."
"She tried to go to help Tanigawa's tank when it got stuck on the cliff, and I fired at it. There were no reinforcements in sight, and she was surrounded. I could easily have waited until Tanigawa and her crew were safe. But I didn't" Maho took a deep breath, and steeled herself. "Miho…"
"Yeah?"
"Do you know why I had to fire on her?"
"Of course," Miho answered with a sincerity and smile that made Maho's heart sink. "That was Nishizumi style tankery. We value victory and strength above all else. I know you always do the right thing." There was not a shred of doubt or questioning in Miho's voice, and Maho felt her heart shatter.
"Right…" Maho said in a low murmur. "The right thing…"
"Was that what you wanted to talk about?" Miho said. "I have homework that needs doing."
"Right… of course…" Maho answered, not quite listening. "No, there was… there's nothing else…" She got up from the bed, and walked towards the door while Miho turned towards her schoolwork. "Goodnight Miho…"
"Goodnight, Maho."
She walked through the halls to her own room and collapsed on the bed, letting the pillow muffle the sounds of her crying. Despite all of the struggle and pain she had gone through to keep Miho safe from the ruthlessness of the Nishizumi style, she needed to work harder. Miho might not have had it beaten into her like Maho had, but she did not seem to find any flaw in its doctrine either.
"Miss Nakasuga?"
"What do you want?" Emi answered bitterly as Maho began walking beside her.
"I wanted to explain myself."
Emi stopped, and gave Maho a surprised look, but nodded for her to do so.
"You asked me why I fired on your sister. I did what I had to do."
"But you didn't. You didn't have to fire. You could have waited instead of firing on someone who was only trying to help your teammates."
"I know…" Maho said and looked down. "But that's what's expected of me. I'm the heiress of the Nishizumi name. I need to be a living embodiment of the Nishizumi style, and I can't show any weakness."
"Why?"
"What?"
"Why?" Emi repeated, as if it was obvious what she meant. "Why do you have to do that? You could choose not to."
Maho looked at Emi for a second, puzzled by the suggestion, before answering. "Miho. I need to do it for Miho's sake. The Nishizumi style is horrible, and there is real pain that comes with it. If I must go through hell to spare Miho pain, then that's what I have to do." She sighed. "I will always have to carry this burden, but if that allows Miho to go her own way and be happy, then it will have been worth it."
"You're doing all of this for her sake?"
"Yes. I love my sister above anything in the world, and I would do anything to protect her."
Emi turned away from Maho in silence, but turned back a few seconds later. She didn't look Maho in the eye however. "I forgive you…" she muttered.
"What?"
"I said I forgive you!" she said, louder. "I still think you're stupid, but I forgive you, OK?"
The light at the crossing turned green, and Emi began walking away muttering to herself about something, leaving behind Maho who was at first stunned, but soon found a smile creeping across her face.
Subordinates and Old Friends
"As some of you already know, Amaya Takata, our previous Vice-Commander, graduated and moved up to the High school-division's team at the end of the last school year. Therefore, I have chosen her replacement." It was the first training session of the year, and Maho spoke with cold efficiency as she addressed the roughly 100 girls gathered before her. Most she had served with during her first year at Kuromorimine, and they both knew and respected her command. But there were also the first-years. Two or three dozen new members that would need to be trained and integrated into the existing team.
Even in the middle school-division of the Federation, Kuromorimine was a feared opponent, and as the heiress of the Nishizumi name, Maho couldn't afford to disrupt that reputation. Ideally she would have preferred to name Miyaguchi to the post of Vice Commander. She had been good friends with Amaya, knew her way around both a tank and the battlefield, and had proven her ability to command on several occasions.
Unfortunately, the decision was out of Maho's hands. She knew that there was only one choice she would be allowed to make, and even if she would have rather chosen anyone else, she steeled herself before she spoke the name.
"Miho Nishizumi, Class 1-D. Please come forwards." A silent murmur could be heard as Miho took a few steps forwards, and stood next to Maho. "I hereby name Miho Nishizumi to the post of Vice Commander of Kuromorimine's Middle school team. Her authority is only superseded by my own." She turned to Miho and affixed the brass oak leaves to the epaulettes of her uniform. "Congrats, Sis," Maho said in a low voice, receiving only a nod in reply from Miho.
As she took a step back from Miho and returned to her position, a round of applause from the crowd greeted the two, even if it wasn't very enthusiastic. Maho had known that the appointment would be controversial. She had herself been made Commander almost the moment she set foot on the Graf Zeppelin, and there were many who disliked her command because of it. Second- and third-years who had been with the team far longer and suddenly got passed up simply because of Maho's last name.
Her first few months had been an uphill struggle, and even if naming Amaya Vice Commander had helped, her command was still not one based on respect. Even the most avid dissenter couldn't argue with the results however, and after leading the team through victory after victory, the situation had improved somewhat. Maho just hoped that Miho wouldn't face similar problems.
The two of them sat at their desks in the team's garage, opposite each other, as they worked through the lists of new and old team members, deciding on what newcomers would be assigned to what role and tank based on their preliminary tests, as well as any reshuffles of old members that they deemed necessary. The work was silent and soul crushing. Name after name passed under Maho's fingers as she scanned the lists, making notes and recommendations on who would be assigned where, until they stopped having any meaning to her.
What in reality was a person with likes and dislikes, hobbies and friends, became nothing but a string of numbers and checkmarks. Just like they were supposed to be in the Nishizumi style. Sensha-Do was not a team sport in the eyes of Nishizumis. It wasn't like baseball or soccer where every person was of near equal-import, but instead it was a game of chess. The Commander made the decisions and gave the orders, and all those underneath her were supposed to do was what they were told.
That must be why these lists are the way they are, Maho thought. After all, as long as you didn't see those underneath you as people, you wouldn't think about what might happen to them. As long as you considered them to be numbers, cogs in a machine, you would grow fond of assuming they were there to fulfill a function and nothing else.
She sighed as she continued scanning the lists. Glancing down at the pile in front of her, she was at least relieved to see that there were only two pages left to go through. She made her final notes on the page in front of her, and moved on to the next. Only two to go, she thought. Soon they would be done with this unending work.
She began moving through the list, noting the scores of the different members, their names forgotten the moment she had read them. Driver, commander, loader, loader, gunner, gunner, gunner, reserve, driver… Maho paused for a second. Something had jogged a part of her memory, and she wasn't sure what. She returned to the top of the page and started anew, moving through the list with far more care and attention to detail than she had on the previous pages. After a few minutes, she found what had caused her to pause. She looked blankly at the name, not quite believing the fact that it was written down. Miho glanced up at her with a questioning look, and so she made a mental note of the fact, and continued down the list.
"That's all for today. Go clean up, and get some dinner!" Maho called out to the gathered team after their training session the following day, but as the crowd dispersed, she made her way into it, searching. She scanned the mass of bodies as they parted before her, until finally she found her target.
"So, you noticed," said a bitter tone, as Emi Nakasuga looked over to her.
"I did," Maho answered. "Do you have a moment, cadet?" she continued, keeping up a veneer of formality with all eyes pointed at them.
Emi paused for a second and glanced around, before nodding. "Of course… Commander."
Maho motioned for Emi to follow, and they walked back towards the garage.
"You can leave, Miho. I'll finish things up," Maho said with a pointed tone as she passed her sister, making it clear that it was a command and not a suggestion.
Miho raised an eyebrow at the sight of Emi, but nodded to Maho. "Of course, Commander." She bowed slightly, and walked towards the locker rooms after the rest of the team.
"So…" Maho said as she leaned against her Panzer IV, "what brought you here? I thought you would go back to Germany once you were done in elementary school?"
Emi looked away, making sure not to meet Maho's eye. "I was, but then mom said I should finish at least middle school here as well. To experience my heritage. It's not like I wanted to stay, you know. And it's not like I wanted to go here either. This just happened to be convenient. Mom's still staying in Kumamoto, so it's just convenient that I'm here, OK? It's not like I wanted to go here just because you were here. I didn't even know you studied here." She turned her nose at Maho and crossed her arms, trying to sound convincing in her anger. "I just thought that if I was going to stay in Japan for longer, I might as well continue with Sensha-Do, and Kuromorimine just happens to have an OK program for it, OK?! It's nothing else! WHAT?!"
Maho had a hard time containing her laughter, and waved a hand in apology towards Emi. "I'm sorry, Emi. It's just… I don't know, it's just funny." She took a few breaths and composed herself. "I don't mind that you're here, ok? And I don't need to hear a reason for it either. I was just surprised is all."
"Oh." Emi slumped a little, and Maho swore she could see her cheeks redden for a second. "I… uhm… I didn't know that…"
"Regardless, it's good to see you again. You know how to handle a tank, and I'm sure you'll be a great addition to the team."
"You really think so?!" Emi perked up again and looked at Maho with determined enthusiasm, before she caught herself and looked away again, scoffing. "I mean, yeah, sure. I guess I can help you out."
Maho stifled another laugh, and tilted her head slightly. "So, what's up with you and Miho? You two seem cold. That is, if you don't mind me asking?"
"We had a fight a few months back. She was being stupid, and I punched her…"
"You did what?!" Maho asked with slight bitterness, using her elbows to push herself away from the tank.
"It was her own fault. She said my sister was stupid for trying to help your teammate in the summer tournament last year. She said she deserved getting fired on."
"Oh…" Maho again leaned back, and let her fists open back into open hands. "I'm sorry, Emi…"
"Why?" She interrupted. "Why did you make someone like her commander?"
"She's my sister. She's a skilled tanker, and she…"
"Don't lie to me. We both know she shouldn't be in command of anyone, so why?"
"I didn't have a choice."
"Really? More than a hundred girls on the team, and you didn't have a choice?"
"No, I didn't. It's what the school and my mother expects, and I didn't have a choice. She's the Vice Commander, whether I like it or not."
"She's also horrible. Don't tell me you can't see it?" Emi asked. Maho wanted to argue, but deep down she knew she was right. "She's cold, and bitter, and she doesn't care about anyone."
Maho sighed, and her shoulders slumped. "I know… I… I didn't want it to be like this. I wanted her to be free, and for her to do whatever she wanted with her life… I wanted to spare her the ruthlessness of my family and the Nishizumi style…"'
"So what happened?" Emi kept her dour tone as she leaned back against the Ferdinand that stood behind her.
Maho didn't answer. She just looked down at the floor, and felt a wave of sadness wash over her.
"What happene…"
"Dismissed, Cadet."
"I asked you what happe…" Emi began to protest, but Maho cut her off.
"AND I SAID YOU ARE DISMISSED!" She glared at Emi, who only glared back defiantly, before she finally began walking away and out of the garage. As she reached the door, she turned and looked at Maho.
"You're still as big of an idiot as you were last year. You say you want Miho to be free, but you just accept the cage you're in…"
"GET OUT!"
Emi left, the door slamming shut behind her, and left Maho alone in the quiet garage. She was left sad and alone, haunted by Emi's question. What happened? She took slow and unsteady steps towards her desk and sat down, her head collapsing against the hard wooden surface. She knew exactly what had happened. In her attempt to shield Miho from the ruthlessness of the Nishizumi style, her attempts to make sure that their mother never got to her, her attempts to teach and prepare Miho so that she would never share her own fate, she had ultimately failed.
Instead of letting Miho go her own way in life, free from the burden of being a Nishizumi, she had removed all obstacles. Miho didn't hate the Nishizumi style like Maho did. She wasn't trapped by it like Maho. She had never once in her life been struck by the realization that their mother was a cruel, cold, calculating, and bitter woman, and that the Nishizumi style was equally so. Miho had become a true believer of the style's tenets. She truly believed that Maho did the right thing when she fired on Emi's sister that day. She truly believed that their subordinates were numbers and pawns, not people.
The signs had been there for a long time, but this was the first time Maho truly realized how monumental her failure was.
A Table for a Friend
"Commander?"
At first Maho didn't hear, her mind lost in thought as she looked down at the maps and scattered documents before her.
"Commander?!" the voice asked again, slightly more forceful this time, grabbing Maho's attention.
"Yes?" she asked, still regaining focus on the real world, and turned to face the voice. Behind her stood one of the first-years. Maho hadn't had time to learn all their names yet, but she had short reddish-brown hair and a kind but concerned expression.
"Are you… I mean… Aren't you going to eat?" she asked nervously.
"No," Maho answered. "I don't like all the noise in the dining hall. Was there anything else, cadet…?"
"Akaboshi," the girl answered, and flustered, stood at attention. "I… I'm sorry, Commander. I… I didn't mean anything by it."
"It's fine," Maho replied and turned back to her maps. "You didn't know. But thank you, Cadet Akaboshi." She gave a wave of her hand, even as her stomach grumbled. "Dismissed."
"Commander?"
Maho looked up from her maps, and just like she had done yesterday, Akaboshi stood behind her. Today she was holding a tray however, holding a steaming plate of food and some milk in a glass.
"Akaboshi?" Maho asked, confused. "You're not going to eat out here I hope?" she said, and privately noted the lack of flat surfaces in the Sensha-Do team's garage.
"Oh… No, Commander. But I… I thought… since you don't like to eat in the dining hall… that, maybe… maybe you would be happier eating out here?" She glanced down at the tray, before looking up at a stunned Maho. "Nevermind, it was… it was a stupid idea…"
"No, no…" Maho said, trying to find the right words. "That was very… thoughtful... of you. Thank you. You can…" She glanced at her desk and quickly moved some papers around to leave an opening for the tray. "You can put it there."
Koume put the tray down, took a few steps back, and bowed. "Well then… Commander… I… I guess I'll be leaving then…"
"Right… yeah… I… I guess…" Maho stuttered out, still stunned by the girl's kindness. "Thank you, Akaboshi…"
"Commander?"
The next day, Akaboshi was once again there with a tray of food as Maho worked through the evening.
"Oh, Akaboshi," Maho replied, now somewhat more prepared than she had been the day before. "Thank you." She moved some papers, and nodded to the opening. "You can put it there."
"Of course, Commander."
"Hey…" Maho said pensively as Akaboshi prepared to leave. "What's your name? Your full name, I mean?"
"Oh…" the girl said, and made a confused face before smiling. "It's Koume. Koume Akaboshi."
"Koume…" Maho said, committing the name to memory. "Thank you, Koume. I really appreciate it," she said, before catching herself. "You don't… You don't mind if I call you Koume?"
"Oh, n-no, Commander. Koume is fine." She bowed, and left the garage.
"Koume?" Maho asked as the first-year put the tray down beside her.
"Yes, Commander?"
"Do you have to be anywhere?"
"No, I don't think so…" she answered nervously.
"Any homework to take care of?"
"No, I'm all caught up."
"Then I…" Maho said, and paused. She wasn't entirely sure. Was this overstepping? "I was thinking…" She looked at Koume's face, and the combination of confusion and anticipation it showed, deciding she might as well ask. "Maybe you could stay a little. I could use some company."
"Oh, I… I mean… Yes, of course, Commander" Maho chuckled slightly at the girl's formality, and nodded for her to pull up a nearby chair while she began to partake in the meal.
"Oh, and one more thing."
"Yes, Commander?"
"You don't have to call me 'Commander'. At least not when we're alone like this."
"Commander?"
"My name's Maho. It's only fair, right? I call you Koume, you call me Maho." She gave Koume a reassuring smile.
"Of course, Commander," Koume answered, but seemingly not out of fear or discipline. There was a warmth to her voice that let Maho know there was nothing but respect in the word. Maho just rolled her eyes and chuckled however, and let it slide.
The following week, Koume somehow managed to carry two trays down to the garage so that they both had something to eat, and it soon became a routine. Whenever the rest of the team were dismissed from training, Koume would join them on their way to the dining hall, and sneak down to Maho in the garage with dinner for them both.
Ritual of Remembrance
"Commander, they're all ready," Miho said as she clacked the heels of her boots.
"Good… I'm coming," Maho replied and dismissed her.
"Yes, Commander." Miho nodded, turned on the spot, and left. Maho reached into her right breast-pocket, and pulled out a small container, spilling its contents into her open palm. Two small pills in green and white. She took a deep breath to steel herself, and swallowed them both, before putting on her side cap and walking out to the waiting team.
"Everyone, to your tanks!" Maho called out to the assembled team once she was finished with her speech.
"Yes, Commander!" the call came back, and almost a hundred girls rushed off to their places. The exhibition match against Bonple wasn't supposed to be a challenge, but it was an opportunity for the team to see some real action, and get the taste of true combat. It was also an opportunity for Maho to see how they worked under pressure, and whether or not the months of hard training had given the wanted results.
"Commander," Miho said coldly from beside her and nodded, before walking over towards her tank. As Vice commander, she only got into place when everyone else was ready, and once Miho was in place, Maho would follow and go to her own tank.
"Here goes," Maho said to herself as she got the signal, and walked over to her Panzer IV. She climbed up to the turret with a few steady steps, and sat down in the commander's seat.
"Commander," her crew said one after the other, and Maho nodded in reply to them each in turn, before closing her eyes and leaning back as she took deep breaths. Her crew knew to keep quiet for what came next. In her mind's eye, Maho found herself back in her mother's office, with her torso bare and facing the wall. She began to recite her lessons like she was in a trance. "A Nishizumi doesn't cry." "A Nishizumi doesn't run." "When a Nishizumi fires, they hit." When a Nishizumi advances, they break through." With every sentence, she felt the corresponding scar on her back flare up with pain, and then dying down again as the next lesson was recited. And with every sentence, she heard her mother's voice as it repeated the lessons with her.
The ritual didn't take long, barely more than a minute, but once she had worked her way through her scars, her mind was clear and focused. All distractions and errant thoughts fled her mind. There was nothing but her, the tanks she commanded, and the enemy. She gave a near unnoticeable nod, and her driver got the Panzer IV rolling.
The Kuromorimine Triangle
Maho's stomach rumbled again, making sure that the fact that she was hungry wasn't forgotten. Still, she kept up her work, looking over some of the repair estimates for the team's tanks. Koume would get here sooner or later, and there was no need to worry. A few minutes later, she was proven correct.
"Good evening, Commander." Koume said from behind her, and Maho could smell the food as she turned. What she was not prepared for however, was Emi standing next to Koume with a tray of her own.
"Emi? What are you doing here?"
"Koume's been acting weird and sneaking away to eat alone for a couple of weeks now, so I just wanted to make sure she was doing OK. It's not like I wanted to join you or anything."
"Then… wait, you two know each other?" Maho asked, still slightly surprised.
"She's my driver," Koume answered as she looked between Maho and Emi. "And we share a dormroom. So yeah, we know each other."
"Huh. I didn't know that." Maho got up from her chair, and took one of the trays off Koume's hands, nodding to the planning table in the corner where they all sat down.
Emi's participation in their dinner soon became just as routine as the dinners themselves. The team would finish up the session, Maho would send Miho away, and after a while Koume and Emi would come down with food for the three of them.
"Koume, do you mind if I ask you a question?" Maho asked one day as they ate.
"Yes, Commander?"
"What's the deal with you and Itsumi?"
"She's in love with her," Emi answered without even looking up from her dinner, as if it was obvious.
"W-what? No I'm not!" Koume answered, but the panic in her voice and the blushing of her cheeks betrayed her.
"Oh give it up," Emi replied. "You sure give her a lot of dreamy stares and a longing sighs whenever she passes in the hall for someone who isn't in love."
"I do not!" Koume protested, but Emi seemed to enjoy teasing her friend.
"You walked into a pillar this morning because you focused on Miss Snow White instead of where you were going."
"You don't know that."
"Ok, so what were you focusing on then? Or are you admitting that you're airheaded enough to not see a stone pillar coming towards you?"
"I… well… but… uhm…" Koume stammered, before finally bowing her head in defeat. "Fine."
" I knew it." Emi grinned in celebration, and returned her focus to her food.
"So…" Maho asked again cautiously, "What's the deal there?"
"It's nothing, Commander. It's just…" Koume was now blushing fully, almost looking redder than the skirts of their Sensha-Do uniforms. "Erika's an old friend of mine. We were neighbors growing up, so we usually walked to school together and hung out a lot." She sighed. "She was my first real friend, and I always liked hanging out with her, and then somewhere along the line I started to notice… things… and suddenly I always felt awkward around her..."
"Ah," Maho said, grasping the picture. "I see. I'm not judging, by the way. I was just curious. You always seemed to acta bit strange when she was around, so, you know…"
"Oh, no, I get it, Commander. I didn't take any offense." She sighed and deflated slightly as she looked down at her food, giving an opening for some fresh teasing from Emi, while Maho looked on in amusement.
"What about you?" Emi said, seemingly out of the blue.
"'What about me' what?" Maho asked, not understanding.
"Itsumi," she said, once again speaking as if it was obvious. "What do you think about her? She sure seems to like you."
"I… uh… I guess she's an OK tanker?"
"Uhuh, and anything else you've noticed about her? Anything you like about her? Not that I care."
Between a Sister and a Sycophant
"Here, Commander, let me carry those for you!"
"You looked thirsty, so I got you something to drink, Commander!"
"Is there anything I can help with, Commander?"
"Of course, Commander!"
"At once, Commander!"
While the help and support Erika Itsumi always offered was appreciated, she was slowly driving Maho insane. Ever since the girl had joined Kuromorimine back in middle school, Maho's life had been filled with constant offers of help and assistance. Maho thought back to one of the discussions she had had with Koume and Emi in middle school, and how Emi had asked, or at least implied to ask, if Maho was in love with Erika. At that point Maho could only make vague excuses and assurances that she most certainly didn't see Erika in that way, but now she knew exactly how she saw her. Erika was like an excited puppy, always in want of attention and appreciation, but also often so clingy and closeby that you ended up tripping over it.
She was a good tanker, and she always made sure to follow orders without delay. She was well-liked by most of her team-mates, even if Maho occasionally caught some of those who didn't like her call her 'the commander's lapdog'.
The year of relative respite that Maho's graduation and ascension to the high school-division of Kuromorimine had given her had made her forget how annoying Erika's sincere helpfulness could be. But where before Maho had assumed she was only enthusiastic about the team and wanting to help her commander out as much as possible, now she suspected there was an ulterior motive at play.
When Maho graduated from middle school, Miho, the team's Vice Commander, naturally took her place as Commander, and appointed Erika as Vice Commander. Maho suspected that the return of Erika's sycophantic behavior was an attempt at snagging the position of Vice Commander away from Miho now that they both had joined Maho in the high school-team.
As if the decision wasn't enough of a burden on Maho's shoulders by itself. She had once again been made Commander immediately upon joining the team, and even though a large part of the team had served with her in her middle school days, there was still some challenges to overcome from those who found her promotion unfair or saw it as the obvious case of nepotism that it was.
Now that Amaya had once again graduated, and Maho was once again facing the choice of who to appoint in her place. On the one hand, Erika had potential to be sure, but she also lacked some of the qualities Maho looked for in a second-in-command. On the other hand, both her mother and the alumni association had made their wish of seeing Miho in the role again impossible to miss. She was facing two equally bad choices, and she was going to have to find an answer soon.
Full Confidence
"This is an outrage! You can't do this!"
"I can, I will, and I already have. Or need I remind you of article two of the team's bylaws?" Maho didn't pay the headmaster much attention as she continued working through the paperwork on her desk. This only infuriated the already furious man even further.
"Don't you dare preach to me about bylaws, girl. Article one clearly states that you only serve at the pleasure of the alumni association!"
"First of all, it's Commander to you, Sir. Commander Nishizumi. I would have thought the headmaster of Kuromorimine would know to address people with the appropriate respect. And secondly, yes. You are correct, in as much that I am indeed appointed by the alumni association. But article two also clearly states that the Vice Commander is appointed by, and serves at the pleasure of, the Commander. Which would currently mean me."
"Why you little…" At this point the headmaster was seething with anger. "You can't appoint that girl as Vice Commander. I forbid it!"
Maho put her pen down, steepled her fingers before her on her desk, and looked up at the man with a calm smile. "As I've just explained, you really don't have the power to do that. I've made the appointment, and the alumni association has been notified. All in accordance with the bylaws." She leaned back in her chair and turned around, looking out through the panoramic window behind her as she continued. "The only way you could stop me is if the alumni association elects to remove me from the position of Commander. But I don't think they will. They wouldn't dare remove me. My family's donations add far too much to this school's budget, not to mention the fact that Kuromorimine removing a Nishizumi from command would cause a far greater scandal than her appointment as Vice Commander could ever cause. Especially now. I can almost see the articles already. 'Kuromorimine loses coveted 10th consecutive win after ousting Nishizumi heiress from command.'"
"How dare you…"
Maho turned back towards her desk, and returned to her paperwork. "If there was nothing else headmaster, I wish you a good day. So much work to do, I really don't have the time for idle chit-chat." She looked up, and showed an innocent smile, causing the man to storm out of her office, red in the face. Whether it was from his anger, or from him having been told off by a girl at least 40 years his junior, she didn't know or care. Although she secretly hoped it was the latter.
She worked for a few minutes more, finishing up the paperwork she had started during the headmaster's rant, before putting her pen down and reaching over to the intercom.
"Would you send her in please?"
"Yes, Commander," came the answer from her aide, and a few seconds later the door to Maho's office opened. Maho got up from behind her desk and walked over to greet her guest.
"Koume, thank you for coming."
"Of course Commander." The girl glanced back nervously to the door before returning her focus to Mah. "Uhm… am I in trouble, Commander?"
"Not at all."
"But the headmaster…"
"Simply had some bad coffee this morning. Or was it something else he was angry about? Honestly, I didn't really listen. But honestly, stop it with the 'Commander'. I've told you a million times to call me Maho when we're alone."
"I know, Commander."
"I'm serious, Koume. This was funny back in middle school, but this sort of joke really is unbecoming of a high schooler. Am I clear?"
"Yes, Commander."
"You're hopeless, you know that right?"
Koume smiled and stifled a giggle "I have a vague memory of you telling me so before, yes. Commander."
Maho rolled her eyes, sighed, and chuckled. By this point she knew Koume was never going to call her by her name, but she'd be damned if she'd let her get away with it. After a few seconds, she shrugged and smiled, gesturing to a pair of armchairs in the corner, where the two sat down. "You doing ok? With your classes and everything I mean?"
"I suppose so. But what is…"
"'This all about?' Well, I just wanted to give you a heads up for tomorrow's practice session. I'm naming you Vice Commander."
Koume's expression was one of surprise, enthusiasm, and worry. "I… I am? But… What about your sister? Or Erika… They're…"
"They're not ready to command. Nor are they fit for it. But you, you have my full confidence." Maho put a hand on Koume's. "I wouldn't have done this if you didn't. I can't afford to not think my decisions through. I saw your work back in middle school, and I kept an eye on you last year too. You're ready."
Koume's expression lightened, and a sheepish smile appeared. "Alright. If you think it's a good idea, I won't let you down. I promise. Thank you, Commander."
Words She Regrets
"Good luck, Commander," Koume said as they walked through the rain, away from the commanders' greeting ceremony and towards their command tanks.
"Thanks, Koume," Maho answered. "Good luck to you too. Not that I think we'll need it." They stopped between Maho's Tiger I, her beloved "212", and Koume's Panzer III, and shook hands. "I still can't believe you insisted on sticking with the Panzer III instead of a Tiger," Maho teased, chuckling at the sight. "The Tiger and The Cub" as some had taken to calling the duo, would once again go into battle together. The nickname had supposedly been started by some disgruntled members of the Sensha-Do team who disapproved of Koume's promotion, but both Maho and Koume had found the description fitting enough that they let it slide, and it had soon become their unofficial callsigns.
"Well, I like her. She's got spirit, and she gets the job done," Koume said and looked affectionately at the Panzer. "Not that "212" doesn't do that of course," she quickly added, and blushed slightly at Maho's raised eyebrow.
"Right. Well, it's not like another heavy tank would have made any real difference, and if you like her, you should keep her."
"Hey, are you two gonna stand around talking all day, or are we going to get going?!" Emi called out in an annoyed tone from the driver's hatch of the Panzer III. "You morons are gonna get colds if you stand around like that!"
"We love you too, Emi," the two said in unison and laughed. Emi simply shook her head and sighed, glaring at the two.
"But I guess she's right," Maho said. "I'll see you on the other side, Koume. 1000 yen says I'll get the kill-shot on the flag tank?" She held out a hand and smiled at her friend.
"You're on," Koume answered and shook her hand. "But, Commander," she said as she let go and Maho began climbing up onto 212, "Aren't you being a bit over-confident? What if something goes wrong?"
"It's just Pravda," Maho said with a laugh. "What could go wrong? That 10-year streak is as good as ours!"
Next week on Dein Weg ist Mein Weg: The match against Pravda takes place, and the incident that will define Maho's life happens.
Author's Notes:
So, uhm… yeah… this chapter was an absolute nightmare for me, and is by far the longest chapter I've written for this story as of yet. Still, I had been looking forward to writing it for a long time. When I first started thinking about DWiMW, and asking myself "What if Maho went to Ooarai instead of Miho", I came to the pretty obvious conclusion that the Maho we know simply wouldn't do what Miho did. So then the question became, "In what way is Maho different in this universe, and what happened to make her become that way?" which is what this chapter, and next week's, will explore. I have of course hinted at it in previous chapters, how Shiho disapproves of her and considers her a failure, how she had "lessons" beaten into her, and so on. Still, trying to get all of these rather important events into the story proved a lot more difficult than I imagined they would be.
The sheer amount of time I had to cover in this chapter (almost 15 years) made a linear "event takes place, describe what links to the next event, next event" pretty unfeasible, so instead I tried to create this anthology-style chapter, where each event is its own little mini-story. I'm pretty pleased with how the earlier ones turned out, but the ones that take place when everyone's joined KMM I'm honestly not too sure about. It's hard to describe character interactions over the course of 4-5 years in only a scene or two, but I hope that I managed to get the point across.
Anyways, on to what actually happened this chapter. We get some actual clarity into Miho and Maho's childhood which was a treat to write, Koume got to make her first real appearance, and I finally got to introduce Emi to the story.
I always liked Emi ever since she first showed up in Little Army, and especially considering how she is one of few characters to ever question Maho's actions, felt that she would be a perfect fit to bring into DWiMW. She, Maho, and Koume form a really nice trio together IMO, and if I didn't feel a need to wrap up the flashback-iness in less than a month, I would love to explore their dynamic even more. Alas, I don't want to put the present-day story on hold for too long.
When it comes to last week, I am utterly floored by the amount of support, thoughts, and reviews I received when it was revealed that Miho is indeed alive. I was honestly a little bit scared that people would think I just pulled that development out of nowhere, but seeing the amount of people who love it, I cannot thank you enough.
As always, I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback, so please leave a review and let me know what you guys think.
Oh yeah, and fittingly enough for a giant chapter, you got giant author's notes ;)
We are now on week 11 of tuesday-posting, and if nothing gets in the way, week 12 will finally reveal what happened during the match with Pravda, and how Maho handles it all.
Until then, Arrivederci!
/ Rihno