Dein Weg ist Mein Weg

Chapter XVII

The Father

Years Ago...

Maho had only been intending to get a glass of water, but here she was. She had awoken in the middle of the night, and as she made her way towards the kitchen, she had overheard her parents arguing. Now she was standing by the door, trying her best to keep quiet and peering through the small crack between the door and it's frame.

"...and you know it's not right! You can't make her do it just because it's what you want!" her father said.

"I can and I will. We made a deal, remember? She is to be raised as a Nishizumi. And that means she will be trained in Sensha-Do," her mother replied coldly.

"But why won't you at least ask her about it? She's her own person, and should be allowed to do what she wants!"

"She is a Nishizumi, and that means she will need discipline. As soon as she turns 6 I will start to train her, just like my mother trained me." She paused and grinned at him. "Or would you prefer I go back on my end of the deal, just like you seem to want to do with yours?"

"Shiho… please…" Her father's tone softened, cowed by whatever yhe words meant. "I can't watch you do this to her, you know that…" He walked closer to her, and took her hands. "Please, my dear. I beg you…"

"I would suggest you-what was that?" Her mother turned to look at the door. Maho had accidentally bumped it, and the creak had alerted her parents to her presence. She saw her mother begin to take slow strides toward the door, and she ran as silently as she could back towards her room.

That had been the last time Maho saw her father. The next morning he was gone, and her mother acted like he had never existed. And now, in the countryside of Kyoto, he stood before her again.

"H-hi dad…" Maho felt herself blush from embarrassment, and looked away from the door where her father stood. He had disappeared more than ten years ago, but he still looked just like she remembered him. He was tall and powerfully built. His skin was tanned and his arms were hairy. His brown hair grew curly on his head, even if it had begun to turn a silvery grey at places, and framed his face together with his rugged beard. "It's… it's been a while…"

He took a cautious step towards her. "Maho? Is… is that really you? What are you doing here?"

She felt so incredibly stupid. What had she been thinking? She hadn't seen or talked to him in years, and now she showed up unannounced on his doorstep in the middle of nowhere, just expecting him to take her in when she had run away from everything she had ever called home? How deluded had she been to think this was a good idea. He probably didn't want anything to do with her.

"Y-yeah… it's… it's me… I… I shouldn't have come here… I'm really sorry, I'll leave…" she bowed in a quick apology and was about to turn and leave. Where she would go she had no idea, but she didn't have time to think it over. Her father lunged forwards and held her as tightly as he could.

"It really is you, isn't it?" He spoke in a tender voice as he kept hugging her harder, refusing to let go. "You've grown so much… I almost didn't recognize you. But it's so, so good to see you again…"

Maho stood stunned for several seconds, not in the slightest prepared for her fathers reaction. But once she allowed herself to believe it was actually happening, she returned the embrace as well. "Yeah…" she said in a low voice as she nuzzled his shoulder. "It's good to see you too… I missed you..."

"I missed you too, Maho. Like you wouldn't believe… But… What are you doing here? How did you even find me? Where's your sister? Is everything alright?" He let Maho go, even if she wished he wouldn't, and took her by the shoulders as he looked at her. But that was when the dam burst. For a few beautiful moments she had forgotten all that had happened, and all that had brought her here. Now it all came rushing back to her in an unstoppable wave as she slowly shook her head back and forth, tears in her eyes.

"N-no… It's… It's-sniff-it's not… It's-It's-It's… It's all wrong… And it's all my fault!" She started blubbering like she was a child with a scraped knee, and lunged back at her father, who embraced her anew.

"Hey, hey, it's ok, honey." He patted her back gently as she cried against his shoulder, simply letting her take her time. "It's all ok... Nothing's your fault… You're going to be ok… Just let it out… I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you..." They stayed like that for several minutes, embracing on the steps of the house as Maho cried and her father spoke softly to her, trying his best to assure her everything was going to work out. A grumble from Maho's stomach interrupted the quiet scene. "You haven't eaten in a while, have you?" Maho shook her head, still refusing to let herself let go or move her head from her father's shoulder. "Hey it's ok. Let's get inside, ok honey? I'll fix you up something to eat, and you can tell me everything that's wrong…"

As Maho told her father about what had happened and how she had come to find him, she couldn't help but wolf down all that was put before her on the table. Having not eaten much during her last few weeks at Kuromorimine from worry over Emi's condition, and nothing at all since leaving the Graf Zeppelin, she ate more from hunger than appetite, but she couldn't deny that it was tasty.

"It almost tastes like Kikuyo's cooking," she said in a low voice. She had managed to calm herself while she ate, even if she was still feeling far from happy.

"I would hope so. She's the one who taught me how to cook," her father said over his shoulder.

"It was?"

"It was," he said with a beaming smile. "But I agree that she is far better at it than I."

"Oh. I didn't know that…" She answered in a low, but surprised voice. A question was nagging at the back of her mind, and she didn't know how to ask it. Silence fell over the room for a minute or so, but her father soon broke it with concern in his voice.

"I everything al…" he began, but Maho couldn't wait for an answer any longer.

"Why did you leave? Why on Earth would you..." she interrupted, before stopping herself. "Sorry, I don't have the right to ask questions, do I?" she said in a meek voice, averting her eyes from her father's surprised look.

He shrugged, and took a seat beside her by the table. "Shiho and I had different views on how you and Miho should be raised. She wanted to train you in Sensha-Do and the Nishizumi style no matter what, and I thought you should get to make the choice yourselves when you were older. In the end… I guess I just couldn't bear to stand by and watch." He took her hand in his own. "I'm sorry, Maho. I truly, truly am. I wish I would have done things differently. You've gone through far more than anyone twice your age should have, none of which you deserved. Still, I'm proud of you, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me someday."

Maho glanced up at her father, before looking away again. "How can you be proud of me? You left…" she said, despondent. "Why do you even care? You disappeared and Mother made it seem like you never existed, I show up on your doorstep a decade later, and you just take me in, despite not knowing me or what I've done or who I became? I don't get it. You didn't care for all that time, and now you act like we were never separated?"

He bowed his head and sat silent for a moment. "You're right…"

Maho sighed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be asking questions or making demands when I'm the one who came to you for help. Just… forget I said anything."

He rose from the table. "Wait here a second," he said and walked down the corridor. Maho bowed her head. Great. Another relationship she had ruined, and in not much more than an hour too. She chuckled mirthlessly at the thought. This was probably the fastest she had ever turned someone against her.

A minute or so later her father returned to the kitchen with a book under his arm, which he placed before Maho on the table.

"Go on, take a look," he said with a saddened smile. Maho glanced up at him, but opened the book to see its contents. To say she was surprised would be an understatement. Each page was filled with pictures, newspaper clippings, articles from various Sensha-Do magazines, and more. All of them focusing on a single person.

"I might have left you, and I know you might never forgive me for that. But I never stopped caring about you. Not for a second."

"Are these all… about me?" she said once the surprise let go of its grip on her.

"Yeah… I have another one for Miho." He sat back down at the table. "I never wanted to stop watching over you, Maho. It's a long story why, but I just had to do it from a distance for a while."

Maho continued flipping through the pages, until she came to where the content ended. The entire spread was filled to the brim with articles about the accident during the finals against Pravda, with photos of her running through the mud, with scattered notes and much else. And below it all, written in a proud and boisterous hand, was a single sentence; My daughter is a hero!

Maho turned her head to look at him, asking a wordless question that he answered with a smiling nod. She felt tears begin to fall from her cheeks and closed the book to save it from being damaged, bending over to give her father a hug.

"Thanks dad…" she said softly.

"It's not much, but it's what I've got right now. We'll fix you up something better soon." Her dad smiled from the corridor where he was leaning against the wall. "OK?"

Maho gave a nod in reply as she inspected the futon that had been rolled out for her. "It's fine. I'll be fine with this. You don't have to trouble yourself for my sake." She still felt guilty for being there. It felt like she was intruding. Like she was using the fact that she was his daughter in a dishonest fashion, and the fact that her dad didn't seem to mind only made it worse.

"It's no trouble, I promise." He walked back over to her and ruffled her hair. "I'm right at the end of the corridor if you need me for anything. If not, that's fine too." He turned to leave, and began making his way towards his own room. "Good night Maho."

"Yeah… Good night Dad…" The words felt strange and foreign to her. She was definitely feeling uncomfortable, but she had no idea if it was because the situation mandated it, or because she had never experienced affection like this before. Sure, there was Kikuyo when she was still living at home, but there always seemed to be an invisible barrier between the two of them. It made sense of course. Maho was the first-born daughter of her mother, the head of the Nishizumi family, and Kikuyo was only a servant, bound to serve her mother and Maho both, no matter the circumstance. It would never matter how close the two of them grew, the barrier would always remain.

She didn't exactly have much experience from any friendships either. Whenever anyone tried to get close to her at school, they had more often than not just been doing it because her surname was Nishizumi, and not because they actually wanted to spend time with her. Koume and Emi had been among the sole exceptions.

But her dad was different. As far as she could tell, he had no real reason to care for her, or to take her in. He had been missing for a decade, and yet the first thing he did when Maho showed up was to hug her and let her into his home without asking a single question. Still, she didn't want to think ill of him. She couldn't bring herself to. Especially when compared to her mother. She was without a shred of doubt a cruel and disdainful person, and if she had ever shown any love or affection for her, Maho hadn't seen it.

She tried her best to shake these thoughts from her mind, and prepared to sleep. She brushed her teeth, changed out of her dirt-ridden clothes, and laid down underneath the warm covers. Even if she was nowhere near at peace of mind, the exhaustion from her travels and the day as a whole soon took its toll, and she fell asleep.

Maho's sleep was not very peaceful however. She found herself standing alone in the freezing rain, looking on helplessly as the Panzer III fell down the cliffside and into the river. She wanted to run to them, to do something, but she was trapped in place. Her limbs were restrained and her mother stood behind her, holding the ropes that bound her. She berated Maho for her weakness and for her failure, seemingly taking uncharacteristic pleasure in her gloating. Any attempt Maho made to move, to help, would only start to choke her as the ropes curled more tightly around her, and yet she tried. As she felt panic begin to grip her, her thrashing became more violent. She had to get free. She had to do something. And suddenly, as if they had never existed, the ropes were gone and Maho fell face first into the mud.

When she lifted herself from the ground, she was no longer on the plateau in the rain, but in the commander's seat of the Panzer III. Koume and Emi sat below her in the turret, but Maho didn't dare look at them. Koume's face was hanging limply from a cut across her forehead, almost like it had been peeled off, and Emi's looked like it had been crushed by a hammer. She wasn't even moving, her body sitting limp in the seat as her voice rang through Maho's ears. They cried out for help as the cramped tank slowly filled with water, but once again Maho was powerless to do anything. She tried with all her might to push the hatch open, but it was too heavy, the weight of an ocean holding it in place as they sank deeper into the depths. The only thing she could do was watch her faceless friends cry out in anguish.

"Why didn't you help us?"

"Why wouldn't you do something?"

"You only cared about winning didn't you?"

"We were only pawns to you, weren't we?."

"That's the Nishizumi way for you."

As the tank slowly filled with water more and more, the voices quieted down and ultimately died out, as her friends lost the ability to speak from their lungs filling with water. Once they did, Maho was alone in the dark and murky depths, chipping for air as the tank filled to the brim, no rescue in sight. She couldn't save them, and she would soon perish together with the rest of her friends.

She awoke with a gasp, sweaty and short of breath. She threw off the covers to give her body better access to the cool night air, but to no avail. Looking at the time on her phone, it had barely been fifteen minutes since she had gone to bed. The nightmare was still fresh in her mind, and even though it had robbed her of rest, she tried to banish it from her memories as she lay down to sleep once more.

But her sleep was once again consumed by this dark reminder of her own failings. She was once again stuck watching the Panzer III fall, unable to do a thing or move a muscle to help. Again she thrashed in an attempt to get free, and again she fell into the mud. Again she found herself in the cramped tank as it filled up with water and her friends asked her why she was so horrible a person, and again she had no answers. Again their voices drowned out, and again she was left alone and distraught in the final moments before she too was silenced by the river.

And again, she woke up gasping for air and sticky with sweat. It seemed the nightmare didn't intend to leave her alone. She sat up and tried to take deep breaths and calm herself, but it didn't seem to help all that much. She just wanted to lie back down and go back to sleep, but she didn't need to make the attempt to know it would be pointless.

Even though she was still sweaty and the covers provided her ample warmth, she felt just as cold, despicable, and alone as she had in the final moments of the curled up in an attempt to assuage the feeling, but to no avail. She wished Kikuyo was there. Even if she was technically a servant, she had always given Maho a willing ear and a shoulder to cry against. She could really use her right now, but of course that was impossible.

Kikuyo wasn't there, and even if she was, she would be beholden to report on Maho's whereabouts to her mother, meaning she would have to leave again. She sighed as a thought entered her mind. It was one of those thoughts that made her feel even more stupid and worthless than she already felt. She glanced towards the corridor, and her dad's words echoed in her mind. "I'm right at the end of the corridor if you need me for anything." Was she really going to be that selfish? Was she really going to interrupt his sleep just because she had a nightmare? What was she; a child? Of course she wasn't.

But after another couple of minutes of cold worry and anxious thought, she gave in. She rose from the futon, and made her way down the corridor, knocking lightly on the door that stood ajar to her father's room.

"Mhuh?" He stirred and rubbed his eyes for a second. "Maho? What's the matter?"

"I can't sleep…" She was feeling more ridiculous and childish by the second, so she decided it was best to just ask before her embarrassment got the better of her. "Could… uhm… could I sleep here tonight?"

"Is it the futon?" He began getting up out of the bed, throwing his covers aside. "Of course you can sleep here. I'll be fine with the futon, so don't worry about it."

"N-no… that's… I mean… that's not what I meant." As if she hadn't felt silly the first time she asked. Now she would be forced to not only repeat herself, but to spell out precisely how much of a child she was. "I meant… would it be ok if… if… no, never mind. I'll go back to the living room. You just go back to sleep and forget I said anything."

"No, no, what did you mean?" He was asking sincerely, that much she could tell, but it didn't make her feel any better about having to ask for something so stupid.

"Would… would it be ok if I slept here… with you?" The moment the words passed her lips she felt a million times more embarrassed than she had before, and she could feel her cheeks redden to prove it. It was like asking for a stuffed toy or favorite blanket, or demanding that the lights be left on for fear of monsters. It was childish and silly and stupid, and she wished she had never asked.

"Oh." He glanced back and forth between Maho and the bed. It was decently sized, so there wouldn't be any need for them to be improperly close, but Maho was hoping the sheer fact that he was there would make her sleep easier. "I… I guess that's fine. If you want to, that is." He looked at her for confirmation, and she gave a quick, embarrassed nod in reply.

Maho awoke the next morning as sunlight gleamed in through the window, prying it's way past her eyelids. She tossed around a bit trying to escape this newfound unpleasantness, but to no avail, so in the end she opened her eyes. Looking around drowsily, she noticed she was alone again. A small sense of worry took root in her mind, and she got up from the bed, walking anxiously out through the hall and over towards the kitchen.

"Oh, good morning!" her dad called out cheerfully from the hall. "Did you sleep well?"

Maho was taken aback by the question for a moment, still processing the relief that she hadn't been abandoned once more. But once she considered it, she had to admit that she had slept better. She still remembered the nightmare clearly, as it had repeated further throughout the night, but at least it hadn't interrupted her sleep.

"Y-yeah…" she answered. "I guess."

"That's good to hear. There's some breakfast left on the stove, but I need to head out for a while. Are you going to be ok being alone for an hour or so?"

Maho paused. She still wasn't very comfortable with the idea of him leaving her, to maybe never return again, but she also felt that after last night she couldn't ask him to stay around just for her sake. There was a limit to how needy she could allow herself to be.

"I'll be fine," she lied, and nodded to him. "I'll see you later."

"You sure?" he asked, looking with a bit too much concern at her.

"Yes, I said I'm fine," she said slightly annoyed to him. "Now go, I'm not going to keep you waiting for my sake."

He left the house, and Maho made her way to the kitchen to get some breakfast. Images of the nightmare flashed in her mind periodically, and once she was finished, She remained at the table in her pajamas, staring down at her empty plate.

She sat there for a moment, and simply let it all wash over her. With the house empty, all her mistakes and terrible memories came rushing back to her. She was a coward. She was weak. Just like Miho and her mother said she was. If she had just been stronger in her convictions, Emi wouldn't be in a coma, Miho wouldn't have become a monster, and Maho wouldn't have run away. None of it would ever have happened.

"Indeed, it wouldn't have," she heard her mother say in her mind. "Not only are you a failure for losing the match, but even though you decided to throw your life and everything you should have valued away, you couldn't even do that right, could you?"

"No… I just… just…" Maho tried to protest, but of course her mother was right. If she just hadn't hesitated and come to a decision at once, her friends would be ok and she would have made it back to the battle in time to finish it.

"And now that you've run out of lives to ruin at Kuromorimine, you have come here. Surely your father can carry another burden, can't he? Why should you have to take responsibility for your actions?"

"Just… just shut up… you don't care about him. You don't care about me. You never did."

"Oh, but I care so very deeply for you Maho," the voice teased. "Not a night passes where I don't lie awake regretting that I raised such a failure."

"I'm not a failure… I did what was right, didn't I?" Maho's voice slowly grew meeker as she felt her conviction fail her. "As if I would be better off if I hadn't."

"Oh, but you would have, wouldn't you? You ran to help those who weighed the team down with their incompetence, and now you've lost everything, hiding in Kyoto and feeling miserable. Just imagine if you had done what was expected of you. You would have been the commander to gain the 10th consecutive win. You would have been lauded as a hero! A champion of Kuromorimine and a true daughter of the Nishizumi style! Yes, perhaps those girls wouldn't have made it, and perhaps you would have felt just as miserable, but by now it would have been over. The funerals would be a thing of the past, you would be respected and honored throughout the school, and your sister would be by your side as a loyal vice-commander. What better world could you imagine?"

Maho didn't respond. She didn't dare. Especially since she had had that exact same thought several times since the accident. What if she had just ignored the Panzer III? Maybe she would be happier that way? Everything would have returned to normal by now, and Miho wouldn't hate her. Maybe some other girl would have snapped and gone to save them, and they would now be the ones to have left Kuromorimine behind, cast out and shamed. Still, having to look at Emi's comatose body and Koume's downcast expressions every day made her certain she had made the correct choice.

But now, they were nowhere to be seen. Koume wasn't there to tell her everything was fine, and Emi wasn't there to call her out on how stupid she was being. She had only herself and her dark thoughts and nightmares to keep her company. Thankfully, with this seed having been planted anew, the voice didn't seem to have anything else to add and left her alone. She slammed the side of a fist into the table, and set to cleaning up the kitchen.

"I'm back!" From her place on the couch, Maho heard the door close as her dad returned to the house.

"Here." she said despondently and raised a hand above the back of the couch to let him know where she was. After a few minutes, he came over to her, leaning over the side to look at her.

"Is everything fine? I know it's probably strange with everything being so new, but you doing ok?"

"Yeah." She lied again. She couldn't keep piling her own problems onto him. She had to deal with them herself. "Everything's great," she said and forced a smile.

"Maho, are you doing ok?"

Maho looked up from her breakfast. It had been several weeks since he last asked her, something she had taken to mean she had finally managed to keep her problems hidden away. "Yeah, I'm fine," she answered, not wanting to bother her father with her own problems. "Why do you ask?" She had lived with him for a few months now, and the snow on the ground outside foretold the coming of the new year. Perhaps that would be the push she needed to really get better?

"Oh, well…" He looked down at his own food, seemingly uncomfortable. "I just thought… I mean… With all that's happened… maybe it would be a good idea if you started seeing someone… if you want to, that is. I'm not going to force you."

"No…" she said in a low voice. "I don't feel like it right now…" She steadied her chin on her wrist and looked out the window longingly, sighing. "There was someone… they were a good listener, and they were funny, and cute… but I messed that up, and they probably hate me now…" Glancing back, she saw her father trying to stifle a laugh. "What?! I'm 17, I can do what I want."

By this point he had broken out in complete laughter, but soon collected himself. "That's not what I meant. Of course you can do what you want on that front, and it's nice that you'd tell me." He still chuckled slightly as he spoke. "But I meant seeing someone as in someone to talk to. Someone who isn't me."

"Oh..." Maho felt her cheeks blush, and she averted her eyes towards the window again. "So that's what you meant… Then you could have said so!" She pouted, annoyed at her own misunderstanding and at her dad for causing it

"Maho, I'm not deaf. I know you're not doing great right now." He put a hand on hers. "I've been there too, and it really helped having someone to talk to. I'd love it if you wanted to talk with me, but I know that it can also be awkward talking with someone you know. So, if you want, I could book you a meeting with someone, maybe see if it helps?" She gave him a quick glance as she pondered the proposal. "If you don't want to, that's fine too. It's better to take your time with this stuff. But I do worry about you."

She sighed. "I don't know… But if you think it'll help, I might as well try…" She forced a smile. "I'm already causing enough trouble for you, without worrying you as well."

"I'm afraid you've already failed on that point. My eldest daughter shows up out of nowhere having run away from home after saving her friends' lives? How could I not be worried about you?" He shook his head. "But that's a problem for me to worry about, not you. I was actually meaning to ask about school."

"What about it? I doubt the teachers will give me a passing grade even if I had won us that match, seeing as I've been absent for a couple of months."

"Yes, well, that's what I meant. I might not force you to go and talk to anyone, but I really do think you should consider going back to school when the spring comes around."

Maho sat silent for a moment, before sighing. "I don't think I can…"

"Of course you can, honey. Sure, you might have to repeat a year, but you've always been clever. I really think it's for the best. Getting back to school and making some friends apart from your old man will probably help you feel better as well."

"Except that as soon as the Maho Nishizumi joins the school, I would be swarmed with requests to join the Sensha-Do team. And I don't intend to go back to tankery."

"Really?" He looked at her in surprise. Apparently she hadn't mentioned that she considered herself done with the sport. "But you're so good at it, and you seemed to be enjoying yourself when you did it in the past?"

"Yeah, well, I don't anymore," she protested, raising her voice slightly. "I don't want to do Sensha-Do anymore, and I don't want to get back into a tank again."

"Alright, that's fine. If that's what will make you ahoy, I'm not going to interfere." He held his hands up and dropped the idea of tankery. "But let's say we found a school without Sensha-Do? Then would you be up for it?"

She thought about it for a moment, and sighed. "I guess. But what kind of no-name school wouldn't even have a Sensha-Do team?"

Next Week on Dein Weg ist Mein Weg: Miho and Erika square off against Maho and Azusa in the Tank Café, and Azusa is torn between her wishes and her mission.

Author's Notes:

So, we're back to a slightly more manageable chapter-size this week, but I also feel that it brought a really nice change of pace. There have been a few scattered scenes here and there, but after 17 chapters I finally got to write about Maho being safe and loved and appreciated, something she is most certainly long overdue for.

This chapter originally had a very different layout and focus, but I decided that exploring the relationship between Tsuneo and Maho was more important, and I hope that I got that across in the text of the chapter. We also see the beginnings of the nightmares and voices that affect Maho even in the present, the poor thing.

Speaking of the present, next week we return to the tank café, and Maho and Azusa's unexpected meeting with Erika and Miho, which I think will be highly interesting. We're also slowly but surely building back up towards the match against Saunders.

As always I want to thank you all for your support of the series, and I would love to keep hearing your thoughts. Nothing brings more warmth to my heart than seeing you guys enjoy my writing, so if it's not too bothersome, please consider leaving a review.

And with that, I will take my leave and see you all next week. Au Revoir!

/Rihno