Dein Weg ist Mein Weg

Chapter XXVIII

The Lonely

A/N: This chapter takes place simultaneously with Chapter 27: The Return

The Firefly's shell slammed into the M3 Lee with the force of a freight train, sending it up on one tread and collapsing like a felled elephant onto its side, throwing Irisa from the Commander's cupola. She hit the ground shoulder first, her legs scratching against the rough, rocky soil as she slid a few feet, cutting furrows into the ground as she did so before coming to a rest by a small puddle. She glanced back to the collapsed tank, white flag flying in the wind and a thin trail of smoke emanating from its engine block.

Irisa's shoulder ached at every moment, and the slightest movement sent lightning bolts of pain through her arm, but through it all she pushed herself to her knees, but that was all she could muster. Her legs wouldn't move, and she was stuck where she was with only her own reflection in the puddle to look at.

But her reflection wasn't there. Instead of herself, there was just a girl. A girl with dirty and greasy short brown hair, wearing a sweaty olive tank top, a dirty white skirt with muddy boots on, her arm in a sling and a stained jacket draped like a cape over her shoulders. Irisa was nowhere to be found, and instead the only one staring back at her was her stupid, bratty sister. There was no one but Azusa in the reflection, smiling back up at her, even with her arm in a sling and looking like an absolute mess, as if she had been jumping in puddles and wrestled with stray dogs, like the kid she was.

Be-be-be-beep, Be-be-be-beep, Be-be-be-beep.

Azusa grumbled as she reached for the alarm clock, staring bitterly up at the ceiling for another minute or two in the silence, until the alarm began to beep again. She just turned it off once more, and turned to her side. She hated that dream. The dream where she was Irisa, and her own reflection insisted on taunting her with that annoying smile. Ever since the Saunders-match it had shown up now and then, and she hated it every time.

Again, the alarm clock began to beep and she could only groan as she sat up. She couldn't delay it any longer, she had to get up. She had to get up, had to get cleaned up, had to get dressed, and had to get going, or else she was going to be late for school and get detention, and then she wouldn't be on time for Sensha-Do practice…

No…

That's right…

She wasn't going to Sensha-Do practice regardless…

She quit…

She sighed and buried her face in her palm for a moment, before packing her bag and getting her things for the day. Sure, she had quit. So what? She didn't want to do Sensha-Do, and she didn't want to be near Maho, so it all made sense. She was done with that stupid sport, and now she could go back to studying, being responsible, and giving the world what it wanted from her; Irisa.

Preemptively, she grabbed the brush from her nightstand and put her bag down beside her as she stood in front of the mirror. Irisa wasn't there. Of course she wasn't. It was just her own stupid reflection looking back at her, and she could only sigh as she set to work correcting it.

But it didn't seem to matter. She must have stood in front of the mirror for twenty minutes, maybe even half-an-hour, and still she couldn't get Irisa to appear. No matter what she tried, the mirror only kept presenting her with slightly different versions of herself.

Every one of which she hated seeing.

"C'mon, Azusa! Please?!"

"Yeah, won't you please reconsider?!"

"We need you! It's not team Rabbit without our leader!"

"No," Azusa said shortly and with conviction, "I'm done. I didn't want to do Sensha-Do before, and I don't want to do it now." She quickened her pace slightly and muttered bitterly under her breath, pulling ahead of the rest of her friends as they walked through the corridors of the school.

Asking her to go back to the garage and rejoin the team had been the only thing they had been talking about the past two days, ever since she told them she quit the team on Monday. It was the only thing they had been talking about. By this point it was much closer to begging than politely asking, but Azusa still gave the same answer.

"No," she repeated for what must have been the tenth time since the final bell chimed, "I'm not going back!"

"Azusa, please, just listen to us," Aya pleaded as she jumped in front of Azusa's path, "You're the only one who has any idea how to command a tank, or what to even keep in mind. I can aim the 37mm, and that's it! I can't do that and keep an eye on everyone else at the same time. That's why we need you. You're the only one who can keep track of everything and lead."

"The Student Council makes do without a full crew," Azusa countered and crossed her arms. She could feel her mood start turning from annoyance to anger. "And you're still almost twice as many in that stupid tank. So I think it stands to reason you should be just as capable of handling yourselves."

"Oh come on, Azusa, why can't you just come back and join the team again?" Ayumi asked, and tugged lightly at her sleeve. "We all had fun in the Lee, and in less than three weeks we're gonna be in the second round of the National championship! Don't you get how cool that is?!"

"Yeah, we could even go all the way to the finals, and maybe," Yuuki continued, "we could even win, if you just come back to the tea-"

"FOR THE LAST TIME; NO!" Azusa yelled and pulled her arm free from Ayumi's hand. "I'm not going back! Not while Ma-I mean-Commander Nishizumi is there! She just keeps pushing Irisa away from me!"

"What?" Karina asked with a confused look. "Who on Earth's Irisa?"

"Forget it," Azusa muttered. "It's nothing."

"Azusa, is there something wrong between you and the Commander?" Aya asked with a concerned voice. "You know we're ready to help you out with anything, as long as you talk to us about it, right? So what's wrong?"

"I'm fine," Azusa growled, and pushed Aya out of her way. "I just want to go home and study, so leave me alone."

"Azusa, wait-" Aya tried to put a hand on Azusa's shoulder to stop her, but Azusa turned in an instant to shake it off.

"I said: Leave me alone!" She yelled, and walked away with brisk, bitter paces, leaving her friends behind.

"Shouldn't we go after her?" Karina asked.

"If she wants to be left alone, it's our job as her friends to leave her alone…" Aya sighed. "Besides, we need to get going to the garage. Practice starts in fifteen minutes."

"Well, nice work everyone," Maho said with what she knew was nowhere near the enthusiasm or conviction needed to make it sound convincing, but it was all she could muster. "See you on Monday morning for practice."

A low murmur followed, with the odd "Thanks, Commander," or "Have a nice weekend," being spoken as the team began chatting amongst themselves, walking in their scattered groups away from the garage.

"You don't have to stay around," Maho said with a nod to Ami as she walked back into the garage, looking blankly at a folder of documents. "I'm gonna stick around for a bit, so I'll make sure everything is put away and locked down properly."

"You sure?" Ami asked, but another dour nod from Maho was answer enough. "Well, alright then, see you on Monday!"

"Yeah, have a nice weekend," Maho answered absentmindedly as she sat down by the lone desk in the garage, pushed up against the back wall. She glanced at the stack of report cards she had left to fill in, sighed, and grabbed a pen as she set to work.

The work was tedious and repetitive on the best of days, but today, just like the rest of the days of the week, had been far from the best of days. She had dithered and doubted herself all session long, sometimes even countermanding her own orders mere moments after she had given them.

"Maporin?!" Saori cheered from the open doorway into the garage. "Are you coming?!"

"What?" Maho sighed as she rested her forehead against her palm and continued her work.

"We're all going to Yukari's place! Her parents are making curry and we're all invited!" she answered, and walked over to the desk. "So are you coming?"

"No," Maho muttered. "I'm busy, and I'm not in the mood."

"Something the matter?" Saori asked and silently gestured to Hana, Yukari, and Mako, who were waiting by the door, to go ahead without them.

"No," Maho answered shortly.

"You sure? It seems like something's bothering you."

Someone is bothering me, that's for sure Maho thought, but instead answered "No, I'm fine. And even if something was bothering me, it's none of your business. Just leave me be so I can get these stupid report-cards filled in."

"Oh. You sure you don't want to-"

"Yes, I'm sure," Maho reiterated. "You've dragged me along for stuff after practice every single day of the week, and I'll even admit there have been moments where I enjoyed the company. I think I've been perfectly civil and reasonable in going along with your flights of fancy, but there has to be a limit somewhere. So unless you're completely incapable of living your lives without me nearby, then could you please just let me be alone and get this work done?" She put the pen down, and turned to look at Saori. "Was there anything else?"

"Well… uhm… I mean… there was one more thing… That is… unless you're busy…"

Maho groaned, and put her face in her hands for a moment before looking back up. "Fine. What is it?" she sighed.

"So, you know about Azusa?"

"What about her?" Maho muttered as she turned back to her work. "She quit the team, and is therefore none of my business."

"But, isn't she though? You two are friends, aren't yo-"

"No. We are not friends," Maho said coldly. "Why do you even bring her up?"

"Well, Rabbit team came and talked to me before practice… They're worried about her, and think something happened between the two of you that might have caused her to quit…"

"I don't know what they're talking about," Maho lied. "If she wants to run away and hide from her problems, then so be it."

"Still, you are the Commander," Saori prodded. "Can't you just go talk to her?"

"No," Maho said definitively. "As long as she's not on the team, I couldn't care less."

"But Maho-"

"No 'buts'," Maho interrupted, and slammed the pen down on the desk. "Anything else?"

Saori paused, and shook her head.

"Then I think you mentioned something about a curry that needed your attention." Maho picked up the pen, and began filling in another report card. "See you on Monday."

"Yeah…" Saori said with a hint of disappointment, and began to leave the garage. "See ya Monday…"

Now at last alone, Maho continued her work in silence. Exactly the way she preferred it. But her mind was still not at peace. Why was it her problem if Azusa had quit? If that treacherous coward wanted to turn and run at the first sight of trouble, then that was her choice to make, and Maho couldn't care less.

She couldn't care less. Yeah. She didn't care in the slightest that Azusa quit, or that it meant the M3 Lee was now suddenly the worst performing tank on the team, or that Aya's aim turned out to be even worse than the cyclops' when she had to command the tank, or that Azusa had lied, or that she had been spying on Maho, or that she dared call her a liar, or…

"Gahhh!" she yelled and threw the pen against the wall, gripping her right wrist with her left hand, trying to massage the pain away as she let her fingers twitch and grip at the air. The pace of her writing had steadily quickened as she wrote, driven on by the raging storm clouds of thoughts in her head, and ultimately it had reached a point where her hand had simply cramped up.

She pushed the chair away from the desk and leaned her head back as she massaged her wrist for the pain, closing her eyes. Saori was wrong. Her and Azusa weren't friends. If they were friends, Azusa wouldn't have spied and reported on her to the pipsqueak. If they were friends, she wouldn't have yelled at her or called her a liar, just for telling the truth. She wouldn't just have run away like the coward she was. She would have stayed and faced the trouble head on.

Against her wishes and better judgement, her mind didn't stop there, and instead leapt years back in time, dragging up old memories of how she had been sitting at another desk like this, filling in paperwork and trying to think of plans. Her stomach rumbled and her heart soared at the memories, a Pavlovian response to the situation and lateness of the hour, expecting the smell of food that wasn't there, and the smiling company that most definitely wasn't there.

She sighed, and got up from the chair, leisurely walking around the planning table. She wished Koume was here. Maho could never have asked for a better vice-commander when she was back at Kuromorimine, nor could she have asked for a better friend. But she had messed it all up, just like she did everything she put her mind to. She could feel what little reserves of confidence this latest week of failures hadn't diminished begin to run dry, as she fell back into the dark intrusive thoughts that hid in her mind, every failure or bad memory a knife that stabbed at her heart.

She had robbed herself of every friend, every bit of happiness she had ever been offered. Emi was lying unconscious in some hospital bed, Koume hated her and thought of her as a failure, and Miho felt nothing but contempt and hatred for her.

She began to pace up and down before the tanks in the garage, muttering nonsense to herself just to have something fill the void.

"It's a shame we can't go and talk things out with her, is it?" the voice in her head told her, full of sarcasm.

"No, I can't. Emi's in a coma, Koume's who knows where, and Miho would throw me under the treads of a tank before I even got a word out."

"That may be, but there is someone we can resolve things with, isn't there?"

"If you're talking about Azusa, I'm not going to just forgive that traitor. She spied on me and lied to me the entire time, and then she has the gall to call me a liar. She can come apologize to me, and then I might consider forgiving her." She threw a light jab in the air at the thought as she muttered to herself. "Serves me right, I guess. I knew I shouldn't trust people, and still I fell for it." She paused for a second and glanced over at the large American tank in the corner. "But it's not my problem that she's a coward. If the Student Council can manage without a full crew, the freshmen should be able to as well. We don't need a liar like her on the team, and I certainly don't need her either."

"Hey, Azusa! Wait up!"

Azusa looked over her shoulder as she left school and prepared to head home. "Oh," she mumbled as Miss Takebe from the Sensha-Do team sprinted up to her. "Miss Takebe. What is it?"

"Please, just call me Saori!" she answered with a cheerful smile. "Do you have a minute? I was wondering if you wanted to go have some ice cream or something. I know this great place over by the entrance to the docking bay of the ferry."

"No, I'm going home to study," Azusa muttered, and continued on her path. Alone. As she had for the past few days after school. "So just leave me alone…"

"Nope!" Saori said triumphantly and grabbed her by the arm, dragging her down a different road.

"Hey, let go of me!" Azusa tried to protest, but the Radio Operator's grip was surprisingly strong. Several attempts to struggle free later, it was clear that Azusa was getting dragged along whether she wanted to or not, with her senior's cheerful chatter taking the place of the silence she would have preferred.

"Thanks!" Saori said cheerfully to the server as they placed two small cups of ice cream down on the table, and two accompanying cups of tea. "Mmm, this is so good, I haven't actually gotten the chance to go here for a while. Whenever I go with hana they just show us the door, so it's been a rare occurrence lately," she laughed as she tasted her ice cream.

"Right…" Azusa muttered and picked at her own cup. She wasn't in the mood for idle chit-chat. Or anything else for that matter.

"Oh, come on, just try it!" Saori tempted. "It's my treat after all, so it'd be a shame if it went to waste!"

Azusa sighed, and scooped a small piece of ice cream onto her spoon to taste. It was indeed really good, even if she didn't really want to admit it.

"What D'ya think?!"

"It's… fine… I guess…" Azusa mumbled, and tried her best to suppress the smile that tried to crawl across her lips.

"Right?!" Saori said with a smile, and took a sip of her tea. "So…" she continued after a moment, "What's going on?"

"I'm being held hostage by one of my seniors when I just want to go home and study…" Azusa grumbled, and looked down at the tea.

"You know that isn't what I meant," Saori noted with surprising calm. "I'm talking about you and Maho, and why you quit."

"If you're here just to tell me to forgive her or something, then you can just leave," Azusa answered, and rested her cheek against her palm as she looked disinterestedly out the window. "She's a liar and a monster, and I hate her…"

"I'm not," Saori replied and adjusted the position of her tea, "But it's a good thing I know you don't really mean that." She paused for a moment, and looked Azusa right in the eye with nothing but seriousness on her face. "Because if you were to actually insult my friend like that, I would have Hana throw you overboard." The cold bitterness was there for only a few seconds, and then, as suddenly as it had appeared, it was gone. "But as I said, I'm not here to tell you what to do, and you didn't actually mean that, so we don't have to worry!"

If Azusa hadn't witnessed it herself, she would never have believed or even noticed that Saori had been anything but cheerful the entirety of the conversation.

"I'm just asking what's up. I'm not gonna force you to answer anything or do anything you don't want. I'm just asking. And I'm not here on Maho's behalf either. When I asked her what was up she just gave me the cold shoulder."

"Sounds like her…" Azusa muttered.

"Yeah, maybe," Saori shrugged with a smile. "Maho's a complicated person. I don't know much, nothing more than what Yukari knew from her years of following Sensha-Do and what little Maho told me herself, but I know she hasn't had it easy in life."

"Growing up rich, with a famous name, a master of Sensha-Do, heir to the family, your future all set, and a sister beside you," Azusa said in a low voice. "Doesn't exactly sound like hell, does it?"

"I'm not one to gossip," Saori said shortly, which Azusa knew was nothing but a convenient lie. If there was one thing the Panzer IV Radio Operator famously adored, it was gossip. "But," she continued, "I know her life hasn't exactly been a dance on roses. Maybe she'll tell you herself one day, maybe she won't. But that doesn't really matter. As I said, I'm not here for Maho's sake. She'd probably just be angry if she knew I was talking to you…"

"So then what is it you want?" Azusa asked, coldly. She was tired of this conversational game of cat and mouse, and it was just making her angry. "Why are you talking to me, and why did you insist on dragging me along here?"

"I'm talking to you because I worry. Maybe you quit the team, but you're still our teammate, and so I worry. And I'm not alone. All of Rabbit team swarmed me the other day asking for help to get you to reconsider. Or at least on how to be able to make you feel better. Aya, Yuuki, Saki, Ayumi and Karina, they all worry about you, because you are their friend and they're yours. And when your friends aren't feeling well, you want to do everything you can to help." Saori paused and took a large sip of her tea, then a large scoop off her remaining ice cream. "So," she finally continued, "I ask again: What's going on?"

Azusa didn't say anything at first, instead just weighing her words in her head. "It's nothing," she finally answered, and got up from her chair to leave, "I just want to be left alone, and to study."

"Why can't they all just leave me alone?" Azusa muttered to herself and sighed, putting her face in her hands.

She had wanted to just go back home and study like she was supposed to after leaving Saori at the café, but she was too wound up to think clearly, so she was sitting alone on a park bench in the early evening.

She felt like nothing was going her way. She was losing her grip on Irisa, she was growing angry, she felt trapped and at the same time isolated. She had spent the week telling everyone to leave her alone, and no one seemed to let her be. No one except her friends, who hadn't spoken a word to her ever since she yelled at them earlier in the week. It was ironic, like a wish from a monkey's paw, that she had wanted to be alone and now that she was she just wanted to talk to someone. But there was no one left for her to talk to.

She heard someone sit down on the bench next to her, but she didn't have the energy to leave. "I'm sorry, I just want to be left alone right now," she mumbled without looking up, "So if you don't mind, could you just go sit somewhere else?"

"...friend…"

It was a soft and quiet voice, one Azusa clearly recognized despite so rarely hearing it. "Saki?" she asked as she looked up, and sure enough, sitting beside her was her so often quiet friend. "What are you doing here?"

Saki didn't answer, not that Azusa expected her to, but instead just looked at her.

"I don't know…" Azusa sighed, answering the unasked question and looking out across the park, the streetlights just starting to come on. "I just… I wanted to be alone... At least, that's what I thought I wanted… But instead I just feel angry and alone…"

She glanced over to Saki, who remained quiet, but also didn't appear to try and leave or stop her.

"I'm sorry, Saki… I'm sorry I yelled at you guys. I just wanted to be like Irisa, and I couldn't even do that right…"

A hint of curious confusion appeared on Saki's face. Or at least, that's what Azusa interpreted it as.

"Right… I guess I never told you all about her… She's… or, I mean… she was… rather…" She sighed and bowed her head. "Sorry… I don't… I don't know what to say… She was my sister, and she was always better than me at everything. Always perfect. And when she died, all the world was left with was… was me. Stupid, irresponsible, worthless Azusa. And I guess, I just thought… I just thought I should give the world Irisa back. If it would stop all the pity and the hurt, then what did it matter? It's not like anyone liked me for who I was, so it was a small price to pay just to see mom and dad smile again… I just had to be like Irisa, and do what she would do… Simple as that..." She paused and rolled her thumbs for a moment, feeling something wet start making its way down her cheek, and her voice getting fainter. "Who am I kidding… I don't have a clue what Irisa would do. I don't know what she was really like or what she wanted, and now I don't even know what I want. I just… I just… I'm just a big liar." The single tear was joined by more of its comrades. "I lied to everyone, and tried to be someone I'm not. And now I didn't just screw up Irisa's life, I screwed up my own and all of yours' too!"

She could feel something break within her, and she started to cry. Not cry in the way you did when watching a sad scene in a movie, or when you diced onions. No, she began to cry the way a child would when they scraped their knee, sobbing beyond control and sniffling to no end, all for something so small and stupid that no one should ever bother to worry about it.

She felt Saki place a hand on her shoulder, which just made it worse. Now she wasn't just crying over something stupid that didn't matter, she was inconveniencing her friend over it as well. But then something strange happened. She felt herself get pulled in close by Saki's surprisingly strong arms, strength built up by loading the heavy 37mm shells, and her face was pushed tightly against Saki's chest, one arm holding her firmly in place as she cried, and another gently stroking her hair as Saki said something, almost unintelligibly quiet.

"...there… butterfly…"

Azusa could do nothing against the embrace, but she couldn't even be bothered to struggle against it. She just sobbed and sniffled against Saki's torso, sobbed and sniffled until every reserve had run dry. Only then did Saki let go of her.

"Thanks, Saki," she said with a smile, holding back a sniffle as she dried the last of the tears against her sleeve.

"...you…" Saki asked, or at least said in a way that made it sound like a question.

"I don't know what I want, Saki…" Azusa answered, and leaned back against the bench. "I don't know… I want to hang out and spend time with you guys, but I can't go back to the team. Even though I like Sensha-Do. At least, I think I do. Not while the Commander is still there. She just… just…" She sighed, and got up from the bench, walking a few leisurely paces before turning around. "She just makes me angry. And I don't like being angry. Irisa wasn't an angry person…" I guess I'm not one either," she added after a seemingly accusatory look from Saki. "Sorry. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself or anything, I just… I just don't know yet." She forced a smile. "But I'll figure it out sooner or later." She walked back to the bench, and gave Saki a hug. "Thank you, Saki. I'm sorry you had to see me like that, and I'm sorry I got angry with you."

"...pretty…" Saki said, seemingly unprompted, and Azusa let her go, trying to understand what she meant. Seeing the starlit sky above them, and how it seemed to have captured Saki's attention, Azusa could just give a small giggle.

"Yeah, it is a pretty night," she said as she turned to leave. "You're the best, Saki. I'll see you on Monday again!"

Next time on Dein Weg ist Mein Weg: The team is faced with a new challenge as Maho implements her ideas, and Azusa comes to a decision

Author's Notes:

So, this chapter was kind of a bit of a last minute change. Originally this chapter was going to continue to follow Maho and the team, with Azusa's story only taking up a small part of the chapter, but as I thought about it, I realized Azusa's story needed some more time for me to explore, so a lot of plans and ideas for this chapter got moved over to chapter 29 instead. Still, with a little luck that means ch29 isn't too far away.

I don't have a ton to say about this chapter honestly, other than admitting that writing Azusa well has turned out to be a much greater challenge than I anticipated, but I hope it all meets the quality you've come to expect of this story.

What I do however have to say, is about some of the previous chapters. I've been debating back and forth on this for a little while now, but I think I made a mistake in how I portrayed Azusa's relationship with her mother in chapter 23. It's a lot more hostile than I think is correct for this story, so I've gone back and redone the opening scene of the chapter to reflect this correction to their relationship. Of course it would be great if you went back and reread the scene in full, but if you don't want to, I can just say that Azusa's parents are portrayed as a lot more caring and kind now than they were in the original version of the chapter.

I'll also be going back and fixing some other small details that I now realize don't fit properly in the story, such as changing the color of Maho's jacket in the early chapters, but the relationship between Azusa and her parents is the only really major change that I think you all should be aware of. It's not the most elegant work i've done, but that's what it's like reading a story as it's being worked on from week to week.

As always, it's great to read your reviews so please keep them coming, and I'll see you all next time, as we get ever closer to the second round of the tournament.

Auf wiedersehen,

/Rihno