Chapter 34.

Kayo was startled awake by something smashing.

She groaned and buried her face in her pillow, grimly realising with a glance at the clock that she'd been asleep for only two hours. Over on her right, Penelope sat bolt upright, her sleep mask askew.

"What's happening?" Penelope demanded, kicking the covers off and making a grab for Sherbert, "Are we being boarded?"

Kayo dropped her chin onto her chest and sighed, "No, it's just the boys being stupid again. They must have woken up and reconvened on deck. Make sure the door is locked and leave them to their antics."

Penelope frowned as a splash sounded outside, no doubt the result of yet another Tracy falling overboard, "I hardly think that's a good idea, Kayo. The yacht can be repaired, but broken bones and hypothermia are a trifle harder to fix. Now, get yourself up and meet me and Bertie outside."

With a swish of her pink silk dressing gown, Penelope vanished out the door in a cloud of perfume.

Kayo sighed and heaved herself into a sitting position. She hoped the boys were sober enough to run in a straight line, because if she happened to catch one of them…well, things would get messy.

Leaving Celery asleep on the floor, Kayo creaked open the door and joined Parker and Penelope in the main hallway. A shiver of dread slid down her spine when she realised that all of the boy's doors were open and their cabins unoccupied.

"They've been making a right ruckus, m'lady!" Parker wheezed, shivering slightly in his tartan pyjamas, "Mister Gordon found that crate of Cheval Blanc you were keeping for the Duchess of Kent, and 'im and 'is brothers 'ave been uncontrollable ever since. I tried to stop 'em m'lady, but there's five of 'em and only one 'o me."

"Five?" Kayo frowned in alarm, "You mean Alan's involved?"

Parker dropped his head and nodded sadly, "They're like an 'erd of mad 'orses. I tried to talk some sense into 'em, but the wine 'as gone straight to their 'eads. I think being cooped up on that tiny island 'as finally got to 'em."

"Well, this is rather distressing," Penelope muttered, tightening the sash on her dressing gown and striding towards the staircase, "Kayo, lock all the cabin doors. We don't want them running for cover. Parker, go down to the kitchen and dispose of everything vaguely alcoholic. That includes the rum and raisin ice cream in the freezer. Also, hide all the medication in the first aid kit and all of the knives. We mustn't overlook basic safety."

"Right away, m'lady!" Parker replied, his slippers scuffing the immaculate hardwood floor as he shuffled off.

Penelope sighed and began to ascend the staircase, mentally steeling herself for what she was about to witness.

The scene on deck wasn't quite as bad as she'd anticipated. Scott and John had their arms linked together and were trying (and failing) to sip from overflowing glasses of wine while tipsily reciting the names of the ten closest stars to earth.

Alan was passed out in a boneless heap on the floor. One of his shoes was on back-to-front and his shirt had gone AWOL.

Virgil and Gordon were up on the bow, mimicking the famous Titanic pose while screeching like a pair of hyenas.

"Near, faaaaar, wherever you areeee!" Gordon squawked, closely followed by Virgil's equally horrific chorus of, "I believe that the heart will, go onnnnnn!"

Penelope felt a sudden affinity for teachers with unruly students in their classes. As it was, her own class consisted of just five students, four of which were adults.

Bringing her fingers to her lips, Penelope let out an ear-splitting whistle that caught the attention of every living thing within a fifty foot radius. Virgil spun around so quickly he accidentally knocked Gordon's outstretched arm, the resulting impact sending the aquanaut careening into the sea for the second time that night.

"Don't ever let go, Virg!" Gordon screamed before crashing through the surface.

Penelope resisted a snort of laughter before squaring her shoulders and staring each of the remaining three Tracys in the eye. She was acutely aware that their combined physical strength far surpassed her own, plus they were drunk and not thinking straight.

"I think you've all had quite enough for one night," Penelope clipped, glancing down as Gordon hauled himself out of the water with the coordination of a baby platypus, "As your hostess, I politely ask that you all return to your cabins and remain there until morning."

"Can't do that," Scott slurred, accidentally knocking over John's glass, "Virgil snores like an elephant with the flu. Plus, the last time we had a night like this was back at Christmas. No wait, scratch that, we were called out to a cyclone on Christmas, so the last time we had a night like this was John's birthday, which was last October."

It was at that moment that both Kayo and Parker reappeared, flanking Penelope like a couple of pyjama-clad bouncers.

"I've confiscated the last of the booze, m'lady!" Parker cheerfully informed, "There'll be no more drinking on this 'ere boat."

"And I've taken the liberty of hiding Thunderbird Two's keys," Kayo added smugly, her lips twitching when four pairs of eyes widened in horror, "You can either go quietly back to your rooms, or swim home tomorrow. The decision is yours, but please know that I'm fine with whichever you choose."

Despite the Pimms, beer, and wine coursing through his system, Scott recognised logic when he saw it. With a sigh that doubled as a groan, he motioned for his brothers to follow Kayo, before stooping to pick up Alan.

"We'll see you in the morning," Penelope chirped as she herded a staggering Virgil back into line, "Of course, if there's anything you need in the meantime, don't hesitate to call on Parker."

"Excuse me, m'lady?" Parker wheezed in disbelief, twisting around only to be met by his boss's door slamming in his face.

"Parker, you haven't got any bottled water lying around have you?" Scott asked, "I'm parched."

"I could murder something to eat," Gordon added, staggering slightly as he tried desperately to remember which room was his, "We've not eaten all evening. Parker, any chance you could whip up a few sandwiches?"

"I'm starting to feel sick," John complained, clutching his head, "I don't suppose you've got any ginger tea, have you?"

"I think I might have thrown my pillow overboard," Virgil confessed, hiccupping slightly, "Parker, have you got a spare in your room? John won't let me borrow any of his."

The Grey Ninja could only slouch as four pairs of eyes gazed at him expectantly.

"Right away, sirs."

-x-

Lady Penelope wasn't just a lady in name.

She was also one in practise.

If her years at Finishing School had taught her anything, it was that a guest should always be offered tea.

Even if they were lying face down on the kitchen table and snoring like a bear driving a bulldozer.

Penelope resisted the urge to drape a blanket over Gordon's quivering shoulders. The aquanaut looked as if he'd been partially digested and then vomited back up. His blond hair was stuck to his forehead, his skin was clammy and pale, and his eyes were puffy and red-rimmed.

"Good morning, Bertie," Penelope whispered to the little pug as she set the kettle to boil, "Try and wake Gordon up for me, would you? But be gentle."

Sherbert yapped something that probably translated as 'F.A.B', before scrambling onto Gordon's lap and gently kneading the aquanaut's thighs with his paws.

"Bleugh…" Gordon groaned, burying his face in his arms as the sun assaulted his tortured eyes, "G'way Bertie…sleeping…"

"I think some tea would do you a world of good," Penelope advised, stepping over Alan who was passed out in front of the fridge, "Sugar? Milk?"

"Both," Gordon mumbled, leaning down to stroke Celery who'd suddenly materialised, "I don't suppose you have any paracetamol, do you?"

"I have something even better," Penelope replied, reaching into one of the cupboards and fishing out a packet of Celery Crunch Bars, "I picked up a box just for you on the way to the harbour yesterday."

Gordon flushed pink and shyly accepted the bar that was offered alongside his tea, "Thank you."

"Don't give it another thought," Penelope smiled, reaching down to gently shake Alan's shoulder, "Alan, darling? You need to get up before I trip over you."

Alan gave a moan of discomfort and rolled onto his front, one hand groping blindly for something soft to cuddle. A lone oven mitt was swiftly located and repurposed as a pillow.

Penelope was just about to ease the youngest into a sitting position, when five new bodies entered the room.

"Is there any coffee on offer?" Virgil groaned, slapping a palm against the side of his face as he eased himself down next to Gordon, "I could murder a double shot espresso."

"Are we still 'iding the paracetamol, m'lady?" Parker asked, bringing up the rear of the group like a professional sheepdog.

"Not anymore, Parker. Feel free to dish it out," Penelope instructed, moving to allow Scott and John to pass, "Coffee or tea, lads?"

"Neither," John groaned, his eyes hidden behind a pair of Kayo's sunglasses, "I feel as if my head's about to explode. Caffeine or sunlight would be the final nail in the coffin."

"Like your new look Mister John, sir," Parker sniggered, his humour transitioning to shock when Scott seized a bag of coffee and began to eat the beans raw, "Mister Scott! You're supposed to grind 'em up and add 'em to 'ot water first."

Scott made no acknowledgement that he'd even heard Parker, his red-rimmed eyes gazing blankly into space as he shovelled bean after bean into his mouth.

Down on the floor, Alan whined pathetically and tried to sit up, "Ugh…did you guys get it?"

"Get what?" John mumbled, his attention focussed on the painkillers Kayo was offering him.

"The plate number of the bus that hit me," Alan elaborated, rubbing his hands over his face, "I can't believe I let you guys talk me into drinking. You are the worst brothers in the world."

Kayo and Parker shot pointed looks at Scott, who shrugged sluggishly and continued to graze on Penelope's expensive coffee, "I'm your brother. Not your dad."

"You're as good as," Kayo challenged, offering Alan a glass of water.

Scott snorted, "I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. I'm also deaf in one ear. Do the math."

Alan frowned in alarm and swivelled to face Scott, only to be pacified with an eyeroll, "It's a joke, Alan. I can hear just fine."

"Holy hell on a Thunderbird!" Virgil loudly exclaimed, examining the bruises on his forearms and reaching up to gingerly touch a bump that was beginning to form on his head, "What did we get up to last night?"

Gordon frowned and took a long swig of tea out of the fresh mug Penelope had set down in front of him, "Not sure. I think I remember showing John how to do an underwater backflip, but the rest is hazy."

"I remember that," Alan gave a small nod, "You smacked him in the face and gave him yet another nosebleed. Virgil was worried we were going to attract sharks."

Gordon scrunched up his face and rubbed his forehead, "Not my fault he's a giraffe. I think I might have accidentally kicked him in the chest on one occasion as well."

John merely snorted, chasing his painkillers with a slug of water, "At least you kept it all above waist level."

"I remember trying to take a bite out of one of the life rings as well," Gordon confessed, absently running his tongue over his gums, "Those things are a lot tougher than they look."

Scott cocked his head, "Was that before or after you played the ukulele?"

Gordon pinched his eyes shut, wracking his memory, "Before. No wait, after. No wait, before. No wait, after. No wait-"

The aquanaut was silenced by John slamming a fist into his shoulder, "Ah! Geez John, what the hell? That hurt!"

"As does my head!" the redhead snapped, oblivious to how ridiculous he looked wearing Kayo's cat-eye sunglasses, "Now shut up before I throw you overboard for good."

Gordon mumbled something rude, but did as instructed.

"I 'ate to be the bearer of bad news, m'lady," Parker began in a tone that suggested otherwise, "But we 'ave to be at that luncheon in Bangkok by midday."

Penelope clicked her tongue, her eyes travelling over the five sorry messes in front of her, "Kayo, any chance you could pilot Thunderbird Two home for the boys? I don't think any of them are fit enough to get behind the controls."

Kayo shook her head, her comm device glowing, "Sorry, but an emergency SOS just came through from a vessel in the Coral Sea. I've instructed Thunderbird Shadow to collect me from the harbour in fifteen minutes."

Penelope pursed her mouth as Alan flopped face first into the slice of toast Scott was offering him. On the one hand, she was happy to leave the boys aboard FAB 2 while she and Parker flew to Bangkok in FAB 1. The yacht had two showers, a fridge full of food, and zero alcohol on board, so they'd be safe and well catered for. On the other hand, it made much more sense for them to return home and recover under the watchful eye of their grandmother.

A quick visual sweep of the quintet revealed that Scott appeared to be the least affected. Despite his red eyes and porcupine hair, he appeared to at least be somewhat aware of his surroundings.

"I'll pilot, don't worry," Scott mumbled, as if somehow reading Penelope's mind, "We'll replace the whiskey and the wine we drank as well. Sorry for the inconvenience. As you can probably tell, we don't get out much, so tend to go a bit bonkers when an opportunity presents itself."

A manicured hand was flicked in dismissal as Penelope began clearing away the empty plates and mugs, "Think nothing of it. As you hostess, it's my duty to absorb all the costs of entertaining you. Just promise me that you'll report in as soon as you're home safely."

Five slurred 'F.A.B's chorused around the kitchen as the Tracy clan hauled themselves to their feet, a few members wobbling a bit more than normal.

Five minutes later…

Penelope and Parker gasped as Thunderbird Two narrowly avoided crashing into Sydney Opera House.

"Don't worry, I think the worst of my double vision has passed," Scott cheerfully announced over the comm, "Thanks again, Lady P. We had a great time."

"The fun's not over yet," Penelope warned, wincing as the green aircraft clipped the top of Sydney Harbour Bridge, "I promised that I would teach you dating etiquette, and that's exactly what I intend to do. Providing you recover swiftly and don't get deployed, I want you to meet Kayo and myself at Sukiyabashi Jiro in Tokyo tomorrow evening at six o'clock sharp. Formal wear is compulsory, as is punctuality. You can tell your brothers that tomorrow's exercise will feature food, so they needn't eat beforehand."

"F.A.B," Scott mumbled, a short but sharp hiccup bisecting his reply, "Uh, guys? What exactly am I looking at?"

"That would be a seaplane," came Virgil's answer.

"Which one am I avoiding?" Scott asked, "The left or the right one?"

John howled, alarm coursing through him as Scott visibly struggled to make a decision, "Out of the way you idiot!"

Scott put up no resistance as the redhead dramatically flung off Kayo's sunglasses and leant over to seize the controls, "Taking evasive action…oh god, I'm going to be sick. Virgil! Open a window. I mean it, I'm going to be sick. Someone count me down."

Penelope tilted her head as Thunderbird Two banked violently to the left, avoiding the seaplane by a sneeze, "Oh dear. Do you think we should follow them?"

Parker meanwhile, was tutting and shaking his head.

"See m'lady? That's why I make sure FAB 1 is equipped with good 'ol fashioned sick bags."