Chapter 13

AN: Welcome back! We have the next chapter in this wacky adventure. Prepare for Gaara shenanigans, Naruto trying to be both 'hip' and hyper, Kakashi being proud, and everyone else attempting to stay out of the madness.

With Tenzo, days before Chunin Exams, Hokage's Office…

Team Seven was not an ordinary squad, not by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, in Tenzo's expert and most humble opinion, Konoha's genin squad Seven was the oddest bunch of lunatics he had the displeasure of observing (read: sanctioned stalking).

First, there was their sensei, a man in his mid twenties who promoted porn to pre-teens while teaching them to kill in…unique ways. This is excluding his rather strange obsession with creating a miniature version of himself without waiting for a biological child to grow up (Kakashi Hatake was never patient enough for dating, never mind raising the perfect mini-me), causing him to break and mold a defenseless child into his image.

Naruto Uzumaki is this child, or rather demon trapped inside an innocent genin's body. No, Tenzo had zero delusions that the boy was the Kyubi just biding its time to unleash, he wasn't that stupid. But any child who willingly broke into ANBU headquarters at five and painted Tenzo's mask bright orange right before an important mission was not a human but instead a monster who takes pleasure in others' pain. Tenzo refused to admit he held a grudge, and instead would point out that Naruto's yearly doctor appointment fiasco and gaining an affinity from lighting supported his claims. Seeing the boy let a Kitsune summons of all creatures lead academy students in worshipping his Biju was just a bonus for his reports.

The other two members of Team Seven were less obvious in their insanity but would qualify for the same cell in a mental hospital as their sensei and youngest teammate. There was Sakura Haruno- a repressed kunoichi who fought an inner battle of being a prim and proper lady in order to marry above her station verses exploring her more…wild desires. Hence her voracious love of 'Icha Icha' and violent temper that topped most ANBU women when a fool stole their chocolate during that week of the month.

Finally, there was Sasuke Uchiha, the only one Tenzo felt the least bit sorry for, not that it changed his assessment. The boy- oh excuse him, the avenger- studied too hard in the academy on subjects he had no business studying. He graduated, was (unfortunately) put in Kakashi's care, and proceeded to stand up for his beliefs of not reading smut. Tenzo had an inkling of respect for this…until the coward gave in after one measly day of Kakashi-senpai's torture. At that moment Tenzo lost the respect, as he himself survived five years of it in ANBU with the man before he was dubbed a 'lost cause'. Surely the 'avenger' could have lasted even a day!

"So to conclude Hokage-sama, I formally request the entirety of Team Seven to be committed to the psych ward for thorough testing." Tenzo plopped down a complete five hundred page packet with his observations color coded by severity and any broken rules (and laws) were properly bolded with an accompanied picture or witness testimony. Tenzo was quite proud of his work, if only his squad would stop sending him odd looks at squad dinners!

"Denied" The Hokage replied in a bored tone and set all of Tenzo's hopes and dreams on fire.

"H-Hokage-sama! I beg of you!" The ANBU captain tried to beg only to be cut off by a glare.

"No, Tenzo; Team Seven is set to rake in millions for us through the chunin exams. I had you watch them, yes, and I originally believed their particular brand of genius crossed into insanity."

"G-genius?! Hokage-sama what they are"

"Are a squad of geniuses- the next Sanin I'd bet! While I disprove of some of Kakashi's unique training methods, and I would be the first to admit their mission to Lightning was a political nightmare, they are technically the strongest contestants we have. Their fights will be bloody, full of sparkles, and enjoyable for the nobles. And to take Naruto's chance to have fun killing off the next generation of enemies would be cruel after he so thoughtfully gave me a reason to arrest my old rival." Hiruzen chuckled, finding his ANBU captain adorable in his ranting. His decision to allow Team Seven into the chunin exams despite reservations were solid, and of course had nothing to do exclusive 'Icha Icha' merchandise being dropped off at his window last week by Pakkun and rather talkative toad.

Tenzo looked at his Hokage with a mixture of fear and awe, mentally promising to up his health insurance coverage and upping his property holdings across the continent. One can never be too prepared when Konoha's copy ninja and 'apprentice to be' were involved. Just ask ANBU agent Flamengo, who lost his entire apartment when Naruto tried to summon the Kyubi to 'share his ramen' two days ago but instead summoned a hundred foxes and pack of puppies.

This of course was by no means the worst incident in the Jinchuuriki's file- that particular honor involved mayonnaise, an escaped S-class criminal, and Konoha's ramen supply.

"I…understand, Hokage-sama." He finally said. His venerable leader just gave a kind smile and shooed him out.

"Oh, and continue to keep an eye on Kakashi, won't you? You never when he'll snap… more than he already has, that it." The Hokage chuckled. As Tenzo walked down the hall, the man who survived two psychopaths found himself wondering if he could survive the particular psychosis known as Kakashi Hatake.

Most likely not.

With Iruka, same time…

"Oh, please Iruka-sama! Just teach us. Teach us your ultimate jutsu." ANBU agent Flamingo cried out in earnest. Said 'Iruka-sama' was just trying to grab his groceries before he spent a satisfying evening grading.

"Eh? You mean my 'Water Style: Water Wall?" Iruka asked while dodging several ANBU members who continued to try and take his groceries from him. One particular ANBU found it prudent to fan the academy chunin as he walked, thoroughly freaking Iruka out.

"No!" Several frantic voiced cried. Snickers of 'that's his best jutsu?!' echoed, only to be silenced by an indigent snort.

"No, no, Iruka-sama; while that is a most…excellent jutsu, we are referring to your ultimate technique, the one that makes you God amongst men! We're talking about 'Academy Super Secret Jutsu: Trouble Maker Tracker'!"

With Naruto…

"Boss, Boss! Teach us how to walk on water!" Konohamaru ran into a tackle hug with Naruto, who was calmly reading the next installment in the glorious ''Icha Icha'' series while Kakashi-sensei went to talk to a medic nin or something.

Naruto honestly couldn't find it in himself to make sense of half the stuff his sensei said, especially when he got a glint in his eye while muttering about the recovery time for eye implants. Sasuke seemed just as disturbed as he was for once; clearly they were on their way to friendship!

"But I just taught you guys tree climbing; can't we just read?"

"Eww, boss we don't like your stupid books! Teach us water walking!" Moegi demanded. Three small masked faces pressed against his own, giving pleading eyes. Naruto sighed, and gave a nod. Then, he brightened.

"I'll teach you water walking- but you have to do a little something for me!" He smirked, though it was hidden by his face mask.

"ANYTHING!" They cheered.

"Oh, alright. I want you…" Faces pressed closer as he leaned back over the bridge, water rushing below him.

"Yes, Boss?" Udon asked.

"It's just a tiny thing." A thoughtful look on his face.

"Anything, we assure you!" Moegi begged, wondering what they would have to do. Would he make them go on a secret mission? Do his paperwork?

"Well if you're suuuure."

"JUST TELL US!" They screamed. All three were worried now for what he demanded.

"Buy me ramen- as much as I can eat!" Instantly the three midgets understood. They would never be able to afford even a ramen snack of their Boss, much less one of his binges.

Of course, they had a… generous 'benefactor'… who could pay up the difference so they could become epic shinobi like their Boss.

"Sure thing, Boss." Konohamaru assured. He then turned and whispered to Udon. "We can sneak into Jiji's vault again, right?"

"I think so; he always makes the passwords the 'Icha Icha' release dates." Udon assured. With that they set off to follow Naruto, who had taken off at an impossible pace towards his favorite place in the entire world: Ichiraku's Ramen.

Or, they would have, if they hadn't literally bumped into a strange shinobi within a block of the ramen stand.

"Well, well, what do we have here? Some Konoha brats who don't know respect." A cat monster with make-up chuckled darkly and lifted Konohamaru up by his scarf.

"Hey! Put me down you cat monster!" He cried. The 'monster' took offense to this and started growling. A girl's voice stopped the hand that rose for a smack.

"Kankuro- put the brat down! We are guests here; don't draw suspicion." A Kunoichi from the same village, Konohamaru realized based on her head band, scolded. Her outfit was strange, with a giant fan on her back and hair that just screamed angry.

"Come on Temari, just a little lesson of a street urchin won't hurt. Nobody would him either, I bet; Konoha always did breed like rats, what's one less brat?"

"No- now set him down before" The one known as Temari was cut off by Naruto arriving.

"HEY! GET AWAY FROM MY MINIONS, SUNA-NIN!" An enraged, red eyed Naruto stood at the end of the side walk, clones already ready. Three of his summons had their teeth bared, thirsting for blood.

"Boss!"

Moments before…

Naruto had reached the place that sold God's gift to mankind in a torrent of dust and shouts. Teuchi had greeted him as always, and Ayame spared him a smile.

"Ah, young Naruto, you're back! I didn't expect you so soon, not after you and your summons paid my bills for the next year a couple of days ago!" Teuchi said even as he prepared his favorite customer's regular; Naruto had been so kind to have his ANBU friend 'Flamingo' (poor sap, really, being named 'Flamingo' of all animals) pay for him and his summons' meals after poor Naruto got scooped up by his sensei for training.

He did wonder why Flamingo flinched every time Teuchi waved at him now; he gave good customer service, right? Ah well, you can't please everyone he supposed.

"Well my minions said they'd treat me to all I can eat if I teach them water walking, so lay them on me!" The masked boy cheered.

Now, here Teuchi had a problem; on one hand, he knew he'd get paid one way or another. On the other hand, he wanted to see the money first considering the source was three nine year olds who liked to sneak around in square boxes.

You could see his hesitance.

"Ah…well, Naruto. Before that, could you maybe bring them here? I wouldn't want them to run out before paying you, you see?"

"Hmm…" Naruto hummed, then gave a very Kakashi-like eye smile. "I gotcha Teuchi! Maa, maa, where are my minions anyways? I could have sworn they were following me!" With a grumbled sigh he left his measly completed twenty bowls, intent on dragging the brats back so he could feast after his long fast of twenty hours. "Summoning jutsu!" He called, summoning Pakkumi, Shi (Shiba's little pup), and Kuro. The three looked happy, though Kuro seemed miffed the puppies were called with him.

"Hey! What's the deal making me, the great Kuro-sama work with the mutts?!" The fox whined. Pakkumi took offense and yipped as she licked her master's hand.

"Kuro-sama be nice! Pakkumi-chan and Shiba-chan need to learn how to track, and Kakashi-sensei says I should summon them constantly to do so!" Naruto said obliviously, completely missing the fact Kakashi wanted him to bond to the pack and forget the foxes (something Kurama wanted to, not that Naruto would notice). "Now, we need to find my minions! Pakkumi, Shi, Kuro- track!"

The three set off at the command, their contract masking their hatred for one another momentarily. They each stiffened at the smells of fear coming from Naruto's minions, and ran faster. Naruto kept along at their pace while his confusion at the urgency caused him to summon clones. Kakashi-sensei always said to flood your enemies and slaughter them mercilessly before asking questions, after all.

What Naruto saw as he turned a corner chilled his blood to ice.

"HEY! GET AWAY FROM MY MINIONS, SUNA-NIN!" An enraged, red eyed Naruto stood at the end of the side walk, clones already ready with kunai. His summons had their teeth bared, thirsting for blood.

"Boss!" The three shouted in relief. How Naruto wanted to kill the… cat monster… who threatened his minions, but the guy dropped Konohamaru in fear, letting them dart behind him.

"N-now hold on! We didn't know they were one of y-yours, okay? Let's just talk this out, our villages are allies right?" The girl who Naruto thought had too much hair, tried to reason. Briefly the Jinchuuriki felt pride at how much he scared them, but the fact that his minions were halted in their mission to feed him a buffet stopped the feeling.

"Yeah, allies." The male said, or at least Naruto thought it was a male.

"Boss, he grabbed me after I bumped into him- I apologized too!" Konohamaru promised. "The girl is Temari, and I think the guy's name is Cat Monster." Naruto gave a soft eye smile and gave a thumbs up.

"Don't worry Kono; I've got this." The masked genin turned towards his enemy. "We're not allies- not when you hurt the Hokage's grandson, Cat Monster." He replied petulantly to the Suna-nin. Cue the indigent squawk from said monster.

"Why you- that's it!"

"You're not going to use Crow, are you?!" Temari warned. He didn't reply, instead letting the bandages unravel much to Naruto's confusion.

"Kuro, run and get Kakashi-sensei" He ordered, and the fox looked indignant. Kuro opened his mouth to argue but was stopped by the arrival of a swirl of sand that morphed into another male.

"Kankuro, Temari." A monotoned voice came from the boy, his hair blood red, smell matching. Pakkumi and Shi quaked so hard they left for home, not that Naruto could blame them; the new guy made even Kurama quiver.

"Oi! I am not 'quivering'. I am preparing to rip my crybaby little brother into a thousand pieces! LET ME OUT! SHUKAKU!" Kurama protested in a scream, making Naruto wince.

'Shukaku? Whose that?'

"Only the most insufferable weakling! He's what you call the Ichibi, and I only find your damn foxes more insufferable!"

Naruto decided that before his furry friend let another rant loose, he'd try a Kakashi-sensei method of stopping it.

'Maa, Maa, you say something?' He mentally eye smiled.

"THAT'S IT FLESHBAG! GET THE HELL IN HERE AND DIE LIKE THE WORTHLESS HUMAN YOU ARE! WHEN I'M FINISHED" The blond cut off the link hastily and focused on the conversation.

"G-Gaara?! Hey, nice day we're having, huh?" The newly named Kankuro greeted.

"Kankuro… shut up before I kill you." There was that monotoned voice again.

"R-right!"

"You… Mother wants you dead." Gaara said aloud. Naruto stared back before deciding the guy needed a hobby.

"Your mother can't have my blood, but I could let her have an 'Icha Icha' book?" Naruto offered, missing the face palm his minions and the other Suna-nin gave.

"Well, we're gonna go now, Boss." Moegi stuttered out, not wanting to see her Boss killed. Dragging along her friends, Moegi ran with the intention of finding help. She just hoped Naruto lasted long enough for said help to survive.

Naruto didn't look at their departure, now intrigued. He pressed on, letting his face lose the demonic chakra.

"In fact, here's a copy for you too- my gift. After all, Kurama says you have the Ichibi, right? Well then, we're family since I hold the Kyubi, and family sticks together. I'm Naruto Uzumaki, future Hokage!" Naruto said bluntly and held out a book. Gaara and the siblings looked on in shock, though for different reasons. "What's your name again?"

Temari and Kankuro were shocked that they actually ran into Konoha's Jinchuuriki, and that the supposedly 'strongest of the nine' was not insane like their baby brother. Kankuro vowed to stay away from the little psycho (because anyone willing to talk to Gaara was a few screws loose) while Temari wanted desperately to interrogate everyone on where Suna went wrong to not get a Jinchuuriki like Naruto Uzumaki.

Gaara, on the other hand, had never had a gift really, especially not one given with a happy aura. He watched, the book carefully, as if ready for gas or explosions to go off. It never did, to his hidden surprise. What confused him more was how happy this boy, this supposed carrier of the Kyubi, was compared to him.

Why did Gaara not get this happiness? He had to know, and killing the boy, this 'Naruto Uzumaki' as he introduced himself, would not give him answers… yet.

"I am… Gaara…" He said tonelessly. Naruto cocked his head to the side, wondering if the boy would take his gift.

"Well then, Gaara, don't you want the book?! It's the BEST, yatta- I mean, maa, maa." A sand trickle cautiously grabbed the offending item.

"Icha… Icha." The Suna Jinchuuriki sounded out. Something in the universe clicked as he (or rather, his sand), opened the novel, reading the first page.

For no longer was Shukaku and him fighting for control. For once they both agreed: they must finish this story.

Kankuro and Temari felt an odd sense of dread mixed with relief. Naruto just continued his novel where he left off.

Later, that evening…

"Maa, my cute little apprentice to be! Don't you want to be just like me? Besides, eye surgery barely hurts!" Kakashi half pleaded, half ordered. He pulled his (future) apprentice, trying to dislodge the boy from his doorway.

"NO! NO HOSPITALS! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" The blond Jinchuuriki screamed before squirming away and running faster than most jonin.

'I've taught him too well' Kakashi thought in pride before remembering that stage three of his Mini-Me plan had to be implemented and let the hunt begin for his ungrateful apprentice to be.

Who didn't want to have eye surgery to get Shisui Uchiha's old eye, and thus becoming copy ninja junior?!

End! It's been awhile, I know- at least for this fic! Anyways, a couple of things.

Should Naruto get the Sharingan, thus completing the Mini-me metamorphosis? Your thoughts please!

First exam next chapter (probably). Expect Naruto basically making Ibiki wish he just retired and moved to Hell in order to escape this dastardly Jinchuuriki.

I have started writing for My Hero Academia this summer! If you're a fan of the series, feel free to check them out and let me know what you think. They were originally posted on A03 so you could find them there as well.

Have a fantastic week,

Riku.

(ps. Join our discord . Shout out to Dragon my beta- may you survive this semester!)

discord .gg / K5C8SYh

(take out the spaces, if you still need help, just PM me and I'll help you out!)