The Blue Pheasant Flies On

Chapter 9: Newbies

Magnolia Town, X778

Kuzan and Erza slowly made their way back to Magnolia Town from their latest job. Kuzan was content to let Erza set the pace of their walk while she excitedly recounted the events of the job despite him being there and having witnessed it first-hand. He didn't mind. It was cute to watch her swing around an imaginary weapon and add sound effects to her story. This had been the first job he had let her complete entirely by herself and she had completed it perfectly, so he was letting her indulge a little. It was practically tradition to exaggerate the events of your adventures to others, after all, they weren't there to know any better. He certainly had after his first pirate battle. The way he told it, there had been four dozen ships armed with at least fifty pirates each and he had managed to destroy every ship and personally slew the captain of each one instead of the two small ships they had ambushed and one man he had killed with a lucky pistol shot after dropping his sword in terror. Of course, after he had eaten his Devil Fruit that was well within his abilities, but back then all he had was a sword and pistol on his hips and a crisp white uniform to his name. If Erza wanted to say that she handily defeated seventy-five vulcans instead of twenty-five then it would hypocritical of him to stop her and he was trying to set a good example.

A fond smile briefly flashed over Kuzan's face as he let Erza's words wash over him. It was nice to see her act like this. He just wished she wouldn't do it when it was only the two of them. Around everyone else in the guild she was still closed off and such a stickler for the rules. Being stronger than most of the kids her age didn't help either. It just made it harder for her to relate to them. The only person stronger than her around her age was Laxus but the teen was too much of a moody asshole to get along with. Every time he thought she was starting to relax around the Fairy Tail kids she would freeze up and retreat back into her shell. Kuzan had never brought it up, but he suspected that Erza had friends with her when she was a slave. Friends who hadn't escaped with her. He didn't want to pry into her past—avoiding hypocrisy again—but he had brought up the subject of moving on without others. She hadn't taken that well, and he quickly dropped the subject.

He had asked Ur to keep an eye on her and to maybe offer a shoulder to cry on since she was far more empathetic than he would ever be and Erza might open up more to a mother figure than a teacher figure. The Ice Mage had readily accepted, but had had an equal amount of luck with her. She had at least made enough progress with Erza for her to let Ur into her life as a maternal figure; letting her do things like showing her how to braid hair and talking to her about similar girl-things that left Kuzan lost, confused, and several hundred jewels poorer, but ended with Erza smiling and laughing along with Ur. The little redhead had even added several things to her closet that weren't made of metal or magic-enhancing cloth. And if Ur got to experience somethings she should have with her own daughter and it erased some of the lines on her face then that was just an added little bonus.

Having to take care of Gray and Lyon during their little outings was something he could do without though. Kuzan swore that he could sew clothes into Gray's skin and the little bastard would still manage to strip himself at the least opportune moment. The amount of times concerned parents had yelled at him for teaching him such perverted things… Gray wasn't even his kid, dammit!

And Lyon was just as much of an asshole as Laxus with twice the moodiness ever since he finally lost to Gray. He didn't hate the kid, but the amount of restraint it was starting to take to keep himself from punting Lyon across town whenever he was a dick to Ur was becoming too much, even for him.

The worst part was watching what it did to Ur.

Lyon was, and technically is, her first student and it was tearing her up inside to see him act like an ass. No matter what method she tried, she just couldn't reach him. Ever since he lost to Gray he had given her the mother of all cold shoulders. Their conversations had devolved into her trying to get him to listen, and him grunting in response and doing whatever he wanted. Kuzan had wanted to smack him upside the head several times for the way he treated Ur, but she had always stayed his hand. Their relation was like a ship with a broken keel; too far gone to fix but not broken enough to sink yet. She was trying her damnedest to fix it, but it was just a lost cause and everyone could see it, even Ur, she was just too stubborn to admit it. All that was coming out of it were long nights staying up with a bottle and her feelings of failure. Ur blamed herself for the whole mess, claimed that it was her faults as a teacher that led to this, when it was clear to Kuzan that Lyon had written her off years ago, ever since that night when he came to him and demanded that he become his teacher.

"Sensei?"

Kuzan snapped out of his thoughts and looked down at Erza's worried face. "Yes, Erza?"

"Is something wrong? You were scowling," she asked with a mix of concern and trepidation. Had she done something wrong? She had been talking for a long time. And she might have been embellishing the fight a little—but only to make it more interesting!

Kuzan relaxed his eyebrows from the scowl he hadn't noticed they formed when he had begun thinking about Lyon. He gave Erza a reassuring smile and reached out to ruffle her hair in the way that made it stick out everywhere that he knew she only pretended to hate. "Of course not. The sun was just in my eyes," he lied. "Now, what did you do about the next vulcan?"

His distraction worked, and Erza launched back into her story with the sound of clinking metal and childish battle cries. Kuzan allowed himself to get caught up in the story. This was supposed to be a happy moment. There would be time for brooding over what to do about Lyon and Erza's difficulties making friends later. Now was a time for stories and stopping at the little ice cream parlor for a double scoop of strawberry for Erza, and a scoop of blueberry for himself.

Once they reached Magnolia Town, however, they were met with a surprising sight. The entire town had shifted to create a straight path leading directly to the guild. Kuzan ran a hand through his hair. "Arara, looks like Gildarts is back in town." Great, now they were going to have to make their way through the maze of condensed buildings to get to the ice cream parlor. He sighed, at least he could spend some time catching up with Gildarts later. The younger man was a good drinking companion as long as he didn't destroy his mug and spill beer everywhere. Or destroy the bar and get them kicked out with an expensive repair bill tacked onto their tab right above a lifetime ban. It was a shame too, he had really liked that bar.

Kuzan finished off the last of his cone right before entering Fairy Tail and massaged his forehead as the brain freeze hit. With the power to turn to ice at his fingertips and a nearly perfect resistance to the cold and he still couldn't stop a brain freeze. There were some serious design flaws with his powers. Behind him, Erza continued to savor her ice cream while wandering over to where the other mages her age had gathered. He let her go with a warning to be careful with her treat, which was honestly more for the benefit of the other kids. He didn't need her getting pissed and wrecking the guild again just because someone bumped into her and made her drop her ice cream again. A quick look around showed a hastily boarded up hole in the back of the guild that let him know that Gildarts must have gone to his house already, so Kuzan made his way over to his and Ur's table and ordered some tea. Ur had taken Gray and Lyon out on a job that was sure to do nothing to relieve the tension between the three, so he had nothing better to do than sit back and hopefully catch up on some sleep. With that thought in mind, Kuzan slid his sleep mask down and let himself drift off.

The sound of shattering wood woke Kuzan up from his nap. He lifted his mask and wasn't surprised to see Gildarts walking through the reopened hole in the back of the guild. The younger man grabbed two beers and made his way over to Kuzan with a big smile on his face. "Hey, old man. Hope I didn't wake you up from your afternoon nap," he said knowing damn well that he had.

Kuzan took the offered drink and checked the clock. Seven-thirty? Three hours was kind of short for a nap, but there wasn't much point in trying to pick up where he left off. The results of that strange dream with him and a giant penguin would forever remain a mystery. "If you didn't want to wake me then you could have used the front door like the rest of us," Kuzan drawled back in reply.

Gildarts just waved him off, "Eh, the hole was already there, doesn't really matter if I open it up again." Kuzan gave him an unconvinced "uh-huh" that Gildarts chose to interpret as agreement. "So what's the big bad Ice Giant been up to these last few weeks? Erza still following you around like a lost puppy?"

Kuzan held up a finger, "One, it's been three months since you were here last."

"Semantics," Gildarts dismissed. "Months are just a broad term for weeks."

"Gods you need a calendar," Kuzan muttered under his breath before raising his second finger. "Two, you don't have any room to talk about lost puppies considering you've got a pair of your own that are always nipping at your heels."

The first time Gildarts had returned to the guild after Ur and Kuzan had joined he had happily taken them out for drinks to catch up on what he had missed and see how they were settling in. Several glasses and a few too many jabs later, Gildarts had been elected to take care of Natsu and Cana while he was there since Kuzan and Ur were too busy playing house with their own "brats" as he called them. The "slightly" inebriated S-Class mage had been more than willing to agree to the challenge and declare that he'll make them strong enough to wipe the floor with Kuzan and Ur's kids. All of them, at the same time! He had also agreed to sign a contract to show them that he was "competey sheariuss" and willing to put his money where his mouth was. Needless to say, the look on Gildarts face the next morning when he read the contract the three of them had signed and exactly how many jewels they were betting would forever hold a special place in Kuzan's heart. And a prominent one in the living rooms of his and Ur's houses in golden picture frames over the fireplaces.

Gildarts had grumbled and cursed at them for taking advantage of a drunken man's ramblings, but had honored the bet and started training Cana and Natsu that day. Granted his version of training seemed to be of a similar vein as Kuzan's, but with less teaching technique and more practical fighting. The two bitched and moaned about it, but Gildarts did take them out to do other things like fishing and shopping. Being semi-responsible for two kids also made him start stopping by the guild more often and taking on less jobs at a time. Now he'd carry them around in a bag on his hip instead of in the sack he used to use.

Gildarts conceded Kuzan's point with a tilt of his head and slight shrug. The older man rolled his eyes and held up his third finger. "Third, she just completed her first solo job—a real one, not the chores we normally send them out on."

"All by herself, huh? Kid's growing up fast. She'll probably make us old timers obsolete in a few years," Gildarts mused. He glanced over to where the kids were goofing around and watched Erza berate Natsu, probably for doing something reckless. She must have been doing it for a while since Natsu hadn't tried to attack him as soon as he walked in. Gildarts returned his attention to Kuzan and gave him a challenging smirk. "Well then, I guess I'll have to take my brats out on more jobs to catch up to your kid, Kuzan."

"My student," Kuzan corrected. She called him Sensei, not Dad. He was her teacher, not her father, despite what everyone in the guild seemed to think. He just let her live in his house, taught her valuable skills and life lessons, and watched over her so that she wouldn't get in trouble. As a teacher. "And you're just going to use them to help you pick up women."

"Hey!" Gildarts protested. "I'll have you know that I don't need a couple of brats to help me get lucky. All I need is my great looks and natural charm."

"I now doubt every story you've ever told me that ended in you sleeping with someone."

Gildarts snorted at Kuzan. "Hahaha. You should look into being a part-time comedian instead of a part-time bum." He told him. A pensive look crossed Gildarts's face. What Kuzan had said had reminded him of something he had noticed before he had left. Something he was really regretting forgetting now that he had remembered. He leaned in a little and motioned for Kuzan to do the same. "Speaking of picking up women, the last time I was out on a job with the kids something funny happened. I was hitting on this hot chick—brunette, chocolate eyes, great rack and a matching ass, with legs for days—"

"Your usual type," Kuzan dryly interrupted. He had settled into position for another one of Gildarts's tales of wooing the various ladies of Earthland; cheek on his fist and eyes half-open. He suspected that he was the only consistent person Gildarts could tell these stories to, and he didn't even do that if Ur was present. The poor, lonely bastard. At least he paid for all the drinks during these stories.

"Shut up." Gildarts shot back. "Anyways, I'm chatting her up and of course I'm with the kids so they come up. Natsu hears his name with those ridiculous dragon ears of his and the two come wandering over to see what we're talking about because they're a couple of nosy little brats."

Almost as if Gildarts had planned it to illustrate his point, Natsu chose that moment to realize that Gildarts was back. He came bounding over to their table with his fist cocked back and a cry of "Gildarts, fight me!" at the sound of his name. Without stopping his story or looking up, Gildarts reached behind his back and grabbed Natsu by the face, pulled him forward over the table, then sent him flipping ass over tin cup into the rafters. He then continued as if nothing had happened.

"So, she does the usual 'oh your kids are so cute' spiel and I explain that I'm their mentor—"

"In the loosest sense of the word."

"—Fuck you, I take great care of them." Natsu fell out of the roof and onto the table with a dull thud. Gildarts stuck a lit match in his mouth and sent him on his way with a pat on the back that launched him across the room. "Like I was saying, I say that I'm their mentor not their father and I see Cana flinch out of the corner of my eye. I'm not talking about a 'ugh, you're so embarrassing' cringe, it was a full on 'that hurt' flinch. So I give her a closer look and there's just so much hurt in her eyes before she blinks and then it's gone."

Kuzan furrowed his brow and sat up. That sounded like it could be serious. "Did you ask her about it?"

Gildarts sighed in frustration. "Yeah. As soon as I got her alone that night I brought her dad up." He dragged his hand down his face at the memory. "I've gotten a better reaction from a husband walking in on me with his wife." He saw the judgmental look on Kuzan's face. "In my defense, I found out she was married the same time that guy found out she was cheating on him with a stranger." Gildarts shook his head. He was getting off track. "So! I backtrack and let her settle down for the night, but that got me thinking about her parents. I know she's an orphan since she was living in the orphanage before I built her and Natsu that house, but I assumed that her parents were dead. What if her dad's actually an asshole that walked out on her and her mom? What should I do about that? Should I try to be her father figure and give her someone to look up to? Would that push her away if I tried?" He thumped his forehead on the table and almost let out a brief burst of magic. Only the knowledge of what Ur and Kuzan would do to him if he destroyed their favorite table lent him enough strength to suppress it.

Kuzan took a sip from his beer as he mulled over Gildarts's dilemma. That was a far more complicated problem than he believed he was qualified to deal with. "I have two questions. One, how the hell did you forget about this until now?"

"Give me a break. We were doing a series of jobs on the way back to the guild and on the next one Natsu almost got eaten by a giant worm thing and the one after that ended in us burning down a forest. Keeping the kids alive seemed a little more important at the time."

That was a fair point, Kuzan would give him that. But that still left his second question. "Two, why ask me? I'm not great at fixing other's personal problems." Erza and Lyon being the two most recent examples, but there had been more when he had been a Marine. Before he had been made an admiral, he had been in charge of his own ship and crew. His solution for those problems had been either send them to the ship doctor or lock them in a room with each other and let them punch it out. That didn't have the best success rate as the seven maimings, four murders, and one awkward time the crewmen had been caught making out could attest to. Gods, he was glad he hadn't waited any longer before checking on them. He would have found them with more than just their shirts off and that was an image he could live without. But he had a sixty-five percent success rate which was more than half and apparently qualified as 'good enough' according to Marines HQ.

Gildarts seemed surprised at his response. "For one, I just remembered it when you brought up using the kids to help me hit on girls—which I don't. And why not you? You've done a great job with raising Erza, so I figure you've got to have some tips I can use. Plus, Ur's raising a couple of boys and I've pretty much got Natsu figured out." The Dragon Slayer wanted to get strong so he could go out and search for Igneel, the dragon who raised him that he considered father. Sure, he had his own abandonment issues from it, but Natsu had a proactive approach to finding him and Gildarts was helping him by training him and keeping an eye peeled and ear to the ground while he was on a solo job for any rumor or sign of a living dragon. Cana's problems seemed like they were going to be a lot harder to solve since she didn't want to talk about them. Plus, you know, Gildarts didn't have any kids so he had no experience with this. But Kuzan had Erza so he had to have some semblance of an idea.

"I haven't made much progress with Erza. She's still clamped up tighter than a giant clam around anyone that isn't me," he argued.

"That's still better than me with Cana." Gildarts pointed out. "Besides, you're starting to go gray. Doesn't that come with some old guy wisdom?"

Kuzan's hand subconsciously rubbed his sideburns. He had taken to shaving more regularly since he started finding silver whiskers. Damn kids were stressing him out. "By that logic you should be talking to Master Makarov," he pointed out.

Gildarts looked at him in confusion before remembering that Kuzan was still pretty new to Fairy Tail. "Oh, yeah, you weren't here when Ivan was still part of the guild." He noticed Kuzan's confusion at the name and elaborated. "Ivan's Master's son. Ten times more of a prick than Laxus and with a bit of a sadistic streak to match. He liked to act real entitled because his dad was the master and pulled a lot of shit. Enough that Makarov eventually had to kick him out." Gildarts grimaced at the memory. "It was really hard on him to do that and he doesn't like to talk about it. Strained his relationship with Laxus too. Kinda of the reason he's such a dick now that I think about it. Anyways, Makarov doesn't like to talk about Ivan so…"

"Best not to bring it up, yeah," Kuzan finished. He leaned back in his chair and sighed again. "I don't know what to tell you. You haven't screwed it up yet, so just keep doing what you're doing, I guess. Just don't bring up her dad or you not being her dad around her. Honestly, Ur'd probably have a better idea of what to do. She did have a daughter."

"Yeah, but that's a pretty painful subject with her." Gildarts matched Kuzan's earlier sigh and finished his drink. "But that's all that I was able to come with too. Ugh, why can't Cana's problems be easy like Natsu's?"

"Everyone's problems can't be fixed with fire and fighting."

"Life would be so much easier if they could though," Gildarts moaned. He signaled for another set of drinks to be brought over and sat back up. "If she won't talk to me about it I can at least check to see if her dad's dead or not. Shouldn't be that hard."

"How do you plan to do that?" Kuzan asked. Partially because he was curious and partially out of obligation. Finding people might have been easier here than in his old world without all the islands scattered across the Blues and the miles of ocean to cover, but that didn't mean much.

"I'll figure out her hometown from the orphanage and work my way backwards from there. If he's dead then he'll be buried in the local cemetery or at least have a gravestone. If he isn't then I'll ask around and see if anyone remembers what he looks like. If that fails, then I'll just ask around for a guy with the last name Alberona. It can't be that common." Gildarts paused for a minute and scratched his chin. "In fact, I think that was my ex's last name. I might pop in and visit her to see if she's got a male relative around the right age if the hometown's a bust."

"That's a conversation I'd love to see." Kuzan lowered his voice and started to (poorly) mimic Gildarts, "Hey, babe, I know we broke up years ago, but I was wondering if you've got any relatives that could have a bastard running around. I adopted his daughter and now I'm hunting him down so I can kick his ass."

"Hahaha. So funny that I forgot how to laugh," Gildarts dully said before flicking a coin through Kuzan's head. "But I do plan on kicking his ass when I find him. Asshole deserves it after bailing on his wife and kid."

"What if it was a one-night stand and he doesn't know about Cana?" Kuzan asked. He was surprised at the scowl that appeared on Gildarts's face.

"Then he should have either done a better job of making sure there wasn't a chance he'd knock up her mom or left a way for her to contact him in case he had," Gildarts said with enough venom in his voice to make Magellan sick. Gildarts's anger loosened his already imperfect control over his magic and he quickly ended up with a destroyed mug in his hand and a wrecked chair under him that left him covered in beer and falling on his ass with a surprised "oof!" Gildarts shook his arms out to try and get some of the beer off of him to no effect and sighed. "Well at least I didn't break the table," he told Kuzan with a lopsided smirk. Fairy Tail's Ace climbed to his feet and rubbed at his bruised butt. "Sorry about that. Have another beer on me while I go and change clothes. When I get back I'll tell you about my job while you kick my ass in darts."

Kuzan raised his mug in acknowledgement. "Sounds like a plan." If Gildarts didn't want to talk about what that was then he wasn't going to ask, but it seemed like his kids weren't the only one with parental abandonment issues.

Ur walked into the guild with her students in tow and gave it a quick onceover. Hole in the back of the wall that hadn't been boarded up yet? Gildarts was here recently, but had left for his house. There were a few new faces playing with Natsu, Cana, and Erza. She'd have to ask Kuzan or Master about them. Speaking of Kuzan, she saw him snoozing at their table. She sent Gray and Lyon off to meet the new kids and hoped that Lyon wouldn't be too standoffish to kids his age that he just met. After reporting the job done to Makarov and paying the Repair Fund Tax, she grabbed a pair of mugs and headed over to Kuzan.

Kuzan sensed Ur approaching and lifted up one corner of his mask. "Do you want to talk about the job or vent about it?" he asked. The distinction between the two was important. One option let him keep the mask on and he only had to make vague noises to indicate that he hadn't fallen asleep when Ur paused for a breath. He liked it when she vented to him. And judging by the fact that she let him keep his mask on, Ur didn't mind that he didn't pay attention, she was probably glad to have someone to talk at.

"The job was fine. Lyon's was a disrespectful little brat, but it wasn't any worse than usual."

"I know what his usual is like. That isn't a good thing, Ur," Kuzan warned her.

"I'm working on it," she reassured him to little effect. She had been "working on it" for almost a year. Her lack of progress was starting to eat at her. "How was Erza's first job? I assume it went well since she's here in one piece and most of your hair is still black."

Kuzan went with the change in subject. "It went well. She tries to hide it, but this was a major confidence boost for her. If you ask her about it then she'll talk your ear off about how dangerous it was and how easily she handled it."

"How many dragons did she slay?" Ur asked with a knowing smile. She still remembered her first job and the bragging that came with it.

"None since Natsu's here. But she has moved up to a small army of vulcans from the original twenty-five.

Ur chuckled. "Nice to see that she's pacing herself." She slid Kuzan's drink across to him and he grabbed it without removing his mask. "Anything interesting happen before I got here?"

Kuzan shrugged. "Not much. Gildarts apparently found out that Cana's dad may have walked out on her and her mom so now he wants to hunt him down and punch his face it." Kuzan looked over at Ur to gauge her reaction, but she was just nodding in agreement. No, wait. She was cracking her knuckles now. Looked like Gildarts would be getting help with his disappearing dad hunting. He'd have to ask Ur to get a video, or at least a picture, of his ex's face when Gildarts showed up to ask her for help. That man and his girlfriends. He probably had an ex in every town from here to Bosco. And some of those towns probably had more than one. "We also got some new brats running around."

"I noticed. The two white haired ones, right? What's their story?" Ur asked. Kuzan hadn't mentioned taking them in so either Gildarts scooped them up or they were supposed to go to her. She hoped that Gildarts had taken responsibility since if she brought in new kids, even if they weren't students, she would bet her bottom jewel that Lyon would finally snap and leave.

Accepting that there wouldn't be a chance for resting his eyes, Kuzan took off his mask before answering. "Kids' parents are dead and the eldest one stopped a demon from attacking a church. Problem was that the three of them use Takeover Magic and three guesses for which kind the big sister uses. First two don't count."

"Satan Soul," Ur said with a sinking feeling. She knew where this was going.

"Yeah. Couldn't suppress it completely, so the town turned on her. They bailed and just started wandering around. Eventually made their way here and Master Makarov explained everything. It took a while for the eldest sister to relax and open up around the guild, but she's gotten better now." And wasn't that an understatement. Calling Mira's true personality temperate would be sugarcoating it. Kuzan needed a drink just thinking about it. "Gildarts is taking care of the three of them. He's actually out shopping for clothes with her right now."

Ur had been wondering where the third sibling was. She only saw two heads of white hair in the guild not counting Makarov's. "Which one is which then?"

Kuzan pointed over to the tanned-skinned boy in a blue suit with short hair that was nervously watching Natsu and Gray fight. Gods, they hadn't even been back for five minutes and those two were already going at it. "The brother is the middle child and his name is Elfman. He's got Takeover: Beast Soul, but he can't seem to get more than just his right arm to transform." Kuzan then pointed at the fair-skinned little girl with the bob cut in a pink dress who was laughing at the two boys' antics. "That's the youngest sister, Lisanna. She uses Takeover: Animal Soul and can go full body."

Ur smiled fondly while watching them. "They're a couple of cuties, aren't they?"

Kuzan grunted noncommittedly. "Elfman's pretty quiet and reserved and Lisanna's a sweet girl. Mirajane has apparently decided that Erza is her rival and that's shaping up to be fun."

"Oh, what's the harm in a little friendly competition? It can't be as bad as Natsu and Gray. Who should KNOCK IT OFF!" she yelled the last part over to where Gray and Natsu had started to bust out their respective magics. Ur took a bit of pleasure in watching them stiffen up and try to hide what they were doing. It was cute that they thought they could pull one over on her.

Kuzan took a carefully measured drink from his mug before saying, "You're right about that."

The door chose that moment to be kicked open by a fair-skinned and white-haired girl about Erza's age who was wearing the most scandalous outfit Ur had ever seen a girl that young wearing. A black crop top that looked more like a sports bra than a shirt, and a skimpy one at that. Black leather short-shorts that barely missed the qualifications for underwear. A pair of thigh high black boots?! And was that a fucking choker around her neck?! Ur almost had a stroke.

"I'm back and ready to kick your tin can ass, Erza!" the girl that could only be Mirajane declared to the entire guild. The more sensible ones used the warning to dive behind the closest sturdy object. Erza didn't even say a word before the two of them were forehead to forehead on a table with their hands pushing against their opponent's as curses Ur certainly didn't remember Erza ever using before spilling out of their mouths as they fought for dominance.

"As you can see, they're much, much worse," Kuzan finished and then took a satisfied drink of his beer. That was quite excellent timing if he said so himself. Haki was such a useful and versatile skill.

Gildarts walked in at a much more subdued pace than his newest charge and made his way over to the Ice Mages. "Hey, Ur, welcome back," he greeted with a brief wave.

Gildarts soon regretted that as his words snapped Ur out of the catatonic state she had been in. Dark eyes burning with a fire that even Natsu would find too hot to handle swung his way and suddenly Gildarts had a pair of icicles less than a millimeter from his eyes and held in a pair of hands that were shaking in anger and making him very uncomfortable. "What the fuck did you buy that child?!" she demanded in a hiss of pure malice that promised a future of freezing pain.

Gildarts wanted to hold up his hands to ward off the incarnation of winter's wrath before him, but refrained out of fear that any movement that wasn't his mouth would lead to Porlyusica needing to whip up a new pair of magic eyes in light blue. "I just paid for the clothes. She's the one that picked them out," he defended in an attempt to convince Ur that this wasn't his fault.

It didn't work. Ur leaned in closer and she was honest-to-god growling at him and it was more terrifying than any monster Gildarts had ever faced. "And where did you take her shopping? A sex shop?!"

Gildarts's eyes darted over to Kuzan, but he was nowhere to be seen. That damned traitor had thrown him to the wolves! Or, the angry Ice Mage as the case may be. He'd have to rely on his wits to get him out of this... He hoped Porlyusica was fast at making eyes. It couldn't be too hard, right?

"Since I'm clearly incompetent when it comes to shopping, why don't I give you my wallet and you can take the Strauss siblings on a shopping trip and get to know them? That's be a nice 'Welcome to Fairy Tail' thing and you'd get to bond with the new kids," he bribed. "Hell, why don't you take all the kids on the trip. A nice big bonding trip. My treat!" Gildarts suggested with a nervous laugh since the first offer didn't get the icicles any further from his eyes and by the Gods was she getting closer?! "You should get yourself something nice too. You work so hard taking care of your kids—students, I meant students! —and you watch over Natsu and Cana while I'm gone, and have I mentioned how much I appreciate that and you? No? Well then consider this a toke of my appreciation. See, I'm just reaching for my wallet here, no need to tense up. Now I'm pulling out my wallet and setting it on the table." Gildarts did just that and put up his hands. "Now that that's out of the way, why don't you go gather up the kids while I make myself scarce so you don't have to keep looking at me? That sound like a good plan? It's a good plan. I'll get started on it right now."

His eminent disabling avoided (for now,) Gildarts made his way through the nearest guild wall and retreated to his house where he'd hunker down for a few days and then start slowly testing Ur's tolerance of his presence. He hoped Kuzan would be willing to smuggle him alcohol from the guild on a favor system. He didn't have his wallet on him at the moment.

Ur watched Gildarts run away from her and let out a loud sigh of frustration. That man! It was like he and Kuzan were trying to make her go gray before forty. She swore to the gods they would run around in nothing more than their underwear if she let them. What the hell was Gildarts thinking letting Mira get those cloths? That she wanted to be a stripper instead of a mage?! She was thirteen for fuck's sake! She picked up Gildarts's wallet from the table and looked around. Everyone who had been cowering from Erza and Mira earlier had vacated the building when she started threatening Gildarts, so the only ones left were the kids and Makarov, and she could sense him hiding out in his office. She made her way over to the kids and noticed that they were all shaking in place. Apparently, they hadn't stayed because they were brave, but because they were too scared to move. Wonderful. Fantastic first impression there, Ur.

It didn't matter. She could salvage this. Ur looked between the three white-haired mages and introduced herself. "Hello, I'm Ur Milkovich, Gray and Lyon's teacher. What're your names?"

Unsurprisingly, Mirajane was the one to introduce them and she only had a bit of a stutter. "M-my name's Mirajane Strauss, but you can call me Mira. These are my siblings: Elfman and Lisanna."

"Well it's nice to meet the three of you," Ur said with a smile. "I'm sorry if that earlier display frightened you, but Gildarts tends to space out and not pay attention to what he's doing so I had to remind him of what isn't appropriate." She shot a meaningful glance at Mira's outfit that the girl noticed. She tried to pull her "shirt" down so that it covered a bit more, but that only caused a vein to pop on Ur's forehead. "To make up for it, I'm taking everyone out on a shopping trip!" The girls perked up at this while the boys groaned. "No complaining," Ur snapped and the boys instantly clammed up. "Tomorrow, Kuzan and I will take you all around town and we can pick out some new clothes that you'd want to wear. You can take as many as you want and then we'll stop for ice cream after, okay?"

The kids all cheered at that and after telling them to be ready at the guild at eight sharp, Ur retired back to her table. She took possession of Kuzan's mug while she waited for him to come slinking back in the guild and she could inform him that he had volunteered to play pack mule and cat herder tomorrow during the shopping trip as punishment for being stupid enough to let Gildarts buy a kid clothes unsupervised and also because she knew he wouldn't see anything wrong with what Gildarts had bought. He had let Erza get a set of armor for her first set of clothes after all.

Ur shook her head in despair. Why was she the only sensible person in this guild?

Omake: Don't Tell Ur

Gildarts grabbed three drinks from the bartender and made his way over to where Natsu and Cana were sitting. He sat down heavily in his seat and placed the mugs down in front of him. "Here we go. One beer for me, one for Cana, and one rum for Natsu." Gildarts handed out the drinks before pulling out one of the many books of matches he had started carrying on his person since taking in Natsu. He tossed it over to Natsu and the Dragon Slayer eagerly struck the match and ignited his drink. "Now, remember the golden rule about drinking this stuff, guys."

Cana waved him off with one hand as she used the other one to empty her mug already. "Yeah, yeah. Don't tell Ur. We'll add it to the list."

Gildarts laughed at Cana's joke. "There's some things you shouldn't tell her, but I think a list is a bit much."

Cana put down her mug and raised an eyebrow at Gildarts in a silent "Really?" that made him pause for a moment and think. There was all the alcohol he bought them when they went out on jobs and…

Gildarts stretched as far as he could to keep the giant worm's mouth open while he held Natsu's scarf in a death grip. Far below them he could still hear Cana throwing her cards at the worm while it thrashed around in anger. Of course, the Dragon Slayer was enjoying himself as he launched fireball after fireball down the beast's throat. "How the hell did I let you talk me into this?" Gildarts groaned in annoyance over Natsu's laughter.

Natsu's attacks finally did something more than cause the worm indigestion as it reared back with a roar of pain and dove headfirst to the ground. Cana let out a high-pitched scream as she dodged out of the way and Gildarts felt his eyes bug out of his head. He managed to get out an "Oh shit!" before they plowed into the dirt.

Cana watch watched the ground in concern for several seconds before it exploded outwards in a burst of dirt and worm parts. A filthy Gildarts climbed out of the new hole in the ground with an equally filthy Natsu in his grip and let out a sigh of relief. He dropped Natsu next to Cana and pointed a finger at both of them. "Don't tell Ur!"

Gildarts carried Natsu and Cana under each arm as he ran through the forest at midnight to keep in front of the raging fire behind them. On the bright side, the fire gave him enough light that he didn't have to run through every tree he came across. He still did, but he did it in precise bursts instead of letting his magic run wild. Over the crackling of the flames he could barely hear Cana yelling at Natsu, "What possessed you to practice a new move in a forest?"

To which Natsu responded, "The fire was going out and nothing was happening, so I got bored."

His decision to never let Natsu keep watch unsupervised again made, Gildarts saw an opening in the trees and put on an extra burst of speed. With no more trees in front of him, Gildarts lightly tossed his charges into the clearing and turned around to face the fire. He reared back a fist imbued with his Crush Magic and sent it forward with a punch. All of the trees behind them were destroyed along with the flames. Gildarts let out a sigh of relief before looking back at Natsu and Cana and grimacing.

The two preteens were covered from head to toe in a mix of ash and mud. All the Gildarts could make out were their eyes and oh boy did they look annoyed. Gildarts awkwardly rubbed the back of his head. "Uh, don't tell Ur about this, okay?"

Gildarts, Natsu, and Cana ditched their paint cans and started running at the sight of an angry looking squad of Rune Knights running towards them, leaving their slanderous messages about the Magic Council's abilities, competence, and personal hygiene written in bright neon paint behind them and only mostly finished. Gildarts led the way with a cry of, "Don't tell Ur!"

The trio were bent over in exhaustion as they sucked down great lungsful of air after outrunning an avalanche Gildarts had accidently set off when he tripped during their hike. "Don't… tell… Ur…!" he gasped out.

Gildarts grimaced at the reminder of all the trouble they tended to get into. He slid his beer across to Cana with a shaky grin. "But you won't tell Ur, right?"

Cana accepted the mug with a smirk. "We won't tell Ur."

A/N: Done. Thanks to my new beta, HonsetBender, and everyone else who volunteered. Also, a big thanks to Kraotop for recommending this fic on TV Tropes. That's it for now, later.