That night was the first he'd discovered Hawke out of bed after midnight.
He never would have known about it if it hadn't been for his own nightmares, leaving him restless and unwilling to remain in his chambers. It was… a difficult thing to come to grips with. Elthina's murderer had been captured. Finally.
Yet… it didn't feel as he had thought it would.
Sebastian would have thought he'd be triumphant, proud, and feel righteous for what he'd accomplished. But after everything that had happened over the past weeks, and everything he'd come to terms with, it just felt… tiring. Like he didn't want this fighting anymore, and it was all pointless.
Now Anders was in his dungeons, and he had no idea what was going to be done with him.
As he usually did, when he was having troubled thoughts and sleep, he went to the chapel. And that was where he found her, on her knees at the front before the statue of Andraste.
It was late. No one else, not even the mother or sisters were still about here. It was dark, as well; only a few candles were lit inside. He could just make out her silhouette. She was wearing her dressing gown, and her wavy hair was flowing freely over her neck and shoulders instead of tied back as it usually was during the day.
It felt surprisingly intimate, watching her like this. Like it wasn't for his eyes. He almost turned and walked away… but he couldn't bring himself to. Not unless she asked him to.
She didn't startle when he sat down beside her, or even open her closed eyes. He had a feeling she knew exactly who he was; no one else would join her in the chapel so deep into the night.
"Couldn't sleep?" He pressed gently.
"No," she sighed. "I couldn't."
He laid a comforting arm around her shoulders, partially to shield her from the night chill. He understood it must have been hard on her to see Anders again. After everything they had been through together, it must have been painful.
It was painful enough for him, and he'd had no love for Anders in the entire time they'd spent together.
She turned her head to rest her temple on his shoulder for a moment, sighing. "I fear I… I haven't been completely honest with you, Sebastian."
"What do you mean?"
"About… Anders," she breathed. "I should tell you… I need to tell you what happened between us."
Sebastian could feel his insides starting to twist. Part of him was horribly curious, but part of him wanted to know nothing of what happened between them. He was worried perhaps their union had been happy until his betrayal. Or worse, that he had treated her poorly.
"Hawke, you… you don't have to-"
"You need to hear it," she insisted. "The night Anders and I… got together… it was the night my mother died."
Sebastian's heart dropped and he bit his tongue. He had already known that, but he didn't want to say how. Not yet, anyway. Coming from him now, it would only sound wrong.
"He was the only one who came to see me, to try and comfort me after her death, and I was just -" she took in a shuddering breath. "I was so lonely. I thought nothing I ever did mattered, that I didn't matter, and he told me he had feelings for me. It made me feel wanted, so I just…"
She didn't need to continue that sentence.
"He wasn't the only one," Sebastian admitted quietly.
Hawke turned in shock. "What?"
"I… I came to see you," he revealed. "The doors were all locked. I picked open one of the windows and slipped inside. Not even Bodahn knew I was there. I just wanted to be sure you were alright. But when I got there, I saw… Anders was kissing you."
Hawke looked chagrined, going red in the dim light. "Oh."
"I should have gotten there faster," he berated himself. "Or said something. Anders took advantage of your grief. I'm sorry I didn't realize it."
"No… We were using each other and I can't really place the blame on him," she responded, tone bitter. "Anders… I don't think he ever truly loved me; only the symbol that I could offer his revolution. In truth, I didn't love him either. I just craved being needed. In a way, we were perfect for each other."
His throat tightened. He wished, more than anything, that he could go back to that moment he'd discovered Hawke and Anders together, and change things. If only to speak up.
Even if it meant taking Anders' place in her arms.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered.
Her response was to pull him into a tight embrace. His cheek pressed against her temple, and he inhaled the scent of her hair as his arms wrapped around her.
"Don't apologize," she told him. "You're here now. That's all that matters."
He didn't manage to get much more sleep that night, but when he did, he dreamed.
But it was less of a dream, and more of a memory. Tonight, he relived the night Hawke's mother was killed.
He remembered how worried about her they all were. Aveline wanted to comfort her. Isabela was so unused to dealing with grief she hoped someone else could help her now, because she couldn't. Fenris wasn't as close to her, but even he knew how terrible the situation was.
Merrill was forbidden from visiting her. They feared she would grow angry if yet another blood mage tried to make her feel better.
All they knew was that they couldn't leave her alone in that empty house.
It was locked tight, and Sebastian was worried Bodahn would be ordered to let no one in. So he picked open a lock on one of the windows on the ground floor, and slipped inside unnoticed.
It was dark when he landed silently inside. The only light was from the fading sunset outside the windows; no candles were lit, and Bodahn and Sandal were nowhere to be seen or heard. They were probably out, or hidden away in their room.
He remembered lighting a match, and hearing a growl before Argos stepped into the dim light, between Sebastian and the rest of the house. But when he smelled that it was only Sebastian and not a burglar, his growl cut off abruptly and his stubby tail wagged.
Sebastian placed a finger to his lips. "Shh, don't tell your Mistress. I just need to make sure she's alright."
Argos obediently trotted out of his way, giving the space to go to her bedroom. The dog was trusting him to help her.
He laid a hand on Argos' head as he passed in thanks. That was all he had time for; Hawke needed him now.
He didn't knock when he reached her bedroom door. He feared she would turn him away, and he needed to check on her. He opened the door as quietly as he could, just enough to peek inside.
As he remembered, Anders was already there, sitting beside Hawke on her bed. His hands were cradling her face the way a lover would, rather than a friend, and Sebastian felt the familiar bitter twist of anger in his chest. Anders had no right to touch her that way.
But instead of playing out the way the true memory had, Sebastian found himself pushing forward into the room, not caring about interrupting. He slammed the door open and strode in, but the moment he did, Anders was gone, and Sebastian was in his place.
His dreaming mind didn't question the sudden change. It was as if it had always been this way - as if it was meant to be like this.
His hands were the ones holding her face now. He was the one comforting her.
This was how it should have been.
Her own hands came up to grip his shoulders. Her grip was tight, desperate, and her eyes were wild with pain as they bored into his. The same look he's seen on her when he'd been forced to pull her away from the scene of her mother's death.
He understood. He knew how it felt to lose a mother so gruesomely, and far too soon.
Her fingers were digging into his arms, almost painfully, but he didn't pull away. He didn't ask for her to stop. He didn't care. She needed this. And he needed to give her what she needed.
And now, Arissa needed love.
Sebastian didn't once stop to think about how it was so easy to give to her.
I WANT TO MAKE THIS CLEAR: Just because Anders and Arissa Hawke didn't truly love each other in a healthy way, that does NOT mean Anders is incapable of love (or that he can't have true love with other Hawkes). That is just how it is for this particular story. I thought I should make that clear for anyone who romanced Anders - this story isn't trying to villainize him. He's not the villain of this story, and hopefully that will be clear soon enough.