this one's been kicking around my drafts folder for ages, and I finally got around to finishing it up.

enjoy!

Clint looked up at the sound of a knock at his door. Natasha was there, leaning casually against the door frame, arms crossed, with a hint of a smile on her face. "Hey."

"Hey," he said, forcing himself to lean back and relax.

"Up for some company?"

Her question surprised him. It had been a long time since she'd felt the need to ask permission to give him some company in medical. Typically, she just showed up and refused to leave when he half-heartedly asked her to. Logically he knew she was giving him the option so he could feel in control of something. Logically he knew she was giving him an out if he didn't want her there. Logically he knew these things. But all he could hear was a small voice in the back of his mind whispering, "she doesn't trust you anymore."

He tried to tamp down the anxiety at the idea of a voice in his mind, even as he wondered if she'd been avoiding him because of the whole mind-control thing. Given her background with the psychological conditioning she'd endured growing up, it made sense that she'd be wary. He could be radioactive, so to speak, and neither of them would know. He couldn't and wouldn't blame her if she was avoiding him because of it.

She raised her eyebrows in a silent prompt, and he realized he hadn't answered her question.

"Like me saying no would stop you," he said, trying for some semblance of their usual banter. She half-smiled and half-smirked at his words.

The voice in the back of his mind whispered "see...she's hesitant" and he studiously tried to ignore it. This was Natasha. It would take more than that to scare her away. And the more he thought about it, the more he realized that the voice in the back of his mind sounded remarkably like his own and nothing like Loki's.

Just my own demons then, he thought bitterly.

"Be happy it wouldn't stop me," she advised as she leaned over slightly, reaching back into the hallway to pick something up before she entered the room, "because I brought you lunch."

His eyes flicked to the box with a familiar logo on the top. "Pizza?"

She nodded. "The shawarma was good, but nothing beats a good slice of pizza, right?"

"Yeah," he said with a nod of his own, accepting the box as she handed it to him. "What's in the bag?" he asked, noticing she was carrying a paper bag as well.

"My lunch," she answered as she took a seat on the chair next to his bed.

"Salad? Really?" he said, wrinkling his nose at her healthy lunch choice.

She just shook her head and shot him a look he knew well. She and Laura had been trying to get him to eat better for years, mostly unsuccessfully. Nat often chastised him that he wouldn't be able to eat like a teenager forever, and while he didn't want to admit it, he knew she was right - he couldn't do greasy pizza every day of the week anymore. Still, it'd been ages since he last had proper good pizza.

He opened the box and couldn't help but smile at the missing slice. "Salad, huh?" he teased as he looked up at her.

"Had to take my tip for delivery," she answered before stabbing her fork into the leafy greens of her salad. He had never been a huge fan of salad, but even he had to admit it looked good. Nuts, bits of apple and strawberries, plus some sort of soft cheese, and some avocado pieces too.

"Well, thanks. Food here's better than regular hospitals but only just."

"Oh, I remember," she replied, shooting him a look. She'd definitely clocked more time in medical than he had over the course of their time working together. That was very much a result of her tending to be closer to the action than his more distant role of back-up sniper, as opposed to any sort of inadequacy on her part.

"How's Karina?" she asked. Karina was the nurse that was usually assigned to her and his care when they were in medical. Clint had always suspected there was a note on both their files that she was one of just a few people in medical they both trusted and therefore wouldn't argue too much with.

"She's good," he answered in between bites of his first slice of pizza. He hadn't been overly hungry when Nat had appeared at his door, but then he'd caught a whiff and his stomach had betrayed him. "She asked after you. Wondered why you weren't here keeping watch and harassing me."

"Someone had to file all the paperwork," she replied dryly, kicking her feet up onto his bed as she leaned back in the chair. "And believe me, there was a lot of it."

"At least take your shoes off first," he grumbled, kicking at her feet with his own.

"No deal. I brought you real food. Least you can do is let me put my feet up."

"You're a pain in my ass, you know that?"

She nodded. "I do."

He shook his head at the smirk she sent his way before taking another bite of her salad. He saw her tense slightly and was puzzled as to why before he realized Karina was at the door.

"Young lady, what's this I hear you came to visit Mr. Barton and didn't say hello?"

Natasha simultaneously sat up a little straighter and yet also shrunk a tiny bit under Karina's gaze and Clint couldn't help his smirk. There were few people who could make Natasha feel guilty about anything, let alone actually shrink under their gaze. Karina was definitely one of them.

"In my defence, I just asked him how you were. And I stopped by at the nurse's station on my way in, but you weren't there."

She chuckled. "I'm just teasin', honey. How are you?"

"I'm good, I'm good. Just bringing this guy some lunch," she said while gesturing at Clint.

"Good. You holding up okay?" Karina asked, fixing Nat with a look that demanded an honest answer.

"Fine," she answered with a dismissive wave of her hand. Clint narrowed his gaze. He'd been told very little of her injuries after the battle, but he knew she'd been through the wringer as much, if not more so than he had. And he hadn't jumped up onto a speeding alien vehicle in mid-air. He still didn't understand how her arm was still firmly attached after that stunt.

Karina held Natasha's gaze for a moment before she nodded once and shifted to look at him. "You're officially cleared, Mr. Barton."

"Really?" he asked in disbelief. He'd been certain they would have wanted to keep an eye on him for much longer given everything.

"Yep. You here to get him outta my hair?" she directed her question to Natasha.

"Yes, ma'am," Nat answered. "If I can convince him, that is," she added dryly.

Clint shot an accusing look to Natasha - siccing Karina on him was dirty pool. Nat clearly had no guilt over doing so though, judging by the smirk she sent him in response.

"Oh, honey," Karina said as she looked at Clint, "you're good to go. No need to fret. We've done about every test there is to verify - no residual effects to worry about."

Clint smiled, though he knew Natasha would see right through it. Probably Karina too, if he was honest. "Thanks. I assume there's paperwork to sign before I can leave?"

"If you're ready to go, I can get it ready for ya."

He nodded, even though he really wasn't sure he wanted to leave just yet. "Might as well."

"You got it. Be back in a bit!"

He waited until Karina's footsteps faded and she was out of earshot until he turned to face Natasha. "That was-"

"Completely unnecessary, I know," she said, cutting him off. "But you're a stubborn asshole who won't listen to medical professionals you trust telling you that you're fine."

"They don't know that Tasha. It was a freaking magical sceptre. You really believe we have tests for that?"

She tilted her head. "Maybe not, but you think I didn't talk to Thor before he left? He explained the little he knew about it to me, and said he was confident we had nothing to worry about."

He blinked a couple times as he absorbed that information. He hadn't known that. "Still- I swear sometimes it feels like he's still in there."

"He's not," she replied confidently. "I saw your eyes, Clint. They were different when you were under his control. When I hit you in the head on the helicarrier, the colouring flickered for a minute when you were lucid. Then when you woke up in medical there I could tell when you were you again. You think I can't tell when my best friend's not himself?"

"I don't want to risk-"

Her eyes flare with an emotion he can't quite place. Anger maybe? Frustration? He saw her gaze flick to the doorway before she began to speak. "You think I would bring you there if I had even a suspicion that it would endanger them?" He knew she would never risk Laura or the kids. He knew if she had to, she'd keep him away. "You're on mandated leave anyway, so you may as well get some quality time with them while you can."

He sighed. "Can we stop at a safehouse for a few days before?"

She shrugged. "Sure, if that's what you need. But you need to call Laura. Today."

He grimaced; he'd been avoiding that. "How much does she know?"

"Not enough," Natasha said pointedly, fixing him with a glare that told him exactly how she felt about him avoiding calling Laura. "She knows you were compromised, and that you're okay now. But I didn't give her any details." The unspoken "it's not my place to tell her" hung heavy in their air between them. Part of him was glad Nat hadn't told her the details, but part of him had hoped Laura already knew everything.

"I'll tell her. Not over the phone though," he promised. At Natasha's glare he hastily added, "I'll call her to check in though. Tell her we'll be coming home in a few days."

"We?" she echoed with an arched eyebrow.

"Tasha," he replied, a plea in his tone. He desperately didn't want to be around them alone until he trusted himself. Surely she knew that…?

"You're fine," she repeated firmly, "but if you need me there, I'm sure I can swing some time off. Not like Fury can really refuse… I did just help save the Earth from aliens," she added dryly.

He smiled appreciatively. He felt better about going home if Natasha would be there. He knew she could take him down and would if she had to.

Then he remembered the footage he'd watched the day before and his smile faded away. Hill had denied his request for the security footage of the attack on the helicarrier, and so had Fury, so he'd managed to get his hands on it himself. It had been hours of footage to go through, so he'd confined his search to that pertaining to Phil and Natasha. When he'd stumbled on the interview with Loki, Clint had felt sick to his stomach. Nat had played the accusations and threats off as a part of her strategy to get him to confess, and to a degree he knew it had been, but her reactions to his comments had been real. She'd schooled her expressions efficiently right after, but prior to that he'd seen the distress.

"I'm sorry, Tasha."

"Clint, it wasn't your fault," she dismissed breezily, though with an undercurrent of strength in her words that cautioned him against his line of thinking.

"Except it was. I saw the footage from your interrogation. I know that he told you that I spilled all your secrets to him." She was quiet and seemingly was content to let him continue. "Everything, Tasha," he emphasized when she didn't say anything, and he didn't see any change in her expression suggesting she might. It had taken years for Natasha to reveal things about herself to him in scraps and moments. He'd worked hard to earn her trust. He'd promised he wouldn't betray her, and yet in a matter of mere moments he had done just that.

"Loki put you in that position," she countered patiently.

"And I told him everything," he said, his expression pained.

"You didn't tell him everything though."

He frowned in confusion. "I saw the footage, Tasha. He knew everything." He stopped himself from listing off the things Loki had mentioned, knowing it would only cause her more pain. They were the darkest parts of her past, the ones that kept her up and that ate at her soul.

She shook her head. "Everything about me, yes, but not everything about your life. I think it was a calculated move by you to reveal my secrets."

"What?" Now she'd lost him.

"Think about it. Laura, Cooper, Lila," she listed, counting them off on her fingers, "he knew nothing about them. He would absolutely have used them as leverage against me if he had. You would have told him how important they were to me. Instead, he played every card he had against me personally."

He stilled. Somehow, in all his worries and anxiety he hadn't considered that he hadn't revealed that part of his life to Loki. Maybe he had fought against Loki's hold and made that choice. But...he'd still betrayed Natasha's trust. Yes, he'd saved his wife and kids, but at the cost of his best friend's secrets and privacy.

"You did that on purpose," she insisted. "You knew revealing me and my secrets was the better play. You kept them safe." Part of him was overjoyed that she was right, and the other part was crestfallen because of how okay she apparently was with it. Natasha had always been a private person, and it had taken a long time to get her to share some of her load with him. But in the blink of an eye, he'd thrown that trust and that promise away. His guilt must have been clear on his face because her gaze hardened even further as she continued. "Clint, this is the best possible outcome given the situation."

He clenched his jaw. "Doesn't make it okay. You deserved… I promised you I wouldn't-" he exhaled harshly. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

She shook her head. "You know how much I care about them. You think I wouldn't have spilled my secrets to save them?"

Her gaze was hard and invited the challenge. He knew she was telling the truth. Nat cared fiercely for her niece and nephew and about Laura. She would have revealed her own secrets if it meant saving them. He knew that. But it still didn't excuse him spilling everything to Loki. "But you should have had a choice in it."

"Maybe," she conceded, "but life is rarely that fair. I'm okay, Clint. We're okay. I don't blame you for any of it. I don't blame you for prioritizing them."

"How are you so okay with this?"

"I spent most of my life under someone else's control. I know a thing or two about being unable to fight the battle you want in any sort of capacity except in small ways. You fought Loki in the ways you could. You kept them safe and missed a clear kill shot on Fury."

His jaw dropped a little as he realized she was right. Fury should be dead. Even with a gun he wouldn't have missed that shot unless he was intentionally trying to.

"Hey, got your paperwork all set here," Karina said as she breezed into the room, breaking the intensity of his and Nat's conversation.

"Thanks," he said, grabbing the clipboard she'd held out for him.

"Oh, you brought him the good stuff, huh?" Karina commented as she spotted the pizza box.

"Only the best for this idiot," Nat declared.

"Hey, you want it? I've already had a couple slices and Nat's got her rabbit food for lunch."

"No, no, it's for you, honey."

"Please," Clint offered. "Least we can do for all the shit from us you put up with."

"Hey," Nat protested. "I was completely well-behaved last time I was here."

Clint smiled and Karina chuckled as she arched an eyebrow. "Uh-huh," she said with a nod.

Nat glared daggers at the two of them. "See if I bring you guys pizza next time."

"Honey, I'm hoping there won't be a next time, okay? I don't wanna see either of you here for at least six months, got it?"

"No promises on my part," Nat replied with a grin. "But he's on medical leave and then taking some long overdue vacation, so he'll probably be able to honour that."

Clint's gaze whipped over to Nat. Vacation too?

"Oh, good for you. You work too hard. And then with all that nasty business in the city last week, you two have earned some time off."

"I think that's all the signatures you need, right?" Clint interrupted, holding out the clipboard.

Karina scans it quickly. "Yeah, you're good to go. Now shoo. And take care of yourselves. Both of you."

"Yes, ma'am," Clint replied with a nod. Natasha nodded but remained quiet.

Karina disappeared out the door and they were left alone again.

"Clint, listen to me," Natasha said quietly, but with an unmistakable firmness in her voice. "None of this was your fault. You know that I understand better than anyone what it's like to have someone mess with your mind and warp your way of looking at things, so believe me when I say it wasn't your fault, okay?"

He held her gaze for a moment and then nodded. "I don't know how you handled this after defecting," he admitted with a shake of his head. He'd always known in theory what she'd fought against to free enough of herself from the conditioning to let him catch up to her. But to experience a taste of it now...to have had your actions dictated by someone else, to have not been in control, to not trust your own mind...how she hadn't gone mad was beyond him.

"I had good people in my corner," she replied with a smile, "and you do too."

He nodded again and she surprised him when she reached over to squeeze his hand with hers in a silent show of support. God, I don't deserve a friend like her he thought to himself as he squeezed her hand in reply.

"Ah, gross. Your hand's all greasy," she said while pulling her hand away.

"Hey, you were the one to bring me pizza."

"And napkins," she countered. "I brought napkins too, don't see you using those."

He chuckled lightly. "Alright, let's get outta here. What safehouse are you thinking?"

"Was thinking of checking on one of my own personal ones," she replied, and his brows rose in surprise. They shared a lot of information about their various safehouses, but he knew she kept a fair few close to the vest too. "I need to make sure Mason is still reliable."

Clint groaned. "Mason? Rick Mason? That jerk?"

"He's not a jerk."

"I don't trust him."

"Since when do you not trust him?"

"I don't know, since whenever."

Nat rolled her eyes. "It's not enough that I trust him?"

"You're friends with me, that's questionable enough already," he joked.

Nat rolled her eyes again. "You want the safehouse or not?"

"Yeah, fine," he grumbled. "Better be nice."

"Just for that I should dump you at one of your safehouses. Or should I say shitholes."

"Hey!"

"Don't sit there and tell me my safehouses aren't infinitely nicer than yours."

He opened his mouth to refute that claim, but then she arched an eyebrow in challenge and he realized she was right. He tended to keep shitty apartments in shitty areas of cities. She had classier places in areas of the city that weren't strictly shitty but weren't exactly the glitzy areas either.

"That's what I thought. Now get dressed," she said, throwing a duffel bag at him.

"Pain. In. My. Ass."

She grinned and winked at him. "But you love me."

"Inexplicably, woman. Inexplicably."

amused by their banter? think Natasha's reasoning is sound? enjoy the chapter?

let me know. always appreciate comments. 😊

more to come...