Chapter 26
Jean lets out a low groan as he finally returns to the land of the living, all though there was very strong pain in his head. He screws his eye shut tightly as he hisses from the sting, his fingers gently reaching the origin of the pain, the familiar feel of bandages meet his finger tips. He relaxes slightly, that signifies that his wound was treated, and if they were treated that means they were all somewhere safe. He gently opens his eyes, seeing that he is in the medical ward of the Survey Corps headquarters.
"Jean?" A voice to his left whispers.
His neck is stiff as he tries to face who had called his name, "Connie?"
The grey haired teen quickly leaps off his chair and scoops his friend in a tight embrace, bringing forth a yelp of pain form the injured soldier. Connie dashes back, cringing. "I'm sorry! I got carried away!"
"You damn right you did!" Jean hisses as he clutches his side. "Did I break anything?"
Connie awkwardly drops his arms, "Just a bad concussion and a lot of bruising all over your body from the rough landing."
"Definitely feels rough." He groans, his torso entirely feels sore as he gingerly turns on the bed to plant his feet on the ground.
He takes a second to breath deeply, wincing when it starts hurting. He begins asking Connie something when he notices the state of his friend. His eyes are puffy and red, as if he's been crying for a long time, the tear streaks evidence of it. He tires to chuckle, "What? You were that worried for me?"
Connie, returns a half hearted smile that isn't convincing in the slightest, making Jean worry as that can only mean one thing. "What happened while I was out? Matter a fact how long have I been out?"
"You were unconscious for a day… And what happened..." His eyes start to water again as his voice cracks, "S-Something bad happened."
"We lost someone didn't we?"
Connie nods his head, trying to keep his tears from falling but failing miserably. Now Jean is almost a second away form freaking out. For Connie to be crying this hard it means it was someone they were close to. "Who was it?" he asks, the desperation strong in his voice.
Connie let's out a small sob, unknowingly causing Jean to start crying as well. Despite his body's protest, and the headache that's worsening by the second thanks to his emotional state, Jean stands and quickly grabs Connie by the shoulders, shaking him so that he focuses. "Connie! Connie! Who was it!"
Sniffling, he replies. "….It was Cal. He-He stayed behind so that we could have a chance to get away!" He devolves into a sob, leaning onto his friend who's struggling to keep himself upright, hyperventilating.
"No… No… He can't, he can't be!" He makes Connie look at him as he yells into his face, "He can't be!"
Connie, silently sniffles, "He's gone."
"NO! DON'T SAY THAT! We.. (Hic) We gotta go back!"
"We can't! Jean!" Connie screams, brokenhearted, "titans were on us, he-He let himself be bait so we had a chance to escape. So we can be safe."
Jean's knees buckles and he falls to the floor, unable to stop himself from crying his heart out. Connie drops down with him, joining in their cries together.
Jean croaks, "I-I didn't get to say goodbye." Again.
Eren wordlessly flips the page in the journal. Calian's journal. He still doesn't want to believe it. The tall teen had such a huge presence in more ways than just his size. He was like a safety net for all of them. Always giving them a gift, be it some material thing or just a word of comfort or advice. Many nights when he was too angry to go to sleep, Calian would be there ready to talk or even just to help him get a few more hours of training to let out all the steam they both built up. Even when he found out of Reiner and Bertholdt's betrayal, a part of him could never doubt Calian, could never believe he would betray him. He knew he could always count on him. But now, he can't anymore.
He hears two sets of footsteps near him, he knows whot hey belong to. He meets the sad gaze of Mikasa, nearly breaking down once again. She hesitantly holds out her hand and Eren, knowing what she wants, gives her the journal, his other hand enclosing hers and giving it a gentle and supportive squeeze. A small smile momentarily lights up her face, making his heart flutter until, to his dismay, the sad look encompasses her expression once more.
She hums as she looks at the pages. The detailed descriptions of their and life as cadets. His sincere thoughts and feelings for everyone. And his impeccable artistic skills in drawing. She smiles sadly when she flips to a page with all 4 of them, their faces smiling with no worry or care in the world.
"He had a talent." She comments.
Eren nods glumly, "You know I always thought that if anything ever happened to me, to any of us, he'd always be the one to make it out. I always imagined him being the one to take back our homes if we couldn't make it." He sniffles, his fists tightening and he hits the table, his skin splitting from the impact.
Mikasa quickly grabs his hand, wiping off the splinters. Steam start to billow, signifying his healing. "Eren!"
"It's my fault." He begins to cry, "He died for me! He died because I was stupid enough to let myself get caught! Him and Hannes they died because I'm still so weak and useless!" he shouts.
Mikasa holds his hand, pleadingly. Wishing she could say something to convince otherwise.
"You're wrong."
The two stare at Armin in confusion, until they see his wet and guilt ridden face.
Armin let's out a shuddering breath, "I made him think he was a monster. I made him think that he fought for himself. He-He died proving me wrong. It was my fault. He died believing that I thought he was an animal."
"Armin…"
"IT SHOULD'VE BEEN ME!" he yells.
Their heartbreak causes them all to huddle in a group hug, trying to comfort each other. Mikasa doesn't say anything, not wanting to add to the emotional turmoil the two are in, but she's crying inside. Though her heart belongs to Eren, she won't deny that she holds a familial love for Calian. The young man had always been a good friend to the group, but she truly started to feel more when he discovered his strength. She never told anyone, but when he shared his experience with her and their similarities, a part of her hoped that there was a chance however small it may be, that they were family. True, she always had Carla and Grisha were like a second pair of parents for her and she still had Eren and Armin. But it was different. Losing her Mother and father left her with a unique sense of loneliness. One that Calian was able to ease. And now, it was like losing that family all over again. It happened again.
The normally jovial air of the tavern has been replaced for somber one, filled with grief. Eld sat with the Titan research squad, all of whom are silent, the only noise they make is the small sips of their ale. Eld watches the bubbles pop as they reach the surface of the liquid. He shakes his head, "It ain't right."
"When is it ever?" Nifa replies, sniffing sadly.
Eld concedes that that's a good point. Life of the survey corp, that's what I told him right? Feel like a piece of shit for saying that now. "You're right, still hate it. He was so young."
"They always are. The ones that go." Rashad says, taking a bigger gulp of his drink.
Moblit let's out a humorless snort as he finishes his pint and orders another, "Look at us, we see death everyday, you'd think we'd be used to it by now."
Laude shrugs, "I like to think that the reason it still affects us is cause we still have a soul."
Moblit stares at his pint sadly, "Sometimes wish I didn't so I don't have to feel this all the time."
Eld raises an eyebrow, "you really cared for him huh?"
Moblit smirks, thinking of the times he had with Calian, however short it was. "You know it and I know it, that kid sure knew how to get to your heart. I swear, only knew him for a couple months and yet feels like it was a lifetime."
"He saved me you know? Me and Gunther. If it hadn't been for him, Gunther and I would've left behind widows. I owed him my life, and what I do? Pushed him to his death." The Levi squad member confesses. He chugs his ale down, wishing it could stifle the guilt he felt.
"How's section Commander taking it?" Eld asks.
Moblit gulps his drink, barely flinching at the way it burned his throat. "Not good. Spent the better part of an hour trying to convince Erwin to allow her to lead a search party to find him. He refused. I don't blame him. We lose many people every time we leave the walls. And with a majority of them being Military police it's a miracle he isn't being court martialed right now."
Eld glares at the space in front of him. Of course, he thinks bitterly, they give less a damn when we lose any of our own but take swift action when it's their asses on the line.
"Fuckers."
Varying noises of agreement arise from the table. A waitress then appears carrying a new round of drinks for them to their surprise. "We didn't make another order?" Nifa tells her.
Waitress nods towards the bar, "He didn't want me to say, but this rounds on him."
Eld checks the bar and sees a red eyed Gunther glaring into a shot glass. Poor guy was already taking it bad enough with the death of Oluo and Petra, now he fears Gunther may end up drowning in sorrows. Hell, I think we'll all be doing that at least for tonight.
Levi stands before the door to the lab. He knows there's only one occupant in there, there always is whenever the Scouts return from a mission. He knows Hanje, probably better than anyone else in the Scouts. She always hides behind a carefree and fearless mask, one that can successfully trick others into thinking that she's taking everything in stride meanwhile she bottles all those emotions down until she can't hold it anymore. In those times she seeks refuge in the lab on her own to let it all out.
When he had originally joined the Scouts, when he… lost Isabel and Farlan, it drove him insane when he saw how unaffected she was. Yes she did console him in her own quirky ways and tried to comfort him as much as he let her. But she looked like it was just another day. And it angered him to near insanity. It came to a head hen they returned from a particularly brutal mission, where she lost half of her squad. She was still acting as she always had, talking non stop about titans and her research. Levi can't explain why he broke that night, but nonetheless he found himself marching through the halls and kicking down the door to the lab… only to find her sobbing. It was then that he realized that, loathe he is to admit it, he and Hanje shared some similarities. Namely, never wanting to show their pain in front of others.
He didn't say much, he never does. But he stayed. Let her cry on his shoulder until she finally fell asleep. Next morning she woke up and acted like nothing happened and he was alright with that, feeling to awkward to even begin having that conversation. But he didn't know then, they had started a routine. Whenever either one was feeling overwhelmed, they sought each other, just each other to cry, or vent (mostly her doing the venting) or just staying in the same room so they won't feel so alone in the world. Eventually they did talk about it and agreed to continue supporting each other in that way.
Which is why he finds himself here again. He stares at the teacup in hand. It was special, because it turns out, his squad, Oluo and Petra and Gunther and Eld, worked with Calian to figure out a gift to give him to show how they appreciated him. Gunther gave it to him before he left to drink himself into unconsciousness, saying that of all people, Calian was the one who came up with the idea for the gift. It was a fine teacup set, very expensive and one normally used in the inner most center of Wall Sina. Somehow, the brat swindled it from a rich snob in a game of poker, along with a few bars of gold. Hh, brat was always full of surprises wasn't he?
Still, it was the last gift he received from those who have since left. The thought makes him cradle the cup carefully, like as if it was more valuable than gold. He opens the door, it's always unlocked for him. Hunched over the table as always was Hanje. Her glasses were on the table to her right, a pen in hand but it lay limply on her fingers. He could see the slight shakes in her shoulders, letting him know that she's still crying.
He soundlessly places the tea beside her and she tries her best to grin. "Did you add sugar this time?"
"Tch, you know it ruins the taste."
"How many times do I have to remind you, that you're the only one who enjoys it bitter." She replies.
He rolls his eyes, "That's cause I know how to enjoy tea the way it was meant to."
She hums and takes a sip of the warm liquid, "Wonder if we'll be able to enjoy life the way it was meant to be enjoyed."
"Han-"
"Levi." She struggles to find the words, "Did you know that when we had Sawney and Bean, Sawney got lose and almost ate nifa?"
Levi glares in alarm, "What?!"
She chuckles, "Yea, whoops right?"
"Four eyes." He says in a warning tone.
"Come on Levi you've seen her since, she's fine… Thanks to Cal. He got her out the way just in time. I made sure she was ok."
"How responsible of you." He comments sarcastically.
Ignoring him, she continues, "I don't why, but I felt the need to explain to Cal that, I did care. I did care for everyone's life when it comes to my research. Maybe it was how alarmed he looked, maybe it was the adrenaline but, I didn't want him to think that I was careless for everyone else. I do all this," She gestures to the lab, "Cause I want help everyone, save who I can. I-I care about humanity and I wanted him to know that." She gives the Captain an sad and guilty look. "He had to know that right?" Her voice cracks at the end.
Levi wishes he was a man of words. He curses his upbringing, with how unforgiving it was he had to learn how to bury his emotions, to appear stoic. But now when he wants to express it, when he wants to connect to others, he finds it next to impossible. He's always been so envious of Erwin and Hanje and even his own squadmates like Eld for having charisma and so easily boosting morale with just a few words. He wishes he could provide that. Instead what he says is, "You're a bigger idiot than I thought if you gotta ask a stupid ass question like that."
Hanje stares at him for a second before breaking out into her insane cackle, good she figured out what I was trying to say. She wipes a tear from her eye as she slowly reduces her laughter into scattered giggles. "You really got a way with words don't you Captain?"
"Just shut up and drink your tea before it gets cold."
Giggling still, she does as she's told, once again finding comfort in bitter drink. They sit in comfortable silence for a while, both just happy to not be alone. Then Hanje decides to ask, "How're you taking it Levi?"
"Same as always."
She gives him a concerned look and places a comforting hand on his. Years ago, he'd have smacked her roughly for even getting near him, but now, he welcomes the warm gesture. "You're not as good at hiding your pain as you think you are. It's ok for you to admit it hurts."
That did it. Somehow, she finds a way past his walls, tearing them down. He struggles t keep his face passive but is unable to stop a single tear from falling. With a heavy sigh, he locks eyes with her and says, "I didn't get to save his patch."
Sasha stares at the plate of food in front of her. For the first time in her life, she's not hungry. She has no appetite for anything really. Not to eat or drink. Sleep never came and even if it did, she doesn't think she'll find any comfort in it at all because everytime she closed her eyes, the scene of Calian fighting the titans all by himself plays out like as if she's experiencing it all over again. IT wasn't fair! It took so long for them to get together, for them tog et over the fear of losing each other, just to end up losing him anyway. People always try to say that when joining the scouts it's better to not have attachments but they did anyway. Maybe it was stupid of her. Because she was naïve enough to think that with how much they loved each other, that pureness that good ness, would be enough to make the cruel world show mercy just once. Shows what I know. She spent the entire ride back and rest of the night screaming and crying for all she was worth. Her pillow was soaked with her tears, her throat is still sore form her cries but she couldn't find it in herself to care. The agony her heart is going through numbs her to the world at large. She misses him so much, she misses his laugh, the deep rumble in his chest whenever she has her ear pressed to it as he talks. She'd give anything to hear it again, to feel him again. She'd give anything to tell him she loves him.
That's what hurts her the most. In his final moments with her, she didn't have the strength to tell him she loves him, she couldn't even give him that last gift before he was gone. She pushes the plate away and let's herself cry alone in the middle of the mess hall. Some time passes before she's startled out of her stupor by a knock on the table. She jumps but relaxes when she sees Gunther of all people standing in front of her. She wipes her nose and sniffles, looking down glumly. He sits in front fo her, a bottle in hand. He takes a long gulp from the bottle and places it back onto the table, the cold condensation causes a small droplet to wet the wooden surface.
He rubs his chin, his eyes still red. "You know, when Pixis and Nile gave the run of the mill eulogy for 'the fallen soldiers' in Erwin's stead, they said his name. Some the soldiers there they bowed their heads and said their respects… it made me angry." He scowled. "They didn't know him, they didn't have a right to be sad."
She huffs angrily, they really didn't. They didn't know him like she did, they didn't love him like she did. They weren't loved by him, like she was.
"But when I thought about it, it sort of soothed me I guess. Him being remembered. It made me hope that this wasn't for fucking nothing."
Fresh tears fall, "It doesn't soothe me. He's gone and I'm here and hurts. It hurts so bad and I don't want it to hurt! I wish he didn't go or-or-or that it was me instead!"
"Hey, come on stow that talk." His voice was barely over a whisper. "Listen to me. Before our fight with the Female titan, he was staring at a picture he drew of you. He told me you were his girlfriend and I asked him, if he was sure that he wanted to be with you. And you know what he told me?"
She shakes her head and he answers, "He told me, ' I'd rather die knowing I didn't waste the time I had with her.'"
She smiles, tears falling at the same time. "Wow, even dead, he still knows how to make me blush." She tries to joke.
"Heh, yea. Look, he wasn't perfect, hell none of us are. But he truly loved you. I mean it. He loved you and I may not have known him for as long as you did, but I think I know him well enough to say that he wouldn't have done what he did if he didn't know that you'd be here after he was gone."
She hugs herself, "I just wish I told him I loved him."
He sighs, "He knew. Trust me. He knew."
Sitting in his bed and still recovering is Erwin Smith. To his right is Levi, sitting crosslegged on a chair but relaxed. And to his left is Dot Pixis, sitting in a chair of his own but leaning closer to Erwin. The trio hear a knock on the door, but Levi is already familiar with it and announces, "Hanje. Come in!"
The door opens and Hanje walks in with Connie following her. The pair salute as Hanje begins, "Pardon the intrusion, Erwin. Commander Pixis. Glad we caught you."
Connie shuts the door behind him and stands beside the Section Commander, a haunted look in his eyes that unnerves the three present. "This is… state your name."
"Sir! Connie Springer, Sir! Hundred and fourth cadet corps!"
Hanje assumes control of the conversation again, "Connie here is originally from Ragako."
The name is recognized by the three present, all of them feeling pity for the young teen. "Ah yes. Where the invasion seems to have begun, correct?"
"yes Sir. In fact, he's corroborated a valuable piece of evidence in that regard. I think you'll find his story supports our hypothesis." She gestures to connie, "Soldier if you would?"
His hold on the family portrait in his left hand tightens as he shakily brings it into view. "W-When I first got to Ragako, it was a ghost town. There was no one there. It was demolished bu, there was no blod, no titan vomit. Nothing. I-I hoped that meant that they all got away. But when I got to my hosue… there was a titan there. And-And I couldn't shake the feeling that, the titan looked familiar."
He shakily holds the picture, gazing at the woman. "It's because I was right. I don't know how, but the titan… the titan was my mother."
The three share looks of disbelief as Hanje takes over, "I corroborated the theory myself. The titan holds key similarities to Connie's mother. As well as the fact that the titan has a massive body but with legs that look like they're experiencing hypertrophy, making it unable to lift itself let alone walk. So logically speaking, it'd be impossible for it to have made it to the house on its own. What solidified it was when Connie notified me that, same as the titan, his mother had lame legs, making her unable to walk."
Shocked beyond belief, Pixis summarizes, "You're saying the titans responsible fort his were the citizens of Ragako?"
Erwin stares at his feet, "I see. So, in actuality, Titans are human beings."
Even Levi is unable to hide the haunted expression he's now wearing, seemingly aging his otherwise youthful face. "Great. Perfect. I've spent all this time. All this energy. And the things I've been carving through like carrion… were people."
Hanje is aware that Levi is reliving the guilt and trauma of his otherwise less than innocent past and tries her best to assuage his guilt without overlooking the facts of the matter. "Look we don't know for a certainty."
He glares, "Weren't you the one who always said, "once you've eliminated the impossible. Whatever remains, however improbable… must be the truth."
Hanje looks away, she knows that it's a lost cause at this point. Excusing herself she and Connie make their leave. As they exit the building she hears Connie sniffling as he stares at the photo. "Connie?"
"S-Sorry. It's just-it's just, it sucks. First Reiner and bertholdt betraying us. Then we lose Calian, and now it turns out everyone I know has been turned into a titan and are dead now and the only one left is my mom, who's still a titan and probably doesn't even recognize me."
Hanje sighs, feeling pity for the teen. He's gone through so much and is still going through it. "I can't promise that we'll find a way to help your mother. But I can promise that we'll get justice for her."
Moblit stares at the cracks on the wall, the very cracks that were formed when Bertholdt hoover transformed into the Colossal titan and his ribs pierced the once believed to be unbreakable wall. "what a mess this is."
Why is he here again with the titan Research Squad? Hanje wants them to collect pieces of the wall so that she may compare it to the once collected from when annie' had tried to escape Stohess in her Titan form as well as the crystals made from her crystallization. She's hoping to confirm that the walls were made from the same a meterial as these titans and, since Bertholdt was able to break it using his titan form, find some weakness they can exploit. She also told them to collect any pieces of the Armor from Reiner's titan form if there's some that has not dissolved. If they do find it then they can use it to create a weapon that may be able to pierce its armor, maybe even kill it.
He shakes his head as he surveys the scene. It's still as they left it, broken materials all over, burn marks from when they lightning struck during their transformation. He stepped towards the edge, looking down to where the Colossal titan had fallen. The devastation is still there, a 100 meter wide radius of flattened land, scorched beyond restoration. He was weakened then too. I'm terrified to find out what damage he could do at full strength, would there be anything left?
He shudders at the thought and is about to walk away when he notices something coming through the forest. At first he thought it may be a 3 meter titan but, this figure was wearing something. "Laude, lend me your binoculars."
Handing it to him, Laude watches Moblit's jaw drops and whispering, "Oh my god."
He swears he's never seen Moblit look so serious or hysterical as he orders, "GET A MEDIC HERE NOW! AND GET THE WAGON READY!"
Moblit tosses the binoculars back to Laude and jumps down the wall recklessly. Wondering what has him so wound up, he uses the binoculars and is completely stunned by what he sees and follows Moblit. The Vice commander lands to the ground a bit too roughly but couldn't care less as he full on sprints to the figure who drops to his knees once within arms reach. The rest of the squad are there, all with varying states of shock. Moblit's hands are shaky as he pulls down the hood.
"It's.. it's impossible."
"There's no way."
They all same roughly the same thing, but clearly they're wrong. Moblit tries to crack a smile, tears threatening to fall as he places a gentle hand on the young man's shoulder. "What'd I say about playing the hero huh?"
Calian tiredly grins, "Sorry Mob', just couldn't help myself."
Small sobs escape Moblit's throat as scolds him half-heartedly, "Next time you stick with us got it?" his voice cracking through out.
Calian strains to laugh, unable to find energy to return the hug, "Don't gotta tell me twice."
The squad all swarm Calian, in varying states of disbelief but namely relief. Because against all odds, Calian survived. He came back. He's home.
Authors note: Prodigal son returns! I know i didn't add Krista's reaction in here but that's cause i'm saving it for a conversation they'll have later on when they're recuperating. Next chapter we're gonna see everyone's reaction to the return of the hero as well as Calian's recounting of his survival and journey back. that'll lead into the time they're gonna be spending in hiding, which i'm gonna use to expand on a lot of things that'll set up the changes i'll be making.
Also quick thing, I reccomend everyone to read Attack on Titan: Wings of Our Dreams by Super Comrade. It's a great read with a very good and nuanced character that has very unique and organic relationship building between characters!
Also one more thing, I've been thinking a lot about it and if i were to put a voice to Calian, I'd honestly go with Arthur Morgan from Red Dead Redemption 2. Yea he has a'older' sounding voice but i think it fits calian the most especially cause as time goes on i realize that the character of Arthur Morgan is what influences Calian's personality the msot for me. Especially with the struggles he has and will have as time goes on. Let me know what ya'll think. Anyway till next time guys and stay tuned!