Chapter 126: Awkward…

Once Zak and I sat on the bench, we ended up sitting in an uncomfortable, awkward silence again. This had been the closest to him I had been in a week, and my heart felt like it would burst out of my chest.

I suddenly found myself extremely frightened.

What if Zak had decided to end our relationship himself? Maybe he had come to the same conclusion that I had been thinking about for a week – that he could find another woman who could fulfill all his needs now, instead of waiting.

Surely he wouldn't break up with me right before a lockdown…right?

Although with the way I had been basically ignoring him the past week, I couldn't exactly blame him if he did break up with me. This sudden feeling of fear made me realize that I really didn't want our relationship to end, but I still couldn't help but feel like I was being selfish.

Just when I thought I would scream from the silence, my thoughts, and the fear, Zak finally spoke.

"I um…I know you said you needed space," Zak began, and then turned his head to look at me. "I've been doing my best to respect that…but, I just needed to see you…" Zak added.

"You have been respectful, I appreciate it, Zak…" I said softly. "It's been difficult for me too…" I added, not wanting him to think that I had been having an easy week being away from him.

Zak smiled a bit and then looked serious again.

"I just wanted to apologize again, in person," Zak said softly. "I'm really, really sorry. I never meant what I said, and if there was some way to turn back time and take it back, I would in a heartbeat," Zak added.

I could feel a part of me wanting to throw my arms around him and just "kiss and make up", but I knew it couldn't be that easy.

"I know…I'm not hurt anymore, at least, not as much as I was…" I replied softly.

Zak frowned.

"I never meant-" Zak started, but I cut him off.

"I know you didn't mean to hurt me," I replied. "I know you're probably wondering why I need the space…" I added.

Zak simply nodded in response.

I took a deep breath before I spoke.

"I'm confused about what to think…I know deep down you didn't mean to hurt me, and you've said you didn't mean what you said…but I can't help but wonder…" I trailed off, wondering if maybe this was a bad time to be talking about this.

"Wonder what…?" Zak asked softly.

"…if…maybe a small part of you did mean it…because maybe it was a thought that was on your mind…whether you realized it or not…" I replied quietly.

Zak closed his eyes, pulled one hand out of his jacket pocket, and rubbed his forehead a bit. He didn't look mad, he looked upset.

"I really…don't want to believe that I had that thought cross my mind…but I understand why you'd think that," Zak replied quietly, then looked at me again. "If it was some kind of subconscious thought, it's not how I really feel, it's just…sexual frustration…" Zak added.

I felt my face flush at his last two words, but did my best to compose myself.

"I want to believe you…but I can't help thinking…" I started, but then stopped, hearing my voice crack.

Zak frowned.

"Tell me…" Zak replied softly.

It took me a few seconds before I could gather my courage to speak the words.

"I can't help but think…how easy it would be for you, to find another woman who could fulfill all your needs now, and-" I started, but Zak cut me off.

"I don't want another woman, Ali," Zak said, reaching up with his gloved hand and gently turned my head to make me look at him, and our eyes met. Even though his fingertips were cold from the winter weather, his touch made my skin feel warm. "I know it's only been a short time…but having you in my life these past six months…you've improved my life in ways you don't even know. I will wait. I'll handle the moments of frustration better, and it doesn't matter to me how long it might be…I will wait for you to be ready," Zak said, looking into my eyes the entire time.

I felt my heart racing as I looked back into his eyes. I knew he was being completely open and honest, and I felt the exact same way about having him in my life. But I couldn't shake the nagging thought that kept popping into my mind.

He can do better than me.

With tears in my eyes, I slowly reached up and gently took his hand in mine, and pulled it down away from my face.

"Ali…" Zak said quietly, looking pained.

"Zak…you've improved my life in so many ways too, ways I never thought would change," I said softly, as I looked at him, the tears still in my eyes. "But I feel like I'm being selfish…asking you to wait for something I don't know when I'll be ready for…" I added.

"You're not being selfish. You told me about being a virgin before we even started dating. It doesn't matter to me Ali, I will wait-" Zak started, but I cut him off.

"What if I want to stick to the original vow I made for myself? To wait until marriage?" I asked quietly.

Zak looked completely dumbstruck, and at a loss of words.

"I know we've only been dating a short time, and I'm not in any way saying I'm looking for a proposal right now, I'm not ready for that either," I quickly explained, not wanting him to freak out. "But…I know…from looking into your past…that you don't seem like the type that wants to get married…" I added quietly.

Zak was silent for moment or two, and then he spoke.

"I…you're right…I never really imagined myself getting married…" Zak said.

I felt my heart stop, a lump form in my throat, and tears well up in my eyes again.

"But…my thoughts on marriage have started to change…" Zak said, looking at me seriously.

"Really…?" I asked quietly, barely able to form words.

"Really…" Zak said softly. "Maybe…I just hadn't met a woman I could picture the rest of my life with…until now…" Zak said softly, and I suddenly felt him squeeze my hand – I hadn't realized I hadn't let go of his hand when I lowered it from my face.

I felt my heart racing once again and couldn't help but smile, but my inner negativity demon was working over time since our fight.

He deserves better…

"I'm…really happy, to hear that, but…" I replied softly.

"But…?" Zak asked, looking nervous.

"Zak…" I started, and then I lost it, tears started to slowly fall down my cheeks. "This past week, I feel like I'm being a horrible person, that I'm being selfish, that I'm being unfair to you…" I rambled.

"Doll, you're not," Zak said seriously, reaching up with his hand and gently wiping my tears away. "I understand and respect your choice. I'm the horrible and selfish person for saying what I said," Zak said honestly.

I felt my heart skip a beat when he called me "Doll", and then felt like I would melt when he wiped my tears away. But as I looked at his sweet, handsome face, my thoughts just kept flooding my mind, over and over.

I forced myself to pull back from his touch.

"I can't Zak…I can't do this," I barely managed to speak as I stood up.

Before I could take one step, as to be expected, Zak grabbed my hand as he stood up.

"Ali, wait, please-" Zak started, but I cut him off.

"No, Zak," I said, looking up at him with tears slowly rolling down my cheeks. "I can't stand these thoughts, I feel like I'm punishing you!" I cried, and then pulled my hand back.

"Ali…" Zak said, his eyes looked like they were welling up with tears themselves.

"Zak…I'm trying. I'm really trying not to be like the old me…the insecure woman who let my thoughts control my life. But…I have to be honest…what happens in a few months time, and this frustration kicks in for you again?" I asked quietly.

"It won't happen again…" Zak said, but I could tell even he was second guessing his words.

"You don't know that…" I said softly. "You're a human being with needs, like everyone else…and right now I feel like I'm not that person for you…and that hurts more than what you said…" I said quietly, trying to fight back tears from welling up in my eyes.

"Ali, that's not true, not even in the slightest," Zak said, stepping toward me. "You have no idea how many 'needs' you've fulfilled, that I didn't even know I had…" Zak said.

I felt my heart racing again, and had to fight with myself internally not to throw my arms around him and hug him.

He deserves better than you…he'll just find someone else…he'll cheat on you…

I closed my eyes tightly as these painful thoughts crossed my mind, practically on a continuous loop.

"Ali…" Zak said softly, and I opened my eyes when I felt his hands rest on my arms.

I silently took a deep breath, and took a step back, out of his arms, and forced myself to ignore – at least to the best of my ability – the pained look that came across his face.

"I need more time Zak…" I said quietly. "I don't know why I'm suddenly like this again…" I began and Zak cut me off.

"Because I was a complete ass, who said something horrible to you…" Zak said quietly.

I frowned.

"I don't think that…I understand the frustration, at least as best I can, considering my status…" I said honestly. "I'm glad we talked, I really am…it helped for a few things…but I need time to figure out if I can get past these thoughts…" I explained quietly, looking up at him.

His entire body was tense, but not in a way that suggested he was angry, it was more like he was holding himself back from throwing his arms around me and never letting me go.

"Alright…if you need time…you need time," Zak said softly.

"Thank you, Zak," I replied softly, and then, remembering we had a lockdown to do, I turned and started heading back toward the large mansion.

After I walked a few steps away, I heard Zak's voice again.

"Ali?" Zak called.

When I glanced back to look at him, he hadn't moved, and I thought I might of seen tear stains shining on his cheeks, but I couldn't fully tell in the darkness.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Please…at least tell me we're not over…" Zak said softly, his voice hitching slightly.

I frowned as I felt tears well up in my eyes again. I knew it wasn't the answer he wanted to hear, but it was all I could offer him right now.

"I don't want us to be over…" I replied softly.

Zak just nodded in response, and then turned away from me completely and walked toward a nearby wooden fence that encircled a large field for horses. He rested his forearms on the fence, and then looked down at the snow.

I could feel my heart breaking, and I wanted to do something to reassure him, but I didn't know what I could do or say. So, I forced myself to turn around and slowly walked toward the large mansion again, crying silently the entire way.

One hour later…

It was finally time to start the lockdown, and I couldn't be more eager to get it over with.

I was still very emotional about my conversation with Zak, and to make things worse, Aaron, Billy and Jay had heard part of the conversation.

When I had returned to nerve center first, they all had looked up to see who had walked in, and when they saw it was me, they all began acting awkward and avoided looking at me.

Needing to know what was going on, I questioned them until Aaron had finally, and reluctantly, told me what he assumed had happen with my walkie talkie. Obviously, neither Zak or I knew at the time, but the guys figured my walkie talkie button had been held down in the "talk" position by the waistband of my jacket during my conversation with Zak.

Aaron didn't want to admit at first what they had heard, but I emotionally pushed him until he told me. He said they had heard Zak when he said I told him I was a virgin before we had started dating, and that he would wait. They had then heard my response - questioning Zak about what if I had wanted to wait until marriage – and once they snapped out of their shock and realized what was happening, they all shut off their walkie talkies.

So, now, not only did they all know why Zak and I had been distant for a week, they now knew I was a virgin.

On top of that, Zak had returned to nerve center just as Aaron was telling me what they had heard, and at first he looked furious. But Aaron quickly informed him of what they theorized happened, and Zak's face just went blank.

Needless to say, things were now incredibly uncomfortable and awkward. I wanted nothing more than to hide in a deep, dark hole. Zak was being quiet, and seemed extremely tense. Aaron also seemed tense, but did his best to cover it with humour. Billy and Jay were in the best position after all this, hidden away at nerve center.

All I could keep thinking was how eager I was to get the lockdown over with, so that I could go back to the hotel and pass out for a few hours, free from my emotional pain…

Authors Note: I hope you enjoyed the update, even though not a whole lot happened, and it was kinda sad.

Also a huge THANK YOU to all of your love, support, patience, and understanding, it means the world to me.

Hopefully the next update will be longer. Please keep up with the reviews!