Chapter Eight

Harm's Apartment

North of Union Station, Washington, DC

Harm sat on his couch, stringing his guitar. Playing the guitar helped him to relax and to think. It was time to make some decisions about his future. He knew what he wanted, having come to that epiphany years ago: He was yearning for a family. He was not afraid of a commitment, no matter what Mac said or thought.

Actually, he had been trying to have something more than just casual relationships or hookups. He had thought that Diane and he could make it work.

Oh, how he missed Diane. He thought back to that fateful day when her life was cut short and she was torn away from him forever. He was supposed to meet with her and spent her leave together. They finally wanted to talk about a life together. They had known that they had feelings for each other, but regulations and deployments had kept them apart for a long time.

It was one of the darkest moments of his life when NCIS Agent Brian Turque mentioned the name of the murder victim whose death Harm had been sent to investigate. Instead of talking about marriage and kids at the upcoming weekend, Harm had to look at Diane's bloodied body in the bag. It got worse when the slimy Turque produced his so-called evidence and arrested Harm for the murder.

He would always be thankful to Meg for proving his innocence in no time. She had also been there to support him in the early days of his heartache. However, one day Meg had just disappeared, and he was told that he'd get a new partner.

After Diane's death, and even during the uncertain relationship he had with Mac, he had tried to find happiness with other women. Sadly, all those relationships had failed for one reason or another.

Subsequently, Harm had realized that his relationship with Annie wouldn't have worked, even if he hadn't taken Josh to the tiger cruise. Her hatred for the Navy would have been too big of a problem for them down the line.

That was one fact that had attracted him to Jordan–she was a sailor, too. Once in a while, he had thought about the possibility of a family with her. That was why he had been surprised and hurt when she had broken things off with him. He truly hadn't thought that she would not accept that part of him. Although she had been a psychologist and had constantly analyzed him, she clearly had not understood him and his love (and need) for flying. He truly had liked Renée, but he was well aware of the fact that he would never marry her!

Then there was Mac. Thinking about the past years, Harm realized that he had a lot of anger towards Sarah MacKenzie. Although she looked like her, her personality wasn't anything like that of Diane. The following months after his friend's murder had been difficult for him.

The wounds from his loss were still fresh and the fact that his new partner was the spitting image of his dead friend didn't help him to overcome his grief.

Nonetheless, they became friends and, in time, they even grew close. After a while, Harm acknowledged to himself that he was attracted to the Marine, but he also knew that he wasn't ready for a relationship with her. That was one reason why he suggested the baby deal. At that time, he had thought that they could make it work.

He had known that they both had personal demons that they needed to lie to rest first. In his mind, five years would give them the time for that and deepen their friendship. And it was with her help that Harm finally found out the truth about his father. For that, he would be forever thankful to Mac.

When the possibility to fly F-14 again opened up, he had gladly grabbed it. He had needed to take that chance so that he could put to rest another of his demons. And he had just done that. Harm had been at peace with himself when he had decided to return to JAG. He had proven to him, to every pilot on board and the higher-ups that he still could fly with the best of them. Moreover, the time on board of a carrier and a lot of talks with his RIO had helped him to put Diane's ghost to rest.

Still, he had to pay a heavy price for all his personal (and professional) accomplishments. In his wildest dreams, Harm had not thought that his friends would take his change of designation as a betrayal–but they did. So, after he'd returned to JAG, his life had been once again in shackles.

It was during that time that Mac had propositioned him in Sydney. Although he was on his way to get his life back in order, he had known that neither he nor she had been ready to start anything. Sadly, Mac had taken his 'not yet' as a rejection. A day later she had broken his heart when she had shown up at the airport with a ring on her finger and kissing Bugme in front of him.

Well, this was one part of his life which Harm was ashamed of. He had not always acted like a gentleman and made a lot of mistakes during Mac's and Bugme's relationship. One of them was that fateful promise that nearly killed himself and Skates. That was something he still had not forgiven himself for and probably never would.

Harm had hoped that he and Mac could take a chance to become close after Bugme had gone back to Australia. He had told her so, more or less, asking her for time to talk after he came back from accompanying Rénee to her father's funeral. There was no way that he would have abandoned her during that tough time. He had thought that Mac would understand that. But once again, Mac had turned away from him. Literally.

Then on the Guadalcanal, she hadn't even waited five seconds for his answer. She had run away and hid behind her rank. Now she was accusing him of not deciding. Preposterous.

He sighed. He was tired; tired of the back and forth with Mac. He thought that they were back on track, getting closer again. He thought that he had worked through his anger about Bugme and her dismissal at the Guadalcanal.

Today's episode clearly showed that he had been wrong. He had thought and hoped that someday they would simply fall into a relationship. Some form of evolution from their friendship. But that just didn't happen. Instead, they were angry with each other. Again. Would that always be the case? Would they always throw accusations and barbs at each other? Rehash the past and hurt each other that way?

That was a different relationship than he had with C.J. The woman was occupying his mind more and more. Harm enjoyed spending time with her. She was smart, sassy, and generally a friendly person. C.J. had the sarcastic humor he liked. She had no difficulties talking about her past. Although she talked a lot, she also was a good listener. Something about her made him open up and talk about himself more than had to most people in the past. He enjoyed their meetings, talking with her, and even trading barbs with her. Barbs that were not intended to hurt the other–something that differed from the spats he often had with Mac. And C.J.'s good looks didn't hurt either. He was a man, after all.

Now, through her actions, C.J. had become an unwilling victim of Mac and his dance. I'm so sick and tired of other people getting hurt. With this thought coming into his mind, Harm made a promise to himself: He would not let any more innocent people get hurt because they could not figure out their relationship.

A knock on the door disturbed Harm's musings. He didn't expect anyone this evening, but had an idea who'd be on the other side of the door. With his guitar in his hand, he walked to his door. He looked through the peephole and sighed as he realized that his guess had been right.

He opened the door. "Mac," he greeted her.

"Took a chance you would be here."

"Where else would I be?"

"I don't know. Avoiding me, as usual?" She said sarcastically. Harm sighed. He was tired of this. No matter the reason Mac came here, she couldn't help herself with a new barb. He knew that they had to talk, but he so wasn't in the mood for that to do now.

Mac waited, but when he didn't invite her in, she took the initiative. "Can I come in?"

There was a tight edge to her voice. It shocked her when Harm seemed to actually think about it for a moment. She inwardly sighed when he stood back to allow her to let her in.

She automatically took her coat off, but stopped when Harm spoke. "I didn't expect you, Mac. What can I help you with?"

He sounded weary, not happy to see her. That surprised her, and she needed a few seconds to regain her control. She looked around his apartment. She had spent a lot of time here, but that was in the past.

"Look, I know you're mad at me..."

"You don't know anything about what I'm feeling!"

"Well, I would know what you're feeling if you would talk to me," Mac insisted.

"I tried Mac, but you didn't want to listen."

"You're referring to your earlier statement that 'Sydney would have been acceptable, but not the Guadalcanal'?"

"Yes."

"That accusation is not fair!" She said, exasperated.

Hearing that statement, as harmless as it seemed, gave him another epiphany. He had the answer to an earlier question: Yes, they would always rehash the past, all their mistakes, and miscommunication.

He knew he wasn't blameless in that, as he always reacted the same way. He didn't know why it was that way, but right now, it didn't matter to him. An inner calm overcame him, making him think that he had rightly decided.

"Harm? Hey, you in there?" Mac waved her right hand in front of Harm.
"Sorry, I just had an epiphany."

"Care to share?"

Harm sighed and inwardly prepared for the confrontation that was to come. "Things are never gonna work out between us." Harm said bluntly.

Mac was stunned and stared at him for a moment. "Why not?" Mac asked, her heart aching.

"Why don't you sit down? I'm going to grab us something to drink."

I don't want something to drink; I want a damn answer, Mac inwardlyraged. However, when Harm had become still, she had instantly realized that something had happened. His whole body relaxed, but his entire demeanor told her that he was quite serious. Although she knew that his words were going to hurt her, this was probably the last chance to have that discussion. So she walked to the couch, while Harm grabbed two bottles of water.

"Look Mac, every once in a while we have those hurtful situations. Most of the time, we ignore them and go on. Other times we apologize, hoping we can go back to the way things were. I don't know if you've noticed this, Mac, but every time we go through this routine, we slip a little further away from the way things were. If we're honest with each other, we have been barely friends since I changed my designator. We're fighting half the time. You hate 90% of the things that define me as the person I am. You especially resent the part of me that has defined my identity ever since I can remember."

He paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts. "After I returned from flying, you punished me. You were cold and hostile and unwilling to get over it. You even rubbed your new rank in my face, something I'd never done. Even now, several years later, you still throw my change of designator back at me. All the while, you conveniently ignore the fact that you actually left JAG yourself. You did not change designator but left the Navy altogether. You said you wanted 'to spread your wings'. But if you're honest with yourself, you accept the fact that you did it for money and a man."

His tone showed what he thought about that.

"Although I wasn't happy about it, I stood by you. When you came back with your tail between your legs because you realized that you weren't cut out for the civilian world, I accepted you back with open arms. Not only that, I went to the Admiral and convinced him to take you back."

Harm saw that she wanted to speak, but stopped her with his hand up.

"No, let me finish. You wanted to have this talk, then listen to what I have to say. In Australia, you asked me for a one-night stand. If I or a relationship with me had been on your mind, or even important to you, you would have waited longer than a few hours before sleeping with another man and rubbing it under my nose. Especially a man who you knew I couldn't stand. Then you dare to try and make me feel guilty because there was a possibility that I would miss your wedding. I nearly killed Skates and myself because of that." He shook his head, remembering the crash.

"Then on the Guadalcanal, you didn't even wait ten seconds for my answer. You ran and then you hid behind your rank. If you had waited, you would have heard that at that moment I had been willing to give up flying. Today, I'm happy that you didn't wait. I think that down the line, I had resented you for that."

Harm took a deep breath. Mac stared at him, unable to speak.

"Look Mac, I don't want to fight anymore, or hurt you. But I honestly think that we're better off as friends because anything else doesn't work for us. Like today, we would always throw past events and hurt feelings at each other. That wouldn't be a healthy relationship. Not to mention one of us would have to change the job, something that neither of us was willing to do until now. And I don't see that changing for any of us."

Mac had to fight her instinct to react to the harsh words. It took a few seconds, but she realized that some things he had said were right, but that didn't mean that she wasn't angry or heartbroken.

"I don't know what to say, Harm. I think I better leave," Mac said, stood up, grabbed her jacket, and went silently to the door.

"Mac?" She turned. "I'm sorry." She nodded and went home.

Harm stared at the door for a moment. He had gone through so many scenarios at different times, but this wasn't how he had thought 'that' conversation would go.

Nevertheless, he knew one thing for sure: whatever might have been between them, their stupid dance was over now. There was no going back. They would be nothing more than friends. Ever. If they could remain that at all.

The White House

The West Wing

"Carol, if somebody from Justice calls, tell them to schedule a separate conference in the morning. I'll push mine back if necessary. Also, tell Martin to draft a piece on the fossil fuel reduction bill, and most importantly, don't let anyone bug me for a good long while."

"How long is a good long while?"

"Six to eight weeks. But I'll take half an hour if I can get it."

"It's yours."

C.J. shut her office door and collapsed into her chair, laying her head down on the desk. Everything about this week was getting on her last nerve. Usually, she'd be looking forward to this evening as a chance to get away from it all for a few hours. After what had happened earlier this week, however, she wasn't sure if she should go anywhere near Café Maria.

Within three minutes, the door opened, and she swore softly without looking up. "Carol, when I said half an hour, I – "

"I pulled rank. I do that from time to time."

Instantly recognizing the voice, C.J. stood up immediately. "I'm sorry, Mr. President. I, ah, wasn't paying attention."

"I've noticed that about you the past few days." The President stepped into her office and quietly shut the door.

C.J. winced instantly and was about to apologize, but Bartlet spoke first. "Not that there have been any problems, mind you, but you know I rarely wander through here for no reason. Anyway, it's Thursday. Don't you have a standing date?"

C.J. sighed. If it were anybody else, she would have told them to mind their own business. Rather strongly. But her boss seemed to be in a capricious mood. When he got like this, it was usually best to just ride it out. Besides, he was the President. "Sir, there's a strong possibility that I shot that entire thing to hell earlier this week."

He lifted an eyebrow. "That clears a few things up. Otherwise, I can't imagine why you would have tried to skip out on the ceremony tomorrow."

"I'm not needed at the ceremony, and I don't think it's much of a stretch to assume that it'll be just as boring as the first fifteen thousand award ceremonies we've done. I haven't seen Hogan in a while, and I wanted to take her to lunch, so I asked Leo if he could spare me for the afternoon. That's all." Liar.

"Right. Because taking your niece out to lunch certainly has to take precedence over watching your boyfriend receive the Silver Star," Bartlet said sarcastically.

C.J. felt tears of frustration in her eyes, and she hated herself for it. "Sir, is it too much to ask for you, of all people, to take my word to mean something? I wouldn't lie to you just to keep my private life secret. He really, truly isn't my boyfriend. No matter what anybody says or believes, that is a fact. Can you just trust me on that?" She had nearly shouted the last few words.

In the silence that followed, her mind raced to come up with an adequate apology. "Mr. President, I shouldn't have said any of that."

"Don't worry about it." He watched her with fatherly eyes. "Just reassure me he didn't drop you for someone else, or I may have to have a little chat with Ron Butterfield's team. Or ask Fitz to send him to some far away duty station."

The idea of sending the Secret Service out after Harm finally brought a small smile to her face. "It's all right. He didn't drop me, since we were never involved, but I think he was in love with someone else the whole time."

"I find that hard to believe."

"Believe it. I think he's absolutely head over heels for his partner at JAG."

The President frowned slightly and thought about how to phrase the next sentence. He didn't want to get anybody in trouble. "C.J., I'm not the world's strongest advocate of 'don't ask, don't tell,' but it is still the law."

C.J.'s face lost all color, and she uneasily replied. "His very female, very beautiful partner, sir. I made the mistake of getting a little too involved with the situation, and there were some, uh, fireworks."

"I see. And just for the record, I take you entirely at your word, because you said so."

"Thank you, Sir."

Bartlet studied her carefully, a little unsure of his footing. "C.J., why don't you tell me what you did?"

C.J. looked up uncertainly, but then decided to just do it. And with the skills learned over the years in the pressroom, she summarized her knowledge of Harm and Mac's relationship, her conversations with both Harm and Mac, ending with her argument with Harm on the matter.

The President listened thoughtfully. "You shifted your attack from him to her, and it blew up."

"Well, to be fair, I'm not sure I was doing anyone any favors with my first approach, either."

Hearing the brief report on what had happened, Jed had some ideas on why C.J. had pushed the Commander but didn't want to say anything at the moment. "So, no coffee tonight?"

"I very much doubt it, Sir."

"Are you sure? Did the Commander cancel? I may not know the man very well, but I don't think that he's the kind of man that would stand someone up."

Jed could see the hope in C.J.'s eyes. Whatever the relationship between the Commander and her had been, it was obvious to him that he was still important to his Press Secretary. "You could go wherever you normally meet. If he comes, you can work it out. If not, you know where you stand with him. Either way, you'd know where you're at. Or you could just call him?"

C.J. looked at the President for a moment. "You know what, sir. I think I'm going to go there. At least I'll get a good cup of coffee out of it."

"All right. But whatever happens, you're coming to the ceremony tomorrow. Bring Hogan if you have to, but you're coming."

C.J. understood the order and sighed. "Yes, sir."

Café Maria

Columbus Avenue, Washington D.C.

C.J. sat at their usual seat, wondering what the upcoming meeting would bring. If Harm was coming. They hadn't spoken since her visit to the JAG HQ on Monday. She looked at her watch again. He was only five minutes too late. She sighed. It wasn't unusual for one of them to be late ten minutes or so. She would give him ten more minutes, then she would order herself a coffee and go home.

A soft, "Hello, C.J.," interrupted her musings.

Surprised by the voice, she winced. Harm saw it and immediately apologized. "Oh, sorry. I didn't want to startle you."

"No, no, it's alright. I was just deep in thoughts."

"I'm glad that you came, C.J."

"I wasn't sure whether you'd come, but I hoped so."

They looked at each other for a moment. When she said nothing else, Harm tentatively started their conversation. "So I've been theorizing as to the reasons behind your recent actions about my relationship with Mac, and I wonder if I'm on the right track."

An uneasiness she'd been stubbornly ignoring resurfaced. "What does it matter? I got a little overzealous. Do we have to relive it?"

"Actually, I think we do. If this friendship, or whatever else it may be, is going to work, we have to be honest with each other. I thought we'd already established that in the past. We could both just apologize for whatever we have said or done on Monday and go on. But I don't think that would help us in the long run."

"And you think talking about the supposed reason for my intervention will help us? Why?"

"Well, to quote a friend of mine, 'I finally know you well enough to know when you're happy, and right now you're not.'" He repeated C.J.'s words in an even voice. "You were right. I've had plenty of chances with Mac, and I guess that must look pretty horrible to someone whose chance was stolen from her."

C.J. could see where he was going. "Don't draw parallels that don't exist. Simon and my relationship wasn't anything like Mac and yours."

Harm nodded. "I understand that. But you'll never know if that's what he could have been, and I'm sure that still hurts."

C.J. swallowed hard around the lump forming in her throat. She wanted to be angry at him for dredging all this up, but it didn't work. She hadn't dared to think about the reason for her persistence in Harm and Mac's relationship. She had tried to convince herself that she was doing it solely for Harm, to see him happy. But deep down, C.J. knew that he was right, and at some point, she'd have to admit it.

"Do we have to do this right now?" she whispered.

"I'm sorry, C.J. I don't want to dredge up bad feelings. I just wanted to tell you that I understand your reason for your actions. And more importantly, I'm very grateful for it."

The last part shocked C.J. immensely. "You're grateful? Really?"

"Yes, C.J. I am. I accept that you were trying to help, at least on some level. Am I happy about it? Of course, not."

Hearing that, C.J. winced.

"But it doesn't change the fact that you didn't do it to hurt me, just the opposite."

"Thank you. Hearing you say that helps me." C.J. sighed. Now it was time for her to apologize. "I'm sorry for trying to force your hand, Harm." C.J. dropped her gaze. "I realize I was a bit overzealous."

"Yes, you were," Harm said with a smile on his face, taking the bite out of his statement.

"So, what now?"

"Now, before we talk about anything else, I want to offer my experience as living proof that there will be other chances."

Saying that, Harm put out a photo and laid it before C.J. on the table. C.J. took it and looked at it carefully. She didn't understand why Harm would show her a picture of a younger Mac. But then she noticed something. "Why is Colonel MacKenzie wearing a Navy uniform?"

Harm took a deep breath. "That's not, Mac. Her name is, well was, Diane Schonke. We went through the Academy together. We hit it off right from the start and were nearly inseparable throughout our time there. For a long time, our friendship was purely platonic. But then, she helped me through the rehab after my ramp strike and we developed some romantic feelings. But regulations and deployments had kept us apart."

Harm was silent for a moment, thinking about their time together.

"What happened to her?"

Harm sighed. "We were supposed to meet and spent her leave together. We wanted to take our time and talk about a life together. Then one day, I get ordered to a crime scene. It hit me worse than the crash when the NCIS Agent mentioned the name of the murder victim. Instead of talking about marriage and kids, I had to look at Diane's bloodied body in the bag."

C.J. gasped, shocked at that revelation. "I'm sorry, Harm. That must have been awful. I can't imagine what that would be like."

"Yeah, it was one of the darkest moments in my life."

They were silent for a moment before he continued.

"Anyway, the point is, that I understand that you're wondering about the uncertainty of a relationship. To be honest with you, it will probably never disappear completely. Even through new relationships, you will always wonder about 'what could have been'."

"Oh, great, way to make me feel better." She said sarcastically.

"The point is, you have to live with that uncertainty, but you don't have to let it rule your life. It took me a while to put Diane's ghost to rest. But once I did, things got better."

"I guess Diane is one reason you and Mac haven't, what was the word you used the other night, ah, hot-bunked?"

"Claudia Jean! You're incorrigible…" Harm exclaimed, only half-annoyed. Then he sighed.

"Look, C.J., although I'm sure that we're going to talk about that more in the future, I didn't come here today to talk about my relationship with Mac. In fact, I wanted to talk about another relationship."

"Oh yeah, which one?" C.J. asked, though she was sure she knew the answer to that question.

Harm proved her right when he looked straight in the eyes and said, "Ours."

"You want to talk about our relationship? What relationship?"

"Exactly."

"What?" C.J. said, confused.

"As I told you at the end of last week's meeting, I had expected to talk about us, about what happened at the apartment after the State Dinner. We didn't do that, so I'd like to do that now."

"Seriously?" C.J. asked incredulously.

"Yes."

C.J. looked silently at him. She wasn't prepared for that, but she rolled with it. She was used to that, anyway. "Okay, let's hear it then."

Harm nodded. Despite his outside bravado, he wasn't nearly as confident as he projected to be. Everybody who knew him would attest to the fact that Harmon Rabb didn't like to speak about his feelings. But he wanted to clear the air between them during their romantic interlude.

"Alright. Last week you suggested that we were both relieved that nothing had happened on our, what did you call it, 'isolated non-incident'. To be honest, that was only part of the truth."

C.J. raised an eyebrow.

"Look, you were right at the apartment. I am tired of wondering about us. And despite what happened on Monday, that hasn't changed. As you may have guessed, I'm not normally as open with people as I have been with you. And I guess, it's the same for you."

C.J. just nodded.

"What you said at the apartment was right, 'we're both responsible, unattached adults.'"

C.J. nodded again.

"So, what do you say: you and I go out on Saturday? Let's just treat it as an experiment? If it works, life is good, and if it doesn't, we go back to where we were." Harm repeated her words from the apartment.

C.J. looked at him for a moment, her thoughts going 300 miles per hour. Before she could decide, she had to know one thing: "Harm, I'm sorry to ask this, and I don't want to deflect..."

"But you want to know about me and Mac."

C.J. reluctantly nodded.

"You know, your stunt forced me to make some decision on that front."

C.J. looked apologetically at him. Harm sighed. "As I said before, I'm sure, we're going to speak about that topic more in the future. But I need you to believe that what I'm about to say next: Mac and I are friends, and we will be nothing more than that!"

That statement stunned C.J. It wasn't the words, but the clear conviction she could see in his posture.

"One more thing: that decision has nothing to do with you. In fact, it has been months, if not years, in the making."

They looked at each other.

"So, what do you say?"
"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay."

They both smiled at each other.

Edited: 9/12/2021