"Alas! Adrift, lost at sea. This is the end of Usopp, the great warrior! What a tragic end to such a wondrous figure! Gah…"
"You know, I'd probably take you more seriously if this wasn't the fourth time you've gone on this spiel so far" Nami muttered, resting on her back with her straw hat covering her face.
"You didn't think about bringing a navigator on board before setting off?" Usopp groaned. "Or, you know, learning how to do it yourself?"
"Nobody else on my home island wanted to be a pirate. How about you? You said you were travelling alone, why didn't YOU learn any navigation?"
"Ah, you see, about that, I was actually the greatest navigator in the East Blue! But unfortunately, while I was battling an army of Sea Kings I got blasted with amnesia-breath from Grobdor the Ocean-Wyvern. While my mind is obviously too powerful to be completely wiped, I sadly ended up forgetting all of my navigation skills! How unfortunate, right?"
"Right…" Nami sighed as she rolled her eyes.
Their barrel of supplies had just about run out, and the two pirates were looking for an island to stock up. Of course, with both having the navigational skills of a moss-ball, they were mostly just left to drift along the waves, hoping to stumble onto something.
"Hey… what's that light?" Usopp suddenly asked, drawing Nami's attention. The captain pulled her hat off her face and moved to take a look for herself. Indeed, something was shining brightly on the horizon. "Maybe it's a lighthouse? No, why would that be turned on during the day though? Or maybe it's some sort of Sea King with very shiny scales? Or maybe..."
"It's a giant hoard of treasure!" Nami suddenly exclaimed, grinning as her eyes turned into Belly-symbols.
"Uh, wait, I don't think-"
Usopp was once again interrupted as Nami rushed to the back of the boat, grabbing a small handle on her robot arm. She pulled it out, revealing a cord. As she did, her metal hand trembled. She let go of the handle, allowing the cord to retract into the arm, before grabbing it and pulling again. After repeating this a few times, her hand started spinning rapidly like a propeller. She stuck her arm into the water, sending the boat jetting towards the shining light.
At an island near the light source…
Pant… pant… "Gotta keep running!"
"Where'd he go?!" "Look out, more of those psychos!"
A nearby house was sent tumbling down, as a hairy man wearing a fake money tail and ears, riding atop a huge gorilla crashed through it. As they fell, they nearly landed on top of someone.
"Ah! That was close!"
The man atop the gorilla groaned as he got up, suddenly noticing the individual besides him.
"There you are, you-"
Before he could say anything else, a man wearing a bright blue suit and an oni-mask came leaping out of the building's wreckage while wielding a bazooka.
"YOOOOOOO~" he bellowed before blasting the bazooka at the gorilla and its rider.
"Ok, I gotta get outta here!"
The figure started running once more as the gorilla and its rider battled the bazooka-wielding man.
"I have to find a place to- OH NO!"
The running person slid to a halt as two strangers suddenly appeared into view. One was a woman with orange hair, a robotic arm and a massive battle axe hanging from her back. The other was a black-haired man with a very long nose and a hammer dangling off his hip.
"GAAAAH DON'T KILL ME!"
"Uh…" Nami looked down at the figure in front of her with confusion. A very short boy with a big head, covered in brown fur. He also had a pair of brown antlers poking out of his head, a blue animal-like nose and a pair of pointy ears sticking out of the side of his head. His only articles of clothing were a pair of maroon shorts, a dark red leather jacket and a blue backpack. "Why would we kill you? You haven't stolen anything from me, have you?"
"Nami, I think he might be freaked out because of… you know… that" Usopp pointed out, gesturing towards the rest of the town. Smoke rose, buildings collapsed, and the sound of gunfire, explosions and battlecries filled the air. Nami sighed, squatting down to get closer to the furry boy's eye level.
"Pirates attacking your town?"
To her surprise, the boy shook his head.
"No, this isn't my town. I think everybody who lived here ran away already. It's…no, I can't talk! I have to get out of here! Do you guys have a boat? Can I tag along?"
Nami sighed, scratching the back of her head.
"Look, we really don't have a lot of space on our boat, and we barely have enough supplies left to last a day. So-"
"Oh, don't worry! There's another island just a couple of hours north-west of here" the fur-covered boy said. "There's lots of fruit and water there. I can show you how to get there."
"Wait, show the way? You know how to navigate?"
"Yep! I travel a lot on my own, so I'm a master navigator!" he boasted.
"Well, if that's the case, then there's no problem" Nami grinned, standing up. "Hop aboard, tiny."
"Wait, Nami!" Usopp shot in. "What if he's a secret spy, and once we're on board he shows his true face and murders us?!"
Nami looked back down at the wide-eyed baby-looking boy.
"No" she deadpanned back to Usopp. "Come on, let's get out of here before the war in town decides to move over here."
But before the three could make their way back to the boat, a woman riding atop a giant turtle came smashing through a wall.
"Huh? Chopper!?" she yelled as she spotted the little reindeer mink. Chopper responded by screaming with wide eyes. "He's about to escape on that boat! Smash it up, Michelangelo!"
The turtle let out a loud turtle-noise as the twin cannons mounted on its shell slowly angled upwards before firing, releasing two giant cannonballs that made a beautiful arc before smashing into Nami's boat.
"Ooh… maybe we can still salvage it?" Usopp suggested.
The cannonballs exploded, scattering the splinters of the boat and sending them raining down.
"...anybody need a toothpick?" the long-nosed pirate grinned sheepishly.
Nami took a deep, calm breath before slowly turning towards the woman on the turtle.
"YOU'RE %&¤#ING DEAD!" she roared, her head temporarily growing triple in size as her teeth became razor sharp and her eyes pure white.
The turtle then demonstrated impressive speed as it fled back towards the warzone of the rest of the town.
"Let's go" Nami sighed, significantly calmer. "We'll have to find another ship."
She started walking towards the town, turning around as she realized the other two weren't following.
"Come on."
Usopp had his face frozen in fear, clinging to Chopper who was having a very hard time carrying him. They remained like this for a few seconds more before the little mink couldn't hold on anymore, and they both collapsed.
"My blaaaaade will dance upon your- GUH!"
As the trio made their way through the town they were under near-constant attack. It quickly became apparent that there were two distinct factions battling each other. The first was a group wearing suits and either wore a mask akin to those worn by kabuki actors, or were dolled up in makeup giving them pearl white skin and various colored markings and designs all over their face. They often spoke in needlessly flowery language and drew out their syllables. The second group were all riding atop giant ferocious animals, from warthogs to birds to even a giant praying mantis. These also tended to wear head-covering items, most of which resembled various animals.
"Go on, Spot! Don't worry about the girl with the axe, she's nothing!"
A giant dalmatian charged towards the three, carrying a man wearing a big mascot head of a tennis ball. Nami grit her teeth, clutching her axe and swinging it as the dog pounced to tackle her. The dog did not die, however, as this is anime rules and being chopped by a giant axe just gives you a boo boo and knocks you out. The dog was launched into a nearby building, smashing it to pieces as its rider ended up pinned underneath the massive canine.
"OH NO THIS WAS COMPLETELY UNAVOIDABLE!" the man cried out from the rubble.
"Geez… why are these guys after you, anyway?" Usopp asked, glancing over at Chopper. The short mink had picked up a metal pipe to help fight off the various attackers.
"Well, it's really just the ones on the animals that are trying to get me. I was running away from them when we got to this place, where I guess some pirate group had set up base. They started arguing and fighting, and I took the opportunity to run. And then I ran into you guys" Chopper explained.
"Ok, but that doesn't really answer my question…" Usopp sighed.
"More importantly" Nami suddenly declared, turning around to face Chopper. "We saw something big and shiny before we got here. Is that from a big treasure hoard or not?"
"Shouldn't you be more concerned about our current situation?! I was almost eaten by a lion the size of a building!" Usopp yelled. "AFTER having a guy in a tengu mask accuse me of stealing his nose. And then he tried to stab me."
Nami responded to Usopp's concerns by completely ignoring him, instead focusing on Chopper.
"Uh, no… there's a bunch of mirrors on the ship of the guys in suits, so the sun makes it all shiny" the reindeer explained, taking a step back. Nami's mood swings frightened him.
The orange-haired pirate dropped to her knees, face down and butt up as she began tearing up.
"No treasure… our boat was smashed… waaah…"
At that moment, a man in a purple suit and kabuki makeup came charging out of an alley with a halberd.
"Yoyoi! A vulnerable foooe!" he yelled as he rushed forth to try stabbing Nami. Before he could do so, however, there was a blur and his target suddenly appeared behind him… and a huge gash appeared across his torso.
"DON'T INTERRUPT MY SELF-PITY!" Nami yelled.
"My deepest apologies" the man groaned before collapsing into unconsciousness.
"Well, whether or not there's treasure there, the pirate's base will be our best bet at getting a boat" Nami calmly said as she sheathed her axe on her back.
"HOLD IIIIIIT~"
The trio's attention was drawn to a nearby rooftop, where two figures stood silhouetted against the sun.
"And so the end comes
Three fools fighting with passion
Will fall against us~"
The two jumped off the roof, quickly striking dramatic poses as soon as they landed. The first was a large man with a very wide torso dressed in a black suit. His skin was fully covered in white makeup, with black around his eyes and lips. Flowing from his head was a truly ludicrously huge mane of light pink hair. The man stood with his open palm outstretched towards Nami, Usopp and Chopper, bending at the knees, right eye closed and resting a green staff on his shoulder.
The other was just as huge in size and wore a bright pink suit with a green tie. He was also covered in white makeup, with dark red around his mouth and pink circles on his cheeks. His hair was equally huge, colored crimson rather than light pink. His pose was a mirrored version of that of his companion, although he was holding a giant purple paintbrush rather than a staff.
"'Tis uuuuus!" "The strongest members of the Snazzy Kabuki Pirates~" "Baaaarring our wondrous caaaaaptain, of course of course~"
"First Mate Kumadori!" the man in the black suit declared, striking another pose.
"And Chief of Staff Kanjuro!" the other added, posing as well.
Nami, Usopp and Chopper stared at them in silence as the two pirates struck various poses, each siller than the last.
"YOYOI! It seeeeems that they are struck with terrible anguish and terror, leaving their undergarments to be flooded with the repercussions of their fear!" Kumadori sang. "Oh, it is truly a blessing and a curse to be of such eeeeeeexcellence!"
"Ka, ka, ka" Kanjuro chuckled darkly. "Then let us end the girl and the tengu quickly. We'll bring the tanuki to the captain, it seems these riders are pretty interested in him."
"I've listened to you two for ten seconds, and I already hate you both" Nami frowned, speaking with not-at-all concealed contempt. Kanjuro reacted by clutching his heart and bending his back until his head hit the ground.
"ACK! Such cruelty! Such evil words! My heart has been pierced! My soul has been rent asunder!"
"Ahah! Yes! That is my secret technique!" Usopp suddenly laughed, placing his fists on his hips proudly. "The pain in your heart indicates that my Soul Rip technique has been activated! Leave now, or your very soul will be ripped out of your body, leaving you adrift for all eternity!"
Hearing Usopp's bluff, Kanjuro slowly stood up with a deadpan expression.
"You know I was exaggerating, right?" the kabuki painter asked dryly.
"I was kinda hoping you'd be a lot dumber…" Usopp shrugged as a drop of sweat formed on the side of his head.
"A Soul Rip?! Truly a devilish techniiiiiique! We cannot allow such a power be let loose on the world! Our very honor demands that we slaaaaaay this demon!" Kumadori said dramatically, getting into a battle-ready pose. His crewmate glanced at him without changing his expression.
"Huh? Usopp, you know how to rip out souls?! That's scary! And cool! And also scary!" Chopper asked, his eyes bulging with amazement and fear.
Nami let out a deep sigh, her palms firmly planted over her face.
"Prepaaaare yourself, for I shall strike you down before you can rend my soul as well~" Kumadori sang before lunging towards Usopp, to the long-nosed pirate's horror. But before the staff-wielding man could reach his target, metal clamped around his face. Nami had jumped to grab Kumadori's face with her robot arm, and proceeded to brutally slam the back of his head into the ground, leaving a small crater as chunks of pavement flew in all directions. Before Kanjuro could even fully react, Nami had ran up to him and grabbed his shoulder in a painful grip. She pulled him down into a crouch in order to look him in the eyes.
"Heeeeey~" she said in a sickeningly sweet voice, putting on a happy face. "I was just looking for some directions to your base. See, we need a boat so we can get away from here. You'll help a sweet, innocent girl out, won't you?"
The tight grip she had on his shoulder underlined a threat along with that request. Kanjuro grit his teeth and glared at Nami… then suddenly started tearing up and trembling. Nami blinked and leaned back a bit, just in time for Kanjuro to completely break down. His face twisted as waterfalls of tears shot out of his eyes like high-pressure hoses, and he bellowed in anguish.
"WAAAAUGH! KUMADOOOOOOORIIIII! GUAAAAAAAH! PWUEASH DON HUWT MEEEEH!"
Nami let go of the screaming man as he thrashed about, bawling his eyes out and babbling incomprehensibly.
"Wow, hey, take it easy" Nami tried to calm him down, while also slowly stepping away to a safer distance. "Just… tell us where the base is and we'll leave. We won't hurt you at all."
He seemed to calm down at least slightly, though still trembling like crazy. With a shaking finger he pointed down one of the nearby streets.
"D-d-down that way… then second to the left… and a right… and you're there… now, g-go and don't hurt me!"
Kanjuro turned away from the three, cowering and whimpering. Nami shook her head and turned towards the other two. They resolved to leave silently, leaving the sobbing wreck in peace. They ventured down the street he had pointed them towards, and soon the crying Kanjuro was out of sight.
That's when Kanjuro's sobbing immediately stopped. His tears dried quickly and he stood up with a calm and serious expression. Grabbing his paintbrush, he quickly painted a carrier pigeon on a nearby wall.
"Appear" he commanded, causing the painting to morph out of the wall into a three-dimensional, physical pigeon. Using one hair of his paintbrush, he scribbled down a message on a small piece of paper and attached it to the pigeon's leg. "Deliver this to the captain immediately."
As the bird flew off, Kanjuro turned towards his seemingly defeated crewmate. He walked over to Kumadori and delivered a swift kick to his side. The black-suited kabuki jolted awake and sat up, rubbing the back of his head and groaning.
"Ack, such carelessness!" Kumadori whined, making an overdramatic expression of tragedy. "To have allooowed myself to be knocked down in such a manner, it is an eternal stain on my hooooonooooor! The only way I may redeem myself… is through seppuku! YOYOI!"
He grabbed his staff and raised it, crying out as he prepared to stab himself with it. But before he could, Kanjuro snatched the staff out of his hands.
"Will you stop that?" he snarled as he handed the staff back to him. "Come on, we've got to meet up with the rest of the crew."
Following Kanjuro's instructions, Nami, Usopp and Chopper marched down the streets of the abandoned town. They noticed that the sounds of combat were dying down, and that they weren't constantly attacked by enemies like before. As relieving as that was, it was also concerning, since they didn't know if it was simply that all the enemy combatants were down… or if one or both sides were planning something.
They soon turned the corner to the right that Kanjuro had told them to, they only found a dead end. Walls surrounded them on three sides, with nary a base in sight.
"Huh? I don't get it. He said the base was gonna be here, but it's not. Is he an idiot?" Chopper mused, scratching his head.
"A liar and a coward… not worthy of calling himself a pirate!" Usopp declared with a staggering lack of self-awareness. Nami just sighed and shook her head.
"Well, seeing as we're in a dead end, I'm assuming there's an ambush waiting right behind us" she said as she crossed her arms. She didn't turn around, but Usopp and Chopper did, seeing nothing. However, two voices talking in sync spoke up.
"You're not making this any fun!" "You're not making this any fun!"
"...wait, who said that?!" "...wait, who said that?!"
Usopp and Chopper slowly looked at each other, as Nami just rubbed her temples.
"Did we both plan separate ambushes at the same time?!" "Well, we can't both spring them at the same time." "LastonetosaynotithastogosecondNOTIT!" "Not i- ah dang it." "Ha ha!"
And so a big group of pirates dressed in suits, masks and makeup stepped out from behind corners leading into the dead end alleyway. Front and center were Kanjuro and Kumadori, as well as one other person standing between them.
"Oooh… well aren't you three scary…" the middle man said in a calm tone. Though he wasn't quite as tall as the long-haired kabukis, he was still a towering yet somewhat slim figure. He wore a mask resembling a Japanese macaque, which also had amber sunglasses taped to it, and was dressed up in a yellow suit with darker vertical stripes. His hands were in his pockets, and his overall demeanour was very carefree and didn't show any of the energetic showmanship of his underlings. "I'm captain Borsalinoooo~"
"Herein lies the value of a proper deception" Kanjuro grinned evilly, his paintbrush dripping with black ink.
"To have fallen for such an obvious plooooy… it is a stain on your honor! I accept the full blame for this farce!" Kumadori said somberly, preparing to stab himself with his staff again. However, Borsalino casually kicked the staff aside.
"Hey, don't do that" the yellow-suited captain said calmly.
Usopp and Chopper frowned at them, and Nami still hadn't turned around to face the newcomers. But before anybody had the chance to do or say anything else, another disembodied voice spoke up.
"Ok, that's your ambush. Now it's our turn!"
Shadows filled the alley, and all eyes within were drawn upwards to see figures staring down at them from above. The mounted pirates had assembled on the rooftops, like predators preparing to pounce prey. Chopper's eyes suddenly grew wide as he recognized a particular member of the pack.
"Ah! Mohji!" he cried out, eyes bulging out as he took a step backwards. Sitting atop a large, odd-colored lion was a bearded muscular man wearing a white fur vest. His white hair was styled to look like bear ears.
"Hello again, Chopper" he smirked evilly. "I-"
"Who is this guy?" Usopp asked Chopper, interrupting Mohji. "Is he the captain of these clowns on the animals?"
"No, not really" Chopper admitted, turning to face Usopp.
Mohji blinked and spoke up again. "Hey, I… wasn't done talking."
But Chopper didn't care.
"He's the Lieutenant of the Rider Corps, so he's got a boss within the Rider Corps-" "He's not my BOSS, he's… just got a slightly higher rank. We're more like equals." "...and then there's a captain that they both obey." "And she likes me better than the other guy!"
"So… he's a goon under a goon?" Usopp summarized. Chopper confirmed with a nod, much to Mohji's chagrin. "Wait… so you're being hunted by an organization big enough to have ALL these guys as just a side-gang of minions? Chopper, what did you DO?"
"Enough!" Mohji yelled, pulling his lion's mane in frustration. "Listen here, you-"
Before he could finish that sentence, he exploded. Or rather, a beam fired from below engulfed both rider and lion in an explosion as it hit Mohji.
"LIEUTENANT MOHJI!" the other riders cried out, quickly drawing a hasty retreat to retrieve their unconscious and charred leader.
Nami, Usopp and Chopper all felt sweatdrops form as their jaws dropped, slowly looking down to see the source of the beam. Captain Borsalino stood with one hand raised, index finger pointed towards where Mohji had been. He slowly lowered his hand and put it back into his pocket.
"Ka, ka, ka… Now that that's out of the way…" Kanjuro chuckled, pointing his paintbrush towards the trio.
"It is time for the final act!" Kumadori said, punctuating his statement with a flashy pose. "I shall aveeeeenge my stained honor by, as a tribe of grand warriors I once encountered say, laying the smackdown on you! Prepare yourseeeeelf, foul demons!"
"Ooooh, Mister Kumadori is all fired up! How scary…" Borsalino said softly.
Suddenly, all the Snazzy Kabuki Pirates yelled out "YOYOI!" (Borsalino simply spoke the word instead) and struck various over the top-poses. However, Borsalino's pose consisted of him sticking out his thumb, index and pinkie fingers on both hands and almost crossing his arms.
"You know, those beast rider guys were pretty well armed" Nami suddenly said, still not turning around.
"Carried around a whole bunch of weapons, from guns to explosives" Usopp continued with a smirk.
"And while fighting all of you, they sometimes dropped bags they used to carry around all their stuff" Chopper grinned, as both he and Usopp took a few steps backwards.
"In particular, some guy who specialized in bombs" Nami said, raising her hand to reveal a small device in her right hand. Realization gradually dawned upon the Snazzy Kabuki Pirates as they stared at the device, then noticed some conspicuously placed bags on either side of the opening leading into the alleyway. The same opening where they were all standing, whereas Nami, Usopp and Chopper were well out of the danger zone.
"...maybe we should have had someone tail them as they walked?"