*This chapter contains themes of depression and anxiety. Please read at your own discretion.*
"Blue Girl" by Chromatics
Blue Girl
There was laughter, so boisterous and genuine… she resented it. How can they be so happy when she's feeling like this? It seemed effortless for them to reach that feeling and focus on something else besides pain. And there was so, so much pain. How could they forget about it so easily? She lived in such happiness for so long before, yet now it felt so far away and like a fantasy. How did she do it back then? Why couldn't she get there now?
Usagi took a sip of her wine, staring at the colorful music video on the television screen. Lyrics were shown at the bottom for aid as the tone-deaf voice of her husband's friend on a microphone pierced all ears in the room. Others around clapped and sang along, stopping to laugh each time his voice cracked and sang offkey. But he pulled through, finishing out with a relatively respectable score of forty percent. Perhaps his only saving grace was knowing all the words.
He sat down and handed off the microphone to a woman beside him as the next song started. She leaned in toward another female participant, holding the audio conduit close to their mouths to amplify their duet.
And there it was again: the blatant happiness. It made her anxious. The desire to go home was so powerful, Usagi breathed in deeply in efforts to subdue the overflow. However, such an action didn't go unnoticed as she then felt a hand on her arm, and turned around to face her husband.
"Was there something you wanted to sing?" He smiled as he gave her arm a gentle squeeze.
"Um, I'm okay, Mamo." Usagi shook her head. "I'll just watch."
"Have you looked at the catalog? I'm sure you can find something." He pointed to a touchscreen tablet sitting on a low table in front of them.
"I'm okay, Mamo." She repeated with a fake smile and placed her hand over his with an affirmative pat.
He nodded before he leaned over to kiss her on the cheek. "Are you having fun?"
Usagi nodded with an unconvincing rhythm. "Mmhm, yes."
With another squeeze of her arm, Mamoru sat back in the booth to be near his two other friends. For a moment all three heads leaned in close to one another, whispering about something which resulted in another booming laughing session.
That laughter separated Usagi from the singing duo, leaving her as a lone and lonely person with her own edge of the booth. Though, it wasn't as inconspicuous as she liked. As was her mind, she preferred to be in darkness and isolated in the comfort of her bedroom and was only here at the beseeching of her husband.
Usagi took another sip of wine; she ordered the sweet, sparkly stuff as usual. While the laughing and singing converged into a vacuum of background noise in her mind, she began to hyper-focus on the bubbles in her drink. If only her state of mind were like them: floating aimlessly within the liquid pain destined to make it to the top and burst to breathe in the air of relief. But she seemed fated to be stuck underwater—alone, anchored, and unable to drown, her lungs filled with a bubbly sea of despair and dread. Each passing day she felt pulled further away from the surface, without any hope or death. And if drowning wasn't going to kill her, she yearned for something else to do it.
"So… how was bathroom duty?"
"Shut up."
"So I take it, it was… bad duty?"
Fighter and Healer cackled in response to the former's immature pun, congratulating each other by touching elbows. Maker only rolled her eyes.
"Get it out of your system now before we reach the king."
"Well, we know who to go to for help getting anything out of our system!"
Fighter wheezed so hard at Healer's remark, she had to stop mid-step and hold herself up on a wall. Her partner in crime also paused to join in the laughter, but the brunette was not in the mood for pit stops (heh) as she kept her pace forward.
"I am done with both of you."
Maker only had to wait a few moments for the other two to catch up, still carrying on with residual humor and wiping tears as they stumbled up to the closed door to the king's working chambers. At her wits' end, Maker thought to have some kind of revenge and knocked on the door before Fighter and Healer could completely gather their bearings.
The Starlights were met by Prince Kyo, dressed in a formal robe.
"Good morning, Prince." Maker was the first to bow, resulting in the other two following suit, coughing and clearing their throats to suppress their giggles.
He nodded. "Good morning. Please come in."
They formed a line and entered the chamber. Fighter was bringing up the rear when Kyo had to remind her of that fact with a covert pat on her bottom. Fighter stole a glance toward him over her shoulder with glaring yet playful eyes.
The Starlights stood to face the king at his desk, bowing in respect as Kyo took his place behind his father. The king, also dressed in a formal robe, was in the midst of writing on a document when he addressed the three guardians before him.
"Thank you for coming, my Starlights. How are you feeling this morning?"
Fighter answered with a single nod. "Very well, your highness."
"That's good to hear. We've heard word that a vast majority of guests have suffered from food poisoning at the event last night."
Healer and Maker looked at each other in shock, and Fighter did her best to pretend.
"Poisoning? Really? How many people?" Healer questioned.
"Seems about eighty percent of our guests were affected," Kyo answered.
Fighter blinked her blue eyes in disbelief at him. "Eighty percent? Are you sure?" Either that warlock of a butler lied or curses have the ability to cross-contaminate.
The prince shrugged. "Give or take. Maybe as much as eighty-five."
The lead guardian crossed her arms with a huff, reminding herself that no matter what the number, they at least got what they deserved.
"Well, I certainly hope they… feel better." Yes, that'll throw them off for sure.
"Oh yes, nothing serious. No deaths… yet." The king chuckled as he finished his writing. After he closed the document within a red leather book portfolio, it was now time to get to business.
"As of this morning, we've received reports of four Kamokian scout ships circling in the exosphere."
Each guardian gasped under her breath; if their power-hungry neighbor planet was spotted in their airspace, it could only be understood as a hostile move.
"How many field guardians have been mobilized?" asked Fighter.
"Seventy-thousand."
"That's not even a quarter of our defense. We must double it."
"We plan to."
"Very good. Maker, Healer, and I are ready to lead on any and all fronts. Kamoku's offense is barely a hundred-thousand strong, even with Ginmoku."
"That's not what I called you in here for." The king's serious expression never faltered, leaving the guardians perplexed.
He continued. "A war would ruin us. Not in deaths, but in destruction; Kinmoku has only finished rebuilding which has brought us in debt by billions of taras. Our economy would tank all over the planet. We can surely win, but we surely won't survive."
His words put weight in the air, though Fighter wasn't about to accept it.
"Your highness, we won't let you down. Even if it does take us ten-thousand years to rebuild, knowing our planet and people are safe will keep us going. We will do whatever it takes to fight and rebuild again. There is always a way."
He nodded, touched by her perseverance and loyalty, though those things don't feed a civilization.
"'There's always a way.' You're exactly right. Which brings me to ask: are you still on good terms with the Milky Way guardians?"
Milky? Way? Fighter tried to gulp down the familiar lump that always appeared in her throat at the worst times. She hadn't thought of those words or its existence in so long, and merely hearing it brought back anxiety she hadn't felt since then.
No. She can't go back.
Maker took up the torch to answer since their leader seemed rendered speechless all of a sudden. "My King, to be honest, it's been years since we've been in touch. I can't imagine that they would shut the door in our faces, though."
"You left on good terms?"
"Yes, my King." Maker reassured.
I will shut a door on your face if you don't shut up, Taiki!
"Good. We could annihilate Kamoku before they even touch the ground with them as our ally."
Fighter talked through the lump to bring some sense to the room. "Your highness, there are only nine guardians for the whole galaxy. Every other planet besides Earth is uninhabited. And even still, we only associated regularly with five of them."
"But nine of them were able to protect the whole planet?"
Healer raised a finger. "To be honest, it was Sailor Moon pretty much by herself."
Yaten, shut the fuck up!
"That's good… that's good news." The king trailed off as he nodded with hopefulness, his fingers stroking his salt and pepper goatee. "We'll take as many as you can get, but as long as you get her —"
"My—my King." Fighter couldn't hide the distress in her voice. "Please… we can defeat them ourselves. We can draw the enemy to rural areas and—"
"That's not a risk I'm willing to take. They know exactly what they're doing."
"With all due respect, your plan is really to beg for help? We don't need it!"
"Recruit allies." The king corrected, unappreciative of Fighter's tone. "I am not above or below protecting Kinmoku at all costs, even if we have to beg."
A sudden knock at the door threw everyone out of the intensity. And only a half-second later, a palace guardian showed herself in while clutching a folded piece of paper. She walked to the desk and bowed as she held out the parchment toward the king. Once he took it, she turned around and showed herself out without an utterance of a word.
The king unfolded the paper, read, and tossed it back on his desk quickly enough for it to all seem as one motion.
"Another scout has been spotted in the northwestern hemisphere. You will depart for Earth within the week."
Her hands were vigorous as they sifted through her hangers, trying to find garments that will help them blend in on Earth, and not make them stick out like the aliens they were. And then, in the dusty darkness that is the end of the closet, her eyes spotted a red jacket…
She tried a handful of times to convince the king to let her stay behind; begged him, even. But he insisted her efforts on Earth were worth more than on Kinmoku. He declared his word final, and that she would be arrested for treason if she challenged his decision again. That option was tempting…
Seiya hadn't thought of Usagi and her time on Earth in so long. Sure, a smell, a sound, or maybe spotting a blonde woman in a crowd would trigger some memories, but she only let them pass through her mind, never overstaying their welcome. The years stacked on and she decided the chance of seeing Usagi again was not worth a calculation, and ever so slowly, her heart relaxed. Time and experience separated Seiya from that point in her life as hindsight painted her younger heart as naïve and idealistic to a fault.
But now to face her again… the mere idea of it overwhelmed her. It wasn't like she didn't have closure—he fucking waved goodbye to her from the rooftop on that last day. So why is she so affected? Why is she so damned agitated and scared?
"So you really think it's a bad idea?"
Seiya came out of her thoughts as she swiped that shoulder-padded abomination from its hanger and strode to her bed where an open duffel bag lay.
"No," she placed the final garment inside the bag. "It's just… not a good idea."
Kyo, sitting on the bed beside the luggage, looked into it as she shoved the red jacket to make it fit.
"Sailor Moon… that's that girl you've talked about before, right?"
"Yes."
"Do you not want to see her?"
"It's not about her," Seiya pulled the zipper closed with a tight jaw. "I think it makes us look bad to ask for help. It's important that our people believe in us."
"But you said, 'whatever it takes.'"
"Whatever it takes in our galaxy. I didn't think that meant sending us to another one."
"If it were any other other galaxy, would you be this upset?"
She paused, staring into the abyss of her bag. "Probably not."
The prince's mouth twitched in a smirk. "It's okay to be nervous. You were in love with her—"
"Whoa! No! Stop!" Seiya put a finger in his face, her senses back in defense mode. "I'm not so sure it was love. I'm a completely different person now. She is a different person now. So none of that matters. I was stupid and young, and it's all in the past. I've made peace with that."
Kyo decided to keep pushing. "Have you really?"
"Kyo! Please! Why do you—!" Seiya felt her voice rising, her anger burning, the anxiety overflowing. She caught herself before she would say something hurtful, and it took so much strength that tears began to fall.
Realizing she was truly struggling, he stood up to take her in a tight embrace, giving her his apology with his arms. She wasted no time to unload.
"It's just so much. With fucking Kamoku, and you getting married, and now I have to leave to go face her. And not only that but I have to ask for her help. What if she doesn't want to see me? What if she doesn't want to help us and it's because of me?"
Kyo kissed her temple as he stroked her raven hair in an effort to soothe her. "I know that person is not the Sailor Moon you told me about. And if she is, then we don't want her help. You are our Starlight, first and foremost."
He leaned back to look into her eyes and continued: "We will be okay. If Kamoku attacks, we have enough guardians to defend ourselves. And if we have to rebuild again, we will rebuild again. As for my wedding, the princess and I both know this is purely political. I will not cast you aside because of this marriage."
Seiya smiled and wiped away a single, silent tear. "You don't have to worry about me, Kyo. I'll be fine and I'll understand."
"Understand what? I mean it."
"I know… I know you do. But—"
Kyo's embrace tightened in an abrupt movement, jolting Seiya into silence. His red eyes kept gazing into her deep blues.
"But… you will make it back in time for my coronation?"
Her face softened. "Of course, Kyo."
"I wouldn't be a true king if the fighter, defender, and protector of our planet, galaxy, and universe wasn't there—" He couldn't quite put a period on his request as Seiya began to writhe within his embrace from annoyance.
"I'll be back at least to kill you for that." Her glossy eyes stared daggers.
"I look forward to it." The prince chuckled and took her mouth captive with his for a few moments.
However, a knock at the door would interrupt them. With a parting peck, Seiya stepped out of Kyo's arms and opened the door to reveal an unfamiliar palace guardian, who bowed before she spoke.
"Sailor Star Fighter, Princess Kakyuu requests your presence."
Mamoru sighed as he came to a red light and brought the car to a smooth stop, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel as he looked over to Usagi in the passenger seat. She rested her chin atop her fist as her elbow lay supported on the window ledge. While she looked the part with her dark pink cocktail dress, heels, and complementary makeup, the sullenness in her eyes gave her away. A few months ago she would still be riding the high of the night singing and laughing with a happy drunken slur while blasting her favorite songs on the car sound system, but this time they rode in silence. She didn't even notice his stare which lasted for several moments, as she kept her gaze outward at nothing in particular.
He shifted in his seat and set his elbow on his window ledge. "How many drinks did you have tonight?"
She took her time with an answer void of emotion, still looking out the window. "I don't know… four, five?"
"Should you be drinking on your medication?"
"I stopped taking it."
"You stopped taking it? When?" His voice raised in harsh concern.
"I decided about two weeks ago."
"Why?"
"I didn't like how it made me feel."
"Usa, you're not supposed to stop taking that type of medicine like that—"
"I called Dr. Kagoya and he told me how to wean off of it. My last dose was a few days ago."
Mamoru threw his head back on the headrest in relief. But still… "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I knew you would worry, and I've put you through enough of that." Usagi looked forward and adjusted the air vents away from herself.
He sighed heavily as the light turned green and he pressed on the accelerator. However, Usagi read into such a simple action.
"Are you mad at me?"
He shook his head, keeping his eyes on the road. "No, Usa… It's just… I worry about you getting worse again. I thought you were doing better on it."
"I'll figure it out, okay? I'm trying. I know very well that I'm hard to deal with." Her tone seemed especially fretful. The four-to-five drinks only enhanced it instead of calming her.
"That's not what I meant. It's just that you're eating, you're sleeping… there was progress with the meds."
"So you don't think I can do this on my own?"
"No, I—" God, not again. Not another fight. "It's okay to need help, okay? That's all. If you think you can do it on your own, then I support you. But Maro can always put you on something else if you didn't like the first stuff."
"Yes, your friend can just 'put me on' whatever makes life easier for you."
Mamoru became defensive, gesturing over the steering wheel. His eyes darted back and forth between her and the road. "I didn't—why do you say shit like that?"
Usagi's voice began to shake, her words coming out as whimpers as large tears began to fall down her cheeks. "Because it's true! I know you want to get away! You spend so much time at work and with your friends so you don't have to deal with me!"
"But I invite you out all the time! I even had to beg you to come out tonight!"
"Because you feel like you have to because I'm your wife and you have to do those things!"
"Usa, I want to spend time with you!"
"No, you don't! Who would want to be with me? I don't want to be with me." She buried her wet, sobbing face into her hands, releasing months of emotions
Mamoru stayed quiet, feeling tired, oh-so tired.
"I just want to be happy, Mamo." Usagi was so desperate in her pleas, lowering her hands onto her cheeks. "I promise, I'm trying. I just want to be normal so bad. I'm so sorry I put you through this."
"Don't be sorry." He lowered his voice as he put a hand on her thigh. "I love you, okay?"
"I'm sorry, Mamo. I'm so sorry. I love you so much. Please don't leave me." She clung to his arm, her tears and makeup rubbing off on his shirt.
The car then became silent again. After Usagi's crying subsided, she returned to a swollen, burning stare outside the window. This time, she held Mamoru's hand in her lap until they made it back to the house. As she stepped out on their driveway into the late spring night, she managed to catch a glimpse of three shooting stars in the distance. Though it was only for a moment, she forgot about her current state. For a moment she didn't think about the pain and her mind was free. For a moment her chest was light and her heart beat in a normal rhythm. At that moment, she focused on the stars, as they reminded her of something familiar and warm. Something from the past, perhaps, but most of all: something that was missing.