*This chapter contains themes of anxiety and depression. Please read at your discretion.*

"Stuck on Repeat" by Little Boots

Stuck on Repeat

"Usa, are you about to get ready?"

Mamoru emerged from the closet buckling his belt on his black work trousers. Usagi lay in bed with the television on low volume and shook her head, which sat atop a pillow. Her thumb was hard at work scrolling on her phone.

"I'm not gonna go tonight."

"But you have to go."

"Why?"

"Because… Mina said she has a surprise."

She lowered her phone to eye her husband suspiciously. "How do you know that?"

"She texted me. To make sure that you go."

Her suspicion was cast to the back of her mind as her eyes rolled back. "Last time she said it was a surprise, she tried to sell us dildos."

Mamoru breathed out a chuckle. "I can guarantee that's not the same type of surprise tonight."

"Do you know what it is?"

"I do, actually." He spoke with such casualness as he sat on his side of the bed with his back to her, slipping on black trouser socks.

Usagi laid her phone down and sat up to stare at the back of Mamoru's head, her curiosity piqued. "And?"

He turned around with a smirk. "I'm not telling you."

She threw herself back on her pillow, curiosity replaced with stubbornness. "Fine, then I'm not going."

"Usa, come on. You don't have to stay out all night. Just go for a couple of hours and leave early."

"But they all just sit around and talk about work and how busy they are and how much dating sucks, and I'm just there unable to say anything. And then they start asking me, 'Why are you still so sad? You have nothing to be sad about.' I love them, but it's not worth it."

Mamoru sighed through his nose in sympathy but remained steadfast in his mission. "Please, Usa."

"Why do you want me to go so badly?"

"Because it's good for you to get out. You haven't left the house at all this week, not even for your session with Maro. And the surprise is for you. They're trying, Usa. We all are."

She groaned as she shook her head with a whimper. "Mamo, please. I don't want this right now." Her eyes squint shut.

"But you need this." He crawled over to her and planted a kiss on her cheek and felt her body relax, thus accepting that as a white flag from her. "The hotel is near the hospital. I can drive you there on my way to work."

With a sigh full of defeat, Usagi nodded. She pecked his lips with the disparate feelings of vexation and gratefulness, and then she was off to the shower. Mamoru knew she lived as a prisoner of her own mind and it rendered her a shell of her normal self. Her release date was yet to be determined.

To him, the change seemed sudden. He finished his residency and landed a job working the night shift at an emergency room at the start of the year. Things seemed fine at first. They talked through how tough the schedule would be, but she was positive about it, as was her standard back then. This sacrifice would only be for a couple of years until he had enough experience to transfer to another position with better hours. And even after a few months at the job, she still seemed okay. She was going on a few years working at a daycare and had proper distractions and responsibilities. Their schedules even allowed them a couple of overlapping hours of time together in between when she came home and he left.

But then the panic attacks started. They were cuddling on the couch watching television when Usagi sat up abruptly rubbing her chest. Then she had to get up and pace the room as she hyperventilated, wondering out loud what was happening. He checked out her vitals to find her heart rate and blood pressure elevated, but fine otherwise in a physical sense. He diagnosed her panic attack and, after fixing her some tea and reassuring her she wasn't dying, it seemed he talked her down enough for him to leave for work.

When he came home that morning, he was met with an exhausted Usagi in bed; she had been awake all night, afraid she was going to have a heart attack in her sleep.

The severe anxiety persisted. Within a week, Usagi had quit her job and spent her days holed up at the house. The effects were strong enough to have spread to her stomach, and she would barely nibble on even her usual favorite junk food treats, causing her weight to plummet to a concerning amount. Mamoru considered swiping a feeding tube from the hospital on multiple occasions.

While he slept during the day, she found a constant company in a rotation of a few comforting movies and television shows. And every weekend, her friend group would invite her out for some sort of activity, but Usagi was rarely in the mood or had the energy. Even if she would join them, she was disconnected—barely smiling, talking, or existing.

Mamoru talked to a psychiatrist friend from medical school, who was more than happy to take her on as a patient. She walked away from her first appointment with an anti-depressant and a mild sedative and had been back once a week since then. Along with that, Mamoru tried his best with constant suggestions for her to go to school, volunteer, take up a hobby, exercise more, go outside… anything to distract herself and snap out of it. With all the alone time she had, sitting around the house and stewing in her own thoughts was certainly not working for her. But most times conversations would end with her breaking down and claiming she was trying, or she didn't know what to do to get herself back to normal, as she still didn't understand why she was the way she was in the first place. And then nothing would change.

Eventually, after a couple of weeks on the medicine, the anxiety leveled off, and her sleep and appetite improved, but she still wasn't the same. Her eyes held emptiness as she still spent her days in front of the television and on her phone, barely leaving the bedroom. By that point, Mamoru was completely out of ideas—he felt tired and helpless, unable to throw a rose in for this one.

Even when he would try to include her in his outings, it was more miss than hit that she would be up to join him. And for her to go by herself with her friends seemed like an even harder feat. Nevertheless, she's up and showering, and that was worth a victory mark for both him and her.

Usagi stepped out of the car with a simple, "bye, love you," and watched Mamoru's black Mercedes sedan drive off down the street. She reached around herself to smooth down her ivory A-line dress, not realizing how short the hem was until she sat in the car. She'll just have to put Rei on booty duty for the night to notify her when she's bending over too far.

She took in a deep breath as she stared through the windows of the hotel. It was quite fancy, with crisp uniformed employees, a large crystal chandelier in the lobby, and a white tablecloth restaurant area. Minako had mentioned she was cast in a television show and the studio put her up in the hotel while they filmed nearby. Must be a good show.

Usagi took her time in her five-inch sparkling platform Louboutins. She tried her best to allow her surroundings to distract from her dispiritedness. For if she thought about it too much, she could psyche herself into calling an Uber home; it has happened before. It wasn't that she didn't like her friends, but socialization with anyone felt exhausting, and the energy of even thinking about having to carry on a conversation would make her sigh herself into another dimension. But for tonight, she would just have to deal… for Mamoru, for her friends…

She let out one more big sigh before she knocked on the door of room number 18307.

"Ah! Usagi! You're here!" Minako screeched with a bounce as she opened the door halfway. Soon, three more bodies popped into view—Ami, Rei, and Makoto—screeching in their own respective dog-sensory decibels.

Oh god, this was a mistake. Usagi's smile turned uneasy, and she held her red clutch purse to her chest in an instinctual protective measure. Why are they all acting like this?

"Hi, everyone." She gave a small wave.

Each of the women in the room was already holding their pre-game drinks, and the bunhead had a good inkling it wasn't their first. However, none of them made a move to let her inside.

"Okay, you have to close your eyes for the surprise!" Minako winked.

Usagi cocked her head. "What?"

"Close your eyes, Usagi!" Rei repeated with enthusiasm. She must have been on her third or fourth drink for her request to not already be laced with annoyance.

"In these shoes? No way!"

Ami swooped in for the compromise. "Maybe just look down!"

"But we have to make sure she doesn't see!" Rei raised her palm.

"Take off your jacket. We'll put it on her head!" Makoto suggested, already reaching for Rei's black blazer.

"No! She'll get makeup on the lining!"

"If her head's down, it won't even touch her face!"

"Did you bring a jacket? Use yours! It's bigger anyway!"

The loudness, the arguing… Although harmless, it was becoming too much stimulation for Usagi. Minako noticed the scared look on her face and thus waved her free arm about to shush everyone.

"Oh my god! Stop! Usagi will just look down and we'll all stand around her and lead her in. Mako, since you're tall, you stand in front of her."

"Do I really have to do this?" Usagi felt like she was being punished.

"Please humor us, Usagi." Ami held her hands up angled in a prayer sign while still holding her drink. "We promise it's worth it."

It wasn't every day Ami played along with the rest of their shenanigans. If even she was asking, it must have been a legit, big surprise. So with a begrudging breathy word of, "fine," Usagi lowered her head and held out her arms.

The four women formed a half-circle around her, each holding onto various areas of her arms. With very careful movements, they all shuffled inside the hotel room, extra vigilant of their feet since their heels were all at least three inches off the ground. Makoto, from her position directly in front, rested her chin atop Usagi's head to make sure she didn't decide to pop it up.

It was after several movements Usagi heard the door close and then they all stopped. Her head felt lighter from Makoto releasing it.

"Okay, you're good here. Now close your eyes and raise your head." Minako spoke from Usagi's right side.

Without protest, she obeyed, while also lowering her arms, still feeling a couple of hands holding onto her. Then, everything went silent.

"Open!"

Usagi obeyed once again to stare into familiar deep blue eyes from only three feet away. Although it took her a couple of seconds to process the three women before her, the breath was immediately sucked out of her.

"Hello, Odango." Seiya greeted with a smile, standing in between Taiki and Yaten.

Usagi's vision began to blur and she couldn't speak. The only thing that came out of her mouth were heavy huffs, as she was trying with all her physical strength to suppress her sobs. She dropped her red clutch to bring her hands to her face.

"S—Seiya?"

Seiya nodded, though her concern at the bunhead's reaction grew every second. "Yes, it's me."

Usagi began to hyperventilate as the tears finally escaped down her cheeks, taking her mascara with them. As much as she tried, she couldn't contain the loud, powerful weeping that followed. All four friends put a hand on Usagi's shoulders or arms to provide moral support, careful not to interrupt.

Seiya's face dropped. Though she had a thousand different scenarios of this moment in her head, this one was a contender only by ending with Usagi banishing them for eternity from Earth. She held her hands up in preparation to console her.

"Odango, are—"

"Oh my god, Seiya!" Usagi walked up to her and threw her arms around her waist, resting her chin on her shoulder. "I can't believe it's you! You're here!"

Seiya embraced Usagi's shoulders, her body relaxing from rigidity into relief. She looked at the rest of the inners for a wordless explanation for Usagi's state, but they all gave her a thumbs-up or an O-K hand sign, inferring what was happening was a good thing.

"Good god, Usagi, it's only us." Yaten put a hand on her hip and took a sip of her drink. Reading rooms weren't her specialty.

Usagi didn't even hear her, as she was deep in another rare moment of bliss and genuine forgetfulness of the pain. Seeing her old friend was truly unexpected and gave her brain a small break from the overthinking and hopelessness. For the first time in months, the happiness was real; it was barely alive as that tiny ember within the ashes, which managed to flicker only when it wanted to. Usagi even laughed as a natural release and tightened her hold on Seiya's waist. She never wanted to let go—of the feeling or of Seiya. As far as she knew right now, they were the same.

The Starlight sunk into her arms overwhelmed with that sense of strong adoration and affection coursing through her body all over again, and only from seeing her for barely a minute. How was it she was still able to do this to her? Not even Kyo gave her such a feeling in all their years together. And oh, was Usagi more beautiful than she remembered. Her light was still enough to provide noticeable warmth, but Seiya felt it was noticeably dimmer than before. And there was such darkness eclipsing this light. She recalled how much of a fight she put up not to come and felt a sudden wave of guilt to think if she were successful.

Odango, are you okay?

"Hey, not to interrupt, but dinner is in an hour." Taiki tapped on Seiya's shoulder.

"I'm so sorry! How are you both?" Usagi sniffled and slinked away from Seiya to give proper huggy welcomes to the other two.

Once the newness wore off, Yaten offered to touch up Usagi's makeup and led her into the bathroom. Seiya wasted no time out of her presence to question the remaining four guardians on what the hell just happened, but didn't get much out of them. They could only tell her in four different ways that she was depressed.

Usagi soon emerged from the bathroom with a flawless face of makeup. Yaten took some liberties by adding more shadow and shading to her eyes, presenting a woman ready to take on the town. And to Seiya's pleasure, Usagi beelined it for her, giving her another small hug around her waist.

"I can't believe it's you. You look so good!" She couldn't help but notice the subtle yet obvious muscle definition in the Starlight's bare arms and shoulders, which gracefully extended from under her thin-strapped little black dress. Not to mention the S-curve of her body was out of this world and quite enviable. Compared to Usagi's memories of Seiya as a boy, seeing her in her pure form of an elegant adult woman had her mesmerized.

"Thank you. So do you, Odango!"

Usagi wrapped a small hair tendril around her finger and waved a dismissive hand. "Yaten is really good at covering the wear and tear."

Seiya shook her head with a smile as she grabbed a fresh beverage from the kitchen island counter. "I made you a drink."

"Ooh thank you!" Usagi accepted it and took her first sip. "So, this is actually your hotel room? How long have you been here?"

"For about a week. It took us a few days to get settled in."

"And you called Mina first? How long has she known you were here?"

Seiya looked up in thought. "Uhh, since… Wednesday?"

"I can't believe her. Keeping you all to herself." Usagi pouted.

Wait, keeping you all to herself, or you all to herself? Fuck it, don't think about stupid stuff, Seiya.

"Not for long," Seiya winked. "The surprise was her idea."

"How long are you here for? Why are you here? Not that… it matters… but it's been twelve years and you all suddenly show up!" Usagi widened her eyes to show her excited curiosity.

"We're here for business actually."

She nodded, expecting Seiya to expound, but the silence wore on. "Okay…"

"It's… really boring. We can explain later." Seiya tried to suppress her uneasiness with a big sip of her whiskey. All three Starlights agreed not to divulge anything tonight as there were still discussions to be had on how they would approach the Earth guardians on their political matters.

Before more conversation could continue, Minako took it upon herself to announce the countdown.

"Ten minutes to finish up and then we're calling the Ubers!"

Dinner was a chaotic and seemingly endless feast. If Seiya didn't know any better and was maybe drunker, she would not have picked up on Usagi's depression; however, the nuance of her barely touching her meal was a glaring sign if there was one. Seiya even offered a taste of her own food (which included probably some of the best french fries she has ever tasted), to which the bunhead declined.

Seiya was concerned Usagi didn't have much to eat during the day either, and Yaten was getting ridiculous with the multiple rounds of shots. Luckily they were all fruity, sweet mixtures with more liqueur than alcohol, and Usagi was still able to balance in her monster heels once they made it to the nightclub.

Usagi rode the wave of happy drunkenness for a majority of the night, but then Seiya noticed the disassociation kicking in after a couple of hours of dancing. Her cerulean eyes would look down into the distance at nothing, and she would sway her body out of rhythm. Sometimes she stopped to take in a few deep breaths and then a huge sip of her drink of sweet, sparkling wine in efforts to reclaim the high. After a while, when even the others began to notice Usagi's falling mood, Seiya whispered in her ear, "Let's get some air."

Usagi smiled big and nodded without a word. Seiya grabbed her hand to lead her through the crowd and out into the outdoor seating area. They were able to find a padded bench nestled in a corner.

"Seiya," Usagi slurred as she fell into the seat. "I need to tell you something."

Seiya, from the other side of the bench, leaned in in hopes Usagi would maybe begin to open up about her mental issues.

"I just… can't get over how good you look. You look so good!"

Well, she'll take that, too. The Starlight blushed and touched her shoulder to her cheek in flattery. "Thank you, Odango."

"But I mean you're in such good shape and just look so pretty! And like you were cute back then but you're like, gorgeous now! Every single guy in there was staring at you."

Seiya's blush reached her ears and she clammed up. Could she be hitting on her? But then again, this could be construed as drunken straight-woman talk, too… right? All this thinking was really making her head spin faster. Calm down.

"Odango, stop. You're so sweet." She erred on the side of friendship. "But so are you! You wear that dress beautifully." There were a lot more compliments that she wanted to say, but were way too inappropriate for a married woman, and fortunately, the whiskey was a weak foe against her inhibitions for tonight.

"Ugh, this dress is so old and I'm so out of shape." Usagi poked her relatively small, soft, squishy bicep.

"You still look beautiful, Odango." Seiya cocked her head with a smile. She could tell Usagi was self-conscious, almost like she didn't believe her.

Usagi changed the direction of the conversation. "Are you all like, still transforming and stuff?"

"Oh yes, every day—training and still serving in the palace. What about you?"

"Um, no… not at all." She laughed and shook her head.

"Well, that's good, right? It means no enemies?"

"Sure." Usagi looked into the depths of her cup longer than what was deemed normal before throwing back the rest of her drink. "Honestly, I don't think I would remember how to fight if anything ever happened. I can't even find my brooch."

"I lose mine way more than I'd like to admit. Don't feel bad about that." Seiya began to brush her hair with her fingers, which laid over her left shoulder.

God, even her hair was so fucking gorgeous. That volume, that shine… it probably smelled good, too. Usagi wondered about burying her face in it, unable to resist gaping into the raven void as she rested her chin on her hand.

"So, how's Mamoru?" Seiya cut through the silence and stole a glance down at her own hair to make sure she didn't have some leaf or bug hanging out in there if that's what Usagi was looking at.

Focus! Eyes up and ahead! "Uhhh he's good. He just finished his resisidenency… and is a doctor now!"

Seiya snickered at her slur. "That's nice. And did you get married when he was still in school?" She also couldn't ignore the giant pink rock on her hand all night.

"Oh, um," Usagi looked down at her ring as if she forgot it was there. "Yes. It'll be ten years in December."

"Wow, congratulations." Was that convincing? Her fake smile looked more like a grimace.

"Thanks. He proposed right after you guys left. And he's such a huge romantic, that he wanted to get married that year. 'Cause, you know, we were both still traumatized about his death and stuff. But my parents wanted me to wait until I graduated."

"I'm glad it all worked out, though." Seiya threw her hair behind her back with one swipe; if she played with it anymore, she would create more tangles than remove them. "What about you personally? What have you been up to?"

"Um," Usagi then really got tense, but she was enjoying the talk with Seiya, so she kept talking. "I'm unemployed… but y'know, taking it easy."

"How has that been going?"

"Yeah, it's been um… it's, um… it's been okay." She tittered. "I have been learning the hard way that life has its own plans for you."

"The hard way?"

"Well," she leaned in to whisper, but still spoke at a normal volume. "You remember when I told you about Crystal Tokyo and my child from the future?"

It took Seiya a few seconds, but the lightbulb did go off. She even snapped her fingers. "Yes! Yes, I remember that."

"Well, that was supposed to happen like, a while ago. But Mamo thought it would be good for us to put it off. Because, in hindsight, when we met our future selves, we felt they were a bit… out of touch with the people? So we decided to continue with this life to know what it's like for them. And we can be better rulers, y'know?" Usagi gestured her arms about as she gazed intently into Seiya's eyes. "So then Pluto made it so that we will be reborn one more time and Crystal Tokyo will happen in the next lifetime. Or, y'know, if we decide then to put it off again, the next-next one." The blonde nodded, proud of herself for getting through that explanation.

Maybe the whiskey wasn't that much of a weakling. Seiya smacked her tongue against the roof of her mouth, focusing on a consistent reference in Usagi's language.

"Seems like Mamoru likes to make a lot of plans for you."

"Oh no, no!" Usagi waved her hands in defense. "We talked it out with the rest of the guardians and they agreed it would be a good idea, too! And Mamo, he's… he's always been like that—when he makes plans, everything goes right. When I make plans, I can't even remember them. I'd lose my brain if it weren't in my head."

Seiya broke through serious protectiveness with a giant smile, deciding at the moment maybe she should play nice a little longer before voicing her opinions on Usagi's life choices. "Well, thank goodness for that."

"What's that?" Usagi furrowed her brow.

She leaned in closer and spoke louder. "Thank goodness for that."

"For what?"

"Your brain being in your head."

Usagi sighed and blinked at Seiya with an apologetic face. "What were we talking about, again?"

The Starlight nearly laughed herself off the bench. "It's time for some water."

Usagi leaned against the front brick wall of the night club sipping on her cold water through a straw. Her red clutch was tucked below her underarm as she grasped the plastic cup with both hands. Taiki and Yaten stood nearby chatting as Seiya walked over from the group of the four inner guardians standing separately a few feet away.

"We're splitting up the rides four and four. Odango, do you have the app to call the taxi?"

She sang out an "uh-huh" and handed the purse to Seiya, who opened it up to see the pocket holding her cell phone lit up with an incoming call.

"It's Mamoru." Seiya had grabbed the device and held it up to show the screen.

"Can you answer it for me?" Usagi pooched out her bottom lip.

Seiya complied, swiping her thumb on the screen to answer. "Hey Mamo, how's it going?" That one got a hissy laugh out of Usagi.

"Hmm, I'd call you 'Usa,' but it sounds like your phone has been stolen."

She rolled her eyes. What a boring joke. "It's Seiya."

"I figured it was one of you. Is everything okay? I haven't heard from Usa."

"Yes, things are fine. We're about to call a taxi."

"Wow, she's still out?" Mamoru smiled to himself. "Did she have fun?"

"I think so. If her shot count is any indication." Seiya looked to the referenced party girl, who did a little shoulder dance of victory with the straw back in her mouth.

He chuckled. "That's good. She needed it."

"Yes, for sure. We had a lot of fun. She should be home in about thirty."

"Okay. If she forgets the key code, it's 7392."

She raised an eyebrow. "Are you not home?"

"No, I'm at work."

"Oh shit." Seiya buried her hand in her hair to scratch her head, trying to recall if Usagi mentioned anything about that sometime in the night. "Uh, yeah, she's pretty drunk, though. She might need help."

"Yeah, I have like six more hours of my shift. Can she stay with you?"

Seiya could feel her heartbeat in her ears and the butterflies slamming against her stomach. She shot a glance at the bunhead, who was distracted offering some of her hydrating beverage to Taiki.

"Sure… we can take her for the night."

"That would work perfectly. Thank you for that. I can pick her up in the morning."

"Okay, I'll let her know. I'm sure she'll call you."

"Thanks, Seiya."

"Bye, Mamo." Seiya hung up and Usagi tipped her chin to indicate to the Starlight to fill her in on the conversation.

"So, Odango, do you want to come back to the hotel with us? Mamoru isn't home, and we don't think it's a good idea for you to be by yourself."

Usagi gasped with childlike excitement. "Like a sleepover?"

With a blush taking over her face once again, Seiya grinned. "Yeah, exactly."