This chapter contains references to anxiety and depression. Please read at your own discretion.
But also, please enjoy :)
"Lady (On Film)" by Chromatics
Usagi finished changing into one of Yaten's two-piece nighties before sitting cross-legged at the head of the bed. Still working on her hydration assignment, she tipped her plastic cup to catch the remaining water sitting below the partially melted ice, opening her pink lips to welcome a small, soft cube and crunching on it. Her mouth was enveloped in a refreshing coldness as her cerulean eyes took in her surroundings, her nose enjoying the mixtures of fresh hotel sheets and floral body spray.
"You okay, Odango?" Seiya stood in the bedroom doorway barefoot and still dressed.
Usagi nodded fervently. "Yes! How are Yaten and Taiki?"
"Passed out." Seiya chuckled and moved her hair over her shoulder as she glided into the room with both arms reaching from above for her zipper; one arm grabbed at the dangling piece and the other held the hem. She stopped when she reached the sliding door closet on the far side of the room, her back to the sobering blonde.
"Yaten must be really drunk." Usagi placed her cup on the nightstand. "She was even undressing before we got in the door."
Seiya's zipper had been lowered enough for her to reach from below and drag it down to open her dress all the way to her tailbone.
"Yaten gets naked all the time, she doesn't have to be drunk."
Usagi's cheeks blushed on queue, seeing the garment part open to reveal Seiya's black bra. Though her imagination wouldn't have time to fill in the blanks as Seiya freed her arms and allowed the dress to drop to her feet, revealing black-laced cheeky panties and that the bra was strapless. Seiya then kicked the dress within the closet and began sifting through the clothes on the hangers.
There it was—the body of the guardian—a memory so faded, a physique impossible to reclaim. Usagi stiffened in a warm and wordless daze, her eyes tracing the lines and curves of Seiya's svelte figure. With each movement of her body, the light hit and shadow formed just right, enhancing another muscle Usagi didn't know the name of. As her eyes moved downward, Seiya's back dimples caught her stare as if beckoning her, producing an anxious sensation within her. However, it was very unlike the anxiety she had been feeling for the past few months; it was one that she hadn't felt since a few months ago, one that went below her stomach…
The bunhead couldn't handle herself so she lowered her head while covering her eyes with a cupped hand. Seiya couldn't have been more unaware of Usagi's inner dilemma and kept speaking.
"For as much as she likes to shop, we see more of her underwear than anything."
"Um, Seiya," Usagi spoke up just above a mouse squeak. "Do you need me to leave?"
The Starlight turned her head to face Usagi with a furrowed brow. "No, why?" She was rendered more confused as she saw the blonde with her eyes shielded.
Why is she making this so hard? Usagi gulped and winced. "Well… you're… changing…"
Seiya finally put two and two together and borrowed some of Usagi's blush. "Oh, sorry!" She brushed her hair with her fingers and lay it over her shoulders in a nervous attempt to cover herself. "We just all change in front of each other all the time. I'm sorry—"
"Oh okay! It's okay!" Usagi assured her. Not to say she never saw a butt cheek or boob here and there with her friends, but she never felt this bothered before.
Not wanting Seiya to feel bad, Usagi kept talking. "It makes sense if you do it all the time with Taiki and Yaten!"
"Well, all the guardians." Seiya clarified. "We live on top of each other for the most part so there's very little privacy. And our uniforms don't leave much to the imagination either."
"That's true!" She giggled. She was still so warm in her face, she felt her hand absorbing some heat.
Silence then hung heavy in the room for a few moments as neither of them moved. Though Seiya's brain for once failed her not and reminded her what she was doing in the closet. She took the initiative to break the ice.
"Actually Odango, I want to show you something. Keep your eyes covered!"
"Okay!" Usagi was grateful to get past the awkwardness. She even cupped her other hand over her eyes to reassure Seiya and herself that she wouldn't look.
Several moments passed before she heard Seiya shout, "Okay, open!"
She lowered her hands and lifted her head to see Seiya donning the famous red jacket. It swallowed her whole as the shoulder pads nearly reached her earlobes and the sleeves allowed only the tips of her fingers to peek out. Despite all three front buttons being fastened, her lacily-constrained cleavage was on full display and the length stopped just below her bottom.
"Can you believe I still have this?" Seiya laughed whilst turning and twisting her body as if she was modeling. "I thought I was so cool back then wearing this. It's so ugly!"
Usagi tried to smile; she tried to use every muscle in her face to make the ends of her mouth curl, but they wouldn't budge. If it wasn't weird to use her fingers for help she would have done it, because she oh-so-badly wanted to be excited. But instead, she had to bite into her lips to hold back from bursting into tears.
The mere sight of that jacket brought all the memories back—the battles, the concerts, the letters, the date, the rooftop… but most of all it made her remember the times when she was truly happy; times when her smiles and laughter were genuine. She knew a life as a guardian, a life with purpose, a life that wasn't hers anymore… And she knew a girl who fought for love and justice, a girl who knew nothing of this pain, a girl whom she now regarded as a complete stranger…
Her eyes gave her away as streams of silent tears fell down her cheeks. However, as she covered them in a weak attempt to hide, she sobbed as if she stopped holding her breath. But alas, the composure crumbled, and the bunhead was reduced to a loud, weeping mess.
Seiya wasted no time running over to Usagi and sat atop the bed across from her. How she managed to make her cry two times in one night was nothing less than worrisome. What the exact trigger was, Seiya didn't know, however she considered herself a common denominator.
"Odango, are you okay? What's wrong? Did I do something?"
Usagi released her wet and red face which emanated such a sadness that made Seiya's heart twist.
"No, Seiya. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I'm like this."
"Like what?"
"It's just… I… there's something wrong with me."
"Tell me, Odango."
She managed to explain through a series of sobs. "I don't know why… I've been having panic attacks and have been really sad, but I don't know what happened. I was sitting with Mamo one day and suddenly felt like I was gonna die and then it never went away."
Usagi began to heave trying to control herself; she was afraid to wake up the liquor-induced sleeps of Taiki and Yaten. Seiya, noticing her struggle, grabbed her hand in consolation, and she found the strength to continue.
"I don't know how to get out of this… I don't know how I got here! I'm trying so hard to be normal, but I don't know how anymore. Seeing you in the jacket just reminded me of a time when I was so useful and happy, and I want to be her again so badly. I don't know who I am anymore." She dropped her head. "I'm so sorry, Seiya. I'm so sorry you have to see me like this."
Seiya enveloped her in a tight hug, her cheek resting atop her head. Usagi took two handfuls of Seiya's sleeves as she continued crying into her shoulder.
"There is nothing wrong with you, Odango." Seiya whispered. "Don't apologize."
"I don't mean to unload on you. I just… it just hurts so much. I'm so sorry I cry so much."
"It's okay to unload, it's okay to cry. I understand exactly how you're feeling."
Usagi sniffled and sat up to have her glossy eyes meet Seiya's as a sudden calmness overtook her demeanor.
No one has ever said that to her.
"Really? You understand?"
Seiya nodded. "Of course. I know it's hard. I know right now it hurts so much to wake up every day, and you regret that you even opened your eyes. That even in your dreams, you can't escape it. And trying to do normal things is the hardest thing in the world right now."
Fresh tears now fell out of relief more than anything. "So you got better?"
The Starlight showed a smile she prayed would give the blonde hope. "Yes, and so will you."
"But how?" Usagi's grasp tightened. "Please tell me how you did it, Seiya."
She gently took Usagi's hands from her sleeves to hold them with sincerity.
"It'll take time, Odango, but you keep holding on. You will get stronger and you will get out of this. I know it's hard not to beat yourself up, but stop telling yourself there's something wrong with you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! You are still normal no matter how you feel. There is a reason you feel this way and it's okay that you do."
"But how do I get out of this when I don't know the reason? My life is great—I married Mamo and we're happy, there have been no attacks—where did this come from?"
Seiya inwardly winced that Usagi had to lead with that reasoning, but it was further verification of the theory she had stewing in her mind. She looked down while ruminating over their conversations throughout the night.
"Tell me, Odango, when did this all start?"
Usage freed her hands to wipe her face. "About three months ago."
"And Mamoru, when did he start working nights?"
"Beginning of the year in January." She sniffled. "Why? Do you think this has something to do with Mamo?"
Seiya bit into her lips as she looked to Usagi, trying to choose the right words through the fog of her diminishing buzz. "Perhaps. I know you mentioned that he is the planner out of the two of you."
"Do you think he's the cause?" Her eyes were confused and curious.
"No… not really." Seiya paused. "I just think that maybe you don't think enough about what you want."
"What do you mean?"
"You mentioned tonight that Crystal Tokyo was supposed to happen a while ago but it was postponed. So if Mamoru hadn't suggested putting it off, I would be talking to you as a queen right now, right?"
Usagi nodded. "I guess. Yeah."
"But you're not a queen, you're still Usagi Tsukino."
More nodding. "Right."
"And you aren't supposed to be Usagi Tsukino right now."
"Um," she shrugged, her eyes shifting. "No, I… guess not."
"Do you follow me, Odango?" Seiya's voice rose with eagerness, her hands gesturing to help drive her point, the words now flowing out like liquid courage. "You weren't meant to be Usagi this long! She only existed to help you pass through to become this queen. You didn't have time or a reason to think about your present or future as Usagi because she was supposed to be gone by now. Usagi's whole existence was based on being Sailor Moon and then becoming a queen, but then you lost those identities and were left with this… this… hollow foundation, supported only by Mamoru planning the next step for you. And then when he started his job and you were left on your own, you had to truly think for yourself, and it was a very scary thing."
Seiya couldn't decipher if Usagi looked more outraged or overwhelmed with realization as she stared back in silence with her mouth agape. It took her a few moments before she scrunched her face and narrowed her eyes. "I… I can think for myself."
The Starlight wasn't surprised at the response and decided to keep poking the sleeping rabbit.
"You said earlier that your life is great because you married Mamoru and there are no enemies. What else makes Usagi's life great?"
"A lot!" Usagi sniffled and darted her eyes upward to help herself think. She began counting down on her fingers. "I… I have a good job that I liked… had a good job, but they said I'm always welcomed back! I… I have good friends! I have a house, a big house! I… um… "
She finally looked Seiya in the eye, who was looking back with a softened but unconvinced face; all those things were purely extrinsic. Of course, Usagi's mind decided to completely blank on the list of reasons she had lined up to throw at Seiya, which only pissed her off. The rabbit was awake.
"I have lots of great things in my life, okay? You don't know everything! You've been gone for twelve years and suddenly show up and tell me everything that's wrong with my life? You have no idea what I've done!"
Seiya remained calm, though she couldn't suppress the uneasiness and regret in the pit of her stomach. "I know, Odango. But I do know pain and I understand how much you're hurting. I'm just trying to help you—"
"Well, this isn't it! This isn't helping!" The red face and tears returned.
"Okay, okay… I'm sorry. Please, Odango… I didn't mean anything by it." She wanted to reach out to hug her again and apologize ten thousand times. But before Seiya could make any movement, Usagi flinched up off the bed and stomped toward the bathroom.
"I need to be alone for a second."
She didn't close the door which made Seiya feel a little bit better about herself; Usagi didn't want to completely shut her out. For several moments, the sounds of faint sniffling echoed into the bedroom, but then it was silent for what seemed like forever.
Seiya kept her place on the bed, debating if she should go in or leave her alone. She kept berating herself for saying the things she did, the way that she did… She tried to be so careful with her words but got caught up in the moment. Usagi was right—who was she to make such judgments? Seiya had no idea what she had done with her life between now and then. She should have kept her mouth shut and simply have been there for her friend and listened, not try to solve her problems.
She caught the time on the alarm clock sitting on the nightstand: 2:58 AM. She completely forgot to tell Usagi that Mamoru was going to swing by later to pick her up. Yes, that's the excuse to go in there: tell her it was best that she get to bed to feel only slightly less like trash when she had to wake up.
Seiya took her time in her journey to the bathroom, her bare feet making loud, sticky sounds as they came up off the floor. Usagi heard her coming, but didn't move from her place sitting on the tile against the wall by the doorway, nor did she wait for Seiya to say anything.
"Mamo isn't a bad guy, y'know." Usagi murmured as she kept her gaze on her lap, picking at the ends of her hair. "He's always trying to get me to do things by myself or with my friends. He's really the opposite of controlling."
Usagi was talking to her and not yelling—a good sign, indeed. Seiya tucked her hair behind her ear, only to then grab it in its entirety to bring it over her shoulder.
"I wasn't trying to say that, I promise." She grabbed a towel and plopped it on the floor by Usagi, using it as a cushion to spare her bottom from the coldness of the tile as she sat down against the wall.
"I'm sorry, Odango. I'm still a little bit drunk right now and wasn't thinking. I didn't mean to upset you."
Usagi chose to not respond with words, and instead shifted in her position to be closer to Seiya and lay her head on her shoulder. Seiya felt her stomach explode and release a thousand butterflies. Did this mean she forgives her?
"Would you tell me of your pain, Seiya?" Usagi purred as she wrapped her arms around one of Seiya's and pulled her knees up. "Unless you don't want to. I know I won't be able to help but, I can listen… In case you don't have anyone to talk to."
Seiya gulped as the flyaways of Usagi's bangs tickled her cheek and chin. Her own hair was twirled around her fingers as she dug deep to find the courage to open up.
"When we first arrived, it was a shock for us in so many ways. We never had a reason to have civilian identities on Kinmoku. We were only Fighter, Healer, and Maker since we were born. But here on Earth, we had to disguise ourselves and be other people… But it didn't feel that way for me. I felt more like myself than I ever had. I was able to be a musician, an actor, a student… so many things other than being a guardian." Seiya found the calmness from her confession to rest her cheek on Usagi's head.
Usagi let out a small snort. "No wonder you were so confident."
Seiya returned the sentiment before resuming her solemn tone. "But then we came back and I was hit with the reality of working in the palace. Since leaving Earth, I realized how much of myself I gave away when I took my oath as a guardian. I can't get married or have kids, I can't play music… My duties come first, second, and last, and I'll never be more than the brooch on my chest. Even though I'm reminded of that every day, sometimes it's still a hard reality to accept." A pair of light blue eyes obscured by platinum bangs flashed in Seiya's mind, but that image would be soon forgotten once Usagi grabbed her hand and rubbed her thumb on the back of it.
"I'm so sorry, Seiya. For what it's worth, you're more than a guardian to me."
It was worth more than Usagi would ever know. Seiya managed a small smile and a small nuzzle of her head. "Thanks, Odango."
"I'm glad you have good memories here. Those days were good for me, too. You helped me stay strong, especially when I wouldn't hear from Mamo."
"You helped me too, Odango." Seiya squeezed Usagi's hand and let her brain act upon itself for one second. "You accepted me for everything that I was. That's why I liked you so much."
She was quiet for half a beat. "What do you mean?"
"Hmm?"
"That you liked me."
Um, what? That was common knowledge, right? Usagi remembered their talk before their final concert… right? Did she really forget?
"Remember I had a crush on you?"
Usagi freed her head from below Seiya's to look at her with amusement. "You did?"
Seiya's cheeks now matched the color of her jacket as she stared back at the bunhead in disbelief. "You don't remember?"
"I never knew!"
Shit, she really didn't get it. What had Seiya done? How did this happen? Abort! Abort! She broke eye contact and her grasp on Usagi's hand before rolling on her knees in an attempt to stand up.
"Yeah, it was—it's not a big deal—Let's get to bed! Mamoru is picking you up in a few hours!"
"No, no, no, no, no, no! Seiya, Seiya, Seiya!" Usagi grasped Seiya's arm with both hands to keep her on the floor, her eyes sparkling in earnest. "Please, wait, please!"
God, that look… Usagi didn't even need to use her hands to shackle her.
"You… you had feelings?" Usagi's voice held a mixture of pity and enthusiasm and the tiny ember inside managed to produce a glow about her.
"Odango, it was a long time ago. It's not a big deal." No big deal, you were just desperately in love with her… and still are.
"That's so funny. I mean, it's not funny, but I would have never guessed."
"Really?" Everyone used to joke that even blind people picked up on it.
"I just thought that's how you treated all girls." Usagi looked down as she shrugged, a small blush forming on her cheeks. "I would have never believed that you liked me when you had so many pretty girls after you."
"Well," Seiya tried to find the words, to tell the truth without being so bold; Usagi already walked away from her once tonight. "They didn't have your light."
Usagi looked to be on the verge of tears again, but this time she was smiling. She released her hold from Seiya and wiped away the salty discharge before they could start their descent. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable…"
"It's okay, Odango. But we should really get to bed."
Usagi nodded in agreement. Seiya stood first and offered a helping hand to her, which she accepted. They both strolled out of the bathroom with Seiya stopping in the middle of the room as Usagi kept walking toward the bed.
The Starlight noticed the empty cup on the nightstand and announced, "I'll get you more water," before walking out to the kitchen to grab a water bottle from the refrigerator. Once she returned, half-expecting Usagi to be passed out, she instead saw she was sitting up in bed atop the covers, still relatively wide-eyed. She placed the bottle on the nightstand.
"Thank you, Seiya." Usagi suddenly had a somber mood to her. "Where are you sleeping?"
"The couch in the living room has a pull-out," Seiya answered as she walked away to a set of drawers and opened one to dig for a tee shirt. She rummaged through a small stack to look for a particular extra large blue one… she swore she put it in this drawer… Ah, there it is—
"Did you mean it, Seiya?"
She paused in her search to look at Usagi staring deep into her soul with an expectant gaze. Seiya had a gut feeling she knew what she was asking, but she didn't want to err on the side of assumption.
"Did I mean what?"
"That you had a crush on me."
Seiya was baffled as to why she wanted to keep talking about it. For one, it made her nervous as hell, but for two, she would assume Usagi would want to forget about it the minute she heard it; she's happily married after all. However, if she insisted, Seiya didn't want to evade it or lie. She respected her too much.
Seiya pulled out the shirt and closed the drawer. "Yes, Odango."
"Really? You can tell me the truth."
"I am. Why would I lie to you?"
"To make me feel better."
Seiya sighed and walked over to the bed to emphasize her honesty for Usagi, however, the blonde folded her legs to the side as an invitation for Seiya to sit, never breaking her imploring stare.
Seiya's curiosity and nervousness formed that familiar lump in her throat. Ah, she wanted to keep talking about this for real… This is probably better anyway for her to let Seiya down gently instead of them suppressing it to the recesses of their drunken memories and being all awkward about it later. So she sat down, doing her best to remain calm and reserved, and smiled with as much sincerity as she could show.
"There are plenty of ways to make you feel better without lying to you."
Usagi was quiet for a few moments and shifted her eyes. "What about now?"
Seiya chuckled. "I'm not lying about not lying to you—"
"No I mean, do you still have a crush on me now… even though I'm like this?"
Seiya inhaled a shaky breath through her nose, due to the lump growing big enough to choke her. Usagi looked down for a moment, sorry she asked such an uncomfortable question, but at the same time, not sorry.
Why was she making this so hard? Why was she so curious? Was this a prank? Maybe this whole "I never knew" act was part of a ploy to get her to this point and punish her for her behavior back then. Improbable, most likely. Impossible? No.
What do you want from me, Odango? But who was Seiya kidding, she would give her life five times over for the emotional wreck in front of her, no matter the motive. This was a chance for her to be something else besides a palace guardian, even if it was a plaything… or best case scenario, a friend. And Usagi was the only person she would ever oblige, just to take her pain away even for a second. She needed her…
"Of course, Odango. As long your light keeps shining, so will my feelings." Fuck, she was going to regret that in the morning.
Or maybe not… In a relative, unexpected turn of events, Usagi wrapped her arms around Seiya's shoulders and placed her face in the crook of her neck. Tingles made their way up and down Seiya's body as she felt the blonde's eyelashes on her skin.
"I'm so glad you're here, Seiya." Usagi's muffled voice sounded.
She returned the hug, sinking into her hold. "Me too."
They held onto each other for a while, and Seiya nearly fell asleep on her shoulder. She couldn't have asked for things to turn out better—getting a second chance after upsetting Usagi and she managed to salvage their political plans in the meantime. Yes, Seiya had to remind herself of her mission once again, but for now… now she wanted to savor the moment in her sweet embrace.
Seiya then felt Usagi loosening her body and pulling away. Naturally, she did the same, though she felt at the same time they were getting closer…
She felt her cheek graze over hers and stop as she reached the front of her face… feeling her warm erratic breath on her mouth, the soft tops of her lips brushing her own, the tightening squeeze of her hands, the heaviness of her desires, the smell of her excitement…
And then finally, the feeling of her kiss.