Upon arriving at the Temple of Fortitude, Xenudah curled into a ball on the bed in the room he and his father shared. He felt so miserable. He held his knees to his chest as if he were trying to protect himself.
"My son, I'm right here..." Yakunan whispered. He walked over to Xenudah.
Xenudah looked up at him. "Dad..." he choked. He shuddered and curled tighter into the position he was in.
Yakunan sat down right next to him. He rubbed his son's back, trying to soothe him. He could feel his son's body tremble as he reached over and held him tight. "You're going to be alright," he whispered. "I'm right here… I'll take care of you…"
Xenudah sniffled. "I'm so...so sorry, Dad," he muttered.
"Shhhhhhhh…" Yakunan tried to soothe him. "There's nothing for you to apologize for, my son. I will always protect you."
"I...don't want to lose you again," Xenudah said, sniffling.
Yakunan bit his lip, looking at his son. "I promise," he said. He bent over to hold his son in his arms.
Xenudah cried harder, more violently, into his dad's chest, holding onto him for dear life. He didn't want to let go. He felt so safe in his father's arms. Xenudah felt himself slowly drifting slightly out of consciousness, but not fully. The feeling of his father's warm embrace was getting harder and harder to resist. He closed his eyes, sighing. He was finding it difficult to keep his eyes open. And all he wanted to do was sleep and forget about everything.
"My dear Xenudah..." Yakunan whispered, pressing kisses repeatedly on the top of his son's head. "My child... I'm sorry..."
"Apaiya... It hurts..."
"I know, love... It'll be okay..."
"No it's not!" Xenudah wailed, pushing himself away and curling into a ball on the bed. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! IT HURTS SO BAD!" Xenudah screamed, clutching at his chest. "IT DOESN'T STOP!" He sobbed, tears falling from his eyes.
"Shhhhh, sweetheart..." Yakunan hushed his son. "It'll stop soon." He pulled his son close, pulling him against his chest, holding him tightly. "It'll be alright, love." He kissed the top of his son's head, rocking him softly.
"Please..." Xenudah whimpered, sobbing into his father. "Don't leave me... Don't leave me alone..."
"I'm not leaving you, my son." Yakunan ran his hand through Xenudah's soft hair soothingly. "I'll never leave you. I love you."
"H-Hurts…" Xenudah whimpered.
"I know... I know…" Yakunan sighed. "You're tired, aren't you? You haven't been sleeping."
Xenudah nodded, burying his face deeper into his father's chest. "I've been having nightmares… Nightmares where we are being chased by the Oni, and they're eating us alive," he shivered. "They eat me alive... They devour my flesh and make me their puppet..." Xenudah trembled, gripping onto his father's haori.
"Shhh..." Yakunan rocked Xenudah. "Everything will be alright... Please, rest, my boy. Please…"
"Nnnnghhh..." Xenudah groaned in anguish, clinging to his father's haori. "Nnnnnnnnggghhgggh..." He sobbed desperately. Xenudah felt pain in his head as a wave of nausea hit him suddenly. He whimpered, squeezing his eyes shut. He was so scared. "I... I can't take this anymore…" Xenudah murmured quietly, whimpering. "I c...can't take it...anymore... I...I just want it...all to end…"
"I'm sorry you feel so bad, Xenu…" Yakunan cooed softly. "We'll get better. We'll heal together. It will pass."
"I'm s..so tired…"
"I know, baby… Lie here…stay by my side…I love you…" Yakunan wrapped his arm around his son, holding him close. Xenudah laid on his dad's chest, sobbing quietly as he clutched onto his father's haori, letting out shaky, quiet breaths as he rested.
"Do you think it'll always be like this?"
"I wish I knew for sure… But... If things continue like this… It looks like it won't change any time soon. Sooner or later…it will just hurt so badly…and then, we will both have to learn how to deal with the pain that comes after it, one way or another."
"Will you stay with me forever?"
"As long as you need me," Yakunan assured his child. "Xenudah, you're the light of my existence…the only reason I am still here is that you are my life itself…and I would give myself away for you, without even thinking twice."
"Please don't… I can't lose you…not again…" Xenudah whimpered.
"Xenudah, I will be here with you no matter what happens. I won't ever leave you. And I wouldn't abandon you for anyone else. No one else could ever compare, Xenu…I'm just lucky enough to have you as my own." Yakunan's voice cracked as he expressed his paternal adoration of his child. "I can't lose you too, little one… I won't allow myself to." He gently caressed his son's hair and held him closer. He couldn't help himself from tearing up again. He had already lost his whole family once before. He couldn't imagine losing his entire world again. "You're literally everything to me…"
Xenudah choked on a sob, breaking away from his father and curling into a tight ball as he continued to cry loudly. Tears flowed endlessly down his cheeks, dripping onto the blankets, landing on the sheets. He buried his head in his hands, crying hard, gasping as loud sobs racked through his thin frame.
"Xenudah...how long...how long has it been since you were truly happy? How long have you gone without happiness, my son?" Yakunan asked quietly, rubbing circles on the small of Xenudah's back.
"I-I can't remember anymore..." Xenudah replied between gasps of grief. He turned around and hugged his father tightly. "I'm so lonely..." He sobbed. "Please don't leave me, Dad."
"I will never leave you, Xenudah. You're my entire world. There's nowhere else that I'd rather be than right here, staying closely next to you…" Yakunan pressed kisses to his son's forehead as he comforted him. His fingers brushed gently through Xenudah's raven hair.
Xenudah clung to his father. He was exhausted. His mind was racing, overwhelmed. He felt completely helpless, as if nothing mattered anymore.
"Xenudah..." Yakunan said softly, running his fingers along his son's scalp. "Are you okay?"
Xenudah let out a soft sob and shook his head, while leaning back into his father's touch. He squeezed his eyes shut, clenching his teeth, trying desperately to fight back his tears.
"What's wrong?" Yakunan asked. He reached forward, wiping a tear from his son's cheek. "What's got you so upset?"
Xenudah sniffled loudly, burying his head in his paternal guardian's lap, hugging his knees tightly to his chest. He shook slightly. He didn't answer.
"Xenudah, please talk to me." Yakunan rubbed his son's back tenderly. "Tell me what's bothering you."
Xenudah sobbed. "Nnnghh... I'm so lonely, Dad..." He whimpered, closing his eyes tightly. "It hurts... A lot... It…hurts... It's like my heart is being ripped out...and then put back in all over again. Every time my body starts to relax… My heart begins to beat again... But the feeling doesn't go away… I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" He begins to sob uncontrollably, his cries growing louder and louder until he was screaming out loud, unable to keep them inside anymore. "I WANT TO GO HOME! I DON'T WANT THIS TO BE REAL! I DON'T WANT THIS LOSS TO HAPPEN AGAIN, FATHER! I CAN'T LOSE YOU AGAIN!"
Yakunan tightened his arms around his son. He closed his eyes, holding his child tightly. "Shhh… Let it all out, baby…" He cooed. "Come on… Let it all out." He rubbed circles on Xenudah's back soothingly. "Shhh... Let it all out, baby."
Xenudah cried and sobbed, convulsing. He tried hard to force himself to hold back his wails, but they just continued to spill forth from him.
"Xenu…" Yakunan cooed softly. "I know you hate feeling so sad. Believe me, I know… I know what it's like…" He whispered. "But if you don't let go of this anger… If you keep it inside…it'll only get worse… When it gets bad, you just keep pushing it aside until you finally can't take it anymore and scream out loud at whoever's close by… Myself included… I don't want you to keep holding it in, love… Do you understand?"
"I...I don't want it to happen..." Xenudah whimpered shakily, sobbing. "I can't stand the pain... I just want it to stop…"
"I know… But if you push it aside too much, your body might not be strong enough to handle it. Just try… Just try to let it all go." Yakunan urged, pulling his child closer and tighter against him.
"Mmm…" Xenudah whimpered as he curled up against his father. "I don't think my body is strong enough to bear such suffering…" Xenudah sniffled softly.
Yakunan sighed sadly. "If only you could see yourself now… You look exhausted… You're pale as death… And you don't seem to eat properly either… You're always so skinny… I worry about you..."
"Dad… It's so hard... It hurts so much…" Xenudah whimpered. "I want to get better... But I'm afraid that's impossible..." Xenudah sobbed.
"Xenudah, my baby…" Yakunan cooed softly. "How many times must I tell you? You are not alone... I'm right here with you. I won't go anywhere. I swear...I promise..." His voice cracked at the sight of seeing his child so undeniably broken. This wasn't healthy. He hated seeing his son so devastated. This wasn't the boy that he grew up with. This wasn't the child who used to smile brightly every day. This wasn't the little ray of sunshine that he'd seen through all these years.
This child was just a shell of the cheerful boy he remembered.
The child that he wanted nothing more than to protect was hurting, scared, and in pain. The one that he loved so dearly had become an empty shell, devoid of joy and love, devoid of warmth and kindness. He'd grown numb to anything and everyone. To laughter and to smiles...To love and hugs...Everything. He was lost and hurt and broken beyond repair. This was his son. But what had happened to him that had made him change? What had caused this child to turn into this broken creature who could no longer see the light within himself?
"I'm so sorry, Xenu...This is all my fault." Yakunan murmured softly as he rested his hand atop Xenudah's head. "I should've been more attentive... Shouldn't have allowed this to happen... Shouldn't have been so selfish." He kissed his son's forehead. Yakunan sat still, staring into his son's broken indigo orbs. After a while, he sighed, gently kissing his temple again. "My sweet boy…" He murmured softly, brushing Xenudah's hair with his fingers. "My brave little warrior. Don't you dare give up… Not when you have someone like me right next to you, ready to catch you if you fall…" His eyes softened, and his tone gentled. "You're going to be alright... I'm here, I'm not leaving you… I promise this time… You'll be alright…" He murmured. "You can trust me, Xenudah."
"Dad…" Xenudah mumbled softly, wrapping his arm around his father's waist, burying his face into his shoulder. He clung to him. He didn't know why his father was comforting him. He didn't deserve it. Everything was going so terribly wrong. How was he supposed to get through this? How was he supposed to get through any of this? He felt so confused and scared and alone and he couldn't breathe. He couldn't find solace. He couldn't find peace. He couldn't find any sort of relief. He didn't feel safe…He felt terrified… He hated feeling this way. He didn't know how to deal with this. He didn't know what to do… He didn't know what to say…
"I've got you, Xenudah… My child…" Yakunan cooed quietly, caressing his son's hair. "I've got you." He smiled warmly down at his son. "We're going to make it through this…" He smiled reassuringly at his son, gently rocking him back and forth, slowly rubbing his back. "We're going to be okay… We're going to get through this together…" He whispered softly. "No matter how bad it gets… No matter what happens… You're never going to be alone…" He let out a fragile sigh. "I'm too scared to lose you again...you're my whole world." He choked on a sob. "I'll never be able to forgive myself for letting you go."
"Apaiya…"
"Dear child…my sweet child…" Yakunan whispered, squeezing his son tightly to him. "My poor, darling little boy… Xenudah Yamiku Akurai...you are my everything. You are all I have left… My whole life has revolved around you. Your happiness is all that matters to me. You are my life and my future…" He paused, pressing soft kisses to his son's forehead. "I will always be there for you whenever you need me. Always. I will never leave you ever again…"
Xenudah wailed even harder, his entire body trembling. "APAAAAIIIIIYYYYAAAAAA!"
Yakunan held him closer. "You're broken, Xenu...so broken and so scared... I'm sorry I neglected you… I'm sorry I let this happen. If only I knew…" He took a deep breath in. "...This would never have happened." He pressed soft kisses atop his son's head. "I-If there's one thing that I learned from you over the years, it's how important you are to me. You're my family. You are my life. You are my everything…" He sighed softly. "I love you...and I always will… So, please… Please, never doubt that. Promise me that you'll never forget that…"
Xenudah only nodded, breaking away a moment to have a little bit of space between them. He buried his face into Yakunan's chest, taking shaky breaths. His entire body shook uncontrollably. His vision blurred and his heartbeat raced. All he felt was the fear and confusion…and pain and exhaustion. His entire being ached as if he'd just taken a beating, yet his entire body was sore, drained, and tired. "Hold me…" Xenudah whimpered desperately.
"Of course." Yakunan murmured, hugging him tightly once more, cradling him in his arms. "I'll never let go of you. I promise…" He pulled him in closer, brushing his hair as tears streamed down his cheeks. He was trying not to break down completely as well. The thought of losing his precious little boy after having fought so hard to protect him terrified him. He couldn't bear losing his only remaining connection to sanity. He couldn't bear watching him suffer in silence. He couldn't stand to see his precious child so sad. He couldn't–
"Dad..." Xenudah sobbed. "I'm sorry…"
"What is there to be sorry for?" Yakunan asked softly, wiping his tears away with his thumb.
"Everything…"
"Hush, Xenudah. Stop blaming yourself..." Yakunan sighed lightly. "Please don't blame yourself for this. It's all because of me. It is my fault that this has happened."
"It isn't," Xenudah murmured softly.
"But it is. It is all my fault. If only I had been stronger. If only I had been more protective. If only I could have done something... If only..." Yakunan trailed off sadly. "I love you, Xenu. I'll always love you… And I'll always be here for you… Whatever happens to us, we'll always have each other's backs, okay? We'll never be apart. Never again. Ever…"
"But… What am I going to do?" Xenudah sniffed. "I'm scared, Dad. I'm scared and confused. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know what's going to happen now. What am I going to do? What if they take you away?" Xenudah whimpered softly. "I'm afraid…" He breathed shakily. "I don't want to think about it anymore… It hurts… It hurts so much."
"I know, love…" Yakunan whispered softly. "I know… I'm so sorry…"
"Why does it have to hurt so much!?" Xenudah cried, clinging onto his father even tighter. "It wasn't supposed to go this far! I didn't do anything to deserve this!" His voice broke, his voice filled with sadness and desperation. "I don't understand… WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN?!"
"Shhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhh, shhhhh…" Yakunan brushed his son's hair. "Shhhh... I'm here, sweetheart… You don't have to explain anything… None of this is your fault. Oh, Xenu... Xenu, baby… I wish things could have turned out differently, but it doesn't matter now. We're both going to be alright… I'm here for you…" He kissed the top of Xenudah's head tenderly. "And we've got each other... We're together… I won't leave you behind again…"
"A-Apaiya… Apaiya...please, can I sleep here with you tonight? I don't wanna sleep alone… Not tonight." Xenudah whined, resting his head against Yakunan's chest. He curled up against him tightly, his eyes squeezed shut, his entire frame shaking. He could hear his father crying and he wanted nothing more than to cry too. To let go of all his pent-up anger, frustration, and sorrow. "Please don't leave me… Let me stay with you tonight... Just one night... I can't... I don't know if I can... I don't wanna be alone… Not tonight…" Xenudah whimpered.
"Oh, Xenu…" Yakunan whimpered, running his fingers through his son's hair lovingly. "I'd never leave you, no matter what. I wouldn't let anyone separate us ever again."
"AAAAPPPAAAAIIIIIYYYAAAA!" Xenudah shrieked.
Yakunan just held him, his heart shattering at his child's desperate cries. "Xenu... My dear boy... My child...what's gotten into you? You've never been this upset before...what could possibly be causing you so much distress?"
"Everything!" Xenudah cried loudly, burying his head further into Yakunan's chest. "Everything hurts! Everything scares me! Why is this happening? Am I gonna die someday? Am I going to disappear like you? Will you ever stop talking to me? I don't want to live without you anymore… I miss you! I really hate when you aren't with me!" He cried. "I feel so alone." He whimpered, gripping Yakunan tighter. "I-I don't want to be alone…" He sobbed quietly. "I can't bear to be alone…"
"Xenudah, look at me... Look at me," Yakunan said calmly. Xenudah slowly lifted his head, his deep indigo eyes red-rimmed and puffy. "We'll endure together...we always have. There's nowhere else…nowhere else I'd rather be right now... Right here with you... I'd never let anything happen to you. Nothing is going to make me leave you again... Nothing ever will…"
Xenudah wiped his nose on his sleeve. "I don't wanna be separated from you anymore..."
"Don't worry... We'll never be apart again."
They stayed there holding each other close for a long time, neither of them saying another word.
Yakunan gently ran his hand through Xenudah's silky black hair while Xenudah rested his head against his chest, nuzzling closer to him. It was warm. Peaceful. It was the kind of hug that made one forget their worries just by being near someone. It was like the feeling of home, so comforting and safe.
"A-Apa…" Xenudah murmured, his voice trembling once again. "Apaiya... I want...I want..."
"Shh... Shhhhhhhhhhhh... Everything is going to be alright." Yakunan reassured him. "You're safe, son... I promise... Everything is okay... We'll figure everything out. As long as we keep fighting and we stick together, nothing is going to hurt us ever again... Ok? We need each other right now... We can worry about anything later. All that matters right now is that you're safe. You're not alone. You're not alone in this... Whatever it takes, we'll make sure that you never will be, ok? No matter what happens…"
Xenudah let out a soft whimpering cry, his body beginning to tremble violently.
"Ohhh Xenudah… My Xenudah… You've...you've always been so special to me... I never stopped loving you… You've always been my baby..." Yakunan whispered softly, kissing the top of his son's head lovingly. "We're going to survive this together... I promise... And if…" He choked on a sob, clearly troubled by the thought he was about to say. "If I ever leave you... I'll come back... And we'll get through this together… Ok?"
"Ok." Xenudah hiccuped. "Can you hold me tonight? Can you please hold me? I don't want to be alone anymore. Please…"
"Of course... Anything for my baby." Yakunan nodded softly. "I love you, Xenudah... Always and forever… No more harm shall fall upon you… I promise this time, I promise…"
"Apaiya! A-Apaaaiiiiiyyya!" Xenudah continued to wail helplessly.
"Xenudah..." Yakunan whispered softly, wrapping his arms around his son. "Let yourself grieve... Let yourself feel what you feel… The pain... The tears... Everything that's happened… I know it hurts, but it helps..."
Xenudah couldn't help but feel relieved, somehow. Even though the pain was still there, his dad seemed to have finally found some sort of comfort.
At least he had a family to talk to. That was all that mattered in the end, after all. They would get through this together.
Xenudah sighed softly, snuggling more comfortably into his father's embrace. This was all worth it. He'd get through this. They'd figure this out. He knew it.
Maybe they didn't have an answer yet... But they definitely were going to figure something out. They would find a solution, and they would figure it all out together, no matter what.