Shiren peeked her head into the room, smiling softly at her husband, who was sleeping with his head on his father's lap. She took a few steps towards them. She was glad to see her husband sleeping peacefully and soundly for once in his life.
The woman reached over to lightly caress the side of Xenudah's face with her fingertips, brushing a lock of raven hair away from his face. Her hands lingered there, touching his cheeks, his forehead, his chin, and neck, stroking her thumb over the lines of his facial features. She smiled fondly down at him, watching as he unconsciously leaned into her touch. "Xenudah… What's happened to you?" Shiren wondered, her voice almost a whisper. She sat down on the edge of the bed, running her fingers through her husband's soft locks. "Why do you look so sad, my love? Has the world gotten you down again?"
"You wouldn't get it!" Xenudah snapped, his tone harsh and irritated. He rolled his head to face away from her, curling up even more against his father. He grumbled under his breath. He shot up suddenly, his hands balling up into a fist. "All the memories of my past have been haunting me, tormenting me with everything that I could possibly do... How am I supposed to function when everything I did wrong seems to catch up to me?! It hurts every single day… So I try to forget about everything, because every time I remember something that happened back then, I feel even worse! Every time I remember the horrible things I did...I lose myself completely in a cycle of self-doubt, guilt, and fear... I don't know if I can handle it anymore… It's too much…" Xenudah closed his eyes tightly, forcing himself to keep his mouth shut. He couldn't let her see him this weak.
"Xenudah…" Yakunan whispered sadly, his hand instinctively moving down to rub his back, trying to calm him down.
"What's going on?" Shiren wondered, gazing at her father-in-law.
"He hasn't been feeling the best lately..." Yakunan explained tiredly. "He's worried sick about everything… It's been eating him alive… It hurts him deeply, Shiren… He doesn't deserve to go through this. I wish he was happy... I'm sorry I didn't give him that happiness when I should have..." He trailed off, shaking his head softly. His expression darkened, sadness and despair etched on his face. "I'm not very good at giving people what they want…"
"I understand… But he still loves you, you know." Shiren reminded him softly. "It's only natural that he does. He misses you too... He wants you back in his life... I can tell he loves you. You mustn't push him away or you'll both end up hurting terribly again."
Yakunan remained silent for a moment. "I know I should be there for him..." He mumbled weakly. "I... I shouldn't have left him alone when he needed me most. But… I wanted to protect him. To make him feel protected. To make him believe there's someone watching over him… Someone who loved him unconditionally… He deserved that much, perhaps even more..." His throat tightened painfully and he swallowed, choking on his own words, trying to hold back the lump forming in his throat.
Shiren's heart clenched painfully inside her chest. "I understand… But please don't blame yourself. Don't blame anyone. This isn't your fault at all. Your son knows that. He knows you love him, he knows how important you are to him.
"Xenudah is my whole world… My only child… I know I love him… I always have… I just wish he realized it sometimes… I've never seen him so…so broken before, and it scares me how broken he feels right now. I don't think I can handle losing him a second time… If I lost him now, I would crumble."
Xenudah trembled as he listened to his father and wife's conversation. "Dad, please…" His voice was barely audible. "I need to be alone. Just... Leave me alone. Please." His voice broke, tears forming in his indigo eyes. "Just… Just don't look at me like this..." He broke away from his father's hold, bursting out of the room with a sob.
"Oh, Xenudah…" Yakunan's voice caught in his throat. He felt powerless and hurt. He knew deep down that it wasn't fair to force his son to talk about his feelings, but at the same time, he knew that nothing short of being open would get him through this ordeal. And he was terrified that his only child was slipping further away. He buried his face in his hands. He couldn't imagine what his son was going through, how much pain he was in. As much as he wished he could ease some of the anguish his son was carrying around, he also wished he could take away his burdens and give him the strength to move forward and face whatever the future held. He let out a strangled wail, his grief overflowing, threatening to overwhelm him.
Shiren watched helplessly as her father-in-law broke down in front of her. She felt so helpless… But she knew that, despite all her efforts, they could never fully fix whatever was wrong with Xenudah. All she could do was pray that one day, he would find the courage to come to his senses and forgive his father for abandoning him. She knew it had to happen sooner rather than later, otherwise it would break him beyond repair. They had to mend their relationship, and soon.
Xenudah wiped at the tears falling down his face, desperately trying to hold back the sobs that threatened to erupt from his lips. He ran as quickly as his legs could carry him. He wasn't really sure where he was going, but he couldn't bring himself to care.
He had no idea where exactly he had run to, but somewhere along the way, he had ended up in a dead-end alleyway. He paused, gasping for air, wiping roughly at his streaming eyes with his sleeve as his body trembled violently. His breaths came out in sharp pants, tears blurring his vision as he pressed himself against the wall of the alleyway. A small whimper escaped his mouth at the sudden realization that he was truly alone in this place.
The silence filled the surrounding space, and it was suffocating. He slid down the wall until he sat in a sitting position, his legs pulled to his chest. And then he screamed, a loud heartbroken wall ripping itself from his chest as his entire body shook. Tears fell from his eyes freely, his entire body wracked with tremors as the sounds of the cries echoed throughout the alleyway.
"Dad?" Kymika's soft voice came from behind him, causing him to flinch.
"Kymika…" Xenudah's voice faltered as he choked out a fragile sob, his voice sounding hoarse and weak from screaming and crying.
Her footsteps grew louder as she approached him, coming to stand beside him. She crouched down before him. She placed her hand on his shoulder tentatively.
"Oh, Kymi…Kymi, my sweet girl…" Xenudah sobbed, burying his face in the crook of her neck, wrapping his arms around her waist. "Please… Don't leave me..." His voice was barely audible as tears streamed down his face. "I've lost too much... Please don't let me lose anymore... Don't make me lose you, too!" Xenudah cried, pulling his daughter close to him as he clutched onto her tightly. "Kymi, please..." He wept into her hair. "I don't think I can survive anything worse… I won't… I won't be strong enough…"
She didn't respond, her own tears spilling from her eyes as she hugged him back tightly, holding him as tight as she could, clinging onto him with as much desperation as she could muster. It was painful to watch him cry, but even more painful to hear him so distraught. Her heart hurt for him as she heard his cries. He was suffering, as clear as day. No matter what he said, he was still suffering so immensely. Even after everything he had gone through, he still couldn't seem to stop caring. He loved his family so dearly and unconditionally… And it was so obvious. She knew she had to help him get better.
"I'm sorry, child…" Xenudah whispered, gazing sympathetically and apologetically at his little girl. He brushed a few strands of hair away from her face. "I shouldn't have let you go…" He sighed, pulling her even closer, his arms tightening around her. "But I don't think I could go without you." His voice cracked, his face growing damp with tears as he continued to hold on to her. "Not today. Not ever again. Kymika, please don't leave me!" His voice cracked, his face growing damp with tears as he continued to hold onto her. "Not today. Not ever again. Kymika, don't leave me!" Xenudah's breathing became frantic. First his father, then his wife and daughter almost leaving him... He didn't know how much more he could possibly take. He let out another piercing cry, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to contain it. It was hard, though, to keep everything bottled up inside him. It had to get out somehow... He hated feeling like this. He always felt this way when he got upset. He had never been good at controlling his emotions, and it was overwhelming. It made it almost impossible to be strong and keep everything bottled up inside him.
He didn't want to be strong, not today. Today everything hurt. Everything ached. He felt exhausted. Like if he tried, he might fall apart.
"Kymi…" Xenudah shakily breathed. "It hurts so much... Everything hurts, Kymika… Everything hurts…" He let out a soft, fragile whisper, shaking his head in disbelief as he finally gave up on keeping his emotions in check. "Why am I alive...? Why does everything have to hurt? It's not fair... Why... Why is this happening to me..." He sobbed uncontrollably, letting his tears flow freely. "My whole world has fallen apart... How did I allow it to? What happened?! Where did it all go wrong?! A-APA! SOMEONE PLEASE JUST HELP ME!"
"Oh, Xenudah… There you are..." Yakunan whispered sadly, slowly walking towards his son. "You poor boy, I'm so sorry…" He reached out and gently wrapped his arms around him.
Xenudah broke away from Kymika's hold and buried his face in his father's haori, sobbing. He didn't realize how badly he needed comfort, how badly he craved any sort of comfort at that moment.
"Xenudah... I just wanted to let you know how much I love you. I really do. It's difficult, I know... For the both of us… You're scared, my dear child...so scared... So scared that things will never be the same again... That you'll never feel complete again..." The words poured from his mouth. "And that scares me so much... I don't want to see you hurt anymore... Because if something ever happens to you, I don't know what I would do… You're my world, Xenu… You're my life..." He leaned down to press a kiss to his son's temple. "And I'll do whatever it takes to keep you safe..." He murmured softly.
"A-Apa... I'm so scared I'll lose you...or anyone I love... I hate feeling so alone... I hate feeling like there's nothing left in this world for me except for you..." Xenudah sniffed. "I just want to be able to feel that I'm not alone... Is that so much to ask?!"
Yakunan's heart shattered, hearing those words and seeing the expression on his precious son's face. He had never seen Xenudah look so broken before…
Xenudah pulled away and turned to face his father, the look in his eyes making Yakunan's breath catch in his throat. There were tears running down his cheeks and his eyes were red and swollen with sadness. "Please…" He whispered brokenly. "Help me… Please…" His voice caught and his shoulders shook once more. And then the dam inside him burst wide open, releasing an outpouring of emotions that seemed to have accumulated for years.
"Xenudah…" Yakunan uttered, moving to pull his son back against him, resting his chin on top of his head and closing his eyes. He took several deep, shuddering breaths, trying desperately to regain his composure. He knew that whatever words he spoke next wouldn't do any good… He couldn't force Xenudah to do anything, nor could he offer him any comfort in return. But he wanted to help, and there wasn't anything else that he could do right now other than to try. "I'm right here... I'm not going anywhere... You're not going to lose me."
Xenudah continued to sob uncontrollably, Kymika watching on. She moved to kneel beside them, placing one hand on each of their backs as she rested her forehead against her father's shoulder. She didn't say anything. She didn't know what to say to cheer her father up.
"A-Apaiya…Apa…" Xenudah cried, his hands clutching the fabric of Yakunan's haori, his whole body shaking violently. "I missed you so much…" He sobbed. "I…I don't understand… I don't understand what's happening to me… I… I don't know how to handle it… I don't know what to do…"
"Sweetheart, I know…" Yakunan cooed, holding his crying son closer to him, rubbing circles into his back.
Xenudah continued to cry. It felt like someone had taken a knife and sliced open his heart, and stabbed it repeatedly over and over. He couldn't stop himself from hurting, he couldn't stop his pain. He felt so empty. It felt like something had hollowed him out. He felt so weak and vulnerable. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. He didn't know how to cope with it all anymore. He felt hopeless.
"Shhh…." Yakunan murmured softly, pressing kisses to his forehead. "It'll be alright, my dear boy…" He muttered, brushing through his son's hair. "We're going to figure this out, together… I promise I'll keep you safe…" He pressed another kiss to the side of his head. "That I won't let anything happen to you…" He murmured. "And I need you to believe me, Xenu, because I don't think I can stand losing you too… I can't stand to have that fear hanging over me… Not after everything… Not after believing you were gone for decades on end…"
Xenudah wailed quietly into his father's shoulder, unable to answer as he choked down more sobs. "A-Apaaaaaiiiiiyyaaaaaa!"
Yakunan shook his head wearily. He hadn't meant to sound harsh, hadn't really wanted to upset his son. He had only meant to make sure his son understood he meant every word he said; he was absolutely terrified for his safety, especially given where they were now. After all they'd been through together, he certainly didn't want him getting hurt even more. Even as he was saying these things, however, he was finding it harder and harder to maintain his own composure. The sight of his son looking so despondent… It shattered his heart.
"Xenudah, darling... I didn't mean to scare you... I'm just too scared to let you go... I'm so afraid that if I let go, you'll slip away without ever coming home.." The former Overlord swallowed thickly. "I'm so scared that this time I'll never see you again... You're my world…" Yakunan held his child tighter, kissing his forehead once more. "I've missed you so much… I wish I had spent more time with you.. I wish I could have saved you, baby… But that's no excuse for being cold… I'm sorry…"
"You didn't save me… You abandoned me… I thought you loved me…" Xenudah whimpered, grasping his father's messy black hair, trying to ground himself, but to no avail. "No matter how much you tried to protect me, you always ended up hurting me anyway…" He grumbled bitterly as he buried his face deeper into his father's collarbone.
"I…" Yakunan closed his eyes, swallowing hard again, fighting off the lump in his throat. "Baby, I'm sorry..." He repeated softly. "But you're still my son…my whole world…and I love you…" Tears spilled down his cheeks, his heart cracking further in every passing second that passed without an explanation. He just hoped that Xenudah wouldn't push him away this time. He didn't want to lose his son. Without him, he would not survive.
"Apa…l-I was so lonely. I miss home…how we used to be…" Xenudah sighed. "When I come back I wanna stay forever…"
"Oh, Xenudah…" Yakunan murmured tenderly, cradling the side of his son's face gently, wiping away the tears. He could feel how Xenudah trembled slightly beneath his touch. "You've always been so emotionally fragile… If you're not okay, then tell me, okay? No matter how much I might act tough or angry sometimes, I love you and want to protect you... I always will…" He paused for a moment, taking in the way Xenudah's eyes shone with fresh tears. "Do you trust me?" He asked quietly.
Xenudah simply nodded, curling closer into his father's embrace. He nuzzled his face against his chest, sighing softly when his father wrapped his arms around him. A tear fell down his cheek and hit the floor. He was tired. So tired… He had no idea what to do anymore… He had lost hope years ago. "Apa…A-Apa…" Xenudah began to hyperventilate. "I don't know how to handle it all… I'm so scared…"
Yakunan looked at his trembling son sadly. He wanted to give him whatever comfort he could. He wanted to hold him tight and never let go. But all he could do was hold him close and murmur soft assurances, hoping and praying that somehow, someway, everything would be alright…