After a few moments of crying silently into his father's chest, Xenudah eventually stopped. He sniffed slightly and rubbed his cheeks dry before standing upright again, drawing Kymika close to him. He glanced around the area, trying to compose himself. "Is it over now?" He managed to ask, his voice small and weak.
Yakunan stood up and placed a hand gently on his son's shoulder. "I wish…" He whispered. "I hate to see you in so much pain… I wish there was some way that I could change the past…" His grip on his son tightened slightly. "But nothing can change what has happened… All we can do is make the best of the present, and focus on healing, alright?" He squeezed his shoulder lightly, offering him a small smile. "We're going to get through this, alright? Together. And as soon as we manage to find a way out of this, I'll take you anywhere you want to go…" He said. "Just remember that I'm your father first, okay? You're my son. We'll work this out together."
Xenudah just nodded. "Let's go back…"
"Alright…I love you…"
Upon reaching the Temple of Fortitude once more, Xenudah immediately fled to the downstairs area, collapsing onto the bed in his father's room. Yakunan closely followed, not wanting to leave his side.
"I-I'm so tired, Apa…so tired…"
"Then rest, my love… We've both been through a lot today…" Yakunan smiled warmly. "Everything is going to be alright. You're safe now" He whispered, placing a gentle kiss on his son's temple.
Xenudah hummed softly, resting his head on his father's chest and snuggling closer to him, feeling safer than he had in days.
He listened to Yakunan's heartbeat, listening to the soft rhythm of his heartbeat that matched his own. Everything felt so calming. His father made him feel protected. He knew his father would keep him safe, just like he had promised.
"Apa…"
"Oh, child… Come here… Let me hold you…" Yakunan wrapped his arms around his son tightly, holding him close, hoping that he could provide enough comfort for him to fall asleep. He hoped that even if the worst came to pass, at least he could comfort someone he loved. "Xenudah, I am so sorry that things turned out this way…" He whispered, kissing the top of his son's head softly. "You shouldn't have been put in danger…" He sighed quietly. "My dear child…" He kissed his hair again. "I won't ever let anyone hurt you again…" He held his son close, so close, praying that whatever came next, he wouldn't have to bear the brunt of it alone.
"What now, Apa?" Xenu murmured. His face fell. His body started to tremble again. "I'm scared... I don't know what's going to happen… What if I never learn how to control myself?! What if something happens to you or Kymika because of me?!" His eyes welled with tears. He was afraid of everything. He was frightened of being left behind, of losing someone, of hurting them. He didn't want to live life without any hope of having a future.
"Oh, Xenu... Xenu, sweetheart..." Yakunan gazed up for a moment, his breath shuddering as he pressed his forehead to his child's own. "I've got you now…"
"I don't want to be alone anymore! It feels horrible!" Xenu cried quietly. "Can't you help me?" He asked, looking desperately back at his father. "Please... Just let me stay by your side forever… Please…" He buried his face against his father's neck again, tears flowing freely.
"No matter where you are, Xenudah, I will always be with you." Yakunan cradled his son's cheek gently. His heart shattered at his child's wails. "Oh baby, my baby, I wish things had turned out differently..." He pulled him closer. "I wish they hadn't happened at all. That I had been able to raise you the way you deserve… I know I haven't done a very good job yet… But I'll make it up to you someday… I promise…"
"No one else can possibly understand how hard this all is for me…" Xenudah whimpered. "It's all my fault... Everything I did hurt people! I didn't deserve to suffer, I didn't want to suffer… Why did I think I could do anything right?" He began sobbing loudly. "I'm a burden..." Xenudah wiped his face on the sleeve of his shirt. "Everyone keeps telling me I'm too sensitive and fragile..." He looked up. "I'm sorry I'm such a bother..."
"Xenu, no...no, baby..." Yakunan lets his voice tremble ever so slightly as he draws his son closer. "My child..."
"I hate feeling so weak..."
"No one is asking you to be strong, love... It's just hard to watch when you look so broken... When you have to suffer like this every time..." He drew him tighter into his arms. "You are a survivor. No one should have to survive this kind of pain, no matter how tough they seem. You are brave, and you have a great heart..." He took a deep, shaky breath. "You love so deeply, so immensely, so strongly, and that makes it difficult sometimes to watch you go through it... But you are still alive, and you will overcome it. You are a fighter, and you will continue fighting until the day you die… You are stronger than you realize. I'm so proud of you, Xenudah…"
Xenudah couldn't breathe properly. His father's words were making him feel so many conflicting emotions. On the one hand, he felt so lucky that his father cared so much about him. On the other, it felt so awful that he had caused so much trouble.
"I'm sorry I left you behind..." Yakunan continued, brushing away the tear tracks from his son's cheeks. "And I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me most. I wanted to protect you, but I failed..." He rested his head on his son's shoulder. "I promise I'll make sure you're never alone ever again… You are my whole world… You are my everything…" He closed his eyes, taking a few more shaky breaths. "I can't lose you. Not now. Not ever. I know I haven't always been easy to live with... You may have seen me angry or frustrated... And you've probably heard me snap at you more than once... But I love you. More than anything else on this planet. I promise I won't leave you again."
Xenudah cried out, more fully this time, the floodgate wide open. "Father, please…" He choked out, burying his face into his father's shoulder. "I need you…" He gasped, struggling to catch his breath. His voice was hoarse and strained. "I need you… Please..."
Yakunan nodded slowly, pressing his lips gently against his son's hair. The gesture warmed his heart. "I'm here for you, little one..." He whispered. He drew his son closer to him and held him tightly. "You'll be alright... Everything will be fine..." He stroked the back of his son's head gently as he continued to cry uncontrollably. "Don't worry about what I did or didn't do in the past… You were always a wonderful person, Xenudah. And you were never meant to endure such a harsh trial… I'm so glad you survived it... Forgive me... Please forgive me..." He hugged his son tightly, rocking slowly back and forth. "Shhhhhh... I'm here now... I'm here now… Things will be different this time. I promise that I'll never let you go..."
Xenudah only wailed harder, his breathing becoming more frantic as the moments passed. He knew that things would be different in the future, but he was so scared to let go that anything related to the past seemed to upset him.
Yakunan let out a soft sigh, brushing his son's hair down, pressing a soft kiss to the top of his head. "My dear child…" he whispered. "We're not alone... You are not alone… We have each other. That means everything..." His heart shattered at the sight of his son's tear-stained face and swollen red, puffy eyes. He wished there was something he could do to make this better. "We're family... Don't forget that..." He whispered, tightening his embrace around his son, feeling his own eyes burn with tears at the mere thought of leaving him. "I love you, Xenu. Always and forever. There is nothing or no one I wouldn't risk my life for… I'm never letting you go again…" He felt himself tearing up, and fought hard to keep it all together. "You're the light of my life...my everything...I cannot lose you again..."
"A-Apa..."
"I'm right here..." Yakunan's voice shattered completely as he spoke those three simple words. He buried his face into his son's hair once again, trying to keep his emotions under control. He squeezed his son tightly against him before pulling him even closer. "I love you, Xenudah..." Yakunan's words fell to soft, fragile sobs, and for the first time in nearly half a century, he allowed himself to weep openly for his son…for himself. His heart was shattering, breaking into pieces. He was so overwhelmed with emotion. How was anyone supposed to deal with such anguish? How long could he last? Was there any way to stop it? Would he be able to go on living in peace knowing that his son suffered because of him? His heart ached so badly, so painfully.
He'd never known fear like this in his entire existence. He'd never felt so powerless, so helpless, so utterly miserable, and yet, so incredibly happy. He had the chance to spend an eternal lifetime with his son, and he would never allow himself to waste a single second of that life away.
Moments passed and the father and child still clung tightly to one another, not daring to let go.
"Why am I like this…?" Xenudah whimpered. "I'm so overly emotional, so clingy... Delicate... I break at the slightest thing! I can barely handle losing you! Can you imagine what it must've been like when we were apart, without you...? If I'm so easily hurt… So easily broken–"
"Oh, Xenu…" Yakunan held onto him tightly. "I would've given up hope ages ago if it weren't for your love for me. Your love helped me carry on and keep going. Without you, I might have lost myself already..." He pulled him close once more, resting his cheek against the side of his son's head. "I'll never give up on us... I'll never let you out of my sight. My little boy..."
"I wish you could stay..."
"Me too..." Yakunan shook his head sadly. "I would rather never leave you again than leave you alone for a moment…"
"Apa... I'm so scared... Don't leave me..." Xenudah shifted over to lie down on the bed, burying under the fluffy blanket, nestling under the gentle bristles, unable to stop a sob from escaping.
"Xenudah... Oh, baby..." Yakunan gazed up into the sky as he smoothed down his son's hair gently. "Every moment I'm away from you is torture. All I want to do is hold you in my arms and never let you go again. I need you by my side more than ever. Nothing in the world could possibly change that." He cupped his son's small face. "But I understand you. You're afraid of being left alone. Afraid that someone else will replace you. Of course you're afraid... I'm also terrified of that happening to you. But you've got to stop being afraid. It's killing you. You're my sunshine and my only happiness. No matter what happens, you'll never be alone again."
Xenudah sniffled softly. "It feels like I'm being abandoned all the time..." He said weakly.
"No, baby. I'm always by your side." Yakunan stroked his son's cheek. "I'm here for you, no matter what."
"But how...?" Xenudah mumbled. "...How can you trust me so much?"
"Because you're my son… When I'm with you, I don't feel sad, lonely, hopeless... Instead, I feel complete..."
"A-Apaiya…" Xenudah whimpered.
"I know it hurts, love… And I'm sorry... Come here..."
"I wish we never had to part..."
"Oh, Xenudah... I wish I never had to leave you... I've missed you so much, little one... This world works in ways I cannot understand... Even when we're so close, it tears us apart... I can barely stand it anymore... It feels like I'm suffocating against the weight of the world... And you... You are so far away…" He pressed his forehead against his son's, closing his eyes. "I never wanted to leave you again..."
"You're the only one who truly understands me..." Xenudah murmured.
"I try... I really do... But sometimes... Sometimes it feels like the only reason I can even talk to you is because of all the pain I caused you. You've forgiven me, yes, and you have every right to, but I feel like it means nothing... I know what I did was wrong... I just don't know how to fix it... I can never take away the guilt and shame I feel inside, and it terrifies me... What if someday the same thing happens to you? What if one day I lose you? I can't go through that again…" Yakunan's heart broke as his fears took hold again. "And then where will I be? Alone... I don't think I could bear it…" He let out a shuddering sigh. "If I'd stayed, perhaps things would have been different... Maybe you would've been happier, maybe you wouldn't have suffered so much... I don't know…"
"Apa–"
"In the battle against Hikari so long ago, I was so focused on protecting you, trying to live another day, that I fused with my element, not caring about the consequences... I lost sight of you... For days... Weeks... Months... Years... I didn't see you or hear from you anywhere. I couldn't tell if you were still alive or dead... The thought of losing you was unbearable. I would have done anything to bring you back..."
"Apa..."
"All I did was make you suffer more... And you were suffering so much... I'm so sorry..." Tears began streaming down Yakunan's wrinkled face. "What I wouldn't give to take back a minute of that time..." He exhaled. "I'd trade my life for yours a million times over… Xenudah, my little ray of light, I'll protect you with my very life... Please don't disappear from me again..."
Xenudah let out another small whimper as he clutched the blanket tightly in his fists, his whole body trembling slightly.
Yakunan tightened his hold, shakily brushing some strands of hair away from his son's face. They laid together quietly, silently for a long while. Neither of them said a word; they had nothing to say to one another. Their conversation had already been interrupted several times during their journey by tears; each time, it was difficult to speak about the subject at hand. Yakunan knew that it was best not to speak of it again for now.
His thoughts wandered to all the time he spent with Xenudah, all the precious memories that had come flooding back to him… He remembered the warmth he'd felt whenever he looked upon his beautiful boy, and how happy he made him. Every smile that crossed his face was worth it a hundredfold.
"A-Apa…" Xenudah grasped at his father's haori. "A-Apa…" The younger's tone was desperate and fragile. "Stay...please stay... I can't–" He swallowed hard. "I... I can't bear it..." He started crying uncontrollably. "I'm scared... I'll never see you again," he wailed. "I won't be able to live with you anymore. I–"
"Ohhh, Xenu…"
"Please... Stay... You have to... I can't... I can't survive… I'm so scared. I'm so alone..."
"Xenudah… Look at me, please..." Yakunan gently wiped his tears as Xenudah looked up. "I love you more than anything. Please believe me when I say that I'm not going anywhere, nor will I ever abandon you. I promise you. As long as I'm breathing, I'm always here for you... You have no idea how much I care for you. Do you understand? I will come find you, alright? No matter where you might be, I'll always find you."
"AAAAAAPPAAAAAAAAA!" Xenudah let out a bloodcurdling scream as he jumped straight off the bed and onto the floor, convulsing. His breaths came quickly, sweat trickling down his neck. He curled into a ball on the ground, rocking back and forth as he trembled uncontrollably.
"Oh, sweetheart! Are you okay?!" Yakunan hurried toward him, kneeling beside him. He held him tightly and cradled him close to his chest. "Are you hurt?" He tried desperately to assess his condition, but Xenudah kept on screaming, writhing in his grasp.
"Apa, please...Apa, help me... I'm–" He squeezed his eyes shut tight as the next wave of trembles coursed through him. "N-Nnngh..." He whimpered loudly as another bout of spasms hit him. "AHHHHHHH!" His voice cracked, causing him to cough loudly. "I…HURT…I CAN'T…STOP–" He cried hysterically.
"I know, baby... I know... Shh... It's alright…" Yakunan rubbed his back soothingly. "Don't worry, darling... Everything's fine. Xenudah…how long… has this been going on?" His voice sounded tense.
Xenudah buried his head in his father's chest. "I… Cried myself hoarse… After you... After you left…" He muttered.
"So you've been having these nightmares ever since...?"
"Yes... I–" Xenudah choked back another cry as another wave of spasms passed through him. "Nnngghh…" He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, clutching his father's haori. "I HATE IT!" Xenudah yelled. "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?! WHY DOES MY LIFE HAVE TO BE SO HORRIBLE?!"
"Xenudah... X-Xenudah... Xenu, baby... You've been dealing with all this alone...all alone for so long…"
"When you found me again… I couldn't help but blame you… All these years… I was so angry at you… You left me… I hated you… I hated you…" Xenudah sobbed. "But I loved you too much to hate you forever…" He closed his eyes, shaking his head. "It was easier to hate… I didn't want to deal with…with the pain of missing you..."
"Oh, Xenudah..." Yakunan whispered softly, his own eyes beginning to mist up. "How could I not have realized you were hurting?" His voice was filled with sorrow.
"You couldn't…" Xenudah murmured.
"It wasn't your fault, sweetheart," Yakunan assured him gently. "I'm so sorry you had to go through such a tragedy… I feel so incredibly guilty… I should have stayed with you…" He kissed his temple tenderly.
"Apa…" Xenudah grabbed his father's sleeve and pulled his arm around his shoulder, wrapping his legs around Yakunan's waist as well. "You weren't responsible for it… I am."
Yakunan sighed sadly. "No, you're not…" He hugged him tighter. "You were a child when everything happened. Don't blame yourself... I'm sorry I never noticed before."
"It wasn't your fault…" He sniffed.
"It is… But I don't want you blaming yourself either. If anyone deserves an apology, it's me, Xenudah."
"Dad…"
"No, listen to me," Yakunan said firmly. "It's my fault that you went through something like this… So I will help you through this. I won't leave you." He leaned over, cradling his son's cheek with his hand, pressing his forehead to Xenudah's own. "I should have done more to ensure you were taken care of."
"Apa, there was nothing you could do…" Xenudah shook his head, closing his eyes tightly. "All I wanted was for you to come back… And you did…"
"Son, please…"
"I thought it would make things better…" Xenu whimpered. "I really did… I just wanted everything to go back to normal. I wanted things to be the way they used to be… Before…" He wrapped his arms around his father's neck, letting his body tremble once again as the pain started taking its toll. "Before everything got so messed up…"
Yakunan slowly ran his fingers through his son's hair. "I'm here, Xenu…" He kissed his son's head softly. "I'm right here. No one is going to take you away from me again. Never again will you have to suffer what you've gone through for as long as you have."
"Apa…" Tears began to roll down Xenudah's cheeks again, but he continued to cling tightly to his father's embrace regardless. "I wish you could stay with me…" He mumbled, burying his face against his father's chest.
"I know, darling…" Yakunan hugged his son close, squeezing him tightly. "I know. I promise I will…"
They sat silently for several moments, both lost deep in their own thoughts. Eventually, Xenudah's cries subsided, and he slowly opened his eyes once more.