A.N. Warning: This chapter features themes of trauma and healing, which may be triggering to some. Please use caution. 3
Likarian: Yay! I'm glad I was able to surprise you. Hopefully we will be able to get to some more romance soon. 😉
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my original characters and plot points.
The night was cold and bleak. Thorin kept Danica wrapped as tightly as he could to keep her warm, but she was still cold to the touch. When the eagles landed on a large rock, he feared the worst for her. Gandalf ran over the moment his eagle landed. He checked over her wounds, frowning deeply.
"Will she live?" Thorin questioned, afraid of the answer.
Gandalf sighed deeply. "There is not much that I can do for her. She was stabbed again, then Azog attempted to strangle her,"
"You cannot just give up!" Fili cried angrily. The others had gathered around, varying looks of anger and sadness on their faces.
"Is there someone else we can take her to?" Bilbo asked softly.
Estellia padded over, and looked directly at Gandalf. Something passed between them, and then Gandalf had a quick conversation with the eagles.
"Gandalf, what is happening?" Thorin watched in panic as some of the birds flew away.
"They are leaving to bring us some food," Gandalf replied, sounding suddenly weary. "Estellia spoke with me. She can heal Danica, but will need all of her strength to do it,"
"What is carved on her skin?" Thorin asked, though he was fairly sure he knew.
Gandalf just gave him a look.
"By Mahal," Balin murmured, looking both heartbroken and furious.
"What is it?" Kili questioned, looking at the older dwarves fearfully.
"'Azog,'" Thorin growled. "He branded her with his name, just as he branded Thror after he killed him,"
The rage that rippled through the Company was palpable. Gandalf assured them that Estellia would be able to eliminate the brand, leaving no scars. There was some disbelief amongst them, but they all hoped. The severity of Danica's condition was a dark, depressing reality that some of them had never before faced. Ori was crying silently between Dori and Nori, and his own nephews looked lost. Dwalin had stomped to the furthest edge of the rock, completely still and silent. Thorin knew that the silence was to mask the anguish Dwalin felt. As they had stated before, women were more precious to dwarves than any jewel or treasure. Not being able to protect one of their own, let alone from their worst enemy, was a deep blow.
"Thorin, I need you to let her go, and join the others so I can tend to some of her wounds," Gandalf said softly.
"No," was Thorin's instant response. His voice was tight, and he couldn't bear the thought of being even a few feet from her.
"If Gandalf is to help keep her alive, we need to do everything he tells us," Balin's point made sense to his head, but struck his heart. "Come on. She is in good hands,"
It took some more coaxing from Fili, but Thorin finally set her on the ground, and stepped away. Only then did he realize that he was covered in her blood. Trying to distract himself, he went to Bilbo.
"I must thank you for the bravery you showed back there. You helped save her, at the risk of your own life,"
Though Bilbo's eyes were dry, there were tear tracks on his dirty face. "She means a lot to me, as well. I am only sorry that…that I couldn't… "
As much for himself as for the hobbit, Thorin gave Bilbo a brief, but firm embrace.
"You know she will be mad at all of us when she wakes up, and sees us wallowing, don't you?" Bofur's statement lightened the atmosphere, even if only a little. They all knew he was right. In fact, their sadness would only make her feel guilty.
The eagles came back with a few kills, which the dwarves prepared and cooked. There was a goat for Estellia to have all to herself, which she dragged, and ate away from the others. Now realizing how famished they all were, the dwarves ate more ferociously than before. Once Gandalf had patched Danica up as best he could, he covered her with John's cloak, to try and ward of the chill of the night. Then, he called Thorin back. She had lost a lot of blood, and needed the warmth of another body. It was almost a relief for Thorin to shed his bloody, outer layers. There was still some filth on his pants, but not enough to cause concern or discomfort. Clad in his tunic and pants, he lay next to her, using John's cloak to cover them both.
Her little body was so cold, and what unmarred skin he could see so pale. However, her breathing was a little better, and she soon began to warm in his arms. At some point, he must have fallen asleep, for Gandalf had to wake him just before dawn. To his utter horror, she was now scalding, and quivering with fever.
"Do not fear," Gandalf said, upon seeing the panic on Thorin's face. "Estellia is ready to heal her,"
There was something somber about Gandalf's countenance as he sat there. He looked sadly at Estellia as she came to sit beside Danica.
"What is it?" Thorin asked.
Most of the others had also fallen asleep, but Fili heard them talking, and came over to them.
"Estellia's body will not be able to survive this,"
Fili and Thorin shared a stricken look.
"She's going to die?" Fili asked, frowning.
Gandalf could only nod. Thorin looked at the large cat, and felt the loss already. This would only increase the pain in Danica's already-broken heart. But here was the only opportunity they had to save her life and give her a better chance of moving forward.
"You really love her, don't you?" he murmured to Estellia. The look in her eyes was all the confirmation he needed.
'As do you,' a soft voice spoke in his head, unsettling him. He knew it was Estellia. 'I will not be able to watch over her for a little while,'
'I will take care of her,' he promised silently. 'I promise,'
'Thank you,'
Leaning down, Estellia touched her forehead to Danica's and closed her eyes. Now, all they could do was watch, and wait.
It was peaceful, with a soft breeze blowing through the leaves of the willow tree. Danica lay beneath it, her hand playing with the water in the creek that trickled beside her. The water was soft and cool, making a slight bubbling sound. She wasn't sure how long she'd been there, and didn't want to find out. There was darkness lurking at the edge of her memory, and so she hadn't bothered with it. Thus far, only she seemed to inhabit the place. Considering the pain that must have brought her here, she was ok with that.
"Danica," the voice was warm and familiar, putting her at ease with the new presence.
She looked up, and saw a beautiful woman with flaming red hair walking toward her. The woman was ethereal, her countenance was kind and gentle. Danica smiled, knowing who it was.
"Estellia," she propped herself up on her elbows as the maia came to sit next to her. "What is your real name?"
"You can keep calling me Estellia. I like it," Estellia smiled, and Danica could now see that her eyes were a deep, emerald green.
"I have always wanted to speak with you, but I do wonder why you're here,"
Those green eyes dimmed a little. "I brought you here when you lost consciousness. This is the best place for you to heal,"
Danica nodded, but refused to think about what happened before. As if knowing her thoughts, Estellia frowned.
"You cannot heal if you continue to hide,"
The creek was easier to look at than Estellia's eyes, especially when Danica's filled with tears.
"I can't," she murmured. "Please, don't make me,"
A soft sigh came from the other woman. "How long have you been here?"
Danica shrugged. "However long it has been on the outside, I suppose,"
"This place does not work like what you know as reality, Danica. Time has no real meaning here,"
Confused, Danica looked back at her companion. "What do you mean?"
"Time is the construct of mortals. You are not in a mortal realm. What you are seeing is a glimpse into the view of those for whom life has no deadline,"
It made some sense. Looking around, it began to make even more sense. On the one hand, it felt like she had been there for days, but on the other, it felt like only a few minutes.
"Does that mean that I can stay here as long as I wish?"
"Yes," Estellia answered carefully, "but you must return eventually,"
Feeling restless for the first time since she'd opened her eyes, Danica stood, and began walking through the soft grass. Her light, white dress moved easily about her legs. She suddenly hated it. Hated the color. White no longer belonged anywhere near her, let alone on her body. Everything felt like it was crumbling around her, and her peace was shattered. Any control she had snapped. Tears fell like rain, and she began tearing at the offending dress. Screams tore from her throat, and she threw the dress off her body. Naked, she collapsed, holding her head as she screamed and sobbed. Estellia knelt by her, letting her release all of her rage and pain.
Sometime later, Danica calmed down. At least, for a little while. Then, she saw that she was once again clothed in white. Though she didn't scream, she just closed her eyes, and cried again. This time, Estellia came and put Danica's head in her lap, stroking her hair. For the first time in her life, there was no deadline for Danica to recover. She could cry as long as she wished, and lay still for the same amount of time. So, she did. Estellia never said a word, and never became impatient. She just continued stroking. Danica never had to sleep, she just rested.
At first, she felt like the entirety of her was a raw wound, overcome with emotions. Then came the bliss of nothingness. This, she wallowed in the longest. It was so easy to just shut off, and stare at the sky while Estellia combed her hair. Finally, something of her old self returned. The pain did as well, but it wasn't nearly as bad, and she knew she would be alright. After all, she'd already lost so much, but that had only made her stronger. Finally, after what could have been weeks, or just seconds, she sat up.
"What did he write on my face?"
Estellia helped her to stand, and they began walking, arm in arm. "Are you sure you wish to know?"
Danica nodded. "I have to,"
"'Azog,'"
Acid rose into Danica's throat. "He left his mark. Deep enough to scar for the rest of my life,"
"Perhaps not,"
That bit of hope was a lifeline that Danica was wary to take. Instead, she asked what happened after she lost consciousness.
"Neither Azog, nor his orcs had time to do anything more to you, for Bilbo threw himself at those holding you,"
Now Danica smiled. "Brave Bilbo,"
"Thorin and I fought Azog and his warg. Bilbo drove his sword into Azog's leg, allowing Thorin to grab you, and get to an eagle. Everyone made it safely away. They are currently sleeping on a safe rock landing,"
As she had earlier, Danica looked down at the dress. "I shouldn't be wearing this,"
Taking her hands, Estellia stopped and faced her. "What happened to you does not defile you, nor your worth in any way,"
The tears came again. "But it was my fault. Everyone else knew it was a bad idea, and I ignored my own gut instead. I could have gotten them killed. Never did I think that Rachel could, that she would… "
"Danica, look at me," once they had eye contact, Estellia continued. "None of what happened was your fault. You did not ask for it, nor did you deserve it. Somehow, you have to forgive yourself, because you are not at all to blame,"
Stifling a sob, Danica nodded, silencing the voice in her head that wanted to argue.
"Now, as for the others; your conversation with Rachel provided the distraction for Gandalf to set up the pine cones. He suspected that I had gone to warn the eagles, but there was no guarantee. By buying that time, you saved their lives,"
She so desperately wanted to believe that, but still felt as though she'd acted stupidly, and worried the others felt the same. How would they look at her now, with Azog's mark on her face?
"Lastly," Estellia put a hand on Danica's cheek, and smiled, "you are wearing white because it still best represents you. You are still pure and bright. Not just in my eyes, but also in the eyes of the One who made you. Not to mention the Company,"
For what she hoped was the last time, Danica gave herself over to tears, allowing herself to be enveloped in the warmth of Estellia's arms. By the end of her crying, she felt lighter and stronger than she had in a long time.
"Thank you," she said, stepping out of the embrace. "I don't know what I would have done if I'd had to deal with this on my own,"
Estellia's smile remained. "You would not have been alone. They all love you, and would have taken care of you,"
Images of the Company flooded her mind. She had purposefully kept from thinking about them, because all it did was bring pain and humiliation. Now, she realized how much she missed them. Though there was still one face she couldn't bring herself to see.
"It still won't be easy, but we won't have the luxury of time. We need to return to the quest,"
The sadness in Estellia's eyes struck Danica cold.
"What is it?" Danica asked softly.
Taking Danica's hand again, Estellia returned to walking.
"Some of the maiar look down on beings like me and Radagast. They believe that we are vastly wasting our time. Radagast has withdrawn from society, and I spend all my time trying to help mortals, whose lives are so fleeting,"
"Why do you work so hard to help us?" Danica asked.
Estellia gave an affectionate smile. "Perhaps it is because your lives are so fleeting, but there is a fire in the soul of mortals that touches me. Your people are the hope of the future, and though mortals are more susceptible to corruption, you also fight against evil with pure ferocity. I guess all of you stole my heart,"
"For which I can be nothing but grateful. Now, what has you so sad?"
They were back at the tree Danica had been under, which she now began to think was the door between here and reality. The whole atmosphere of the place had begun to change, and it was with some trepidation that Danica sat with Estellia beneath the leaves.
"The physical body that I was inhabiting will not survive healing you,"
How could words steal your breath? Danica's lungs ached from the sudden lack of oxygen, before air whooshed back in.
"Then don't!" she cried. "Please, I don't want to lose you,"
"It is already done," Estellia replied somberly. "But you will not lose me completely. Once my spirit has regained some strength here, I will take another body. You will see me again before the quest is over,"
Danica sniffed. "I'm so sorry. I never wanted anyone to give their life for me,"
"You would have died, and that is something I could not allow,"
There was nothing to do now, but the denial was strong.
"You promise that I will see you again?" even to her own ears, she sounded pathetic. Estellia let out a light, clear laugh.
"I promise,"
Gathering what courage she had, Danica took a deep breath.
"I'm ready,"
The last image she had was of Estellia's smile, then she was plunged back into darkness. It only lasted a moment, and then began to lighten. Murmurs began to buzz in her ears, like the white noise of a radio. There were a couple of voices speaking, then only one, and it was the only one that mattered.
"Danica, can you hear me?"
Before, under the tree, she had done everything possible to block out his face and voice. Now, he was all she wanted. She blinked once, then twice, and his face came into view.
"Thorin,"
"Thank Mahal,"
He pressed a kiss to her forehead, and, for a time, she allowed herself to bask in the warmth of it. After all, she knew that most of the peace was behind them, and the worst was yet to come.
"There's not even a scar," Thorin breathed, taking her face in his hands.
Afraid to believe it, Danica raised her own hands to her face, and found it smooth, with no trace of cut or scar. She and Thorin shared a smile, and embraced again.
Fili and Gandalf expressed their relief then, before Fili went to wake the others. Danica's attention went to the big cat laying motionless beside her. She leaned only a little out of Thorin's arms, her head pressing into the cat's cooling neck. A few tears soaked into the fur. Estellia would be back, but the ache of her sacrifice weighed heavy on Danica's heart.
"Thank you," she gave the cat a gentle kiss, taking comfort in Thorin's hand rubbing slowly across her back.