A.N. Sorry this chapter took so long! Due to some health issues, I've been in some serious brain fog recently. Could also be the smoke covering California….If any of you live in the states that have been suffering from wildfire, please take care of yourselves. It's a crazy world out there right now.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my original characters and plot points.
The Company gave her smiles and hugs, relieved and grateful that she was alright. She let the warmth of their concern and affection wash over her, but wished to get the last bit of guilt out in the open.
"I know all of you will try to stop me, but I have to apologize," as she predicted, there were a few protests. "Please, I need to," once there was quiet, she continued. "Many of you warned me against going to speak with Rachel, and I didn't listen. I thought I knew her better than you, and that my judgment was better. These past few months, our relationship has been built on trust. Not only did I fail in trusting you, but I broke yours as well. The consequences of my actions were not just what happened to me, but the loss of Estellia. I promise you; I will never go against all of you like that again,"
"We don't blame you, Dani," Kili said softly.
"He's right," Bofur chimed in. "She was family to you, and you were only doing what you thought was best for everyone,"
Balin, Nori, and Bilbo had similar sentiments, and then looked at their leader. Uncertain, Danica followed their gaze. Ever since she had woken up, he'd been there. They'd been linked the whole time, even though they hadn't spoken much. He looked down at her, but some of the warmth she'd seen in his eyes earlier had faded. For some reason, he was distancing himself.
"What you did was noble, and honorable. All fault lays on Rachel," his words sounded heartfelt, and though she knew she had to be content with that, a small bit of hurt remained.
"Thank you," she said, forcing herself to smile at him, and the others. "I care for all of you very deeply. I would never do anything that I knew would harm you,"
More hugs were given, and then they had to get up, and mount the eagles again. All Danica wanted to do was change clothes and take a bath, but it was a race against time now, as Rachel would have told the orcs where the Company's next destination was. Conscious of this, Danica kept looking down, secured on her eagle's back by Thorin's arm around her waist. Despite the distance she felt growing between them, he remained with her. So, she tried to take what closeness she could, and eventually fell asleep again. When Thorin gently woke her, the sun had passed midday, and the eagles were descending. They made some spectacular, if not dizzying spirals, and were suddenly safe on the ground. The field was stunning. More beautiful than any she'd ever seen. Flowers created perfect beds that looked purposefully arranged, yet natural. A soft, deep drone warned of nearby bees.
"This is where we must part," Gandalf's eagle said. "Farewell! Wherever you fare, till your eyries receive you at the journey's end,"
"May the wind under your wings bear you where the sun sails and the moon walks," Gandalf replied. The exchange seemed vaguely familiar to Danica, and she thought she may have read it in the book.
Moving forward, the bees quickly made themselves known. They were huge, and though Danica knew they were no harm, they made her nervous. Over the buzz, Gandalf explained who their host was, and the nature of his shifting. Everyone was on edge when they reached the hedge that surrounded Beorn's home. Thorin was still by her side, but they no longer touched.
"Alright," Gandalf began, stopping them. "So as not to surprise out host, we shall introduce ourselves in pairs. Except John. You should come right after us, but by yourself. Bilbo and Danica shall come with me,"
"As will I," Thorin stated, tone warning against any argument.
Gandalf's lips pressed together in displeasure, but quickly caved. They were all too tired for fights.
"Very well. The rest of you will come two at a time, waiting for my whistle,"
They moved forward again, looking for a gate. Once they found it, it took Thorin and Gandalf's combined strength to open it. The gate was made of heavy, solid oak, clearly meant for keeping others out. Inside, they found a collection of hives, smaller buildings for sheds and stables, and a long, wooden house. A few horses came to greet them, considering them with intelligent eyes. After sniffing Danica, one horse stayed while the others trotted off. Danica stoked the horse's neck, not knowing how, but knowing that the horse understood she'd been through something terrible. The alarming amount of dried blood on her clothes was certainly part of it.
"They are likely going to warn their master," Gandalf commented.
With Thorin on one side, and the horse on the other, Danica felt secure following Gandalf and Bilbo toward Beorn. When they saw him, his appearance was more like what she remembered from the book. He was easily the largest person she'd ever seen, with a great, black beard, and black hair. The only clothing he wore was a large tunic that went to his knees, and was belted at the waist. He had been chopping some wood, and leaned on his axe.
"So, here you are," he stated gruffly upon seeing them. After assuring the horses that there was no danger, Beorn made his way over to them, keeping his axe in his hand. His eyes went to the horse that remained next to Danica, and then to Danica, herself. The grouchy sternness in his eyes softened. "Why don't you all come inside, and tell me why you are here,"
It was at this point that Gandalf risked telling their host about the rest of the Company. Though he frowned, Beorn said to bring them all in. The more dwarves he saw, the more disgruntled he became. Once all were on the veranda that looked out over the garden, Beorn took a close look at all of them. His eyes lingered on how close Fili, John, and Thorin were to Danica.
"A curious troop that comes to my door," he stated. "Who are you, and what is your purpose here?"
Gandalf began by introducing each of them. At each name, Beorn looked the individual square in the eye. After all names were said, he looked back at Thorin.
"I may not be over fond of dwarves, but I know your people to be honorable and respectful," he said. "You are welcome in my house,"
"Thank you," Thorin replied politely.
"I am curious to know how you all came together, and how you ended up here,"
Once again, Gandalf took the reins, telling as much of the tale as he deemed necessary. Beorn seemed unimpressed with most of it, but became more interested when the story reached their time in the mountains. He growled at the mention of the orcs, especially of Azog. Rachel's influence also enraged him.
"I have no tolerance for betrayers," he seethed. "If only I had been there! I would have given them more than fireworks,"
By now, Danica was so tired, hungry, and thirsty that she hadn't paid much attention. In fact, she kept nodding off on Thorin's shoulder. However, she noticed when Beorn fixed his gaze upon her again.
"You were equally brave, and foolish to act alone," his words held some sternness, but his eyes were kind and sympathetic. "Azog was given the name 'Defiler' for a reason. I cannot imagine you escaped his grasp unscathed,"
All she could do was shake her head. Beorn sighed.
"Hence why your protectors have not left your side. And yet, you appear to have no wounds,"
Danica meant to answer, but the thought of Estellia had her throat constricting.
"The cougar that Gandalf mentioned gave her life to heal her," Thorin answered instead.
"I see," Beorn nodded his head somberly. "Well, I am sure you would all like to clean up and get some food in you. There is a creek that leads into a nice pond just beyond those trees,"
Grateful beyond measure, everyone went in the direction he pointed. The awkwardness came again when they realized that Danica would have to use a spot that gave more privacy. She smiled at them as convincingly as she could, stating that she would fine, as there was a perfect spot right next to where they would be bathing. It was hidden by a few bushes, and deep enough for her to submerge her body.
"We will be right on the other side," Fili assured her.
She nodded, and walked behind the bushes. Once there, out of sight from everyone, she allowed her body to slump. For a moment, she just sat at the edge of the water, gazing into its surface. When she began to take off John's coat, she began to realize just how much of the evidence of her assault was still there. The wounds were gone, but there was blood everywhere. It had pooled around her sides, where both Rachel and Azog had stabbed her. Tears trickled down her cheeks, but she let them. Grief for all that had passed, not just to her, but to Rachel and Estellia overwhelmed her. Even as she silently sobbed, she made a promise that this would be the last time. The last time she would break over this. From now on, she would look forward, not back, though she wondered if that was possible with Thorin.
Fearing the haunted look she had seen growing in his eyes, she grabbed her clothes, and began washing them, feeling a little wary as she saw the blood cloud the water, and then travel down toward where the dwarves were bathing. Sure enough, a couple moments later, she heard Thorin's voice.
"Danica, are you alright?"
"Just washing my clothes," she responded, wincing as her voice cracked a little. There was some movement on the other side of the bushes, so she said, "I'll be fine. Really. Letting go of Estellia and all that has happened,"
"I understand," he began to move away again.
"Thorin," she called quickly, and waded closer. "Can I ask you something?"
She could just see the outline of his body through the leaves. He was leaning against a rock, just a couple feet from her.
"Of course,"
Nerves tied her stomach in knots, but she'd already started, and needed to know the answer. "Do you really not blame me for what happened?"
He sighed. "This is a difficult conversation to have when we cannot even see each other,"
"I'm sorry. You don't have to answer right now," but she needed him to.
"No, it's alright. I just wish…give me a moment," there was some splashing as he slid into the water, and waded to a place where the bushes sunk beneath the surface. Catching on to what he was thinking, Danica used her tunic to cover her chest, and waded to meet him there.
He was soaked, having also washed himself, and his chest was bare. She could hear the others in the background, splashing and playing. Her eyes remained on his face.
"You needed to be able to see that I mean every word of what I am about to say," he began, which only made her more nervous. "No, I do not blame you. What happened was…it weighs heavily on all of us. We failed to protect you. I failed to protect you. That will not be easy to let go,"
She nodded, feeling her stomach sink. "I'm sorry,"
Something akin to guilt crossed his features. "You do not have to apologize anymore. In fact, I ask that you forgive me. You are only here because of what happened between me and Rachel. If not for that, you would be at home, and safe,"
The thought was almost unbearable. "Safe, but having never met any of you. No matter what has happened, I wouldn't want that. Meeting you has been one of the biggest blessings in my life,"
She hadn't meant to let that out. A blush quickly rose to her cheeks, but Thorin missed her meaning, and remained dubious. "I cannot help but wish that there was a way for you to return to your time. That way, it would be easier to keep my promise to Estellia,"
That took her by surprise. "Estellia? She spoke to you?"
"Just before she died. She had me promise to take care of you,"
Which he felt he could not do. The hurt from earlier ached deeply in her heart. Their relationship had only started to become amicable in Rivendell, and then there had been that moment the night before they'd left. Other than that, they'd almost always been at odds with one another. And yet, she had hoped that he had felt something positive in meeting her as well. Something to chase away the darkness of what had happened.
"Do you not want me to continue with the quest?" she asked timidly. Once the words were out, she regretted them. She didn't want to know the answer. His eyes were tortured as he searched for his reply. Just at that moment, Beorn's voice rose above all the noise.
"Miss? I have some clean clothes for you, if you wish,"
Almost grateful for the interruption, she waded away from Thorin, and went back to the shore. wrapping the wet tunic around her, she met Beorn in the sunshine. In his arms were a couple of articles of clothing. The pants looked roughly, but sturdily sewn. She wondered how he'd managed so quickly.
"The tunic is a clean one that should fit once you've tied something around it, and the pants were sewn from a blanket that was unused on one of the chairs. They may still be too large, but they should be comfortable and durable,"
Most importantly, they were clean. Danica took them, and smiled up at the man.
"I cannot thank you enough for your kindness," she said earnestly.
Seeming to be at a loss for words, he put a giant hand on her shoulder for a moment, then walked away. Taking comfort in the new clothes, Danica went back to the water to rinse off once more, making sure her other clothes stayed on the shore, so that they could dry off. By this point, Thorin had returned to the others, but Danica knew they would speak later. They had to speak later. Somehow, the rough clothes had brought her peace. Once she had finished drying off, she slipped them on, pleased by their surprising softness. Yes, they were too big, but they stayed on her body well, and reminded her of sweat clothes. As she was walking back to the house, John caught up with her.
"Glad to see that you have some clean clothes," he said with a smile. The smile was so easy, the same he'd given her time and time again. She adored him for that.
"They're incredibly comfortable," she said easily. "My other clothes will probably need to be washed again,"
"Well, we can wash together then. My coat is still a disaster,"
Currently, he was only wearing his pants and tunic, like nearly all the other dwarves. Cleaning up had taken a bit of the dark cloud off everyone. It was like they could start to put the horrors behind them.
"On a happier note, I have something for you,"
They walked into the main hall of the house, and walked over to where some of their possessions were. Among them was the bag of dwarvish books, and her spear. She gasped, and instantly took hold of it. The last she'd seen it was when she had given it to Thorin before talking to Rachel.
"How did you manage to get it?" she asked.
"Thorin handed it to me as he was watching you speak with Rachel. I made sure to keep hold of it so I could return it to you. Can't have you continuing on this quest without the only weapon you're any good at,"
"Now you're just being mean," she frowned, but felt such a lightness. "But thank you,"
It would have hurt her to lose the weapon, not just because it was the only one she could really fight with, but because it had been a gift. She wanted to take the spear outside to run some of her drills, but the sun was setting, and food was being set out. The Company had gathered around the large table with Beorn, who provided them with plenty of food and mead. Sensing the lift in her mood, Fili and Kili sat across from the table from her, and told a few jokes before Beorn began telling them tales of his own. Tales of his people in the mountains, and their fights with the goblins. His voice was deep and soothing, and everyone remained completely silent, hanging on his every word.
Sometime later in the evening, he bade them a goodnight, and left. Gandalf warns everyone not to go outside for their own safety, and then settles down with his pipe while the dwarves begin singing. Danica had allowed herself to drink some of the mead, and reveled in the relaxed, buzzed feeling it produced. While the dwarves sang, she sat in front of Fili as he braided intricate plaits into her hair. He translated any of the songs in Khuzdul, and made more jokes concerning the occasional drunken bad notes that escaped the singers. Fili's touch, and the alcohol had her falling into a trance. Through her haze, she noticed Bilbo falling asleep in the corner. Gandalf noticed too, and announced that they should all go to bed. The animals had provided beds for each of them, which was more than Danica could have wished for.
As she settled in between Fili and Kili, she looked to where Thorin lay, on Fili's other side. Did he really want her gone? She began desperately wishing for the moments after she'd woken up, when he'd held her without hesitation. It all confused her so much, but her mind was far too worn to try and sort it out in that moment. Perhaps it was better this way; go back to how they were after Rivendell, and focus only on the quest. Her mind could accept that, and yet her heart still ached.