Chapter 55 – Broken Souls
The liquid burned as he chucked it down his throat. It numbed the pain. Made him block out his thoughts.
Anakin set the half-empty glass aside, the whiskey inside swirling dangerously close to the edges for a moment. Not that he paid attention to that. In front of him lay the dismantled remains of his prosthesis where he had tried to do some rewiring. He wasn't really trying to fix it. It was more of an excuse to get away from the others. The alcohol was just a welcoming bonus.
He should be with his family. With his kids. With Padme. But instead, it had drawn him here, into a small makeshift workshop in the more secluded parts of the Negotiator. His inner demons kept him from facing his responsibility. Anakin reached out towards the glass again, taking another gulp.
His eyes focused on the glass, momentarily blocking out his surroundings. He didn't notice when someone found his hideout and entered the room.
"I don't think you'll find the answers you're looking for on the bottom of that glass."
Anakin lifted his head, noticing Obi-Wan standing in the door way, his arms crossed over his chest.
He turned away again and shrugged. "Don't know, seemed pretty convincing to me."
Obi-Wan sighed and made his way over to him, taking a seat on the other side of the table. Anakin noticed that he had changed his clothes. Instead of the armor, he now wore a black long sleeve the clones normally wore underneath it. A bandage peeked out from underneath the sleeve on his arm, where his lightsaber had burned him.
Anakin took another swig, grimacing.
"I'm sorry about earlier", Obi-Wan said, studying him intently.
He avoided his friend's gaze and looked at the glass in his hand. "Just forget it. I understand."
His friend hummed quietly, his eyes wandering between the glass and the prosthetic. "What are you doing here, Anakin?"
He snorted and pointed at the prosthetic limb on the table with his glass, the liquid almost spilling out. "Isn't that obvious? I'm fixing my …hand."
"Really?", Obi-Wan sounded a little humored and bended down to take the whiskey bottle he had placed on the floor underneath the table, "And how did this get here?"
"Think that one was here all along," Anakin mumbled evasively, not really wanting to talk.
Obi-Wan placed the bottle between them on the table. "That's kind of strange, I'm certain that I didn't put my whiskey here... But maybe I'm getting senile... I heard that happens with age."
Anakin couldn't help himself and snorted. "You have to admit, the compartment under the holo table in the Briefing Room wasn't a very good hiding place."
"Until now I wasn't aware that I needed to hide my alcohol supplies."
Sighing, Anakin set down his glass. "Neither did I." He rubbed his hand across his face, then looked at his former master. "Shouldn't you be with Satine?"
"I was," Obi-Wan tilted his head, "But she went to help Padme with the kids. Which is supposed to be your job."
Anakin grimaced and squeezed his eyes shut. "I know… I just … can't."
"What are you afraid of, Anakin?" asked Obi-Wan gently.
He pursed his lips and pushed the glass aside, thinking about it. "Losing control, I guess." He opened his eyes again and looked into the blue-gray ones of his counterpart. "The chip may be removed - and Sidious is dead - but... it was my rage that brought me so far to the Dark Side in the first place. What if... what if Sidious is still somehow inside my head? And then maybe I attack my own family? I mean... I almost killed you. And I freaked out a few hours ago – just because you put a hand on my shoulder."
He made a move to grab the glass again, but Obi-Wan beat him to it. His friend grabbed the alcohol and downed the glass in one go without so much as a grimace. Anakin blinked slowly.
"That was mine," he complained rather unambitiously.
"A pity," countered Obi-Wan dryly, setting the glass down with a clack, "Do you trust me?"
Anakin paused a moment before answering. "Sure."
Before he spoke Obi-Wan reached for the alcohol and filled up the glass in front of him, fuller than before. Anakin said nothing to that.
"I know I've always tried to teach you that it's important for a Jedi to maintain control of his powers," his friend spoke calmly, then took a sip of the whiskey, "Well, the truth is... that it's nearly impossible."
Obi-Wan looked at him. "There will always be something that threatens to push you over the edge."
Anakin understood what his master meant. Losing someone was never easy. Even if you somehow managed to let go in the end. When the blood was on your own hands, the memory bored into your mind. And it never let you sleep peacefully again.
His friend continued. "Maul did it to me, you know? He knew exactly how to hit me. And he took advantage of that."
Obi-Wan lowered his eyes and took another sip. His hands were shaking again, Anakin noticed.
"That day, when he made me shoot Satine…, I fell. And I barely turned back."
"So the footage was real," Anakin muttered, "I saw it at the hospital just before Palpatine called me and ordered me to see him."
His master nodded stiffly, not meeting his gaze. "When I finally killed Maul later on, I… I almost felt relieved. Although I knew he had been one of Palpatine's tools as well. Another broken soul."
His eyes went wide. "You killed Maul. But…how? When?"
His friend's face grew steely and the hairs on the back of Anakin's neck stood up. "Obi-Wan?" he asked when the other still didn't speak further. Carefully, he reached out over their bond and gently tapped against his mentor's mind. To his surprise, Obi-Wan let him in and Anakin almost pulled back instantaneously as the wave of guilt that came his way threatened to overwhelm him. But he didn't. This was too important.
"When he had attacked Satine and me...," his mentor swallowed thickly, "He had kidnapped Ahsoka. It wasn't until Quinlan broke me out of prison that I was able to follow them. I found them both on Zygerria."
At last he looked up, and Anakin found himself facing blue eyes that spoke of unprocessed trauma.
"Then what happened?" he breathed.
Obi-Wan drew in a shaky breath. "Maul had sold Ahsoka as a slave. I followed him to an arena where he was waiting for me. We fought - and he lost."
Anakin knew more must have happened there, but he held back and let his friend continue to speak.
"Then I killed Queen Miraj's guards and forced her to take me to Ahsoka... They had kept her in a cage - suspended high above the city."
Anger boiled up inside him and his remaining hand clenched into a fist. How dare these monsters do such a thing to his Padawan?
Obi-Wan continued to speak. "I freed Ahsoka and was able to escape with her to Alderaan. But... she was injured and distraught. When she first woke up, she was so frightened that she struck out at me. I haven't been able to get her to talk about the whole thing yet."
His breath got caught in his throat. "I didn't know," he whispered, "… I just assumed that you somehow managed to flee Coruscant together."
"No," his mentor breathed, "It sadly was not that simple."
Anakin shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. "Why are you telling me all this?"
"Because you needed to know, Anakin. If we want to understand what is going on in each other's minds, we have to be open with each other."
He was right.
Anakin's mouth was dry as he spoke next. "Obi-Wan, I think I need to show you something."
He used his left hand to grab something from the inside of his robe. His fingers clasped around the holocube, leaving the commlink behind for now. Reluctantly, he pushed it onto the table.
"Do you remember this?", he asked carefully.
Obi-Wan remained silent, eyes tracing over the object, before he reached out. His fingers trembled even more than before; Anakin noticed. Carefully, his friend picked up the cube, stroking its surface. His thumb caught on a particular spot. An engraving that Anakin must have overlooked before. From his place he could not recognize what was written there. Obi-Wan's expression was unreadable as he stared at it.
"It was a gift from Bant," he finally muttered, swallowing thickly, "I got it for my birthday."
Anakin waited patiently as Obi-Wan flipped the switch on the device and the cube unfolded, revealing the holos inside.
Eyes leaving the cube in his hands, Obi-Wan's eyes looked at him. "Where did you get this?"
"I-," Anakin started, but paused as he realized that he had no idea to approach this, "I got it from your quarters. Here on the Negotiator."
His friend's brows furrowed but Anakin continued on. "Vader, he… something lured him there. I don't know why. That cube…," he absently rubbed his neck, "Looking at it created a crack in the chip's defense... I got past Vader. Even if it was just for a few seconds."
Absently, he began to fiddle with his prosthesis on the table. "Sidious wanted me to bleed my crystal… And when I tried, I- I saw you. Lying in the hospital bed. I tried to wake you up, but… well, you know that did not happen for a while."
Obi-Wan only hummed before taking his eyes off him again. Anakin wished that he would say something. That he would yell or maybe even cry. But there was only silence.
His master turned the cube in his hands, taking in the memories he had collected over the years. His normally blue eyes had turned into a stormy gray again and looked glassy. A wave of sadness rippled through the Force.
Unable to stand the silence any longer, Anakin snapped his friend out of his daze. "Obi-Wan?"
His friend looked up, his eyes glistening. "Sorry," he wiped his eyes, "Sometimes it just feels like they have only been gone for a day."
Anakin's chest tightened painfully as he watched his master. And somehow that made him decide that maybe now was the time to tell Obi-Wan the truth.
He focused on the cube in his friend's hands instead of facing Obi-Wan, as if that would make 1it any easier. "I miss my mother everyday," he began, unsure how to put his thoughts into words.
Obi-Wan's gaze now rested on him but he couldn't bring himself to look up. His thoughts circled. And no approach seemed right to him.
"You have every right to do so, Anakin," his mentor countered, "She was your family, after all."
Nodding stiffly, Anakin bit his lips and let the silence hang between them for a moment. He had to say it. He couldn't carry that burden around forever.
"I did something terrible," he murmured then, his voice so low it was barely more than a whisper. But Obi-Wan had heard him.
"What the chip did to you was not your fault...," his friend started.
Anakin finally gathered up enough courage to raise his head and fixed the blue eyes of his counterpart. "That's not what I mean, Obi-Wan," he interrupted him, watching his master's mouth close again with a clack.
"I did… It happened when I still was your padawan."
He couldn't read anything from Obi-Wan's face - except that the man was trying to understand what had escaped him.
Anakin knew he was about to disappoint his mentor, and that fact hurt more than any hateful word that had ever been exchanged between them.
"What is so bad that you are so afraid to tell me, Anakin?" asked Obi-Wan gently.
Anakin uneasily began to tap his foot on the floor. Obi-Wan would never be able to look at him again.
"Remember how I told you how Padme and I flew to Tatooine and looked for my mother?"
His friend nodded silently. Of course, he remembered that. Anakin had thrown it at him over and over again that he was to blame that his mother had not survived.
Anakin licked his dry lips. The words almost stuck in his throat. "I only told you half the truth."
Obi-Wan remained silent, watching him closely.
"When I found my mother..." his voice broke and he noticed tears gathering in his eyes, "...the Tuskens had tortured her... She died in my arms."
He wiped a tear from his cheek with his hand and turned away. Anakin couldn't manage to look Obi-Wan in the face any longer.
"The pain was overwhelming... and I... I turned it into anger."
He swallowed hard.
"I killed them all. The entire tribe. Men. Women... Even the children."
It felt like a merciless coldness was settling into his bones. Shivering, he dared to lift his head again. Obi-Wan stared back at him, shock written all over his face. The blue in his eyes had given way to a cool gray again. Anakin could no longer feel their connection, even as he tried desperately. He hit a wall.
As if caught in a trance, he watched Obi-Wan get up and walk toward the door.
"Please don't go," Anakin whispered brokenly, his eyes still fixed on his friend's back, "...don't leave me alone."
Obi-Wan halted in his tracks, but did not turn around. He ran shaking hands over his face.
For a moment Anakin thought that he might just leave. His master had every right to do so. In retrospect, Anakin should have confessed to him right after Geonosis - but there had been no trust between them. Not after Anakin had almost let Obi-Wan fight Dooku alone for Padme. Instead, there had only been arguments, hurtful words, and incomprehension.
Obi-Wan turned around stiffly and Anakin could see that tears had come to his eyes as well.
"What... what made you think slaughtering them would make it better?" he breathed, his voice cracking. There was anger reflected in his voice, but also just unending disappointment.
Anakin shook his head weakly, now no longer having the strength to hold back the tears. "I... I don't know...you'll have to take my word for it... please, Obi-Wan..."
Obi-Wan remained standing on his spot, clenching his jaw tightly.
His friend's silhouette blurred again and again as tears ran down Anakin's face. "Maybe you were right from the start," he sobbed, "I'm dangerous... I should never have been trained."
He had only ever written off Obi-Wan's words as jealousy at the time. That Anakin should get the master Obi-Wan had fought for all his life, just like that. Just because Anakin was different. Stronger. More worthy of being Qui-Gon's Padawan than Obi-Wan had ever been.
In his flood of tears, he hadn't noticed Obi-Wan approaching him and crouching carefully. With a blur, Anakin saw him raise a hand. Involuntarily he flinched. Obi-Wan would never hit him, he knew that deep inside. And yet he could never forget the years as a slave.
His master seemed to notice Anakin's reaction and lowered his hand again. "Anakin..." he tried instead, his voice again taking on a softer tone, "...look at me."
He couldn't.
Hands moved underneath his chin, gently lifting his head up. Anakin found himself face to face with Obi-Wan again. The anger in his master's eyes had deflated.
"I will not abandon you," his friend spoke quietly, eyes never leaving his, "And you are not a monster, Anakin."
"But I killed them all," Anakin croaked, wanting to tear his gaze away again.
"I know."
Anakin searched Obi-Wan's expression. But there was nothing there. No anger. No disappointment. Just blankness. But not because his friend was trying to hide his emotions. No, but because he didn't know how to deal with it himself.
He offered him no platitudes that might make it easier. No solution. Not even a reassuring word.
Only I know.
I know. And I can't take away your guilt.
Anakin shallowly pulled away from Obi-Wan and rubbed the tears from his eyes with his arm. Neither of them was innocent when it came to killing. But what he had done hit differently. It had forged Anakin's connection to the dark side. The connection that Palpatine later exploited for himself. And they both knew it.
Obi-Wan stood back up from his crouching position and rubbed his hands through his face before looking at Anakin again. "Is there anything more you want to tell me?" he asked quietly.
Shaking his head, Anakin held his gaze. "No, I promise."
"What will happen now?" he muttered, absently rubbing his stump. It suddenly ached.
"What do you think?"
Anakin shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know... will you... are you going to tell anyone?"
Obi-Wan huffed. "I don't think there's anyone left I'd have to tell," he replied briskly.
That was the painful truth. The Jedi Order was no more. There was no more council. And that also meant Anakin had no one to defend himself to. What he had done would remain solely on his shoulders, knowing that he would not be prosecuted for it.
"Sorry." Anakin turned back to his prosthesis on the table, trying for a moment to escape Obi-Wan's piercing gaze.
"Do you want me to go?"
It was a simple question, but it still gave Anakin pause. Did he want Obi-Wan to leave? Now that everything was out? Anakin gnawed on his cheeks.
"No," he finally said, turning to his friend, "I... I could use your help here."
Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow in confusion. "I don't know if I'm going to be much help fixing this."
Anakin pressed his lips together and expelled a breath through his nose. "I can teach you - if you like, of course. I will not force you. And... well," he waved his remaining hand, "It's usually a little faster and easier with two hands."
His mentor seemed to think about it for a moment, but then settled back down across from him.
"I thought that was always a thing you preferred to do alone."
That was true, of course. Tinkering with droids, or even fighters, had always been something to sooth Anakin's mind. For him it had been his way to meditate. Other persons joining him had disturbed him more than supported him. Obi-Wan knew that and had given him his space, so it was more than understandable that he was confused about Anakin's offer.
Anakin arranged his prosthesis in the middle of the table and looked at Obi-Wan, who was still waiting for a reaction. He couldn't explain to himself why he didn't want to do it alone now. Maybe because he really needed help. Or maybe he was afraid to lose Obi-Wan again and hoped to rebuild a connection. They both needed a new start. Not only to recover from what had happened, but also to get along again. He would try to understand his friend better, so he hoped that Obi-Wan would do the same for him.
"I don't know," he admitted, "Maybe it's time to start all over again. This time without lies and secrets."
Obi-Wan let his eyes wander over the metallic hand on the table before they came to rest on Anakin's eyes again.
"Fine," Obi-Wan muttered as a shallow smile crossed his beard, "But I'll only do it on one condition."
"Which is?" queried Anakin.
"You finally talk to your wife and stop hiding from your family."
His heart skipped a beat. "I don't know if I'm ready for that yet, Obi-Wan," he blurted out.
"It doesn't have to be today. But your children need you, Anakin. And so does Padme."
He nodded stiffly, swallowing hard. "I will. I promise."
"Good," Obi-Wan took the severed prosthesis in his own hands, "Then show me how this works."
Finally, the new chapter :) A funny thing is that the epilogue of this story is already written... only the chapters in between are still missing (this story is actually over 300 pages long by now). Well, now I'm done with my rambling, I hope you have fun reading this chapter!