Chapter 17 - Search for Balance

DISCLAIMER: We do not own Star Wars or any of the characters in it, though we wish we did. xD

Author's Note: In which Ahsoka talks to Anakin, deals with bullies, and hangs out with Padme. :P

~ Amina Gila

"I'm hardly sure what to do now," Ahsoka shakes her head, lifting her gaze to stare out the window opening across the surface of Coruscant. "I'm so used to people giving me orders that now when no one does, I just don't know what to do."

Anakin looks up at her, watching her closely. He knows that feeling. It was confusing for him at first, too, after Qui-Gon freed him so long ago. Except even now, he has people to give him orders. He's not completely free. He has to admit that at least to himself. He still has the Council to listen to. But this was the life he chose, and now that the war started, he's good and stuck in it, even if he has contemplated leaving several times. After his marriage to Padme, it's sometimes hard to stay in the Order knowing he's broken the Code like that. But he has to stay. He's not going to leave Obi-Wan. Never.

As time goes on, Anakin is beginning to realize that he and Ahsoka understand each other deeply in a way no one else ever has. Their life experiences have been much too similar, though after everything, Anakin still managed to choose Light while Ahsoka had gone Dark... somewhat. "The Council has offered to let you become a Jedi, right?" he states more than asks.

"They were considering it, but..."

"You're not sure you want to," he finishes her unspoken statement. If he was her, he knows he certainly wouldn't want to. In truth, the Jedi did fail her. Again, reminding him of the reason he'd wanted to be a Jedi in the first place, at least part of the reason. Yet all this time, he'd never had a chance to do anything about slavery. If he had, they could have freed Ahsoka long ago, and Dooku never would have found her. How many others shared similar fates to her, but never had anyone to rescue them in the end?

"I mean, we have to stop the Sith," Ahsoka adds, glancing sideways at Anakin, reminding him that she knows but won't tell him.

"Something we could do more easily if I actually could do something to help," Anakin grumbles. He still fails to see how their refusal to tell him anything is going to help at all. If he knows the Sith, wouldn't it be better if he knew who it was? He's been trying to keep an eye out, but... he hasn't seen anything. He hates searching blindly. It's like the Council is waiting for him to find proof alone, even if whatever is done by practically illegal means. Not happening.

"Maybe," Ahsoka replies carefully.

"I need to know!" Anakin insists.

She gives him a look. "I know that, but I hardly trusted Obi-Wan enough to tell him. And –"

Anakin jumps up, anger spiking, and he doesn't want to accidently lash out at her. No. It was him who wanted to do everything possible to save Ahsoka after all, and she doesn't even trust him. "I was the one who wanted to try and save you from Dooku in the first place!"

"I know," Ahsoka says, her own frustration growing, "But I've never trusted anyone before. I hardly know how to."

A small amount of his anger deflates at her words. Of course, she'd be having a hard time trusting anyone with the life she's had. "Still." He hates it hurts as much as it does. It doesn't feel anything like they're trying to protect him or whatever. It feels like they don't trust him, to the point where they aren't even going to let him fulfill his life's sole purpose.

"I want to tell you, but really, it hardly matters. We can't just go in there and kill him. We'll have to unravel his plans, and one wrong move will kill us. I don't want to get you killed, Anakin." There's an honest fear in her eyes, and suddenly, Anakin can't find it in himself to be annoyed anymore.

"Fine," he agrees grudgingly. He hates being left in the dark, especially about something as important as this, but he does trust her. He only wishes the feelings were reciprocated. At least it answers what he needs to do now: earn her trust. He thought he already did, and as hard as he thinks through everything that happened, he can't think of anything he's done wrong to make Ahsoka trust the Council more than him. Maybe it was something he didn't do?

"You know what, it's way past time to eat already," Ahsoka remarks, eyes drifting to the window. He's pretty sure she's trying to change the topic.

"Then hopefully you're up to cooking something 'cause I'm not," Anakin grumbles.

"The food I cook wouldn't be edible for humans."

"Then how about we just get some food from the Temple's cafeteria?" he suggests.

"Fine with me," she agrees, standing up also.

Anakin's comm beeps, interrupting the conversation. It's Obi-Wan. "Okay, you go ahead," he decides, "I'll catch up."

"Sure," she nods, darting out the door. He can only hope that's the right decision. Generally, she's never left alone when walking around the Temple.

**w**

Ahsoka hurries out the door, heading for the area. At least that's one place she actually remembers the location of in the building. It's just so huge she's always getting lost. Bit by bit, the memories of before she'd tried to suppress are coming back, including the layout. It's helping her a lot, but after trying to forget everything about her life as a Jedi entirely for seven years, the memories are much hazier than they would normally be. As she's heading down one of the last halls to get there, she catches sight of three presumably padawans walking down the hall talking to each other.

They stop when their eyes fall on her. One of them – a male Zabrak – steps in front of her when she tries to go around them.

"Hey," he calls, "Aren't you the Sith assassin?" She would have ignored the question, if not for the fact that the other two move forwards as well. She doesn't have a good feeling about this. They seem more than a little upset at her presence.

"I can't believe the Council is letting you walk around freely," one of the others – a Rodian boy – adds, glaring at her.

"My master ran into her once on the battlefield," the Cerean girl comments to the other two, "Where she really belongs is in prison."

"You should be grateful I agreed to give the Council the information they wanted," Ahsoka replies stiffly, "It's been very beneficial. Now, if you would excuse me, I need to go." She's doing her best to remain polite despite their insults, knowing if she gets angry it will give them even more reasons to be annoying. No wonder Anakin was so reluctant to let her go anywhere alone. She just didn't realize that people in a place like this believed in bullying. It makes her wonder just how much experience with this Anakin has had. It's hard to think of him having been mistreated that way, but the things he seems to instinctively know sometimes make her wonder.

"Even if the Council excused you so easily, I sure don't," snaps the Zabrak, "No one changes like that overnight."

"What? You think you know better than the Council?" Ahsoka shoots back, "And here I thought the Jedi respected them." Probably best to throw their own words back at them.

"Well, maybe this time, it was the wrong decision," suggests the Cerean.

"Besides, this isn't about us. It's about you," retaliates the Rodian.

"You don't belong here," the Zabrak snaps. He seems to be their leader. Ahsoka can't help but wonder what their masters would say if they knew about their current behavior. Not like she's going to be tattling. She's learned better than that. "A Sith has no right to be in the Jedi Temple."

"And how do we know you're not a spy, anyway?" adds the Cerean.

"You don't," Ahsoka offers, "But I suggest you trust your own Council." She can't help that her frustration is slowly growing. It's no wonder a lot of people don't like the Jedi. It's not like these Padawans are terribly young, either. If they carry on through their lives with this attitude, it's no surprise Dooku left them and thought the Order was failing.

"You're just a –"

"What's going on here?" A sudden voice demands harshly, and Ahsoka glances over her shoulder. Anakin. She hadn't expected him to arrive so fast. It's probably a good thing he did.

"Nothing," the Zabrak says hastily, dodging past Ahsoka, heading away down the hall. Throwing a last glance over their shoulders, the Rodian and Cerean follow him.

Anakin glares after them but moves forwards to join Ahsoka. "That's the last time I'm letting you go somewhere by yourself."

"I had the situation completely under control!" she protests.

"Still. I'm not. There are a lot of people like that at the Temple." For some reason, when he says that, Ahsoka can't help but get the feeling he's speaking from personal experience.

"I have to admit it makes me wonder what they'll grow into," she remarks, "They have an awful lot of darkness for being Jedi."

"Well, we're not all perfect," he points out.

"I know," she concedes, "But still. They act like they can only use the Light, and if someone uses the Dark Side, it immediately makes them evil. But really, there hardly even are sides to the Force. It's existed long before the Jedi and Sith split it into sides. Without the Dark, Light wouldn't exist at all, and people wouldn't even know how to appreciate it."

"... Hmm. Good point." Honestly? She's surprised he agreed.

**w**

"I checked the security around the building," Ahsoka informs, walking up behind Padme. With Anakin and Obi-Wan having left on another mission, she decided to stop by at the Senator's apartment for a visit, to discover preparations being made for some important political meeting. One that Padme was afraid someone may try to sabotage. "The outside is clear," she adds.

"I appreciate you helping out, Ahsoka," Padme says gratefully, "These negotiations are crucial and there are a lot of people who don't want them to happen."

"You know," the Senator comments as an afterthought, "It might not be a bad idea for you to stick around."

"Thank you, Senator Amidala," Ahsoka replies. At least having once been an assassin herself has some benefits at times. She knows the best ways people may try to penetrate security. "But it's not really my place to mingle with politicians." That's something she's never liked, and probably never will.

The handmaid setting the table finishes and turns to head for the door. She frowns at the sight of the utensils sitting on the table. "I do have on question though," she interjects, stepping over to the table, "If you don't mind."

"Of course, Ahsoka," Padme responds, looking up from the datapad in her hands.

"Why did you set the table with utensils? Those delegates never use them and might find it insulting."

"Hmm, you're right," frowns Padme, "And I was very specific in my instructions."

"Excuse me!" she calls, turning to the handmaid. "What is the meaning of this?"

The woman freezes in place, and Ahsoka can sense the sudden danger in the Force. The handmaid spins around, a blaster in her hand. Leaping forwards, the Togruta grabs Padme, jumping across the table. A blaster shot rings out, flying straight over their heads. She hastily pushes herself up, tipping the table onto its side and ducking back down again.

"Is she on the guest list?" hisses Ahsoka, looking over at Padme as several shots strike the other side of the table. If only she had her lightsabers with her. It would make this so much easier. Well, she still has the Force...

"No," Padme whispers.

Ahsoka jumps to her feet in a flash, dodging out of the way of the next blaster shot. She raises a hand, Force-ripping the blaster away from the woman.

"Ahsoka, a bomb!" calls Padme urgently, looking out from behind the table.

"Send it to me!" she yells, ignoring the suddenly gleeful look on the imposter-handmaiden's face. Padme kicks the table at her. Raising a hand, Ahsoka throws it out the window, as the bomb explodes. Wood fragments that once made up the table fly everywhere.

Hopefully, no one was close enough to be injured in that explosion, but that must have looked awfully stupid for anyone flying past. Or anyone looking out a nearby window.

Throwing the orange robe to the ground and shifting into a changeling, the assassin runs for the door. Padme snatches up a nearby object, hitting the being hard across the head. The bounty hunter falls to the ground, unconscious.

"You know," Ahsoka says, walking over to the Senator, "You remind me a lot of Anakin sometimes." At times, she does wonder if they're something more than just friends, but she can't really be certain. It isn't something she'll outright ask about, but she can definitely tell Anakin has feelings for her. Ahsoka simply is uncertain if the feelings are reciprocated yet.

"Well, it looks like these negotiations will have to be postponed," Padme decides, smiling slightly at the comment.

"In that case," Ahsoka decides, "I guess I'll stay. I'd hate to see all that food go to waste." Not like there's anything to rush back to the Temple for anyway. Plo doesn't have much time to spend with her, and she'd really like to spend more time with Padme. At least their relationship is newer, and they don't have so much history together.

**w**

"So, has Gunray bought you a planet yet, or what?" Anakin's teasing voice catches Ahsoka's attention.

She blinks at him in confusion. "Huh?"

He smirks. "The second time we fought, I seem to recall Gunray saying 'come open this door and I'll buy you a planet!' or something equally ridiculous."

She snorts at how realistically he managed to copy the Neimoidian. "Luckily, no. I have no interest in owning a planet."

It's been a few weeks since she came to the Temple, and she's finally beginning to gain some semblance of belonging. It's a strange feeling, not one she ever used to think of herself as being capable of experiencing. Since she doesn't have much to do, Anakin decided she should catch up on some of her many missing years in school. Aside from when she was at the Temple, she never had much time to study anything before Dooku, and he only ever had a droid teach her the basics. There was always a far greater focus on her fighting skills. The only thing she really misses is sparring. She hasn't actually fought since the battle of Kamino, and it's strange for having been nothing but an assassin for many years.

She's also come to realize that the Jedi as a whole really aren't as good as the few individuals she knows on a personal level. Many of them are proud, cocky people who think they rule the galaxy. If they think someone is disobeying their impossible rules, then it automatically makes them evil. Master Windu would probably be the best example. How people can pretend emotions don't exist, she still has no idea.

Ahsoka is honestly impressed they succeed in putting on such a good show. No wonder so many Jedi Fall. They seem to think that one slight slip when one stops pretending emotions don't exist, and it instantly makes one evil and irredeemable. She's glad Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Plo were assigned to be the ones to watch over her. They're nothing like the rest, especially Anakin.

"Though I'd still like an answer for what I'm going to do with the rest of my life."

Anakin gives her a withering look. "Don't say things like that. I'm sure the Council will decide they can trust you eventually."

"We hope," she shrugs. She doesn't care for their trust. She's simply not sure what to do. Her whole life, she's been forced to follow orders. Now, there's nothing. She's free, and she doesn't know how to handle it. She doesn't think settling down to have a normal life is an option for her, anyway. She's always been a fighter. A bounty hunter, maybe? Not likely. She might not mind, but she doesn't want to leave Anakin here. It's even stranger to actually know what it means to be cared about. For the first time, she has friends here. Actual friends.

"Otherwise, I could always become a Senator assistant for Padme or something," Ahsoka teases, "That way we could both torture you with politics." Anakin has taken her to see Padme a few more times since they came here, and she's becoming fairly good friends with her as well. She still wonders about him and Padme, but it's not something she would ever question him about. It's not exactly her business, and besides, she doubts he'd admit to anything. She'd never tell on him, obviously, but she fully understands why he'd be reluctant to confess to anyone.

Anakin groans. "Unlikely, considering you have already made it clear that politics makes no sense to you."

"Things can always change, Skyguy," Ahsoka teases.

"Not things like that," he insists.

"Sure, they can," she quips. "I never thought I'd want to be a Jedi either. But here, I am so close to that, and I can't say it's exactly unwelcoming."

Anakin's reply is cut off as the door to the apartment opens, and Obi-Wan steps into the room. He's been gone for several hours, attending a Council meeting and some other important matters Ahsoka doesn't care to ask the details about. Well probably. Unless it has something to do with Sidious – which they still haven't been able to do anything about. No one has bothered to tell her if they've gotten closer on that goal, but she knows they're working on it. That is enough for now. As much as she wants to get going with it, Ahsoka understands they have to move slowly and carefully. It was her own suggestion after all.

"How'd the Council meeting go?" queries Anakin.

"It went fine," replies Obi-Wan, taking a seat next to him, "But I thought you'd be in bed by now."

"Well, I was a little busy here and Anakin decided to stay awake to keep me company," she replies, setting the datapad down on the table in front of the couch, exhaustion finally overwhelming her. It's getting really late, and she's frankly not even sure why there was a Council meeting going on at this time.

Ahsoka can hear Anakin and Obi-Wan talking to each other – probably bickering about something stupidly pointless, but she's not really listening. Finally, she finds herself leaning against Anakin. For once, Ahsoka feels completely content. She hasn't fallen asleep next to anyone in years. Not since when she was fairly close with some of the other slaves on Zygerria, but they're gone. It's a sign of deep trust, something she isn't sure they realize but doesn't really care right now. She knows they'd never hurt her, nor her them. It finally gives her the sense of companionship she's been aching for, for so long.