Author's Notes

This fic has received a lot of attention lately so thanks to everyone who followed/fav/reviewed the story!

Sophie opened her eyes, her eyelids fluttering as she got used to the brightness surrounding her. In barely a second, the darkness of her dreamless sleep had been substituted with morning sunlight. The rays broke through the tall, arched windows, illuminating the amber and maroon tones of the bedroom. Their bedroom.

She had barely come to her senses when she turned towards the other side of the bed, looking for him.

Only to find empty, wrinkled sheets.

She turned around again, the back of her head plummeting on the pillow. Despite the beauty of the blue-painted ceiling, the calming aura of the reflections from the crystal chandelier, and the warmth of the room, her heart sank in anguish.

It wasn't the first time, and she knew it wouldn't be the last. Very rarely could she get a glimpse of him in the morning, immersed in a deep, peaceful sleep. She had accepted his elusive presence because she enjoyed having something rare, special from him that she could cherish. She searched for it, like tilting an almost empty bottle of wine a bit more with every gulp, craving the next drop. And while she had gotten used to the scarcity of his closeness, it didn't erase the disappointment of not being worthy of it, all day, every day.

Her eyes took in the luxury of the room again. No matter how many times she had been there, and how many more she would be, she couldn't get enough of it. From the fine handiwork of the white closets and nightstands to the soft threads of the patterned tapestries decorating the walls. Everything was perfect, and it demanded her perfection. But it wasn't enough to fill the emptiness around her.

A quiet screech from the door made Sophie instinctively sit up and turn towards it. Despite it being ajar, Asbel slid into the room with gentle, quiet steps. Until he noticed Sophie and stopped in his tracks.

"Oh, so you are awake," he said, lifting an eyebrow. He wore one of his azure suits, but less elegant and tight than the other ones he owned. Despite the formality of his clothes, Sophie appreciated his modest appearance.

"Barely," she yawned, arranging the shoulder straps of her cream nightdress. "Why didn't you wake me up?"

He shrugged, "You had a long night. I figured I would let you rest." A cheeky smile appeared on his face, concluded with a wink. Sophie gasped, and she felt her cheeks burning. Instinctively, she grabbed one of the nearby satin pillows and threw it at him.

Using both hands, Asbel caught it over his head and scoffed, "Nice throw. Does that mean you are fully awake now?" Before Sophie could reply, he threw the pillow back at her, but she was unable to catch it, and it landed on her face before falling on her lap. "I'll take that as a no."

Sophie grunted, tossing the pillow away as she laid back on the mattress. Asbel chuckled and approached the bed until he sat on its edge.

She turned to him with a sulky expression. "Why did you leave so early today?"

"I had matters to attend to."

"What kind of matters?"

" Matters ." Sophie instinctively rolled her eyes at his condescending response, and Asbel frowned. "Don't give me that face."

She sat up on the bed and removed the tie holding her braid together. "I understand that you are busy, but it would be nice if I didn't have to wake up alone every day." She passed her fingers through the strands, undoing the remaining knots as she sighed, "We are technically still on our honeymoon, you know."

"I know," he whispered. "But I'd rather do something useful than toss and turn for hours."

Like the pillow from before, such a comment didn't go over her head either. She had paid attention to Asbel's advice on dealing with aristocrats, and even that talkative scientist of the Corps. His ways of noticing the little details in people; their quirks, fears, and mistakes, were no longer stranger to her. And she knew how to use them too.

"Toss and turn? Why?" she asked. Asbel looked away, towards an invisible horizon she couldn't see, let alone understand. She waited for a response, but she could sense his impassiveness tightly surrounding him. To get his attention, she grabbed his hand. "Asbel, you know you can trust me."

"Of course I trust you," he scoffed, turning to her with a playful smile. "Half of my company is pretty much in your hands."

"I wasn't talking about business," she replied. "I was talking about you."

Asbel frowned. That familiar gesture, swinging between calculating, concerning, and, overall, fearsome. No matter what she did, those blue eyes of his could always see right through her words and intentions. Every time she thought that she was finally at his level, that look would tell her that it was still too high for her to reach.

"Is this about what Campbell said at the wedding?" he finally said.

"What? No," she babbled, pushing herself back. Despite looking away, she knew she couldn't escape his profound perception. "I mean, yes. In a way."

"He drinks and talks too much. Don't let it get to you."

The memory popped up almost instantly. A happy couple, a celebration in a ballroom filled with music, food, and drinks. All interrupted by a drunken, old man. Party crashers were expected, given the magnitude of the wedding. But that one was no petty intruder: it was one of the members of the Assembly.

What a show! An Underground whore marrying Sheena's greatest fool.

Shame, impotence, and disappointment overtook Sophie's mind as if she were feeling them for the first time. And she could barely remember the first of the so many insults they had received.

"But we both know he isn't the only one who thinks like that," she muttered, her eyes fixed on the window. From supervisors to wicked mothers, no one approved of them as individuals and even less as a couple.

"So?" said Asbel. "People will talk no matter what. The only thing we can do is rise above them. Be better than them."

The tone of his last remark, and his distant presence that morning, indicated that he was convincing himself more than her. Another sign that she didn't fail to notice.

"Right," she said, turning towards him and tossing her hair to the side. "I just don't want you to regret this." With a lower voice, she corrected herself. "Regret me."

Asbel scoffed, "Now why would I do that?"

"I don't know," she said, hanging her head. "You've already had enough of all those comments and…maybe it's becoming too much."

Asbel grabbed her chin, tilting her face until their eyes intersected again. "We've already been through this. Their words only have as much power as you give them. You chose me, and I chose you. The rest doesn't matter."

Even if she had begun trying to help him, the tables had turned as they always did. She was back at the mercy of his advice and support.

They both have chosen to stay, to fight for each other. She had done everything he had asked for, and he had given her everything she wanted. So why the doubts?

Almost as if he were reading her mind, he whispered. "I love you."

Sophie couldn't help the feeling of warmth over her cheeks, or the instinctive smile drawing on her lips with the enchantment of his voice. Asbel let go of her face, grabbing her hand instead.

"I love you too," she replied, placing her other hand over his, cupping it. Even if she trusted his words, she wouldn't let him redirect the attention so easily, avoiding her help once again. "That's also why I know something is troubling you."

Asbel bent his neck and wrinkled his eyes. Sophie kept her stance, waiting for his answer.

"You are getting good at this, I'll give you that," he said. She felt the satisfaction in his eyes being injected into her blood, the thrill of it rushing through her body. It had taken her countless trials and errors, but she finally understood how aristocrats worked. How he worked.

Asbel sighed and let go of her hand. Sophie was puzzled at his action, almost expecting him to shy away again. But he didn't.

Instead, he laid on the mattress, his head resting over Sophie's lap. He observed her with softness, the sunlight from the window highlighting his brown hair and giving a delicate, golden tone to his skin.

Sophie softly combed his hair with her fingers, moving the strands away from his forehead. Asbel closed his eyes, and even though she wasn't expecting his answer anymore, he gave it to her.

"It's nothing major. Work's rather stressful at the moment," he gulped, his Adam's apple becoming more prominent in his throat. "And Oliver's birthday was…supposed to be last week."

Sophie instantly stopped her motion. He barely ever brought up his deceased brother, only during their biggest moments of weakness and honesty, and always with a veil of secrecy around it. Everything she knew was based on the little breadcrumbs he had given her to follow: a brilliant and humble brother, Asbel's only support in his malicious family. A tragedy that had scarred him, and a legacy of expectations he had never wanted or been prepared for.

"Why didn't you say anything?" she asked.

"Some skeletons are best kept in the closet. Or six feet under, I suppose."

"But you don't have to," she whispered, her thumb tracing the outline of his face.

Asbel opened his eyes again. "Hm?"

"You don't have to keep everything to yourself."

"I know, but it's safer that way."

"For you? Or for me?"

Asbel breathed out and closed his eyes once more. His hand searched for hers, and their fingers intertwined.

"For both of us," he said. Asbel's calm breathing over the silence of the room made Sophie think that he was about to fall asleep. But his eyelids began to flutter, revealing his blue irises again. He observed her for a quiet moment before whispering, "And that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate it."

"Appreciate what?"

"That you try."

That sight, that intimacy was what she hoped to see every morning without needing to search for it. Sophie had finally gotten that sweet drop she had been looking for. But she knew she could do better, make him feel better. She decided to push her luck, tilt the bottle just a bit more.

"Actually, I've been thinking," she gulped. "Since we still have a few days off, we could go on a little trip." She rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb, hoping to ease the expectancy and doubt slowly appearing on Asbel's face. "The northern districts, maybe? I've never been there, but I've heard that there is this beautiful lake near Orvud…"

"Hold on, you've never been there?" he interrupted her, frowning.

"No. I've only been to the south of Walls Rose and Sheena. And…below, I guess." The skeptical wrinkles on Asbel's forehead didn't disappear, but she tried to ignore them. "Anyway, what do you think?"

Asbel stood up with one sudden motion. He had his back on her, and even though he didn't let go of her hand, she could still sense him slipping away.

"I would love to," he said, and Sophie smiled. She still had him. "But we can't"

Her smile disappeared just as suddenly as it had emerged.

"Why?" she breathed out, drowning in dread.

"Reiss is starting to trust me beyond business. He is a very powerful man to have as an ally. I can't just…disappear." He turned to her, the sunlight shining on his profile. "He needs to know that I will always be there for him."

"But I already got him the signatures he asked for. What else could he need?" She tightened her hold on his hand, bending over to get closer, to reach him again.

"I have my contracts with the Military secured, and you'll become Chief soon," he said, no trace of the sentiments he had let her see just a moment before. "Things are going well for us. We can't get sloppy now."

Sophie let herself fall back against the headboard, taking in his words as she focused on his statuesque presence. Things were going well indeed, but it was never enough. Not for him, and not for her either.

Why was he always there for business but not for her? What was she missing, or doing wrong?

Asbel placed a hand over her shoulder, his usual way of guidance and comfort. But, at that moment, it wasn't enough.

"This is what I mean, dear," he said. "Yes, there are people who think like Campbell. That's why we need to keep working hard, prove them wrong, and reach the top. Then, nothing and no one will hurt us anymore, and we will be truly happy. Forever." He delicately slid his hands up her neck until he cupped her cheek. "Once you become Chief, we will go to that lake."

For the first time, she wondered whether being Chief was what she needed to be happy. But perhaps that was exactly what she was missing.

"You promise?" she softly asked. Asbel moved a lock of hair away from her face.

"I promise."

Sophie woke up with a gasp. Her sleep had been so deep that it felt like it had wiped her mind out. Her eyes were fixed on the wooden beams of the ceiling as she tried to remember. Dinner, tea, Levi.

Levi.

She turned around, extending her arm towards the other side of the mattress. Empty. Cold.

Alone again.

She stared at the ceiling again, counting the dents and marks of each beam to distract herself from that dangerous, familiar feeling of desolation. That her happiness, or any sense of closeness, wasn't meant to last.

"Hey."

Sophie gasped and sat up. Levi stood next to the doorframe wearing his uniform without the belts, a steaming cup in each hand. Instead of greeting him, she brought her knees to her chest, trying to warm herself up.

"Everything alright?" said Levi, entering the room.

"Huh? Uhm, yeah. It's just …" I'm cold. You scared me . The old habits and rules engraved in her brain instantly tried to figure out a convincing lie. Anything to avoid appearing weak or reckless. Until she remembered that she didn't need to do that anymore. "He always did that."

"Do what?"

Sophie looked away; her eyes fixed on the empty area of the bed. "Disappear. Every fucking morning. Sometimes for days." Noticing the silence in the room, she turned to Levi again with a gentle smile. "Sorry, it has nothing to do with you. Spilled milk, right?"

He remained stunned, a concerned expression on his face. Sophie didn't know what to say or how to explain. Bringing up the faults of her past relationship wasn't a suitable morning conversation.

But Levi didn't seem to be bothered by it. Instead, he sat on the bed and left the cups on the floor.

"I don't get why you stayed with such an asshole," he muttered, his back on Sophie.

"Because he hadn't always been an asshole," she replied. Levi looked at her over his shoulder, softening his gaze as she continued. "Yes, he became incredibly annoying, always acting all mighty with his condescending remarks. But at some point…" She took a moment to recall the easy days, the happy days. "He used to care about me."

"Did he really ?" he scoffed.

Sophie threw her head back with a sigh. Despite the distance and time to reflect that Yormgen had given her, there was still much confusion, mistakes, and fights that had gone unresolved. Many missing answers that, in the long run, a bitter conversation in a cell hadn't given her.

"I don't know. Probably not, and I was too blind to see it," she replied, his words echoing in her head. You were never special, just gullible and dedicated enough. That's why I chose you for this. "But at the same time… I just can't believe he faked it from the beginning. It doesn't add up."

"Why does it have to?"

Sophie stared at the one, tiny window of that room. Levi could only see her and Asbel's relationship through such a narrow lens, ignoring everything that surrounded it.

"He did things for me, told me things that I know for a fact he wouldn't have done for or said to anyone else," she explained. "He was always very careful about that."

"What's that supposed to prove?"

"That he trusted me." Sophie extended her legs, releasing the tension in her body. "For him, that was the biggest risk one could take. We only trusted each other. We only had each other" After a brief pause, she whispered. "And we both betrayed each other."

Levi scoffed, "How lovely."

"I know," she sighed.

Levi adjusted his posture on the bed, resting his back against the wall, one leg over the other.

"So what happened?" he said.

"Huh?"

Levi's gaze was away from hers. She observed his profile as he fixed his attention in some distant corner in the room. The gesture was oddly familiar, but it felt strange on Levi.

"If he trusted you. If you think he actually cared about you at some point," he gulped. "Why did the rest…happen?"

Sophie also turned away from him. All the memories came back at once like a distorted, hazy timeline.

"I don't know."

She did know.

"But you cared about him." Levi's tone was quiet, slow, and confident, like walking past a dormant beast. "At some point."

"Ages ago, I did. Yes," she admitted. "Back when I met him, we were both alone, carrying a burden we never wanted, one people thought we weren't even worthy of." Sophie noticed Levi's eyes on her again, but she pretended not to, keeping her attention fixed on the ceiling instead. "Maybe what drew us towards each other was also what ruined us."

Levi scoffed, "What does that even mean?"

Sophie rubbed her forehead. "Uhm, I…admired how he was so confident and calm about everything, come hell or high water. I liked that he could see details in people and situations that I couldn't, how he noticed and knew things about me that not even I was aware of." She counted the beams on the ceiling, a deliberate pause to measure her words. "And I know he admired how my dedication was fuelled by passion rather than ambition. I had that spirit and recklessness he had never been allowed to have, so he let me into his heart because he knew I wouldn't judge him for it."

Another pause. There was too much to omit, too many words to carefully choose. Levi kept his stance, patient but attentive. Even if he hadn't voiced it, she could feel him demanding her to continue.

"I guess that was the issue," she finally said. "For me, his impassiveness became cold-hearted and unnerving. His advice became patronizing, and his understanding of me became controlling." When recalling such early stages of their relationship, she almost felt like talking about a different person. But she wasn't the same foolish, Underground girl from then either. "For him, my passion ended up not matching his dreams and ambitions. My impulsiveness became too much to handle, too troublesome. And the fact that I was so close to him, that I knew the truth underneath all those expensive clothes and fake laughs, became dangerous to him."

"I see," Levi muttered, crossing his arms.

"Our relationship was already in shambles when I found out about the… business. We tried to pretend we were still on each other's side, but that farce didn't last long." She continued, "And then… we swung between hate and indifference. From a resented couple to simple business partners, back and forth. All while trying to bring the other down." Sophie scoffed and swayed her head. "Affairs, drinks, insults, using our past against each other…People weren't kidding when they said that nothing's fair in love and war."

"Affairs," he repeated.

"Huh? What about them?"

"Did he have any?"

That was a question she had never expected him to ask. The meticulously planned narrative in her head was replaced by honesty in an instant.

"Uh, I believe he was fond of some singer from the Capital, but it didn't last for long, I think. Courtesans talk a lot, so he probably couldn't risk not looking like the faithful husband with the crazy wife." She tried to recall her face again, but it had been so long ago and so brief, she couldn't anymore. "We were living separate lives, but business ties aside, we didn't dare to leave each other. Better the devil you know, I guess."

They both had sacrificed every part of themselves for that pretense of power and money. So much effort had been put into their work, even their relationship, that none of them wanted it to be wasted. That would've been a bigger disgrace than failing.

Sophie stared at Levi's absorbed expression. She hadn't mentioned Asbel's remarks about Levi. He hadn't asked about them either, something she was grateful for. But looking at him, she realized that he wasn't even listening to her anymore.

"I understand," he finally said.

"Hm?"

"We always come back to what we know. And what we like about someone can also be what separates us from them," he said. "I understand that."

Sophie turned to him, leaning on her side with her arm supporting her head. "Really?"

"Yes." He bent his neck towards her, his stormy eyes becoming clearer in the sunlight. "I've felt that too."

Sophie's heartbeat became faster and stronger. "You mean…?" With me?

"The day you left. That morning, I met someone," he interrupted her, and Sophie's stance tensed up in anticipation. Looking away, Levi whispered, "She didn't know who I was."

Sophie got closer to him, frowning as she tried to understand. "Like, your name or…?"

"She was… is a baker in Mitras. She was nice, easy to talk to." The oblivious gaze and the paused, faint stream of words made Sophie realize that he was talking to himself more than to her. "Betty. That was her name."

Without registering it, Sophie's lips parted, letting out a small breath. So that was the Betty from the notebook.

"Oh," she said, forcibly blinking in surprise. "Did you like her?"

Levi grabbed both teacups from the floor and gave one to Sophie. He folded his fingers over the cup in his usual grip, blocking the faint steam from the tea, and she wondered whether her bold question had exposed her.

"Yes," he said, turning to her but looking away. "She didn't know what it was like to see death. To be death, and to live with it. Hell, she probably thought that Titans were just fairy tales." With a whisper, he repeated. "And I liked that."

The warmth of the boiling tea surpassed the cup, heating her palm in an almost painful way. And yet, her attention was elsewhere. The burning question in her head was the fire she needed to put out first.

"Did you love her?"

Levi tightened his grip around the cup, his deep but calm breaths piercing through the silence.

His voice became a mere whisper. "You said that loving someone is choosing to fight for them. To not turn your back on them."

"That's my definition of it, at least," she noted, trying to ignore the numbness in her fingers from their strain around the cup and its heat.

"Then no, I didn't love her." He spitted out the words in a single breath. Without a moment's hesitation, he brought the cup to his lips and sipped the drink.

"Why?" Sophie asked, too stunned by his bluntness.

"I left her," he said, moving the cup away from his face. "I realized she would never understand what it was like to be like me, to live with all this…burden. Yeah, I left her."

For a moment, Sophie could feel the cup sliding away from her fingers. All the tension straining her muscles had disappeared, substituted by shock instead. She knew what he meant. Not because she had done that too, but because she had been on the other side. Left alone, waiting for an answer that never came. Not until ten years later, at least.

She gulped, "Did you ever tell her why?"

"No," he admitted. "I know I should've, but I didn't know how to explain to her that there were still Titans to fight and a world to save. I didn't want to hurt her the way it hurt me when someone I cared about...disappeared." Every word he said elicited the same tightness around her chest from her anxious visits to the mailbox. "I wanted her to forget about me, like with you and those letters.

Sophie breathed out. At least he knew. He remembered. But he had made the same mistake.

"I understand why you did that but… She deserved that explanation." Just like I did. Sophie left the cup on the floor next to her side of the bed, using the gesture to recover her composure and organize her thoughts. "Sometimes people need the truth to grow, even if it will hurt them. You can't always protect everyone."

"But you are also not telling Dan the truth."

Sophie froze. What right did she have to judge him for shying away from that baker, to judge his choices, when she was just as wrong?

She let herself fall back on the bed, the mattress sinking and quietly screeching. "Yeah, I guess I'm not good at this either," she admitted with a sigh, staring at the ceiling again.

"That's what I like about you."

She looked at Levi. "Huh?"

"We've both been shitty people. From the Underground to here." He put the cup down and laid next to her. "You know what it's like. You can understand what...this curse feels like. Being alone no matter how good you are or how much people admire you. Carrying on, even when the choices are wrong."

Their eyes were fixed on one another. Lovingly, but also, pitying. She couldn't contradict him about being a shitty person, and he couldn't deny his own curse either. Mistakes aside, they were both coming back to what they knew.

"Do you think that will ruin us too?" said Sophie.

"I don't know," he replied. "But I still want to try and make it work."

Sophie snorted, "I like how you phrased it." Seeing Levi's confused expression, she clarified. " Make it work ."

"Why?"

Sophie stood up, wandering around the room until she could stare right into that tiny window, trying to understand how he viewed the world, so she could explain to him how she did.

"A lot of people think that relationships run on an inextinguishable flame that will last forever. Even I used to think so, but whoever said that love is the strongest force in the world must've been a foolish bastard." She wrinkled her nose, sharpening her perception of the cloudy scene, the tiny houses expanding in the horizon, and the stone block at the end. "Huh, you can see the Wall from here. That's fitting."

"Fitting?"

"They have been there for a hundred years, right? No one knows how or why, but they are there. And people believed them to be indestructible, that no matter what we did or said, they would always stay." She turned around and shrugged, "And then…"

"They fell," Levi finished.

"If such grand, physical things can't last forever, withstand anything, why do we think that our feelings towards other people are any different?"

It was a rhetorical question. She wasn't expecting him to answer, just to reflect on it. But Levi did anyway.

"Gives us hope. Something to keep going," he said, adjusting his posture to lean on his side, facing her again. "We went outside the Walls because they were there. Because there was something to protect, something to come back to." After a pause, he added. "It's nice to think that there will always be someone waiting for you, no matter what you do or how many times you fail."

Sophie scoffed, "I didn't take you for the romantic type."

"I'm not. But I can see why people feel that way."

"So you don't feel that way?"

Levi didn't reply. Even though he wasn't wearing any belts, Sophie could see, feel him restraining himself again. She approached him and sat on the edge of the bed again and grabbed his hand. Levi's gaze softened with the gesture.

"I want the people close to me to be safe," he said. "My feelings are… irrelevant."

"That's very noble," noted Sophie. "But also very dangerous."

"I'm used to danger."

"Maybe you shouldn't."

"Yeah, maybe."

Without letting go of his hand, she laid her head over his chest, feeling his beating heart, the calm breathing brushing her forehead, the warmth of his touch.

"I feel safe when I'm with you," she whispered.

Author's Notes

Oh, look! A boring introspection chapter. Again.

Joking, this one was actually pretty fun to write. It gives a lot of insight into how they think about relationships.

Levi is more the avoidant type, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't want a loving relationship. Only that, being who he is, he is scared of that closeness and everything it entails. Sophie once believed in the whole "happily ever after" promise. She put up with a lot of shit to make that work, and as we have already seen, she isn't one to give up and let efforts go to waste. But it was because of that idealization of eternal happiness that she ended up mindlessly looking for that comfort in everyone and everything (affairs, drinks, work, etc.) to deal with her harsh reality. Meanwhile, Levi's coping relied on dedicating himself to his duty and shying away from people so no one would suffer the loss he had suffered.

Luckily, those two years apart have given them that distance and time to figure themselves out beyond their idealization of the past (aka who they were back in the Underground). Sophie is more independent (and even reluctant) in that sense, and Levi is starting to let go of that fear of closeness. In regards to their relationship, there is no rush or desperation to hold onto like before. That's nice.

However, they are still not being completely honest with each other, are they?

When it comes to Asbel and Sophie's dynamic beyond "business"... Phew! We don't want to unpack all that (yet). But if you lie down with dogs, then you'll get fleas.

And Miss Betty? We'll know more about that whole thing soon enough.

I hoped you liked this chapter! As usual, I love hearing your comments.

See you in two (?) weeks!