Chapter 6: So Many Questions
Peeta POV:
Katniss's hand is soft. Soft and delicate which contradicts her strong personality. Her steps match mine as we walk towards Victors Village. She is wearing her hunting jacket, so I think she must have been hunting in the morning. I have a gnawing urge to ask her what she was doing outside of the bakery. There is a foolish hope in my heart that she came to find me, but I am too afraid to ask.
Before I can get up the courage to ask Katniss anything, she freezes. Hesitantly, she whispers my name. I turn towards her. Katniss is looking at the ground with a beautiful pink color tinting her skin. She's nervous. The realization brings a smile to my face. She seems younger in this moment, more like the little girl I remember singing the valley song.
"What is it Katniss?" I urge.
She looks at me with trepidation. "Peeta… Can I ask you something?" she inquires. I'm confounded by her anxious energy. I nod my assent but feel a shiver run down my back. What could she possibly ask? A thousand scenarios go through my head, some good and others unbearable as I wait for her question. Her grey eyes focus on me as she carefully whispers, "Why doesn't your family live with you?"
It takes me a second to process Katniss's question but once I do, I can't help but laugh, all this preamble for such a simple question. Katniss's flush deepens at my laughter, and I know I've embarrassed her. She turns and starts to walk away from me, but I grab her hand and pull her back to me. Holding my laugh, I slowly ask, "Katniss why were you so nervous, I thought you were going to ask me to eat berries again."
She gives me a small reluctant smile. "I know sometimes… people don't like… things can be hard to talk about," she murmurs. For a few moments I stare intently at the beautiful women in front of me. I want to fix this moment in my mind. Katniss's deep eyes full of curiosity. The blush on her cheeks which reveals her embarrassment. The look of the few loose strands of hair that are sticking out of her braid. She often struggles with words, but this is the first time I've ever seen her try to conduct a conversation with tact. Usually, she is so point-blank and gruff that her attempt at being sensitive shocks me. She may not love me, but at least I know she cares. I smile at the thought.
We once again start our trek. I ponder over the best way to explain my family situation to Katniss.
Katniss POV:
Peeta's blonde curls are swaying in the wind as we walk. He hasn't answered my question, but I don't want to push. Instead, I wait, hoping he'll tell me. He looks at me with a smile on his face and a sparkle in his beautiful blue eyes. He is so incredibly handsome. I try to remember how the girls at school used to talk about him. I never really paid attention, but now I wished I had. Maybe then I'd know how to describe the enigma that is Peeta.
I feel him squeeze my hand as he turns his face away. "I don't think my family wants to live with me," he states. His voice is calm and devoid of emotion, but I'm sure it must be painful to talk about. "I think," he pauses, then continues, "I think it's hard for them, cause I'm not the same and I don't think they ever thought I would actually come back. Also, everything is so strange, I'm so different from before and… and they don't seem to really understand. My father, he's been trying, but I don't really fit with them anymore."
He faces me once more and shrugs as if what he's said is not that significant. He's trying to be strong, but the melancholy reflected in his eyes is unmistakable.
"Di-Did they say something?" I question tentatively. What could possibly make him think he didn't fit with his family anymore?
"No," Peeta shakes his head. "They don't really say anything to me, my mom doesn't even really look at me, I think she feels guilty," he finishes.
I nod. I still don't really understand, but I can't ask anymore questions. My queries could make things worse. I don't want to upset him. I try to imagine what he is feeling; lonely and isolated, distanced from everything and everyone that was important. I recall the conversation from a few months ago, the one in which he told me that his mother didn't think he could win. At the time I had assumed that it was a misunderstanding on his part, but now… Now I think, she must have really said that. I feel bitter resentment rise from the pit of my stomach.
She underestimated Peeta. I know Peeta thinks I saved his life, but the truth is I wouldn't have survived without him. Even without considering the bread incident, Peeta was the only reason I had sponsors. He made all of Panem see me the way he always has, beautiful, and worthy of love. Without Peeta I was just a girl in a pretty dress.
I feel quick hot anger towards his family. How could they abandon him? And Peeta, his selfless nature, he was staying away from his family to prevent their discomfort. I can't help but think he must be incredibly lonely. Trying to protect the feelings of others, he has accepted his own pain. Suddenly, I realize that it's not just his family, but me too. I've allowed his loneliness to fester. Peeta has probably been avoiding me to prevent my discomfort. He probably doesn't want me to feel guilty or burdened.
Once we reach our homes, I turn towards him. "Peeta, do you want to have dinner with my family tonight?"