Chapter 12: Always Something There To Remind Me
Peeta POV:
After lunch, Katniss and I walk hand in hand to the center of town. There are a few kids playing around in the street but most of the town is quiet. "Do you want to go to the bakery?", I propose. I feel my hand become clammy at the prospect of taking Katniss to the bakery, but I want her to know them, my family. She agrees and we walk to the bakery.
I enter in through the front door. My brother Bannock is standing at the counter and looks up as the bell chimes at our arrival. He seems surprised to see me. "Hey Peeta, we weren't expecting you today," he remarks.
"Yeah, just showing Katniss the bakery," I reply, waving to her. "Katniss, this is Bannock, he's the middle brother," I inform. Bannock smiles at Katniss, and they shake hands.
"Dad and Rye are in the back, and Mom's upstairs," he elaborates. I nod and lead Katniss to the back.
The kitchen is hot as we enter. My Dad is bent over towards the oven and Rye is kneading dough on the counter. "Hey," I say awkwardly.
Both my Dad and brother look up. My Dad's smile is endearing as he walks over to Katniss and shakes her hand. "I was wondering when Peeta will finally bring you around," he utters. Katniss smiles in return. Rye also greets her.
"I'm just going to show Katniss around," I say gesturing to the stairs. My brother and father nod in response. Katniss follows me as I climb to the second floor. First, I lead her to my mom's office. I knock on the open door once my mother looks up, I state, "I've brought Katniss to see the bakery." As I say this, I try to keep my tone as casual as possible, but my nerves are riding me hard.
My mother's gaze moves to Katniss. She gives a gruff nod and turns back to her papers. I wish she would say something more, but at least she didn't yell about Katniss being from the Seam. Katniss and I walk away from the door.
I take her to my childhood room. I haven't been here since I packed my things to move to Victors Village. I'd forgotten how small it was. "This used to be my room, I shared it with my brothers," I reveal to Katniss. We both walk inside. The room is cramped with barely any space to move around. There are two beds on either side of the room with two identical cupboards next to them.
"Where did you sleep?" she inquires.
"There used to be a bunk on top of that bed," I respond pointing to the bed behind Katniss, "I think my mom sold it after I moved out."
Katniss sits down on the bed. She pats the space next to her and I sit down next to her. It feels weird being here with her, weird but good. The silence is comfortable as Katniss looks around the room.
After a few minutes Katniss says, "Your mom… Has she always been so distant?"
I think about the best way to answer her question. I know Katniss dislikes my mother, but I don't want her to hate my mother.
"My mother wanted a daughter," I say. "Before I was born, I think things with her and my dad may have been better, at least that's what Rye says. He says that not having a daughter and knowing that we could not support another child was upsetting to her. It was another disappointment," I confess. "My father is a good man, but he has never loved my mother, I think that lack of love has made her bitter, she doesn't let herself think about anything other than survival, as far back as I can recall she has always been withdrawn," I continue. I feel ashamed, not for my mother, but because I am not what she wanted. I look away from Katniss. "Maybe if I wasn't born, and my mother had a daughter she wouldn't be so resentful," I finish.
My voice betrays my grief. This is a confession that I have never made to anyone. Being my mother's biggest regret and disappointment has always weighed heavily on my heart. I know Katniss will not judge me, but I can't make myself look at her. Katniss grabs my face in both her hands and turns my face to her.
My vision is blurred, and I realize there are tears about to fall from my eyes. I try to pull away. I don't want Katniss to see me. Not like this. But her grip is firm. I hear a sob escape my lips as the tears begin to fall from my eyes. Katniss pulls me in, and I rest my head against her shoulders. She whispers comforting words in my ear while patting my back comfortingly. Finally, when I have managed to gain control of my emotions I pull away. Katniss wipes the tears from my cheeks and looks me straight in the eyes.
Her gaze is piercing. "Peeta, it is not your fault," she says, each word comes out deliberately and confidently. I understand the individual words she is saying and yet am unable to comprehend the statement. Her hands are firm on my face as she repeats herself, then she continues, "You don't know how amazing you are, your family is lucky to have you." I hear her words but am unable to believe them. After years of this incessant fear that I am the reason my mother is so unhappy I cannot shake it away. How can my family be lucky to have me! I have made them miserable! They didn't want me! My thoughts are loud as they spiral around inside my brain, and I feel myself panicking. I take a few deep breaths as I attempt to calm down.
After I have calmed down, Katniss pulls me in for a kiss. It is soft and sugary sweet. I rest my head against her's once she pulls away. "I know you don't believe me, but I'll make you see that nothing is your fault," she proclaims.