Chapter 12 – Rebels and resolutions
Santana…
She woke up on the last day of December just like she had woken up the days before. With her mind immediately going back to what had happened between her and Brittany. Normally her first thoughts in the morning had something to do with laundry, cleaning, making breakfast or getting Iker ready for school. Ever since Christmas morning it had shifted.
It was so confusing because nothing actually happened. They just held hands. For like a minute.
But the thing was that something as simple as holding hands made Santana feel nervous. Brittany made her nervous. A good kind of nervous.
But Brittany was a girl… why did it feel like that?
She sighed and turned to her left. Iker's sleeping face was now right next to hers. Even though he liked his big new bed, he kept sneaking back into hers from time to time.
Santana closed her eyes. She wondered if Brittany even realized what she made her feel. If Brittany felt anything at all, too or if it was just her. What could it even be? They were friends like she was friends with Quinn and how Brittany and Quinn were friends, too.
Or not?
Did friends sometimes think about each other so intently? Were there different kinds of friendships? Those that make you feel comfortable and those that make you feel excited?
Maybe some friendships contained a little more than just hanging out and talking about boys.
Boys…
She wasn't stupid… she had heard of the term gay but wasn't that when you went to bed with a person of the same gender? Holding hands was nothing compare to that. Holding hands and a fast heartbeat could be something different. Like very intense friendships.
She was clueless and it bothered her.
It bothered her that Brittany was now probably at her trailer, dancing to clear her head and living like nothing happened. They hadn't seen each other since. Maybe they'd go back to school next week and keep doing what they were doing. Holding hands or not…
Maybe she was thinking way too much and made something big of something actually small. It was a characteristic she had from her mother, abuela used to say. Not so much lately.
Santana decided to try and think about it a little less. It only drove her crazy.
So she carefully untangled herself from Iker's legs and got up to get dressed. She hadn't cleaned the bathroom in almost two weeks. Time for something easy to take care of.
/
Brittany…
The eggs looked a little weird in the frying pan but Brittany was pretty sure she did it right. Her mom's last boyfriend Frank showed her how to do it once. Just put the eggs in the pan and wait. A bit of salt, a bit of pepper.
She wanted to surprise aunt Patty with some breakfast. They had never really eaten breakfast together and since Brittany really liked their little Christmas dinner, she thought it would be nice to start a new tradition with the new year. It was something that adults did all the time. Make up some new resolutions for the upcoming year. She could do that.
Aunt Patty made big eyes when she got up and the smell of bacon, eggs and coffee filled the room. At first she seemed hesitant because she must have remembered the spicy pasta incident a couple weeks ago. But then she agreed with Brittany's idea of starting a new tradition and eating breakfast together on the weekends.
This new guy in her life must have done something right… aunt Patty was so much more open and chattier. As a matter of fact they talked about their plans for the night when they munched Brittany's breakfast.
Patty offered her to come along to one of the neighbor's trailer. They'd sit outside on their garden stools, have a couple of beers and celebrate into the new year with some fireworks. While Brittany felt kind of flattered that her aunt offered to be together, she quickly told her about her own plans at Blaine's place.
Apparently Blaine's family was famous for their New Year's eve parties and many kids from school were invited. She was looking forward although she didn't really know what to expect. Lots of singing probably. Maybe some wine coolers.
Hopefully Santana would be there because Brittany didn't really know Blaine's other friends. Also, she longed to see Santana again.
Unfortunately, Quinn wouldn't be able to make it but they had gotten used to spending time just the two of them now. It was fine.
"Enjoy your night, Brittany" Aunt Patty said when Brittany was almost out the door to meet Blaine for some preparations. "Make sure you hug or kiss the right person at midnight!"
Brittany grinned when she closed the door. Who would have thought a couple months ago that aunt Patty would say something so joyously towards her. On their first night they hardly said goodnight.
With a happy sensation in her chest she grabbed her bike and made her way over to Blaine's place in order to help with the preparations.
/
Santana…
She collected all the dishes off the table, cleaned the surface and made her dad a fresh cup of coffee but even on the third time returning to the living room table, she couldn't bring herself to ask again.
Her dad had already said no the other night when she asked if she could go to Blaine's party. She was going to be the only one stuck at home while everyone else was out there having fun.
Except for Quinn…
But Quinn also wasn't allowed to come over for a movie night so Santana was going to be alone.
Tony was reading in a comic book and Iker playing with his favorite plane when Santana gathered all her courage for one last try.
"Dad… I know, I asked you yesterday and you said no. But I did all the laundry this morning and cleaned the bathroom. The kitchen is tidy and the refrigerator full. There's literally nothing I could do at home tonight. Can I please go to the party? I'll come home right after midnight, I promise."
She held on to the chair in front of her and glimpsed at her dad. He had just finished the coffee and looked pretty much sober. It was always best to ask him those things when he was sober. Best chances to get a yes.
But when he didn't even look her in the eyes, she knew his answer.
"No" He said and scratched his forehead.
Just no… once again.
"But dad, I really want to go. I want to see my friends. I can't always be the one who has to stay home-"
"You have to look after your brothers."
She clenched her teeth, trying not to shake her head too furiously. Out of nowhere she got so incredibly mad at him.
She loved her brothers.
But she couldn't stand this.
"Why?" She asked. She truly and honestly wanted to know. Her dad finally looked up. There was something mocking in his eyes. "Why do I have to stay home and look after them? Tony is old enough. It's your job to take care of Iker!"
She regretted it the moment the words left her mouth. Not because it wasn't the truth but because it was going to result in the opposite of what she wanted. When she threw a glance at her little brother, she wished she could make the words unsaid. He was sitting there at the table, the plane in his hand and his eyes on Santana, big and depending.
"You do what I say", was everything her dad had to offer and that was the end of the discussion. She could have talked back. She could have made him say more, do more, be a goddamn father. But the truth was – she didn't even want him anymore.
She would have lived without him, if she could. She would have taken her brothers and moved out a long time ago. He obviously didn't want anything to do with them… the three of them were a burden to him and vice versa.
But she didn't have the energy to make a scene. And she didn't want to put Iker through this. He was sitting there with his toy, knowing nothing about her worries. He didn't have to. He was a boy.
She swallowed. There was nothing else she had to say.
Instead she left the living room and went upstairs to be alone.
/
It took her a couple hours to calm down. She went for a walk in the neighborhood, looked at some pictures of her mom and made a painting with some old watercolors. She used to do that all the time when she was younger.
It still worked and made her feel at ease. She was sad that she couldn't go to the party but she wasn't upset anymore. Over the years she had learned to not get upset about everything. It only made her exhausted. Standing up to her dad exhausted her.
Saying yes to everything he demanded seemed to be the easiest thing at times. Because she always knew that one day she'd take the money she had saved and move somewhere else. Then he could live his lonely life by himself and she and her brothers could move on. It was as simple as that.
She didn't say anything when her dad left after dinner to go to a pub to probably drink himself unconscious. She did the dishes and turned on the small radio in the kitchen.
To say she was surprised when Tony came to help her would have been an understatement. He quietly stood beside her and started drying the plates she reached him. She didn't know if it was really happening because he had never ever helped her before.
After a while he said to her that he wouldn't tell their dad if she still wanted to go to the party and that he'd look after Iker who had fallen asleep on the couch.
Santana felt a rush of affection towards her stupid brother when he offered to do something selfless for the first time in his life. She kind of wanted to hug him but they never did that. For a minute she felt tempted to take his offer but then she suggested they could play a board game which they hadn't done in forever.
Tony was happy about it and so she made cocoa and they played games for over an hour.
It was the right decision because when she returned from the kitchen and found both her brothers sleeping on the couch, she knew that she wouldn't have been able to fully enjoy the party, knowing that the two of them were home alone.
When the clock on the wall told her that it was already past eleven, she grabbed a blanket and spread it over the boys. Then she turned off the TV and went back to the kitchen.
/
Brittany…
The floor of Blaine's basement was very uncomfortable because all the pillows were already taken. Everyone was sitting on the ground, listening to Blaine and this girl from his glee club singing a lovely ballad on a tiny stage.
That's what it was.
Lovely.
For the third time in a row. She kind of hoped that someone else would soon take the microphone because people were starting to yawn.
She on the other hand wasn't tired at all. She hadn't had any alcohol because she came with aunt Patty's truck. She felt like doing something. Dancing maybe. Or just going for some fresh air but as long as Blaine was singing on stage, she felt like she couldn't just walk out on him.
Instead she just sat there and listened. It gave her time to look around. Everybody seemed to be interested in someone except for her. Blaine's older brother was talking to four girls at the same time, some cheerleaders were giggling in a circle and two couples were making out in a corner. The rest was hanging on Blaine's lips.
She didn't think that anyone would even notice if she wasn't there anymore. She glimpsed at her watch and realized that it was already ten to midnight…
Was anybody aware of that fact? They didn't seem to care that much. But Brittany had always liked those few minutes before the new year was going to be there. It was exciting. Counting down to the hope of something new.
She knew that if she didn't do something really soon then the change of year was going to happen whether she was sitting on the floor silently or jumping in the air screaming.
She didn't want to be there. With a pang she knew one thing.
She wanted it to matter.
/
Santana…
With a gasp she dropped Iker onto his bed. She had managed to carry him all the way to their bedroom and now she felt like lying down, too but she also wanted to do something else.
She wanted to sit outside with a cuddly blanket and gaze up to the stars. Maybe she'd see a shooting star.
So she grabbed a blanket and her shoes, made a quick detour to her dad's liquor cabinet and then stepped outside into the clear night. She sat down on the steps that led up to their porch, wrapped the blanket around her shoulders and closed her eyes for a moment. It smelled like a cloudless night. There were noises from a party a couple houses further. Some early firecrackers far away.
In less than a minute the old year was going to say goodbye and a new one arrived. She looked at the bottle of Whiskey in her hand.
Some people made resolutions for the new year. She might as well have started drinking which would be new, too. But she felt it was ok to wallow in self-pity for just a little bit.
The thought of drinking the sharp liquor disgusted her. The wish to feel something warm her insides was bigger though. She was just about to open the bottle when she heard a truck coming closer.
Santana couldn't believe her eyes when she recognized Brittany's old and ugly truck pulling into their driveway. She seemed to be in a hurry.
So was Santana's heart.
She could hear her neighbors starting the countdown. Laughter, happy voices.
Her cold fingers put the bottle away before she got up with the blanket still around her shoulders.
She wanted to say Brittany's name, she really wanted to. To say hello, to say anything. There was no time though. The smile that spread on her lips came from the bottom of her heart when she saw Brittany jumping out of the truck and running over to her. The blonde's face beamed blissfully when their eyes found each other in the dim light of the porch lamp.
Brittany crashed into her only seconds away from the new year, hugging her tighter than anyone had ever hugged her before.
She closed her eyes, holding on to the warm body in front of her.
Happiness filled her. As well as laughter coming from both their lungs. Fireworks exploded near them and people were yelling the famous three words all over everywhere.
Santana was happy.
She didn't know anything else at that moment.
/
Their embrace loosened eventually. Santana thought she had dropped the blanket but it was just Brittany taking a step back.
She looked very good. Like you'd look when going to a party. Santana tried to understand.
"I thought you were at Blaine's." She uttered when they both sat down on the steps. Brittany shook her head.
"I was but then I realized that I really wanted to be here. I'm sorry I didn't make it sooner and that you were alone. Blaine's party sucked."
Santana couldn't help but laugh. Then she grabbed the bottle of alcohol to show to Brittany.
"That's alright. I wasn't alone."
Brittany's jaw dropped at the sight. She laughed, too and reached into her pocket to reveal a pack of cigarettes.
"Oh my God" Santana blurted. "Where did you get these?"
"Blaine's older brother gave them to me. I didn't even ask but he probably wanted to show off or something."
Santana covered her mouth with her free hand when she looked at the two forbidden items. Suddenly everything about her crappy evening seemed forgotten.
"I can't believe we have alcohol and cigarettes to ring in the new year." Santana laughed when Brittany pulled a lighter from her other pocket. "I've never even smoked a cigarette."
"And I've never had Whiskey. Is it gross?"
Santana shrugged.
"No idea." They both giggled.
"What do you say we try out these two firsts then…" Brittany suggested. "Just for tonight."
Santana looked into her eyes. Several shades of blue melting together.
"Rebels for one night" Santana almost whispered in response.
She felt Brittany putting something into her hand. When she glimpsed down she saw a thin white cigarette. It looked kind of elegant in her hand.
And very grown up.
"Will you do me the honor?" Brittany said lowly when she lit up the lighter.
The orange flame illuminated both their faces when Brittany's hands engulfed her own hand holding the cigarette.
Santana silently watched how the white paper caught fire. Their giggles had trailed off. Then she leaned forward to take a careful drag.
The thought of doing something she wasn't supposed to do excited her. It was almost like a rush of butterflies hurried through her lungs.
Then sharp smoke. A painful scratching behind her sternum.
She coughed when the smoke escaped her lungs. Brittany's laughter sounded wonderful.
"Your turn" Santana rasped when she handed Brittany the glowing piece.
The blonde cleared her throat like she was preparing a speech. Santana chuckled at the way she held it between her fingers. It looked kind of intimidating.
"That's not the first time you're doing this." Santana whispered when Brittany took a drag.
The blonde exhaled the smoke two seconds later. She grinned.
"I once stole a cigarette from my mom. I really wanted to know what it tasted like." She explained.
"And?" Santana wondered. Brittany held the cigarette up.
"It still tastes like sandpaper drenched in black water."
Santana narrowed her eyes.
"Black water?"
Brittany nodded.
"That's what it tastes like to me."
They both chuckled and watched the cigarette becoming less when they both took another drag.
"If you're asking me" Santana mumbled. "It's absolutely… disgusting."
Brittany nodded in agreement and laughed. She took the cigarette from Santana's hand and pressed it against the sole of her shoe.
"We can cross that off our list. What's next?" She asked with a wiggle of her eyebrow. Santana raised the bottle of Whiskey.
"This little fella. But I have to warn you. It's some strong poison. My dad drinks it like water."
Santana watched how Brittany's facials turned soft for a moment. Maybe even worried.
"We don't have to" She said sincerely. Santana knew that.
She also knew that their knees were constantly touching ever since they sat down. She opened the bottle with a wink.
"I want to know what the fuss is all about", she said and handed Brittany the bottle. "You may go first this time."
Brittany accepted with a grin.
"Please make sure to take it away from me after one sip. I still have to drive tonight."
Santana nodded and watched how Brittany guided the bottle up to her lips. Her face almost immediately contorted with disgust.
"Oh my God" She shuddered. "This is terrible."
Santana took the bottle and grinned at Brittany's grimace.
"Worse than sandpaper and black water?"
The blonde nodded.
"Definitely."
When Santana leaned back to take a sip, her eyes met with Brittany's once again over the edge of the bottle. She nearly spat out the ugly stuff but managed to hold it in and just look.
She swallowed. Brittany wordlessly gazed at her mouth.
Everything felt numb for a second except for her ears. They seemed to burn.
"It's… everything you'd expect." Santana mumbled when she handed the bottle back to Brittany.
Another firecracker exploded above their heads. Brittany startled, then chuckled.
"I think it's pretty cool we're doing these things together" she said gently. Santana couldn't agree more.
"Yeah… it's easy to do firsts with you."
The sparkle in Brittany's eyes made her feel tipsy. Next to the alcohol.
She also felt really warm. It was probably because she still had the blanket around her shoulders but she was afraid she'd start trembling if she took it off.
"Did you have a nice evening?" Brittany asked after a while. Santana thought for a moment.
"Not so much at first. But then Tony did something sweet. It was quite alright. How about yours?"
Brittany nodded tentatively.
"You didn't miss too much… lots of singing from Blaine's side. I mean I love his voice but it's also… really loud." Santana chuckled at the way Brittany's eyes widened. Then the blonde went on. "So your dad really didn't want you to go out?"
Santana lowered her glance.
"No. I know I should try to stand up to him more but… it's not that easy."
"Right. He's your dad after all."
Santana nodded.
"Yeah. I'm sorry, it's hard to talk about him."
The blonde quickly waved it off.
"Don't worry. I get it."
They stayed quiet for another while, still not breaking the contact between their knees. Brittany had her arms crossed in front of her chest but she didn't seem cold.
She seemed very calm.
Santana was thankful when she changed the subject.
"Tell me. What are other things you've never done before?" She wanted to know, making Santana think for another moment.
There were probably lots of things…
She tried to think of several of them but somehow all her thoughts came back to that one thing.
"I uh…" She glanced at Brittany once. "I've never kissed anyone."
She wasn't exactly embarrassed about it. Maybe a little insecure. But why would you be embarrassed about something that was a fact.
Brittany didn't react at first. She just looked at Santana.
"I had the chance. Twice. But it didn't feel right. So I didn't."
Brittany seemed to let that sink in while Santana stared at her own hands. She wondered if Brittany had ever kissed anyone.
"I have. Back in Vegas I knew this boy from school."
Santana looked up to see Brittany's face when she told the story. She wanted to know if there was the sparkle in her eye.
"We were friends but not very good friends. One day we kissed."
"And?"
"At first I thought I liked it. Then he kissed me with tongue and I simply never wanted to do it again." Brittany was obviously a bit embarrassed. Santana didn't know why.
"What was it like?" She wanted to know.
She really wanted to know. Brittany shrugged.
"It was… kind of sour. I could taste what he had for dinner."
Santana automatically pressed her lips together when she could see the disgust in Brittany's memory. She grabbed the Whiskey once more and raised it.
"To the ones who had bad first kisses. And the ones who still have the chance to get a better one." She wanted to give the bottle to Brittany because it looked like she really needed it.
Brittany took it but she didn't drink from it. Instead her eyes went from Santana's eyes down to her lips and back up.
"What?" Santana whispered. Brittany lifted her shoulders hardly notable.
"I could be your first kiss" She suggested with a soft but low voice. Santana swallowed, not knowing what to answer. She felt dizzy just a little bit and her heart once again started hammering.
"I thought you never wanted to do it again" She rasped. The thought of having her first kiss with Brittany completely overwhelmed her. Yet she felt an excitement filling every inch of her body within seconds.
"I thought so, too" Brittany agreed, her eyes no longer looking in Santana's but definitely hanging on her mouth.
When their heads leaned closer and the moment was about to come, they both giggled softly. Then they turned serious.
Santana held her breath at first. For a second she worried if she knew how to do it. Then the worries flew away. Because Brittany's hand gently took hers on Santana's thigh. Just like it did when they were walking home together.
She closed her eyes when she felt Brittany coming just an inch closer but leaving it up to Santana if it was really going to happen.
Nothing in the world could have stopped her now. Her whole upper body was vibrating with anticipation. She leaned forward until their foreheads touched first. Then the tips of their noses and finally her lips pressed against Brittany's.
Her heart raced, her fingers twitched in Brittany's hand.
Brittany's lips were incredibly soft. Santana had to lean in further to get a little more.
She didn't know what she expected but this was a thousand times better. It was like the stars from above all came down at once and settled somewhere between their chests. It was magic.
Brittany tasted like that. Sweet and lingering. Even though they had smoked a cigarette and drunk alcohol. It was the sweetest thing.
In a way all her questions got answered at once. Because she knew immediately that she didn't want her first kiss to be her only one.
The way Brittany kissed her back, Santana knew that she was enjoying it, too. Her grip around Santana's hand got a little tighter. Her lips started moving gently but with a certain determination.
She had her first kiss and it was marvelous. Hopefully Brittany had her first marvelous kiss…
They didn't go as far as kissing with tongue. Santana was kind of glad because just their lips moving gently against each other was already overwhelming. She took in every single second until their lips parted and only their foreheads rested together.
Santana exhaled a shaky breath, her eyes still closed.
She felt like a rebel before with the drinking. Now she didn't feel like she was doing something she wasn't supposed to do.
It was exactly what she had wanted to do.