Chapter 19 – Small town girl

Santana…

The realization that her time with Brittany was coming to an end, hit her out of nowhere on a Saturday afternoon.

She was standing behind the counter at The Schuester's preparing coffee for a customer, when her girlfriend entered through the door. It was almost like a déjà-vu to when they first met.

Brittany looked so pretty with her hair open. She walked over to grab a stool, letting Santana do her job first before they'd say hello to each other.

Santana could see the small smile on her face. It irritated her for a second. Usually Brittany couldn't hide a huge grin whenever they hadn't seen each other for more than a day.

She wiped her hands on her apron after she had grabbed an abandoned sticky cup and eventually approached Brittany. On her way she snatched the coffee pot as she already knew Brittany's order.

"Hello there stranger." Santana greeted her.

Brittany took the cup she filled her and gave her another smile.

"You always know what I need." She said while guiding the cup straight to her lips.

Santana smirked. She loved serving Brittany coffee. It always felt special to pretend like she was just another customer when they both knew exactly that they were going to be making out in the truck a couple hours later.

She studied Brittany's face for a moment. She seemed a little weary.

"Are you ok?"

The blonde avoided eye contact which was very unusual. She just nodded quickly.

"I had a really long shift at the shop. I just want to fall into bed but I also needed this."

Santana watched how her lips pulled into a pained smile.

"Are you sure that's all? You look like you're in pain."

"Yes… everything's fine. Just a headache."

"Oh why didn't you say so? Hang on." Santana quickly prepared a big glass of cold water with a slice of lemon. "Drink that. As much of it as you can. It'll help."

Brittany took a couple sips after a first hesitation. Santana got called to take another order so she excused herself for a minute.

She had no idea what it was and she had never felt like that before but a feeling in her guts told her that things were going to be different when she'd go to sleep that night.

/

Brittany…

She feared she was going to throw up the second she stepped out of The Schuester's. Miraculously she managed to keep a straight face as some other people were just about to enter. Brittany even held the door open for them. As soon as she was around the corner, she hid her face in her hands.

She didn't tell her…

How could she tell her when everything that was going on inside Brittany's head was one big rollercoaster? She didn't even know how to feel at the moment so how was she supposed to explain it to someone else?

She tried to clear her head when she made her way home to the trailer by foot. She hoped that the air would somehow give her answers on what to do next. But since it was getting hot and hotter these days, she felt like she couldn't even take a deep breath.

For a second it was like she got thrown back a year. She was standing on a dusty road, the afternoon sun burning down on the back of her neck. Just like that day Frank took off after giving her the Walkman. She remembers how she felt at that moment when the tires of his car blew up the dust and left her in a foggy state of cluelessness.

Now she knew this place. She had learned to like it. The eventless quiet, the same faces, the routines…

But her heart never forgot about her dreams outside of this little world. Whenever she was lying awake at night and wasn't dreaming about Santana's lips and cheeks, she was dreaming about her passion. A future she could almost taste on her tongue because she knew it was meant to be.

But Santana's face… when they looked at each other over the counter… it shook Brittany to the core to realize that she truly didn't know how to be without her anymore. How to function.

"Brittany?" She startled at aunt Patty's stunned voice. She must have found her way back home on autopilot. "What's going on?"

Brittany took the empty plastic chair next to Patty. She didn't know why her aunt liked to sit outside during this heat but right now she didn't bother. She cupped her cheeks with her warm hands.

"Nothing" She mumbled, literally feeling Patty's scrutinizing look on her skin.

"That's not nothing. You look like somebody ate your cereals. That's one thing I remember about when you and your mom used to come here sometimes. You always ate the cereals as fast as you could because you didn't have the same kind at home."

Brittany tried to remember.

"Chocolate ones?"

Aunt Patty nodded with a chuckle.

"Like a harvester." She emphasized the picture with a funny gesture and Brittany would have laughed if she didn't feel like crying.

"I think we've come to a point where you know that you can talk to me about pretty much anything, right?"

Brittany swallowed. Her throat hurt but it wasn't because she was developing a cold. It hurt because she tried to hold back tears.

"I'm just… I'm not sure how I can do everything." She began.

Aunt Patty tried to follow and gave her an encouraging smile to say more.

"My hopes and dreams are right in front of me. I can see everything so clearly. But at the same time I know nothing."

The last word only came out as a breath.

"You mean dancing? Are you scared you won't know how to find a job or how to live on your own and stuff?"

Brittany shrugged.

"See honey, you're not alone with this. I've made some savings over the years. I've actually been thinking about this… I could use a vacation and come with you for two or three weeks." Brittany gazed at her aunt. The amount of affection she had for her at that moment overwhelmed her. "We could find you a job together. As a cashier, a waitress, anything… and in your free time you go on auditions for dance shows. Don't get me wrong – you'll have to work hard. But I know you can do this. Just as much as you know it yourself."

Brittany felt a tear drop rolling down her cheek.

"And one day you'll get a callback." Aunt Patty winked at her. Brittany shrugged again.

"I guess I already did" She muttered.

Aunt Patty gave her a confused look.

"What do you mean?"

Brittany got up on her feet and took two steps. She let her eyes wander over the view they had from there. It was really nice. She did understand why her aunt liked to sit outside even if it was strikingly hot.

"I had a visitor at the shop this morning." Brittany explained.

"Oh that's right! A young man with red hair, right? I wondered who he was because I had never seen him before. Is he… someone special?" She said the last word in a funny way.

Brittany put her hands into her pockets.

"Not like that…" She mumbled, then turned around. Aunt Patty still had no idea what Brittany was talking about so she finally came clean.

"He works in the music industry which is already mind-blowing. I never thought I'd meet someone like that. We met at a house party a while ago and apparently he kept me in mind… he knows this band. They're not huge or anything. I mean they could be eventually."

"And?" Aunt Patty's voice was now impatient and incredulous at the same time. "What are you saying?"

Brittany shrugged with her hands still in her pockets. She turned to look her aunt in the eyes.

"Apparently they want me for a music video. It's not one hundred percent sure, yet. They want to meet me first. But from what he told them, I must be exactly what they were looking for."

Aunt Patty was staring at her. Slowly she shook her head.

"Honey you're not making jokes, are you?" She said and eventually got up, too.

Brittany shook her head. The next thing she knew was how the air got pressed out of her lungs in a tight embrace.

"This is unbelievable, Brittany." When they broke apart, Brittany felt a hint of those happy emotions she was supposed to feel. "Why aren't you packing your bags already? Shouldn't you be screaming and jumping up and down? I mean… what are the odds?"

Brittany exhaled a short laugh.

"I really should, huh? I'm still overwhelmed, I guess. And scared. If that makes sense."

Aunt Patty nodded, then made her way to the two steps that led up to the trailer.

"Of course you're scared. Opportunities mean changes. And that's why we're going to have a drink now. I still have a bottle of cheap champagne somewhere, hang on…"

Brittany turned around once again to let her eyes wander over the distance. She couldn't bring herself to tell her aunt the other reasons why she wasn't jumping up and down.

It was one thing to tell her about the offer she got and a whole other thing to talk about the fact that she was in love.

/

A couple hours later she was sitting in her truck, her hands shaking underneath her thighs. Although it was already dark, it wasn't cold outside. Still her whole body was trembling. She kept throwing glances at the glass door where she was expecting Santana to step outside any minute. Her late shift was over but she was probably still cleaning up in the kitchen.

Brittany closed her eyes for a couple seconds. She had made a decision. She just needed to tell it to Santana. Could it be that hard?

When she tried to mentally form the sentences, she got interrupted as Santana came out of the restaurant. Brittany looked at her girl…

How she happily waved at Brittany through the windshield as soon as she spotted the truck. Once she opened the door and climbed into the truck, they leaned into each other like they always did whenever Brittany picked her up.

They inhaled each other's scents and kissed on the cheeks until their mouths would quickly find one another. It wasn't any different that night.

Except everything was different.

When their lips parted and Brittany took a few seconds too long to look into the brunette's eyes, she felt a hand under her chin.

"You need to tell me what is going on right now." Santana stated matter-of-factly.

When Brittany pushed herself to finally look into those brown eyes she loved so much, she tried her best not to lose it.

She took Santana's hand into her own and kissed it once.

"Don't freak out, ok?"

It was definitely the worst sentence to start a conversation. The sheer panic in Santana's eyes made Brittany panic, too. "No, please – it's nothing bad. Well…"

"Oh my God Brittany – spit it out! Did you kiss someone else?"

Brittany stared at Santana baffled.

"What? No, of course not!"

"Oh… sorry. Then what is it?"

Brittany kissed the back of Santana's hand again.

"That you'd even think that. I'm not kissing anyone but you." She mumbled, almost a bit offended. Santana gave her a pleading glance so Brittany gave in.

"Ok… this morning someone came to the shop to talk to me. Do you remember Zach?" Santana was hanging on her lips. She narrowed her eyes. "He's the guy I danced for at the party. Or danced with…"

Santana's eyes widened hardly notable. She definitely wasn't happy to get reminded of him.

"Yes?" She dragged the word to show her disapproval.

"Well… it turns out that he works with a band who happens to be searching for a girl to play the lead in the music video for their new single. It's about this small town girl who's been stuck in the middle of nowhere her whole life and she wants to become famous as a dancer."

Brittany swallowed. While she was explaining it to Santana, she realized how unbelievable it was. But it was real. It didn't make any sense but it was real.

"He said that they want to meet up with me and if everything works out… then I get the part. I could dance in a music video."

She was still holding on to Santana's hand. There was no way she could let go. Santana blinked at her, obviously processing the unexpected news. Her mouth opened. Then her eyes widened.

"Are you serious? Like completely serious?" She gasped.

Brittany nodded. Those were the exact same words she said to Zach after he made the offer to fly out to L.A. with him.

"Yes"

"Oh my God… Brittany – I don't know what to say except… well except that I am so unbelievably proud of you!"

From the tone in Santana's voice Brittany could tell that she meant it from the bottom of her heart but that her heart was also breaking at the very same time.

She pulled Brittany in for a tight hug. At first they said nothing. They clung to each other, both processing what was happening.

When their embrace loosened, Brittany looked down at their hands.

"I'm not going."

She said it clearly so there was no question whether the words really left her mouth.

"What?" Santana wanted to know incredulously.

"I'm not going. I want to be with you. I decided that it's not the right time. If the single is a success then they want me to go on a tour with them. To dance in their live shows. I don't want to go away for that long. I can't."

When she looked up, she met eyes that were completely dumbfounded.

"Brittany…" She squeezed Brittany's hand to make sure she was really listening. "You have to go." She stated it without a doubt in her voice. Brittany tilted her head to the side. She couldn't believe she was close to tears again. She hadn't cried that much ever since she first came here.

It was clear that Santana was waiting for some sort of reaction, an explanation. But Brittany felt completely incapable. Numb.

"You're not seriously considering saying no, are you?" The brunette tried again after a couple wordless seconds. Brittany just shrugged. Why did it feel like somebody was opening up her chest, squeezing her heart and about to rip it out?

"Why would you stay, Brittany? This is your chance!" Santana's voice was desperate. Brittany had never heard it before. She also had never felt like this before. She never wanted to feel like this in the first place.

This wasn't what she had longed for. Not at all.

"Why would I stay?" She desperately mimicked Santana's question. She couldn't believe she had to explain. "I want to stay because you're my girlfriend." She begged with her eyes for Santana to understand. "I want you more than I want to dance."

Santana's cheeks turned slightly red. Whether it was the desperation, the thought of losing what they had or the fact that it was still so warm.

"Brittany… that can't be true." She said after taking a moment to calm her voice.

Brittany raised her shoulders.

"But it is."

"And then what? After a couple months you'll realize that it was the wrong decision because besides me, there's nothing here for you."

The truth cut her like a knife. She wasn't ready for those words. In her mind she was still filling up shelves in the store, not worrying about tomorrow because tomorrow was simply going to be the same.

Now nothing was the same.

She definitely hadn't asked for this.

"You'll get bored and annoyed and eventually depressed. You'll blame it on the fact that you chose to stay with me even if that's not what you want. You can't convince me otherwise."

Brittany wiped away a tear. She tried to stay strong. She hadn't planned to cry. She thought she was going to be the one consoling Santana because she would have been afraid that Brittany was going to leave. Then she would have told her that she wasn't going anywhere and they'd make up by kissing all their sorrows away.

"But-"

"You have a real chance. It would kill me if I was the one to stand in your way. This is bigger than us."

Brittany shook her head. If she had feared that it was going to feel like somebody was tearing her heart out, then this was it. How could anything be bigger than them?

To her, Santana was the one. How could that not be enough?

"I don't want to believe that." She cried and grabbed Santana's hands to kiss them.

Deep inside she knew that Santana was right.

She was the smartest person she had ever met after all.

She didn't know how but their lips found each other between all the tears, the feelings and the messed up things. She kissed Santana so desperately and deeply, hoping that they'd somehow make everything go away.

The salty tears on her tongue let her know that nothing was going away. She couldn't take anything back.

When their kisses became slower and they broke apart so Santana could blow her nose, Brittany tried to put all her thoughts into order.

"Nothing's been decided, yet. It's not even sure that I'm really right for the part." She said with a voice she didn't recognize.

Santana took her hand once again.

"You're perfect for the part. They will love you right from the start. Listen to me…" They held on to each other's gaze.

"I want you to do this, ok? I really do. And if you get the chance to go on tour then it's going to be the best thing in the world. You're going to be so happy and you'll enjoy everything about that life. It's what you're meant to do."

Brittany exhaled, trying not get overwhelmed with a rush of fresh tears. She let her forehead rest against Santana's. They both looked at their hands holding each other.

"Is there a chance for us to be together? One day?" Brittany whispered. Her question was more like an answer. It meant that they weren't going to be together now.

Santana's finger played with Brittany's silver thumb ring. She loved that ring.

Brittany loved it, too.

"There is always hope. If it's really meant to be." Santana whispered back in response.

Brittany gently touched the ring with her finger before she pulled it off. With a gentle motion she put it on Santana's thumb and held her hand safely in hers.

She could hear Santana's breath.

Then they kissed each other once more.

"I love you, Santana. I love you so much."

She pulled her in for a hug, determined not to let go too soon.

"I love you, too, Brittany. More than you could know."

When they said goodbye that night, they did it with one more kiss. There was no bad blood. No yelling, no reproaches… only heartbreak and love.

/

Santana…

She was almost dizzy when she entered her room. Never in her life had she felt like that before. Never had she expected to be able to feel like that. Her head was aching from the crying. Her cheeks felt warm and puffy. All she wanted was to fall into a sleep that would make her stop feeling.

When Iker opened the door to ask what was going on, she pushed him out and told him to go sleep in Tony's room. When he protested she slammed the door desperately, unable to react in a different way.

She fell onto her bed and hid her face in the pillow. She cried for hours until her head was nearly bursting and there were no more tears left.

At least that was what she thought.

She cried the same amount the day after that and the days after that for the next couple weeks.

Brittany was gone and she was there with a broken heart she didn't know how to handle.