9:30 - DRAGON - The Circle Tower
"You helped a blood mage escape. All our prevention measures for naught-because of you!" Knight-Commander Greagoir pointed an armored finger at Kena, spittle flying out of his mouth and the vein on his temple near bursting.
Irving breathed out, and glared sideways at Kena.
Her vision began to blur with tears, so unused to criticism from the first enchanter she wasn't sure what to do. She futilely tried to squeeze the pain in her chest away, but the realization of what she had just taken part in had slammed into her like a whirlwind.
"I expected better of you Amell," the old enchanter pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, the exhaustion clear on his face.
Kena's heart was racing so fast she felt out of breath. What was going to happen to her? If they were going to send Lily to Aeonar, surely the fate of a barely harrowed mage would be worse.
"Perhaps, tranquility…" she heard Greagoir muse to himself, and she fell to her knees in dizzying panic.
"Kn-Knight-Co-mmander-" she stuttered, but her voice cracked and the words sputtered out. She looked around frantically, for help she already knew wasn't there.
And then her eyes landed on Cullen.
He seemed shocked, helping the injured templars onto stretchers, and when their eyes met he swallowed hard. For a brief moment Amell hoped he'd step in. Insist she had only made one mistake.
I didn't know…
Another templar pounded Cullen on the shoulder and he looked away, disappearing from the hall with the others.
Kena Amell didn't know what she expected, what could he do? Stand up for her? He had been ready to strike her down that very morning, and it wasn't like they were close.
The only person she was close to had left without hesitation, and as the memory of Jowan running away without so much as a backwards glance flooded into her mind, her heart shattered into a thousand pieces.
Stupid, stupid Kena…
Amell hung her head in shame and humiliation, her heart too broken to fight.
"Surely such a fate would not be fair," said Irving, his voice particularly gravelly and thick with contempt, "if your initiate has earned Aeonar for fornicating with a blood mage, then my mage deserves to remain intact as well."
"She can't be forgiven, with tranquility she could still serve-" Greagoir began, but Irving scoffed.
"Serve the chantry? As a mindless slave?" Irving barked with laughter, and when he gazed on Amell his eyes were cold as ice.
"She'll take the same punishment as your initiate," he said, and it felt like she was just another pawn in whatever game Irving had designed for himself.
Knight-Commander Greagoir rubbed his face with both hands and groaned, "Such a waste."
9:37 - DRAGON
Kena found herself squeezing her fingers into her palm so hard her nails broke skin, and she had to shake her head a few times to get the unwelcome thoughts to stop. The hike out of the wilds was long and arduous, and so deafeningly quiet that it allowed old memories to bubble up to the surface like some sickening play with an unending encore.
Go away…
Kena grasped at her head and massaged her temples, forcing herself to count the rocks on the ground, and she was able to distract herself, at least for now.
The group stopped for short rests, but kept moving. They didn't know when, or if, the templars would come to investigate Aeonar, and so they aimed to put as much distance between them and the accursed place before that happened.
It wasn't long before Lily and Kena found themselves crammed onto a small raft their saviors had cobbled together from driftwood. It was wet, and rickety, but it held them, and Jowan used his force magic to propel them away from the island while Galel used the rough oar to steer.
Kena closed her eyes, it was quiet, the only sound coming from Jowan's magic pummeling the lake's surface.
It felt good, the spray of the cold water against her skin, and it reminded her of better memories than the ones that had been tormenting her earlier.
She inhaled the cool air, and smelled pine.
And then quietly, somewhere far away, she thought she heard a laugh, and her eyes snapped up.
"Did you hear that?" she asked, looking around, "Did someone laugh?"
Lily shook her head, and Galel gave Jowan a worried look.
Amell sunk back, and pulled her flimsy robe tighter around herself.
Great, she thought bitterly, I guess they're still here.
It was nearly a week later that they finally made their way to a nearby town. Galel and Jowan found a well hidden cave, and set up wards and barriers to make sure they weren't discovered by any wandering townsfolk.
Lily and Kena had adjusted to freedom in their own ways. Lily had taken quickly to hunting with Jowan, and Galel remained with Kena to make sure she didn't succumb to any demons that may have followed her from Aeonar.
He had also yet to tell the others the command he had received from Asha'bellanar. Amell seemed lost in her thoughts most days, and jumpier than a field mouse, but Galel figured sharing that info would only make her condition worse.
Who would respond well to hearing that they were destined for a life of being hunted by demons?
Jowan and Amell had barely exchanged two words, mostly on account of Amell refusing to speak to him. Lily tried to encourage her to talk with Jowan, but she was brushed aside. Kena was angry, and it didn't seem to be waning in the least.
Growing frustrated, Jowan knew Kena felt betrayed and he knew she deserved to be angry, but being ignored was beginning to grate on him. He was ashamed, and every time she refused to return his greetings, or look at him, he felt it like a stab in the heart. He wished she would at least yell at him, or hit him, that he could bear.
But the strange, silent limbo they were in was worse than any physical pain he had endured.
"I just wish she'd beat me up and be done with it," he complained to Lily. They were risking a trip into town for supplies, but he couldn't get Kena off his mind.
"Be patient Jowan," Lily said as they moved quietly through the nearly empty streets. Galel had loaned Lily his cloak, and she did her best to hide her dirty chantry robe, "I've had the luxury of thinking of you for years, she wasn't given a moment's rest. I've loved you for a long time, but there was even a time that I wanted to kill you for getting me into this mess."
Jowan's cheeks flushed with shame. He realized how selfish he must have seemed worrying only about his own feelings instead of Lily or Amell's.
"I'm sorry Lily, I can't say it enough."
Lily smiled weakly at him, "I've already forgiven you my love, but understand your friend may need much, much more time. You've wounded her deeply, and it may never be the same between you."
Jowan knew her words were true, but he couldn't help but feel frustrated anyway. Patience was never his strong suit. Lily tapped him on the shoulder and gestured toward a store that seemed to be selling old clothing and various knick-knacks, "I think we should try there."
Jowan squeezed the small bag of coins he had in his pocket, the same coin he had been paid years before by the warrior outside of Denerim. He hadn't spent much of it, he didn't need to with Galel, but he wasn't sure it would be enough for much, "Here's hoping they'll have something."
Kena stared into the flames, gnawing on a strip of dried nug meat. She'd been feeling stronger the last few days, despite the difficult journey through the forest, and the occasional whispers. Even though she knew the demons were still there, pushing against the bruised and battered barriers of her mind, they were being positively polite compared to Aeonar. For the last few days, she had even been having rather pleasant dreams consisting mostly of amorphous shapes and mundane tasks.
Yet still, there was one night not long after the possessed nug incident, that she'd been approached by a demon of rage. She was shaken awake quickly from that nightmare, Galel there to calm her down again. His strange Dalish magic a comfort in the cold dark of the forest.
He was repairing a rope across the flames from her, his face was twisted in concentration and the black ink of his tattoos were a void against the firelight. She'd only ever seen the Dalish rendered horribly in her textbooks, the artist exaggerating their teeth into points, and the tattoos of their face far more ugly then the artwork she was admiring now.
"What does your tattoo mean?" she blurted out, surprising herself, but curiosity always did get the better of her.
Galel smiled, still concentrating on his rope, "It means I was a very foolish young man, and I thought marking myself as devoted to the God of Vengeance would scare my enemies."
"It probably hurt like hell huh? All that ink and those needles…" she shuddered.
"My eye was swollen shut for a week, that really put the fear into my enemies," he joked, and Amell laughed out loud.
He looked up to see her smile. He had grown fond of seeing the expression, however rare it was. Her teeth were yellowed from poor care, and her front tooth was chipped, but something about the way the corner of her mouth pulled higher to the right, and how her eyes scrunched into half moons when she smiled tugged at him in a way he wasn't quite sure he understood.
Yet she still refused to smile around Jowan, and he felt a twinge of pity for his friend.
"Well," she began, taking another bite of meat, "it suits you."
Galel's face flushed at the compliment, and he thanked the dimly lit cave and the burning flame for making it impossible for her to notice, "Erm, thank you," he muttered, and quickly began focusing on his rope again.
Kena finished off the nug and sipped from a waterskin, "I'm feeling much better. I can help around the camp, you know."
"You still need to rest," said Galel, tying off the rope and setting it aside, "once you've fully recovered there will be plenty of work for you."
Amell twisted her mouth in disapproval, "You're letting Lily help Jowan, why aren't you letting me help you?"
"Lily is fine," said Galel, "she wasn't as… injured as you."
Amell wanted to argue, but she was too tired to, which she begrudgingly had to admit to herself meant Galel was right.
But compared to before, she was feeling better, and she hadn't been harassed by a demon in five days. That had to mean something.
I am getting better… right?
"You're treating me like a child, I can't keep leeching off of you," she protested, "let me help with something."
Galel sighed and looked at her, she seemed earnest, but she was far from healthy. She had gained color back in her cheeks, and her skin had taken to the sun well, but she still moved slowly, and took too long to wake up.
"Fine," he relented, standing up and bringing over a satchel of herbs, "I need these to be reorganized, and I'd appreciate the help. I assume you've studied herbs at your Circle?"
Amell took the satchel and beamed, "I was quite good at it, not to brag."
Galel laughed, "Well then, please make sure they're separated by species, and then quality."
Amell excitedly got to work, spreading out a small cloth and laying out the herbs. She began moving quickly, separating and categorizing the plants as instructed.
The fire began to crackle, and the flames were burning low. The air was chillier than normal, and he was certain he could smell rain.
"I'm going to gather more firewood," he said.
Amell waved him off, too focused on her task to respond. Her brow was scrunched up, her lips mouthing words silently to herself as she worked, and he never thought he'd find a shemlan so endearing.
Yet here he was, admiring her focus, her will to survive.
And her furrowed brow… and the fullness of her lips…
He realized he was staring and broke his gaze, practically darting out of the cave. His head was fuzzy, and he felt beyond foolish. What was the matter with him? He hadn't been this thrown by a woman in a very long time, and never a human one.
He couldn't understand why.
Or maybe he could. He'd always been fond of survival, of people who would scrape and claw their way back to the top. People whose hearts burned with rage, and life and vengeance .
He began gathering firewood, his mind a million miles away.
And then he heard a scream.
Her scream.
He dropped the wood and ran back to the camp, skidding into the cave just in time to see Kena thrown back into the cave wall, a massive shade looming over her. Her hands were ablaze, and she was launching fireball after fireball at the creature.
But her aim was off, and she kept missing.
Galel grabbed his staff from his back and spun it above his head, whipping down a force spell that pummeled the creature into the ground at Amell's feet.
She yelled angrily, a cone of flame blasting off her hands and singeing the creature into dust.
Amell suddenly collapsed against the stone wall and sunk to the ground. Her fingertips white and clutching into her chest, she was wheezing heavily, her skin wet from exertion, and when he knelt beside her he noticed a massive gash in her side, and then he noticed the sickening red of the blood pooling under her tattered robe.
"It wanted in, and it got mad I- I said fuck off," she whimpered.
Galel was furious. The one time he'd left her alone since they left Aeonar and a demon had found her. He thought it was safe, he had personally searched the cave, but must have missed something. It could've been an old grave, or some other putrid crevice the creature had been hiding in, biding its time.
"This is never going to stop is it?" she muttered.
"Quiet now," Galel whispered. He placed his hand over her wound, healing it as best he could, but it was deep, deeper than his spell could go, "You're still bleeding, inside."
He looked her in the eye, and she was sickly pale, the sweat beading on her forehead like great blobs.
"Shit," she wheezed, "I need lyrium."
He began to panic, his heart racing. He'd been able to handle everything until now, even the clash with the templar. But the Shade's cut was different, deeper and already infected. A dark magical wound that Dalish healing couldn't put right.
He held his hand over the gash, and pulled the small dagger from his belt.
"Wh- what are you d-doing?!" she stuttered, "blood-"
Galel slashed his palm open, and slammed his hand over the wound, his blood sizzling through her skin and mingling with her own. She gasped and clawed at his arm, her eyes pure terror as she desperately tried to pry him away.
And then she fainted, and Galel found himself alone, his ears still ringing with her screams.
Amell woke with a start.
His blood pierced her like sharp tendrils, there was a pungent smell in the air, and it felt like she had just been beaten with a hot poker.
But she felt strong.
She looked around the cave, and saw Galel sitting near her, she scampered away from him and grabbed at her side.
"It's," she looked down, through the tear in her robe, "it's not hurting anymore."
Galel sat back, and squeezed his hand shut tight, "It was necessary."
Kena stared at him, her face a mixture of anger and gratefulness, "You used blood magic on me-"
"To heal you," he said, "it's just magic, like any other."
"It's evil," she hissed.
"No more evil than your phylacteries, but the templars don't complain about those now do they?"
Kena opened her mouth to protest, but she couldn't argue. It hadn't occurred to her that the phylacteries were blood magic, but when she thought about it, it made sense.
"I… thank you," she croaked, and then she looked at his hand, "can you heal yourself?"
Galel shook his head and rested against the cave wall, "not right now, I need to recover first."
Kena slid over to him, and ripped a strip of cloth off her dirty robe. She grabbed the elfroot and held her hand out to him, "give me your hand."
Galel seemed reluctant, but he held his hand out to her. She gently opened it, crushing the elfroot into the gash. He winced, but the herb began dulling the pain almost instantly. She wrapped his hand with the cloth and tied it.
"Hopefully that helps a bit, until you feel better."
The cloth was filthy, but the elfroot would prevent any infection and she seemed earnest in her attempt to help.
He was grateful.
"Thank you," he said.
She smiled at him, turning to rest her back on the cave wall next to him, "Thanks for, uh, saving me," she responded, staring back into the fire.
Galel forced a smile, but he knew he'd only temporarily helped her. The demons would keep coming. She may have a few days, or months, or even years of freedom from their attention, but they would always come back.
She seemed to be thinking the same thing, and buried her face in her knees, "Is this my life now, haunted by demons forever?"
He swallowed a lump, and they both sat in silence.
He wasn't sure if it would work, but there was a spell he had read about while studying to be Keeper. Old magic that might help shield her from a demon's attention.
"Perhaps…" he began, unsure of how to explain, "there is a way to keep them from coming, at least partially."
She looked up at him, "How?" she asked, but he could tell in her eyes that she already knew the answer.
"It's a spell, an old one, and-"
"It's blood magic," she whispered.
He couldn't read her tone, or expression, and he wasn't sure if he'd perhaps suggested something so terrible to her that she would reject it outright.
But she was quiet, biting at her thumb.
The sound of footsteps entered the cave, and they both looked up to see Lily and Jowan, sacks of goods over both their shoulders.
"Who wants a change?" Lily asked, beaming as she dropped the small bag of clothing at their feet, "Now if only we could have a bath too."
"Perhaps in the next town we'll be able to stay in a proper tavern," Jowan hoped aloud, "once we're far enough away from any templars."
Lily pulled some clothing out of the bag, and handed it to Kena, "I doubt we'll find a town free of templars."
Kena changed behind a large rock, and though she knew her companions were only a few feet away, every shift in the dirt and every sound beyond the trees made her jump.
She was afraid. She hated being afraid.
She pulled on the loose blue tunic, black pants and old boots. They fit poorly, but it was better than the rags and cramped slippers she was wearing before. She wrapped the belt around her waist to keep the tunic from flopping around wildly, and quickly ran back to the fire, where Galel and Jowan sat planning their next move.
"You look great Kena!" Jowan quipped, but she ignored him. She still didn't feel like talking to him, and he'd have to suffer her silence for a while longer.
She sat defiantly beside Galel.
Scowling, Jowan focused his gaze into the fire.
Lily returned in an oversized brown tunic with brown pants and similar old boots, "It's not perfect, but it was the cheapest we could find."
"It's a lot warmer than the garbage I was wearing before," Kena said, "thank you."
"Thank Jowan, he bought it," said the sister, but Kena shrugged and seemed suddenly very interested in poking at the fire.
Galel cleared his throat, and gestured for Lily to sit down, "Jowan and I have been speaking."
"We think it's best we cross the border, into Tevinter," said Jowan, but he seemed bashful.
Lily breathed uneasily, "I don't like the thought of being surrounded by magisters."
"It's the only place we'll be able to avoid the templars, at least temporarily," Jowan added.
"But they practice blood magic in the street!" Lily protested, and Jowan shot Galel a curious look.
Kena noticed, and piped in defensively, "Well, blood magic is just old magic. It just depends on how you use it."
Lily stared open mouthed at Kena, "I can't believe you'd say such a thing. You know what blood magic can do, what it's done to us!"
Kena shrugged, "Well, the templars use it. So how come it's only evil if we use it."
"They do not!" Lily protested.
"Lily-" Jowan began, but Kena cut him off.
"Phylacteries? Remember those?" Kena asked.
Lily snapped her mouth shut and seemed very confused for a moment.
And then she yelped, "Maker!"
"Right?!" Kena said, and she seemed excited by the revelation, "I can't believe I didn't realize-"
"It's still evil," said Lily, stubbornly. She crossed her arms, nudging Jowan for support.
Jowan laughed nervously, "Well, of course it is, but-"
"Is it evil, Jowan?" Galel interjected, and Jowan shot him a pleading look that Lily immediately noticed.
"What does he mean by that?" she asked, glaring between the two.
"Nothing my love, nothing…" Jowan seemed desperate to change the subject, but Lily wasn't having it. She turned to Galel, "What do you mean by that?"
Galel ran his hand through his hair and regretted saying anything at all, but Amell spoke before he could, "He healed me with it! Right before you came in, a demon slashed me and-"
"A demon?!" Jowan yelled, turning angrily to Galel, "Why didn't you tell us?!"
"We handled it," Kena groaned in frustration. Jowan was acting awfully protective for someone who had abandoned her, and she didn't like it. "I was bleeding out, and regular healing spells weren't working so Galel fixed me right up. See for yourself!" she stood up and excitedly lifted her tunic, revealing the silvery scar of the gash from earlier, "I've never seen any of the healing spells in the Circle leave something pretty like that."
Jowan's face went pale at the sight of her bare belly.
It wasn't the reaction she expected to her new silvery scar, and then she saw his eyes roaming her belly. Darting between every other scar she had. There were still blackened bruises, deep scars both fresh and old and small chunks of flesh missing.
She seemed hollowed out with needles, and even Amell herself hadn't noticed how bad it was in the dim light of her dungeon cell.
Galel's face was grim, and Lily covered her mouth in shock. Lily had seen some of her scars, and the blood, but to have it on full display seemed to be another thing entirely.
Kena's face flushed at their expressions, and she plopped back to the ground, refusing to look any of them in the face, "Stop acting like old women, you know what they do to mages... over there."
"Kena…" Jowan began, but Amell cut him off.
"Blood magic isn't always evil, is all I'm trying to say," she half-yelled over him, and resumed her prodding of the fire.
"It's old magic, like any other," Galel cleared his throat, "we've been talking, about the recent demons-"
"Maybe we just need to get farther away from Aeonar," Lily interrupted, "maybe they'll forget her then."
"No, they won't," Jowan responded grimly, "I've read about possession, erm, during my studies at the Circle," he scratched his chest nervously, "if you've opened up to one demon, others will follow."
"Precisely," Galel said, and he returned his gaze to Kena, "which is why we have little choice but to rely on the old magic to hide her."
"If by old magic, you mean blood magic, then the answer is no," Jowan said, "blood magic will only attract more demons. I swore I'd never do it again."
"The spell is a tether, between two mages, instead of the beacon she's become for demons her lifeforce will mimic that of the host mage. The demons will notice her only as much as they'd notice me," Galel tried to explain, but Jowan shook his head.
"No, I can't believe you'd suggest this-"
"It needs two mages to complete," Kena begged, still focused on prodding the fire, "I can't cast it on myself, and I'd rather not have demons pouncing on me whenever they feel like it!"
Jowan looked up at Kena, and realized it was the first time she'd spoken to him directly.
"Blood magic is evil!" Lily protested, "How could you even consider it? It's what landed us in Aeonar!"
Kena scoffed, looking directly at Jowan for the first time since leaving Aeonar, "I think he's the reason we landed in Aeonar, and if you can't see that you're a fool."
"Kena!" Jowan scolded, "Don't talk to her like that. It was my fault, I take responsibility-"
Lily stood up, her eyes brimming with tears, "You keep acting like you were the only one who suffered, who took beatings, and punishments and tests-"
"They never took pieces of your flesh!" screamed Amell, throwing her stick in the flames, "Galel saved me today, with magic the Chantry says is evil. So what was the magic, and the pain they SO GRACIOUSLY bestowed on me at Aeonar? You're really telling me that was better?"
"Kena, please calm down," begged Jowan, rising to his feet, but Kena shushed him.
She hobbled to her feet, pointing at Lily, "Was it goodness that forced lyrium down my throat? Was it goodness that made me enter the fade, again and again just to dangle me in front of demons?!"
"We were all tested!" Lily yelled, her hands balled into fists at her side.
"Lily, please-" begged Jowan.
Galel rose to his feet, and tried to calm Kena, but she shrugged him off.
"Was it goodness that allowed a beast like Gustav to drag me into the hall and- and-" Kena screamed wildly, and Galel and Jowan shot each other with worried expressions.
The fire began to bellow, the air crackling with angry magic as Kena's emotions ran wild.
"Don't deflect!" Lily protested, "Gustav was evil, but he has nothing to do with this!"
"So the Chantry gets to use their little blood magic Phylacteries to keep us leashed," Kena growled, "but I can't use it to save my life?"
Lily sputtered.
She turned to Jowan, "You can't be considering this?!"
"Of course not!" said Jowan, "But let's all please calm down-"
"You won't help me?!" Kena screamed, fear and panic on her face, "The demons will have me before the month's end if you don't help me!"
"There is always another way-" Lily interjected, but Kena screamed again, throwing a tantrum she hadn't throw since she was a child.
She was completely unhinged and cursed at Lily just as her hands burst into flame.
Galel grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her back, a green energy diffusing from his hands, "Kena, breath."
Amell suddenly went slack, and the flames in her palms fizzled out.
She breathed, and yanked herself out of Galel's grip.
"I don't have time... to find another way," she whispered through her teeth.
Lily shook her head in disbelief at Kena and threw her hands in the air, "Fine, do whatever you want. But I'll have no part in it."
"Lily-" Jowan begged, reaching for her hand, but she swat it away and stormed out of the cave.
Jowan looked back and forth between Kena and Lily, "I- maker-"
"Go follow your precious Lily," Amell spat, "no use pretending you care about me anymore."
"I do care about you!" he yelled, his throat tightening, "I love you, you're like a sister to me! The only family I've ever had!"
"But you won't help me?" she retorted.
"I swore I'd never use blood magic again, I can't do it. I'm sure there has to be another way…" he cried out, pulling at his hair in frustration.
"The spell needs a separate caster," said Galel, "and I don't think we should risk waiting much longer to do it."
"You're not helping, Galel," Jowan hissed, and faced Kena, "please, understand why this is wrong Kena. I will help you, I'll help find another way, I swear it."
Kena quietly made a spitting sound to herself and crossed her arms, looking away from him.
Jowan was furious, Galel had put these stupid ideas into her head, and she had fallen head first for it. Even after all these years, she was still so terribly easy to influence. Still too trusting.
"Look at me!" he begged.
She turned away from him, the same way she did when they were children and he annoyed her.
And then something in him snapped. He had had enough. He stormed around the fire and forced her into a hug.
"Get the fuck off me!" she yelled, trying to push away.
"No!" growled Jowan, she tried to bite him on the shoulder, but he wouldn't let go.
"Jowan," Galel warned, "let her go."
"No!" Jowan protested, squeezing her tighter. The whole thing looked absolutely ridiculous, but he didn't care. She was being stubborn, she needed to know he still cared.
"This is ridiculous, you can't treat me like this forever!" he begged.
Kena screamed, and Jowan yelped as Galel finally pried him off and shoved him against the cave wall.
"Enough!" the elf bellowed, his yellow eyes burning a hole through Jowan's.
"She's my family!" Jowan spat, shoving Galel away, "This is none of your business-"
Kena screamed at Jowan and fell beside the fire, her hands gripping the ground so hard her fingernails bled, "I-I can't be around you," she cried, her voice breaking with angry tears, "I can't look at you, I can't see you, I can't…"
"Kena…" Jowan begged, his voice cracking, "I'm so, so sorr-"
"Stop it!" she screeched, staring wildly into the flames, "I don't want to hear it, I can't hear it. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…" she slammed her hands over her ears and kept muttering the phrase, over and over again as if she were trying to convince herself it were true.
Galel breathed out quietly, and Jowan could tell even he was shaken, "You should go, you both need time to calm down."
He wanted to punch Galel for so easily taking his place. Kena had latched onto the elf the same way she'd latched onto him when she first came to the circle. Jowan opened his mouth to protest, but he couldn't form the words.
So he shoved past the elf and out of the cave in defeat. He thought of following Lily, but the idea filled him with guilt. He couldn't follow her now, he had to be alone.
He wandered into the forest until he saw nothing but trees, and fell at the base of an ancient, gnarled stump.
What had he done? It was selfish, dragging Kena into his mistakes. If it weren't for him, she would have been fine. If he had never dabbled in blood magic, he would have never been held back by Irving. If he had never asked Amell to help him, she and Lily would have never suffered the terror of Aeonar.
But he wanted to be with Lily, living as he pleased, how he pleased.
Why had he waited until Kena was harrowed to ask for help? He knew of Irving's plans for weeks, but he had kept it secret from her. He knew her Harrowing was coming soon, Cullen had warned her as much. Why didn't he just tell her, when both of their phylacteries were still at Kinloch Hold?
He didn't want to face the truth of it, but deep down, he knew why.
Kena was like a sister to him, a little, cute sister that had started to grow annoying.
But he loved her, and that's why he wanted to make sure she was safe and settled in the Circle before he left. It was for her own good, he'd convinced himself at the time.
He cried out and slammed the back of his head against the tree. He deserved to be punished, to feel pain for what he had done.
Jowan didn't want to take care of her anymore. He didn't want the wide eyed apprentice that had been by his side since before he could remember hanging off of him as he started his new life with Lily.
Kena needed to grow up, and make do without him. She was so naive, there was no way she would survive outside of the Circle, and he was so infatuated with Lily that he didn't want his little sister tagging along like a lost puppy as he started his new life.
His whole body shuddered, and he cried, slamming his head into the tree over and over until he saw stars.
She would never forgive him, if she knew, and he'd die before he ever let her know. He regretted it, all of it, and he wished the Maker would turn back time so he could take it all back.
"Jowan?"
He looked up, and Lily stood before him, the sun illuminating the red curls of her hair like embers.
She was so beautiful, so perfect.
And he knew he didn't deserve her.
He buried his face in his hands, too ashamed to look at her anymore.
She sat beside him, and ran her hand over his head, pulling him into a hug, "I'm sorry I lost my temper earlier, I should have been more understanding."
"Don't apologize," he whispered, "ever."
He grabbed her around the waist, and they embraced in silence. He wanted to enjoy this, her, before what would come next.
"Lily," he began, pulling away, he squeezed her arms, and admired her face.
And then he kissed her, and though he half expected her to pull away she didn't.
He forced himself to pull away, and ran his hands through her hair before kissing her forehead and then letting her go, and he hoped it wasn't for the last time.
"What is it Jowan?" she said, but her voice was uneasy, as if she sensed what he was thinking.
"I have to help her," he murmured.
Lily was quiet for a moment, and she swallowed hard, "It's evil Jowan, you promised you'd give it up…"
"I know," he said, ashamed, "but she needs my help. This is the last time, I swear."
Lily shook her head, wiping a tear away, "How can I believe that?"
She pulled away from Jowan, and squeezed her knees to her chest, "Do what you must, but I'll have no part in it."
"Lily," he began, reaching for her, but she pulled away from his touch, and he felt his heart shatter.
"Tell me when you're done, I don't want to see it," she whispered.
He nodded glumly, and stood up, sulking back to the cave.
This is the last time, I swear it…