Proposal
The contests to determine pack-orders came and went with results as she expected. Blue was named Third-Fish-Hunter and Green was named Eighth-Fighter, which was still a very good showing for a first-time Fighter. Yellow became a new Plant-Tender, which did not have a number or order to start out. That number and order would come later in a test of remembering and of making health-helping mixes of plants as the First-Plant-Tender instructed.
Yellow and Green, she would always think of them with those names, named each other as mates. Their parents came forward and gave them licks of approval.
Red, First-She-Far-Flier to the pack, and Second-Fighter also announced themselves as mates.
She suspected that Red's pairing might be less out of liver-wanting and more for pack-order rising. Having influence in the Fighters and the She-Far-Fliers was a good power-pairing. Red would probably think that way.
All her friends were so grown up and responsible.
She continued on her flight up to the higher ledges and up past the ledge lit by the glowing light-rock on which Alpha commonly perched. She spied Oldest-Knower and turned her flight to her, gently landing outside the den. She respectfully entered the den, let Oldest-Knower take the fish from her teeth, sat down, and waited for the elder light wing to finish the fish.
"My thanks for the fish, young one."
She purred in appreciation, "You are very welcome. May we talk?"
"Always."
She lay down and made herself comfortable, "I have been with the pack for two life-making cycles now. You know that I have worked, hunted, helped watch the young, and tried to be part of the pack."
"And you are. Life was good to us when you flew to us. You are a special kin."
She sighed heavily, "It has been very liver-warming being here, but I feel different. Unsettled."
"How?" Oldest-Knower warbled.
Her tail twitched on the ground before her while she stared at her tailfins. They were so similar to those of a pure light wing, but they were also slightly different in shape. As were many things about her.
"I remember seeing the young, the hatchlings and fledglings, with their dams. I remember the dams sitting and singing to their eggs. Not only in this pack but also in Lone-Tree-Pack."
Oldest-Knower chuckled, "And you want that life-warmth for yourself?"
How did Oldest-Knower know that from so little? So wise and… knowing, most appropriately.
"Yes. I would have to be life-twisted to not want that or to not think about it. I am grown enough for that, and I feel wanting in my liver."
Oldest-Knower roughly got to her paws and started out of the den with a subtle flick of her head. They walked together out onto the outer ledge. They sat down and watched what little activity there was to see from there. The occasional Fish-Hunter bringing back a fish. A Far-Flier going with news or a report. A Young-Watcher following around the smaller fledglings on the ice.
"You flew to us with a cold in your liver. A cold from losing your sire," Oldest-Knower began.
She softly hummed, "He had much age, and our last words were not... what I hoped they would be."
"What did you hope they would be?"
"I wanted to understand why he did what he did. I understand that being an Alpha means doing things for all even if it brings some pain or is not what the Alpha would want to do."
"True."
"He was so warm to me at first. I remember my first waking-cycles out of my egg and even his voice from when I was still in the egg. I remember him letting me perch on his back for flying. And then something changed. I saw it in his eyes. He was afraid or chilled by something. I know that he was not a light wing, and my dam was a light wing. He cannot have been twisted inside by my being... different and a mixed-kin life, could he?"
Oldest-Knower grumbled softly, "No, I do not think so. No sire should think that his own young is foul or wrong or should-not-be. It must be something different that twisted him into staying away. You may never know what it was."
She whimpered softly at that and turned to Oldest-Knower, "But I want to know! I should know if I did some bad. At least if I did something bad that made him think less of me then I could learn from it and not do that bad again. I would not want any of my hatchlings to feel what I did or have twisted hatchling life."
Oldest-Knower chuckled softly at that, "So do not fly away from any little ones you may have. Problem grounded. And if you ever want an egg you need to something about that. That needs a male in your life-flight."
She grumbled and huffed, "Yes, I know. First-She-Far-Flier, my friend, was more... forward about showing her wanting than I am. Of course, she has Second-Fighter as hers. She told me how she… got his interest. I know of others who were not mates and were being together, but they still held the other to the liver and are now mates."
Oldest-Knower grumbled, "That happens more than most know, but continue."
She rolled her forepaws while staring at them, "But I am different. I am not a true light wing."
Oldest-Knower gave a soft purr of acknowledgment, "You are a little bigger and stronger than a pure light wing female. You have a different shape and you are a mixed-kin which... nevermind."
It was not often that Oldest-Knower stumbled in speaking like that, but she ignored it out of respect. Maybe the light wing was very tired.
"But I might be the only of whatever I am. My sire was the only of his kind. What if I cannot... no... no, I cannot think that way. I can be a good mate with a light wing. My sire was," she pawed at the ground, her tail thrashing her frustration.
A long silence followed until the elder light wing reached out with a paw and gently nudged her shoulder.
"Do you want me to say what you want to hear or what you need to hear?" Oldest-Knower asked.
"Please, what do I need to hear?"
"I have seen many mated pairs in all my time. One thing that all the pairs that lasted shared was that they understood the other in their life-flight and respected them. They were enough alike that neither was a lesser in the pair. They understood each other, but they also allowed the other some distance."
That all had lift. Neither the male or female having more control over the other was important since they should fly at each other's side in their life-flights.
"That is good."
Oldest-Knower faintly hummed and continued, "You are different from us in many ways. You have thought-voice and other life-will-powers. None of us do."
"Why is that important?" she warily asked.
"Do you know why so many in the pack approve of you? Especially the females who let you sit with their young and be alone around their mates?"
Was that true? It had not seemed important since she would much rather be accepted than not. She would not hurt any of the young. Further, she did not think about trying to break a mated pair apart. Doing that would be very bad, wrong, and twisted.
"No, why?"
"Because they do not see you as a threat or competition. They do not think that you would take their mate or could be a threat."
Was that it? Was she only accepted by them because she was not a threat?
"Well, I would not."
Oldest-Knower continued in a whisper, "I do not know if you belong in this pack always."
She blinked and glanced over at Oldest-Knower in shock. The elder female immediately continued speaking.
"Do not think wrong. I am not saying that we would push you from the pack. We will not. But you might need to fly to other ranges if you want to find a mate. This pack has its customs, and it is very difficult to get normal packmates to change. Are there any males here whom you might want to be with?"
She knew without any doubt who her first and only choice would be. There was no one else who she knew well enough to consider.
"Third-Fish-Hunter. He has no mate, and we catch fish together. He was one of the fledglings who I got to know after I joined this pack."
"One of your friends. I see. Have you let him know about your wanting?" Oldest-Knower asked.
"No. I do not know the ceremonies the pack has for this."
Oldest-Knower paused before shrugging, "Then go talk to him. Tell him that your liver is warmed by being around him. Tell him that you want to hold him to your liver and want a nest and hatchling. Do not foul your own flight by thinking too much or worrying."
Was it that simple? Just go and talk to him? What about all the bonding ceremonies, hunting fish and other prey, and challenging others to rise in the pack-order? So much of that did not work for her anyway.
"The most chilling thing that could happen is he says he does not want you for a mate. Then you move on to pursue another. No reason to wait if you are certain about this. Go," Oldest-Knower said.
She huffed and stared out into the familiar chamber. There were other light wings flying now, though none of them were the one most in her thinking.
"Good idea. I will go talk to him."
Oldest-Knower purred softly in approval, although there was a faint sadness or chill in her eyes.
"You have much to learn about life. Learning can hurt, be good, or both. Go and learn."
With an eager, hopeful liver, she jumped from the ledge and started gliding down the long chamber which was a sea of water and ice. She knew where he would likely be hunting fish or resting.
All along the flight, she flew her thoughts back to the very first time she had flown to this range and this pack. Back to when her floundering wings gained lift again.
They were good memories of a simpler time in life. Back when it was enough to fly for fun and liver-warmth, to dive into deep water when hunting for fish, to dart through the hunting-grounds as a pack, to listen to pack-stories, and to sit other dams' eggs and little ones for them.
Not enough now.
Found you!
He was gliding over a long stretch of ice with fish-catching holes. His gaze was turned down to the waters in search of any sign of prey. He did not see her even without her flying a hiding-flight.
Perfect!
She approached silently, giving no calls, roared or thought-spoken, to warn him. Then she darted forward with a burst of speed and closed her jaws around his tail. He bellowed in alarm as they both started falling. They fell only for a few wingbeats since she let him go immediately after. They both dove for the thick ice and landed on it, beating their wings to come to a stop on the ice.
They stared each other down with tails swaying and warm growls.
"Skadi," Third-Fish-Hunter hissed.
"Third-Fish-Hunter... Blue, got you!" she hissed back.
"Well hunted," he huffed.
She lifted her head from play and calmly walked to him.
"How was the fish hunting?" she purred.
"Not bad, but the hunting could be better. The fish are somewhere else," he grumbled.
"Could I help?"
"If you want to."
She purred in agreement and slipped into the nearest diving-hole. She was back in the cold water, the dark deeps of the hidden ocean stretching out below her.
While she could dive very deep in search of fish, none of the other light wings could join her alone in the open deeps. They could go into the shallows, where there were any, but not the darkness in which strange things swam. Those things might make other kin prey.
Being away from Third-Fish-Hunter also gave her a moment to think in peace as she hunted for fish.
They had swam many hunts together. They had played in the water many times. They had rested together after long play and hunting. All was good. But they had never done anything that showed wanting to each other.
Should she jump from the water and pin him? Lie down on her back and present to him? Talk about what he wants from life? This was a part of life she knew nothing about.
Probably talk first. That has more lift.
A faint idea flitted into her thoughts. Her thought-powers might help here. She could easily try to nudge him to want her. That might help, but… it also felt like there was rot in that idea. He would not truly be wanting her if she… tricked him into wanting her. No, true wanting was better than false wanting. No tricking him or using him.
Friends or mates did not trick each other or use each other.
A fish found itself frozen before her and was clutched between her teeth. Then she made for the nearest diving-hole. He saw her after she emerged, shook dry, and dropped the fish at his paws.
"What a surprise," he chuckled.
"You know me!" she laughed.
"How do you always do it?"
"By being myself!"
This was the time to be brave, so she took a deep breath.
"Blue, I want to talk."
He turned to her and hummed softly, "What about?"
"About our life-flights."
He tilted his head in confusion, "What do you mean?"
"I have been with the pack for two life-making cycles, and have done much," she said, sitting before him.
She curled her tail around to her front paws and flicked her tailfins. That had to help show her interest. Hopefully.
"I have sheltered eggs and fledglings for their dams."
"Yes."
"I want that. Do you, Blue?"
"What are you saying?" he asked.
"I am asking if you want to be my mate. Could you want that?"
He stiffened and looked away, "What? I… had no idea."
"Well, I do. Do you?"
"I... I cannot. No."
"No?" she gasped.
No? He did not want her?
"I want someone else. And you and me being a pair would be against the pack-rule," he explained.
She blinked, her shock breaking with confusion. She did not know that he had interest in another. That hurt to learn, but it was fair. But the other thing he said was very twisted.
What did he mean by a pack-rule?
"Oh. What... what pack-rule?"
He did not meet her eyes, instead looking down at his paws, "You are a different life, not a true light wing. We do not mix."
She turned aside from him and growled with no true strength, "Why... why does that have lift? We are less different than my sire and dam were!"
"True, but different kin do not truly join life-flights. Not like that."
She focused on only her breaths, perched as she was between anger and confusion. He did not say anything cruelly or with teeth bared, he was too kind in the liver to be like that, but the words still cut deep. How had she not heard anything of this before? And did this mean that she was not truly welcome or wanted by the pack?
"Is... so I am not truly part of your pack?" she whispered.
"No, not that."
She spun on him at those words as anger briefly shadowed the confusion, "What! Is that what you all truly think?"
"Skadi, you are my friend, but not like that. You fly with us, do good for us, provide for the pack, and we do the same for you. That is all good, but you cannot be one with any of us in that way."
"But why not? What have I done wrong?"
"Nothing."
"So why?"
"It is what you are. It is the pack-rule."
"But why?"
He grumbled and looked around in confusion, "I do not understand. It is a pack-rule."
His lack of understanding was very frustrating. He was accepting this pack-rule or ceremony without questioning the why behind it. Why could he not see that it had no lift or reason?
"No one ever told me about such pack-rules," she huffed.
He stepped closer while humming softly, "Why would we? Think about this: what if a rock-belly-kin, a spine-tail-shooter-kin, or other different kin flew here and tried to join with you?"
She shivered at the wrong thought-picture, "That would a bad-wrong-twisted joining. They are not close-kin, much-like-kin. I and one of those could not make eggs. But I am not a very different wrong-kin from you, and I am part light wing. Why do you turn your tail on me?"
He sighed, "As I said, I want another. Not mixing with other kin is also a pack-rule. Different kin do not and should not mix like that."
"But why?"
"Such rules have always flown the pack well. Why would we change them?"
The painful, chilling truth finally became clear. The pack had many old ceremonies and life-rules that worked when life was normal. All the light wings in their pack had their own roles and duties to the pack. One custom apparently included not considering as mates any kin that was not a true light wing. Even the making of a new pack-role for the females was still within custom, in its own way.
But she was truly different from them, being very much not normal. The normal ceremonies had no lift with her. She had no one pack role, preferring instead to help with whatever needed doing in that waking-cycle. She had powers none of them had, all because she was not a simple and pure light wing.
It felt good to be part of a pack and to be accepted, but it seemed that acceptance was always a twisted-lie, a trick not so different from how her dam-mother only wanted her as a way out of a worse situation.
Maybe she should never have been if none could ever want her.
"Sorry. I should not have asked," she whispered, looking away from him.
"You did no bad. We can still be good hunting-mates to bring back many fish. We are still friends," he calmly answered.
As if nothing were different.
His words were meant to be warming, but they were empty. How could he truly be a friend when he thought she was less than him somehow? He was just saying that without truly meaning it!
Did the entire pack think as he did?
"Yes, true," she calmly said.
"If you were more to me and if it would not be against the pack-rule, I would have wanted you back when she almost suggested I do that," he snorted.
Something felt twisted about what he just mentioned.
"She?"
"Red asked me if I wanted you while you were asleep after you ate the mushroom. She said that she thought you might have wanting for me then, but you never showed that before," he explained.
Twisted. I never said anything about that to her. Maybe she saw my wanting before I did.
That would not be surprising. Her closest friend probably understood her better than she did herself.
He calmly continued, "Do you want to hunt more fish next waking-cycle?"
"Sure, we can do that."
"Good."
He purred and took to the sky, flying out over the ice and hunting-holes to resume his hunt.
She watched him fly until he vanished from sight. She did not mourn or let out any sounds of liver-chill. Instead, she felt nothing except for emptiness at a sleep-vision that would never hatch.
Learning more of the truth was always good even if it bought some liver-pain. So she had thought, but now and with what appeared to be the truth firmly in her claws, why was there any reason to think that anything would be different in the future with another male light wing from this pack? From any pack? They probably all held the same beliefs that would always have her be different and...
Unwanted.
She spun in place and jumped from the ice, taking to the sky and turning her flight back to the main pack-ledges.
It was a long flight.
Alone.
The Alpha, along with one of his two mates, was sitting on a high light-rock from where he could watch over much of the range. They were probably talking about something unimportant, like his fledgling or something.
'Alpha!'
He roared aloud a cry of greeting and summoning a wingbeat after he heard her thought-voice. She landed down the light-rock from him and inclined her head to him with respect as always.
"Alpha."
"Skadi," he purred back in greeting.
"I would speak to you... my pack-Alpha. Alone."
He signaled to his present mate, and she flew off without objection. Then he calmly walked over to her and sat down as she did the same. The light-rock was warm as it always was.
"You have my ears."
She breathed heavily and bit down the growl of... despair? Anger? Betrayal? Confusion? All at once.
"Alpha, if another light wing from a different pack flew here and wanted to take a mate and become part of the pack, is there a pack-rule or ceremony for that? How does it happen?"
"Yes, they would tell me why they flew from the old pack and, if I approve of them ranging with us, they would fly to the Firsts of the pack-roles. One of the Firsts would need to speak for it and let it into a pack-role where it can provide. Then the outsider flies in that role for a life-making cycle. After that it is accepted as truly part of the pack, and it may take a mate. That is the rule we follow with the males that have joined our pack from beyond."
It seemed to be a very long time to test the outsider, but it was the pack-rule. She also had been given a faster pack-joining ceremony because of her special situation.
"What about me?" she whispered.
"What?"
"What am I to your pack?" she calmly asked.
"Why do you ask?" he wondered, looking confused.
Something about his appearance, maybe the slight shuffling of his paws or the lack of swaying tail, suggested that he was being twisted or knew why she was asking. How could he pretend to be confused? What game was he playing?
The fire she was trying to smother was rising in her liver.
"Have you all been pretending that I am one of the pack?" she hissed.
"No, we were not pretending."
"Did I wrong you all? Does looking at me make you feel like you ate something rotted?" she growled.
Was it fear in his eyes? Was the heat on her scales and hide part of being angry? Maybe it was.
Strike him, hit him, hurt him to make the pain go away. Make him suffer for being false!
But she remembered Oldest-Knower's words shared with her many times over the last two life-making cycles. Control those feelings, hide from them, shove them down under the surface of thoughts, and do not give in to anger. Her own wispy memories of twisted groups of sleep-visions after eating a mushroom did not help, and instead only added to the confusion.
She closed her eyes and thought about nothing. Nothing existed in that moment except for her heavy breathing and the light-rock under her paws.
"Skadi."
His voice broke the moment and recalled her thinking to awareness. Her breaths slowed as she remembered to be calm and that she needed answers more than anything else. Everything settled down, and he warily spoke.
"You are truly part of the pack, but you have not found your life-flight yet. That is all."
She sighed, feeling very weary, "Is it? I only want to not be alone, have a nest of my own, and… be wanted. Is that too twisted of me?"
"No, but you must find one you can truly be one with as you want."
He clearly understood the problem she had flown into. Oldest-Knower had probably told him.
"I could be with a light wing. There is no bad in that. We are like-life. Why does your pack think I cannot be with one of you?" she asked.
"We have always had that custom, maybe because of false-pairs or mixed-pairs long ago which led to no eggs. I am not sure though."
She paused, sighed, and looked away from him, "Can we not be false with each other?"
He slowly stepped closer, "I do not lie. Do you trust me?"
"Why?"
"The problem is more than your shape and the small body differences between us and you. You are different from all of us in ways that matter. I doubt any male here could truly want you."
"Why not?" she whined.
"You have sleep-visions of what can happen. You hear thoughts if you try. You have thought-voice. You do other twisted things when you have much feeling. I know that you do not use your powers to do bad, but they make you very different. How could any male know that his wants for you are true and not what you are making them feel? You are not safe."
She recoiled and recalled the Oldest-Knower's words. Each in a pair had to be able to trust and respect the other, or others in the Alpha's case. Her own being able to thought-speak, hear thoughts, and touch life-fire might make it too hard for another to trust her. Any joining of life-flights would not be equal or with free trusting.
She hung her head while quietly mourning. Forced to be unwanted just because of what she was. There was nothing she could do about what she was. Why were her life-problems always her fault?
He continued, "None of us hate you or dislike you at all. We will not drive you from the range or the pack. You have been very good and warm to us while you have flown with us. As Alpha, I thank you for all you have done."
She sighed, thankful that she was at least still assured a place in the pack, even if having that place meant less now.
"Other light wing packs would not think much differently from this one, true?" she whispered.
"Probably not. We all prefer to stay in our own packs and not mix. Even with the gone dark wings, this pack long ago stayed on our own and did not join with them. I heard that there is cold wind between the kin-kinds."
"Why?"
He ruffled his wings while grumbling, "I am not sure about that either. I have also heard from Far-Fliers that many light wing packs are joining into larger ones in very far ranges. Other whispers of new life in far ranges, life that is both prey and predator from another world, sound too twisted to be true."
None of that mattered to her or concerned her own life-flight. Let the Alpha worry about that.
"But I am the only of my kind. What am I to do if I am alone always?" she whispered.
He sighed, "I do not know what that is like to be the only of a kind. Maybe you will find other light wings in your life-flight, and they might have different pack-rules."
She saw through the attempt at tricking her with false words of empty hope. What did he think she was: a mere fledgling still? No male light wing, if he knew what she was, could trust her in a pairing. That was a point he himself had made. That would be true in any pack she could possibly meet.
Did there need to be a pairing at all? She had wanted one, yes, but if males could not be trusting in that way, she did not need a male always in her life-flight. Expecting one to stay with her was asking for too much. There was another option. A male was only needed to do one thing.
"I understand the problem. Would you give me an egg?" she asked.
He blinked and stepped back with a bark of surprise, "What? Give you an egg?"
"Would you make an egg with me? I would not be a Third-Mate of yours, and you would not need to be a sire to the hatchling. I could raise it myself."
"I could do that, but-"
He groaned and looked away with his tail stilled. He looked very lost in his thoughts.
"Did you know that my first hatchling was a female?" he eventually whispered.
Why was that at all relevant? All she had heard in converation was that one of his daughters had died long ago.
"Yes."
He whined very softly, which was a sound she had never heard from him before, "She was very curious, liked to watch the tiny-wing flower-drinkers as they flew, and always stuck her nose in places where she should not have."
"What are you saying?"
"The last Alpha killed her. Her bones are among those in the cave. You remind me of her," he whispered.
She froze and forgot all else as she understood why he was apparently reluctant to do this. It was twisted to think of him seeing in her his own first female hatchling, but there was apparently some resemblance in their life-ways and who they were.
"Another male might do for you what you want, but I will not," he said.
"I understand and will not ask about this again," she hastily said.
Before he could say anything else, she spun in place and jumped from the light-rock. Her flight back to her den was calm and peaceful.
It was a long flight, alone.
Finally, she dove down and swept into her den, so similar in appearance to the old one she flew from over two life-making cycles ago. It had a ground of ice in one place and crisp, cold rocks on the other side. The rocks where she always curled up looked very inviting as a place to sleep. She had shaped this place to be as comfortable as possible.
She slowly padded over to the ice and looked down at her own image. Her soft spines flowed from her head down the short fin-ridge on her back and onto her tail. Her blue, purple, and white colors flowed on her scales, wings, and hide. All of that marked her as the mixed-kin that she was, not a pure light wing. As did her tailfins, being somewhat narrower and lengthier than a light wing would have. Her sire had no tailfins at all.
Maybe she could get a kin to bite off her soft spines. Maybe she should change what she looks like to be more what others want her to be. That was an option, painful but maybe necessary. Do that?
No. Changing those details would not change what she was.
She growled and shook her head to throw out the rotted thinking. Changing her body-shape would not make her less different. She would always be different from a pure light wing. Her scent would also be a little different. Further, she could not control or stop having sleep-visions. The other light wings fearing thought-voice or seeing how that power makes an imbalance of trust was also understandable.
She wandered back to her place of resting where she closed her eyes, curled up, and hid her head under her tailfins.
Perhaps the most twisting part of what she learned was that Alpha almost thought of her as his own little one because she reminded him of her. That explained why he would not give her an egg. That was fair of him. Somehow, the idea of asking another male to do that felt just as wrong.
Having a hatchling grow up without a sire-father truly in its life was twisted and bad. She knew that life-lesson too well.
Truthfully, it was good that her life-fight had flown this way. So many of the males and females in the pack were concerned with nothing except climbing the pack-order, having a mate to warm themselves with, and, for those who were allowed, having eggs and then raising the hatchlings. While there was probably some liver-warmth in that, such a life-flight was small and limiting.
None of those males or females ever thought about or could act on bigger purposes in life. They could not do things that changed the world or helped many kin. She could not have their life and the warmth they enjoyed, so maybe it was not such a good life for her anyway.