Chapter 9

(January 2008)

"Lorelai, what on earth was Rory thinking? This is completely unacceptable."

Lorelai held her cell phone to her ear as she balanced her coffee cup while dumping her mail on to the kitchen table. She cursed herself for not screening this phone call more carefully. She'd assumed that it was Rory calling.

Big mistake.

"Well, hello to you too, Mom. What's going on?"

Her mother was in fine form. "I just don't understand. I sent her beautiful outfits. An adorable red satin dress with a matching bow. A black velvet jumper with a darling ruffled blouse. Why didn't she use one?"

Amused, Lorelai grinned. Now she realized what her mother was ranting about. She glanced at her refrigerator to the birth announcement tacked underneath an Al's Pancake World magnet. It featured Nora's sweet little face and arms peeking out of a gigantic fuzzy red Christmas stocking. That was all she was wearing. Her brown eyes were open, and she appeared to be giggling.

Apparently, this didn't meet her mother's exacting standards.

"It's not even a professional quality photograph. I'll be the laughingstock at the DAR."

Lorelai stifled a giggle. "How will they even know, Mom?" She teased.

"Well, of course she sent them announcements." Then Emily become concerned. "Didn't she?"

Knowing the answer to that question, Lorelai smirked. She had taken care of creating and mailing the birth announcements. But she wasn't about to share that information with her mother.

She sorted through the mail as she responded. "I don't know. They're your friends, not hers. Why would she have their addresses?" Then Lorelai quickly added. "I'm sure if they sent Rory and Logan a baby or wedding gift that she'll be sending Thank You notes. It's just a very hectic time for them."

Rory and Logan were in survival mode, existing on limited sleep. Sending birth announcements to the entire DAR membership wasn't on their radar. Lorelai had stayed with them in San Francisco for nearly three weeks. She'd been there when Rory was almost in tears, trying to figure out how to pull the fancy dress over Nora's head. Logan finally made the executive decision to forego the complicated outfits for the photo.

Teasing her mom, she said, "If it's that important to you, you could send them yourself."

"I might do that. Once I take a decent photo."

Sensing where her mother might be heading, Lorelai asked, "Mom, what are you thinking?"

"My great-granddaughter is over a month old and I haven't gotten to see her yet," Emily said.

"We've talked about this. The kids are dealing with a lot of changes. Nora is fussy and doesn't sleep much. Give them a few more weeks to adjust before visiting."

The last thing Rory needed was a visit from Emily Gilmore. The towering pile of dirty dishes in the sink and laundry scattered about would horrify her.

Emily pouted. "Rory barely talks to me. Our last conversation lasted five minutes."

"Probably because the baby started crying. Or there was some other interruption. Rory's having a rough time, Mom. Her days are feeding the baby and changing diapers, while trying to get some sleep. She doesn't have much to say." Lorelai twirled a strand of her dark locks about her finger.

"I suppose. I need to get started on wedding plans. Some venues are reserved years in advance. It's going to be tight getting this May to work. Especially if we want to have the ceremony at Cape Cod or Martha's Vineyard."

Lorelai suspected this was more her mother's preference than Logan or Rory's.

"What happened to your winter wonderland theme?"

Lorelai was being devilish. She was fully aware of her mother's motives for pushing for a May wedding. Lorelai wondered if she would admit that it was easier to disguise the age of a baby rather than conceal an active toddler. That was Emily Gilmore, always weighing her social standing.

Though, to be fair, her parents adored Nora and openly bragged about her, showing photos to all who were somewhat receptive. Her mother never had the opportunity to do that with Rory.

Admitting nothing, Emily merely said, "We don't want to put things off."

Expecting nothing less, Lorelai sighed. "Mom, you know Rory and Logan appreciate that you and Dad want to host a wedding and a reception for them. I'm sure they'll be more excited about it once they start getting more sleep."

"I don't understand. We got them a nanny. What's the problem? Isn't she doing her job?"

While Rory's initial impulse was to refuse that gift, Lorelai had convinced her that having high quality childcare in her home would be wonderful for Nora and instrumental in allowing Rory to pursue her career.

"And that was a fabulous gift, Mom. Finding quality childcare is hard. Now they won't have to worry about that."

"So why are they so tired?" Emily was becoming impatient.

Her mother wouldn't understand that Rory didn't want to delegate all the duties that came with motherhood.

"The nanny is only there during the day."

"I can pay for nights. That's not a problem."

Lorelai also didn't want her mother micromanaging Nora's life.

"And that's very generous of you, but that should be Rory and Logan's decision."

XXXX

While Rory recognized how fortunate she was to have a nanny, it was awkward having a stranger in her house from eight am to six pm, five days a week. Especially in their cramped town house. Especially when Rory often didn't have the opportunity to shower and sometimes didn't change out of pajamas until midafternoon.

It was confusing. She wasn't sure which baby responsibilities were hers and which were the nanny's. And was she supposed to chat with the nanny? Or should she take a cue from her grandmother and remain distant? Was she supposed to provide her snacks or coffee? Was it okay to ask her for childcare advice or would the woman think less of her?

The only other time she'd dealt with servants was at her grandparent's house. And her town house was nothing like her grandparent's spacious estate. Her townhouse consisted of the open main floor, the baby's room and the master bedroom. The downstairs, crammed with boxes, was essentially a storage depot. There were limited opportunities for privacy.

Even though she'd eventually be returning to work, on many occasions she and Logan would be on their own with the baby. Rory felt she needed to be able to take care of Nora. Watching the nanny bathe or burp the baby wasn't enough, Rory had to do each task herself to fully ensure that she was competent. Always the eager student, she longed to learn the routine, which maddeningly enough, seemed to change every day.

After returning from the hospital, days and nights had blended together. Feeding, diapering, rocking, soothing, trying to sleep. There were constant interruptions. Her brain felt like Swiss cheese, she couldn't think straight. One day she was appalled to discover that she'd spent the entire day with a large stain on her T-shirt and something resembling congealed gravy in her hair.

It was demoralizing.

With good intentions, she'd started breast feeding. After a week, she found it far too frustrating. She'd been exhausted even before Nora's birth. She felt as if she'd never catch up. It sounded so pathetic that all she wanted was to these days was sleep.

She also longed to go back to work.

It was a world that she knew and felt far more comfortable in. No one was screaming for hours on end or waking her up at odd hours of the night.

This felt like torture.

On the rare occasions that the baby napped, Rory cleaned or searched the newspapers for jobs while the nanny worked on her knitting.

XXX

Fast asleep in their darkened bedroom, Logan stirred as the sound of crying was amplified by the baby monitor. He nudged Rory with his foot. Dead to the world, she didn't move. He pushed harder against her shoulder. She started to shift positions.

"Huh?"

"Rory, the baby."

Pulling her pillow over her head, she pleaded. "Can't you go this time?"

Lack of sleep had made them irritable and impatient with one another.

"I have to be able to function at work tomorrow."

"It's not easy for me either!"

"We have a nanny. Use her." Logan insisted.

Rory dramatically threw off the covers, being sure to disturb those about Logan. She stomped across the floor. Feeling annoyed, she made as much noise as possible descending the stairs to prepare a bottle.

After feeding Nora, Rory tried several times to place her back into her crib, but she just started fussing again. Finally, in desperation, Rory held Nora close, wrapped a blanket about them and fell asleep with her on the futon.

XXX

A few hours later, Nora's cries woke her. At least by this time, the sun had risen. Rory trudged downstairs, half asleep, with the baby crying in her arms. The pounding in her temples was killing her. She moved to hand the baby to Logan, who was seated at the kitchen table. He recoiled.

"What are you doing? I just got dressed for work. I can't get this dirty, I don't have any other clean shirts."

Taking offense, she lashed back. "And that's my fault?"

"I didn't say that."

He didn't have to. She knew exactly what he meant. Balancing the baby in the crook of her arm, Rory started opening then slamming cabinets, searching for clean bottles.

"We only have one income coming in. We gotta pay the bills. I have to do my job," Logan said.

The constant crying made her feel as if her head was going to explode. She found a slightly used bottle on the counter, rinsed it as best she could, then measured out formula with her free hand.

"I get that. But you live here too. And you're her father. You have responsibilities. Don't you want to be different from your father?"

When she heard the words leave her mouth, she realized that might have been a low blow. But she was frustrated. He needed to put some effort in and do his part. Up to this point, Logan had been very tentative with the baby. He also hadn't stepped up with doing housework.

Once she put the bottle in Nora's mouth, the ear-splitting noise stopped. Rory heaved a sigh of relief as she sank onto a chair.

"What do you want from me?" he asked, exasperated.

Rory couldn't believe he was so clueless. Wasn't it obvious? The dishes were piling up in the sink. They were running out of clean clothes. Thank you notes hadn't been written. Still more gifts were arriving that hadn't even been opened. She was almost out of diapers and formula but dreaded leaving the townhouse with a baby in tow.

"Are you kidding? How about loading the dishwasher? Or taking out the garbage when it's overflowing?"

She couldn't believe she had to ask him to do these chores.

"Why can't you work on this stuff while the nanny is here? Isn't her job watching the baby?"

Rory bit her lip, stifling her urge to shout. Logan could be such a snob sometimes. "You know it doesn't work that way. We have to be able to do these things ourselves."

The horrific past two weekends they'd spent alone with the baby had more than emphasized that. She didn't need to elaborate to make her point.

"True. But this isn't like school, Rory. You don't have to do everything perfectly. And we've gotta be able to function. I feel like the walking dead. I'm gonna be in serious trouble if I fall asleep during another meeting. We've gotta figure out a way to get more sleep."

Feeling overwhelmed, Rory asked, "And how do you suggest we do that?"

"Sleep when the baby sleeps."

She was so sick of hearing that useless advice that everyone touted. The baby rarely slept for long periods of time. And that was the only uninterrupted time she had to get anything else accomplished.

"And when am I supposed to get the laundry done?"

Pushing his chair away from the table, Logan said, "I don't know. But if you want me to go to work tomorrow, you'd better figure it out.

"I'm gonna miss my train. I gotta go."

XXX

Hiding in her bedroom while Nora was napping, Rory talked on the phone. She was huddled beneath a quilt, perched on top of her bed. She kept her voice low, in fear of waking the baby. She also didn't want the nanny to overhear her conversation.

"She's judging me, Paris. What I wear. The fact that I haven't combed my hair in three days. That our place is so old and messy."

She must be desperate if she was looking for encouragement from Paris. But she felt she'd called her mother and Lane one too many times. They deserved a break.

"You really don't know how this works. Servants are paid to be discrete. Well paid. Sure, they probably talk about us behind our backs, but it would be the kiss of death to insult their employer to her face." Paris explained.

"I'm not the one paying her salary, my grandmother is."

"All the more reason for her to behave appropriately. If she offends your grandmother, she's poison and will be black listed. She'll never nanny again."

"She's on the opposite coast. Who would know?"

"Doesn't matter. For a top-notch agency, she'd be toast.

"What's really going on here, Gilmore?" Paris asked.

Was it the sleep deprivation that made her feel as if she were drowning?

"I'm worried about being a bad mom."

She must be worn out. Why was she telling Paris this?

Because she was afraid that a real parent would see right through her, immediately recognizing her inadequacy. She was also ashamed to admit that she wasn't in love with her baby.

"The fact you're asking these questions tells me it's a moot point."

Surprised, Rory thought she might have heard her wrong. " What?"

"The fact you're worried about it shows you won't be. Because you care."

"I don't know, Paris. There's an awful lot that can go wrong."

It was so easy to heat the formula to the wrong temperature, forget to test the bathwater, inadvertently bump into stuff while carrying the baby. Nora was so tiny and vulnerable. Utterly dependent on her.

"Yeah. But I grew up with a nanny. She's more of a parent to me than my biological parents are. She's the one took care of me – ate dinner with me, read to me, asked me how my day was. Sure, my mom took me shopping and trotted me out to perform at family dinners and functions. We took elaborate family trips. But nanny was the one that actually cared. She knew me. She knew all my day-to-day issues. That's what being a parent is about."

It felt somewhat surreal hearing Paris Geller pontificate on being a parent. Yet, her words made sense.

Feeling encouraged, Rory changed the subject. "I need to find a job."

She felt her professional identity was slipping away from her and she was determined to reestablish herself as a productive human being.

"Remember that fourth trimester. You're not yourself. You need to recover first." Paris sternly lectured.

Rory insisted. "But I need a job for once I recover. And those aren't easy to find. I keep scanning the paper and websites."

"And when are you doing this?"

Sensing it was the wrong answer, Rory sheepishly replied. "When the baby is sleeping."

"Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. When the baby sleeps, you sleep. And you have a nanny. Take advantage of that. Take one to five in the afternoon for yourself. Go lay down and sleep. Who cares what the nanny thinks? If you had a nine-to-five job, you'd be gone all day. Once you're feeling more like yourself, use that time to get out of the house. Go to a coffee shop. Get lunch with a friend.

"And don't be a dolt. You're a Yale grad. When you're ready for a job, contact the Yale alumni network in your area. That's how it's done."

"I don't want to bother anyone." Rory hated the idea.

"Wrong. That's part of why we went to an Ivy League school. Connections. Networking. It's expected. Use it."

XXX

A week later, after napping every afternoon, Rory was starting to feel more like herself. Even though the baby still woke up at random intervals during the night, it was more manageable. She finally felt more human.

She felt a little guilty to be hiding in her room while Nora fussed with the nanny but she quickly got over it. She finally overcame her reservations and asked the nanny, Rosa, for advice. Among the piles of gifts, they'd found a motorized sling chair for the baby which freed Rory's hands so she could load the dishwasher or sort laundry.

Rosa helped her figure out how to latch the baby car seat into the stroller so they could report for Nora's belated one-month well-care appointment and then stop by the store to pick up some essentials. Rory felt ashamed the outing had been so draining for her. Yet it had been wonderful to get out of the apartment.

While she was still peeved with Logan, she managed to convince him to man the ten to midnight shift so she could sleep without interruption for a few hours. Today she asked him to load the dishwasher and run it every evening as well as take care of the trash. She'd see if he'd actually do it.

At least it was a start.

Logan wasn't very good at initiating tasks but he'd comply when directly asked. She hated the idea of becoming the harping housewife. She asked him to take turns with changing diapers. One night he picked up dinner on the way home.

Hearing the baby crying in the distance, she tensed but resisted the urge to rise. Rosa had assured her that it was okay for her to take time for herself.

Her grandmother had been pressuring her to make decisions regarding their wedding. At this point Rory could care less about the ceremony. May seemed so far away. Yet it was important to her grandparents who had never sponsored a wedding for their only daughter. And it would be fabulous to see her friends and enjoy an elaborate party with top notch food and dancing, without worrying about the cost.

She examined the baggy sweats and worn-out T-shirt that she was wearing. Would she have her figure back by May? Right now, she was in poor condition, with limp hair, a flabby stomach and pale complexion.

She studied a framed photo that sat on her nightstand, of she and Logan at their wedding. They all looked so happy. She loved the Grecian style dress that she'd worn at the ceremony. Could she wear it again? Most likely it would require some alterations.

Then she thought about the other wedding dresses her mother had sent her. She'd already sold the larger maternity gown, with her mom's blessing. It was beautiful but way too large for her. She smiled, remembering the vintage 20s style lace dress that she'd loved.

Could she fit into it by May?

She reached for her phone.

"Hi Grandma. It's Rory. I have some ideas for the wedding."