Usual disclaimers apply.

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Chapter 22

Waking up I smelled the stew we'd had for dinner reheating over the fire. I had stayed awake reading the rest of Mama's first journal far too late the night before and needed to talk to my mother about what I had discovered. Slipping from the bed I sat down next to her and put my head on Mama's shoulder as I yawned. "Thanks for letting me sleep."

"You were up late, little one."

"Yeah, I didn't want to stop reading once I started. It was pretty deep and I, well I just didn't want to stop."

"I understand," Mama dislodged me from her shoulder as she picked up the bowls and dished up the stew. "All heated and I promise not burned."

"You've gotten better at reheating," I teased. Taking a bite of the stew I swallowed and began to laugh putting my bowl down before I dropped it.

"What's so funny?" Mama was looking at me like I was crazy.

"Do you remember trying to make toast? How many toasters did we have to put down?" I couldn't stop my laughter and Mama began to laugh as well.

"In total, fifteen," she finally answered.

"Fifteen?" I finally caught my breath and continued to smile at her. "I only remember eight."

"Yeah, well, I have many skills," Mama deadpanned through her chuckle.

"You do," I commented giving her a peck on the cheek.

"Not that I don't appreciate the kiss, but what was that for, little one?"

"Just being you, no matter when we are." Picking up my bowl of stew I began to eat again. "When did you know you were going to the dark side?"

"Seriously? Of all the ways to ask me that, you choose that?"

"Luke, I am your father?" I shrugged as she shook her head.

"I knew letting you watch all those movies would come back to bite me in the ass one day," she smirked at me and I put my bowl down again and snuggled into her. "How about we move this to the bed, little one. I feel a long talk coming on and I'd like to be comfortable."

"Sounds good," getting up I helped Mama to her feet and took the stew pot from the fire.

As we got settled on the bed, our backs against the cave wall, I managed to find myself snuggling into Mama yet again. After reading her journal I found myself craving physical proximity to her. It was almost as if I was reassuring myself that she was here and was still my mama. Not the Xena from the journal.

We sat in silence for a few minutes and Mama finally took a deep breath, "The day I lost Lyceus was the beginning for me. I know that your mother thinks it was when Cesar double crossed me and M'Lila died, but it began that day in the village. I hurt so much it was as if a part of my soul died that day. I took Lyceus home and my own mother…"

She trailed off and I wrapped my arms around her, "What happened, Mama? Nobody has ever told me."

"She slapped me, Sam. Told me that I was no daughter of hers and to get out." Mama's voice became hollow. "I wanted nothing more than to fall into her arms as I had done when I was a little girl, but there was no room for me in her grief. Instead I turned my grief to anger and left. I had no family left. Toris had run away, my mother had rejected me, and Lyceus was dead. Killed because he chose to follow me into battle. That began my path to the Destroyer of Nations."

"Have you and Yaya ever talked about what happened that day?"

"We have," Mama sighed. "When I first returned home,"

"After meeting Mom?" I interrupted.

"Yes," Mama kissed my temple, "She was willing to let the village stone me when I first returned after meeting your mother, little one. She didn't believe I had changed. I was rejected a second time and it hurt almost more than the first."

"What happened?"

"Your mother happened," Mama gave a dry chuckle. "She had great timing and managed to show up after Mother had taken my weapons. Made an impassioned argument for why the village shouldn't kill me."

"Would you have let them do it?" I asked afraid of the answer but needing to know.

"Yes, little one, I would have. I felt I had nothing to live for and if it would make my mother feel like I had paid for killing my brother, then I would have allowed it."

"Oh Mama," I hugged her tightly and felt her arm come around me. "What changed?"

"Gabrielle."

"She's pretty amazing isn't she?"

"She is," Mama squeezed me tight. "I know it's been hard for you here with Gabrielle so different than who you remembered from the future."

"Remember when I told her that she wasn't my mother?"

Mama chuckled, "I do. That was a hard transition for all of us, little one."

"I still miss her sometimes," I paused for a moment. "The mom I had in the future. I miss our walks and going to the flea market with her. I miss reading her books before she even sent them to the publisher." I wiped a tear from my cheek. "I miss how relaxed she was there. You too, Mama. You're always on guard here even when you're trying to hide it. I understand it, but I miss not having to worry about danger all the time. My sisters will never know that will they? Life without danger."

"Not in the way you knew it," Mama admitted. "And your mother and I miss that too. I miss how our worst problem was being on speed dial from the school."

"Me too." We enjoyed each other in silence for a bit longer while lost in memories. Finally deciding to break it I took a deep breath. "Ares, why Ares?"

"I could say he got to me in a vulnerable time, or I wanted that type of guidance, but I won't. The truth is I wanted power and Ares reeks of power. I wanted people to fear me and respect me the way that they do Ares. I figured using him the way he wanted to use me would be the best way to do it."

"Did it work the way you thought it would?" I asked.

"No, Ares is never what you think he is, and I learned the hard way what trusting him brought me. I began to think in terms of power alone and used everything and anything I had to gain more."

"Including yourself?" I whispered.

"Yes, Sam. Including myself. I used my body as a tool to get what I wanted. I saw sex as nothing more than a trade of power."

"And Borias?"

"It started out as a merging of power. His army and mine," she stopped to kiss my temple again. "I fell in love, or what I thought was love, and it became more than that for me."

"And Lao Mao?"

"Started me on a path for healing, I just wasn't ready to listen yet."

"Not until Solan was born?"

"It began there," she admitted. "But until I met your mother nothing in the world seemed to make sense."

"Did you ever think of going back to Ares?"

"No," Mama's voice was rough. "I never want to go down that path again. We have a history but I never worshiped him like a lot of his followers do. He was a means to an end. He gave me the chakram and taught me a lot about being a warrior, a leader, and most importantly, he taught me everything I shouldn't do to keep people following me."

"What do you mean?"

"Ares and I used each other, Sam. I had more of an equal partnership with him than probably any other mortal. I saw how he treated his followers. He expected blind obedience, no questions asked. I fought him, argued about his decisions, I asked the questions." Mama snorted. "And I, in turn, expected my men to follow me into battle, but not blindly. Not like Ares did. My men knew why they were following me, or thought they did. Nobody but me really knew my full plan on any battle or sacking. Still, they all thought I trusted them, and had allowed them into my mind. Little did they know."

"Did you trust anyone after Borias?"

"Not until your mother," Mama turned and put her fingers under my chin catching my eyes. "She is the only person I have ever trusted completely, with everything I have, and everything I am, Samina. Your mother and I have no secrets, not anymore."

"Illusia."

"Illusia. I know that wasn't in the journal," Mama let my chin drop and kissed the top of my head.

"No, it wasn't, but I wondered if Dahok was a greater evil than Ares."

"Without a doubt." Mama's reply was instantaneous. "Dahok was the worst type of evil, little one. And when Ares and Dahok's child mated…."

"No wonder Mom's parents didn't like me much," I sighed and leaned into her. "Amma and Papa try, you know, but they just don't understand."

"They don't."

"So, you never answered my question, did you and Yaya ever talk about the day Lyceus died?"

"We did, little one. We've had more than one conversation about it, actually. But those conversations are between your yaya and me."

"Understood." I laid down on the bed and put my head in her disappearing lap. "I miss this, Mama. Thank you for bringing me here, just us. It may not be a morning ride before school, or us alone at the dojo but it's nice."

"It is." Mama agreed. "I'm sorry, little one."

"Sorry?" I relaxed as Mama's fingers ran through my hair. "For ignoring what you need far too often. I've realized that your mother and I have not done the best job of putting you first at times in relation to your sisters, and I am so sorry for that."

"I know it's hard, Mama. I do, but it's hard to go from being an only child for ten years to the oldest of four, well, soon to be five. I miss you guys."

"Is that why you've clung to the music player and your cell phone?" Mama's strong fingers continued to play with my hair, and I easily fell back into the feeling of comfort she gave me.

"Yes. I listen to you tucking me in every night, Mama. Every night. I have pictures on my phone, and," I hesitated for a moment. "I've kept up the tradition of a picture on my birthday, and Eve's. We do it in secret and it's kind of our thing, I guess."

"So I'm not supposed to know about it?" Mama chuckled.

"Nope," I began to draw a pattern with my left hand on her knee. "You know nothing, warrior babe."

"Oh no, little one. Only Aphrodite calls me that."

Laughing I turned to look up at her, "Yeah, she does love her nicknames doesn't she?"

"She does," Mama agreed. "How would you feel about a swim, little one?"

"Seriously?" I sat up and hugged Mama once more. "I would love to swim with you. Let's see who can catch the most fish for dinner."

"As if there's any doubt?" Mama raised her eyebrow at me.

"I've learned from the best, Mama," I teased. "You are so going down."

"In your dreams, Sam." Mama's bare feet found the floor of the cave and she put her arm around me pulling me down and giving me a noogie. "I am going to win."

"Wanna bet?" I asked as she let me go.

"Nope."

"Not that confident, huh?"

"Don't want to be in trouble with your mom for allowing you to gamble," she replied as we both broke into laughter.