"Kissing knuckles"

Chapter 11

Robert was at a loss. Cora's words had left him numb. And this numbness, this detachment went on longer than he anticipated. First, it went on for the following minutes. He sought his office, his shoulders slumped, his face expressionless, his mind blank. When he sank onto his chair, he thought his current state would surely subside, the clouds would clear at least a bit, enough for him to form a thought and process the disaster that took place moments prior. But it seemed he was terribly, terribly wrong. Quite the contrary, Robert grew more detached from his surroundings and the happenings around him with every passing minute.

… does not include any time spent together at all anymore.

She had never spoken to him in this tone. Cora, to him, was soft and kind and warm, but the last words she had directed at Robert had been hard and conclusive. Final. Emotionless. He wasn't sure if it had been worse had she spat the words at him in revulsion. No, this would at least mean she cared enough to grapple with the predicament he had somehow brought over them. Her last blink with her dark lashes had cut a definite line between them, between now and what had been before. And this was the last bit he could hold onto of her. The blink of her dark lashes. With each time he replayed it in his mind it got more resolute. Anyhow, this was what his repeated reflections of this encounter made out.

And then pictures of their morning and evening before came up. Everything had been so serene it seemed suspicious to him in hindsight. Too serene. Maybe this serenity wasn't meant for them. Robert had tried to force this easy bliss on their relationship by keeping away struggles that maybe belonged to their fate. Maybe they only imagined that everything would be so easy and light-hearted. Maybe he only imagined it.

Where the numbness was accompanied by the passivity of his mind at first there were now questions rising. Their time of peace was still freshly painted on his mind. The sensation of her soft skin, her mere presence next to him in the kitchen in the early morning, her quiet humming she wasn't even aware of. It warmed and haunted him at the same time. Where was the point he started going wrong? Which losses was he to blame for? And what was even lost with certainty? The questions made him more and more confused and unsure. Distraught and angry.

Robert didn't manage any more work today. When he threw a glance at the clock after sitting numbed in his chair for an inestimable time, he saw that an hour and a half must have passed. He sighed forcefully, and his chest deflated so that he sank deeper against the backrest. He had no idea how he should find the motivation to get up, and when he went down the hallway and entered the lift later, he couldn't remember how he got there. His steps outside the office building slowed when he walked past the traffic lights that marked the way to Cora's way home. Robert knew he had to keep his distance and he tried to imagine for how long it would be like this. But it was a question he decided not to allow himself. He thought it best to not allow himself any questions at all. With lethargy, he pulled himself from the crossroads, the last turn towards her, and trudged off to the metro station.

The train was crowded. Robert had spotted an empty seat when he got on but a young blond woman had pushed her child through the legs of the other passengers to get to the seat first. The little girl cockily climbed onto the seat and refused to share it with her mother. The blond woman started arguing with the girl, she should sit on her mother's lap, and when the girl shook her head stubbornly, the mother lifted her and took her on her lap nevertheless. The rest of the train ride was a torment for Robert and probably most of the fellow passengers.

"Summer, pull yourself together!" the woman hissed when the girl started to make a fuss. Little Summer did not pull herself together. She whined, and squirmed, and bawled, and every time her mother made her aware of the other passengers she was disturbing, Summer emitted a piercing shriek to voice her protest.

Her yells bore into Robert's skull, reverberating and maltreating. The girl annoyed him to no end. It took his thoughts away from Cora which was a good start for the moment, but this deliberate pestering was nearly worse than the tragedy with Cora. Why did kids have to be such a pain in the ass?

When he arrived home, Robert was drained of energy. He wasn't exactly tired but his mind had done a few too many laps. Pointless laps. He wished he hadn't wasted any thought at all on the bloody chaos so that he could treat the topic with fresh spirits the next morning. But the deed was done and so Robert flopped onto the sofa, trying not to think about anything. When it didn't really work, he turned on the telly and looked for the most lurid and sensational show he could find in the programme. Eventually, he settled on some reality show where people either portrayed their eccentric mating behaviour or had to undergo the weirdest and nonsensical challenges featuring the opposite gender. He couldn't quite tell. Probably both. Robert tried to watch it attentively while not being able to bother with understanding the rules. At one point, he began rooting for a guy named Nate. Robert didn't know what there was to be won but Nate had Robert's sympathy since he mentioned in an interview how much he missed his dog, Emerald. Robert didn't have a dog at the moment. He had been accompanied by dogs for most of his life. His last dog died shortly before he finished college. Ash's loss had been hard on Robert and somehow there had been no other dog after Ash. But he missed his dogs and he had a complete understanding for Nate who wanted to be with his French bulldog Emerald, maybe even more than with the Bikini-clad contestants.

Reality TV proofed to be rather abundant. Robert was well busy for the day. He shortly left the sofa to get a beer or a bag of crisps from the kitchen but other than that he persevered in front of the telly to benumb his mind. The rest of Friday was quite easily spent like this.

But the next day posed a bigger challenge. It was Saturday which meant he couldn't even try to distract himself with work. After he woke up to pictures of Cora before his mind's eye because a vivid dream had kept him busy in the early morning hours, all his effort to build up a certain distraction was for nothing. A laughing Cora was occupying his thoughts, and the vibrant images his mind produced of her seemed to mock him, confronting him with the sweetest things he couldn't have. He decided to use some drastic measures and take his breakfast in front of the TV but the reality shows didn't do their job as they did the day before.

When his phone rang, Robert was relieved that there was some change in his dreadful day. He briskly picked up, still thinking about the person that was on his mind unwaveringly.

"Cora?!" only after he already had uttered her name in a voice so very pitifully, the thought came to him that he could have at least tried to hide his devastation.

"No…" his mother's voice sounded patronising, nearly as if he had insulted her with Cora's name. "I don't really know your friend Cora," she slowly pronounced the name as if to see how it tasted on her tongue. "But she surely can't be more important than your mother."

"No, no one can be more important than you," Robert gave back snarky.

"I will be in London on Tuesday," his mother stated unimpressed by his remark. "Rosamund is showing me her gallery until noon, and we will see each other afterwards."

"Oh, will we?"

"Of course. But, Robert, please clean up your quarters before you let me in. Otherwise, I'd prefer to see you at some neutral location."

"Has it been so bad the last time?" he asked surprised.

"Robert," she sighed impatiently. "I just want to make sure. And don't forget to invite Rosamund when you'll make dinner reservations."

"Rosamund isn't one to forget, Mama."

"Robert, what is bugging you that you're speaking to me like that?" his mother inquired sternly.

"Nothing's bugging me." He threw a glance at the empty bottles of beer on the coffee table. "Everything's alright."

"Then there is no reason to be snide to your mother. I hope you're in a better mood when I come."

Robert nodded. He hoped so too.