"Kissing knuckles"

Chapter 12

Cora was smashed by the new reality. She had called it quits with Robert. She had called it quits. Cora had never thought she would do that ever. But now, here she was, and it had been the only thing she could have thought of to do. As much as it hurt – and damn, it hurt more than she had imagined – it was the right thing, for sure. Because at Robert's confession one thing became clear to her. She could only point it out in hindsight but now she saw it had been what had led her to her decision.

She grew too attached to that man.

It wouldn't be that big of a deal if a future with him was somehow realistic but what Cora had realised after days of pondering about the whole fiasco was that there was no perspective of any shared future, not for Robert. Why had he kept things from her? Why didn't he want her to 'worry terribly if he had told her'? Why was he so adamantly against talking about the nature of their thing? It was not that Cora had pushed him to talk about it but as soon as it came up in whatever way he dodged the questions and avoided the topic, 'wanting to relish the moment'. Bullshit! He was just as any other man; he was glad when there was no commitment Cora realised now. Maybe it had been foolish of her to hand this noncommittal intimacy to Robert on a silver platter. She had been happy about every ounce of affection she had gotten out of him like that but it was a little desperate she saw now. Robert didn't want her to worry about the leakage of their secret because by keeping this information from her he could ignore it much better himself. Because that was what he did with topics too unpleasant. He ignored them to not feel bad about them. And this was exactly was this whole thing – their thing – was to him. An uncomfortable (yes, also partly pleasant and pleasurable for sure) predicament he preferred to ignore because he dreaded to face the questions they would be confronted with in the 'outside world' if their kind of knotty relationship got public.

Cora had to bite into her knuckles to keep from crying out loud. She had spilt enough tears over the last few days. She was annoyed with herself for reacting like a heartbroken teenage girl but she just couldn't do anything against it. The tears ran nearly constantly when was at home. She ate cups over cups of ice cream that mixed with the salty taste of her tears. It felt pathetic at times but then Robert's handsome face appeared before her inner eye and she cried out again, forgetting how pathetic, or childish, or overly emotional it might be. She also cried at work. Behind the closed door of her office when the demands of her projects began blurring, she pulled up her legs to chest and bawled silently into her knees. She always had to wait until the fabric of her jeans was dry again to leave the office but she didn't mind the prolonged solitude this ensured.

The thought of getting away from Robert permanently was something she had to get used to. She allowed this thought as much as she endured every day (it wasn't very much because she still had these sweet dreams of Robert, cheesy stuff really but oh, how she longed for that) but she sensed that being apart was how it would inevitably be. She and Robert had different things in mind for their future, for each other, and their relationship had become too asymmetrical in this aspect. It shouldn't be ignored, and Cora would never want to coerce Robert to more than he was willing to give.

Cora forefelt that in this time of distance she had imposed on them they would realise that the benefits of their friendship would be over. What would become of their friendship was something Cora had no energy left to consider right now.

What she had to do right now was trying to rid herself of her strong feelings towards him. She had sat around grievingly for four days. She should try to get out of her miserable slump and do something entirely else to get her focus back on different things. How should she get to where she had to be in the future if she kept grieving her lost love?

Sighingly, she got up from the sofa where she had built a little camp for herself over the last few days and went to her room to look for something nice to wear. She hadn't really bothered with it lately but she wanted to feel good again so she rummaged weakly in the drawers of her closet. First, she wanted to put on a soft knitted dress in a warm yellow colour but then she remembered how this had been all she had to wear when she had spent an entire weekend at Robert's, having a movie night. It had still been cold and she had snuggled up in his arms on the couch. He had draped a blanket over the two of them and all Cora had been able to focus on at that point was the alluring scent and warmth that enveloped her as she had been in his arms. This dress wouldn't do right now. Definitely not. Nearly all her clothes held some memories with Robert. Cora searched frantically for something unspoiled. After making huge chaos in the majority of her closet, she found a moss green corduroy skirt she had only worn once and an oversized cream-white sweater her father had bought her years ago before she had left the States for college. These clothes would do; they had to do. Cora overcame her restraints and took a hot shower before she changed into her chosen clothes and left the house to go on a hopefully refreshing walk. The warm water of the shower did her well, and the smell of her almond shampoo soothed her strained nerves at least a little.

With more determination than she had been able to muster since her fight with Robert, Cora stepped outside and made her way to the small park near her flat. The weather on this Monday afternoon was more placate than was typical for a London autumn. Maybe it was a good sign. Maybe Cora could manage on her own. Maybe, no surely, she will be at that point sometime where she will be happy again without him. Once she left the sheltering district of her street the harsh wind met Cora, carrying with it a swirl of dry leaves. She had to close her eyes to avoid getting dirt into them. She quickened her pace. She wanted to get to the park. It had been only two or three times really that she had gone there and she always wanted to do it more often but as she entered the 'green' area she was met by disappointment. The park was much more dreary than she had remembered and the autumnal changes didn't help the appearance. A bit gloomier than when she had started her walk Cora entered the gravel paths and looked for a route most appealing. But it didn't take long and darker clouds began gathering above the bare treetops. Before Cora could make a decision about going back home cold drops of rain hit her freshly washed hair and face. She shivered at the uncomfortableness of the situation she found herself in.

The increasing rainfall pushed her to hurry home. Who was so stupid to leave a house in autumnal London without an umbrella? She didn't even wear a raincoat. Maybe she wouldn't manage on her own as easily as she had thought. She felt lost, so utterly lost.