Heyo! I do exist!
Here's some proof I'm not dead, while you guys wait for the next chapter of WAN.
But first...
Review Responses:
JustVildaPotter: Thank you for the reviews! I'm so glad you've been enjoying this!
AndrewKeenanBolgerFan: Yay, you found this! I'm always happy to improve someone's holiday season! (And for your review on the second one, Les is a total Javid shipper.) Also, thanks for following and favoriting.
Jabberwocky (Guest): Thanks! I'm never going to watch that movie the same way either.
Okay, I had this random idea at swim practice, and I decided to make it a thing. Enjoy!
Kill the Competition
Theodore Roosevelt High World, January 2000 Edition
Written by Jojo De La Guerra*
With the swim season well underway, and the basketball and wrestling teams making sure everyone knows everything about them already, we here at The World thought it best to alert our readers to the existence of one of Roosevelt High's lesser talked about sports. So, without further ado, let's meet our swim team.
Louis "Blink" Balletti
Grade: 12
Events: 500 Freestyle, 100 Breaststroke, 400 Free Relay
In charge of: Counting laps for other people's five hundreds, when he isn't swimming one himself.
Most likely to: Yell at someone (Albert) and anyone (Race, copying Albert) who whistles every time people's heads come up on the breaststroke. Seriously, shut the hell up. It's annoying, high-pitched, and it echoes throughout the entire pool building. Please just cheer like a normal person.
Thomas "Tommy Boy" Bones
Grade: 12
Events: 200 Individual Medley, 100 Butterfly, 400 Free Relay
In charge of: Getting people to shut up while the coach is explaining sets during practice. He is very effective at his one job. Sources say this is due to lessons from Davey Jacobs' little brother.
Most likely to: Win a race against Roosevelt High's biggest (yet also smallest) rival: Sean "Spot" Conlon, of Lincoln High in Brooklyn.
Jack Kelly
Grade: 12
Events: 200 Freestyle, 100 Butterfly, 400 Free Relay
In charge of: Anything art-related. Whether it's making signs for lockers, decorating the locker rooms, or drawing on people with Sharpies between events, you name it, Jack's doing it. He would like to request that somebody purchase him some new tape, as his handcrafted signs keep falling off the lockers and getting thrown away.
Most likely to: Befriend the underclassmen, even the freshmen. And our sources can confirm that his efforts are appreciated, as he's the only older student who is willing to share a lane with someone not in his grade.
Samuel Jordan "Specs" Phillips
Grade: 12
Events: 200 Freestyle, 500 Freestyle, 100 Breaststroke
In charge of: Remembering the team cheer. Yes, he is the only one who fully knows it (aside from Jack). No, he will not be disclosing all the words at this time. If you would pay attention, you would learn it, Albert.
Most likely to: Be unable to read the sets written on the whiteboard during practice, because he can't see a thing without his glasses on.
Isaac "Ike" Smith
Grade: 12
Events: 200 Individual Medley, 100 Butterfly
In charge of: Cheering for the team's only diver, along with Specs and his twin brother. Everybody else simply sits there in silence. Clap, you idiots, clap!
Most likely to: Never miss an event or meet, even when he's out sick during the school day. No one knows how he does it, but he has shown up to every single one of his races in all four years on the team.
Michael "Mike" Smith
Grade: 12
Events: 50 Freestyle, 100 Freestyle
In charge of: Covering for Ike when he is in danger of missing an event, if certain sources are to be believed.
Most likely to: Almost never show up to his own races, or be barred from competing due to failure of a class. This reporter thinks he may also want to work on his anger issues, as he throws things at people who give him the honest truth.
Patrick "Finch" Cortes
Grade: 11
Events: 200 IM Relay (BK), 200 Individual Medley, 100 Backstroke
In charge of: Trying to corral Race and Albert. He would be much obliged if someone would be willing to switch lanes with him during practice.
Most likely to: Suffer through extra drylands at the end of every practice. This is due to his two lane mates who have no regard for other people. If someone would take swap lanes with him, for the love of god, he could actually go home at a reasonable time of night.
Albert DaSilva
Grade: 11
Events: 200 IM Relay (FL), 50 Freestyle, 100 Butterfly
In charge of: Absolutely nothing. No one is asking him to do anything.
Most likely to: Convince half the boys to collectively bleach their hair, bring a set of speakers to play music during practice even though the coach has already provided music, and his most impressive talent: slacking off during practice but absolutely murdering his competitors in meets. (How the hell does he manage to swim that fast with little to no training?) And, according to a reliable source, Albert can cause such a loud ruckus in the boys' locker room that the girls can hear it through the wall.
Anthony "Race" Higgins
Grade: 11
Events: 200 IM Relay (FR), 500 Freestyle, 200 Free Relay
In charge of: Keeping track of his own events, dammit! Jack has requested that Race come to him following warmups so that events can be written on his arm. Race has insisted that this is not necessary, because he can remember his own events.
Most likely to: Watch other people in order to figure out what to do at practice, because as much as he might try, remembering a big long set that is only thoroughly explained once does not work.
David "Mouth" Jacobs
Grade: 11
Events: 200 Free Relay, 100 Backstroke
In charge of: Taking care of the heat sheet during meets, as well as making sure there are Sharpies available for writing down events. If Jack would stop stealing them to doodle on people, that would be lovely. Along with the power of the heat sheet, Davey is tasked with getting his teammates lined up to their events on time. He does well in this position unless it comes to the twins. Even he does not know how Ike always shows up to his events.
Most likely to: Consistently have family members come to competitions to cheer him on. Lucky bastard.
Nicholas "Mush" Meyers
Grade: 11
Events: 200 Freestyle, 100 Backstroke, 400 Free Relay
In charge of: Counting laps for Blink's five hundred. If this reporter has any authority on the subject, he should give up the position. At the last meet, he nearly fell into the pool while putting in the counter. When asked, Mush has agreed with this opinion and plans to find a replacement as soon as possible.
Most likely to: Cheer more loudly for Blink than anyone else. (But at least he doesn't whistle at the breaststrokers. He may play favorites, but he doesn't burst eardrums.)
Teresa "Sniper" Wah
Grade: 11
Events: 200 IM Relay (BR), 200 Freestyle, 100 Breaststroke
In charge of: Actually bringing points to the team. Alongside Tommy Boy and Albert, she can be found placing first in races. She and Tommy Boy have both already made state cuts.
Most likely to: Swim in an all-boys relay and win. Unrelated, she would like to file a noise complaint against Albert, for the dreaded whistling and the partying in the locker room.
Henry "Major Butts" Butler
Grade: 10
Events: 100 Freestyle, 200 Free Relay
In charge of: Organizing and cooking for team dinners. After an incident involving Smalls and copious amounts of pasta, Henry had to recruit Mr. Jacobi (from Jacobi's Diner) to help him make these meals. Elmer has offered to help cook, but Henry has declined his offer. He is firm in his decision.
Most likely to: Have his snacks stolen at meets. This reporter wishes to pass on Henry's threat that anyone who steals his food at the next meet deserves any and all retaliation they get. Bring. Your. Own. Food.
Benjamin "Buttons" Davenport
Grade: 10
Events: 100 Backstroke, 100 Breaststroke
In charge of: Providing extra caps, goggle straps, backup swimsuits, and other such things to anyone who needs those items after having misplaced their own. This system started out as lending, but has not gone in that direction. He would like to inform Albert and Race that they owe him five pairs of goggles. Each.
Most likely to: Steal food from Henry. He's actually just as likely to do this as everyone else on the team, but this reporter needed something to put in this category.
Agnes "Smalls" Hughes
Grade: 10
Events: 50 Freestyle, 100 Freestyle, 200 Free Relay
In charge of: Spreading out the people not swimming amongst the lanes during each race, to ensure everyone gets cheered for. She takes offense to this reporter calling that action "unusually nice" of her.
Most likely to: Eat the most food at team dinners. Smalls initiated many a carb-loading competition with her teammates. Her record so far is seventeen plates of pasta. No one has broken this yet, but Albert is working towards doing so.
Elmer Kasprzak
Grade: 10
Events: 200 Individual Medley, 500 Freestyle
In charge of: Being assigned the worst events that nobody else wants to swim. He has complaints about this. (Complaints no one ever listens to.)
Most likely to: Ram his head into the wall doing backstroke, scrape his arms against the lane ropes during practice and meet warmups, get an ear infection, have his bleached hair turn green… you get the idea, readers. When asked which swimming mishap was worst, Elmer claims it was being mistaken as a foreign exchange student on three different occasions, not the two weeks he had to sit out practice for concussion protocol. This reporter completely, absolutely believes Elmer on this account.
Charlie "Crutchie" Morris
Grade: 10
Events: 50 Freestyle, 100 Freestyle
In charge of: Stealing food while Henry is distracted by all the others. This reporter has been asked to keep such information confidential, but this reporter does not care.
Most likely to: Hold the team record for pull-ups. Currently, he is working on beating his own record again. One and a half functional legs make for the strongest arms known to man, if Crutchie is an indicative sample. As a side note, Crutchie wishes to thank Jack for putting up with his slowness when they share practice lanes. Jack has said repeatedly that he doesn't mind at all.
Romeo De Los Santos
Grade: 9
Events: Diving
In charge of: Bringing up the team's overall score with the points he earns from his dives. This, says Romeo, is why more people need to cheer for him, Race. Yes, diving does in fact matter, Albert.
Most likely to: Scare everyone when he's doing a flip and his head almost hits the board. In addition, Romeo joins Tommy Boy and Sniper on the list of people who have already made state cuts.
And there you have it, folks. Support our team at the meet this Friday, if you can tear yourself away from the basketball players.
*This article has not been looked over or edited by Katherine Plumber before being published. Proceed at your own risk.
So... I'm a swimmer. And a fansie. When you're both of those, something like this happens.
I hope you enjoyed, and if you wouldn't mind telling me what you thought, I'd greatly appreciate it.
See ya next time (whenever that may be) or over on WAN (whenever that may be).