Lonely sweetheart, hiding your tears
You're so alone tonight
Praying for someone you've loved for years
Hoping that he's alright tonight.
Lonely sweetheart, your time will come
When all the world goes gay
The angels will smile
As you walk down the aisle
When you marry your hero someday.
Lonely Sweetheart by Vera Lynn
Emily had been quiet the entire train ride home, using the time to draft a report of what had happened the day before. She had teared up a few times while writing and tried to stamp them back down with a large margin of success. The time she hadn't, she had quickly jumped up and scooted around Steve, who was being regaled with Senator Brandt's plans for him, to make it to the bathroom. When she'd composed herself, she walked out to find him looking somewhat worried.
"Everything alright, Ma'am?"
"Fine," she replied, pushing away the urge to step closer and bury her face in his chest.
When they arrived at the station, Martin went to retrieve the car while Brandt dictated what Emily and Martin needed to do at the office. On top of her normal Thursday routine, she needed to send out the report to the rest of Military Affairs Committee and get a meeting scheduled for the following Monday with the Office of War Information. It was a relief when they dropped off Brandt at his house before going to the office.
"I'll park the car," Martin said, dropping Em and Steve off close to the Russell Senate building. "Just leave the bags for now."
"I, uh..." Steve said as they walked up the steps, "Wanted to say again how sorry I am about your grandfather. He was a great man."
"Thank you," Emily replied before biting the inside of her cheek. It took a moment for his words to sink in, and they only did so as they neared the door. Stopping suddenly, she grabbed his arm. "Wait, what did you say?"
"I'm sorry for your grandfather's death...Dr. Erskine?" he added upon seeing her confused look. "He is...was... your - "
"How do you know that?" Em asked, pulling him from the steps and onto the terrace.
"You called him 'Opa'," he said, frowning slightly. "I don't know much German, but I know -"
"Shhh!" she hushed him, her mind scrambling for a cover story. The silence stretched between them, and Steve raised his eyebrow. Unable to come up with anything, she shook her head. "Please don't tell anyone… no one is supposed to know."
The answer seemed to surprise him and both of his eyebrows shot up. His mouth opened as though he was going to say something before he shook his head. "Sounds like a long story."
"It is," Em nodded, sagging slightly while hitching her purse higher on her shoulder, tears once again springing to her eyes. "A long, exhausting story that I'm not ready to talk about right now."
"Okay," Steve nodded. "Can I ask just one question, though?"
"Depends on the question," she replied, narrowing her eyes. He held up his hands and a hint of a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.
"Is there any place to get a bite to eat around here?"
Emily let out a huff of a laugh and shook her head, swiping away a rogue tear. "Let's go to the office and then I'll take you to the cafeteria." She gratefully took the handkerchief he handed her as they walked into the building.
After depositing their coats and her bag in the Senator's office and jotting a quick note to Martin, Em showed Steve to the cafeteria in the building's basement where they loaded up their trays with coffee and pancakes before retreating to one of the few free tables between aides scrambling to get meetings in order and secretaries sharing office gossip. Emily waved at a few of the girls she recognized, seeing them raise their eyebrows at Steve. For his part, Steve looked faintly embarrassed by the attention he was getting and reached up to swipe his hair from his face more than once, a nervous tick Emily recognized and made her homesick.
They didn't talk while arranging their table to accommodate two trays, though their legs bumped against one another a few times, making Steve flush red a bit more every time. While he tucked into his pancakes, Em leaned back in her chair and slowly sipped her coffee. If she closed her eyes, she could almost imagine that it was just a normal weekend where they went out for brunch, where the man across from her knew almost everything about her and loved her in spite of it, instead of the man who saw her as a relative stranger.
Emily closed her eyes against the tears that were threatening to spill out and took a sip of the bitter coffee, wishing she had a bit more sugar but with the war rationing going on that was near impossible.
Steve pretty much ate without interruption, and Em only opened her eyes when she heard the scrape of his fork on the empty plate. "Hungry?" she teased.
"Seems like I am all the time now," he answered with an embarrassed smile. She smiled back and leaned forward to push her plate towards him. "No I'm - "
"I'm not going to eat it," she said. "Coffee's enough breakfast for me. Wouldn't want it to go to waste."
"Well, my mother raised me not to waste food," he smiled, pulling the plate closer. Em was hit with a wave of longing to reach over and run her fingers his hair; if there was one perk to this whole thing, she thought, it was that she got to see him with his longer hair - Steve chose to wear it in a much more modern cut these days.
Once he was finished with the second plate of pancakes, Steve sat back and wiped his mouth before throwing the napkin onto the tray and grabbing his cup of coffee. "Do you want anything else?"
"I'm fine, thanks."
"They're going to be setting up lunch soon," Em offered, looking towards where the kitchen staff was starting to pull the breakfast fare and clean up.
Steve looked contemplative for a moment before shaking his head. "Maybe later."
"Well, you know how to get here if you get hungry later."
"I'll keep that in mind," he smiled, sitting back in his seat and cradling his cup of coffee. "So do you have any idea what I'm doing here?"
"Well," Emily sighed. "I'm guessing that you're going to be the new poster boy for the OWI."
"So they want to use me for propaganda?" he frowned.
"Fundraising is an important component of the war effort, and Brandt is a big proponent of it."
Steve looked down at his coffee and huffed. "Not exactly what I had in mind when I signed up for this."
"You'll get your chance," Emily said, giving him a soft smile. "I'm sure of it."
OOO
"Christ," Martin cursed as he slammed the phone down. "There's no rooms left in the damn city! Pardon my language," he added quickly.
"I've heard worse," Em said, waving off his apology. "Still no luck?"
"None," he groaned, swiping a hand down his face. "What about your place? There any spots open?"
"As much as I'm sure the girls would appreciate Steve, no men are allowed outside of the lounge," she smirked. "But I'll ask around while delivering these papers and see if any of the aides know of an opening." Steve had spent Thursday night at the Senator's house but they were trying to find him a place of his own for the time he spent in DC. But with the number of people that had flocked to the Capital during the war, that was easier said than done.
Em was halfway through her deliveries when she heard someone call out to her. Pushing her glasses up her nose, she turned to see none other than Howard Stark walking towards her. "Mr. Stark! What a surprise."
"A good one, I'm sure," he said, giving her a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. As he got closer, she could see just how tired he looked. "Can I have a word?" Without waiting for her response, he put a hand on her lower back and guided her to a small alcove away from the main hallway.
"What are you doing in DC?" Emily asked as soon as they stopped.
Howard scoffed and reached into his pocket, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and offering her one. Tempted though she was, she shook her head. "Congress, what a bunch of idiots," he muttered, shaking out a cigarette and lighting it. After taking a long drag, he let it hang from the corner of his lip and ran a hand through his hair. "With everything that happened in New York, they drag me down here to give a report of what we found with the Hydra spy. You'd think they could just read the fucking update my lab techs sent in."
"I saw that," Em sighed. "It was barely readable. Too much jargon, not enough substance."
Howard waved off her comment and sagged against the wall, taking his cigarette in hand and wiping at his eyes. "They're wasting my time. But that's not what I wanted to talk to you about - where is Rogers?"
"Steve? He's being shown around by Brandt right now."
"That pompous…is he really planning on making him the poster boy for the OWI?"
"Seems like it."
"Fuck," Howard cursed. "Abe sure as hell didn't die to give the country another god damn propaganda tool."
"Things have a way of working themselves out," Emily said, swallowing against the lump in her throat. "He didn't die in vain."
"I didn't even get a chance to talk with him before Brandt yanked him from Phillips. Can you tell me anything? Has there been any regression in the results? Where's his head at?"
"I think he's coping as well as he can right now," she sighed before shifting slightly. "H-have you heard about Ingrid?"
"She's safe," he said, swiping his forehead. "Made sure of it myself. Angry as all hell about not being able to see Abe buried but I made sure to sit with him until he was. I'd be sitting shiva if the government didn't…" he broke off and shook his head. "What's Brandt been up to?"
"He's been going to meetings, showing off Steve to those who doubted that it could be done."
"Bastard," Howard muttered with another long drag of the cigarette. "Just last week he was saying how much this whole thing was a waste of money." Emily sighed and crossed her arms over her chest, the papers crinkling as she leaned back against the wall.
"My dad always used to tell me that there are two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit."
"Smart man," he said, before nodding towards her. "What about you? Have you thought about what I said?" When she gave him a confused look he scoffed and flicked some ash onto the marble floor. "About your role in all of this?"
"Oh," Emily sighed, glancing around. "Not really."
"You should. Abe asked me to look out for you, and you being tangled up in all of this is going to end up with you hurt."
"H-he asked you to what?"
"Look out for you. He said that it was my job to make sure you got home." Emily felt a hollowness in her gut and a wave of gratitude for the man whom she'd barely known. "I don't know what you said, but you made a hell of an impression, Ms. Harthorn. And regardless of what some others think, I'm a man of my word."
"Thank you," she said quietly. "I appreciate that." Howard shifted as though somewhat uncomfortable with the level of emotion.
"Any chance of me running into Rogers while I'm here?"
"Depends on how long you're here," she said.
"I'm headed back to New York tomorrow."
"I'm sure we can figure something out."
OOO
"Ms. Harthorn?" Steve asked as he stepped out of his room; Martin had managed to find him a boarding house just down the street from her's.
Emily turned and smiled at Steve's confused look. Though he'd taken off his tie and jacket, Steve still looked vaguely uncomfortable in uniform. "Emily," she corrected. "I was wondering if you wanted to go for a walk."
"A walk?" he echoed, swiping the hair from his eyes. "I, uh...It's kind of late."
"It's only seven," she shrugged. "Have you eaten yet?"
"Not yet," Steve admitted.
"Great! I know a place that you'll like."
"Yeah?" he said, a shy smile flitting across his lips. "I am kinda hungry."
"You always are," she teased before thinking; thankfully he just chucked and shook his head.
"You're right about that. I'll just go grab my wallet."
"I'll wait," Em smiled.
When he hurried down the stairs a few minutes later, Emily had to chuckle at how tightly he gripped the banister.
"I keep thinking things are a longer step than they are," Steve said, flushing slightly in embarrassment. "Still not used to all..." He waved a hand down his front.
"It's only been a few days - give it a little while and you'll make everyone else jealous with how graceful you are." He chuckled, eyes darting to the ground as he swiped the hair from his face.
"Maybe."
"I'm sure of it," Em assured him, spinning to stand beside him and looping her arm through his. "Just give it some time."
Steve glanced down at her hand on his bicep before meeting her eyes, "If you say so, Ma'am."
"I do," she declared imperiously before winking. "Ready for dinner?"
OOO
"So I had an ulterior motive for this," Emily said as they neared the diner. "Please don't be upset."
"What?" Steve asked, pulling to a stop and scowling. He glanced up and down the street as though looking for someone to jump out at him.
"Howard Stark asked me to set up a meeting," she said quickly, dropping her hand from Steve's arm and turning to face him. "He wanted to see how you've been doing since...everything."
"And he couldn't do it near Senator Brandt?"
"Brandt has had me block any attempt for the SSR to set up appointments with you. So this is really the only way. I promise, this isn't something sinister - I wouldn't have brought you here if I thought it was. Trust me."
Steve studied her for a long moment before shaking his head. "He was your grandfather's partner, so I'll trust you because of that. But I don't like this cloak and dagger stuff, Ms. Harthorn."
"Emily," she corrected. "And neither do I, but sometimes it's necessary."
"Fine."
"Okay." Emily stepped into the diner and looked around until she saw Howard sitting in the corner with another man, staring at her over the top of his menu. She smiled softly and moved towards him, Steve following behind. "Ms. Harthorn," he said, "Fancy seeing you here."
"Fancy that," she smirked. "Steve, you remember Howard Stark. And I'm afraid I don't know your name," she added. The other man stood quickly and reached to shake her hand.
"Edwin Jarvis, ma'am."
Emily's eyebrows shot up as she examined the man whose name she had commonly said. She had once asked Tony where he'd gotten the name JARVIS and he'd said that was just an acronym for Just A Rather Very Intelligent System, but apparently that was a lie.
"Jarvis, would you see to it that Ms. Harthorn here is entertained while I talk to our friend here?" Howard asked, motioning to Steve. Steve, for his part, glanced at Emily who raised an eyebrow as if to say it was up to him to decide; he shrugged. Seeing the whole exchange, Howard gave a tired smile," Well now that that's settled. Have a seat and order whatever you want - it's on Stark Industries. Same goes for you, Ms. Harthorn."
"Thanks," she replied before turning to Mr. Jarvis. "Window or bar?"
"Window, if you don't mind. I've never understood the desire to sit in chairs with no backs...terrible for the spine."
"Window it is," she smiled.
OOO
Getting onto the closed military base was easier than Steve had expected - they'd hidden the truck and ducked through a hole in the fence someone had helpfully cut. Empty beer cans, cigarette butts, and (if he was seeing things right) an odd condom or two littered the ground that had once been home for a few short weeks.
"Love what they've done with the place," Nat said, nudging an empty vodka bottle with her toe. She made a face at the peeling label, "That brand tastes like nail polish remover."
"Vodka connoisseur?" Steve smirked, raising an eyebrow. "You're living up to the Russian stereotype."
"Better to know good vodka than drink that, братан," she replied while pulling out a small metal box that looked like a compact mirror. Nat flipped it open and started to walking further into the camp, carefully stepping around the trash.
"This camp is where I trained," he volunteered a while later.
"Did it change much?" Nat asked, still waving around her machine.
Steve looked up at the flagpole, remembering the runs that had left him wheezing with a stitch in his side. He could hear the drill sergeant yelling for him to run faster, see his smaller self struggling to keep up with those against those who seemed the more logical choice for Project: Reborn.
"A little," he answered.
OOO
The next few weeks flew by.
Emily went to work, sitting through meetings at the Office of War Information where they discussed Steve's future (she made it through the suggestions of 'Lieutenant Liberty' and 'Sergeant Stars and Stripes' before muttering under her breath 'Captain America' which Brandt took immediate credit for), lunches with the other secretaries who gossiped about the senators and representatives they worked for, and nights out with the girls from the boarding house.
Alone in the shower, she allowed herself to think about home and how afraid she was of never making it back. Of how she would never see her family and friends again (not the strangers who shared their faces but not her memories), never cuddle with Steve on the couch, never get back to a job she loved...Only in the shower would she allow herself to cry over what was lost and missed, and the terror that she'd experienced since she had been in the past.
For the few hours between work and being expected at the boarding house, she snuck off to various libraries around town, trying to find answers on how to get home. More often than once she mentally bemoaned the lack of computers and internet access while flipping through card catalogs and musty old journals and books. Camped out at a library desk with stacks of books and a scientific dictionary next to her, Em spent hours looking at the research on astrophysics, filling pages and pages with notes and earning a new respect for Darcy's ability to follow along with Jane's research. On a whim she pulled a book on Norse mythology, wondering if she could somehow summon Thor for help..but there was no guarantee he even existed in this world and no guarantee that, even if he did, he would know who she was.
On one such night, Em had just pulled off her glasses and tossed them onto her notepad before rubbing her eyes. A headache was building in her temples and she wished that there was a Diet Coke, some chocolate, and a bottle of aspirin pills in her bag instead of a packet that needed to be mixed with water (which, the librarian had told her, was expressly forbidden in the stacks). The frustration of not knowing what she was reading, not having an answer in mind for why she was here or how she would get home was building, and a spiteful part of her wondered if anyone was even trying to get her home. After all, Tony wasn't the most focused person...
No, that wasn't right. For all of his flaws, Tony was always good at trying to get people home. We wouldn't have given up on her, not unless the world was ending and he was forcibly pulled away. Sighing, she ran a hand through her hair before deciding to give up for the night. Breaking down her study area added another longing to her her list: her office, where she could leave things the way they were at the end of the day.
With the books returned, she paused to roll her neck and shoulders before deep breath. After putting on her hat and slipping on her jacket, she hitched her purse onto her shoulder and shoved her hands into her pockets while walking out the door. The streetlights were just starting to turn on, and Em reached up to adjust her glasses only to realize they weren't there. Cursing under her breath, she turned to walk back up the steps just in time to see Steve walking down them, hat in hand.
"Uh, hi - "
"What are you - "
"You left these," he said, holding out her folded glasses.
"Were you following me?"
"No! I uh," he said, swiping the hair from his face. He held up a "I was getting a book and saw you, and - "
"Where's your book?" Em asked, crossing her arms over her chest and smirking. Steve flushed, hand shooting to the back of his neck.
"They didn't have the one I wanted?" he lied feebly. Shaking her head, Em walked up the few steps until she was just below him and plucked the glasses from his hand, quickly checking for smudges on the lenses.
"Right. And the real reason?" Letting out an exasperated sigh, Steve let his head hang down and glance up at her through his fringe.
"I wanted to make sure you got home safely. If that's alright," he added quickly.
"At least some things never change," she said softly.
"Sorry?"
"Nothing. And sure, you can walk me home." Steve smiled and took a step down, putting his hat on before holding out his arm.
"Ma'am."
"Private."
"That'd be Captain," he corrected, smirking as they went down the steps. "Brandt convinced the others at the OWI that I'm going to go by Captain America."
"I'm glad."
"Me too - much better than Lieutenant Liberty." Emily rolled her eyes.
"Not sure why politicians feel that alliteration is necessary."
"Same. Uh...can I ask what you were looking up in there? Seems like you were kind of frustrated."
"Erm...astrophysics."
"Astrophysics? Wow. That's...wow."
"I wish I understood more of it," Em admitted.
"Still - what's the interest with that?"
"Just a passing fancy," she lied.
"Huh," he side eyed her. "Most women would pick up poetry or something."
"Not my cup of tea. So how have you been? Brandt's kept you pretty busy these last few days."
Steve huffed and shook his head. "It's been nuts. I'm pretty sure that my hand's going to fall off from shaking all of the Congressmen's, and the OWI is cooking up some kind of skit for me. It's all pretty..."
"Nuts?" Em supplied.
"Nuts," he chuckled. "It's just…" Steve glanced around before leaning toward her slightly and lowering her voice. "This isn't what I volunteered for."
"I know. It's not easy feeling like you're not meeting your full potential but I'm confident that you'll be on the front lines soon enough."
"I hope so. And what about you, Ms. Harthorn? Why aren't you meeting your full potential?"
"Sorry?"
"You're quick and good at your job but...you're studying astrophysics in your free time. You're one of the smartest dames I've ever met and you're a secretary. Not that there's anything wrong with being a secretary, but it seems like you could be doing a lot more."
"It's a job for now."
"Okay, so if you had a choice, what would you do?" he asked.
"I'd be a history professor," she shrugged.
"Really?"
"Absolutely. Dream job is academia in a tenure tracked job where I can research what I want and have the freedom to come and go as I please."
"Huh," Steve said, looking appraisingly at her. "I could see you as a teacher - "
"Professor."
"Professor," he corrected. "So you're going to go to college after the war?"
"Graduate school - I already have an undergraduate degree," she said, remembering that in this universe she had a degree in history.
"Hmmm…Gonna find yourself a rich officer husband to pay your way?" he asked, and Em had a strong moment of deja vu.
"Are you offering?" she teased, and laughed when Steve turned bright red. "Don't worry, mon coeur, I'll find a way."
"I didn't know you spoke French."
"Oui."
When they turned onto her block, the two slowed their pace. "You are full of surprises, Ms. Harthorn."
"Emily."
"Emily," he echoed as they stopped outside of her building and he turned to face her. "Would...would you mind if I walked you to the office tomorrow?"
"If you'd like," she said.
"I would." Emily took a looked up at him, and she saw his eyes dart down to her lips before he wet his own. "I...uh…"
"You what?"
"Would it be alright with you if I..."
"You really don't need to ask," she smiled, her hand migrating from the crook of his elbow to tangle her fingers with his.
He leaned down slowly, eyes making the circuit from her lips to her eyes again as his free hand reached up to cup her cheek.
BANG!
"Emmie! Supper's on the...oh, sorry," Dottie said as she hung out of the window. Steve's hand dropped to his side as both he and Em flushed red.
"I'll be just a minute," Em called.
"Take your time," Dottie replied, the grin evident in her voice as she threatened, "We can all wait. Unless your soldier wants to join us?"
"I...I'm fine, thanks," Steve gulped.
They waited until the window snapped shut before Emily groaned and leaned forward to bury her face in Steve's chest. "I'll never hear the end of that."
"Sorry," he said; Em could hear that he was trying not to laugh.
"You're incorrigible, Steven Grant."
"And you're swell, Emily...I don't know your middle name."
"Rose," she supplied, leaning back to look at him.
"Emily Rose," he said while twirling a strand of her hair around his finger.
Smiling, Em said, "I'll see you tomorrow morning."
"Okay."
Standing on her toes, she pressed a kiss to his cheek before turning to go up the short flight of stairs.
History be damned - she missed her boyfriend.
Author's Note: Hi all. Massive apologies for the length of time between updates, but school has been kicking my ass this semester. Studying for a PhD is not that easy when you're also doing 2 internships. As I've acknowledged before, I write in my spare time and haven't had a lot of that in the last few months. Please be understanding as to why I'm not updating. I'd much rather wait and put out a chapter that I'm happy with instead of something thrown together.
Anyways, I hope that you like the chapter and that it was (somewhat) worth the wait. I'm hoping to update MUCH faster, as my semester is in the process of wrapping up (4 papers left, meaning 55 pages of academic crap between now and December 14) so I'll be able to dedicate more time to writing.
As always, thank you for reading and let me know what you think!