Chapter Fourteen
You'll never know just how much I miss you
You'll never know just how much I care
And if I tried, I still couldn't hide my love for you
You ought to know, for haven't I told you so
A million or more times?
You went away and my heart went with you
I speak your name in my every prayer
If there is some other way to prove that I love you
I swear I don't know how
You'll never know if you don't know now
(You went away and my heart went with you
I speak your name in my every prayer)
If there is some other way to prove that I love you
I swear I don't know how
You'll never know if you don't know now
You'll never know if you don't know now
You'll Never Know by Vera Lynn
"We could probably get Rita to do a few stops with him," Mr. Collins of the Office of War Information said. "She usually goes solo but we could hit both demos with her and him."
"Hmmm," Brandt nodded. "She gets the men, he gets the women. Could probably get a few hundred dollars more of war bonds between the both of them."
Emily quickly jotted down the exchange and glanced over at Steve across the table, who was staring intently at his pad of paper, a faint blush on his cheeks.
"And you've got the studio lined up for the films?" Mr. Collins asked one of his lackeys.
"We've got a five film deal and they're going to take a small cut of the profits - managed to wrangle it down by pushing the patriotic angle," he replied after shuffling papers around.
"Good. We'll have to get those up and running soon or we'll lose the momentum of his New York heroics."
"We've probably lost that already but we'll get a bump with the first film out."
The meeting went on for another hour before breaking up. Brandt led them from the room, barking orders to Em and Martin. Once they were back in the office, Steve reached over and slid a piece of paper across her notes, pulling her attention from her typing as Brandt swept him from the room.
'Dinner tonight?' he'd written in the corner of the paper, above a profile sketch of her. Emily bit her lip and smiled, thinking how long it had taken Steve to show her any of his drawings before.
She quickly tore a corner of her paper off and wrote 'Ok' before drawing a stick figure flexing its muscles. When she pushed it towards him, Em heard him bite off a laugh.
OOO
It wasn't all together a surprise when they got word that Steve would be leaving, but it was an unpleasant reminder of how little time they had. Brandt had come to an agreement with the OWI Martin would travel with Steve and be his assistant, and that the two men would report to both the Office and the Senator. The Army had – very reluctantly – forgone their claim on Steve's time after being forcefully reminded that he would do more good supplying them with money to buy bullets and tanks than being another man in the field.
The day before he was to leave, Emily and Steve had spent as much time together as possible – walking to the office together, eating a rushed lunch in the cafeteria, passing notes between meetings, and stealing a few moments in the hallways. After work, they'd gone to the automat to get sandwiches and sodas before going to the National Mall. They sat side-by-side, looking up at the Washington Monument, and talked about everything but him leaving. Steve told her stories she'd already heard about his mother and growing up in Brooklyn, about his all-but-blood brother Bucky Barnes, about making some pocket money doing advertising work…
Emily closed her eyes and leaned against him, smiling slightly as his arm slowly wrapped around her shoulders. She found the juxtaposition of this Steve and her Steve amusing and somewhat sad. This Steve was so much more carefree and young, untouched by the horrors of war and loss, still very much a man of his time. Her Steve, though not overtly sad, was burdened with responsibility that he carried with him daily, the loss of his friends and first love that still weighed heavily on him, and the loss of nearly seventy years. Though he told her time and time again that he was happy with this last twist of fate because it brought him to her, Emily saw the flickers of regrets when they watched movies or documentaries about the post-war era.
When Steve asked her questions, Emily found herself weaving her histories together – the one that she knew, and the one that she'd fallen into. She told him about her parents and Tucker, her nieces and nephews, her love of history and politics, and how working with students was one of the most rewarding things she though she could do.
Over cheese sandwiches wrapped in wax paper, they talked about what they would do after the war. Steve said he wanted to go back to Brooklyn, maybe pick up the advertising work that he'd done or possibly go back to art school if he could afford it (Emily nearly let slip that he would be able to because of the GI Bill but managed to hold her tongue). He didn't look at her when he added, "Maybe settle down, have a family."
"That sounds nice," she replied, swallowing around the lump in her throat and the knowledge that he wouldn't have what he was dreaming about. "It sounds pretty wonderful…"
In the stretches of silence, Emily ran her fingers through Steve's hair as his head rested in her lap. Her fingers trailed down to trace his features, the course stubble of his five o'clock shadow scratching her fingertips and making her smile. "Tu es mon coeur, et comment puis-je rater mon coeur quand il est ici?"
"Hmm?" Steve asked, his eyes opening lazily.
"Nothing," she said.
They stayed there until it was dark, when they reluctantly stood and gathered the empty soda bottles and wax paper and left the Mall hand in hand.
"I'll write you all the time," Steve promised as they turned onto her street, both slowing their steps to make the moment last.
"Between rehearsals and photo ops?" Emily teased.
"Yeah," he said, ducking his head in embarrassment. "Never thought I'd be doing that kinda stuff."
"You'll be a natural," she promised. "And you'll raise a lot of money for the war effort."
"I'll keep telling myself that." They stopped on the corner of the building, Steve turning her and wrapping his arms around her back. Emily bit her lip and tugged at the his jacket lapels.
"What time do you leave?"
"First thing in the morning. I'll call the office as soon as I get there."
"You'd better. I like knowing that you're okay."
"Not much danger in California."
"Still." Burying her head in his chest, she remembered the last time that Steve said that his mission was easy; the man in the mask who had torn the door off sometimes visited her dreams. But still, Emily felt reassured that she knew how all of this ended – the worst danger Steve faced in California was a few handsy starlets and some mild embarrassment over his costume.
Steve pulled back slightly and tipped Em's chin up to meet her eyes. "Any chance you might be willing to…uh…maybe…"
Emily stood on her toes and pressed her lips against his, smiling slightly when his arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her against his chest. "Write and I'll write back. And we'll see where things go from there."
"And if I come through DC?"
"Than we'll make plans." Steve smiled and leaned down to kiss her again. Still not satisfied with her answer, he pushed on.
"So if someone were to ask me if I had a girl back home, my answer would be…?"
"Do you consider DC home?"
Laughing, Steve tugged her closer, burying his nose into her hair. "Not gonna get a straight answer from you, am I?"
Emily chuckled, feeling a bit sad with the knowledge of what she was interrupting by being with him. She was stepping between Steve and Peggy's chance – the comfort they gave to one another in the darkest times, the love that they'd had… "Just keep your eyes open," she said, wrapping her arms around him tightly, "you never know whom you might find while out on the road."
"I'm not lookin'. I've only got eyes for one girl."
OOO
He had orders: grab her, get to DC, and hand her off to the Asset. The thought of seeing the legendary Asset made him break out in a cold sweat.
Still...The fact was that this was a huge assignment. He'd gone from a low ranking Hydra member to being put in charge of surveillance on Captain America's girlfriend, and now he was charged with bringing her to Pierce himself. Christ!
Getting her would have been easier before he tore apart her office which had sent her scurrying into Stark Tower and the protection of Tony Stark rather than into DC to be with the Captain. But with the capture or kill order out on him, it was pretty smart. They were monitoring all communications out of DC and the surrounding states to see which calls were going into the City but nothing so far - narrowing into Stark Tower was even harder with the encryption Stark had put into his tech. Emily hadn't been seen for a day and a half, and she wasn't answering phone or email. He'd turned on the caring and concerned friend act, begging her to call him back because he'd seen her office and was worried about her well being. And now, desperate times called for desperate measures - he would figure out a way to explain how he knew she'd moved from her apartment into the Tower some other time. Getting her to leave the safety of the Avenger in residence would be a hell of a lot harder.
But then again, he'd spent nearly a year gaining her trust, so why wouldn't she want to run out for a cup of coffee? A quick trip around the block?
And he had a strike team on standby to get them the hell out of town. Blowing his cover right now didn't really matter, if he got out of here alive and delivered Emily Harthorn, he'd be greeted like a returning hero.
"Can I help you sir?" the first floor receptionist.
"Yes, would it be possible to get ahold of Dr. Emily Harthorn? She'll be on one of the residential floors."
"And who shall I say is trying to reach her?"
"Dr. Ryan Dietrich - a friend from the university."
OOO
True to his word, Steve called as soon as he got to California and wrote frequently, sometimes sending five or six letters together in a single envelope. He wrote about costume fittings and rehearsals, meeting celebrities, general annoyance at the whole situation, and excitement at being in California. Emily kept his letters tied together with a piece of twine in the drawer by her bed and wrote him back, detailing her time at work and other mundane moments of her day.
Without Steve there to distract her, she felt the full weight of her predicament once again. Every spare moment she had was spent digging through books for anything that might help her get home. As the weeks turned into months
Out of desperation, Emily snuck out of the boarding house one night about a month after Steve had left and made her way to Potomac Park. She settled under a tree and drew her knees up to her chest; the breeze off the river ruffled her hair and skirt, and a shiver went down her spine. This was such a stupid move but desperate times called for desperate measures.
"Erm…" she said before clearing her throat. "Heimdall? We've never actually met but I've met – sort of – Thor? He's a friend of my boyfriend's, and my friend's boyfriend. I know this is sounds kind of crazy but I need help. Please? I'm not sure how else to say this, but I think I traveled through time, or into a parallel universe or something and I really want to get back home. If you could maybe help me with that, I would appreciate it."
Emily stared up at the sky, looking for some sign that maybe Heimdall was listening. Other than the breeze, there was nothing.
"Jane told me that you see everything. Oh, in case you didn't know, Jane Foster is the one who is dating Thor. She's an astrophysicist, and they're going to meet in New Mexico. Her intern, Darcy Lewis, is going to be there as well. Darcy hasn't met you but she really wants to make a trip to Asgard one day."
Still nothing.
"Thor fought…will fight…with Steve, my boyfriend. They're part of a team called The Avengers. Steve is a war hero – h-he sacrifices his life for this war and protects the US from a nuclear attack by Schmidt and Hydra. He puts his plane down in the ice and spent a long time frozen in time…and then he woke up and we…"
Once she'd started talking, the words just spilled out as did a few tears that fell onto the collar of her shirt.
"We wasted time. We danced around one another until the world came crashing down and I nearly died. And then he left and came back, and we were happy and I think he was about to propose and now…now I'm here, and Steve's here but he's not. He doesn't know who I am, or what we have, or who we are. He looks at me and just sees some girl who works as a secretary, who likes to spend time with him and talk, not the one whose living with him and talking about kids and loves him more than I've love anyone before and…and…"
Emily tried to swallow back her tears and failed miserably. She buried her face in her hands and sobbed.
"I-I ju-just want to go h-home," she stuttered, rocking back and forth. "Please. P-please help me."
There was a crack of lightning, and Em's head shot up as she looked hopefully at the sky. A few seconds later, a clap of thunder shattered the quiet of the evening. "Thor?" she said quietly, looking around some sign that the god might be appearing. Rain started to fall lightly before the sky broke open and it started to pour. Temporarily sheltered by the tree, Emily waited with baited breath, eyes straining to see the burst of light that Jane had told her announced Thor's arrival. But when a bolt of lightning cracked nearby, she jumped to her feet, afraid of the tree or herself being struck.
Rain fell into her eyes as she stood on the sidewalk, looking up. "Please Heimdall…Thor…anyone – I'm begging you. Help me get home."
She waited another five minutes, coat wrapped tightly around her. The longer she waited, the more she felt anger rising in her throat. "Damn you!" she screamed. "It's no wonder people don't worship you anymore, you worthless, terrible excuse for a god!"
Sobbing, Emily turned and ran.
OOO
"Ms. Harthorn?"
Emily ignored the person and walked towards the stairs, water dripping off of her and onto the wooden floors.
"Emily!"
The voice stopped her in her tracks, and she turned to see none other than Peggy Carter in the sitting room. She was standing, a worried expression on her face. "Peggy?"
"Are you alright?"
Em took a deep breath and pasted on a wobbly smile. "Fine. What can I help you with?" Peggy studied her for a moment before shaking her head.
"Maybe we should get you into dry clothes before chatting."
Nodding, Em turned and made her way up to her room. The room was a bit more crowded as a friend of Dottie's was in town for the weekend and her suitcases were shoved into a corner, but the two of them were out at a few clubs for the evening so it was quiet. "I'll be just a minute," Em said quietly after grabbing her nightgown, robe, and towel. "Feel free to have a seat." Peggy nodded and sat on her bed, glancing around curiously.
Her clothes clung to her like a second skin and, once finally shed, fell to the floor with a wet plop. She put them on a hanger and suspended them over the bathtub to drip dry. As she toweled her hair and slipped on her warmer clothes, Em started to wonder what Peggy was doing here – the last time they'd seen one another was when Steve had…
Was it about Steve? It had to be. Maybe she wanted to know how he was doing…Emily felt a wave of guilt for undermining what Steve and Peggy were supposed to have. It was incredibly selfish of her to step between them just because she was lonely…It had to be about Steve, Em decided.
"Jesus," she hissed, catching a glance of herself in the mirror. Her eyes were red and puffy, a sure sign she'd been crying. Em ran her hands under the cold tap and held them to her eyes to try and bring down the swelling without any effect. "Fuck it."
Peggy was where she'd left her, but she was flicking idly through a Time magazine that'd been on the vanity. "I hope you don't mind – these are usually out of date by the time they reach London."
"Sure. If you're here about Steve – "
"I'm not here about Steve."
"All I know is that he's…Wait, what?"
A smile flit across Peggy's red lips and, for the first time, Em realized that the other woman wasn't wearing the uniform she'd usually seen her in. Instead, she was wearing a light blue dress belted at the waist.
"I'm not here about Steve, or on business for the SSR – strictly speaking. I've come to ask you for a favor."
"A favor?"
"Yes. You see," Peggy cleared her throat and flicked a strand of hair from her eyes. "There's been a spot of trouble with the 'Scientific' part of the SSR and I was coming to ask if you might help us smooth it out."
"And how could I do that?" Em asked, cocking an eyebrow.
"We're in need of a secretary, but not just any secretary," she added quickly when Em opened her mouth to speak. "We need someone who can deal with Howard. He's fallen far behind on his work, and no one can handle him or keep track of what he is doing when he is working."
"Howard?"
"Stark. You met him – "
"I remember. Vividly."
Peggy huffed and rolled her eyes, but an indulgent smirk was on her mouth. "Then you know how much of a favor I'm asking. You see, Howard's previous secretary married a GI in London and has found out that she's pregnant. Her new husband is adamant that she return home to her mother instead of staying with the SSR."
"Is she going to be discharged?" Em frowned.
"No, she's a civilian. Howard is somewhat insistent that those closest to him are not military – he wants to make sure that, after all of this ends, he can keep his main team together. Which is why I'm here."
"You're offering me a job?"
"Yes. But this will be far more challenging that wrangling one senator – Howard is…" she struggled to find a way to describe him.
"Eccentric?"
"To put it nicely. And this would ensure that you have a job following the war if you're willing to move to California or New York City."
"Working with Howard Stark?"
"Working with a man who is – yes, eccentric – but also dedicated and fiercely protective of those who are loyal to him."
"And how long do I have to think about it?"
"Ideally you would let Senator Brandt know that you're leaving on Monday, and we could get you to New Mexico by the beginning of next week."
"New Mexico?"
"Howard is there now, consulting with another scientists on a project for the government."
Emily frowned, trying to think of what might be going on before realizing exactly what was going on – Howard Stark was meeting with J. Robert Oppenheimer, head of the Manhattan Project and the father of the atomic bomb.
"I'm in." Being around two brilliant minds like that might mean that she could find a way to get home faster.
"Really?"
"Sign me up."
OOO
The stench of singed hair and clothing flooded the truck, and Steve glanced nervously at Natasha's prone figure. He'd tried to wake her up but she'd been out since he'd pulled them out.
Once on the interstate, he pushed the truck to early a hundred miles per hour, wanting to put as much distance between the explosion and them as possible. He wasn't sure who to trust right now, not with everything they'd just found out.
"God damn it!" he said, hitting the steering wheel. HYDRA was back…had never left…
"Is that anyway for Captain America to talk?" a groggy voice said. Natasha straightened slowly in her seat, grimacing as she moved.
"You okay?" Steve asked.
"Not the first time I've been blown up," she replied. "Probably won't be the last."
Author's Note: Emily said "You are my heart, and how can I miss my heart when it is right here?" when on the Mall with Steve. Additionally, a quick reminder of who Ryan Dietrich is - he's the guy that was with Em when Steve came back from his road trip, and who has been her friend throughout her time at the university.
As for an update, I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry for the delay - December was a terrible month. My uncle and a member of my committee passed unexpectedly, and the boyfriend's step-mother was diagnosed with cancer; all of this happened in a week's time, so I've been dealing with all of that. Not to mention my internship with the State Department is ramping up right now.
Thank you for being patient with me, and I hope you enjoyed this - I put it up as soon as I finished writing, so any/all mistakes are my own. Please let me know what you think!